01x03 - Beige Rage

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Sunny days, outside ♪

- Aw, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,

guess who's pee
was burning earlier,

but the real problem
was just his diet?

Ha.

It's me, ya boy!

Chris "Cranberry" Henson.

Ladies call me the Cran Man

'cause sometimes
I get to cran it in,

you know what
I'm talking about?

Some of the ba*ls
and some of the taint,

a little bit of taint.
- Chris. Chris!

Go back out,
and come back in better.

- Oh, was that no bueno?
- No.

- 'Cause I was gonna wear
all white,

you know what I mean,
stand on your roof

like a Boyz II Men member

or Shawn Michaels
at the WrestleMania,

you know what I mean,
but I don't wear white

after my birthday because of
all the loose period sex I had.

I ruined all the mattresses.
- No. No, no, no.

- I don't care what time
of the month it is.

It's our time.
- Chris, take this sage

and smudge until you're ready
to act right.

- You give me a big a*s blunt
all you want,

that's not gonna
to save the mattresses

from what I did to 'em.

Ruined 'em forever.

Mm! Oh, this is not--
oh, I get what this is.

♪ ♪

- It's 2022.

Now, why hasn't there been
a Black Ronald McDonald yet?

- They wouldn't be sh*t
without us.

French fries? That's us.
Hamburgers? That's us.

Who you think
build them arches? Who?

- You know, I took my son
to the PlayPlace and he said,

"Daddy, can I be
Ronald McDonald one day?"

And I just had to look him
in the eye and say,

"I don't know, son.

I just don't know."

- Hey, I--I don't know
if she Black,

but I heard Wendy got a fat a*s
under that headshot.

- Ay, I thought
y'all had a pool.

- Jak, you come here
all the time.

When have you ever seen a pool?

- I don't know, I thought
it was like a cool reveal,

like the Batmobile
or a C-section scar.

- You know what?
I'm having a good day.

So I'm gonna give you
three Jak shenanigans.

- Three?
Yeah, that's more than usual!

Barbecue!

Hey Chris,
they got rid of their pool.

- Oh, they never had--okay.

Hey, Nina, which one of y'all
normal-faced friends

is available
for this barbecutie?

- I don't think this is
the place for you, Chris.

- Oh, you sound ridiculous.
What do you mean?

Barbecue's where I clean up at.

What? Women out here, drinking,

eating greasy foods,
catching heat exhaustion.

sh*t, by nightfall,

got you some Tums
and a soft part of a couch.

Cheeks. You know what
I'm talking about?

Ah, cheeks. Yow! Cheeks.

- Got you.
- Yeah.

- But I'ma keep it real
with you, Chris.

- Oh, please do.

- Nobody really likes you here.

I mean, the n*gg*s don't wanna
hear you freestyle,

and the b*tches don't wanna
to get hit on

or hear you freestyle.

- Oh, okay.

So n*gg*s don't like
real hip-hop no more.

Can't help that.
sh*t, let the culture die.

Anyway, for real, though.
Where your new friends at?

- I do not make friends
with women

just so you
can have sex with them.

- Why not?
- No.

Can't you find other women

outside of my circle
to disappoint?

- But why would I go out to eat

when my friend
got p*ssy in the fridge?

- Well, the fridge is empty,
my n*gga.

- Tch.
- Yeah.

No, not right there. Mm-mm.

Don't even touch that.

Not over there.
No, don't look that way.

Not over there under the tree.

- Even these
under the tree b*tches?

- Not the tree b*tches.
- Huh.

Wow.
- Sorry.

- Wow! All right.

Well, you b*tches
are gon' rue the day

you felt disrespected by me.

Yeah. Eat that. Huh.

Hope your braids unravel,
b*tch.

I'll be back.

- ♪ Sunny days, outside ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- What's up, baby?

- I'm just so grateful
for you, baby.

- And I'm glad you know
you should be grateful.

- I'm just glad you're not like
these other idiots around here.

Remember when I first met you?

You was in a corner
at that Trillville concert

trying to balance
that empty bottle of Martel's

on your nose like a krunk seal.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- But look at me now.
- Yeah.

- Grilling, Hawaiian shirt.
- Oh!

- Wearing shoes
my doctor prescribed.

Keep describing that outfit

like that, and I'ma soak
right through my panties.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Samm-er Jammers looking
better than they did last year.

- Yeah. You better hurry up.

You know people hate when
you make 'em wait all day.

Bianca fat a*s already talking
about ordering a pizza.

- I got you.
- All right. Give me some. Mm.

Glad to have you all to myself.

- All righty.
- All right.

- Ooh, smooth, Sammy.

You got em' wrapped around
your finger.

- Look, we have
more Black people

in positions of power
than ever before.

Black CEOs, Black lawmakers,
Black directors.

sh*t, a strong gust of wind
from Wakanda?

f*ck around and have
a Black woman president.

I'm just sayin',
we can't be accepting

these empty gestures
from the whites.

I mean, come on.

Painting BLM on our streets,

wearing Kente cloth
to a Run the Jewels concert.

- And they do it
at the worst f*cking time.

- Exactly, exactly. It--
look, if I am in the bathroom

of a Buffalo Wild Wings

and some white dude
walks in talking about,

"Don't worry, I check
my privilege at the door."

I'd be like,
"Sir, can't you see,

I'm trying to jerk off
in this Buffalo Wild Wing?"

You know?

I mean, come on.

I thought I was the only one

projecting my white guilt
on these bathroom walls.

- Stop, I can't with you.

- I'm playing. You know
I don't jerk off in there.

- I don't know, n*gga,
I just met you.

- All I'm saying--
look, all I'm saying is

if I'm being honest,
we're f*cked.

We're f*cked.
You know, at this point,

history is gonna remember
Charlemagne Tha God

as a civil rights leader.

It's tragic, really.

I mean, come on, people.
Read a book.

- You must get a lot of time

to read when you're
in the house all day.

- I'm sorry, what?

- I was just making
a joke, man.

- Yeah, no, I--
I understood the joke,

but I'm a sl*ve in that joke.

So I'm just trying
to understand what's funny.

- It's no big deal.
I'm just f*cking with you

for acting light-skinned, dude.

♪ ♪

- But you understand
how that's problematic,

don't you, dude? Huh?

I mean, because what does
me being light-skinned

have to do with anything?

You're corpse-skinned. Huh?

Would that be okay
if I said, look at you,

rest in piss
'cause you're dead.

- Oh!
- You're f*cking dead!

- Come here!
- No, no, Nina!

You got f*ck' zombies hanging
out and eating potato salad

at your f*ck' party!

'Cause he dead.
- Bro, calm down.

He's f*ck' dead!

No! Unhand me!
He called me a house sl*ve.

- Look.

Stir. Now.

- Okay.
Now you've got a white man

in your home calling me
the help,

and you've got me
inside helping?

- You need to relax.

He said you read.
It's a compliment.

- Okay. n*gro illiteracy
is funny to you now?

Fantasia would roll over
in her grave.

- First of all, you not
gonna yell at me in my house,

and you not gonna
ruin my Sunday

just because
you can't take a joke.

- But it wasn't a joke.

That white devil
disrespected me.

And now you're disrespecting me
by minimizing it.

- Jesus Christ, calm down.

You know, for a house sl*ve,

you sure don't have
an indoor voice.

You acting real
light-skinned right now.

That was good.

♪ ♪

- b*tch, what?

- Who the f*ck you talkin' to?

- Huh? No.
Oh, it's a--

It's a b*tch outside.

- Yeah.
- She loud.

- Bet it is
the b*tch outside.

Well, all I know is you better
not come back outside

until you get
your sh*t together.

Oh, oh, and if I see you
near Friday again,

I'ma make y'all n*gg*s kiss.

- I'll never kiss Friday!

You can't make me!

I'd rather eat bugs!

- Reebok? Aw, f*ck.

What are you doing here, man?
Are you dead?

- Nah, I'm in Jersey.
Reebok just here

to show you how you became
the f*ck n*gga you are today.

- sh*t!

I knew I shouldn't have smoked
that weed Chauncey gave me.

He had it loose in his pockets
with some scratch ticket dust.

- You remember when your cousin
Shay would get upset

when I was giving you game?

She'd catch me with a b*tch

and throw all my sh*t
out on the lawn.

You'd be peeping out the window
all curious,

wearing your Transformer
jammies talking about,

"I know how to spell computer."

- C-O-M-P--

- See, that's why
I f*ck with you.

So after she'd storm off,
I'd give you a hundred bucks

to get up
all my belongings and sh*t.

A few weeks later,

I eat another stripper's booty,

and we'd do it again.

Circle of trife.

- Copped a winter coat when
you was smashing them twins.

- But look at you now.

You just like Reebok.

I can see it in the eyes.

- Ain't none of my sh*t
been thrown in the street.

- Not yet. But she'll find out.
They always do.

Don't shut the door
on family, Sam.

Don't shut the door! No!

- I don't mean to rush
the process, Joel Embiid,

but you got a party
full of hungry fans awaiting.

- This is a very
delicate situation, okay?

- Right.
- You got to look at it

as if each of these burgers is
coming back from an ACL tear.

- Mm.
- Now, do you want

a Kevin Durant or do you want
a Grant Hill?

- Yeah, I'm not
that into hoopty-doops

and dribble scribbles, b*tch.

I was just being cute.
So--so talk regular.

- They'll be ready
when they're ready, babe.

- Okay.

- b*tches wanna hold me
accountable, okay.

I'm not welcome at this party,

well, y'all not welcome
at my party.

That's right, big man. Yep.

Me and you, we one
in the same, bro, bro.

You know what I mean?
Lions in a field

of nappy-headed jackals.

You know, we used to live
in a world, bro,

where lions could wake up kings
of all they see, you know?

Throw some lion d*ck here.

k*ll a gazelle. f*ck it, maybe.

Hold a lion cub over a cliff,

and then drop
that little m*therf*cker

'cause he ain't gonna
replace me.

Nah, nah.

Now they want lions
to be family men.

Why the f*ck they do that?

When's the last time you see
a lion in a PTA meeting?

f*ck around, I'll k*ll
everybody in that b*tch.

You know what I mean?

- You right.

You right, man.
Why should I apologize to prey?

Who am I, Ellen?
f*ck outta here.

Pause that sh*t.

Exactly, my n*gga. You so wise.

You are so wise.
I'ma skip that apology.

f*ck that apology, man.

I'm gonna stand
in my own VIP section

and make all these hoes
jealous of me.

VIC? Ah.

VIC. I like the sound
of that sh*t, right?

VIC?

You in. You right there.

Ah, ah, ah. Gah, gah, gah.
Nah, nah, nah.

- I can't sit down?
You have a lot of seats.

- Mm-mm. Not in that outfit.
Not in them shoes.

- What are you talking about?
These are the shoes

that Jesus wore
when he gave everybody tilapia.

- We at capacity for n*gg*s,
but no hoes.

- There's a lot of seats.
- ♪ And I don't see no hoes ♪

With you. To the side.

- But I'm your cousin.
- Ooh, better roll to the side.

- But I'm your friend.
- Yah, to the side.

- Oh--
- And to the--walk with me.

To the side.
Thank you, my n*gga.

All right. Oh, cover's $200
so you better find that.

- You accept Bitcoin?
- Hm?

- Bitcoin.
- I accept a bit of b*tches.

- b*tch, play an a*s right.
Stop.

I'm just playing,
Fran. You look cute.

Hey, hey, hey!

You can't skip a skip in "Uno."
f*ck wrong with you?

Also lose your damn mind
in the divorce?

- Sam! What's up, dog?

Hey, Chris made it
a little section over there

and he won't let me in.

I know him, but I feel like

you know him, know him,
you know?

Think you can get me in?
- Okay, that's two shenanigans.

You--you have one left.

- Can I use my last shenanigan
to wish for more shenanigans?

- I would count that
as your last,

but I got a lot going on.

So I'm gonna need you
to get the f*ck up outta here.

- Okay.

Hot, hot, hot!
- Stop.

- Look at you counting
shenanigans like you ain't

the most foul b*tch
I've ever met in my life.

- Ito? What are you doing here?

- You smoked that
scratch ticket weed

and invited me.

- Yo, keep it down.

If this is about
how I treated you, I'm sorry.

- Girl, I am good.

But it seems like you're doing
your girl just like you did me.

- I was awful to you.

And my bad on all that
emotional manipulation.

I didn't know what
it was called back then.

At the time I thought
it was communication.

- Sam, I forgave you years ago.

- I heard you moved out
to some farm

with a white woman?
- Olive. She's so nice.

We are making a k*lling selling
radish shavings to Goop.

- Those b*tches
will buy anything.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- Look at you, though.

You married now,
you got this new house.

- It isn't my house,
and Nina and I aren't married.

- Well, you got
a better job now, right?

- Nah.

Still a cafeteria lady
at the casino.

Slapping chili on these hoes.

b*tch, I knew that already.

I just wanted your a*s
to repeat it.

Talkin' about you slapping
chili with no shame.

- Well, I'm happy.

- f*ck outta here!

You deserve this
for treating me like sh*t.

Now, excuse me.
I'm gonna go to my white b*tch

and let her eat me out
in front of our piglets.

- You think 'cause
you a girl burger,

I won't stomp
your a*s to the ground?

I'm a b*tch too, you need to--
- What is up with Friday?

- Friday?

Friday is mad cool.

Hey! Oh, that was--oh.

- He took me surfing.
I didn't get in the water,

but I told everybody
I was a surfing n*gga.

- I finally found a group
of intellectual peers

who understand
my high-brow sense of humor.

We were over there talking
about Black stuff, like,

like, like jazz,

and menthol, and red-lining.

And out of nowhere, he called
me an uppity zip co*n.

- I swear to God, if one more
person laughs in my face

about what that white devil
said to me,

I'ma blow my top.

- I think Friday's Iranian.

- I don't give a damn
if the man is Ra's al Ghul.

f*ck Friday. You need to check
your boy before I do.

- Don't f*ck with Friday.
It's not worth it.

Just get up out
your light-skinned feelings.

♪ ♪

Are you about to cry?

- You think because
I'm light-skinned

I can't beat his a*s.

- Nobody's saying that.
- Mm, nah, you saying

all you think I do
is lick my lips,

stick my thumb up my own butt,

and ask when the next
Drake album's coming out.

That's what
you think of me, huh?

- No.
- Let me tell you

something, Sam,
I'll beat his a*s.

I'll beat his a*s on a Friday
and everybody'll be like,

"Did you hear Friday
got his a*s beat on a Friday?

"Oh, he had a terrible weekend

and he missed his fat f*ck'
niece's eighth birthday."

- I'm pretty sure Friday's
an only child.

- I think I can
just leave my toe out.

Yeah, that way
I can get more space.

Loop de loop,

bunny ears.

- Now,

this could be a real
beautiful moment

where you open up
about the person

you've always been inside,

and then you and I
could finally

have a real conversation, maybe
even form a bond,

but I know it's way,
way dumber than that.

- Chris is doing
something really cool outside.

And he said, ladies free
before three, but no stud sh*t.

So I tried to go
through Sam's stuff,

but all she had was, like,
Timbs and black Timbs.

So I put on your shoes,
and I feel like they work.

- Yeah, just get out.
- Okay.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Take my shoes off.

- You want to put on
some other ones?

- No, no, no.
Just--just go barefoot.

And your toe is hanging--

- You know
I was k*lling that sh*t.

- Never. You could never!

- Ooh!

Hey. What wrong with you?

Is Instagram down?

Did they remove filters
from your phone?

- No. Just stop, Jak.
Not right now.

- Aww, you can't have
a little sparkly face

and a little bunny nose in
the back of another man's car?

- No, man. Okay, look.

It's that dude Friday
over there.

- Hold up, man.
- It's my finger.

- I was with Nina's friends,
and I was being hilarious

by the way,
you would've loved it.

And Friday basically

called me a moulinyan monkey
with reading glasses on.

- That's not right.
- Right.

Exactly, you get it.
- Nah, I see his point.

But you said
you were being hilarious?

That's impossible.

Light-skinned people
as a race aren't funny.

Sure, you have your outliers
like Mike Epps

and Rachel Dolezal,
but jokes just don't be hitting

when you got all those freckles
on your face.

- All right, man. All right.

Hey. Hey!

- What?
- You wanna wrestle?

- No.
- Yeah!

♪ ♪

- What is wrong with you?

- Come on, I'm playin'!
- Are you sick?

- Okay.
- I'll 9/11 your face!

- What?

Hey, that was pretty funny.

Hey! I said it was funny.

Otis Williams Jr.

I need the attention
of the sinner before me.

- Jesus Christ, man. What now?

- Uh-uh. Don't you use my
n*gga's name in vain,

Ms. Corey in the House.

What you need to do
is stop this demonic lifestyle

and be good to that woman.

Or you're gon' suffer
the consequences.

- What consequences?

- I'm talkin' 'bout,
being alone.

Alone, alone.

No girl. No friends.

No streaming services.

Sitting there watching
Ari Melber clips

on basic cable.

- But I have
everybody's passwords.

- Uh-uh, they gone change 'em.

They don't like yo a*s.

You gon' be
sitting there in that stink

little studio apartment.

Laptop keys sticky.

Dirty fridge. Fake cabinet.

Eating cereal out the bag

with a yellow ring
in your toilet,

looking like Sonic the Hedgehog
just took a sh*t.

Uh-huh. And Nina. Yes, your
Nina gon' go back to a man.

She gon' get dicked down
by a corny n*gga.

Uh-huh.
His name gon' be Gerome.

With a G. A capital G.

So where you're sad,
it looks like Groan.

Ew, disgusting. Yeah.

And you gon' be by yourself
on them dating apps

and you can swipe left.

And you can swipe right.

But you can't
swipe back to Nina.

- Nah, f*ck that. f*ck--
f*ck all y'all burger n*gg*s.

My girl ain't going nowhere.

- Oh, nah, I'm in hell!
Oh, fire and brimstone!

I'm sorry I bought a speed boat
with the tithe money, Lord.

Ah, ah! Ooh! Eeh!

- This whole Friday thing, man.
He's, like, in my head.

- Yeah. Hey, this my boy.
He good, bro.

- Don't touch me.
- Nah, nah, you the man.

- You letting
this m*therf*cker in?

Are you serious?
- Ay, bro.

You gotta chill, playboy.
You gotta chill, playboy.

- I'ma go out front
and pee on somebody's car.

I'll be back. I'll be back!

- Continue.

- I just didn't think
everybody saw me

as some sort of
light-skinned stereotype.

- You know what?
Believe it or not,

I relate to this so much.

Not too many people know
this about me, Langston.

But I too identify
as a light-skinneded man.

Yeah.
- Can you do that?

- You sure can.

The medical term
is Trans-dermal.

I'm a trans dermatologist.

- I don't think so.

- I got a lil bit of ligo.
That's my truth.

I'm a Maybach--
Black on the outside,

but you best believe
that interior is butterscotch.

- I hate that you're the only
person who will listen.

- For too damn long,
this has been happening

to our people, Langston.

You and me, the exact same
skin type, light-skinneded men.

We should have been
looking out for ourselves.

But instead, we tried to
look out for all Black people.

That was our mistake.

Jesse Williams, Debra Lee,
Shaun King I think,

all of them fell for the trap.

Huh. sh*t.

Barack Obama.

Now he is the only one
that did it right.

He ain't help out
not one n*gga.

And that's a good
light-skinned man, right there.

- Okay, I can't use
most of what you just said,

but I hear you.

There's no comradery
in this community.

I gotta stand up for myself.

- Yeah, go fight--
- Come on here--

- Get your hands
off of me, darky!

Do I look like a gallon
of Hawaiian Punch to you?

Glug glug, glug. Gorilla.

Well, well, well.

Look who finally decided to
wander down Caucus Mountain

and step
in the name of colonization.

- You really moped around
this party all day to say that?

Yikes, Halsey.

♪ ♪

- Ayesha Curry!

You're not my friend!
I hate you!

Suck it!

Suck it! Suck it! You--

- What the f*ck
is wrong with you?

- No, he's a bully!
I'm the victim.

I'm Azealia Banks,
and you're all "Wild 'N Out."

- Yo, I told you
not to f*ck with Friday.

He got shot. He almost died.

He wears a doo-doo bag, man.

f*ck!

- Well, that's new information
to me!

- Please, move.
Yeah, he's shaking right now.

Listen, there is a white man
on the ground in my house.

Send everybody.

- So what's up? Y'all hate me?

- Oh, sh*t, a fight
broke out in the club.

Walk me out the back, big man.
Big man?

- I think I'm gonna
get a plate to go.

- Man, it smells like
a dog diaper in this b*tch.

- What's going on?
- This poo-poo.

- Oh, Lord.
- Oh, my God!

- It's on me, too.

Too many dudes in here!

- Sam?

- C'mon. There's too much
going on today.

Why can't y'all just be meat?

- Is there something
you want to say to me?

- I messed with another b*tch.

- Why are you trying
to sabotage this?

- I don't know.
Why am I talking to meat?

I saw something
and I pursued it.

I'm being selfish right now.

- You chose to be
in a partnership.

Full-time.

Not just when it suits you.

You can't just choose
when you want to be selfish.

- Yeah. That is f*cked up.

I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

I'm Burger Nina.

What you need to do
is go tell the real Nina.

- Nope.

Not gon' do that.

Hey, there, pretty bird.

I still have one more
shenanigan left, don't I?

With everything that happened
to the pale m*therf*cker,

I didn't feel like I had space

to do what I need to do.

So I'll hold on
to that shenanigan.

Maybe for a week.
- Mm.

- A month.
- Mm-hmm.

- A year.
- Mm-hmm.

- A millennium--oh!

- I love you, man.

- Samm-er Jammers.

Samm-er Jammers!

- All I'm saying is
if Jak's Black a*s

asks for the wi-fi,
you just give him the wi-fi.

But when I ask for the wi-fi,

you go, "Of course, this
m*therf*cker wants some wi-fi"

These little light-skinned
microaggressions,

they just start
to chip away at you.

- We don't pick on you
'cause you're light-skinned.

We pick on you
because you're Langston.

- Mm-hm.
- It just so happens

that you're light-skinned
while you're doing it.

- Yeah. Like--like,
if Slim Thug came in right now

and said,
"I need some honey mustard."

We'd just give him
the honey mustard.

- Yeah.
- Exactly.

But if I ask for it, you go,

"Oh, her highness wants
some mustard with her honey."

That's crazy.

- Yeah, but that's because
Slim Thug is 6'6",

and you wear Toms, bro.

- Enough! Enough of this!
I say enough!

- Get off my table.
- Ah, see, see?

See, that's the oppression
I'm talking about.

Me and my yellow-boned brother
here are tired

of suffering through
all your bigotry.

This beigeail profiling
needs to cease at once.

Are light-skinned n*gg*s
different than other n*gg*s?

Yes.

Is it okay for you guys
to be mean to us?

Sometimes.
- Yeah.

- Oh, or the tons of hilarious
jokes you could be saying?

Yeah.

But does that make you
a good friend

to do those things?

Never.

We are all n*gg*s
at the end of the day

with big dicks
just swinging in the wind.

- You know what, Chris?
You're right.

We haven't been
being good friends

and sometimes you have to stop

and acknowledge
other people's feelings.

- Yeah.
- My bad, Chris.

- Thank you, Sam.
- I'm sorry.

- Thank you, sister.
- What the f*ck?

- I'm sorry, Chris.

This whole day I've been
treating you light-skinneded,

when I should have been
treating you skinneded.

- Ooh.

- We're all humans, all of us.

With skin.
- Yes.

- Mm, that's a breakthrough
right there.

- I hope I choke
on my burger and die.

- Pshh.
- You know what, y'all?

Let's just--let's just
all hug Langston

like the light-skinned
b*tch a*s n*gga he is.

- That's all he asked for!
- I don't want this.

I don't want this!

Unhand me, darkies!
- A lot of love!

Unhand me, you darkies!

- Yeah.
- Thanks, Sam.

That was hella fun, dog.
- You need more h*s, Sam.

- See you next year!
- See y'all.

- Um, I know I'm the wrong
person to ask this,

but what actually
happened to Friday?

- It's really messed up.

He caught a stray.

- What's up, fool?
What's up, fool?

- Ahh!

n*gga, damn!

♪ ♪