01x06 - Crab Dip

[bunniefuu]

[ Creepy music plays ]

♪♪

♪ Ghosts and goblins

♪ Coming for ya

♪♪

Alright, Porter.
Why don't you go upstairs

and take your diarrhea medicine.

I'll call you when
it's time for dinner.

- Hey.
- Alright, Beef Boys.

It's mail time.

[ High-pitched ]
♪ And the frightening thing

Tim, mail's here.

Alright. Coming.

That's gonna be a hit.

Oh, looks like you got
a package here, Ben Hur.

Oh, batteries for my butt plug
and my dildos.

Did my, uh, Sticky-Picks
come yet?

Sorry, man, not today.

Oh, look at this,
a community flier.

"Attention Rimwood neighborhood,
this Saturday, open your doors

for the first annual
Open House Block Party."

Oh, that's awesome.
We could set up some appetizers

and talk with the neighbors --
really get to know 'em.

[ Imitates buzzer ]
I think that idea sucks.

You know what I think
we should do?

Turn this joint into
a smokin' haunted house.

Who's with me?
- Alright.[ Applause ]

Go, baby, go.
- All the way.

Can I talk to you
for a second in private?

Ugh, fine.

What is it?
[ Sighs ]

Tim, you know I'm terrified
of haunted houses.

Even as a kid,
I had a spook problem.

Boys would come up
and say, "Boo!"

and I would scream and cry,
and they'd say,

"Oh, look at that
big, fat p*ssy.

You can even handle
a boo."

Eric, you got to get
over these fears.

Anyway, I'm thinking about
keeping the spook levels

on this haunted house
down to a five.

Any chance we could go
down to four?

I got to keep it at five,
but here's my counter offer.

Youmake your
world-famous crab dip

as a treat for anybody
that makes it through

our Beef House of Horrors.

Everyone does love my crab dip,

and it would kinda
take the edges off

this spooky haunted house.
Hey, Ron! Good news.

We're turning the Beef house
into a haunted house.

Wouldn't be too hard
to put up some cobwebs,

a couple g*dd*mn spiders,

a couple of bats,
some sh*t like that?

We'll hook this place up.

I was supposed to say,
"spook this place up."

♪ Beef House

♪♪

♪ Beef House [Beef House]

♪ Beef

Hey, babe.

I'm not sure if the Rimwood
Open House Block Party

is on your radar,
but I just came

from a pretty cool
strategy sesh downstairs,

just the Beef boys,
and Tim imagineered the concept

of a haunted house
through the living room.

Uh, it's not gonna be
too scary, so don't worry,

but we're probably gonna have
to block the entrances

to the stairs
for about three weeks.

The big takeaway was Tim gave me
the green light

to make
my world-famous crab dip.

It's gonna be a wonderful
block party.

Um, hello? Earth to Megan.
[ Exhales sharply ]

You've got to be kidding me.

You can see that I am deep
in research

for tomorrow's
double homicide case,

and you are interrupting me
about stupid crab dip!

It's not stupid crab dip, Megan.
The Beef Boys love it.

Get this through
your thick skull.

[ Sighs ] I am working
and paying bills for you

and those dumbasses
to play dress-up.

Just get out of here,
leave me alone, please.

Fine, I'll go get
Tim his pills and milk.

At least heneeds me.

Thank God for Tim.

Go.

Beef.

Alright.
Looking good.

Hey, you know what'll kick
this sh*t up a notch?

A big-old bucket of blood --

smear that sh*t
all over the place.

Well, wait a minute, now, Ron.
I'd made a promise to Eric

that we wouldn't make this
haunted house too spooky.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

How about...

a little bit of blood?

You got a deal.Alright. Alright.

I know it'll take a g*dd*mn cup.



That's just not enough
jumbo lump crab.

Yo, Eric, I need some corn syrup
and some red dye.

You got any of that sh*t? Yeah, check up
in the cupboard.

Alrighty. While you're up there,

do you see any other cans
of jumbo lump crab?

Hmm, no crab,

but, you know,

when your mom lived here,

before the suicide,

she kept a ton of that lump
crab meat down in the cellar.

She was always prepared,
wasn't she?

Yeah, I just wish we had been
prepared for her

to take her own life, man.

Why did she do it? I don't know, man.

At least you still got the Beef Boys.
[ Sighs ] You're right.

Hey, love you, man. Love you, too, so much.

We're here for you if you need us, okay?
Thanks. Thank you, buddy.

Need any help
with your crab dip?[ Gasps ]

Tennessee, you scared
the sh*t outta me.

Hey, can you check in the
basement, see if we have any more

of this jumbo lump crab? Okay.

[ Creepy music plays ]

There's a presence below.

I can't tell if it is
lump crab meat

or something more ominous.

I will go there now. Thanks, buddy.

There's the crab.

Hmm, what's this?

♪♪

A specter.

A real ghost
in the Beef House basement.

Get back in here, specter.

I have a job for you.

I'm gonna kick this
haunted house up a notch.

Come on,
you got to be kidding me.

Hey, what the hell you doing with
that little bit of mayonnaise?

Check out this new
mayonnaise dispenser

I installed in the fridge.
- Really?

Just filled the g*dd*mn tank
this morning.

That's a lot of tube.

Alright. This is gonna help,
Ron, thank you.

Alright.
Here she comes.

Wow, that's some
fresh mayonnaise. I'm here to tell you.

We got about 25 gallons
of that mayonnaise

sitting in the g*dd*mn fridge
right now.

We can use that for sandwiches
later in the week.

Oh, yeah.
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ron, come on!
We're making a mess. Sorry about that.

I got to adjust the pressure
settings on this b*tch.

Beef.

Tim: Alright.
It's looking good in here.

I think we're holding
at a spook level of five,

just like I promised Eric.

To tell you the truth,
I'm worried about Boro.

I'm worried he's gonna get
the sh*t spooked out of him

and splatter all over the place,
thus ruining my hard work.

Hey, hey, he's got
night diarrhea.

So be sensitive to that, Ron.
Okay?

I'll make sure he sits on the
potty and empties himself out

before he goes in
this dang haunted house.

Beef.

Looks good.

[ Snorts ]
Smells good.

Hey, Eric.
What do you think? Ah!

Wow, pretty cool. I didn't know
we were all dressing up, though.

Yeah, I'm going as
the rock star emoji.

What are you gonna to go as?
A big, fat p*ssy?

Oh, wait, you're already
in costume.

Hey, sorry about that.

It was over the line. It's alright.

Crab dip
looks pretty good. Oh, thank you so much.

I haven't quite
taste tested it yet

'cause I don't want
to waste a bite.

Hey, speaking of taste test,
the haunted house is ready

if you want to take that
for a spin.

Whoa.[ Chuckles ]
You like that?

Yeah, it's pretty spooky, man.

Check this sh*t out.[ Remote blips ]

[ Garbled singing ]Oh, cool.
Did you make that?

Yeah, it's a little
Robbie Zombie-inspired stuff

I cooked up.
Very cool.

Anyway, I got the spook levels
right around five,

but honestly,
I think it's more like four.Ah.

So you're gonna be just fine.
I appreciate you toning it down for me.

Okay, here I go. Go for it, buddy.
You got this.

[ As Dracula ] Good evening, sir.
Hello.

Welcome to the
Beef House of Horror.

Here I go.[ Rock music continues ]

Wow, pretty cool.

Boo!

Oh, hey, Lana. Hey, Eric.

Wow.
I'm sexy cat.

Would you like some eyeballs?

Eyeballs?
[ Chuckles ]

Pretty good, Ben.

Wow, this place
isn't that scary.

[ Evil laughter ]

This is pretty adorable --
a nice little graveyard.

Hey, Tenny.

Do you dare meet
the light before you?

Sure, why not?

Whoa.
What's that?

- Oh, Eric.
- Is that you, Mom?

Oh, your mom is the specter.

I've been released.
I am now free.

[ Evil laughter ]Oh, my God, Mom.

I have so many questions
for you.

Why'd you take
your own life? Well, can you blame me?

I mean, how would you feel

if -- if you raised
a jobless, childless idiot?

Now I got to find a body
that I can enter.

Ah, get me out of here!

[ Screaming ]

Haunted house canceled!

What happened?

Hey, hey.
Calm down.

What the hell happened in there?

Tennessee summoned my dead mom,

and she told me that I was
responsible for her suicide.

Tennessee, W-T-F, dude?!

What? I thought
you wanted it scary.

sh*t.

Flew too close to the sun.

I gotta admit, Eric,
this crab dip is hella good.

Thank you, man. I just wish
the whole neighborhood

could've had a bite
of my world-famous crab.

So where do you think
that ghost went anyway?

Ron, could we please not talk
about that right now?

Got a little bit of a tang
to it, though, doesn't it?

Sort of in the back
of the throat?

This damn crab is rotten.

That can't be the case, Ron.
This is cannedcrab.

It should last for 100 years.

Maybe it's your mayonnaise tube,
Ron. You ever think of that?

Hey, that's not the same tube that
you used in the hot tub, is it?

Only got one damn tube.

I saw all of this take place
in my mind.

That's why Tennessee don't dip.

[ Sighs heavily ]Are you okay?

Just had a weird day.
[ Sighs ]

Now I have a sour stomach
because of a tube mix-up.

It's okay.

I'm here for you.

You are?
Well, I love you...

[voice altering]
and care for you and cherish you

and will always
take care of you.

[ Laughing ]

Mom, are you inside my wife?

[ Distorted ]
Hello, son.

[ Laughing ]
[ Screaming ]

Tim, we have a real ghost!

[ Screaming ]

[ Echoing laughter ]

♪ Ghosts and goblins
coming for ya ♪

♪ [ Shouting ] Nooooooo

♪ And the frightening thing