01x02 - Deb's BBQ

[bunniefuu]

And with the hanging

of this mint condition

autographed photo of Jackée Harry,

our new office is officially complete,

and we are now totally spies.

May you protect us

and watch over us in all your glory. Amen.

Maybe we swap her out for Carmen Electra?

Or someone actually inspiring like that?

When do we think we're gonna start spying?

I'd like to get a chemical peel before

the traditional pre-mission photoshoot.

V is in Buenos Aires and she'll be by

to grab the thumb drive when she's done.

We just need to hang on to it till then.

Man, it's crazy, huh?

All that juicy info

is just on this little thing

and we get to just wait.

You want to break the rules, don't you?

Daddy wants to be a bad baby.

Nuh-uh.

Ooh, I was once in a feature film called

Daddy Wants To Be A Bad Baby.

This time it actually

works out great for me.

Tomorrow's my biannual barbecue with Pam.

It's the biggest social event of the year

for q*eer women who live south of the 10,

even more sacred

than my Highland Games watch parties.

Man, those white boys

can really throw a tree.

Oh, of course.

Yeah, I completely forgot about that.

Go! A biannual barbecue sounds like

the l*sbian equivalent of the Oscars.

And Twink takes

the whole week off for those.

After the whole La La Land thing,

I was actually hospitalized.

So now that we're all feeling vulnerable,

Deb, how come

you never invite us to your things?

Because my wife doesn't know I'm a spy.

And I don't want her to find out

I've been lying to her all these years.

Makes so much sense.

I never should have have questioned you.

I'm gonna examine that.

We've got everything

under control here. Have fun.

And say hi to Pam for me, even though

we've never met and never will.

Sounds good. I'll be totally off the grid.

Pam makes us

put all our cell phones on airplane mode

because she says the signals

make her crab cakes bitter.

And I bet she's dead right.

Bye, Deb! We love you, Deb!

Deb is nice like a mom,

but cool like a car.

She really is.

Imagine having work and a life to balance.

This is so awesome.

Time to just totally chill.

Who's excited to chill, huh? I am.

Because I didn't really get enough

chill time over the last ten years

when we didn't have

any work to do. Remember that?

But now that we're real spies,

finally, we can really chill it up.

Mar, are you sweating or crying?

Neither. What? These are my chill fluids.

That said, you know what would be amazing?

If we hack this thumb drive

before V gets here.

- But we're not supposed to.

- You think V has time to hack things?

She's probably busy shining her pants

and shopping for new desks.

She's a busy lady.

Oh, hell yeah. Chaos Dad.

More like Above-and-Beyond Dad.

Let's hack!

You were so cool five seconds ago.

Whoa, it has the most intense

encryption I've ever seen.

All these layers of security,

puzzles, games, trivia, you name it.

Kelsey. I named it.

I've never seen anything like it.

Only an AI or the most incredible

human hacker alive could crack it.

Lucky for us, we have

the most incredible human hacker alive.

Luck is a short-lived HBO drama, Mary.

What I have is skill.

All right, let's do this.

"Hacker detected."

They're going to release

a virus on the AIA network?

Oh, this is no big deal. I can fix this.

- Uh-oh, I think I made it worse.

- So do I!

Can you stop hitting

that one button, please?

Okay, no need to panic.

Still got a whole day.

Two hours left.

There's real need to panic.

Come on, Stat. Push through. Push through!

I'm awake

I can't believe

I thought this was a good idea.

It's like when I bought

100 Princess Di Beanie Babies

and thought I'd be a billionaire.

Instead I just became a multi-millionaire.

Hello?

Hey, Steve, it's Benji,

from Benji I mean, next door.

Pfft. I'm sorry.

I said my name twice. That is so weird.

Oh, hey. Hi.

Yeah, hey.

Um, so I saw your lights were on.

I wanted to see if you wanted

to grab coffee or something. My treat.

Yeah, uh, sorry, really bad time.

I got my hands full with design stuff,

super busy, lots going on,

Mom's in town, pottery class tonight,

studying for the LSATs.

Oh, totally. Maybe another time.

Yeah. Sounds good.

Ugh, I wish Deb was here.

She's got good mom energy.

She'd know exactly what to do.

Ba-ba! Ba-ba!

Oh! Oh, I actually know this one.

Maybe I have good mom energy, too.

Come on, drink your bottle

of warm Mountain Dew.

Yes! That's right.

Do the Dew!

There's no office for me,

and yours is huge. I'm taking this one.

Over my dead people's hair wigs you are.

This is my space,

and I need every inch of it.

It's the same size dressing room

Diana Ross has. I looked it up.

- You set up out there.

- No dice.

I don't do open-concept office spaces.

A man needs a door to close

so he can smell his own farts.

Wait, you like smelling your own farts?

No doy, Sherlock.

I love what I eat for lunch. Why wouldn't

I want to experience it again?

Well, I'm not leaving.

I need my own space, too,

for my accoutrements.

What is all this crap?

Wigs, makeup?

You know how real spies go undercover?

They slap on a fake mustache

and make up a fake name.

Something cool like

Chet Blaster or Steve California.

All this froufrou stuff.

You're not an agent.

You're a friggin' clown.

Stand up straighter, Bastien.

You need to build up your muscles

if you're going to be the star

of O or Zumanity.

My son must be the French fry

in the poutine, not the curd.

I'm trying

as hard as I can, Père.

I cannot believe the child of two

Cirque du Soleil stars is so talentless.

This is all because you inherited

your mother's jelly bones.

But Mama said my jelly bones are my gift.

No, it is a curse.

If you're not careful, you won't even

be cast in Cirque du Soleil.

You'll end up a silly little clown in

Don't say it!

the regular circus.

I don't have jelly bones!

Ah, Debbie-doodle,

why don't you invite your friends

from Pep Boys to the barbecue?

Throwing some people not wearing cleats

into the mix would be good for the lawn.

Ugh, Jesus, Nadja's wearing ice crampons.

Pep Boy friends are great,

but I like to keep them at Pep Boys.

Mixing my worlds is

like mixing oil and water,

only advisable when you're making

your world-famous

vegan raspberry salad dressing.

I get it.

Well, maybe I'll get to meet them one day.

Thanks for understanding.

I just want to enjoy our barbecue

with my wife, my friends

and my 16 trauma dogs.

All right, ladies,

shirts off, board shorts on.

The pool is open. Ah

Come on, Stat.

You're the key to saving

the whole AIA network right now.

Doesn't that fill you with energy

the way it fills me with dread?

Oh, V! What a delight.

What a truly good time to have called.

Hello, agent. Sorry to interrupt you,

but since you just said

this is a good time for me to call,

I guess I'm not interrupting you.

Anyway, great news.

I'm leaving Buenos Aires

a little early. I'm headed your way.

Oh, goody. So, what is that, 13 hours?

Maybe in a f*cking Subaru, am I right?

No, I got a jet.

I'll see you way sooner than that.

f*ck! I mean, cool!

I mean, what's the rush, right?

Why don't you stay

in Buenos Aires for a bit?

Have you ever hung out with ex-president

Cristina Fernández de Kirchner?

She's hilarious. I'm sure

you girls would have lots to kiki about.

Mary, I'm old enough to be

your young aunt. Do not call me "girl."

I'll see you in an hour.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing to my wigs?

I have to practice my crossbow somewhere.

Samantha, no!

She is a businesswoman!

How am I supposed to command respect now?

Wait, you think you commanded respect

before I shot Samantha?

That's it. I cannot work

under these conditions.

Come on, Roxanne.

We need a safe space immediately.

Let's go somewhere dark and dramatic.

Stat! Enough sleepy times!

V is on her way now.

We can still get this done in time

and blow her mind

Twink locked himself

in the trunk of the Subaru.

- Can I shove it off a cliff?

- What?

Twink! Why did you lock yourself

in there? Are you okay?

Buck is creating

a hostile work environment.

He's the Shannen Doherty of our bunch.

And as the Jennie Garth,

I don't accept it!

No, I'm not. You're just thin-skinned.

- Get bigger skin, idiot.

- Twink, come out.

No, I need time to think.

And Deb keeps

a lot of earthquake supplies in here,

so I can stay as long as I need to.

Why am I being punished for giving 110%?

It always pays off

for Biggest Loser contestants.

Wait a minute, we're spies.

We can just pick the lock.

Ooh! Jesus!

How did Deb teach a car

to know where my nuts are?

I really wanted her

to have her special day,

but we gotta crash Deb's barbecue.

Get f*cked, Brenda!

I mean, good game, great hustle.

Well, hello.

We've got some late arrivals, I see.

Mary?

Hey! Sorry to drop by

without being invited.

What are you doing here?

This is my house.

I know, and what a lovely house it is.

And you are not supposed to be here. Ever!

What the f*ck is going on?

So, I wanted to

go above and beyond to impress V

by starting the hack early

and everything went wrong.

Now Twink is locked in the trunk,

Stat can barely keep her eyes open,

and Buck just generally sucks.

We need help. Please, help us.

Subaru. Garage. Now.

My worlds are colliding, people.

Now, I am pissed,

but I'm also picking up

on some real emergency energy,

so I'm willing to put it aside,

but I swear to God, Mary,

when this is all done,

we are going to have a conversation.

- Understood.

- Oof!

Are you okay?

Just a little bloated.

I ate so much of that earthquake protein

I almost became a twunk in the trunk.

Are you kidding me?

The big one's coming next

No, really?

What is this place?

There are a lot of posters of Flo-Jo.

Also a lot of bones

with teeth marks on them.

Oh, okay. The second part makes sense now.

This is my garage/Roku cave.

I go here to watch Roku because

sometimes people need private spaces.

Heard of it?

It's also where Pam and I

lock our traumatized pit bulls

who get skittish during social functions.

Hi, Ginger. Hi, Tori. Hi, Waffles.

Hi, Bonkers. Hi, Phoebe. Hi, Lydia.

Hi, Rosie. Hi, Blanche. Hi, Kirby.

Hi, Linguine. Hi, Alicia Keys.

Hi, Zipper. Hi, Midnight.

Hi, Diahann Carrol. Hi, Victoria.

Hi, Scooby-Doo.

Hey, g*ng.

Put Stat there.

Mary, did you not

check Stat's levels once?

You think she's a basic b*tch?

Because her pH is alkaline as sh*t.

This should fix it.

That's the stuff.

Sweet, sweet taurine. Thanks, Deb.

Okay, we can't have

you all just hiding here.

It's too suspicious.

Twink, man the grill.

Why don't you

let me handle that, sweetheart?

It takes a man to man a grill.

I was captain

of Grill Club in high school.

If y'all don't just go make that food

- Fine, yup.

- Fine! Okay!

The beauty of being Black and mad is

you don't have to finish the sentence.

- You, come with me.

- We're leaving Stat?

We don't know sh*t about hacking,

so we can't help even if we want to.

Now that Pam saw you,

if you're not out there,

she's gonna wonder where you are

and come looking.

Plus, as you know,

this barbecue is important

and I don't want to

Jesus. It's just a barbecue.

Just a barbecue?

I mean, I know it's important to you,

but the fate of the world's

kinda hanging in the balance here.

Listen up. I am saving your a*s right now.

You got yourself into a mess, not me.

So while Stat does her thing,

why don't you calm yourself down a bit?

I can't! I've been doing a full-body Kegel

since we went rogue

and got this thumb drive.

All your nervous energy

isn't helping anything.

I know the stakes are high,

but also the steaks are ready,

so let's go out there and get our d*ke on.

Okay, sounds good

and smells good. Let's do this.

Remember, not one word

about Q-Force in front of my wife.

Love your flannel, Inez!

Amazing Fitbit, Carla!

Love how your bangs

and hair are the same length, Nia!

So you're a grill expert, is that right?

Yes. I'm so good,

I could basically work at Benihana,

except I'm not allowed

in Benihanas for other reasons.

I stuck my hog

in an onion tower on a dare.

I'm really good at grilling, too.

Where did you get those shoes?

- Sears.

- And they're exquisite.

See?

I'll handle the meat, little guy.

You can squirt the mustard when I'm done.

Yeah, no, I don't do

second banana, except on cardio days.

Who does cardio anymore?

It's all about eating max protein.

I eat a quarter mile of Slim Jim a week,

and that's how I know I'm good.

Why don't you just try

and do, like, one thing right?

Bastien, just do one thing right.

You are shaming me and your brothers

in front of the woman on fire

who sings like Enya.

What the f*ck?

Whoo-hoo!

Whatever you do,

just act natural.

Deb! There you are.

Alix was looking for you.

She said we're out of vegan chalk

for the hopscotch court.

Oh, so you must be Mary.

I'm thrilled you could

get away from the shop.

I know.

Well, we fixed all the cars,

and I'd tell you more,

but mechanic/car confidentiality.

Understood.

I've heard so much

about you over the years.

It truly is such an honor

to meet in person.

Same.

Deb adores you. She's constantly talking

about how good you are

at working with underserved communities,

like troubled children and Capricorns.

And Deb never stops talking

about how great you are

as a Pep Boys manager.

I feel like I'm meeting

a celebrity right now,

like Giada De Laurentiis.

So, you're flying solo, huh?

No Deb of your own?

Not yet. I was texting with

this guy, Benji, but I sorta blew him off.

I've been really busy with work. It's, uh

wiper blade season.

Can't believe

you haven't been snatched up.

You're so strong

and your shampoo smells like Big Sur.

Life is short. You need relationships.

Deb and I merged

our bank accounts on our first date.

Okay. You all know what time it is now.

Let's bob for

Peppers?

Wait, why are we bobbing for peppers?

Apples are rough

on the local bee population.

- These are more sustainable.

- What's my prize?

You don't have to share your pepper.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Come on!

You have incredible thigh strength.

And you have the most beautiful calves

I've ever seen, Kaitlynn.

Together, we make one perfect leg.

Speaking of which,

could Maddie and I get some of your sperm?

No.

Ow!

Uh, yeah. Burgers are supposed

to be raw on the inside

and burnt to a crisp on the outside.

Black and red, like a pirate's hat.

You know,

I had a co-worker like that once.

A real DOB, daughter of a b*stard.

I just wish he didn't get to me so much.

I mean, I usually can't resist

a chance to limbo with the girls.

Well, don't let him ruin your day.

Show us what you've got.

Um, lower?

No, like lower.

Dude, that was amazing!

Mama said my jelly bones were my gift.

And I guess I do have

so many gifts to share.

Oh-h*-h*, do I have gifts to share, honey.

Gifts to share!

Hmm, sounds like

you're still kinda fixating on

Share 'em loud,

share 'em proud! Show the gifts!

Oh-h*-h*! He'll see them.

You're sure no lesbians

have entered the Roku cave?

I told them

two of the pit bulls just broke up

and all the dogs

are really torn up about it.

None of them wanna cross

that emotional boundary. How's Stat doing?

She told me

if I checked in with her one more time,

she'd throw an axe through my skull,

so I'll just give her some space.

Got you.

Deb, I apologize

for interrupting your lovely barbecue.

I was just so hell-bent

on impressing the Agency

that I wasn't considering your feelings.

Okay, Mary, I accept your apology.

Only because I just had

a big cup of Marlena's hard cider

and I'm feeling gooey.

- Hello, agents.

- Oh, God, V!

How did she find us?

My house uses the same

location-masking shields as Wakanda.

Why is your squad

at Agent Deb's private home

mingling with civilians?

I ordered you to stay in the office

and protect the thumb drive.

This could compromise everything.

Agent V, there is

a perfectly good explanation,

which I'm going to give you

right after I run away really quick.

You look like

you could use a white sangria.

Uh, is there any other kind?

Is this a wooden house?

Didn't know they made 'em out of wood.

Oh, also, again, what the hell's going on?

- Mary's got everything under control.

- Hi, there! Nice to meet you.

I'm Alix. Do you work at Pep Boys, too?

Uh

Yes, ma'am.

I am Veronica,

the West Coast regional manager.

She's the big dog.

She worked on Portia's Audi.

Wow. Well, we're so glad you came.

And such a high-powered boss lady,

you're the perfect person

to judge the slaw-off.

Slaw-off?

Meaning coleslaw?

I haven't eaten a side dish since 1987.

Deb, what's happening?

- Just keep your cover a few more minutes.

- Fine.

Don't get up till you've tasted them all,

plus Cabbage Patty's cabbage patties.

I guess this one really highlights

the acidity of the cabbage.

And this one's got a ton of raisins in it.

You don't see that too often.

I live in a bit of a bubble, I guess.

I always thought coleslaw

had to be a certain way,

but I'm realizing now that coleslaw

can come in all different shapes, sizes,

colors and amounts of raisins in 'em.

Let's try another.

Not to put any pressure on you,

but if you don't figure this out in

oh, 14 minutes, the entire world

will be plunged into chaos.

I'm so close.

I'm at the final layer of security,

but it's trivia

and I can barely think straight.

It's all this intense

random sh*t about subjects

like construction,

winter sports, bee sustainability.

Wait, that sounds

like a job for the lesbians.

They know all about those things.

So here you are.

I haven't been this bloated

since the Carter Administration.

Can I have

that damn thumb drive already, please?

Okay, promise you won't get mad.

I might have told Stat to start hacking

so we could surprise you

with the unencrypted data,

but instead it's going to release

a virus on the AIA network

unless we answer

l*sbian-related trivia right this second.

So, in a way, I guess

I did surprise you, just in a bad way.

That thumb drive is the one piece

of evidence in the one case you

Okay, okay, the clock's ticking,

so I can't lecture you right now,

but I do have time to give you

one very disappointed look.

Oh, no, please don't do that.

It burns!

Good. Now bring on the lesbians.

It's trivia time.

"What is the leading

parasitic cause of bumblebee death?"

The Varroa mite. Easy!

"When did women's curling

officially join the Olympic Games?"

Nagano, 1998.

The best year of my f*cking life!

- "This film"

- Carol!

Correct. Okay, last question.

"What would the correct ignition timing

be on a 1955 Bel-Air Chevrolet

with a 327 cubic inch engine

and a four-barrel carburetor?"

Ooh, that's a question

for Veronica, I think.

- No, it's a bullshit question.

- What?

It's a trick question

because Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55.

The 327 didn't come out till '63,

and it wasn't offered in the Bel Air

with a four-barrel carb till '64.

However, in 1964,

the correct ignition timing

would be four degrees

before top-dead-center.

Correct!

Thank you.

I know a lot about cars

because of Pep Boys.

And we're in!

And I'm out.

Finally, this was almost

a complete sh*t-show.

- Slaw kicking in? I get it.

- No!

You starting the hack

after I specifically told you not to.

You don't need to

work so hard to impress me, Mary.

I already like you.

Stop being so extra

and just follow my orders already.

Yes, got it. Loud and clear.

But now that it's done and there's

no virus taking over the Agency,

you're kind of super impressed, right?

Not gonna dignify that with an answer.

I should get going

and deliver this thumb drive, anyway,

before another l*sbian

tries to lecture me about zoning laws.

Why do they all want

their Jacuzzis to be so tall?

I have no idea.

This is gonna blow his freaking

Oh, Mary, I thought you'd be

Twink?

Well, I'm not Twink,

but I do want to talk to you about Twink.

I can't believe you made me

spend the whole day with him.

He's so ridiculous. You should fire him.

He's actually the best master of disguises

I've ever met, and I've met Sia.

Oh, please.

No one believes his little disguises.

He can put on a skirt and wig, but he'd

never pass for a real spy like us.

Really? Funny you should say that

'cause I've got news for you,

Miss Bucky. I

I don't actually

f*cking care what you think.

I see it so clearly now.

You're just a French-Canadian

figment of my imagination.

What are you talking about?

I'm from Philadelphia.

Of course you are.

Anyway, it doesn't matter

if Twink's many talents are lost on you.

That's your problem, not his.

You have no right to treat him like sh*t.

- Grow up. That's an order.

- You can't give me orders.

So funny you should say that,

because I literally just did.

Uh, okay?

It is okay.

"It's not right, but it's okay."

Thunderpuss Remix.

Today was almost a disaster,

but it wasn't. Thank you, Jackée.

- Cute outfit, Twink.

- Oh, my gosh, thanks! You, too!

What's up, Slaw Queen?

Q-Force, despite the mess

Agent Mary dragged us all into,

we've analyzed the data

on that thumb drive, and it's major.

The black-market uranium deal

is going down on American soil.

- We need you on the case immediately.

- Does that mean

That's right. Q-Force is going on

their first out-of-town mission.

Yes!

To Wyoming!

More in the morning. V out.

Still pretty good. We love a square state.

It's gonna be really weird

not flying over it for once

'cause I didn't even know

you can land there.

Hey. Ever since we got

the Agency's okay to be an active squad,

I've been a little trigger-happy.

But today I went about it

all wrong and, anyway

I promise I'll never go rogue

without you again.

Or you can stop going rogue altogether,

'cause, hey, it's a little messy.

It is indeed.

Your barbecue was

really lovely, by the way.

Pam is a queen,

and you have so many friends.

Yeah. It's nice to have

a life outside of work, Mary.

I say this with love

You need a f*cking man!

You're right. Always are.

- Steve?

- Hey.

Sorry if this is weird.

I was in the neighborhood,

and I had this great bottle of wine,

and I was just wondering

You wanna watch a movie or something?

I would love that.

Cool.

I love movies.

They're, uh, so cool to watch.

Yeah.

and hold you in heaven ♪

Whoo ♪

It's on me ♪

To fill in the void

When the days start to fade ♪

Fade ♪

Stay! ♪