01x09 - The Coeur de la Mer

[bunniefuu]

And when we got

to the spice market,

you were like,

"Bam, bam, bam! See you later, jerks."

Wait, that's your impression of me?

I would never say "jerks."

"m*therf*ckers" or "shitbags"

is more like it.

You know I'm uncensored,

like a female Harvey Keitel.

"Uncensored" is one word for it.

Please, you love my flair.

This flair's

gonna save the AIA from itself.

Ooh, speaking of, you wanna run

through the plan one more time?

Hell yeah! Plan is my middle name.

Well, Plan-tricia, but

Wow, that sure is a big waterfall.

V, my spy partner and best friend,

what are you doing?

It's more like, "What are you doing?"

Honey, don't give me line readings.

This isn't Tootsie.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry to betray you!

Pew-pew.

Oh, sh*t, I'm definitely dead!

How's that for flair?

I bet I'd win Best Supporting Actress

if this was a TV show and not real life.

Are we sure about this plan?

Hey, it'll work. The AIA is gonna love you

after you fake-eliminate me.

Then, once you've secured

the access we need,

you'll give me the signal and bam!

We finish off Greyscale once and for all.

See, at least you do say "bam."

I was right about that.

I guess I'm just gonna miss you.

Stop acting like I'm really gonna die.

I'll be in hiding for a year at most.

By New Year's Eve next year,

phase two of our plan will be done.

The AIA will be good and f*cked

and we'll be laughing about this

on top of the Eiffel Tower.

But you never made it

to the Eiffel Tower. Hmm.

It's not that cool, anyway.

If you've seen a picture of it,

that's pretty much it.

It doesn't, like, do anything.

Still heartbreaking to wait that long

for a signal from somebody.

Honey, I know.

I used to clean Faye Dunaway's pool,

and despite me sending clear vibes,

she never once slapped me.

I just keep wondering what I did wrong.

Caryn, I'm just so sorry.

I had no idea that the AIA

would use Greyscale to wipe my memory.

I'm not even g*y. I just have big arms.

Stop apologizing. sh*t happens.

Like the other day, I accidentally

put two bear milks in my coffee.

I usually just do one bear milk,

but it's cool. I rolled with it.

That makes me feel better?

I don't know, V. Because of you,

your old partner has to milk bears,

and that's why I came back

from Fort Lauderdale with carpal tunnel.

It's in the past, and now we finally

get to finish what we started,

undoing Greyscale.

Okay, you guys are gonna hate me,

but Gayscale.

Bad?

Buck, fetch!

We now know Greyscale agents are

waiting to be unlocked all over the world,

but the file didn't have their locations.

Well, sure, all those locations

are kept at the Coeur de la Mer.

V and I always knew

this thing would end at the Coeur.

The Coeur de la Mer?

The Agency's top secret bunker

in the middle of the ocean

where they keep

all their most confidential information.

It's the stuff they want

no one to ever find out about.

I put stuff like that in a folder

on my computer called "ideas for novels."

No one would ever look there.

I can't believe

I haven't heard of this thing.

I even have a Google Alert for "underwater

bunker of secrets." Where is it?

Caryn's been safeguarding

the coordinates for 25 years.

And that's given me time

to make improvements on our plan, V. Here.

- Uh, what's that mushroom cloud?

- Oh.

I thought it'd be fun

to drop an atomic b*mb on it,

because I hate the AIA so much.

But as you can see, the Eiffel Tower

is just out of reach of the blast,

so we can still visit it.

Hmm, I hope it's still as tall

as it was in the '90s.

You know, Caryn,

I feel so bad asking you to sacrifice

any more than you already have.

- Maybe you shouldn't come.

- Are you kidding?

Attacking the Coeur and unlocking

the rest of the Greyscaled agents

is my happy place.

Is that why there's

a cute smiley face drawn on your plan?

No, that's me wearing Dirk's skin

as a mask. Maybe too much?

Mary, can I talk to you for a sec?

I want to show you a pretty tree.

Oh, I know the one you mean.

Looks a little like ALF.

Is that show still on? You know, I've been

scared to ask anyone this whole time.

So, Caryn seems

To have lost her g*dd*mn marbles? Yes.

Which is particularly sad,

because she loved mancala.

And this is me and V

and Nathan in Latvia in '89.

Baby, we smuggled out

an entire soccer team inside a cow.

Nathan could stuff me

in a cow, that's for sure.

I'm attracted to him.

Nathan got Greyscaled.

I'll be honest, Caryn.

You're my anarchist fantasy.

It's my dream

to convince the government I'm dead.

I thought you said your dream

was potatoes are looking at you.

No, that was a dream. My real dream

is to disappear from society completely.

Like, let's talk fingerprint removal.

Are we talking knife, fire, acid?

Look, I love cabin life, but sometimes,

when I'm sitting in my eating chair,

eating a can of iced chicken,

I get lonely. I miss my old teammates.

And to think, when my wife went down

that boring-a*s chiropractic YouTube hole,

it was all leading to this.

Wait, a tube for you?

Oh, look at the time.

We better get to foraging.

Leaves and berries

don't just grow on trees, you know.

You'll want to follow

my path pretty precisely.

Cabin's surrounded with homemade landmines

and I remember where most of 'em are.

Aw, that just made me homesick.

I miss my booby traps.

Caryn isn't gonna be happy

if we steal the coordinates.

She wants to come with us.

I know, but she'd only be a liability.

After everything she's been through,

she's a broken husk

of the beautiful corn cob of a woman

I used to know and trust.

Again! Again!

But even after all the pain I caused her,

she still trusted I'd come back.

Guess that's why there's two beds?

Yikes, but also aw.

Oh, where have you hidden the map,

you sweet lunatic?

Oh, no.

Ah-ha! This is it!

The coordinates to the Coeur de la Mer!

Perfect! So how do we convince Caryn

to let us go without her?

We'll sneak away.

Better to beg for forgiveness later

than ask for permission now.

Did you just come up with that?

It's so profound and apt.

Yes, I did.

No twigs for me, please.

I'm avoiding gluten.

And I don't know what gluten is,

but it might be twigs.

The mushrooms are boring.

Thought for sure I'd be tripping by now.

Come on, guys.

This meal is great.

I hardly miss my regular 800 grams

of protein. Is it freezing in here?

Well, someone let our meat

escape from the trap.

It was a German shepherd. With tags!

Tags means it's fresh!

All right, nap time. You'll keep

an eye out for assassins till I'm up.

This is our chance.

We found the location of the Coeur.

Grab your things and let's move.

So, we're not telling Caryn?

Don't worry, I love keeping secrets

with my teeny little mouth.

I'm sure she'll understand.

If by some miracle we don't die

in a booby trap on our way out of here,

how are we gonna get

to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean

undetected by Caryn and the AIA?

As much as it hurts me

to say this about the Subaru,

she doesn't have the range.

Hold that thought.

I think I hear a little girl outside.

Mira, babe, I promise.

I'll only be on this mission

a little longer and then I'll come over

Hey!

I was talking to my girlfriend,

the princess of Gyenorvya.

Yeah, that's right,

she's my girlfriend now.

And I only had to ask

"What are we?" three times.

We're off the grid,

which means no phone sex.

It wasn't phone sex!

You'd know if it was phone sex.

I'm a screamer.

I was bragging about how great a time

I'm having with Q-Force.

Oh, seriously? Well, that's kind of nice.

Despite how dangerous and stupid it is

to even have your phone on

while we're on the lam.

Wait, we need a jet to get us

to the middle of the ocean.

Maybe the princess can help us.

- I bet she would.

- Great! Call her back.

She loves the LGBBQ community.

That's why she's hosting World Pride.

Wait. Why aren't you guys going to that?

Are you not prideful?

Let's talk about that. That's sad.

Just ask her for the f*cking jet!

Man, that Caryn's two helpings

of cuckoo puffs and a side of bananas.

Hey, Q-ties! Welcome to my jet.

It's got stealth technology,

an impact-proof hull,

and a great foot spa if you guys decide

to give each other pedis in the sky.

Thanks for letting us use this,

Your Highness.

It's good to know

we have an ally like Gyenorvya.

Ohmygah, of course!

And don't worry about your plane, babe.

We won't wreck it.

Bring it back in one piece

and you can wreck me. Bye!

Damn, I was in such a rush,

I forgot to put on compression socks.

Caryn?

Hey, you guys almost forgot me!

Caryn! Oh, how could we have

overlooked bringing you along?

Let me look at my to-do list.

"Tell Caryn we're going

to the Coeur de la Mer,"

and it's crossed off,

which means I did it.

Mary, could I borrow you for a sec?

What are we gonna do?

Oh, she probably still remembers

how to use a parachute.

I'll lure her to the emergency exit

with a Biscoff cookie. You

Stop! It's too late.

We're going, she's here.

I mean, she is a little quirky.

Yeah, batshit quirky.

This mission requires precision

and I ruined her. We're f*cked!

It's fine, trust me. We're gonna see

this mission to the end, no matter what.

Okay, I've decided

I really belong on a private jet.

I even tried to clog the toilet

and it wouldn't let me. Classy!

We should be arriving now,

but nothing's coming up on the radar.

Are we sure they're the right coordinates?

I spent decades figuring out

where this island was.

I even had my calculations double-checked

by a very smart raven

I taught to do basic cartography.

Well, I'm not radar,

but I think I'm detecting

an island right outside my window.

Wait, it's literally a whole island?

I thought your coordinates

would take us directly to the facility.

The Coeur de la Mer is there somewhere.

Yeah, somewhere.

You know where it is, right? Right?

This island is cute.

If I'd known Dirk had an island,

I would've been way more into him.

The things I did

to David Copperfield

Okay, Caryn, where exactly is the Coeur?

- Well, I'm pretty sure

- You're pretty sure?

Because if you're wrong,

we're pretty dead.

Hey, back off! You're being tougher on me

than that mean raven!

So we're in the most dangerous,

top-secret location in the world

and we have no idea where we're going.

That's literally verbatim

what I said to Ben Platt

when we got lost

in Barbra Streisand's basement mall.

Everybody relax. Tracking's

one of my hundreds of specialties,

or have you all forgotten

that I was on Survivor?

I don't care if the challenge

ended four hours ago!

I'm not doing this for immunity.

I'm doing it for me.

I was known for two things in my season,

tracking players looking for idols

and setting the record

for most blurred-out competitor

of all time for excessive nudity.

We thank you for your service.

How that traitor Dranice won Fan Favorite,

I'll never understand.

If there's a bunker

on this island, I can find it.

I'm sure you can.

Okay, Buck, you stay with the jet

and wait for our upload.

Everyone else,

follow Deb blindly into the jungle.

Free the nip indeed, Deborah!

So, Survivor is just a game where people

live like me but the weather's nice

and occasionally they give you bad pizza

to eat on the ground? Sounds easy.

Are you sure we're on the right track?

Yeah, we wasted a lot of time

digging up cassava roots

and making Final Five alliances.

But there's only six of us here

Oh, my God. I'm out!

Please tell me I made jury.

I really want people

to see me with conditioner in my hair!

If I were a Hidden

Immunity Idol, where would I be?

There!

A security camera.

We're on the right track.

Let's keep heading to higher ground.

All the signs pointed

to the entrance being up here,

but I can't smell any modern technology.

This is exactly why I got voted off.

Played too hard, too fast.

Stop! Deb, you're a great survivor.

You're still

the only competitor in over 30 seasons

who didn't get a yeast infection.

That's something!

That bird looks like a helicopter!

A Comanche attack helicopter. Cool.

Oh, we're gonna be dead real soon

if anyone wanted to say anything

about feelings or whatever.

They're only here because we're close.

Way to go, No-Shirt Deb!

Get to the tree line. We can't let

the AIA know Caryn is still alive.

Pull back!

Dirk. f*ck, I hate him!

Wait for our moment.

Let's assess.

Q-Force, I know you're here.

You can come out.

Please, Deb.

I can spot those areolas

in the dead of night, and I have.

Damn, we were

on the same season of Survivor.

She blindsided me after The Merge.

Our cover's blown.

Then there's only one option. Attack!

No! If Dirk sees you,

you'll never be safe.

Let me take care of this.

I won't leave you hanging again.

Hold on. We're not here to fight.

We're here to make a deal.

We're not interested, Dirk.

Drop your weapons.

Cut the sh*t, Desk.

I said cut the sh*t, Desk.

I swear, we just want to talk.

You've got five seconds.

Look, Mary, you proved your point.

You're an excellent spy and you followed

the trail right to the end.

But Greyscale happened a long time ago.

It's a relic of an agency

that doesn't even exist anymore.

If you stop right now

and keep this swept under the rug,

you can have anything you want.

A 200% budget increase for WeHo

or be lead agent in Beijing.

Wait, so just like that,

everything I've been asking you for

for ten years could be mine?

Ask him if I can have $100.

Yes, all you have to do is play ball

and the keys to the kingdom are yours.

And isn't this why you got

into this business in the first place,

because you love the AIA

and you want to help protect it?

$100!

Don't do this, Mary.

You can't always foresee

the consequences of a compromise.

Sometimes those consequences show up

when you least expect them.

Caryn! But we got rid of you.

You tried to end her life,

and then you took away my memories of her.

I worked inside the system

and they took a part of me.

Don't make the same mistake, Mary.

I joined the AIA to do good in the world,

not to turn a blind eye to the generation

of agents who were f*cked over

and tortured by the very agency

I've dedicated my life to.

I'm not going anywhere

until I've done what I came to do.

Idiot. I just gave you

the world on a silver platter

and you're pissing on it.

The platter's gonna rust.

Last time I shot at you, it was a warning.

This time, it'll be the real g*dd*mn deal.

Take us to the Coeur de la Mer, now!

She did not come here to make friends.

Okay, fine.

Wow.

When I saw that door in SkyMall,

I thought they were kidding.

Director Chunley,

please verify your identity.

When the dogs do this,

it means they ate too much grass.

Dirk, how much grass did you eat?

Too much?

No, dummy. It uses biometrics.

Yeah, like when a British guy asks

how big you are in centimeters.

- What are you all looking at?

- Nothing.

The system needs a large sample.

Yeah, no, very secure. No other way.

Why is your spit the consistency of flan?

I don't drink

a lot of water, okay, Mother?

DNA verified,

access granted.

Wow, what is that?

It's what you came for, idiot.

Inside that thing

are the current whereabouts

of every AIA agent

who was subjected to Greyscale.

Hello,

I am the Coeur de la Mer.

So powerful!

- Stat, do your thing.

- Right. Yeah, uh, computer stuff.

Ding dong! Show me your d*ck!

Oh, sh*t, babe, you snuck up on me.

Oh, no, am I in trouble?

No, never, I just like

to prepare for your beauty.

It's like when I stare

into the sun. Ow! But hot.

Oh, my God, you are too sweet,

like my cotton candy vape cartridge!

How's the mission going?

Are you totally slaying?

It's going awesome.

Me and the gays are at this beach

where AIA hides all its secrets.

It looks like the desktop background

that came with my Dell

that I don't know how to change.

Wait, yummy! I love secrets. Tell me more.

I, like, eat them. I'm random.

Well, open wide, because the team

is sending a big load my way

and I'm ready to receive it.

Oh, that sounds hot! I wish

you were sending a big load my way.

Oh, sh*t, I didn't even

realize the double meaning!

Babe, when can I see you next?

I don't know how much longer I can wait.

I'm in. I got the Greyscale info,

the current whereabouts

of every agent the AIA ever f*cked with.

Upload it to the princess' jet.

Also, print a copy.

Daddy's feeling old school.

I know we're enemies, but I gotta ask,

what does Greyscale even do?

Back in the day,

the AIA used it to brainwash agents,

especially q*eer agents.

Are you sure? The Agency's so nice!

They let me spend my two vacation days

a decade on any naval base I want!

Damn. I don't even know

where to start with that.

Mary, you got what you wanted. Let's go.

Uh, Mary, there's a lot

of other sh*t on this server.

It's not just old projects like Greyscale.

There are active secret operations.

They're just tax forms

and healthcare records. Boring stuff.

It'd bore you.

Ignore the files behind the curtain.

They're still f*cking

with agents and civilians

in ways they don't want us to know about!

Wait, there's worse stuff

than Greyscale on there?

No, the country's

most powerful intelligence agency

stopped at erasing people's memories.

Of course there's more.

What are you, V, a stupid idiot baby?

Oh, my God. I've been so naive.

I am a stupid idiot baby.

I was dumb once

and it was so embarrassing,

but then I made my ponytail looser

and I was totally smart again.

You know what, Stat?

Upload everything to the plane.

What? Why? I said it was boring.

Yeah, I don't trust you.

And I bet all these files

will make a good insurance policy,

you know, in case you decide to f*ck us.

Okay, we've got it all.

Enough already.

Are you girls done yet? Can we go?

No, wait.

I've let you down over and over again,

and not just you.

For decades,

I've been letting people down.

Q-Force, the country, myself.

I lost the fire in my belly,

but it's back.

It's time to make these f*ck pay

for what they did and what they're doing.

The AIA is going down.

- What?

- What?

Let's finish what we started.

We're blowing up the Coeur, Mary.

Don't listen to her.

She's lost her mind! I'm your real friend.

If you do this, V, you won't just destroy

the projects on the server,

you'll disrupt the entire

AIA communication system.

It'll be days until the system

is back up and running.

Without a way to contact our agents,

all of America will be vulnerable.

And once we're back online,

we'll hunt you to the ends of the earth.

Maybe so, but at least

for a bit, it'll be a fair fight.

Welp, welcome to the new AIA, I guess.

You idiot! You'll all pay for this!

Not me, though, right? I'm broke.

Hiya!

Why are you helping us?

I never knew the AIA

was so h*m* until today.

I know this is shocking, but I'm g*y.

No sh*t.

Yeah, you're, like, gayer than me.

Can you also taste songs?

I'll hold off the robots as long as I can.

Consider this your Hidden Immunity Idol.

I can't believe

we just hit reset on the entire AIA.

I mean, worst case, we got a backup

of the data on the princess' jet.

Where the hell is the jet?

I swear I parked it right here.

No one saw

any street cleaning signs, did they?

I'm gonna k*ll Buck!

Thanks, b*tches.

My jet's flying toward me right now

with a jacked prisoner

and all of your agency's secrets.

What's going on?

The plane's haunted. Help me!

Jackpot much?

I knew you'd come in handy

one day. I love gays.

Now I have all the blackmail info,

nuclear codes and personal data I'll need

to launch myself and my country onto

the international stage at World Pride.

Drink it in, girls. I'm gonna be way

too powerful to talk to on the phone soon.

A female villain who is young?

Gonna have to stan on that one.

Holy sh*t. The princess is evil?

And she played us

like six sexy and courageous,

though often underestimated, fiddles.

I always had a bad feeling about her.

She has her read receipts on,

the true sign of a psychopath.

Look what you've all done.

The AIA systems are shut down

for who knows how long.

We're completely defenseless against her.

No, not completely defenseless.

You have us and you might hate us,

but now we're your only hope.

And for once,

we're not alone.