Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The (1975)

[bunniefuu]

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score: lush, romantic]

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drags to a stop]

♪♪ [brass combo: latin,
upbeat] [people laughing, hooting]

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♪♪ [ends] [all] ¡ole!

[sound of hoofbeats]

[sound of hoofbeats
approaching closer]

[Coconuts clacking together
imitating sound of hoofbeats]

Whoa there! [Clacking stops]

[Clacking continues]

[man] halt!

Who goes there?

It is i, arthur, son of uther
pendragon, from the castle of camelot.

King of the britons.
Defeater of the saxons.

Sovereign of all england.

- Pull the other one.
- I am.

And this is my
trusty servant patsy.

We have ridden the length
and breadth of the land...

In search of knights who will
join me in my court at camelot.

I must speak with
your lord and master.

- What, ridden on a horse?
- Yes.

- You're using coconuts.
- What?

you've got two empty halves of
coconut, and you're bangin' 'em together!

So? We have ridden since the
snows of winter covered this land.

- Through the kingdom of mercia. Through...
- Where'd you get the coconuts?

We found them.

found them? In mercia?
The coconut's tropical!

- What do you mean?
- Well, this is
a temperate zone.

The swallow may fly
south with the sun,

Or the house martin or the plover
may seek warmer climes in winter,

Yet these are not
strangers to our land.

Are you suggestin'
coconuts migrate?

Not at all. They
could be carried.

what, a swallow
carryin' a coconut?

It could grip it by the husk.

It's not a question
of where he grips it.

it's a simple question
of weight ratios!

a five-ounce bird could not
carry a one-pound coconut!

Well, it doesn't matter!

Go and tell your master that arthur
from the court of camelot is here!

Listen, in order to
maintain airspeed velocity...

a swallow needs to beat its
wings 43 times every second.

- Right?
- Please!

am I right? I am not interested.

[Guard #2] it could be carried
by an african swallow.

[guard #1] oh, yeah, an
african swallow, maybe,

but not a european swallow.

That's my point. Oh,
yeah. I agree with that.

Will you ask your master if he
wants to join my court at camelot?

But then, of course, african
swallows are nonmigratory.

[guard #2] oh, yeah. So they couldn't
bring a coconut back anyway.

[guard #2] wait! Supposing two
swallows carried it together!

[Guard #1] no, they'd
have to have it on a line.

simple! They'd just
use a strand of crepon.

What, held under the dorsal
guiding feathers? well, why not?

[people moaning] [bell clanging]

[man] bring out your dead!

[weeping, moaning continues]
[bell continues clanging]

Bring out your dead!

[Clang] bring out your dead!

[Clang] bring out your dead!

[clang] bring out your dead!

[Coughing] [clang]

bring out your
dead! [whimpering]

[clang] [muttering, grunting]

Bring out your dead!

[Clang] [groans]

Bring out your dead!

Ninepence.

[Clang] bring out your dead!

[Men groaning]

[Clang] bring out your dead!

[Clang]

[cat yowls] bring out your dead!

[Cat yowls] [clang]

Bring out your dead! Here's one.

Ninepence. I'm not dead.

What? Nothing.
Here's your ninepence.

I'm not dead! Here.

He says he's not dead.

Yes, he is. I'm not! He isn't?

Well, he will be soon. He's
very ill. I'm getting better.

No, you're not. You'll be stone dead
in a moment. I can't take him like that.

It's against regulations. I
don't want to go on the cart!

Don't be such a baby. I
can't take him. I feel fine.

Do us a favor. I can't!

Can you hang around a couple
of minutes? He won't be long.

No, I've got to go to the
robinsons. They've lost nine today.

Well, when's your
next round? Thursday.

I think I'll go for a walk.
You're not fooling anyone.

Look, isn't there something
you can do? I feel happy!

I feel happy...

[Groans] ah, thanks very much.

Not at all. See you on
thursday. Right. All right.

[coconuts clacking]

Who's that, then? I don't know.

Must be a king. Why?

He hasn't got sh*t all over him.

Old woman! Man!

Man. Sorry. What knight
lives in that castle over there?

I'm 37. What?

I'm 37. I'm not old.

Well, I can't just call you "man."
Well, you could say "dennis."

I didn't know you
were called dennis.

Well, you didn't bother
to find out, did you?

I did say "sorry" about the old
woman, but from behind you looked...

What I object to is you
automatically treat me like an inferior.

Well, i am king. Oh,
"king," eh? Very nice.

And how'd you get that, eh?
By exploiting the workers.

By hanging on to outdated
imperialist dogma...

Which perpetuates the economic
and social differences in our society.

If there's ever gonna
be any progress...

Dennis, there's some
lovely filth down here... Oh.

How do you do? [arthur]
how do you do, good lady?

I am arthur, king of the
britons. Whose castle is that?

- King of the who?
- The britons.

- Who are the britons?
- We are all britons,
and I am your king.

I didn't know we had a king. I thought
we were an autonomous collective.

You're fooling yourself.
We're living in a dictatorship.

A self-perpetuating autocracy
in which the working classes...

Oh, there you go
bringing class into it again.

That's what it's all about! If only
people would reali... Please, good people!

I am in haste. Who
lives in that castle?

No one lives there.

- Then who is your lord?
- We don't have a lord.

- What?
- I told you, we're an
anarcho-syndicalist commune.

We take it in turns to act as a sort
of executive officer for the week.

- Yes.
- But all the decisions of that
officer have to be ratified...

at a special biweekly
meeting... yes, I see.

- By a simple majority in purely
internal affairs, - be quiet.

But by a two-thirds
majority in the case of more...

I order you to be quiet!

"Order," eh? Who does he
think he is? I am your king.

Well, I didn't vote for you.
You don't vote for kings.

How'd you become king, then?

The lady of the lake,

Her arm clad in the
purest shimmering samite,

Held aloft excalibur from
the bosom of the water,

Signifying by
divine providence...

That i, arthur, was
to carry excalibur.

that is why I am your king.

Listen, strange women lying
in ponds distributing swords...

Is no basis for a
system of government.

Supreme executive power derives
from a mandate from the masses,

Not from some farcical
aquatic ceremony.

- Be quiet!
- You can't expect to wield
supreme executive power...

Just 'cause some watery
tart threw a sword at you!

- Shut up!
- If I went 'round
saying I was an emperor...

just because some moistened
bint had lobbed a scimitar at me,

They'd put me away!

Will you shut up! Ah, now we see
the violence inherent in the system.

Shut up! Come and see the
violence inherent in the system!

Help! Help! I'm bein'
repressed! Bloody peasant!

Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear
that, eh? That's what I'm on about.

Did you see him repressing
me? You saw it, didn't you?

[Shouting, grunting]

[Shouting, grunting]

[Shouting, grunting continue]

Oooh! Aaah!

Aaah! [Groans]

aaah! Aaaaah!

[body falls]

You fight with the strength
of many men, sir knight.

I am arthur, king
of the britons.

I seek the finest and bravest knights in
the land to join me in my court at camelot.

You have proved yourself worthy.

Will you join me?

You make me sad. So be it.

Come, patsy.

None shall pass. What?

None shall pass.

I have no quarrel with you, good
sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

Then you shall die.

I command you, as king of
the britons, to stand aside!

I move...

For no man.

So be it!

Now stand aside,
worthy adversary.

'Tis but a scratch.

A scratch? Your
arm's off! No, it isn't.

Well, what's that then?

I've had worse. You liar!

Come on, you p*nsy!

Hyah! [Shouting]

Victory is mine!

We thank thee, lord,
that in thy mercy...

Hah! Come on, then! What?

Have at you! [Grunting]

You are indeed brave, sir
knight, but the fight is mine.

Oh! Had enough, eh?

Look, you stupid b*stard,
you've got no arms left!

Yes, I have. Look!

It's just a flesh wound.

Look, stop that!
Chicken. Chicken!

I'll have your leg.

Right!

Right! I'll do you for that!

You'll what? Come here!

What are you gonna
do, bleed on me?

I'm invincible! You're a loony.

The black knight
always triumphs!

Have at you! Come on, then.

Wha...

All right, we'll call it a draw.

come, patsy!

Oh, I see. Running away, eh?

You yellow b*stards! Come back
here and take what's coming to you!

I'll bite your legs off!

♪♪ [Monks: latin
canon] [bell tolling]

♪♪

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

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♪♪ [Continues]

[crowd shouting] a witch! A
witch! A witch! ♪♪ [continues]

A witch! A witch!
We found a witch!

[Crowd continues shouting]
a witch! A witch!

We've got a witch! A
witch! We've got a witch!

Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!

we've found a witch!
We've found a witch!

A witch! A witch! A witch!

We have found a
witch! May we burn her?

[Crowd] burn her! Burn her!

How do you know she is a
witch? She looks like one!

[Shouting affirmations]

Bring her forward.

I'm not a witch.
I'm not a witch.

But you are dressed as one.

They dressed me up
like this. No! We didn't!

And this isn't my
nose. It's a false one.

Well? Well, we did do the nose.

The nose? And the hat.

But she is a witch. Yeah!
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!

- Did you dress her up
like this?
- No!

No! No! No!

Yes. Yes. Yeah, a bit.

A bit. A bit. She
has got a wart.

What makes you
think she is a witch?

Well, she turned me into a newt!

A newt?

I got better.

Burn her anyway!

Burn her! Burn her!
Crackle, crackle!

[Shouting continues]
quiet. Quiet.

Quiet! Quiet!

There are ways of telling
whether she is a witch.

Are there? What are they?

Tell us! Tell us! Do they hurt?

Tell me, what do
you do with witches?

Burn them! Burn them up! Burn!

And what do you burn,
apart from witches?

More witches! Shh!

Wood!

So, why do witches burn?

B...

- 'Cause they're
made of w... Wood?
- Good!

Oh, yeah. [Murmuring]

So, how do we tell
whether she is made of wood?

Build a bridge out of her!

Ah, but can you not also
make bridges out of stone?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. True. Uh...

does wood sink in water?

No, no. No, it
floats! It floats!

Throw her into
the pond! [All shouting]

What also floats in water?

Bread! Apples!

Uh, very small rocks.

- cider! Cherries!
- uh, gra... Gravy! Mud!

- Churches! Churches!
- lead! Lead!

- A duck!
- [Crowd gasps, murmurs]

Exactly!

So, logically...

If... She...

Weighs... The same as a duck...

She's made of wood!

And therefore?

- A witch!
- [all] a witch! A witch!

[Shouting continues]

Here's a duck! [Quacking]

Very good. We shall
use my largest scales.

[Shouting continues]

Burn! Burn the witch!

Burn her! Burn the witch!

Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!

Burn her! Burn her!

Burn her! Burn her!

[man grunts]

right! Remove the supports!

A witch! A witch!

It's a fair cop.

Burn her!

[Crowd continues shouting]
burn her! Burn her!

Who are you, who are so
wise in the ways of science?

I am arthur, king
of the britons.

My liege!

Good sir knight, will you
come with me to camelot...

And join us at the round table?

My liege, I would be honored!

What is your name?
Bedevere, my liege.

Then I dub you sir bedevere,

Knight of the round table.

[narrator] the wise
sir bedevere...

was the first to join
king arthur's knights.

but other illustrious
names were soon to follow:

sir launcelot the brave;

sir galahad the pure;

and sir robin the
not-quite-so-brave-as-sir-launcelot,

who had nearly fought
the dragon of angnor,

who had nearly stood up to
the vicious chicken of bristol...

and who had personally wet
himself at the battle of badon hill;

and the aptly named sir
not-appearing-in-this-film.

together they formed a
band whose names and deeds...

were to be retold
throughout the centuries.

the knights of the round table.

And that, my liege, is how we
know the earth to be banana-shaped.

This new learning
amazes me, sir bedevere.

Explain again how sheeps' bladders
may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Oh. Certainly,
sir. Look, my liege!

♪♪ [fanfare]

- Camelot.
- Camelot.
- Camelot.

- It's only a model.
- Shh.

Knights, I bid you
welcome to your new home.

Let us ride to camelot!

♪♪

♪ We're knights of
the round table ♪

♪ We dance when
e'er we're able ♪

♪ We do routines
and chorus scenes ♪

♪ With footwork impeccable ♪

♪ We dine well here in camelot ♪

♪ We eat ham and
jam and spam a lot ♪

♪♪

♪ We're knights of
the round table ♪

♪ Our shows are formidable ♪

♪ But many times
we're given rhymes ♪

♪ That are quite unsingable ♪

♪ We're opera mad in camelot ♪

♪ We sing from the
diaphragm a lot ♪

♪♪

♪♪
[Clapping along]

♪♪

- ♪ In w*r
we're tough and able ♪
- [squawks]

♪ Quite indefatigable ♪

♪ Between our quests
we sequin vests ♪

♪ And impersonate clark gable ♪

♪ It's a busy life in camelot ♪

[Solo] ♪ I have to push
the pram a lot ♪♪

♪♪ [ends]

On second thought, let's not
go to camelot. It is a silly place.

Right. Right.

[thunder rumbling]

[bellowing voice]
arthur. Arthur!

King of the britons.

Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing
I can't stand, it's people groveling!

Sorry. and don't apologize!

Every time I try to talk to someone
it's "sorry" this and "forgive me" that...

And "I'm not worthy."

what are you doing now?
I'm averting my eyes, o lord.

well, don't! It's like those miserable
psalms. They're so depressing.

- Now knock it off!
- Yes, lord!

Arthur, king of the britons,

Your knights of the round
table shall have a task...

To make them an example
in these dark times.

- Good idea, o lord.
- Of course it's a good idea!

Behold, arthur.
This is the holy grail.

look well, arthur, for it is your
sacred task to seek this grail.

That is your purpose, arthur:

The quest for the holy grail.

[Slams]

A blessing! A blessing
from the lord!

God be praised!

♪♪

♪♪
Aaah!

♪♪

♪♪

Halt!

♪♪ [Single note, strangulated]

Hello!

Hello!

[In exaggerated french
accent] hello? Who is it?

It is king arthur, and these are
my knights of the round table.

Whose castle is this?

This is the castle of my
master, guy di loimbard.

Go and tell your master that
we have been charged by god...

With a sacred quest.

if he will give us food
and shelter for the night,

He can join us in our
quest for the holy grail.

Well, I'll ask him, but I don't
think he'll be very keen.

Uh, he's already
got one, you see.

What?

He says they've already got one.

Are you sure he's got one?

Oh, yes! It's very nice!

I told them we already got one.

[Snickering]

Well, uh... Can we come
up and have a look?

Of course not! You
are english types.

- Well, what are you, then?
- I'm french!

Why do you think I have this
outrageous accent, you silly king?

- What are you doing
in england?
- Mind your own business!

If you will not
show us the grail,

We shall take your
castle by force!

You don't frighten
us, english pig-dogs!

Go and boil your bottoms,
sons of a silly person!

I blow my nose at you,
so-called arthur king!

you and all your
silly english...

"Kn... Iggits."

[Blowing raspberry]

What a strange person.

Now look here, my good man...

I don't wanna talk
to you no more,

You empty-headed
animal food trough wiper!

i fart in your
general direction!

Your mother was a hamster,

And your father
smelt of elderberries!

Is there someone else
up there we could talk to?

No! Now go away, or I shall
taunt you a second time! [Sniffs]

This is your last chance. I've
been more than reasonable.

"fetchez" la vache. Quoi?

"fetchez" la vache!

[Moos]

If you do not agree to
my commands, then I shall...

- [Mooing]
- jesus christ!

- Christ! - Ohh! [Groaning]

Right. Charge!

[All shouting] charge!

[Baaing, clucking, quacking]
[shouting continues]

- Charge!
- This one is for your mother!

- [Quacking, clucking]
- [screaming, groaning]

- [Muttering]
- run away!

[All shouting] run
away! Run away!

- Run away! Run away!
- [Blowing raspberry]

[shouting, groaning continue]

Filthy fiends. I'll tear
them apart. No, no! No, no!

Sir. I have a plan, sir.

[sawing sound]

[sawing sound continues]

[lumber crashing]

[silence]

[loud crash] [cat yowls]

[hammering] [loud squeaking]

[creaking] [chain saw
motor starting, revving]

[table saw whirring]

[loud crash]

[silence]

[hammer hitting
anvil] [metal clattering]

[squeaking] [rumbling]

[Wheel squeaking]

[rumbling growing louder]

[soldier speaking french] quoi?

[soldier] un cadeau! what?

a present. Oh! un cadeau!

Oui, oui! hurry! What?

let's go. Oh.

[Murmuring in french]

[Grunting]

[gate closes]

What happens now?

Well, now launcelot,
galahad and i...

Wait until nightfall...

And then leap out of the rabbit,

Taking the french by surprise.

And not only by surprise,
but totally unarmed!

Who leaps out?

Uh, launcelot, galahad and i,

Uh, leap out of
the rabbit and, uh...

Ohh.

Oh.

Um, l-look, i-i-if we built
this large, wooden badger...

[catapult launching]

- Run away!
- Run away! Run away!

run away! Run away! Run away!

[Arthur] run away!

[Whimpering, shouting]

[man] feature for schools.
Take eight. [Director] action!

Defeat at the castle seems to have
utterly disheartened king arthur.

The ferocity of the
french taunting...

Took him completely
by surprise...

And arthur became convinced
that a new strategy was required...

If the quest for the holy grail were to
be brought to a successful conclusion.

Arthur, having consulted
his closest knights,

Decided that they
should separate...

And search for the
grail individually.

[hoofbeats] now, this
is what they did...

- [Horseman shouts]
- [horse snorting]

Frank!

[narrator] the
tale of sir robin.

so, each of the knights
went their separate ways.

sir robin rode north through
the dark forest of ewing,

accompanied by his
favorite minstrels.

♪ Bravely, bold sir robin
rode forth from camelot ♪

♪ He was not afraid to die ♪

♪ O brave sir robin ♪

♪ He was not at all afraid
to be k*lled in nasty ways ♪

♪ Brave, brave, brave
brave sir robin ♪

♪ he was not in the
least bit scared ♪

♪ To be mashed into a pulp ♪

♪ Or to have his
eyes gouged out ♪

♪ And his elbows broken ♪

♪ To have his kneecaps split ♪

♪ And his body burned away ♪

♪ And his limbs all
hacked and mangled ♪

♪ Brave sir robin ♪

♪ His head smashed in
and his heart cut out ♪

♪ And his liver removed
and his bowels unplugged ♪

♪ And his nostrils r*ped
and his bottom burnt off ♪

♪ And his p*nis...
♪♪ That... That, uh...

That's enough music
for now, lads. [Chuckles]

Looks like there's
dirty work afoot.

[dennis] anarcho-syndicalist...

Is a way of preserving freedom.

Oh, dennis, forget
about freedom!

And don't drop that mud!

[echoing] halt! Who art thou?

♪ He is brave sir robin ♪

♪ Brave sir robin
who... ♪♪ Shut up!

Um, n-n-nobody, really.

I j-j-just, um... Just passing
through. What do you want?

♪ To fight and... ♪♪
Shut up!

Um, oh, nothing.
Nothing, really.

I, uh... J-j-just to, um... Just to
p-p-pass through, good sir knight.

- I'm afraid not!
- Ah.

W-well, actually, i... I am a
knight of the round table.

- You're a knight
of the round table?
- I am.

In that case, I shall
have to k*ll you. Shall i?

I don't think so.
Well, what do i think?

- I think k*ll him.
- let's be nice to him.

- Oh, shut up!
- Perhaps i... - And you!

Oh, quick, get the sword out. I want to
cut his head off. Cut your own head off!

[head #2] yes, do us all
a favor! [Head #1] what?

Yappin' on all the time.

You're lucky. You're not
next to him. What do you mean?

You snore! Ooh, I don't!

Anyway, you've got bad breath.

well, it's only 'cause
you don't brush my teeth!

Oh, stop bitching and let's
have tea! All right, all right.

We'll k*ll him first, and then
have tea and biscuits. Yes.

Not biscuits. All right,
all right, not biscuits.

But let's k*ll him
anyway! [Together] right!

He's buggered off! So
he has! He's scarpered!

♪ Brave sir robin ran away ♪ no!

♪ Bravely ran away away ♪

I didn't!

♪ When danger
reared its ugly head ♪

♪ He bravely turned
his tail and fled ♪ no!

♪ Yes, brave sir robin
turned about ♪ i didn't!

♪ And gallantly
he chickened out ♪

♪ Bravely taking to
his feet ♪ i never did!

♪ He beat a very brave
retreat ♪ all lies!

♪ Bravest of the brave
sir robin ♪♪ i never!

♪♪ [singers: latin canon]

♪♪

H-h-hey, ohh! Hey!

♪♪ [continues] whoa-h*-h*-h*!

♪♪
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hoo!

♪♪
Hey! Whee! Whee!

[Whispering] forgive
me, for I have sinned.

Ohh!

[Priest] oh!

[narrator] the tale
of sir galahad.

[thunder crashing, wind howling]

[animal howls]

[animal howls]

[thunder continues rumbling]
♪♪ [chorus: triumphant]

[Gasps]

[animal howls] [thunder
continues rumbling]

[howling continues]

Open the door!

Open the door!

In the name of king
arthur, open the door!

[Hinges creaking]

[Panting]

[door slams] [women] hello.

Welcome, gentle sir knight.

Welcome to the castle anthrax.

The castle anthrax?

Yes. It's not a very
good name, is it?

Oh, but we are nice, and we will
attend to your every, every need.

You are the keepers
of the holy grail?

- The what?
- The grail. It is here?

Oh, but you are tired
and you must rest a while.

m*dget. Crapper.
[Together] yes, o zoot?

prepare a bed for our guest.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

Away! Away, varletesses.

the beds here are
warm and soft...

And very, very big.

Well, look, i-i... What is
your name, handsome knight?

Uh, sir galahad the chaste.

[Gasps] mine is zoot.

Just zoot.

Oh, but come. No, please.

In god's name,
show me the grail.

Oh, you have suffered
much. You are delirious.

No, look, I have seen
it! It is here! Sir galahad.

You would not be so ungallant
as to refuse our hospitality.

Well, i-i, uh... Oh.

I'm afraid our life must
seem very dull and quiet...

Compared to yours.

We are but eightscore
young blondes and brunettes,

All between 16
and 19-and-a-half,

Cut off in this castle
with no one to protect us.

Oh, it is a lonely life.

Bathing, dressing,

Undressing, making
exciting underwear.

We are just not used
to handsome knights.

Nay, nay. Come, come.
You may lie here.

Oh, but you are wounded!

No, no. It's nothing.

You must see the
doctors immediately.

No, no, please. Lie down.

Well, what seems
to be the trouble?

They're doctors?

Uh, they have a basic
medical training, yes.

Oh, come, come. You
must try to rest.

Dr. Piglet, dr. Winston,
practice your art.

Try to relax. Are you sure
that's absolutely necessary?

We must examine you.

- There's nothing wrong
with that!
- Please. We are doctors.

No! This cannot be!

I am sworn to chastity.
Back to your bed at once.

Torment me no longer.
I have seen the grail.

There's no grail here. I
have seen it! I have seen it!

I have seen... [women] hello!

Oh.

Hello. Hello!

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello!

Hello.

Hello.

Zoot! No.

I am zoot's identical
twin sister dingo.

Oh. Well, excuse me...
Where are you going?

I seek the grail! I have
seen it here in this castle!

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Bad, bad zoot. W-what is it?

Oh, wicked, bad, naughty zoot.

She has been setting
a light to our beacon,

Which, I've just
remembered, is grail-shaped.

It's not the first time we've had
this problem. It's not the real grail?

Oh, wicked, bad,
naughty, evil zoot!

Oh, she is a bad person
and must pay the penalty.

Do you think this scene should
have been cut? We were so worried...

When the boys were writing
it... But now, we're glad!

It's better than some of
the previous scenes, I think.

- At least ours
was better visually.
- At least ours was committed.

- It wasn't just a string
of p*ssy jokes.
- Get on with it!

- Yes! Get on with it!
- [All] yes! Get on with it!

- Oh, I am enjoying this scene!
- Get on with it!

[Sighs]

Oh! Wicked, wicked zoot!

She must pay the penalty.

And here in castle anthrax...

We have but one punishment for
setting alight the grail-shaped beacon:

You must tie her down
on a bed and spank her.

[All] a spanking! A spanking!

You must spank her well. After you have
spanked her, deal with her as you like.

And then... Spank me.

And spank me. and me. and me!

Yes, you must give us
all a good spanking!

[All] a spanking! A spanking!
He's going to give us a spanking!

And after the
spanking, the oral sex.

[All] oooh, the oral
sex! The oral sex!

Well, I could stay a bit longer.

sir galahad! oh, hello.

Quick! Quick! You're in
great peril! No, he isn't!

Silence, foul temptress!
No, no! She's got the point!

Come on! We will cover
your escape! No, I'm fine!

- [Dingo] sir galahad!
- I can tackle this lot
single-handed.

Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!
[Women shouting affirmations]

No, sir galahad! Come!

No, really. I can handle
this lot easily. Oh, yes!

Let him handle us
easily! [Shouting affirmations]

Wait! Wait! I can defeat
them! There's only 150 of them!

Yes, yes! He'll beat us easily!

We haven't a chance! We haven't
a chance! We haven't a chance!

[door opens, slams closed]

Oh, sh*t.

We were in the nick of time. You
were in great peril. I don't think I was.

You were in terrible peril. Look, let
me go back there and face the peril.

No. It's too perilous.

My duty as a knight is to
sample as much peril as I can.

We've gotta find the grail. Let
me have just a little bit of peril.

No. It's unhealthy.
I bet you're g*y.

[Launcelot] no, I'm not.

[narrator] sir launcelot
had saved sir galahad...

from almost certain temptation,

but they were still
no nearer the grail.

meanwhile, king arthur and sir bedevere,
not more than a swallow's flight away,

had discovered something.

that's an unladen
swallow's flight, obviously.

i mean, they were more than
two laden swallows' flights away.

four, really, if they had a
coconut on a line between them.

- I mean, if the birds were walking...
- [shouting] get on with it!

oh, anyway, on to scene 24, which is a
smashing scene with some lovely acting,

in which arthur
discovers a vital clue...

and in which there aren't any swallows,
though I think you can hear a starling...

[scuffling, narrator chokes]

[Cackling] and this enchanter
of whom you speak,

He has seen the grail?

[Continues cackling]

Where does he live? Old
man, where does he live?

[Continues cackling]
he knows of a cave,

A cave which no man has entered.

And the grail...
The grail is there?

There is much danger,

For beyond the cave lies
the gorge of eternal peril,

Which no man has ever crossed.

But the grail!
Where is the grail?

Seek you the bridge of death!

The bridge of death,
which leads to the grail?

[cackling continues, faint]

[coconuts clacking]

[twig snaps]

[twig snaps]

[twig snaps]

- Ni!
- [others responding] ni! Ni! Ni!

Who are you?

We are the knights
who say... "Ni"!

- Not the knights who say "ni."
- The same!

[bedevere] who are thee?

We are the keepers
of the sacred words:

"Ni," "peng" and "nee-wom"!

[Knight repeating] nee-wom!

Those who hear them
seldom live to tell the tale.

The knights who say
"ni" demand a sacrifice.

We are but simple travelers who seek the
enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

- Ni! Ni!
- [Knights repeating] ni! Ni! Ni!

- Oww! Oww! Oww!
- Ni! Ni!

- ni! Ni! Ni!
- ni!

we shall say
"ni" again to you...

If you do not appease us.

- Well, what is it you want?
- We want...

A shrubbery!

♪♪ [loud, dramatic
chord] a what?

- Ni! Ni! Ni!
- Aaah! No! Please!

Please, no more! We
will find you a shrubbery.

You must return
here with a shrubbery,

Or else you will never
pass through this wood...

Alive!

O knights of ni, you are just and
fair. We will return with a shrubbery.

- One that looks nice.
- Of course.

- And not too expensive.
- Yes.

Now... Go!

♪♪ [Humming]

[thud] ohh! Hey! God...

Mmph! [Muttering] [thud]

[Muttering continues]
[thudding continues]

ohh! [Crash]

[Muttering continues]

Ay-yup! Ay-yup!

Ay-yup!

Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!

Go on! Clear off!
Go on! Go away!

Go aw... Go away!

And you. Clear off!

[Sun muttering, whimpering]

[bell tolling] hmph.
Bloody weather.

[narrator] the tale
of sir launcelot.

One day, lad, all
this will be yours.

What, the curtains?
No, not the curtains, lad.

All that you can see, stretched out
over the hills and valleys of this land.

This'll be your kingdom, lad.

But, mother...
Father, lad. Father.

But, father, I don't
want any of that.

Listen, lad, I built this
kingdom up from nothing.

When I started here
all there was was swamp.

All the kings said I was daft
to build a castle in a swamp,

But I built it all the
same, just to show 'em.

It sank into the swamp.
so... I built a second one.

that sank into the swamp.
So I built a third one.

That burned down, fell
over, then sank into the swamp!

But the fourth one stayed up!

And that's what
you're gonna get, lad.

The strongest
castle in these islands.

but I don't want any of that.

- I'd rather...
- Rather what?

I'd rather... Just... ♪♪
[lush orchestral accompaniment]

♪♪
Sing!

♪♪ [drags to a stop] stop that! You're
not going into a song while I'm here.

In 20 minutes you're getting
married to a girl whose father...

Owns the biggest tracts
of open land in britain.

But I don't want land.

Listen, alice... Herbert.

Herbert. We live
in a bloody swamp.

We need all the land we can get!

But I don't like her.

Don't like her? What's
wrong with her?

She's beautiful. She's rich.

She's got huge...

Tracts of land!

I-i know, but I want the
girl that I marry to have...

♪♪ [accompaniment resumes] a
certain special... Something.

Cut that out! Cut that
out! ♪♪ [drags to a stop]

Look, you're marryin'
princess lucky,

So you'd better
get used to the idea.

Guards!

Make sure the prince doesn't leave
this room until I come and get him.

Not to leave the room, even
if you come and get him. [Hiccup]

No, no. until I
come and get him.

Until you come and get him,
we're not to enter the room.

No, no, no. You stay in the room
and make sure he doesn't leave.

And you'll come and
get him. [Hiccup] right.

We don't need to do anything apart
from just stop him entering the room.

No, no. leaving the room.

Leaving the room,
yes. All right?

Right. [Hiccup]

Oh, i-i-if, uh... I-i-f, eh...
I-if we... Yes? What is it?

I-if... Oh. Look,
it's quite simple.

You just stay here and make
sure he doesn't leave the room.

All right? [Hiccup]

Oh, I remember. Uh, can
he leave the room with us?

N-no, no. No. You just keep
him in here and make sure...

Oh, yes! We'll keep
him in here, obviously.

But if he had to leave
and we were with him...

No, just keep him in here...
Until you or anyone else...

Not anyone else. Just
me. Just you. [Hiccup]

Get back. Get back.

Right, we'll stay here
until you get back. [Hiccup]

And, uh, make sure he
doesn't leave. What?

Make sure he doesn't leave.

The prince?

Yes. Make sure
he doesn't leave...

Oh, yes. Of course. [Hiccup]

I thought you meant
him. It seemed a bit daft,

Me having to guard
him when he's a guard.

Is that clear? Oh, quite
clear. No problems.

Right.

Where are you going?
We're coming with you.

No, no, I want you to stay here
and make sure he doesn't leave.

Oh, I see. Right.

but, father...

Shut your noise, you!
And get that suit on!

♪♪ [orchestral
accompaniment resumes]

♪♪

And no singing!
♪♪ [drags to a stop]

[Hiccup] oh, go and
get a glass of water.

[door slams]

Well taken, concord.
Thank you, sir. Most kind.

And again!

Over we go! Good. Steady.

And now, the big one!

[Grunts] come on, concord!

[arrow whizzes past, thuds]

Message for you, sir.

Concord! Concord, speak to me!

"To whoever finds this note:

"I have been
imprisoned by my father,

"Who wishes me to
marry against my will.

"Please, please, please
come and rescue me.

I am in the tall tower
of swamp castle."

At last! A call! A
cry of distress!

This could be the sign that
leads us to the holy grail.

Brave, brave concord, you
shall not have died in vain.

Uh, I'm... I'm not
quite dead, sir.

Well, you shall not have
been mortally wounded in vain.

I-i... I think I could
pull through, sir.

Oh, I see. Actually, I think
I'm all right to come with you.

No, no, sweet
concord, stay here!

I will send help as soon as I have
accomplished a daring and heroic rescue...

In my own particular...

[Sighs] idiom, sir?

Idiom! No, I feel
fine, actually, sir.

Farewell, sweet concord!

I'll, uh... I'll just stay
here, then, shall i, sir?

Yeah.

[Giggling] [bridesmaids
murmuring, giggling]

♪♪ [Festive]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪

♪♪ [continues] [murmuring]

♪♪ Morning. Morning.

♪♪
Ohh. Hmm.

♪♪

Ha-ha! Hyah!

Hey.

[Launcelot shouting, grunting]

Hey!

Hyah!

[Launcelot continues grunting]

Hey! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Aaaah!

[Continues laughing]

[Women murmuring]
[launcelot] ha-ha!

[Grunting] [screaming]

Ha-ha! And take that! Aaah!

Hyah!

Haah!

Ohh!

hyah!

Ha! Now, you're not
allowed to enter the room...

Aaah!

O fair one, behold your humble
servant, sir launcelot of camelot.

I have come to take... Oh, I'm
terribly sorry. You got my note!

Uh, well, uh, I got a note.

You've come to rescue
me! Uh, well, no. You see...

I knew someone would!

I knew that
somewhere out there...

♪♪ [orchestral accompaniment]
there must be someone who...

Stop that! Stop that! Stop
it! Stop it! ♪♪ [drags to a stop]

Who are you? I'm your son!

No, not you! Uh, I
am sir launcelot, sir.

He's come to rescue me, father.
Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

Did you k*ll all
those guards? Uh...

Oh, yes. Sorry. They
cost 50 pounds each!

I'm awfully sorry. I can explain
everything. Don't be afraid of him.

I've got a rope all ready.

You k*lled eight
wedding guests in all!

The thing is, I thought your son
was a lady. I can understand that.

Hurry, sir launcelot!
Hurry! Shut up!

You only k*lled the
bride's father, that's all!

Well, I didn't mean to. "Didn't mean to"?
You put your sword through his head.

Oh, dear. Is he all right? You
even kicked the bride in the chest!

This is gonna cost me a
fortune. Well, I can explain.

I was riding north from camelot
when I got this note... Camelot?

Are you from camelot?
Hurry, sir launcelot!

I am a knight of king arthur,
sir. Very nice castle, camelot.

Very good pig country. Is it?

Hurry! I am ready!

Would you like to come and have
a drink? That's awfully nice of you.

I am ready!

I mean, to be so understanding.

oooh! whenever I'm in this
idiom I get sort of carried away.

Oh, don't worry about that!

[whines] [splat]

[All sobbing]

This is the main hall.
We're gonna have this

Knocked through and
made into one big room.

- There he is!
- [father] oh, bloody hell.

[all shouting]

Please! Hold it!

Hold it. Hold it! Hold it!

Please. Sorry. Sorry.
See what I mean?

I just get carried away. I really
must apologize. Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

- He's k*lled the best man!
- [Crowd gasping]

Now, hold it. Hold
it, please. Hold it.

This is sir launcelot from
the court of camelot...

A very brave and
influential knight,

And my special guest here today.

Hello. [man] he
k*lled my auntie!

[Crowd shouting] please! Please!

This is supposed to
be a happy occasion.

Let's not bicker and
argue about who k*lled who.

We are here today to witness
the union of two young people...

In the joyful bond
of holy wedlock.

- [Crowd muttering]
- unfortunately, one of them,

My son herbert, has
just fallen to his death.

- [Crowd sighs]
- but I don't want to think
I've lost a son,

So much as... Gained a daughter.

for...

Since the tragic
death of her father...

- He's not quite dead.
- [crowd gasps]

Since the near fatal
wounding of her father...

He's getting better.

for since her own father...

Who when he seemed
about to recover,

suddenly felt the icy
hand of death upon him.

[Groans] oh, he's died.

I want his only daughter
to look upon me...

As her own dad, in the very
real and legally binding sense.

And I feel sure that the
merger... Uh, the union...

Between the princess...

And the brave but dangerous
sir launcelot of camelot... What?

Look! The dead prince!

[crowd gasping]

He's not quite dead.
No, I feel much better.

You fell out of the
tall tower, you creep!

- No, I was saved
at the last minute.
- How?

Well, I'll tell you. ♪♪
[accompaniment resumes]

Not like that!
Not like that! No!

stop it! Shut up! ♪ he's going
to tell he's going to tell ♪

shut up! Not like that! ♪ he's
going to tell he's going to tell ♪

♪ He's going to tell
he's going to tell ♪

- Quickly, sir, come this way.
- No, it's not right
for my idiom.

I must escape more... [Sighs]

- Dramatically, sir?
- Dramatically.

Heave! ♪♪ [Continues]

[window smashing] ♪ but
he's here with us today ♪

♪ What a wonderful escape ♪♪

[All cheering]

Excuse me. Could, uh... Could
somebody give me a push, please?

[Cat yowling]

[Yowling continues]

- Old crone.
- [yowling continues]

Is there anywhere in this town
where we could buy a shrubbery?

- Who sent you?
- The knights who say ni.

[Groans] no. Never. We've
no shrubberies here.

if you do not tell us where
we can buy a shrubbery,

My friend and i... Will say...

We will say, "ni."

[Screams] do your worst.

Very well! If you will
not assist us voluntarily...

Ni!

No! Never! No shrubbery.

Ni! Nu!

No, no, no, it's
not that. It's "ni."

Nu. No, no. Ni. You're
not doing it properly.

Ni. Ni! That's it!
You've got it.

- [Together] ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
- [Gasping]

are you saying "ni"
to that old woman?

Um, yes.

Oh, what sad times
are these when passing

Ruffians can say "ni"
at will to old ladies.

There is a pestilence upon
this land. Nothing is sacred.

Even those who arrange
and design shrubberies...

Are under considerable economic
stress at this period in history.

Did you say shrubberies? Yes.

Shrubberies are my
trade. I am a shrubber.

My name is roger the shrubber.

I arrange, design
and sell shrubberies.

Ni! No! No, no, no, no!

Oh, knights of ni, we have brought
you your shrubbery. May we go now?

It is a good shrubbery. I
like the laurels particularly.

But there is one small problem.

- What is that?
- We are now...

No longer the
knights who say ni!

- Ni!
- [knights] shh.

We are now the knights who
say ecky, ecky, ecky, ecky, pakang,

Zoom-ping... [Muttering] ni.

- Therefore, we must
give you a test.
- What is this test,

Oh, knights of... Knights
who till recently said ni?

Firstly, you must find...
Another shrubbery!

Not another shrubbery!

Then when you have
found the shrubbery,

You must place it here
beside this shrubbery,

Only slightly
higher, so you get the

Two-level effect with
a path down the middle.

A path! A path! A path! Ni! Ni!

[knights] shh. Shh. then when
you have found the shrubbery,

You must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest...

With... A herring!

- [Excited chattering]
- we shall do no such thing!

- Oh, please.
- Cut down a tree with
a herring? It can't be done.

- [Knights screaming] - [gasping]
don't say that word.

- What word?
- I cannot tell.

Suffice to say it is one of the
words the knights of ni cannot hear!

How can we not say the word
if you don't tell us what it is?

[Knights screaming]
you said it again!

What, "is"? No, not "is."

Wouldn't get very far
in life not saying "is."

- Not is.
- My liege, it's sir robin!

♪ And packing it up and sneaking
away and buggering off ♪

♪ And chickening out
and pissing off home ♪

♪ Yes, bravely he is
throwing in the sponge ♪♪

Sir robin. My liege,
it's good to see you.

- Now he said the word.
- Surely you have not given up
your quest for the holy grail.

♪ He is sneaking away and
buggering off... ♪♪ Shut up!

No, no, no, no. Far from it.

- He said the word again!
- I was looking for it...

- [Knights scream]
- uh, here in this forest.

- no, it is far from this place.
- [knights scream]

Stop saying the
word! Oh, stop it!

[Screams continue]
you said it again!

That's it! I said it!

I said it! Oh, I said it again!

I said it again! That's
three "its"! [Screams continue]

[narrator] and so arthur
and bedevere and sir robin...

set out on their search to
find the enchanter... [roars]

of whom the old man
had spoken in scene 24.

beyond the forest they
met launcelot and galahad,

and there was
much rejoicing. yea!

in the frozen land of nador,

they were forced to eat
robin's minstrels... [Loud chewing]

and there was
much rejoicing. Yea!

[Shivering] a year passed.

winter changed
into spring. mmm, nice.

spring changed
into summer. oooh.

summer changed back into winter.

and winter gave spring and summer a
miss and went straight on into autumn.

Ahh. Oooh! [Grunts]

until one day...

[Grunting]

Knights,

Forward.

[expl*si*n]

What manner of man are you that can
summon up fire without flint or tinder?

I... Am an enchanter.

- By what name are you known?
- There are some who call me...

Tim.

Greetings, tim the enchanter.

Greetings, king arthur!

- You know my name?
- I do.

[fire crackling]

You seek the holy grail.

That is our quest. You know
much that is hidden, o tim.

Quite.

Yes, we're... We're
looking for the holy grail.

Our quest is to
find the holy grail.

Yes, it is. Yes,
it is. Yeah, yeah.

And so, we're... We're
looking for it. Yeah.

We have been for
some time. Ages.

Uh, so anything that you
could do to, uh... To help...

Would be...

Very... Helpful.

Look, can you tell us where...

Fine. Um, I don't want to
waste any more of your time,

But, uh, I don't suppose you could
tell us where we might find a, um...

Find, a, uh... A, um...

A what?

[Stammering] a g-g-g-g...

- [Shouting] a grail?
- Yes, I think so.

[All murmuring agreement]

Yes!

Oh, thank you. Splendid.

Look, you're a busy man and...

Yes, I can help you
find the holy grail.

To the north
there lies a cave...

The cave of caerbannog...

Wherein carved in mystic
runes upon the very living rock,

The last words of
olfin bedwere of rheged,

[thunderclap]

Make plain the last resting
place of the most holy grail.

Where could we
find this cave, o tim?

Follow!

But... Follow only
if ye be men of valor!

For the entrance to this
cave is guarded by a creature...

So foul, so
cruel... [thunderclap]

That no man yet has
fought with it and lived!

Bones of full 50 men...

Lie strewn about its lair!

So, brave knights, if you
do doubt your courage...

Or your strength
come no further,

For death awaits you all...

With nasty, big, pointy teeth.

What an eccentric performance.

[slow, deliberate breathing]

- Shh!
- [neighing]

They're nervous, sire. Then we best
leave them here and carry on on foot.

Dismount!

[breathing continues]

Behold the cave of caerbannog.

Right. Keep me
covered. What with?

Well, just keep me
covered. Too late!

- What?
- [enchanter] there he is!

Where? There!

- What, behind the rabbit?
- It is the rabbit.

You silly sod! What?

You got us all worked up!
Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.

That's the most foul, cruel and
bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

You tit! I soiled my
armor I was so scared.

Look, that rabbit's got a vicious
streak a mile wide. It's a k*ller.

Get stuffed. He'll do
you up a treat, mate.

Oh, yeah? You mangy scots git!

I'm warning you. What's
he do, nibble your bum?

He's got huge, sharp...

He can leap about...
Look at the bones!

Go on, bors. Chop his head off.

Right. Silly little bleeder.

One rabbit stew coming right up.

- Look!
- [Rabbit squeaks]

[Screaming]

Jesus christ! I warned you.

I done it again. I warned
you, but did you listen to me?

Oh, no, you knew
it all, didn't you?

Oh, it's just a harmless
little bunny, isn't it?

Well, it's always the same. I
always tell them. Oh, shut up!

Do they listen to
me? Oh, no. Charge!

[all yelling]

[Rabbit squeaking]

[Screaming]

- [Screaming]
- [whimpering]

Run away! Run away!

[All shouting] run
away! Run away!

[Laughing]

Right. How many
did we lose? Gawain.

Ector. And bors. That's five.

Three, sir. Three, three.

We better not risk another frontal
as*ault. That rabbit's dynamite.

Would it help to confuse
it if we run away more?

Oh, shut up. Go and
change your armor.

Let us taunt it. It may become so
cross that it will make a mistake.

Like what?

Well... [Sighs]

Have we got bows? No.

We have the holy hand
grenade. Yes, of course!

The holy hand
grenade of antioch.

'Tis one of the sacred relics brother
maynard carries with him. Brother maynard!

bring up the holy hand grenade.

♪♪ [Monks chanting in latin]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪ [Continues]

[chanting ends]

How does it, um... How does
it work? I know not, my liege.

[arthur] consult the
book of armaments.

Armaments, chapter
two, verses 9 to 21.

"And st. Attila raised the
hand grenade up on high saying,

"'O lord, bless this
thy hand grenade,

"'That with it thou mayest
blow thine enemies to tiny bits...

"In thy mercy.'

"And the lord did grin...

"And the people did feast upon
the lambs and sloths and carp...

"And anchovies and orangutans
and breakfast cereals and fruit bats...

Skip a bit, brother.

"And the lord spake saying,

"'First shalt thou
take out the holy pin,

"'Then shalt thou
count to three,

"'No more, no less.

"'Three shall be the
number thou shalt count,

"'And the number of the
counting shall be three.

"'Four shalt thou not count,
no either count thou two,

"'Excepting that thou
then proceed to three.

"'Five is right out.

"'Once the number three, being
the third number, be reached,

"'Then lobbest thou thy holy
hand grenade of antioch...

"'Towards thy foe,

Who, being naughty in
my sight, shall snuff it.'"

- Amen.
- [All] amen.

Right.

One, two, five. Three, sir!

Three!

There, look!

What does it say?
What language is that?

Brother maynard, you're
our scholar. It's aramaic.

Of course. Joseph of arimathea!

Of course. What does it say?

It reads, "here may be found...

"The last words of
joseph of arimathea.

"He who is valiant
and pure of spirit...

"May find the holy grail...

In the castle of a-a-a-argh."

What?

"The castle of a-a-a-argh."

What is that? He must
have died while carving it.

Oh, come on! Well,
that's what it says.

Look, if he was dying he wouldn't
bother to carve "a-a-a-argh."

He'd just say it. That's
what's carved in the rock.

Perhaps he was dictating. Oh, shut
up. Well, does it say anything else?

No. Just...

"A-a-a-argh."

"A-a-a-argh." "A-a-a-argh."

Do you suppose he meant
the ca-mar-gue? Where's that?

In france, I think.

Isn't there a st.
A-a-a-argh's in cornwall?

That's st. Ives. Oh, yes.

[All] a-a-a-argh.

O-o-o-oh!

No, no. A-a-a-argh.
Back of the throat.

No, no. "O-o-o-oh" in
surprise and alarm.

Oh, you mean sort of a
"aaaah"! Yes, that's right. Aaaah!

O-o-o-oh! My god!

[Roars]

It's the legendary
black beast of... A-a-a-ah!

[arthur] that's it!
That's it! Run away!

- [All] run away! - [Roaring]

[All shouting]

[Roaring]

Run away!

Keep running!

Shh, shh. Shh, shh,
shh. We've lost him.

[roaring] [all scream]

[narrator] as the horrendous
black beast lunged forward,

escape for arthur and his
knights seemed hopeless,

when suddenly the animator
suffered a fatal heart attack.

the cartoon peril was no more.

the quest for the holy
grail could continue.

[water bubbling]

There it is! The
bridge of death!

Oh, great. Look!

[bedevere] there's the
old man from scene 24.

What is he doing here? He is the
keeper of the bridge of death.

He asks each traveler
five questions...

Three questions.
Three questions.

He who answers
the five questions...

Three questions. Three
questions... May cross in safety.

What if you get a
question wrong?

Then you are cast into
the gorge of eternal peril.

Well, I won't go.

Who's gonna answer
the questions? Sir robin.

Yes? Brave sir robin, you go.

Hey, I've got a great idea.
Why doesn't launcelot go?

Let me go, my liege. I
will take it single-handed.

I shall make a feint
to the northeast...

No, no. Hang on,
hang on, hang on!

Just answer the five
questions... Three questions.

Three questions...
As best you can.

And we shall watch and pray.

I understand, my liege.

Good luck, brave sir
launcelot. God be with you.

- [loud rumbling]
- stop!

[Bridgekeeper] who would
cross the bridge of death...

Must answer me
these questions three,

Ere the other side he see.

Ask me the questions,
bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

What... Is your name?

My name is sir
launcelot of camelot.

- What... Is your quest?
- To seek the holy grail.

- What... Is
your favorite color?
- Blue.

Right. Off you go.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

That's easy!

Stop!

Who approacheth
the bridge of death...

Must answer me
these questions three,

Ere the other side he see.

Ask me the questions,
bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

- What... Is your name?
- Sir robin of camelot.

- What... Is your quest?
- To seek the holy grail.

What... Is the
capital of assyria?

I don't know that!

[Screaming]

[loud rumbling, echoing]

Stop!

- What... Is your name?
- Sir galahad of camelot.

- What... Is your quest?
- I seek the grail.

What... Is your favorite color?

Blue. No, yel... [Screams]

[Chuckling] stop!

What... Is your name?

It is arthur, king
of the britons.

- What... Is your quest?
- To seek the holy grail.

What... Is the airspeed
velocity of an unladen swallow?

What do you mean, an african
or a european swallow?

Huh? I... I don't know that.

[Screaming]

How do you know so
much about swallows?

Well, you have to know these
things when you're a king, you know.

♪♪ [organ: bubbly]

♪♪

[loud rumbling]

Launcelot?

launcelot!

Launcelot! Launcelot!

Launcelot! Launcelot!

[police radio, indistinct]

launcelot! launcelot!

Launcelot!

[chorus harmonizing] ♪ arthur ♪

[echoing]

♪ arthur ♪

♪ arthur ♪

♪♪ [continues]

♪♪ [fades]

The castle a-a-a-argh.

Our quest is at an end.

God be praised!

Almighty god, we thank thee...

That thou has brought safe to
us the most holy... [catapult launching]

[sheep bleating] jesus christ!

[Exaggerated french accent] hello,
daffy english "kn... Iggits..."

and monsieur arthur king who
has the brain of a duck, you know.

So, we french fellows
outwit you a second time.

How dare you profane this
place with your presence!

I command you, in the name
of the knights of camelot,

To open the doors
of this sacred castle...

To which god
himself has guided us!

How you english
say, I one more time...

Unclog my nose in your direction,
sons of a window dresser.

So, you think you could out-clever us
french folk with your silly knees-bent,

running-about
advancing behavior.

I wave my private
parts at your aunties,

you cheesy lot of secondhand
electric-donkey bottom biters!

In the name of the lord,

We demand entrance
to this sacred castle!

No chance, english
bed-wetting types.

i burst my pimples at you and call
your door-opening request a silly thing.

You tiny-brained wipers
of other people's bottoms!

If you do not open this door, we
shall take this castle by force.

In the name of god
and the glory of our...

[soldiers laughing]
right! That settles it!

yes, depart a lot at this time and
cut the approaching any more...

Or we fire arrows into
the tops of your heads...

And make castanets out
of your testicles already.

[soldiers taunting, shouting]
walk away. Just ignore them.

and now remain gone,
illegitimate-faced bugger folk!

And if you think you got a nasty taunting
this time, you ain't heard nothing yet,

Daffy english "kn... Iggits"!

[Blowing raspberry]

[Taunting continues]

[Taunting continues]

We shall attack at
once! Yes, my liege.

Stand by for attack!

French persons!

[Taunting continues]
today, the blood...

Of many a valiant
knight shall be avenged!

In the name of god, we shall
not stop our fight... [distant laughing]

Till each one of
you lies dead...

And the holy grail
returns to those...

Whom god has chosen!

Charge!

[All shouting]

[Siren wailing]

Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure!

don't let any of
them go through!

That's them! Yes!

Come on. Come on. Move it
along. Clear off. Come on.

This one. Come on.
Put him in the van.

Get a blanket on that one.

Come on, back!
Right back. Come on.

Put that over there. That's
an offensive weapon, that is.

Back it up! Back. Come on.

All right, sonny, that's
enough. Just pack that in.

[banging] [cameraman] christ!