05x03 - Destruction, Blood And m*ssacre

[bunniefuu]

Get away from my death.

Have you paid this?

You see, this is why I got you an in
-tray. Things you haven't dealt with yet

here. Oh, is that what that's for?

Anyway, that's Sebastian's job.

Not if it's not in my in -tray.

This. You are invited to the scene of
the crime.

Hey, give me that.

Who's Olivia?

Dear Frank, Olivia is desperate,
underlined, to see you.

Olivia Bluebell, who went to school
together.

Olivia. Olivia.

Bluebell. Casting director for the RSC.

I don't know. I mean, she liked drama
and that.

Yeah, she was Juliet in the six -form
play.

I fell asleep.

She left me for Bill White shortly after
that.

The invite's from him. He's organising
some sort of m*rder mystery themed

reunion. You know, costumes and that
sort of stuff. Oh, Frank.

Your first love. And she's desperate to
see you.

I bumped into her in the street a couple
of weeks ago.

She did seem a bit... What?

Nervous? No. A bit excited?

Billious.

Yeah. I mean, her and Billy have been
together for years.

I'm surprised he invited me. He's always
hated me.

Maybe he's mellowed in his old age.

Old? He's the same age as me.

Sorry, not to make this all about me,
but I have been trying to get a meeting

with Olivia Bluebell for quite some
time.

Well, we will drive you then, because
it's in the middle of nowhere. I could

learn a monologue, just in case. I'm
going to stop you right there.

I am not going.

I look daft. Not bad for a 1920s
policeman on a day's notice.

Yeah, it's a good thing if you make her
laugh, right?

They must be stinking rich.

Oh, yeah.

Bill invented the world's first
unblockable toilet.

I've always wanted one of those, but
they're a bit pricey on the night. You

should eat more fibre.

The crisps count.

Nice car.

Oh.

That's Paul Belch.

He was Bill's sidekick at school.

Where's his costume?

Are you a bit nervous?

You know neither of you two are invited,
right?

Yeah. Well, we'll walk you to the door.

Why do you want me to the mucky? My lad
is dead.

Is that Olivia?

Wow. Let's go.

I told you, no costumes.

Bill says he dares you to wear it.

You know how he hates running late. Come
on.

Oh,

Frank.

I didn't know you were coming.

Me neither.

I mean, me too.

I'll just go. No.

Hello. I'm Lou.

I'm Frank. Olivia.

I'm so sorry. How rude of me. No, no.
And this is Sebastian Brudenell.

Well,

how nice to meet you both.

Come on in.

I'm sure we can find an extra couple of
parks. Really?

Oh, OK.

OK, then. Come on in.

Bags and coats there.

You'll have to hand over your phones and
car keys.

Bill is paranoid about people cheating.

Really? Don't worry, it's not that kind
of party.

Look at your junction.

You always could make me laugh.

You look beautiful.

Lovely, really.

It's Bill's idea.

You know, I wanted to say something when
we bumped into each other.

Maybe later.

At your service, ma 'am.

Well, let me take you through.

Please,

at your service.

Pull yourselves together.

All this over some toilet?

It's only a game, Hannah.

I need some air.

Isn't that the politician, Hannah
Villamil? Frank, glad you could make it.

And who are these?

Frank's wife and son came. Isn't that
nice? No, he's not my wife. He's not my

son. Am I old enough? Would that work? I
don't think so. I'm...

I'm Lou, I'm Frank's business partner,
and I'm also the designated driver

tonight. So, yeah, so Frank is very
single.

I mean, single, just, well, normal
single, yeah.

And you're also a PI, are you? I'm a
rather trained actor.

And I also work for them.

Sebastian is a wonderful actor. I think,
actually, he's going to be amazing at

your game. I think you're going to be
really impressed.

Well, an entire PI firm turn up at my
m*rder mystery party. I suppose I should

be flattered.

But I don't have parts for you two.

I told them that we'd make it work.

You told them about your rule?

Come on, let me get you some costumes.
Oh, you have a costume.

So, uh...

Where's the rest of the fixed form,
then?

Eugene's on his way.

Eugene Bottom?

From bottom to top lawyer, would you
believe it?

He's been helping me with my will.

We should have a quiet word.

I'll be honest.

I'm the one who was desperate to see
you, and I used Olivia as bait.

Why? Let's just say you'd be doing me a
favour if you'd just keep an eye

on her tonight in your professional
capacity.

I'm sorry, Bill. I don't really feel
comfortable with that. I can recommend

somebody else.

Yeah. Your scruples do you credit.

See, never kicked the habit. I started
on the music block roof.

That'll be Eugene.

Eugene! You remember Frank? Of course.

How are you?

Well, you come as... Oh.

Eugene Bottom.

Frank Hathaway.

I didn't realise this was a party for
losers and hangers -on.

You still afraid of heights? Come on,
Paul. Play nice.

If you're the butler, belch.

I'll have a drink.

Yes, you can serve us all a drink in a
moment. The key, please, that you may

have. Thank you.

Would you show them through to the
drawing room, darling?

Of course.

Isn't it good that we're all together?
It's been so long.

This

is

not a reunion.

It's a job.

Bill wants me to watch Olivia.

Really? Well, what did you say?

No. I don't want to get involved in
their marital disputes.

As soon as dinner's finished, we're out
of here.

What about me?

Olivia Bluebell is one of the most
powerful women in British theatre.

Don't worry, you've still got plenty of
time to impress her.

She's not giving me much to work with.

What are you?

An aunt?

Dinner is served.

I hope you're all ready for this.

Five minutes behind schedule. Come
along, everyone.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Frank, Paul, Eugene, you remember
Hannah?

Long time no see.

Too fancy for us, eh?

For you.

You too.

I hear about you in the news sometimes.

I don't get as much coverage as I
should.

Oh, really?

I feel like I see you everywhere.

Oh, sorry, I'm Lou. I'm Frank's... I'm
the maid.

Not his maid.

He's single.

So, gaspacho.

It's been a favourite of mine since our
honeymoon, and Olivia kindly agreed to

make it for us tonight.

It's not really 1920s, of course, but it
is blood red.

Well, let's just hope you eat it
tonight.

What? He's been on a diet lately.

In preparation for the next lovely lady
to come along.

Oh, lucky girl.

Oh.

It's cold.

Yeah. It's gazpacho.

If it's cold.

Because it's gazpacho.

Or cold.

Cold too.

Posh people do it.

I had to wrestle them snakes. It was the
only way.

Flight Commander Captain Bigglesworth
reporting for duty.

I have seen some things.

Perfect.

A unique prize for the best detective.

Ah, it is 24 -carat gold.

A repurposed anniversary present,
actually. I thought it was perfect,

our relationship's been going down the
pan.

Even I can tell that's a bad taste.
Yeah, just a bit.

Mind you, if it is a real copy, worth a
fortune.

Oh, look.

Frank Hathaway. Forget not that I am
enough.

Uh,

uh, Dockbury, from Much Ado, is a sort
of useless copper.

Ah, that's good.

But for the game, it's good.

No cheating.

Leave that now and pour some wine,
please.

That's a good chap.

So now that we're all finally here, we
can commence.

At 1910 hours, in the drawing room.

My pocket watch was stolen.

Stolen? I thought this was a m*rder
mystery party.

Ah, there are more twists in store, but
for now there is a thief in our midst.

Nervous, are we?

Oh,

well, it couldn't have been me, because
I was with you.

Before dinner.

In your professional capacity as a lady
of the night?

Yeah, well, yes.

Ah, lucky boy, eh?

And you can corroborate that, can you?

Oh, I'll, um... I'll, um... Sorry, it's,
um... Oh, it's...

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

Eugene, your alibi.

I, Bottom the Pimp, was collecting
payment from Officer Hathaway.

I then went to try and organise my
client, Miss Bluebell's, next trick.

Hmm, it wasn't me. I don't think even
paying you would help, would it,

Bill's the most awkward in a pie so far.

Hannah!

Well, I didn't do it.

I know, because I...

Redhead. But your moment will come.

All a bit tense, isn't it?

You got something to say, dear?

Me? No. No, it's just lovely.

Lovely water.

Your alibi.

Oh, my alibi.

Well,

I haven't got a... I'm just a lowly
maid. I was a

milk in a cow.

About ten past seven? I don't know.

Four. Three filling glasses.

All night.

Ah, now I think an excellent opportunity
to steal a pocket watch.

Shall we vote?

Oh, uh, no, monsieur.

You forget me at your Paris.

Yes, well, I think it's running a bit
late now, and we all know that you've

come back from... Indeed, I have just
returned from my incredible exploit

over all the continents of the world.

However, nothing could have prepared me
for what I noticed

on my way to the dining room.

You have said there is a thief among us.

But what is this?

if not evidence of a much darker crime.

What that is, is my handkerchief.

I had a nosebleed.

What, another one?

Yes.

Right, let's vote.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

Honestly, nothing personal.

It's just that I think you had, like,
the opportunity.

I'm too obvious.

Didn't you say there'd be, you know,
another twist?

Paul, come on.

Really? It's not my fault you've got a
stupid name, is it?

Right, Frank.

It's always the person you expect the
least.

Huh? Oh!

So I sell my own pocket watch, Mary.

Paul, you got the most votes, so stand
up, turn to page four.

I confess I'm the thief.

Bill,

have some water.

He's in plumbing.

OK,

you can stop milking it now.

See, that's the thing with amateurs.
They never know when to stop.

Bill!

Oh, you.

You can't trust

that kid.

No, you can't.

He is, yes.

Dear God.

We need to call an ambulance.

I told Billy we were overdoing it.

Landline's not working. I think it's the
storm.

It's an awful house.

I never wanted to move here.

Of course, Bill loved it. It was perfect
for all his games.

Get justice done.

He was playing with us to the end.

Are you sure you don't know the code to
the safe?

I know.

He always kept it secret.

part of his thing.

He even made us put our phones in there
because he thought it was only fair.

Shall we get you a little brandy?

were helping him with his will?

He reached out to me a few months ago.

Anything I should know about it?

You know, anything unusual?

Eugene?

He said he was worried he might die
soon.

Never mind an ambulance.

I've got the board of directors now that
Billy's dead.

He's not even cold and you're thinking
about that?

White Pumps and Plumbing is one of the
biggest companies in Stratford.

Bill would have wanted a smooth
handover.

What, to you?

Yes.

You should have given me the company
years ago.

We can dry your crocodile tears.

Desperate for a divorce.

Bill died of natural causes.

I think he was m*rder*d.

So what are we going to do? We're in the
middle of nowhere.

I hate to say it, but if there has been
foul play, it doesn't look great for

Olivia. Why?

Well, Bill says he doesn't trust her,
and then he dies, and the last thing he

says is he wants you to get justice
done, whatever the personal cost.

Just because Bill was worried about
Olivia doesn't mean he was right.

Yeah, and she does seem genuinely upset
and shocked, which is more than I can

say for some of them.

And if he was poisoned, it could have
been anyone.

Paul. It can't have been the wine,
because he poured it for all of us,

himself. Might have been the soup.

Gazpacho. Bless you.

I had a whole bowl of it. I didn't even
like it. And now, actually, I don't

think I feel very well.

Look, calm down.

The bowls were pre -served.

Any sensible k*ller would put it
straight into Bill's bowl and then

whatever they used.

Yeah. Any clues on the body?

No, some things don't leave a trace.

Listen, we need to keep this to
ourselves.

We don't want to spread panic.

What are you, um... How dare you keep
this from us!

Bill was m*rder*d.

One of us is a k*ller.

I need my pills.

Look, if we all stick together, she'll
be safe.

Hank. Yeah.

Shall I get rid of that?

Yeah, and any other weapons you can
find.

I'm a respected politician.

I can't afford to be caught up in some
scandal about a m*rder.

You'll die of a heart attack.

Then this m*rder mystery stuff will go
to your head. It's true.

What evidence do you have? We're just
being cautious.

I need to use the toilet. Hang on. It's
an emergency.

Just go on.

All right.

Yeah.

So... You and Bill were getting a
divorce, yeah?

Well, we've been unhappy for years, but
that doesn't mean to say I k*lled him.

No, it's not funny.

So how was it, Bottom?

What? It.

Oh.

That's fine.

If you really think it was m*rder,
Frankie boy, you should ask your ex.

I mean, Bill didn't really want to give
her a divorce.

Plus, who made the soup, hmm?

What about you?

There must be a reason Bill made you the
thief in the game.

He's been embezzling money from the
company for years.

Where's your proof?

In Bill's last will and testament, ready
to go to the board in the event of his

death. Bill made millions out of my
designs. Millions.

Kept me on a miserable salary.

The unblockable toilet on me.

Toilets are all you ever think about.
That's right. Ever since you lot used to

shove my face in one. That's right.

Where's Anna?

I'll go and find her.

Must have been tough being in Bill's
shadow all these years.

We all were.

The rest of us moved on, Paul.

Is that so?

Have you moved on from this?

He did that back.

Is that from when Bill put you off the
music block route?

Do you know, um, I don't think Bill was
m*rder*d at all.

I think your Frankie boy there's got the
wrong end of his truncheon.

Hey, you know, he only became a P .I.

because he was fired.

I wasn't fired. I retired.

I was admired.

I've looked everywhere.

Even the billiard room. There's a
billiard room. But I can't find it.

Look who I found trying to break into
the safe.

Well, we're like fish in a barrel here.

Somebody's got to go for help. Oh,
Hannah, you just want to save your own

What are you saying, Eugene?

Because I would be very careful if I
were you. The only person we know is a

criminal is Paul.

And you would say that Bill wasn't
m*rder*d if you'd m*rder*d him.

Do you want me to prove that?

No. Yes.

Oh, um, is that what I think it is?

Yep.

That's the end of Bill's clue.

See?

This is why you should have put me in
charge.

Because I get things done.

Are you OK?

You, sir? You're an idiot.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I mean, that was disgusting, but I'm...
I'm fine. Oh, no!

May I, Mr Belt?

No,

I think his pulse is irregular.

We need to get to hospital. I'll check
the landline.

Clear.

What are you... Oh, no, I think it
actually worked.

What's that mean?

You see? See? There was definitely
something in the soup.

What are you doing?

It's worth a try.

It's still dead.

The landline.

Not you.

Oh, good.

Right, this is an active crime scene. We
need to get out of here and stay out of

here. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

It's all right. Come on.

Come on.

OK.

That's so stupid. Mind you, he did
invent that toilet.

Will you stop fiddling with your
truncheon? I'm desperate for a wee.

Then go.

Someone in here is a poisoner.

I'm starving.

You ate the soup.

Go on. Where's Sebastian?

Hannah's character, Pat. She tore a page
out.

Ooh, a confession?

There was supposed to be another twist
later on. Well, a m*rder.

Bill. No, Eugene.

I confess to pushing Eugene Bottom down
the stairs.

What if it was Hannah and not Bill?

What?

When we were at college, Eugene was
pushed off the roof of the music block.

Bill, Paul and Hannah used to hang out
up there. Eugene went up there one day,

maybe because Bill dared him.

Either way, down he came.

landed on the bike rack, was almost
impaled.

He always thought that Bill had pushed
him, but there was never any proof.

Bill never denied it, though.

Do you remember when we came in, Bill
and Hannah were having that row? Maybe

was about that.

Maybe she was worried that Bill was
going to let everybody know what had

happened. If she did do it, that would
give her a clear motive.

What about the other character packs?

Is there anything of interest?

Not that I can see.

I think we should go and talk to Hannah.

I just didn't want to play the m*rder*r
in the game, that's all.

But what about the argument you were
having with Bill earlier? Something

toilets? Look, public toilets are a
waste of taxpayers' money.

People can use the pub, you know, spend
a literal penny.

Good for business.

Bill's business.

White pumps and plumbing service
Stratford's public toilets.

And if they follow my plan, well,
they'll lose the contract.

So you two had toilet trouble?

It wasn't worth trying to ruin my career
over.

Were you being blackmailed?

Oh, Bill dares.

I would never even have thought to push
Eugene if it wasn't for him.

And then to hold it over me all these
years later when I did not poison him.

I mean, m*rder's hardly good at a vote
winner, is it?

I did see something, though.

All right.

Don't crowd me.

Earlier, when I was looking for my
handbag, I heard something in the

I assumed everyone was in the drawing
room.

So I looked in and saw Eugene
frantically searching for something.

He found whatever it was.

Put it in his pocket and left.

I thought I heard a noise when I was in
the kitchen. He must have slipped in

after I left.

You see, Eugene doesn't know that it was
me who pushed him off the roof.

And if he wants revenge... Revenge?

I'll give you revenge.

Oh, Eugene, I'm so sorry.

Let's all go and sit quietly in the
drawing room, shall we?

We just want to know what you were doing
in the kitchen.

It's a simple question.

She's the one who should be answering
the questions.

Come clean, Bottom.

You k*lled Bill.

Of course he did.

You don't believe that, do you?

I forgot about the truncheon.

You won't believe me, but I felt someone
attack me.

I grabbed the first thing I could.

So you're claiming self -defence?

I, um... Sorry, I just... Oh, I, um... I
tripped over that third carpet.

Yes, I think you hit me on your way
down. Yes, I think you probably hit me

Sorry, I just screamed because everybody
else screamed.

Well, it still doesn't explain what
you...

were doing in the kitchen, though.

It wasn't me.

I think I know what's been going on.

Team meeting.

Now.

Sebastian, you keep an eye on this lot.

What about team meeting?

What if Eugene is covering for someone?
I really feel like there's something

going on with him and Olivia.

Like what?

I don't know, just little words and
glances. Words and glances aren't

in a court of law.

We're not in a court of law.

And if Bill wouldn't grant her a
divorce, then maybe she... I just think

to speak to Olivia.

Oh, sorry.

Olivia.

May I have a little word, maybe, in the
library?

She's got nothing to say to you.

OK. Maybe she could tell me that
herself.

No. This is what I was doing in the
kitchen.

I was getting these.

For me.

I mislaid them.

Eugene saw I was struggling and he found
them for me. That's all.

Mind if I take a look?

Of course.

Thanks.

Diagomenidine.

Fatal in overdose.

And this is empty.

Looks like we found our m*rder weapon.

Question is, which one of you did it?

I confess everything.

After what you've been through, nobody
can blame you.

When you said you needed your pills, I
thought you wanted me to cover up for

you. I just couldn't find them.

You both thought the other one did it.

You were covering for each other.

Why?

Because they're in love, right?

It's a bit of a leap.

She's right.

We are.

You could see how unhappy I was with
Bill.

We didn't mean anything to happen,
but... Bill knew you were having an

He suspected, yes.

But he thought it was with you.

Saw us in town, but two and two together
made five.

So that's why there was all that stuff
in the game about, you know...

I didn't know he'd invited you.
Otherwise I would have warned you.

Yeah. We must be missing something.

I can't think of an empty stomach or a
full bladder.

Why don't you go and try out that famous
flush?

Yeah.

Hopefully it makes him feel better.

Keeler! What the hell are you doing
trying to frighten me into there?

You seem a bit jumpy, Anthony.

Oh, you will be too if you're stuck in
the house with a dead body.

Bill White.

Oh, do you know?

Why are you here anyway?

Anonymous tip -off.

Wouldn't normally follow it, but in this
case... Take me to the body, please.

This looks bad, Frank.

Very bad.

Does it?

I mean, I know it does, but why do you
think it does?

I received this at 2100 hours. I came
straight away, as instructed.

And here, just as I was warned, is Bill
White.

Dead.

m*rder*d by his love rival.

You what?

Frank Hathaway.

That's nonsense.

Who did it, then?

Odds are the person that sent you this
note.

They're probably sitting in the drawing
room right now.

Keeler, thank goodness.

Oh, don't get too excited.

Who thinks that k*lled Bill? You.

What?

Olivia Bluebell?

Yes, Keeler.

You wanted Bill gone so you and Frank
could carry on your love affair,

What? No.

I bumped into Frank. We hadn't seen each
other for years.

So I gave him a hug.

That's all it was.

You sure about that?

OK, I was thinking of asking him to dig
up some dirt on Bill so I could get a

divorce, but I didn't in the end.

I haven't thought about Frank in that
way for years.

I'm with Eugene.

I'm her lover.

That does make more sense.

But Frank didn't know that.

You strung him along.

Made him do all the dirty work for you.
He was really gutted when she left him.

Cried all over his school dinner.

Uh, Joe, I didn't do it.

Well, in that case, you won't mind if I
search you, then?

Oh, easy, Tiger.

Tiger Menedy.

Wait, isn't that the same stuff that was
in Bill's suit?

No, listen, don't you do anything
stupid.

Frank Hathaway, I'm arresting you on
suspicion of m*rder.

Backup should be here any minute. You
know this is ridiculous.

You know, I always knew you were going
to mess up, Frank.

But I must admit, I never thought it
would be m*rder.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, indeed.

You better get yourself a very good
lawyer.

Call yourself a Shakespeare scholar.

What? It's always the person you least
expect.

Delaying tactics.

All right, thank you, Mr Hairy Lip. Give
me a chance.

Right, from the pack.

Welcome, destruction, blood and
m*ssacre. I see, as in a map, the end of

From the note that Keeler received.

Bill White is in danger.

The end of all his hopes of his life is
coming.

The end of all.

These were written by the same person.

Shakespeare? No, not just the phrase.
The end of all.

What if Bill wasn't m*rder*d?

What if he k*lled himself?

He wouldn't do that. Never.

But if he was going to die anyway...
Exactly.

The smoker's cough.

That bloody handkerchief.

And you said he'd been losing weight
recently.

Yes, that's true.

He designed the game.

so that we'd be at each other's throats.

You'd be exposed as a thief, and you'd
have to confess to Eugene, putting your

career at risk.

But he didn't live to see any of that.

Yeah, the story's fallen apart, Frank.

Bill died before he expected to.

In Romeo and Juliet, Romeo has time
after he takes the poison to do a whole

speech, but Bill can't have had even a
whole dose, because there was still

enough gazpacho for you to have some.

And you only fainted.

But if he was already ill... He
misjudged the dose.

Doesn't explain why you had the pills in
your pocket.

Maybe they were planted.

In the library.

When he asked me to keep an eye on
Olivia, he could have slipped them

into my pocket.

If we had been having an affair, well,
the plan would have been genius.

What plan?

First, destruction.

The game.

Secrets are revealed.

Second, blood.

That disgusting tomato soup.

Third, m*ssacre.

Belle's death.

Olivia's in the frame. You turn up, now
I'm in the frame.

If only he'd talked to me.

He always had to be in control.

Even after his death.

He wanted to break you all.

That's why he took our keys and phones
off us, locked them away, trapped us

here. Now, this is all just
circumstantial. Not when you see they've

written on the same typewriter.

Bill's typewriter, the one with the one
E.

He cut the key.

I drug.

I quit.

But with a kiss, I die.

That actually was really good. I mean,
look, bravo. That was brilliant.

I wish I could help you, but I'm going
back to acting myself.

Bill made me stop, but I hope to see you
at an audition or something.

I've had enough of you causing trouble,
Frank.

Causing trouble?

All I did was give her a hug.

Well, now there's a man dead, and I've
got to question somebody about a theft.

Maybe it's not too hard on Paul. I was
wanting him to invent an unsplashable

toilet seat.

Olivia's leaving casting.

I know.

We heard. I'm sorry.

You know...

I don't think Bill was as clever as he
thought.

Yeah, he is not.

Because m*ssacre, it means several
people, not just one.

Yes.

Anne, he misunderstood that Dogberry
quote.

Forget not that I am an a*s.

Dogberry's not really a useless copper.

He saves the day in the end.

Shall we?

Oh.