02x04 - Haunted Tonk

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: every once in a

World, the big cheese lays a

Grand one on this planet.

I discovered I was tha

Globular gift as a wee lad when

I was endowed with a cosmic

Visit from the enlightened one

Who revealed this meaty

Pendulous thing to me.

But I can't remember how it wen

Down.

So, for the first time since I

Was a teen [mumbles] years ago,

I've chosen to return to the

Location of my childhood

Home.

I suppose it's changed in some

Ways.

I still memberize my first day

In this old house.

Mama! I found you!

You must have been worried sick

When you realized you left me

Back in canada.

Honey! He found us again!

Come on in

Demon child.

Xavier: it warms the loins of

My heart groin.

This is the crucible of

Nobility's guardian, the cradle

Of humanity's holiest hero.

Come on, guys, let me hear

Ya hoot for the belly fruit.

Celebrate the lactate.

A woman's never hotter when

She's jigglin' that baby bump,

Plump with life corkin' up her

Lady pipes.

Big papa d*ck's on the mike, the

h*nky-tonk don't stop, and these

Bulgin' babes are ready to drop.

Best be tippin' for two, 'cause

They be strippin' for two, and

Every lap dance is a three-way.

That tummy squirrel tryin' to

Get a nut?

Beer nuts available at the bar.

If you like our hot things, try

Our hot wings.

At a penny a bite, it's got to

Go right.

Turtling tara's in her third

Trimester.

And try mustard on our sof

Pretzels, available at the bar.

Xavier: that's where my

Kitchen table was.

Thanks, mommy.

I made you another drawing.

Aah!

Demon child.

Xavier: I used to draw swee

Cuddlecrumbs to retreat into my

Happy wittle world.

Peggy pregasaurus -- she's

812 Months pregnant.

Get a lap dance before her baby

Dies of old age in utero.

Her sugar walls are packed to

The gills like sexy sardines in

The hot brine of father time.

Fish sticks available at the

Bar.

Xavier: that's where I took

My bathsssssssssss.

Oh, mommy!

Something hit me in the head!

You're just imagining things.

We got the siamese twins

Conjoined at the womb, pregnan

With siamese triplets conjoined

At the boom.

And see these lumpy lovelies

Throw their luscious mornin'

Thickness on the mechanical

Bull, the mechanical man, and

The mechanical cat.

That paws is a real mother

Bucker.

Xavier: that's where my

Mechanical cat was.

Xavier! Get off the cat!

These chicks are cravin'

Pickles, so get your peck, or

Off a pile of our hot pickled

Wing-thing pickle poppers,

Available at the bar.

Xavier: and my bedroom was

Over there.

Get away from my dollhouse!

You're stepping all over my

Dollies!

Freak!

We's tryin' to get our fight on!

Let's set aside our

Difference and pound this chump

For bein' difference.

Take that!

Taste the pain!

You all right.

I forgive you for stickin' it in

My wife.

sh**t, I only done it 'cause

I jealous of the love you share.

It's beautiful.

Come here.

Could you be the one?

Xavier: what's wrong, my

Child?

You feel like a man -- ooh --

Who needs my help.

Come here for a sec.

It's my baby!

The baby's mine!

I preggoed her!

Xavier: ooh! Peep show!

sh**t, what say we share the

Baby?

Let's all get a beer and talk

About how we're gonna break I

To our unborneded that he go

Eight daddies who love each

Other very much.

Every once in a world,

Someone comes along who's so

Infuriatin', no one can be

Violent to anythin' else around

Him -- a cooler.

You got the gift, freak.

If you stick around and be my

Bouncer, you'd be doin' me a

Fine flavor.

[ Amplified ] we got 31 flavors

Available at the bar.

Xavier: I'll be your violence

Absorber, your cosmic sponge of

Aggression, sucking off all the

Machismo you can sploot my way.

I'll let these kit shickers ki

The shick out of me and then

Let them shove the cack of their

Human shick in my face.

I'll let them all beat the

Bejesus out of me and then rub

The bejeez into my hair.

I'll take your licks and bounce

For you.

So you don't want to do it?

Xavier: no! I'm in!

[ Amplified ] we're gonna

Stay open, folks!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm so glad this place ain'

Gonna shut down.

Now my dream might come true.

I always knew there's nothin'

More beautiful than a woman

Plump with child.

I want to get a operation to

Become big mama d*ck and

Experience that joy.

I saved my sperm, and once I

Impregnate my woman-self, I'll

Give birth to baby papa d*ck and

Give him a sex-change operation

To become baby mama d*ck so he

Can give birth to me.

It's a simple dream, and I do

Believe america -- that's wha

He/she's about.

Xavier: glad I could be of

[Sniffs] cervix?

Why don't you go hit the

Break womb?

I thinkin' about gettin' my

Baby bump pierced.

Hear it heightens somethin'

Called a orgasm, in the baby.

Y'all hear shirelle go

Fired?

Turns out she wasn't really

Pregnant.

It was one of them phantom

Pregnancies, psychosomatic-like.

She was so sure she was

Pregger, she swolled up with a

Phantom belly.

I heard she even gave birth to

The phantom baby.

They say her phantom baby

Still lurks among these walls,

Angry its mama got fired jus

'Cause it don't exist.

Whoa.

[ Thumping ]

Uh-oh. He's kicking.

Xavier: ladies.

That's where mommy's bedroom

Used to be.

Aww, look at my sweet mother --

So peaceful when she's sleeping.

Mommy!

I made you another drawing!

Monster child

What'shappening?

Monster child!

It's scary, mommy.

Xavier: go on -- caress her

Face, boy.

Stroke her tender, succulen

Skin, you idiot!

This is your chance!

I wish I could talk to my young

Self.

Wait -- if I simply remember

That I did talk to my young

Self, that means it will have

Had happened.

Hmm.

I remember that I appeared in

Front of myself, and I said, "go

On -- touch her, touch her."

[ Gasps ] who are you?!

Xavier: this may be the las

Time you get to touch your

Mother, because she's going to

Die!

She's obviously being plagued by

Some sort of demon.

She's vulnerable.

So you have to constantly be

There with her.

Smother your mother.

Smommy our mommy with perpetual

Protectionating and never le

Her oot from under the crab

Shell of your munificent vice

Grip for even a nano-ticond or a

Subtonk.

But how can I do that?

I'm just a kid.

Xavier: let's scram out of

Here, and I'll show you.

Guardianing isn't here.

It's up here and here.

You're just a dull lump of clay,

And I must sculpt and mold you

Into my homage -- the greates

Minder known to man.

What are you doing on the

Putt-putt?!

Xavier: let's get the hell

Out of here!

Your mind and body must be

Quick.

Keep trying to punch yourself.

See how quick I am?

Oh!

Didn't even see me coming.

This journey is devoted towards

Unteaching you to unlearn all

You know.

Rather, this non-journey isn'

Revoted distowards comegoing

Away, from, to, in, out, over,

Under formembergetting.

Whoa!

What the hell happened to you?

Hey! Get out of my store!

Xavier: you have to be so

Zen, you can make weak minds

Crumble at your potent thoughts.

How would someone do that?

Xavier: you've got the gift.

Contemplate existence!

Ponder infinity!

Ponder harder!

I've seen deeper repose on a

Dead donkey!

I'm going to work you till your

Body is cut like an ox.

Gonna be months of hard,

Grueling -- I'm getting tired

Just thinking about it.

Tell you what -- I'll jus

Remember that I put you through

The wringer.

It hurts!

Xavier: acupuncture.

What happened?

Xavier: I stuck it in you,

And you became a man.

So that's my guardian animal?

Xavier: yes.

It has a message for us.

I will read its entrails.

According to these entrails,

This animal died needlessly a

The hands of a dim goon.

It's your job to stop such

Injustices.

The markings of a warrior shall

Summon the warrior whoop.

Tweet, tweet, n*gga, dot,

Hooty-hoo! ♪

And now we buy ice-cream cones.

Ofdeeper truth.

Yeah.

You must let go of linear modes

Of rational thought.

Example -- this is your grinder,

But I'm eating it.

Could use more rationalaise.

Now I've got to teach you to be

Deep.

But how?

How did I learn?

Oh, yeah.

I have a hazy memory that this

Really creepy guy came to me.

[ Creepy voice ] you're

Special!

Ew!

You're scaring me.

I'm not supposed to talk to

Strangers.

I remember when I was a kid.

A really freaky stranger came to

Me.

I can't do this!

It's too hard!

Xavier: let me show you how

You will turn out if you don'

Follow my teachings.

[ Gasps ]

I don't want to be that guy.

Okay, I'll do whatever you say.

Xavier: bingo, doodle,

Hooty-hoo!

Now, which way out of here?

Uh? Huh. Uh? Huh.

Okay, I don't want to end up

Like that guy.

I'll do what you say.

Xavier: uh? Huh? Uh

You've absorbed all of my

Knowledge, and thus you have

Earned my soul.

Go on, boy -- hop in!

You've put your manhood in

Me.

Fromst this henceforth, my

Vowulation is towards

Protectorize mine mommy.

Who are you talking to?

This visitor -- right here.

You see someone?

Is this place haunted?!

You bring evil spirits, boy!

I need a -- I haven't had a

Drink since the night you were

Conceived.

Go get me some whiskey and some

Pills!

Xavier: say "yes," then jus

Give her apple juice and sugar

Pills.

Protect her always.

Yes, mama.

Sweet nectar!

Argh! I hate you!

I wish you were never born!

You scare me.

Xavier: don't worry -- she's

Not really intoxicated.

It's all in her mind.

Will this save mommy?

Xavier: I think it worked ou

Well.

I remember time went by.

Lady, get me more of these

Pills and whiskey, and I'll

Suck --

You're addicted!

I wish I wasn't addicted.

Xavier: go on -- break her

The good news about your decade

Of deception, your bout of

Epocock and bull, your wormhole

Whopper.

Tell her about your period!

Mother, you haven't taken

Any inebriants at all.

I've been feeding you apple

Juice and sugar pills all these

Years.

Aren't you proud of me, mother?

So it's all in my head?

I don't know what's real!

I can't trust anything!

I'm losing my mind!

Xavier: tell her, "don'

Worry."

It's all in her mind.

Who are you talking to?

Xavier: I'm talking to this

Child here.

He's right here.

He sees the phantom child!

The phantom child has

Returned to haunt us!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

The strip club is hain-ed!

Hey, ned, this place is haunted!

Haunted?

I said, "this place is

Hain-ed!"

No, come back! Keep spendin'!

My lady dream is slippin'

Through my womanly man-fingers.

Dream slipping away

Future child dying.

Don't just stand there!

Do somethin'!

Xavier: I have pre-foresworn

To bounce these ghosts.

How do you make something flee?

Everyone flees when they are

Scared.

What scares people?

Everyone around here is scared

Of ghosts.

I'll make the ghosts think this

Place is haunted.

But how do you dress up like a

Ghost?

Why are you asking me?

Some help you are, lady.

If you want to dress up like a

Ghost, you need to throw a piece

Of fabric over your head.

Where can you get your hands on

Some fabric quick?

The fabric of time gone by.

Boo-hoo, ghosts!

I'm scaring you!

Get oot!

There's a ghoost in the hoose!

Get oot of the hoose!

Oooost! Ooooooost!

Fire!

Honey, get out of the house!

Get out! Get out of the house!

These flames aren't real.

Everything is just in my mind.

Xavier: I scared the ghosts

Away.

I got the chumps on the run.

Oh, look! It's the cuddlecrumbs!

The cuddlecrumbs are here?

I don't remember any of this

Happening.

Huh?

Huh?

Doth

Have

Life.

Grandpapapapa, are you done

Reminiscing yet?

[ Rasping ] and that is the

Legend of our messiah.