04x09 - Chapter Thirty-Seven

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you were here for the other night ♪

♪ You'd be terrified ♪

♪ You know, I think the lions
you're afraid of were all made up ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Nobody's gonna regret this for you ♪

♪ If it don't make you smile ♪

♪ I'll let your skeletons shake
All evening ♪

♪ And bless your heart for tryin' ♪

♪ Scary watchin' it ♪

♪ Wearin' off of me so fast ♪

♪ Last night, it was fresh ♪

♪ She asked me, "Come back"
And then I said ♪

♪ No problem, I'll send my location ♪

♪ She hit me four times ♪

♪ I was in the whip before I knew it ♪

♪ Don't cry when I feel your frustration ♪

♪ I wanna slow it down ♪

♪ But nobody would be ready if I ♪

♪ Coulda told her
Maybe if you feel out of place ♪

♪ It's because you are ♪

♪ It's because you are ♪

♪ It's because you are ♪

♪ Chippa-cha-cha
Changin' right in front of me ♪

♪ Ch-ch-cha-ch-cha
Changin' right in front of me ♪

♪ Goin' through phases
Right in front of my face ♪

♪ Invitin' me to her place, I said ♪

♪ Chippa-cha-cha
Changin' right in front of me ♪

♪ Ch-ch-cha-ch-cha
Changin' right in front of me ♪

♪ Goin' through phases
Right in front of my face ♪

♪ Invitin' me to her place, I said ♪

♪ No problem, I'll send my location ♪

♪ She hit me four times ♪

♪ I was in the whip before I knew it ♪

♪ Don't cry when I feel your frustration ♪

♪ I coulda told her
Maybe if you feel out of place ♪

♪ It's because you are ♪

♪ It's because you are ♪

♪ It's because you are ♪

[phone ringing]

Ruby, I can't talk.
I'm late for Prom Committee!

- [Ruby] No one cares if you're late.
- I'm running the meeting!

Hurry up and respond
to my text with your choices.

Choices?

Yeah. For my prom look!

- Just go with your gut.
- [sighs]

[Ruby] That's the problem.
Now I'm second-guessing it.

My... my unexpected yet welcome nomination

for prom king
has really thrown me for a loop.

I'll take a look after my meeting.

No, now! I gotta decide now
so they can make alterations.

Or you'll have to buy off the rack
from the young boys' section.

Yes, and the selection is always lacking,

which is why I whittled it down
to only 33 options.

Thirty-three?

Ugh!

[yelling] as*h*le!

With rims to match!

[exhales]

[groans]

Let the meeting commence!

Impress me, people.

Okay, so the theme we love

represents a feeling all students have
as the year comes to a close.

Underwater!

- Underwater.
- Mm-hmm.

That's it? Not even "Under the Sea"?

No, we wanted to subvert the trope.

Oh! By making it depressing. [laughing]

Next!

How about Arabian Nights?

How about culturally insensitive? Next!

Harper, I swear to God,
if you pitch Moulin Rouge one more time...

You guys...

prom is about losing your virginity,

not your creativity.

These ideas are banal and pathetic.

As your class president
and potential prom king,

this night has to be epic!

Magical!

In short, fit for [voice deepens] a king.

[coughs, clears throat]

Prom is the culmination
of our entire high school experience.

- Isn't that graduation?
- Freddie, don't correct me.

As I was saying...
prom is the coup de grâce of high school.

There's even a movie called Prom Night.

Ha!

Is there a movie called Graduation Night?
No!

And you wanna know why?
Because it's not the prom.

- Actually, there's a movie called...
- Freddie, shut it.

The rest of you, keep at it.

We'll reconvene tomorrow
with what I hope...

No.

What I demand... will be an epic theme

that can be ex*cuted quickly,

oh, and on the cheap.

Thoughts?

I'm thinking nobody told me
that being class president

also meant
that I was in charge of Prom Committee.

Yeah, I could have told you.
So, which look?

Instead of worrying about your tux,
worry about who is standing next to it.

- Who are you gonna go with?
- I don't know.

I figured someone might ask me
now that I'm up for prom king.

Oh, quite presumptuous.

You should mitigate the risk

by asking someone
who will definitely say yes.

- Yeah, like who?
- Whew! Therein lies the dilemma.

It could be worse.

Imagine having too many options, like me.

I have so many options,
I don't even know what to do.

Should I start a bracket
or start soliciting applications? Or both?

Oh, I feel for you.

[gasps] Thank you!

Being this loved is rough.

Oh, but anyway, for me,
it's all about the photo.

Who's gonna look deserving

but also not upstage me
when I'm crowned king?

I mean, if I win king.

Why do you even care?
Isn't being president enough?

- No. Who cares about being president?
- Me!

Listen, presidents have terms.

Kings rule forever.

Long live the Jamonarchy!

So should I do dicks or chicks?

- For prom?
- No, for dorms!

Should I do single-sex or coed dorm?

Wait, you are seriously asking me
this question?

You're right. You're right.
Dicks. It's always dicks.

See, there's my girl. Come on. [chuckles]

- So what are you doing about the prom?
- Nothing.

Yeah, girl, I don't got a date either.

Not that I need one, but I am open to one.

Mm-hmm.

But since I'm rolling solo
and you're rolling solo,

let's roll solo together.

[gagging] Oh my God. I sound like you.

Yeah, except for the part
where you are cool about going solo.

Not me.

Without a date, it is just a dance,
and I don't need to go to another one.

Especially if it's not
with someone special.

Okay, I've narrowed it down to two.

Two? I got negative 57.

Oh, I... I'm not talking your problem set.

I'm talking prom,
which is a different set of problems.

Specifically mine.

I've already eliminated three candidates

by cross-referencing
their posted Insta-pics

versus their tagged pics,
so now I'm down to two prospects.

I'm still confused. Prospects?

It's not confusing.

Look, take Sofie Estrada, for example.

In the pics she's posted... amazing.

In the tagged pics...

Ugh! I mean, which Sofie am I getting?

Then there's Corrina, who's adorable,

but looks like me in a wig.

And while initially
I was attracted to that,

I realized I don't think I'm my type.

And Lola.

Lola's perfect.

Except... she blinks.

When did you become so... superficial?

- When it became about the pic.
- Hmm.

- You gotta eliminate the blinkers.
- [scoffs]

You get one shot at a photo
that represents the best we're gonna look,

and if she blinks, it's ruined.

I want a blinger, not a blinker.

Well, you have a 50-50 chance
her eyes will be open.

Yeah, well, I can't risk those odds.

How is calculus coming?

Oh, we're apparently doing
a different kind of math.

Maybe I should consider Sofie. She said
she wanted to wear me like a backpack.

- Maybe I could be part of her prom look.
- Okay, why don't you just ask Jasmine?

We're firmly in the friend zone.
There hasn't been action for months.

So why can't you go with a friend?

Yeah, I mean, friends have fun.

Maybe even more fun. [chuckles]

Friends?

Fun?

No! I wanna get laid.

- Ew!
- Are you cool taking over?

Great! I gotta figure
it out before it's too late.

- Wait. Too late for what?
- To avoid a blinker.

Wow.

I don't get why some overhyped dance
makes everyone crazy.

- [chuckles] Same.
- [chuckles]

You going?

Me neither.

Huh.

So, how are your functions functioning?

Barely. I'm barely passing this class

and wondering if I should spare myself
the humiliation and give up now.

I can't stop thinking,

even if I do graduate...

he's not here to see it.

Well, you're not doing this for him
or anyone else. You're doing this for you.

And Lydia.

Yeah, who's gonna be here any day!

- [chuckles]
- Actually, this morning.

Meet Lydia Diaz.

Oh my God!

Wait, no, she is so beautiful!

She looks just like Oscar.

And she's... never gonna meet him.

Yeah. No, she's not,

but... she will meet her favorite uncle,
who is a high school graduate. Come on.

[chuckles]

[Jamal] What an achievement

in mediocrity! [scoffs]

You guys had all day to think of a theme.

I'm exhausted!

I can't do all the work.
You guys need to participate.

We're not an idea factory like Noel Aroma.

Keep my idol's name out your mouth.

- Now, walk away.
- What?

You're clogging my creative space,
and I need to think. Now walk away.

- Okay.
- In the other direction!

But I live six doors up!

Not today.

[scoffs]

[suspenseful music playing]

[tires squealing]

[brakes squeaking]

[phone ringing]

Hey!

[Jamal] Do you still have access
to that police database?

Well, hello to you too.

I don't have time for niceties.

The prom needs saving,
and a strange car's been lurking.

License plate?

- Nine, Bravo, Delta, Hotel, 237.
- [beep]

Comes back as locked. Probably a douchebag
with a hookup at the DMV.

Or...

Or?

Or it's somebody who doesn't want people
in their biz 'cause their biz is shady.

Maybe it's the person
who sent those anonymous notes.

Well, I thought that was solved
and that Oscar sent them.

- There was no proof, just an assumption.
- You know what assumptions are? Dumb.

Maybe it's Cuchillos's men.
Maybe it's the Prophet$.

Maybe it's the cartel.

Maybe it's me from the future
trying to warn me about me.

What? No, none of the above.

Yeah, you're right.

The possibilities are endless.
I'm not gonna stick around to find out.

Delete this call so they don't know
who you were talking to. Bye.

Ooh. [chuckles nervously]

[whistles, chuckles nervously]

- [gasps]
- [tires squealing]

[brakes screeching]

[tires squealing]

[grunting]

[breathing heavily, huffing]

[breathlessly] The game's afoot.

[breathing heavily]

[Lupe] La primera to getinto college.

I'm so proud of you.

Tía, what's wrong?

Beto and his husband are moving to Dallas.

He got a huge job. [chuckles]

Oh.

Oh no. We're all leaving you.

I'm so sorry, but it'll be okay.
We'll all be back. I promise.

Mija... Beto's not coming back.

Of course he is. You're his mom.

He's not coming back
because I'm going with him.

I'm moving to Dallas.

But... who's gonna take care of Dad?

[sirens blaring]

- [phone buzzing]
- Hey, can I call you back?

- Oh sh*t. I got you at a bad time.
- Yeah, kind of.

Abuelita's in the hospital again.
I just got here.

[sighs] I'm so sorry.

Uh, I'll call you later.

Jasmine?

- I'm not going to Berkeley.
- Wha... They rescinded the offer?

No, my tia's moving to stupid Dallas,
and she's taking my dreams with her.

I gotta watch my dad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No matter how much positive thinking
I put out into the universe,

the universe just won't let me win.

Well, I'm not gonna let you lose.
I'll call you back.

Oh, don't bother.
Nothing more to talk about.

[phone disconnects]

[sirens blaring]

[beeping]

[in Spanish] Damn healer!

Mijo!

Wait, why are you in a cast?

Because of you.
Remember those weights you gave me?

I dropped one.

- Sorry for trying to make you stronger.
- You should be!

Anyway, they were gonna release me,
but said I have a toe fungus infection.

So they're not keeping you
because of... you know...

other things?

I'm fine. I'll be out of here soon.
You have to think positive.

Hmm. Tell that to Jasmine.
She found out she can't go to Berkeley.

- Oh!
- She has to take care of her dad.

[in Spanish] What a pity!

- What are you going to do for her?
- I don't know.

I'm overwhelmed trying to figure out
who I'm gonna take to prom and...

[scoffs]

What are you doing?

The oxygen stopped going to your brain,
or else you'd know your choice is clear.

Jasmine.

No! [scoffs] That's not a good idea.

- We're just friends.
- Mm.

I want a date date.

Ah!

- You want to hit the sweet marmalade?
- Yeah.

Which is why you should ask Jasmine.
You already know she puts out!

- You're right.
- Mmm.

- And we do have fun together.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm sold. Yeah, I'll pick her up a rose
from the gift shop.

And here I thought
you had your abuelo's game!

Mijo, if your abuelo had given me
a cheesy bunch of gift shop flowers,

I would have spit on them,
then spit on him,

and then he would have made things right.

[inhales deeply]

He always knew
exactly how to make things right.

- [moans]
- [monitor beeping accelerates]

Are you okay?

Oh yes! [chuckles]

Good memories. Now.

You only have one more swing
at that beautiful piñata.

You already hit it enough.
I know 'cause I heard.

So ask yourself,

are you that dizzy kid in the corner
swinging at nothing,

or are you a true Martinez man,

ready to unleash her sweet treats?

- I'm gonna release those sweet treats.
- [laughing] Ha ha! Now go get her!

[stammers]

[door closes]

That's the bathroom.

Principal Richardson
needs you in his office.

- Okay.
- [Monse] Now go.

[footsteps receding]

Ah! Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

we interrupt this boring class

for a special presentation

for a very special person.

[students murmuring]

[romantic music playing]

[Ruby] What do I like better
than a Schedule A deduction,

Dwayne's Atomic Fries,
and a classic button-down?

There's only one special thing

or rather... one special person.

Jasmine Flores.

Friend, lover,

sunbather, Police Explorer,
tastiest hamburger.

Yes! You are all of those things
and so much more!

You are my special sauce,

the chamoy in my Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

And on May 15th...

Jasmine, will you go to the prom with me?

♪ ...that you can feel the two of us ♪

No.

[music ends]

[students murmuring]

[Ruby clears throat]

[Ruby whispering]
Wheel me out! Wheel me out!

This caps off the worst senior year ever.

First, I lose the presidency. Twice.
Who loses twice?

Uh, William Jennings Bryan.

That was a rhetorical question.

I mean, then I lose Jasmine,
my dignity, probably prom king.

This year's worse than 2020.

Yeah, it's been pretty rough for you.

I saw your video, Ruby.

Please.
A man can only take so much ridicule.

I was gonna ask
if you wanted to go to the prom together.

Margarita, I don't need your pity.

Ew! Tsk!

Dude, you've been eyeing Margarita
since freshman year.

- Now you neg her?
- I'm not a charity case.

She's feeling you.

Look around.

She's not the only one.

All eyes on you, compa.

- That's 'cause I'm a joke.
- Okay.

Everyone loves the court jester,
but no one wants to smash him.

Well, that's right, ladies.

Jesters can smash!

A Pacoima Penguin Pop?

I don't know what that is, um...

and I don't wanna know.

Please, don't call me again.

[phone disconnects]

Telemarketer?

No, prom.

- My girl getting a lot of interest?
- [chuckles] No. No, but Ruby is.

- Ruby?
- Yeah.

Apparently, he's this year's hot ticket.
Everyone wants to know how to snag him.

Hmm.

- What about you?
- He wishes!

Actually, he doesn't. Thank God.

That's not what I meant. [chuckles]

- Who do you wanna go with?
- No one. [scoffs]

It doesn't matter.

Even if I wanted to go, I'm not going.

- Why?
- No one asked me.

- So?
- [sighs] So?

[scoffs]

It isn't the 1950s.

I didn't think I raised a timid daughter.

[chuckles]

Hey, I'm here. What do you need?

My toe fungus is very aggressive.

Abuelita. I love you and your fungus,
but Daddy's gotta move. Chop-chop.

Cálmate, Jamal!

Jamal can't cálmate,

not when he has a prom to plan,
a queen to find, and eyes on his back.

I'm very confused.

Me too. I don't know who they are
or what this is about.

Okay, spill it, woman!

What do you need me to get
that your family couldn't?

Drugs!

- Aren't they giving you drugs there?
- [scoffs] Not the good kind.

Bring me the stash under my bed.

How? I'm outside!

Look under the pink rock. I hid a key

for Miguel to use when he's in town.

- Who's Miguel?
- Oh! Wait.

Pascual used it,
much like he uses everything and everyone.

You'll have to go through the window.

What? Are you high?

Not yet. That's why
you're going through the window.

Using your thumb and index fingers,

push in the top of the screen.

Then, with your right foot,
lift the screen slowly,

but not too slowly.

[grunts]

- [grunts] It's stuck.
- Ah, you know what?

Just go through the door.

I didn't lock it.

[grunts]

Okay. I'm inside.

About time!

Go under my bed,

move my good chanclas.

Oh. I found it.

- In your monogrammed box, right?
- Don't open it!

- It's cursed.
- Then why do you still have it?

Because if you give away the curse,
it makes it worse.

[shudders]

See my army backpack?

Did you find it?

I think so.

Good!

- [monitor beeping]
- Oh. Gotta go.

They're sucking my blood out.

[phone disconnects]

[Abuelita] Finally!

[inhales deeply]

Ah!

Emerald City!

[squeals] Oh!

Anything you wanna tell me?

You have pretty skin?

You sent the notes.

- Notes?
- Don't play dumb with me, woman.

These were in your room.

Hmm? They're not mine.

Really?

'Cause, uh, they're addressed to you.

[scoffs] Do you know how many
Marisol Martinezes there are?

[sighs]

Fine. They're for my vision board.

Oh, bullshit! You've not come to
one of my vision board parties.

We thought maybe
Oscar sent those notes, but it was you.

Why?

[gasps]

Spill it, or I'm spilling it!

- No!
- Tea!

Ahhh!

Okay, it was me.

Why?

I had to.

[Abuelita sighs]

I've known you all
since you were little traviesos.

I saw you grow up together,
love each other, then you stopped talking.

So, I thought if I create a mystery,
you would start talking again.

- A mystery?
- [chuckles]

This wasn't a mystery.

This was some serial k*ller bullshit.

But it got you all to talk.

See?

I know you.

Does Emerald City work on anxiety?

Oh, no reason to be anxious.
You solved the mystery.

Then why is a car tailing me?

Is it Cuchillos's men or... or the cops?

Definitely not the cops. I talked to them.

But Cuchillos's men,
that's a different story.

Bedtime or horror?

Oh, neither! It's not them.

If it was them,
they'd have k*lled you by now.

That's strangely not very comforting.

You're fine.

It's just a natural reflex
for you to see things,

but there's nothing to see.

It's all up here.

Should we be doing this
close to the oxygen?

No.

[Ruby] Come in.

Oh, sorry.

[Jasmine] What happened?

I don't know.

I guess girls just... love love.

All girls, except you.

- I'm sorry. That didn't come out right.
- Ruby, I do love love.

And your promposal was the sweetest thing
anybody has ever done for me.

Okay. Then please explain
the negation of my invitation.

- [stammering]
- [doorbell ringing]

Hold on.

Lila in your physics class wants to know,
"Will you gravitate to prom with her?"

Thank you.

Lila's witty.

Hmm. If you say so.
I thought it was pretty base.

- Please don't rain on my parade.
- I'm sorry.

I'm just in a terrible place right now,
and I... I'm angry,

and I'm pissed at the universe,
and I would be a really shitty date.

The last thing I wanna do
is ruin prom for you.

[doorbell ringing]

[Ruby grunts]

Hi.

- Thank you.
- [door closes]

Jasmine, you don't have to apologize.

Ruby, I just feel like I'm all bad luck.

You're not bad luck!

Then why is all this sh*t happening to me?

Maybe it's not even the universe.
Maybe it's just me.

That's not true.

- [doorbell ringing]
- Ugh!

No, thank you.

[Ruby exhales]

You see, a wise person once said to me,
bad things happen to good people.

But taking care of my dad
is not a bad thing.

- It's not.
- I need to take care of him.

I wanna take care of him
because I'm best at taking care of him.

Like he was once the best
at taking care of me.

You are wise.

I mean, I did get into Berkeley.

And I'm wise enough
to know it doesn't matter where I go.

I'mma crush it wherever I am.

- Yeah, it's already happening.
- Yes, it is.

- Will you go to prom with me?
- [doorbell ringing]

Really? That's how you're gonna do it?

[doorbell ringing]

Take two.

Ruben Martinez,

will you go to prom with me?

Is there chamoy?

Like I'd forget.

It's a date.

Hello?

Hi.

Hi.

Um...

I should have called first. I'm sorry.

- I'll go.
- Hey, no, wait. Um...

These are for you.

I was hoping to surprise you, so...

surprise.

[both laughing]

- Well, what are these for?
- To thank you.

I aced my calculus test.

You're graduating?

I knew it! [chuckles]

I knew you'd do it!

You did. From day one,
you knew that my life was gonna be more.

Now it is.

I mean, I haven't felt this excited
about life in, like...

ever.

Well, seeing you happy
makes me so happy. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

You okay?

Your heart's racing.

Yeah, I'm nervous.

Why?

Because of what I'm thinking.

What are you thinking?

[chuckles]

[chuckles] Sorry. Sorry.
I am such a dork. Um...

I was so nervous coming over,

and then I saw you and the flowers, and...

I mean, my heart sunk.

You see, I was thinking about prom
and how I didn't wanna go,

but... truth is, I do. [chuckles]

I do wanna go.

I just don't wanna go
if it's not with you.

So, Cesar, will you go to prom with me?

I'm sorry.

I'm going with Vero.

[sighs] She already asked.

I think you were right.

I was overreacting to that car,

and I also can't feel my feet.

You can feel mine if you like.

Oh! I'm not that high.

I have to make pee-pee.

Oh, cue my exit.

Bedpan.

Hmm?

It's on your head.

- Ah!
- [Abuelita laughing]

Woman!

- Why didn't you say something earlier?
- I don't know what you're into. Sorry.

Ugh!

And I'm sorry my note scared you.

[sighs]

Am I still your favorite abuelita?

Hmm...

[lips smack] Yes. [chuckles]

Always.

And my other two are dead. Pfft!

♪ They be going going crazy ♪

♪ Going crazy night long ♪

♪ g*nshots running low ♪

♪ Nine cars in a row ♪

♪ Po pulling on the door ♪

♪ I live my life on the run ♪

♪ I live my life on the run ♪

♪ Don't know what I'm running from ♪

♪ So I live my life on the run ♪

♪ Stack couple duffles with bands ♪

♪ Getaway hop in my Benz ♪

♪ Too many deads in my hands ♪

♪ 20 to life is the sentence ♪

♪ Jumped in a life full sin ♪

♪ Living a life of concern ♪

♪ Light it hit it watch it burn ♪

♪ Some of you might understand ♪

♪ I guess you live and you learn ♪

♪ I guess you live and you ooh ♪

♪ What you know 'bout my wild lifestyle? ♪

♪ What you know? ♪

♪ They be going going crazy ♪

♪ Going crazy night long ♪

♪ g*nshots running low ♪

♪ Nine cars in a row ♪

♪ Po pulling on the door ♪

♪ I live my life on the run ♪

♪ I live my life on the run ♪