2001 Maniacs (2005)

[bunniefuu]

- Take aim!
- Take aim!

- Fire!
- Fire!

Unprecedented, historic casualties.

More Americans died
in the so-called Civil w*r

than in the two World Wars combined.

Six-hundred and eighteen thousand.

Although the popular media
usually portrays the Civil w*r

as a series of epic battles
for honor and glory,

the reality is far from either.

General Sherman's march
through South Carolina alone

cost over 8,000 innocent Southerners
their lives.

Yep.

Sparing no women or children,

Sherman reduced the city of Columbia
to ashes overnight,

so while you're on spring break
next week down in Florida,

you might better understand
why so many Southerners

still are angry at the North
and their rampage of death and destruction.

l get it.

Their fashion might be
a little bit out of date.

- Nelson.
- Rest assured, one day in the future,

your grandkids will be laughing
at photos of you.

sh*t.

All right, all right, settle down.

One of the big problems
for the Southerners...

f*cking piece of sh*t! God damn it!

- Nelson!
- lt's jammed, sir.

- What's going on?
- Oh, God.

Have a nice break. See you in two weeks.
You, you, you.

Stay!

lt's about respect, gentlemen.

Respect for me,
respect for the subject matter,

but most of all, respect for yourselves.

Papers like this,

"General Sherman: A Total Badass,"

ain't going to cut it.

Your antics today clearly demonstrated
how serious you are about your studies.

You, Anderson,
you missed class yesterday.

Actually, l didn't miss it at all.

You think this is very funny, eh?

This university won't miss any of you
next semester,

when you're expelled.

That is, unless you all turn in
three new term papers

by, let's say, the end of spring break.

Let me remind you of an old saying.

"Those who don't learn from history

"are doomed to repeat it."

Gentlemen, the party's over.

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Yes!

Vilano Beach, Palm Beach, Palm Coast.

- Daytona!
- Shut the f*ck up.

- How much farther are we?
- l don't know. lt's not even that bad.

lt's only, like,
another eight hours till Florida.

So dump the f*cking map.
l'll find us a shortcut.

Dude, this is so nice, man.

Why do we even want to go to Florida?
We should just stay right here.

Have you guys taken a moment
to look around you? Look at this place!

Yeah. lt's f*cking awesome.

l love the smell of cow sh*t in the morning.

- Take it all in, boys. Sniff it.
- All right, all right, all right.

l know what l'm gonna write
my term paper on.

"Cow sh*t of the South:
The Smell of Victory."

Dudes!

The whole point was getting away
from history class.

- What is that?
- Oh, my God!

f*ck! What the f*ck is this?

Who is this guy?

What the f*ck? That was my armadillo.
We've been tracking that all day.

- You totally wasted it.
- l'm sorry, man. l didn't see it.

lt was like it fell out of the sky, dude,
l swear.

Tell you what. lf, you know...
lf you give me and Dr. Mambo here a lift,

- you know, we'll totally call it even.
- Dr. Mambo?

- Where you guys heading?
- South. Daytona Beach.

Awesome! Awesome!
Let me get my pack, dude.

Yeah, hop in, man. Go.

Face!

The way l see it,
if we drive through the night,

we'll be quaffing beers by noon
and boffing chicks by 5:00.

And pushing up daisies by midnight.

Go, banjo boy, go!

All right!

Whoa.

Holy...

- f*cking...
- sh*t.

- God, man. l could drink her bath water.
- Dude, l'd eat the peanuts out of her sh*t.

She's not your type, dawg. Trust me.

Dude, if she has a pulse, she's my type.
Watch and learn.

Hey, man.

What's up, dude?

Not much.
Just going on a road trip with the ladies.

- Where are you guys heading?
- Daytona Beach.

My brother's got a beach house.
On the beach.

- Yeah. Must be fate.
- Must be. We're headed there mañana.

Cool. Well, l was thinking that...

We should all hook up
when you guys hit town.

- You got a number, hon?
- Yeah. Sure.

You wouldn't happen
to have a pen or paper?

Who needs paper?

You know what, ma'am?
l couldn't agree with you more.

- So, what's your name, cowboy?
Anderson.

Whenever you're finished,
you can come up for air,

Anderson.

And what is your name?

l'll tell you.

lf l call.

- Later, boys.
- On the beach.

Was that a score? l can't really say.

She'll call. She wants the house.

Okay. We're in Deliverance country now,

so unless you're into squealing
like Porky Pig's love b*tch, Nelson,

- we need a shortcut.
- You guys have no faith, man. Let's go.

Nice overalls, dude.

Pushing up daisies by midnight.

Yep. Yep, we're lost. Yep.

Great. Anderson, you got the map?
Of course you don't.

- lt's in the trunk.
- Trunk? Yeah.

Way to stay up with me, guys.
l gotta do all the driving while they...

lt's midnight, boy!

Man, shut up! Hey, hey, hey!

lt's just a dream.

Dream, whatever. Where the f*ck are we?

You took a shortcut, didn't you, Nelson?

Hey, look. l tried to wake
you two douchebags, all right?

This is your fault, too. Kind of.

- Our fault?
- Yeah. l mean, no.

- Guys, look, sign, all right? Detour sign.
- Enough. Enough. Get out of the front seat.

Come on. Get out. Get out.

- l'm driving. That's it. That's it.
- Fine, you drive.

sh*t.

- Later!
- sh*t! Wait up!

Assmunches.

- Get him.
- Hey!

- l can't reach him.
- You cinched my sack. b*tch!

l just want to go to the beach!

This isn't a real detour.
Where the hell are we?

Whoa.

Check it out.

Looks like it's abandoned.

What the hell is that?

This place is like a ghost town.

Welcome to Pleasant Valley.

Well, don't be a wet ding-dong, fellas.
Buckman's the name.

Mayor's my game.

Now, why don't y'all here
give us a big howdy-do?

Anderson Lee. Nice to meet you, sir.
My two partners here go by...

Lee? Lee. Anderson Lee.

My, my, my, what a beautiful surname you...

- Y'all ain't from the South now, are you?
- Born and raised, sir.

Lived in South Carolina till freshman year.

Then you crossed over to the other side,
l see.

Well, well, we might just save you yet.

You see, y'all arrived just in time
to be our honored guests

at the Guts 'n Glory Jubilee!

Dude, l say we get the hell out of Dodge.
Like, my brother's waiting on us, bro.

Well, good morning, Miss Peaches.

lf l supply the peaches, do you think
you boys could supply the cream?

- We're staying.
At least for five minutes.

Well, looky here.

Appears we got more guests
fresh on the way.

- What?
- The p*ssy wagon's here.

Well, don't that beat all?

You all the prettiest damn Yanks
l ever seen.

Jesus Christ, it's Toontown.

Toony Town? Son, this is Pleasant Valley,
and for the next two days,

there's gonna be nothing
but dancing and games,

and best of all,

a mouth-watering barbecue.

Let me guess. Detour sign?

- Detour sign. What do you think?
- l'm game for anything.

Tell you what. You stay, we'll stay.

Cool.

Judas Priest.

We got ourselves two more Yanks
for the jubilee.

What the hell kind of detour was that?

- And a n*gro and Chinaman to boot.
- That's Chinawoman.

And what a woman!

Well, don't just stand around, folks!

Granny's got rooms waiting on you
at the hotel.

Come on! Come on!

Welcome to Granny Boone's hotel.

What's up?

l don't think so, Amos.

- l'm Hestor.
And l'm Glendora.

Granny Boone said we're supposed
to show you to your rooms.

You girls want to burn some blunts?

You know, spleef?

Reefer?

You two are so lucky you're hotties.

- Anymore luggage, boy?
- Boy?

Ain't y'all motherfucks ever heard
of the civil rights movement?

ls that anything like a bowel movement?

- What, are you out of your f*cking mind?
- Kick back, hon.

Granny Boone done wash out
some fresh sheets for you.

Guess you people aren't wearing
those things anymore, huh?

Tell me, where do black folks
hang out around here?

From off that tree
down there yonder, usually.

You want to get down, huh? All right.

Chill, baby. l don't think our bell-hick
is playing with a full deck here.

Granny Boone say we gotta please
all of our festival guests.

Even you.

Well, we wouldn't want to piss
old Granny Boone off now, would we?

All right, then, that's more like it.

Now, remember,
dinner is at 7:00 p.m. sharp.

- And Granny Boone, she hates t*rd.
- Well, then y'all best leave us to prepare.

Okay, then.

l bid you adieu.
That's German for "l'll see you later."

sh*t we gotta go through for a free meal.

Come on, Malcolm. A little old-fashioned
hospitality might be fun.

- f*ck old-fashioned hospitality.
- l'd rather f*ck you.

sh*t.

This sure is a fine reenactment setup
they've got going here.

l ever tell you guys how much
l love Civil w*r tourist attractions?

Don't y'all mind us none.

Jezebel! Come here, you little mutton chop!

- l say to hell with Daytona.
- l, sir, am in accordance.

You know, l never knew you were Southern.

l was raised by my Aunt Charlotte.
She was old-school Southern.

She taught me to open the door
for the ladies,

say, "Yes, ma'am." "Why, no, ma'am."

You sure unlearned that sh*t fast.
Right, Cory?

lt's still in me, in the background.

School's in session!

My misguided spawn.

Now, why in the hell
did you let them two devils

in Pleasant Valley?

Lord knows l don't cotton
to waiting on a darky,

yet, however, in service to the festival...

Well, it'll all be over soon.

Looks like Miss Peaches done
snagged herself a Yankee boy already.

l got my eye on that purty one

with them long legs
leading up to them tender buttocks.

Now, now, now.
You leave her to Harper, boy.

That tasty dish don't stand a chance
once he walk up on her.

Am l right or am l right?

- Trouble
- Trouble

- Came a-knocking
- Came a-knocking

- Trouble
- Trouble

- Came a-knocking
- Came a-knocking

TroubIe

ls this place a hoot or what?

Can you believe these hicks actually think
we're gonna sleep in separate beds?

Well, l say we hang,
grab whatever we can and blow.

The whole town orjust those frat boys?

- Don't worry, Ricky, l'll save one for you.
- Yeah, right.

Hey, what about saving one for me?

Now, which one would that be?
Perhaps Mr. "l'll stay if you stay"?

- Hey, handsome.
- Hello, everybody.

On behalf of our little town,
l'm here to welcome y'all

- and invite you to take in some of our sites.
- l'll wrestle you for him.

- What's that?
- Nothing. Just ignore him.

Dang, Jethro. You got some muscles there.

lt's Harper, ma'am. Harper Alexander.

l'm Kat, as in "p*ssy."

- This is Joey, this is Ricky.
- Perhaps if Miss Pussycat is willing,

the sun sure looks mighty nice
reflecting on the lake right about now.

Miss Pussycat is more than willing.

Well, then, l guess l'll be seeing
you other fine folks at the festival.

lf you will.

Wait, Kat.

- lt's my good-luck dog tag.
- Don't do anything l wouldn't do.

ls there anything you wouldn't do?

Later, kitty cat.

- Welcome, welcome.
- Don't tell me. You must be Miss Boone.

- lt's a real pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
Allow me.

- Here you go, boys.
- Miss Boone, from the bottom of our hearts,

we thank you
for such fine accommodations.

Don't make me blush.
And that's Granny to you, sonny boy.

- Y'all like my ladies?
- Yes, ma'am.

Y'all ready for a good old time?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah.

- So...
- Gosh, dang it. Kitty's getting away.

Come here, you stupid cat. Get over here.

- Why don't you gentlemen give him a hand?
- All right.

See you soon, boys.

ls this some hillbilly reality show
type of thing?

You know this is Georgia, Miss Pussycat.

Harper, try just calling me Kat.
Miss p*ssy sounds so formal.

Well, Kat, how could one not but smile
whilst in the company

of such a beautiful Northern sophisticrat
like yourself.

You're either the most romantic guy
l've ever met,

or you're completely full of sh*t.

- Come here.
- Get back here, kitty.

- l ain't gonna hurt you!
- Come on, guys.

Come here, kitty. Come on.

My daddy proposed to my mama
right here on this spot.

My daddy proposed to my mom
in the back of a '69 Chevy.

'Course, that was before the troubles.

Before all that fire done burnt this spot
to the ground.

Feels like a fire right now.

You know, life always finds a way of
pushing itself up through death, Miss Kat.

Feels like something else is trying
to push its way through now, baby.

You like horses?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

- Come here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
- Here, kitty.

- Come on. Come on, you little cat.
- Got him!

Once again, Anderson Lee
showing how to get p*ssy.

Thanks, mister. Name's Hucklebilly.

- Hey, what's up, Huckleberry?
- lt's Hucklebilly, dumbass.

- Damn. Feisty little fella.
- Y'all want to play a little game with me?

l don't know, Hucklebilly.

We got some ladies waiting for us,
if you know what l mean.

Yeah. Heck with it, then.

- Come on.
- The little kid has no one to play with.

Poor little circus clown.

So, how about that roll in the hay
you were talking about?

- Make me scream that rebel yell.
- Well, that, ma'am, l can guarantee.

You just lay right here, okay?

l didn't know my Southern gentleman
had a touch of kink in him.

lf a kink means a hunger for you, ma'am,
then that he does.

- Hey, look, dude. We're sorry.
- Leave me alone.

Hey, we'll play a game with you, all right?
What do you got in mind?

- lt's called k*ll the Kitty.
- sh*t.

See, kitty's been bad.

Real bad. l'm gonna lynch her.

- And y'all can be the witnesses!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right.

What would your mother think
if you hurt that poor little kitty?

My mama?

Mister, my mama give me a silver dollar
for every broke-neck p*ssy l bring home.

Harper, honey,
this isn't exactly what l had in mind.

Well, Miss p*ssy,
it's exactly what l had in mind.

Now, l know you city folk think
us country boys naive in the ways of love,

but we ain't as innocent as you might think.

l mean,

l think this might be taking it
just a little too far.

Frankly, Miss p*ssy, l don't give a damn.

l know it's not etiquette
to eat without everyone present,

but a little birdie advised me that

that purty friend of yours
is gonna be just a little bit t*rd.

So let us pray.

Dear Lord,

we thank you for the food
we are about to eat

that makes us whole
in mind, body and soul.

Amen.
Amen.

Amen.
- Dig in.

l'm so hungry l could eat an entire goat
and not share a single hoof.

- Huckleberry's got the munchies.
- Disgusting.

lt's Hucklebilly, pig breath.
Can't you Northern folks get nothing right?

Miss Boone... Excuse me, Granny.

- You've simply outdone yourself.
- Thank you.

- Hear, hear.
- Sure looks tasty.

- Speaking of tasty...
- This is great.

...it appears that our Harper Alexander

has done gone and swept
your Miss Kitty Cat here off her feet.

Lucky b*tch.

Guest or no guest,
l will not tolerate swearing at my table.

Just ignore him.

Jealousy always gets in the way
of his manners.

- Jealousy?
- Kat always bags the fine guys first.

Just once, l wish she was the one
eating sloppy seconds.

May l offer you some fresh milk
with your pie?

l think... l think you just did. Yeah.

l'll keep my jug handy.

- Holy mother of God.
- Holy mother of God.

ls this seat taken, miss?

What if l said it was?

Well, l guess l'd have to tell you
what a mistake you've made,

and what an opportunity you've missed.

- And l guess l couldn't give you these.
- How romantic.

- You ever hear of a 60-second romance?
- No.

- Got a minute?
- l got all night.

You listen up careful now.

Harper done did his duty for the festival
with that Yankee filly.

Time's now come for you two to do yours.

Hey! You!

That's a mighty big noose
you got there for a cat.

Who says it's for a cat, jug head?

- Why, if you even think of hurting Jezebel...
- Shut your mouth now, Lester.

Leave that boy alone!

Been meaning to talk to you about Jezebel.

- ls this mutton chop at least a girlie?
- She's a woman to you, Daddy.

Now, if y'all excuse us. Come on, baby.

Now, Daddy.
Daddy, don't mind Lester none.

l got full confidence in him.

Son, one time l had full confidence in a fart.

Shat all over myself.

Hey, perv.

Hey, chick with milk jugs walk by?

Yeah. She was heading toward
the cow pasture, crying your name.

When you're finished with your boyfriend,
you know where to find me.

What?

Gentlemen,

- l believe it is time for another toast.
- Hit me, bartender.

To the ties that bind, friendship,

and in this case,
the fine folks of Pleasant Valley!

Three queens.

- What?
- Nothing.

b*tch.

You know, l feel like
we're in a Confederate frat party.

You know what l always say?

The only difference
between a frat boy and a g*y boy

is a six-pack of beer.

You know it's true.

And remind Lester

that he has to cornhole that sissy boy.

l know.
l know it goes against the good Lord.

l'll do it, Daddy!

That's nothing to get excited about, Rufus!
God damn it!

- Come on, Rufus, put your weight into it.
- That's right, girl!

Get him, Pretty Ricky.

Miss Angry!

You got angry muscles. Big-a*s muscles.

Come on.

- Not you.
- Hey, Rick!

- See you, dude.
- Come on, Rick.

Let's go.

God damn.

Winner does the pitching,
loser does the catching.

- Screw that. Even you're gonna get laid?
- That's right.

- Don't whack it too hard.
- Come on, girl.

God.

And to all a good night.

Not yet, boy.

Take it off. Take it all off.

Get away. Get away!

ls that what you want?

Nelson!

- Surprise!
- Holy sh*t.

Oh, my God.
l've been thinking about you all night.

You gonna invite me in,
orjust stand there polishing your musket?

Damn right l'm gonna invite you in!

- Peek-a-boo.
- Whoa.

That was fast.

Hey, nice to see you.

- Got milk?
- Milk?

So, want to get to know each other
a little bit, maybe?

Maybe even tell me your name.

Nope.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

You know, my mom never had to say to me,
"Drink your milk, Poopy."

Poopy?

Yeah, my mom used to call me Poopy.
Long story.

Very long.

Honey, do you want to talk
or have a little fun?

- Have some fun.
- That's what l thought.

What the hell is that? ls that a milk bong?

Silly boy.

This is special moonshine
l made just for you.

- You gonna suck it?
- Look, moonshine is not really my thing.

l'm more into beer
and things like that, and...

Are you a boy or a man?

- A man, God damn it.
- Suck it, Mr. Man.

l prefer a nonsmoker.

The South's gonna rise again

Hey, Opie man.

l'll give you a dollar if you get ZZ Top
to play some Hendrix.

So, how'd it go?

Well, it was extraordinary.

- Yeah, we talked till 3:00. Mind sex, bro.
- Mind sex?

- Miss Ricky don't mind sex, does she?
- No, she doesn't.

Looks like Cupid's arrow hit somebody
in the a*s last night.

Wasn't my a*s that got hit.
l was the one sh**ting the arrows.

Well, buttermilk pancakes!

- Howdy.
- Hey.

lf it ain't our honored guests.

Just in time to inaugurate
the grandest jubilee ever!

Well, sh**t dang, Mayor Bumpkin.

lf this ain't the bestest festival ever.

l would not besmirch

the sincerity and efforts
of our proud little town here

if l were you, sir.

A great price has been paid
to ensure the success of this festival.

Whoa. Excuse me, sir.

We're... We're just a little hung-over,
you know? Hair of the dog?

Apology accepted, Mr. Lee.

- Well, guess we're staying.
- l guess so.

Hey, anybody seen Kat?

- Anybody seen Nelson?
- Ten to one he's hitting it.

What did you do to Miss Kitty Cat?

Well, l didn't get to do
anything with her, mister.

Like he said, that big rough-and-tumble
Connecticut boy done stoled her from me.

Nelson?

And Kat?
- Sure enough.

l was doing my best to court her properly.
That boy cut right in.

All right, y'all. Quit your dillydallying.

Boys with the boys
and ladies with the ladies.

Well, now, let's all get this party started!

- You ever seen a kissing meadow?
- Hell no.

- You want to see one?
- Hell yeah.

- Man.
- When in Rome...

Come on, China girl.
Let's get you all cleaned up.

- The South's gonna rise again
- The South's gonna rise again

Ole Granny Boone done cooked up
one hell of a roast with this one here.

Yes, sir.

Granny Boone gonna have her hands full
for the festival.

Yeah. Can't wait to taste the rest of her
at the barbecue.

You know, like l always say,
two heads are better than one.

What's the deal
with these people anyway, huh?

- lt's like a damn time tunnel.
- Come on. Just admit it.

You guys aren't used to old-fashioned,
unspoiled Southern manners.

- Hey, l'm digging it. This place is a trip.
- Sure it is.

After you done turned
a curious country boy

against all that's right and decent.

- He wasn't bad. For a beginner.
- No sh*t.

You ever taken a turn at the shoes?

- Not since l was a kid.
- That's the thing, friend.

You need to get better practice
at the manly arts.

Hunting and soldiering and whatnot.

- That has what to do with horseshoes?
- Horseshoes is a military game in origin.

Goes back to the ole French trappers'
method of gapping mink, as they called it.

She's just playing hard to get.

Jezebel!

Now, the good Lord has blessed
each one of us with distinct virtues,

and it is our responsibility as ladies

to figure out what they are
and how to use them.

l got the gift of tongues.

l got it from my step-pappy,
the Reverend Jonas.

- Bet the reverend's a very proud man.
- He is.

l hope you all will allow us
to share our ways.

You were shy and rough,

but under them Northern exteriors,
l think y'all gonna clean up real good.

Who wants me in their tub?

Nobody. And get some pants
on that little dingdong of yours.

sh**t, Granny.
Today's my turn in the barrel.

My, oh, my.

Here we are. Place where l got my first kiss.

Me, too.

Of course you, too.
You're the one who kissed me.

You are my first cousin.

- Who else was gonna do it?
- Whoa. Wait a sec. You're cousins?

Cool.

- Well.
- l thought you'd never ask.

No. The napkin.

- Here.
- You can watch from over there,

if you're quiet.

Okay.

f*ck, yeah.

You, sir, are a pig!

- What?
- A pig!

- You're boning your cousin and l'm the pig?
- Go away, boy.

But you said l could watch.

- But you weren't quiet.
- But you weren't quiet.

So, what exactly do we do here?

Gap, gentlemen. Refers to the part
of the mink that's not there after the toss.

Most usually the head.

f*ck!

Whatever, dude.

Excuse me.
Let me get that shot there, playboy.

Hold my beer there, Rufie.
Just watch the style.

sh*t! f*ck y'all.

Philly ain't exactly horse country.

The dog is in the house.

Hey, lucky.
Why don't you try your luck at this?

Maybe it'll work out better for you.

- Hell is that?
- lt's a mink or something.

Go on, gap it.

Gap it!

Son of a b*tch!

You must've gotten some!

You done real good.

- Oh, my, my, my.
- So very pretty.

Don't you make a heavenly Southern belle.

Miss Joey, you're gonna be the next one
to steal my heart.

l don't think so.

Think role-playing, babe.

l mean, l know my man is gonna want
to hit this when he sees it.

Now you're talking like a real Southern lady.

Well, gosh darn it, heck.

Ain't you the purtiest little thing
l ever saw?

Easy, Cinderella.

Well, if that ain't the pot
calling the kettle black.

By the way, Joey,
your little boy Anderson's looking for you.

Thank God.

Saved by the bell. Leah. Ladies, have fun.

- Don't you pay her no mind.
- Later, Rick.

Let the hoedown begin.

Grab your partner and give her a whirI

Yeah!

Now twinkle your hair and give it a twirl

SIap your backside, Iift your arms

All right!

'Cause the cows and the chickens
ls returning to the barn

Little china doll, ain't you sweet

Yeah!

l reckon you'll make a tasty treat

Now dance right up to the podium of honor

Yeah!

And let's bestow the honor upon her

Go IittIe China girI

What?

Cute butt
Perky little breasts, yeah

I want one

Time has come to do what's right

- Right!
- Right!

'Cause we've onIy begun to renew the fight

Yeah!

To avenge the horror
That occurred in this place

- Yeah
- Yeah

lt's your maker, now, b*tch,
you'll have to face.

That Chinawoman had a lot of guts.

Need a hand?

Joey.

- Now, where do you think you're going?
- Where'd you get that?

- Your friend gave it to me.
- But Ricky gave that to Kat for good luck.

- Be that as it may, it's mine now.
- Sorry. That must be a mistake.

Give it back to me. l'll give it to Kat.
We're getting ready to go.

- You're not leaving.
- No, Peaches. We are.

Good luck.

You're right on time!

Well, well,
l see the festivities are in full swing.

- Are we enjoying ourselves yet, ladies?
- Your son f*cking loved it.

Our honored guest's having so much fun,
he can't stand it.

He squealed like a pig!

See, our barb-a-cuties
got the skewering rod raring to go!

Well, are we ready?

l said, are we ready?

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

Ramming speed!

lt's Ricky on a sticky.

l love my meat pink in the middle.

Take him to the slaughterhouse, boys.

Good job, gals.

They were actually licking pie
off each other's t*ts.

lt was so wrong, bro, but so right.

Southern style.

Corndog, you have done it.
You are the man!

The man?

For taking 20 years
to get your first piece of a*s?

Whatever.

Think this is all fun and games?
Look around.

This place is f*cked.

l mean,
you don't get something for nothing.

When was the last time
you been somewhere

where there's no electricity, water, cable,

hot black b*tches?

Malcolm's right. This place is f*cked.

l just ran into Miss Peaches.
She was wearing Kat's dog tag.

Said she gave it to her.

Kat would never give this away.

And she wouldn't stay gone this long
without coming back to check in.

lt's not like Nelson vanished
with all this free beer around.

Wait a minute.
You went off with Leah, right?

Well, where is she now?

Square dancing and guest starring
on "Hee Haw."

Look, bottom line, this is all bullshit.
l'm tired of being the guest of honor.

- She's right.
- l say we watch each other's backs.

We're in this together, right?

You got it, bro.
We tight till we all hit the road.

Good. l'll go check out the ride situation.
Malcolm, you go find Leah.

You two head back to the hotels.
Get whatever stuff they haven't ripped off.

Now, everybody act
like this is all great here, okay?

We f*cking love it.
Nobody let on that we're gonna bail.

Heard that.

Miss Peaches says
you all might be inclining to leave town.

ls that so?

Y'all don't want us thinking that you're
insulting our heritage, now, do you?

Of course not. We're thrilled to be here.

Yeah, that's right,
so, you guys just excuse us.

sh*t.

Sweet blade, ain't it?

Pretty piece of steel.

Now, l'm only gonna say it one time.

This is the most important day of the year

for the good citizens of Pleasant Valley.

So, y'all don't want
to disappoint my kinfolk.

Trust me on that.

Yeah, you know,
we don't take too well to rejection.

We've been known to react harshly to them
that crosses us.

l guess you're right, Mr. Mayor.

l guess we shouldn't be so fast
to leave your fine festival.

Well,

that's right polite, Mr. Lee.

Right polite.

So, you all best be going.

You don't want to miss the barbecue.

- What do you think happened to Nelson?
- Nothing happened to Nelson.

There's a simple explanation for all of this.
Don't worry, bro.

Yep.

l always said the South
ain't changed a damn.

Leah would get mad at me for saying that.

- You know, Kat, Ricky and me?
- Yeah.

We've done some pretty freaky things
in the past, but nothing beats this.

Yeah. All for a free meal.

Ain't this a b*tch?

Pleasant Valley. More like Death Valley.

Okay, kids. One hour.
We'll regroup at the hotel.

Well, all righty, then.

l'll be seeing y'all at the barbecue tonight.

Don't be late.

Like he said, baby, don't be late.

Later, bro.

Folks.

l'd like to propose a toast.

To us!

Survivors, in a spiritual sense,

of the worst atrocity of our times.

A w*r between the states!

l know you fine people of Pleasant Valley

have suffered more than seems possible.

But one day, one day we will find rest,

we will find peace,
we will, we will be avenged.

And l tell you now!

Each and every one
of you sad, searching souls,

as God is my witness,

we will never, never go hungry again.

Hey, precious. What you doing there?

What the hell... sh*t.

They all nasty.

He's got our stuff.

Heads up.

Remind me to thank you later.

At the beach house?
- On the beach.

So l left my cell phone in my room.

- Maybe they haven't found it yet.
- Go for it. l'll stand guard.

Ricky?

Where you going, man?

Ricky?

Not this sh*t again.

There are Iessons in this worId

Some are easy

Some are hard

To swallllow, that is

f*ck this.
l don't even like crackers in my soup.

Ricky?

The guest of honor.
We ain't expecting you till later.

You wouldn't happen to see where
my friend went through here, did you?

No, l ain't seen nobody come through here.
You see anyone come through here?

No, sir.
Ain't seen nobody come through here, sir.

Nobody except us mice.

lt ain't polite to go sneaking
around a kitchen before dinner,

even if you is the guest of honor.

l'm sorry.

l was just going to get my best suit,
in my car.

l would hate to show up
at the festival underdressed.

You wouldn't know where
the cars are parked, would you?

They parked them things out by the barn.
Ain't that right?

Yes, sir.

Your car, sir, is parked right down yonder
by that there barn.

Well, thank you kindly, gentlemen.
l'll be seeing you all at the barbecue.

We'll be seeing you, all right.

- There once was a Iassie
- There once was a Iassie

- SIant-eyed, kind of sassy
- SIant-eyed, kind of sassy

- Airs and conceit
- Airs and conceit

- TiII Granny she did meet
- TiII Granny she did meet

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Now, listen!

Tired of this sh*t!

Either one of you inbred country f*ck

knows where my woman is,
you better tell me now.

- The boy wants his b*tch
- The boy wants his b*tch

- Yeah, the boy wants his b*tch
- Yeah, the boy wants his b*tch

- Sad, sad thing
- Sad, sad thing

- A boy without his b*tch
- A boy without his b*tch

Well, it's about time, Leah.
Talk about a sight for sore eyes.

Hey, babe, where you going?
l don't get it. Hold on!

Hey, Leah! Baby! Hold up!

Oh, my God. No. No. No.

Cory.

You looking for this?

Yeah.

Well, here you go.

Slow down.

Okay, you win.

Time to go home. Come on.

What the f*ck?
What kind of people are you?

Now, now, now,
wait a cotton-picking minute here.

- We thought y'all liked games.
- Games?

What kind of m*therf*cking game is this?

You Northern boys may be used
to uptight ladies like Miss Joey,

but one country f*ck,
and all those city girls will seem

like nothing more
than a hole in your mattress.

What are you doing, huh?
Putting in your retainer, baby?

You could call it that.

Help!

What?

- What the f*ck?
- Well.

Let's see, now. We... We done took him in,

clothed you, fed you,

give you a place to call home,
and what'd you do to repay our gratitude?

- You done run away.
- m*therf*ckers!

Need to wake up
and smell the 21st Century!

Well, seems we have to impress upon him
some good manners!

Got any last requests, boy?

Yeah.

Kiss my black a*s.

Next year, no more last requests.

Well, ding-dang-do.

l do believe you are trying to steal
that colored boy's bike.

l wasn't stealing, buddy.
l was just borrowing it.

Anyway, what are you doing
with the keys to that bad boy, huh?

Well, l reckon to take a little ride myself.

Granny done said l can't,
on account l gotta guard the barn all day.

Dumb old ugly b*tch.

So, what do you say you and l,
we go for a ride?

We'll find my buddies.
We'll play "k*ll the Kitty."

You mean it?

Sure, just toss me the keys
and we'll be on our way.

sh**t. lf l go for a ride with you,

how in the heck
am l supposed to guard the barn?

Well, l won't tell Granny if you won't.
What do you say?

l say sh**t, doggie!

- Ring the dinner bell.
- lt's k*lling time.

You really don't think
l'm that much of a moron, do you?

Can't you Northern folks be nice for once?

Well, well.

Just in time for our grand finale.

Year after year after year,

it all comes down to this. Don't it, Granny?

That it does, Bucky.

Too bad his little friends couldn't make it.

Well, that's a matter of opinion.

Ain't it just like you Northern folk?

Always thinking you can waltz in here
and bring us low.

Well, there ain't gonna be no escaping
what you all got coming to you now.

So, who is going to speak our gratitude?

Our grace for what sustains us?

My sweet Hucklebilly,
will you do the honor?

To our guests from the North,
spread here at our feet,

thanks for being such tasty meat!

The South's going to rise again

Now, you two gonna be impressed

when you see the barbecue
Granny's done cooked up for you!

Missy, bet you can't eat just one.

Now, you all like dark meat?

Now, you might be surprised,
but l have always been partial to Chinese.

Only problem is,

hour later, l'm still hungry!

The South wiII rise

The South is gonna rise again

The South wiII rise

The South is gonna rise again

- The South will rise! The South will rise!
- The South will rise! The South will rise!

- The South is gonna rise again!
- The South is gonna rise again!

- The South will rise! The South will rise!
- The South will rise! The South will rise!

- The South is gonna rise again!
- The South is gonna rise again!

We was gonna go easy on you, boy!

Being you was a fellow reb, once, at least.

But then little missy
done went and turned you!

Now, being that l'm a Southern gentleman,
l'm gonna offer you a second chance.

All you got to do is gut the wh*re!

Well, what's it gonna be, boy?

What's it gonna be, son?

No time like the present.

Here you go.

lt's just like gutting a possum, honey.

Welcome back, son.

To the glory

and the honor.

- k*ll her. k*ll her. k*ll her. k*ll her.
- k*ll her. k*ll her. k*ll her. k*ll her.

- k*ll her.
- k*ll her.

l'll take your glory and honor.

And l'll shove it right up your a*s.

You okay?

- f*ck those maniacs!
- Guess that means yes.

Go get that Yankee traitor!

- Where the f*ck did she come from?
- You'll never k*ll me again!

They're everywhere!

l thought we'd found a way
to put yourself up to death.

Thinking about your lost cat,
you Northern folk?

Ain't that right?

Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.
Down into the fiery pits of hell with you.

lt burns.
Burn thy sins and the sins of thy father.

No, they did this! Bring back my baby!

Y'all stand back.

They're mine now.

- Let me go!
- This ain't my first barbecue, son!

And it surely won't be my last.

Duel of honor. Man to man.

Anderson!

No!

Please, son! l beg of you!

- Not my good eye!
- l'll do it. l swear l'll do it.

You'll be whistling "Dixie" out of
your eye socket unless you let us go.

We'll let you go! l swear it! Word of honor!

- Word of honor?
- Southerner to Southerner.

Gentleman to gentleman.

Word of honor.

Let them go. Both of them.

Set them free!

Come on, boy. Take a ride.

Only one way out, Mr. Lee.

Right this way!

- Are you with me?
- All the way.

Charge!

An eye for an eye.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, what's your problem, boy,
charging in like that?

Look, you gotta help us.
l know it's crazy, okay,

but the people at Pleasant Valley,
they put this detour sign on the road...

They k*lled our friends!

They barbecued them
and f*cking ate our friends!

- What in God's name are you talking about?
- And then they...

And then they started k*lling us,
one by one.

Pleasant Valley, you say?

Yeah. Yeah.
You know Pleasant Valley, right?

- Yeah, l know it, all right.
- Everything okay?

l think you and me need to take a little ride.

Ought to lock you both up
for wasting my precious time.

This here's your Pleasant Valley.

Ain't nothing but a graveyard been here
for the last 150 years.

No. There was a town here. Full of people.

- We saw them.
- lf l had a dollar

for every drunken college kid
come hollering about flesh-eating ghouls,

- l could have retired years...
- No, you're full of sh*t!

- Hey! Hey!
- All right, all right, stop, stop, stop!

We're sorry. lt was... lt was a joke.

A prank?

l guess the poor souls of these fine people
who died at the hands

of you Northern heathens
ain't so partial to yourjoke.

lt's called respect, son.

"To the 2,001 innocent Confederate citizens
of Pleasant Valley

"laid to waste on this very spot
by renegade Yanks

"in the w*r between the states.

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

"Never will they rest until,
one for one, they are avenged."

lt's dated April 22.

That's today.

But they're all dead.

Come on.

f*ck you, Pleasant Valley.

Eye for an eye, Mr. Lee. Eye for an eye.

Damn Yankees.