01x04 - Beaver in the Beef House

[bunniefuu]

I don't know.
If that's how you really feel,

maybe we should see someone.

I don't know, Eric.

I'm really tired.

I'm not asking that much of you.

I mean, I read all the books
that you told me to,

and that's not working,

so what's wrong
with seeing a professional?

We go over and over
this same sh*t every day.

I know.

Damn!

Who ate all the beef
chili con carne?

Ron, can we please have
a private moment here?

Oh, sh*t.

Sorry, didn't see you there.

[ Electricity buzzes,
animals chatter ]

What the heck is that?

[ Playing guitar ]

[ Animals chattering ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

What's that?

[ Animals chattering ]

[ Electricity buzzes ]

♪♪

[ Animals chattering ]

There's a beaver
in the Beef House!

♪ Beef House

♪ Beef House

♪ Beef House

♪ Beef

Tim: Stand back!

Bull's-eye! All right.

Watch close,
want another bull's-eye?

- Ee!
- Bull's-eye! Yeah!

I didn't even know
he's a dart boy.

Neither did I.

That's two, anyone care
for three bull's-eyes?

Bullshit.

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Oh!

Bull's-eye! That's three!

He's three for three.

He's a g*dd*mn
sharpsh**ter here.

No man could be that good
at darts without a little help.

Check this sh*t out,
bull's-eye dab edition.

WTF happened to the wall?

My dartboard fell down!

Hey!
There's something in there!

Eric: You know,
I think it's a beaver.

We've had them before but not
this big and not this vicious.

Beavers are bad, but
their droppings are poisonous.

Beaver in the Beef House?

I thought your wife shaved
down there, boy.

Not that beaver, Ron,
I'm talking

about the rabid animal
that's living within our walls.

Oh. Oh.

Eric, my mixed men's darts
championship is tomorrow night.

If I can't practice,
I'm gonna lose.

The hell are we supposed
to do here, huh?

Hey. What am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do,
damn it?

Calm down.
I'm just getting up to speed

on this whole
professional darts man thing.

Like, could you
practice upstairs?

Oh, no, so now you want me
to move all my musical equipment

out of my room
and practice in a space

that isn't regulation size?

The reason I'm doing it
down here

is I need the distance, okay?

I need the distance.Okay.

I understand that now. All right.

Well, then somebody tell me
what the hell we're gonna do

to get this beaver
out of the Beef House!

- Hey, Boro.
- Hi, Boro.

How was school today, boy?

Not great, I told my class
about my night diarrhea

during show-and-tell.

Everybody laughed at me.

Boro, we're dealing with
adult stuff right now,

so why don't you go upstairs,

do your homework,
and go straight to bed?

Don't forget your diapers.

- Bye, Boro.
- All right, Beef Boys.

It's time to put on
your beef helmets and figure out

how we're gonna get this
beaver out of the Beef House.

Whoa, sh*t!

♪♪

♪ Beef ♪

♪ Beeeeeeeeeeeeeef

♪♪

Now for the juice.

Oh, no, Tim, why?
Why are you juicing?

♪♪

Bull's-eye.

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

Ah.

Why are you juicing
in the Beef House?

Come on, Ron.
We need ideas!

We need to get rid
of this beaver now!

I can't practice
my dartsmanship!

Eric, where the hell
are my pills and milk?

Coming, pills and milk, and I
heated up the milk this time.

Okay. You heated it up?
What are you talking about?

Yesterday, you said
it was too cold,

so I heated it up
in the microwave.

Yeah, it was literally
ice milk yesterday!

I don't want warm milk!
I want ice-cold milk!

What are you doing putting
your finger in my milk?

I'm... Dude, are you okay?
What's going on with you?

Nothing, I'm just
a little frustrated

about this beaver situation.

Where the hell is Ben Hur?

We need to have a Beef House
brainstorming meeting right now!

He said he was going fishing,

but I know Ben Hur don't know
Jack sh*t about no fishing.

I think he's getting one of them
there nuru body massages.

You know, Tennessee might
be able to help us here.

Tennessee, get down,
we're having a Beef Boy meeting!

Come on, Tennessee!
Hurry up!

We need ideas,
and we need them now!

Hold on now.

What does every
warm-blooded creature

on this planet got to have?

Ooh, pumpkin spice lattes.

Truth and honesty?

Unconditional love
from their wife.

Close, I'm talking about S-E-X.

Little bit of this.

[ Squishing]

And some of this.

[ Squishing]
Line.

Like this and then
makes the milk?

Right. That beaver can't resist
those primal urges.

If we could just lure him out
with some

of that beaver a*s bait,
we could trap his a*s.

You know, I do have
a beaver costume

when I was a mascot
down at the Rimwood Beavers.

And I have some mating spray
we can use.

Wait a minute.
You're saying we put one of us

in a beaver suit
and put them out here like bait

to draw the beaver out?

The question is, which one of us
is gonna act as the beaver?

Well, I don't trust Tim
to do it.

That's for sure.

Hey, you got something
to say to me, Tennessee?

Well, someone has got
to be that beaver bait!

- Not it.
- Not it.

- Not it.
- Not it.

Hey, guys.
What did I miss?

All: It.

Beef.

Little there, little over there,

and a little on the backside.

Eric: Get it right
in the as*h*le.

Yo, Tenny, hit me
with a little of that sh*t.

I'm going clubbing tonight.

That's right.

♪ Shake that booty

[ Laughs ]All right. Now we wait
for that beaver

to pick up that scent.

Good luck, Ben.

I'll be back later
with some traps.

Okay.
I'll just stay here

and wait until beaver comes
and **** me.

Hurry back.
We need those beaver traps STAT.

Been a long time
since I've trapped a beaver.

Have fun at the club, but maybe
no glory holes tonight.

And I'm going upstairs to work
on my dartsmanship.

I need absolute silence
down here.

I need total concentration
upstairs.

Do you hear me?
All right.

Eric, can I talk
to you privately?

Sure.
Climb aboard.

You don't mind,
I'd rather sit on the couch.

Oh, all right.

There's no easy way to say this,

but Tim has been
juicing his darts.

What, really?

He's got some kind of way
to rig those darts

so they go right
in the bull's-eye every time.

I don't believe that.
He's a stand-up guy.

I saw it in my mind.

The Beef House is no place
for cheaters.

How can you live
under the same roof

with someone so deceitful?

He has been acting aggro AF.

I guess I got to talk to him.

[ Sighs ]

[ Breathing rapidly ]

Tim? Dude, don't you knock?

What are you doing? Ugh, I'm working
on my form here

for the big mixed men's
darts championship tomorrow.

Can we have a talk back here?

[ Sighs ]

Ugh.
What is it?

Tennessee just told me
that you're juicing your darts.

Is that true?
No!

He's lying, Eric.

I'm all naturale when it comes
to me dartsmanship.

Tim, you've been acting
like a lunatic all week,

and it's just not you. I know.

Now, I got to settle this beef
once and for all.

Whip out that dart.

Put it up to my lips.

I'm gonna lick that tip,

and we'll figure out
if you're juicing or not.

Be my guest.

[ Exaggerated licking]

♪♪

Just what I thought,
it's filled with juice.

That's total BS!
What, are you gonna tell me

this isn't some
premium dart juice

right by your bedside table?

Eric, I'm sorry, okay?

I was just trying to make
the Beef Boys proud,

give myself the upper edge
so I could win the mixed men's

darts championship
tomorrow night.

Tim, we're already
super proud of you.

You're the number one
electronic drummer in Rimwood.

You've created some
of the spookiest plug-ins.

That Robbie Zombie stuff,
it's freaking wonderful.

You don't have to be
the best at everything.

♪♪

Well, I guess I can say goodbye
to my dart's championship, huh?

[ Object breaks ]

Tennessee:
Eric, Tim, get down here!

We got a live one!

♪♪

It worked!

Bad beaver is making love
to the Ben beaver.

He's really getting in there.

This is great, but where
the hell is Ron with the traps?

I'm back. They were out
of traps, so I got this r*fle.

Hurry, Ron! Look! Oh, sh*t!

[ g*nsh*t ]

You're not hitting the beaver.

Why don't you die, beaver?

You're not even close! Damn.

That son of a b*tch
must have sold me blanks.

sh*t.
Hey.

You know what you need to do?

What?
You got to dart that beaver

right between his eyes
till he's dead.

Eric, I can't,
not without my juice.

I -- I'm not good enough.

You can do this
without the drugs.

Uh, here goes nothing.

Ah!

Oh, no!

♪♪

Hyah! Hyah!
Hyah!

Bull's-eye!

Beaver down!

Yeah!

I didn't use that banned juice.

[ Laughs ]

Oh.

We did it.

Talk about a bull's-eye, yeah?
I knew you could get it.

Turns out, I didn't need
the juice after all.

You didn't.
Ah!

Now, that's what I call
a bull's-eye.

Don't accuse me
of not trying, Eric.

I told you I am.
Okay.

You're trying, but can't this
just be a team effort here?

Listen, I have a lot going on,
and it's just...

Work has been stressful,

and coming home to this madhouse
doesn't make it any easier.

I promise you, the Beef Boys
will do better.

You have to,
and if it was up to me,

this wouldn't even be
a Beef House.

I know that's not an option.

Well, we did get rid
of that beaver, right?

I guess.

Hey, speaking of beaver,

what should I do
with this g*dd*mn corpse?

Should I chuck it or throw it
in the Crock-Pot?

Get out!

♪ Beef House

♪ Beef House

♪ Beef House

♪ Beef

Abso... lutely.