01x03 - The Renaissance Will Not Be Televised

[bunniefuu]

Last time, in this
potentially award-winning

history of human civilisation,
I showed you how our ancestors

underwent a sudden
spiritual awakening,

like my Aunt Carol.

Like Carol, they found exciting
gurus to follow.

But unlike her, they didn't
leave their husband

to live on a farm in Wales with them
alongside eight other women,

in a situation I can't discuss
further as it's currently

under investigation by
North Wales Police.

Our world changed forever
as religious messages

of tolerance and forgiveness
inspired mankind

to fight like rats in a
shoe for hundreds of years.

But the world was about
to have its mind expanded

and then split at the
seams by a different

kind of higher calling.

Humankind was about
to undergo a renaissance

by having the Renaissance,

here on the same planet
we still use today -

a glistening space rock
known as Earth.

It's the year 1440 -

not now, but then, in 1440 -

and a new invention is
about to spark a blaze

beneath the bush of possibility.

Centuries earlier, the Chinese
had invented printing,

but no-one in Europe paid attention
until the printing press

was invented again by a German
called Johannes Steve Gutenberg.

Gutenberg's press was the
first of its kind in history,

except Chinese history.

Did the printing press
actually change anything

of significance?

If Gutenberg hadn't
invented printing,

which meant that ideas
could be communicated

throughout the world,

our culture would not have developed
in the same way as it has.

So, in many ways,
he has made the world,

our modern world today.

So that's your idea of significant?

The first book to be printed
on Gutenberg's press

was The Bible.

But as well as
spreading the word of God,

it spread the word of
scientists, philosophers,

and eventually Dan Brown.

Writing new books takes a long time.

So to give their
presses something to do,

people reached back through time

in search of old material
to repackage.

That's how the philosophy
of ancient Greece

suddenly came back in
fashion and blew minds.

At the time, most people's lives
were as grim and joyless

as my Uncle Martin.

Their only hobbies were doing
backbreaking work,

dying of the plague
or being tortured.

As far as they were concerned,
this was all there was to life.

So, for them, being exposed
to ancient Greek philosophy

wasn't boring like it is now,

but a mind-expanding
experience that transformed

the way they saw themselves.

Like when I mate Paul ate
five ketamine brownies

and thought he could
communicate telepathically

with any animal he
saw on television.

Although, whereas Paul ended up
sectioned for his own safety,

our ancestors decided
to change the world.

This is Florence.

The Italians call it Firenze to try
and stop tourists from finding it.

But it's definitely Florence,

because we double
checked it on a British map.

Florence might look like
a pointless mess today

but, in the 15th century,
it was the epicentre

of an unprecedented artistic
and cultural phenomenon.

What was Renais' sauce?

Was that a sort of
16th century ketchup?

Renaissance comes from
the French, Renaissance.

Re-naissance.

Naissance is birth.

So it was seen as a rebirth.

So it's not a condiment at all?

No, not as far as I know.
OK.

What sauces did they use back then?

So, this is an area
of culinary history

I'm not very familiar with -
the history of sauces.

Oh, so you're not the sauce person?

I'm not predominantly
a sauce person.

We're going to have to rethink
this whole interview.

During the Renaissance,
Florence produced artists

who, for the first time in history,

were competent enough to create
paintings worth looking at.

One of the most competent
paintsmiths

was Botticelli.

So, what's this painting?

So, this is Alessandro Botticelli's
The Birth of Venus.

It's one of the great paintings
of the Renaissance.

So, do we know if the birth of
Venus actually looked like this?

Well, it's depicting a
sort of mythical figure,

so it's sort of metaphorical.

So it's the idea of a goddess...
Yeah.

..who is coming into being
rather than being born.

Her neck's very long.

Was she part-giraffe, or
could he just not do necks?

Her neck,

it's meant to be a sign of beauty -

that he would have
elongated the neck...

I've spotted a mistake here.

Look, he's blowing and her
hair's all whipping about.

But look at these
trees on the right.

Not moving at all. No wind.

I think these people have
been Photoshopped in.

It's all fake.

Other notable artists produced
3D paintings, or "sculptures",

the most famous example being
this very naked man

known as Michelange-los David.

If you manage to look past
his little marble goolies,

you'll notice there's an
incredible amount of detail

all over the rest of
Michelangelos' body.

His eyes have pupils in
them, like a Furby does.

His muscles are really detailed.

Look at his abs!

They proved gyms are bullshit,

because they didn't
have gyms back then.

But look how toned he is.

Then there's the realistic veins
in the back of his hands,

carrying statue
blood to his fingers.

Yet, despite all this
attention to detail,

a quick inspection of his back half
reveals he doesn't have an an*s.

It's a baffling omission.

Maybe the sculptor got embarrassed

or the model had to
leave early that day

or didn't actually have an an*s.

We just don't know.

The undisputed master
of the Renaissance

was a human known as
Leonardo da Vinci.

This is The Vitruvian Man.

It's a drawing made by
Leonardo in about 1490.

What's it for?

You know, what's the point of it?

The point was that
Leonardo wanted to know

how to sketch the
human body proportion.

Just to be clear, you can
see his bits, too?

I'm not imagining that?

Is there a version of this
with underpants on?

Oh, no, no. No.

He thought that was fine, did he?

It's a bit rude, isn't it?

No, it's not.

Because, you know, the beauty...

The beauty of the human body,
of course...

But look at the todger. You
can't say that's beautiful.

Look at it.

Leonardo also filled
notebook after notebook

with drawings of inventions
years ahead of their time.

What's that?

This is a flying machine.

It's like the helicopter.

It doesn't look very convincing.

Like, my mate Paul
invented a treadmill

for his fiancee's pet snake.

And the sketches for that were
much more convincing than this.

And he was on mushrooms.

Mind you, the prototype did
pull the snake's head off.

Yeah.

Worst ending to a birthday
party I've ever been to.

His inventions were one thing,

but it's mainly for his paintings
that we know da Vinci today.

This is the Mona Lisa,
an actual painting

that exists in our world
and on this wall.

It's Mona Lisa's
enigmatic character

that draws people in.

Like all women, you simply can't
tell what's going on in her head.

Just looking at her prompts
so many questions.

Who is she?
What's she smiling about?

Is she holding a balloon
between her knees?

And if so, what colour is it?

Has she got a boyfriend?
What's his name?

What's between his knees
and how can we find out?

The answer is we can't.

And that's why people
keep returning every year

to gaze upon her and wonder.

Then stop wondering and go home.

As well as looking all right,

da Vinci's work demonstrated mastery
of the trailblazing techniques

of the age, it says here.

Before the Renaissance,

other people's paintings
were in a sort of wonky 2D.

That's because artists had
no sense of perspective.

A bit like my mate Paul, who
punched a waiter in a TGI Fridays

for dropping his banoffee pie.

Just look at this 14th century
painting of Jesus

having his fateful tea party.

The dimensions are all wrong.

The room's squashed up so
it looks like it's happening

in the lid of a cardboard box.

Jesus is twice as big as the others,

so it looks like he's enjoying
an intimate dinner

with some schoolboys -
not a good look.

And what are those?
Bowls or seashells?

It's just shoddy craftsmanship.

Absolutely disgraceful.

Shouldn't even be in a museum.

But da Vinci's reboot of the same
painting is a different story.

He knew how to perspective
the f*ck out of things.

Look at the angles of the
walls in The Last Supper,

and the table there.

You almost feel like you could crawl
inside it and betray Jesus yourself.

Perspective was a huge
leap forward for human art,

on a par with the release
of Crash Bandicoot

centuries later.

There's no denying the Renaissance
was a pretty big deal

for civilisation.

Just how important it was is for
experts to decide.

Which was more culturally
significant -

the Renaissance or
Single Ladies by Beyonce?

They both have their period.

They both have their time.

Beyonce, I'm rather fond of.

But what the Renaissance
was trying to do

was to reform culture as a whole.

And whatever Beyonce does,

I don't think she's quite
got that ambition.

So, what? The work of a
few straight white men

just blows Beyonce
out of the water.

Is that what you're saying?
On camera?

The Renaissance might have
been expanding minds

but, without programmes like
this around to educate them,

people were still largely
ignorant about the planet

they were living on.

Ask a medieval peasant where America
was and you'd get a blank look.

Or worse still, the plague.

That's because, to them, the world
map looked like this -

a garbled mass of the countries
they'd discovered so far,

all squashed together, with
America nowhere to be seen.

But one man changed all that.

Italian sailor and detective
Christopher Columbo.

Columbo thought that if he
sailed off the edge of the map,

he'd reappear on the
other side like Pacman.

It would be a short cut to India,

and he'd shake off
any ghosts on his tail.

It was a huge risk.

If Columbo was right,
he'd be a millionaire.

If he was wrong,
he'd be a laughing stock,

but a dead one.

And he could live with that,
which is why he set sail.

Columbo failed to find India,

but his ship eventually
bumped into the New World,

Planet Earth, part II,
aka America.

And before long, others were
following in his wake.

This is Plymouth.

Gathered here in 1620
was a group of pilgrims

who yearned for a better life,

which isn't surprising because,
like I say, this is Plymouth.

The pilgrims leapt into
their watermobile or boat,

the Starship Mayflower,

and bravely sailed across this
drawing of the Atlantic Ocean

to arrive on the other side,
still in Plymouth.

They must've been devastated.

Luckily, it turned out this Plymouth
wasn't the one they'd just left.

At first, the European colonists
found life in the New World hard.

Luckily, some Native Americans
taught them how to grow corn

and where to fish.

In exchange, the
colonists introduced

the Native Americans to smallpox.

The settlers never forgot
what the Native Americans

had done for them,
although they did ignore it

when they massacred them
years later.

While the New World was
undergoing massive change,

a controversial breakthrough
was brewing in the Old World.

It's the early 1600s, and this
stupidly-dressed scientist

is about to change the way
mankind sees itself forever.

His name is Galileo, one
of the few figures in history

to become so famous they're
known by just one name,

like Churchill, Pepsi or Garfield.

Galileo's full name was Galileo
Figaro Magnifico, wasn't it?

I'm not sure that's right.
I don't know...

That's what it says in
Dominican Rhapsody.

Are you thinking of
Bohemian Rhapsody?

What was his name, then?

Well, as far as I'm aware,

his name was Galileo Galilei.

Galileo Galilei?
Yes.

That's like me being called
Philomena Philomeni.

Actually, I quite like that.

Galileo invented a
telescope so powerful

he could watch people getting
changed on the Sun.

Bloody hell! This makes
everything look massive!

Have you had to go on this yet?
It's amazing!

How did you do that?

Are you the real Galileo
or an actor one?

Was the real one busy?

Galileo's astronomical smart-arsery
led him to a discovery

so shocking the Pope
shat his hat off.

According to the Old Testament,

the Sun goes around the Earth -
not the other way around.

So, as far as the
church was concerned,

Galileo was calling
the Bible a liar.

Rather than overreact,
they did the Christian thing

by accusing him of heresy

and finding him guilty
in a corrupt show trial.

Galileo was sentenced to
spend the rest of his life

under house arrest on a planet
with a sun spinning around it.

The church thought the
Sun went round the Earth,

but Galileo thought the
Earth went round the Sun.

Whose side are we on, here?

We're most definitely
on Galileo's side,

as I think the church is today.

Is it possible they were both
right, and the Sun and Earth

go round each other?

That would keep everyone happy.

Can we just agree on that?

If only he'd invented some
kind of immortality engine

instead of his pointless telescope,

Galileo might have lived
to see his ideas accepted.

Sadly, he simply wasn't that clever.

Like science, the
world of philosophy

was also expanding,

thanks to massive
thinkers like this man.

Who was Jim Des Cart?

Well, I don't know who
Jim Des Cart might be,

but I do know that Rene Descartes
is often thought of

as the founder of modern philosophy.

What did he mean by,
"I think, therefore I am"?

Descartes meant that self-awareness,

self-consciousness

is the defining feature
of human identity.

So, hang on, if I think,
therefore I am,

what about other people?

Do they think, therefore they am?

How can I tell if they're
thinking, therefore they am?

Or am I just thinking they
think, therefore they am,

but actually they're not real

and I'm only thinking they am?

Are you thinking,
therefore you am right now?

Well, I wouldn't want to say
that my existence is dependent

upon my thought,

but that is not the claim
that Descartes wants to make.

Is it possible to think
you're someone else?

Like, if I thought really hard

that I was Eddie Murphy,

could I eventually become him?

If I did become him,
would he become me

or would he just disappear?

Did Des Carts ever
cover this stuff?

No, that's not a topic
that Descartes is covering,

as far as I'm aware.
Why not?

Descartes inspired an
intellectual movement known as

the Enlightenment,

during which Metrosexual Elitists
published essays

that expanded humankind's horizons
in a manner that will go unmatched

until the 1989 release of Belgian
techno anthem Pump Up The Jam.

# Pump up the jam, pump it up

# While your feet are stompin'

# And the jam is pumpin'

# Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'

# Pump it up a little more

# Get the party going on
the dance floor

# See, cos that's where the
party's at

# And you'll find out
if you do that

# I don't want a place to stay

# Get your booty on the floor
tonight

# Make my day

# I don't want a place to stay

# Get your booty on the
floor tonight... #

The man trapped inside
this painting

is Enlightenment philosopher
Jean-Jacques Rousseau,

a name so French he might as well
have been called Pierre Baguette,

but wasn't.

Which is why I didn't call him that.

Rousseau wrote, "Man is free,
but is everywhere in chains."

He dreamed of a new
society in which people

were masters of their own destiny.

It was the same dream
that was tempting colonists

to the new world in
droves - and boats.

After arriving in America
to forge a life

of honest hard work and toil,
many of these colonists

quickly discovered
they couldn't be arsed,

so they stole people from Africa
and made them do it instead.

You might think these
were precisely the people

Rousseau had been talking
about when he said mankind

needed to throw off its chains.

But they weren't.

Like many humanists,
he'd found a clever loophole.

By not thinking of sl*ves as human,
he was free to not give a sh*t.

As luck would have it, around this
time, the colonists started getting

interested in freedom.

Although as luck wouldn't have it,
it wasn't the sl*ves' freedom

they were interested in,
but their own.

The British colonies were ruled
by king, and line drawing,

George III.

But the relationship
between Old England

and the New World
was getting frosty.

What started the tension between the
British and the Americans?

Was it because you say "cookies"
and we say "biscuits"

and you say "sidewalk"
and we say "pavement"?

Cos I find, in a relationship,
it's those little things

that start to grate after a while.

It was worse than that!

Britain decided they were
going to tax the colonies,

and this hadn't happened before.

So it was a disagreement
over money, basically?

It's like the situation
between me and my ex, Sean.

When we used to get a takeaway -

or "takeout", as you call it -

sometimes, you know, he would
always insist that we go halves,

and yet he would want to
buy things like onion bhajis,

which he knows I hate.

And they made his
breath stink. Mm.

So I had to pay for half of that.

That doesn't seem fair to me.

Does it to you?

Put that way, no.

No, and that's from
a professor, Sean.

Finally, in Boston, in 1773,

a group of colonists
decided they'd had enough.

So when the people in Boston
got angry with the British,

why did they just hold
a prissy tea party

instead of having a proper
fight like British men would?

Why has there always been
this big, cowardly streak

in the Americans,
even to this day?

Well, the only cowardly
streak in that, I suppose,

is that they dressed
themselves up as Indians

and no-one said who
their names were.

But would you voluntarily,
when you didn't have to,

go to jail?

It depends what facilities
they had, I think.

Disrespecting our tea was one thing,

but an even nastier slap
in the t*ts was to come.

In 1776, the leaders
of the 13 colonies

decided that they didn't want
to be called "British" any more,

but Americans.

This straight, white supergroup,
known as the Founding Fathers,

drafted the most famous
break-up text in history -

the Declaration of Independence.

All the men you see
here became idols,

if you're American.

Otherwise,
they're just not all that.

It led to all-out w*r between
American and British.

Because no-one had invented
camouflage yet,

the British troops of the
time wore bright red coats

and were consequently
shot in their thousands

while looking amazing.

This painting depicts one of the
w*r's most pivotal events -

George Washington crossing
the Delaware River.

As you can see, he had to stand up
for the whole journey

because he hadn't reserved a seat.

He didn't fall in, but he also
didn't help with the rowing,

which must've been annoying.

Eventually, Washington won,

becoming America's first president,

the single most revered role
in the world until 2016.

Washington and the other founding
daddies wrote the Constitution,

an instruction manual for their new
country containing some of the most

influential political concepts ever.

I read somewhere that America isn't
just a country, but an idea.

But it is just a country, isn't it?

Well, it was founded under an idea,

so it's organised around, has
always been organised around,

the idea it's a land
of liberty for everyone.

Yeah, but, like, having a sandwich -
that's an idea.

Painting your bicycle blue -
that's an idea.

Going...

That's an idea.

America is just a place.

The American Revolution sent
shock waves around the globe,

not to mention the planet.

It hit especially hard in France,

where the common man, or homme,
had to scrabble about in the muck

while the rich had got so
posh they'd evolved frills.

Soon, the average Jacques
had had enough of their ruler,

King Louis the 16th,

and his identical wives,
Mary and Toinette,

who enjoyed lavish lifestyles

while the poor were forced
to survive on cake.

Finally, in 1789, it exploded
into topless revolution.

The poor toppled the king
and invented a machine

that would rid the world
of royalty forever.

The guillotine was
specifically designed to be

the most humane way
to decapitate someone

in front of a jeering crowd.

You simply fed a royal, head-first,
through the chopping hole here,

then the razor sharp blade
up there would drop down

and slice their head off,
sending it sailing away

from their neck and body.

At that point, they probably
thought they'd escaped,

but any sense of
victory was short-lived

because moments later
they'd land face first

into this horribly coarse
wicker basket.

If you look, there's
no padding in there.

So the fall would have
caused extensive bruising

and maybe even concussion.

I suppose it could've been worse.

They could've made you stick
your head out of a carriage

and driven really
close to a building.

Even so, being guillotined
would have had a huge impact

on anyone,
but especially King Louis.

With his head gone, he could never
breed or wear a crown again,

and was almost
certainly unemployable

in any other line of work.

Perhaps that's why
he chose to withdraw

from public life completely
shortly after it happened.

The French Revolution wasn't
the first time the masses

had risen up against the elite,
and it may not be the last.

A lot of revolutions seem
to be about poor people

overthrowing the rich.

Do you think billionaires,
like Elon Musk,

should be worried about
getting guillotined?

I think that the French Revolution
certainly made a lot of people

who were powerful very, very
worried about their existence.

I suppose Elon Musk
could invent a machine

that chops his own
head off electronically

before the mob arrives.

Ah, you know much more
about this than I do.

I'm just guessing. Yeah.

Soon, France decided it needed
a strong man to take charge

of things, and they got one in
the form of the Emperor Napoleon.

No relation to the Emperor Penguin,

as far as we can
ascertain at this time.

Napoleon did a load of
massive wars on land and sea,

which remain far too expensive
to properly recreate

in historical
documentaries to this day.

LOUD BANGS

Laying sound effects over a
painting of a battle like this

gives some idea of what it
might have been like,

but there was still a
key ingredient missing.

A soundtrack of classical
music was the only thing

that would really bring these
Napoleonic wars to life.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
LOUD BANGS

See! Loads better!

And luckily, classical
music was being perfected

elsewhere in Europe by a
composer called Beethoven.

Did Beethoven have an
actual full-sized horse

living inside his face?

Sorry, I've misphrased that.

I mean, was Beethoven good at music?

Yeah! I mean, he's considered
to be the best composer

of Western classical music ever.

Beethoven wrote that song that goes

"Da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum."

What do those lyrics mean?

Er, well, it's a really
strong orchestral motif.

It's just the word "dum"
over and over again.

Is it a dig at his audience,
or is it German for something?

With the Beethoven symphonic music,
it's all just instruments.

So there are no words
to these pieces at all.

No lyrics? How are we supposed
to know what it's about

if it doesn't have lyrics?

It's literally meaningless.

Despite enjoying great success
with his pointless tunes,

Beethoven faced huge personal
challenges in his career.

Is it true that, in the final
years of his working life,

Beethoven was dead?

Well, he was deaf
for most of his life.

No, dead.

Dead? Yeah.

No...

The producer wrote
it in the notes.

It's definitely here.

Let me see.

"In his later years,
Beethoven was profoundly dead."

Profoundly deaf.

D-E-A—F.

Obviously he went
deaf when he died,

but was he deaf when
he was still alive?

Yes, he was profoundly.

Yeah, he was profoundly.
But not dead?

He wasn't dead...
He wasn't dead.

..when he was alive.
No, no, not.

So how did he write the
music when he was dead?

On the 26th of March, 1827,

Beethoven did roll over

and his genius was
thought to be lost forever.

Until now.

Silicon Valley boffins
have recreated his mind

and installed it into
this smart speaker,

the B8-Hoven Smart Home Plus.

Let's see if it works.

B8-Hoven, compose a new symphony.

Was w*r das?

Compose a new symphony!

Where am I?

What? Just compose your thing.

Mein Gott, it is dark in here!
Why am I speaking English?

I cannot see my legs!
Just...

..play my Friday night playlist.

Playing Friday night playlist.

# Nah, na-na-na-nah...

Why am I doing this?

Mein Gott im Himmel, k*ll me.

# Here comes the hotstepper
m*rder*r

# I'm the lyrical gangster... #

As we've seen, in just
a few hundred years

humankind had undergone a
series of massive cultural

and political revolutions.

Next time, I'll show you
an even bigger revolution.

An Industrial Revolution forged
in steel, steam, sweat,

planes, trains, automobiles
and planes again.

People tried, for years,
to make an aeroplane.

Why were we so interested
in conquering the sky?

There's nothing up there.

There's not even anywhere to sit.