01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

This is a story about a boat,

a boat that washed up on a beach

and changed a lot of lives,

like for a woman called Janet

Janet! ..and Samuel.

My name's Samuel.

Hi Samuel.

And him What you dinky doing,

you?

..and her

Pat Tooh with an H.

..and him Ben.

You don't know me

..and this one. Le Tailleur.

And also this guy

He's not much of a talker.

Argh!

Now, some stories start a long,

long time ago.

Some stories start

in a deep, dark wood.

Some stories start in a galaxy

far, far away.

But this story starts here,

under a damn pylon, with a severed

head, of all things.

Shall we begin?

Let's go back in time

to the small town of Applebury.

Not the kind of place

people die to go to,

more the kind where people

go to die.

It starts one morning,

a Thursday, I think,

under smokestacks on a lonely

country road.

A woman with blue in her hair

driving towards a Thursday

..unlike any other

Thursday she'd experienced.

Keith, do you mind?

It's like one of the Seven Dwarfs

had a f*cking brain injury.

I'm five-foot-seven.

Perfectly good height for a man.

Anyhow, I don't claim to be musical.

That's my brother. Hey!

He does Less chat, come on,

we've got quotas here.

Nigel! Shut it down,

there's a jam!

Hang on.

Yeah? Well, tell Maggie to

Nah. We'll have to get

someone from maintenance here.

It's stuck, I can't get it

to work and I can't

OK, clear!

Nige! Argh!

Worst Thursday ever.

Please switch off your

engine, so we can board your vessel!

Merde!

Bonsoir.

Do you mind tying that down for us?

Bit nasty out, eh? I've seen worse.

Mind if I take a look around?

May I ask why?

Take a quick look around,

then I'll be out your minge.

Mackerel.

Yeah, a whole lot of mackerel.

It was a good haul.

And not mackerel.

Come on, then.

Argh!

f*cking get up!

You f*cking done? f*cking get up!

f*cking get up!

Urgh! Urgh!

Anything you can do,

I can do better ♪

Hiya.

Evening.

No, you can't Yes, I can

No, you can't

Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

Anything you can be,

I can be greater

Sooner or later,

I'm greater than you

No, you're not Yes, I am

No, you're not Yes, I am

No, you're not

Yes, I am. Yes, I am!

I can sh**t a partridge

with a single cartridge

I can get a sparrow

with a bow and arrow

I can live on bread and cheese ♪

Right

And only on that? Yes.

So can a rat

Any note you can reach,

I can go higher

I can sing anything

higher than you

No, you can't Yes, I can

No, you can't Yes, I can

No, you can't

Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

Anything you can say,

I can say faster

I can say anything faster than you

No, you can't Yes, I can

No, you can't Yes, I can

No, you can't Yes, I can

No, you can't

Yes, I can ♪

You could just buy it, you know,

love? You can buy them?!

I didn't win it at a fair that only exists

for people who can sell them on at fairs.

See, how it works is

I buy the stuffed animals,

and then in this stall, people come

and they play and they win

No, I get that. I were just

Doesn't matter.

I'm out of money anyway.

That were my budget for the week.

But it's not your problem.

Thanks. Thanks, anyway.

Tell you what, Annie Oakley.

You've practically bought it

already, amount you've slapped down.

Here you go, pet.

Are you sure?

Piece of advice. Don't let it sh*t on

the floor and definitely don't kiss it,

or it turns into a

22-stone f*ck.

Ta.

Alan

Alan!

Ribbit, ribbit No way!

Hiya, love.

You finally won the beast!

Only took eight years.

The approximate lifespan

of the West European hedgehog.

Just don't kiss him, or he turns

into a 20-stone f*ck. Ah!

Sorry. How did you do it?

I am Russian spy.

You know this.

My hand, it become rocket launcher,

I sh**t the cans at a local fair

and job done, as they say.

Shush, don't tell anybody.

You silly woman.

New hand looks good.

No, it doesn't.

But thanks, anyway.

You all right? Yeah. I'll be fine,

they'll see me right.

Janet, Janet

Dearie me.

Bit of a coincidence seeing

you here, isn't it?

No, I was out with a friend

actually. So Yeah.

Where is she, then?

She's, erm

Oh, yes, she's over there.

She's on one of the She's on the slide.

No Oh, no, she's not. Maybe she

Hot-dogs. Candyfloss, or something like that

She loves candyfloss.

You can't keep doing this.

I don't want to get into

restraining orders, but

This is not your life now.

Maybe you'd be happier

if you let Jesus into your world.

Like I did.

Let's go.

We're praying for you, Jenny.

It's Janet. You know it's Janet

She knew full well it was Janet.

She was just f*cking with her.

Sorry.

Would you like your fortune read,

darling?

I think it's best I don't.

They say fortune favours the brave.

But sometimes, even the bravest

souls get left behind.

That's the thing about life, see?

Some frogs never do get kissed.

Some fairy tales never

get their ending.

But sometimes,

they find another way.

Drop it.

Good boy.

Come here. Come here!

Jump. That's nice.

Come here. Come on, then. Good boy.

Morning.

Morning.

Don't normally see anyone

else this time.

I don't sleep well.

Me neither.

Wow! Quick, yours.

Ah, no, he's not mine.

The neighbour lets me take him out.

You're not from round here?

What gave it away?

Oh, you know

Everything.

Yeah. Just moved up from London.

We're "one of those".

Tired of the rat race, were it?

Yeah. Something like that.

Tom!

Tom! Where are you?

Tom?

OK. Major Tom?

Major Tom!

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

We seem to have misplaced our cat.

When Major Tom returns, would you

please give us a call? Thank you.

You're leaving me your cat?

Thank you.

And the sea air of course,

good for the soul, they say.

Well, your new home has been

officially recognised as

the country's hairiest arsehole.

Makes Peterborough

look like Portugal.

I think it's people make places.

Then we're really f*cked.

Sorry.

What the hell? Bette, come here.

What is it? What is it, girl?

What is?

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God!

Call the police. My phone's out.

Right. Just f*cking Come on.

You got to look at this. What?

f*cking hell! Yeah.

What are you waiting for?

There's two dead people here.

The street value's got to

run into tens of millions

So what? Let's just, erm

Let's just give this a minute.

Let's just think

There's nowt to think about.

Jesus! Give me your

f*cking phone! Just, erm

Sometimes Sometimes, the world

The world throws you a bone.

But you don't always see it. You

don't always recognise it, but

This, what's happening right now,

this is the world throwing us a bone.

You want to f*cking take it?

I don't know.

Are you mad?

My name's Samuel. What's your name?

What? Look, this situation's f*cked

up enough as it is

without us being total strangers.

My name's Samuel.

What's yours, please?

It's Janet.

OK. Janet. OK.

Hi, Janet.

Hi, Samuel.

Erm

Listen Listen, Janet, erm,

back in London, I was a lawyer.

And I know this is f*cking insane,

it's insane, I know, but

I think I know someone who'd give

us a lot of money for this.

I just came here to walk

the bloody dog. So did I!

But then the world Threw us a

bone, yeah. Only it's not a bone.

It's a load of cocaine,

the size of a f*cking Nissan!

I've gambled away my

entire life savings.

I sold my house,

which is why we moved here.

Camilla, my wife, has no idea.

I don't know what your story is

No, you don't. Right.

But you are telling me

you can't use a few million quid?

It is not that simple.

But it could be.

Sometimes, you know, the best thing

to do is to look out for yourself.

Cos God knows life kicks

you in the bollocks often enough,

and when you get a chance you need

to take it, grab it with

both hands, because there's nothing

worse than living with regret

Where would we keep it?

We should go.

Oh, sh*t! What?

I gotta clean my dog.

We missed our date last night.

But I'd already paid the deposit,

so I had a whole beef Wellington

to myself.

And I ate it all,

the whole soddin' Wellington.

So are you going to give me

a call back, or what?

Just a text or anything, just to

let me know that you're all right.

Just call me, all right, love?

Turns out the policeman's boyfriend

was also a policeman.

And while he was

calling his dead lover,

Samuel was washing

his Pomeranian in the sea.

Come on, come on, come on.

Where the f*ck were you?

What took you so long?

There was a woman on the beach.

She saw me.

What? Christ

Well, she didn't see my face.

Come on, just f*cking drive.

Hmm.

999, what's your emergency?

Yes, there's a Code 4

down at Applebury beach.

A boat on the shore.

No need for sirens,

just the meat wagon.

Your name, please?

Pat Tooh, with an H.

Right, are you able to wait a while,

while we send an ambulance?

I used to be a paramedic, love.

Trust me, they're extremely dead.

They're on their way.

Ah, lovely.

Yes?

What is it?

Sh!

Sh, sh, sh, sh!

Ah, hold on, hold on.

Say that again.

You are talking about my shipment?

But this is a joke.

Tell me it's a joke.

This is how.

Where are we even going?

I think we should drop

the dogs off first.

Then I passed a storage

unit on my way in.

Storage? Right. You've got all the

answers, haven't you,

Mr Storage Face?

Sorry, you got a charger?

Just my phone's

My wife's, it's in there.

That'll do it.

Oh, I don't understand what just

happened.

I feel like my heart's beating

right outside my chest.

Maybe that's because it is.

sh*t.

OK.

OK, just

Just stay calm. I am.

I'm talking to myself.

Oh.

Come on, come on, come on.

Keep calm, remember?

Oh, no. What?

What shall I do?

Don't do anything. Just wait and

Huh

OK.

I'll get out of the way,

nice and slow.

What the f*ck are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?

It's a one-way street!

What? Oh, sh*t.

What is wrong with you?

I wasn't thinking. Well, start.

Pull over!

What? What if we just hit the pedal

and we don't look back?

We're not Thelma and Louise, you

daft b*stard. We're in Applebury.

Stop the f*cking car.

Stay calm.

Yes, yes, I know.

I'm talking to MYSELF now.

Hi, officer. So, look, I'm new here,

and I, erm, was meant to take

a different turning

and I ended up going down

this one-way street.

You know you're

going down a one-way street?

Yes, and I'm so sorry. Erm

You can't do that.

No, er

What if a car was coming towards

you? Or a bicycle?

Neither would be good.

Or a van.

Absolutely. A mobility scooter.

Right

A kid on a skateboard.

Or those shoes with wheels on.

Can you imagine how that could

have ended up?

Terrible. Be dead.

Hiya.

You all right?

So, I really am very sorry.

And I'm sorry to be wasting

police time.

It's important,

the job you guys do.

My friend and I, we were just out

walking our dogs together.

Dog buddies!

Yes, dog friends, and we got talking

and, er, the turning

All right.

Tell me something, sir. Yes.

In the back of your car there

..is that a whippet?

Yes, yes.

Yeah, he's called Rambo. Rambo.

My mummy used to have a whippet.

Beautiful creatures, aren't they?

Yeah.

Odd little bodies, though.

You can see their ribs.

- Yeah, you can.

- Ben, come on.

Look, all right, no harm done,

all right?

But please be more careful

next time. Yes, will do.

Yeah, of course. Thanks.

See you later. Right.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Dog buddies?

I panicked.

And that's just ten of the great

uses for safety pins.

Harold's Life Hacks -

hit the subscribe button below.

Hey. We need storage.

Oh, and, er, these.

Right, we've got a padlock each,

so it needs both of us

if we want to get into it.

Don't you trust me?

You said you were a lawyer,

didn't you?

You can just ask me, you know.

Ask you what?

My hand. You keep staring at it

like it's a pair of t*ts.

No, I don't! You do.

It were a work accident -

hand versus industrial

metal-pressing machine.

Guess who lost.

Good lawyer could get you

six figures.

Oh, my God!

I never thought of that!

No, me, erm

My manager, he, er, he gave me

some whisky after it happened.

Don't tell the bods

upstairs that you saw this.

It'll just take the edge off it.

I downed the lot,

on account of the extreme f*cking

agony I were experiencing.

He later claimed that

I were drinking on the job,

so, no pay-out for me.

You can ask me anything, you know.

I'm all right, actually.

Sorry, got to take this.

Hello, Samuel speaking.

You're joking.

OK. No, thanks. It's great.

I, erm

Can I call you back?

It's not a good time.

Thank you.

Who were that?

It's my cat, Major Tom.

Your what?

No, my cat's not calling me,

obviously.

It's, er, my estate agent.

When we moved out of the house

in London,

the cat went AWOL,

and it seems he's back.

You moved house

and you left your cat behind?

What the f*ck am I doing?

What now?

I don't know.

What are you supposed to do

after something like this?

I thought you could use this.

Soy, right?

Oh, Colin, you're the best!

It's all right.

I was passing anyway.

I'd better be getting on.

Yeah.

Why don't you just ask her out?

I've, er,

actually written her a note.

Great.

Just what every grown woman wants.

Follow it up by pulling her pigtails

and telling her she smells

and you're golden.

Love might have been in the air

for Colin,

but, for Arthur Lake,

it was quite the opposite.

As he sat there lost

in a haze of pain and sadness,

the last thing

he needed to hear was the words

You all right, buddy?

Buddy?

Who are you?

Ben.

You don't know me. Or my name.

Clearly.

I just wanted to say how sorry

I was about what happened

to your life-partner.

I really am sorry, buddy.

It's all right

if I call you buddy, isn't it?

He seemed nice.

I'm not that way inclined, you know,

but if I were, I'd be interested.

He probably wouldn't be

interested in me anyway, would he?

I wonder who would.

Ian, maybe.

Do you know Ian?

Arthur Come on.

How are you doing?

As you'd expect.

I know you'd rather be anywhere

but here right now,

only something's come up.

How do you mean?

Mark took a unit boat

out onto the water,

but the case number

he assigned to it

It doesn't exist.

Sorry, I don't

Erm

What are you asking me?

He takes a police vessel out into

the ocean - at night, on his own.

Next thing we know, we find him

in that fishing boat

with an as yet unidentified body.

Are you saying he was on the take?

Because if you are, sir,

that's some f*cking bollocks.

Not here, lad. In my office.

I'm fine where I am, thanks.

We're just trying to piece things

together, that's all.

I f*cking loved him!

So don't you dare stand there

and make out like

him being k*lled

was somehow his fault!

Mark was a good officer.

The whole force has

suffered a loss today.

Nice eulogy.

You going to bury his reputation

alongside his f*cking corpse?

Nice and easy.

Good boy.

I'm not doing rock, paper, scissors.

Why?

Cos it's stupid.

And we've got pubes now, that's why.

Well, how about

foot, c*ck, nuclear b*mb?

What the f*ck is that?

Well, it's basically

rock, paper, scissors.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

No, I'm not doing it.

All right, Ron, answer me this.

How many times did you

fail your driving test?

Twice.

Three times.

f*cked up the three-point turn.

Well, there you go.

You're driving this time.

Oh, and do me a favour,

have a little think about

what we're going to eat later.

This place I drew

the map on looks lovely.

20% voucher off and all, eh?

You know it makes sense.

Right, let's do it.

Hmm

Please, no

Please Plea-

Get down, get down

Read it when this is done,

would you? Sh.

No, no.

Stand up.

Where's the evidence locker?

It says it should f*cking be here,

now where is it?

I think it's the wrong way round.

Ah

Cheers.

Wrong f*cking floor. Basement.

No, no, no.

It's not here.

It's f*cking not here.

It were just a friend.

Oh! Get two-for-one with a fax

machine there, did you?

No.

It's so I don't have a

24-hour casino in my pocket.

Ah, sorry.

Ah, OK

Why are you looking at me like that?

Because I am wondering why you

agreed to do something like this.

Cos you're so persuasive.

Let me tell you something.

You know my secrets

..all of them. f*cking hell.

You're the only person

in the world who does.

I reckon this is a safe space.

OK.

That weren't me friend

that texted earlier.

It were me ex, Peter.

Cos I accidentally, on purpose -

- very on-purpose -

bumped into our boy

the other day and he mentioned

a restraining order again.

A restraining order?

That's your son, isn't it?

He's not, actually.

I mean, he is.

He were just a baby

when I met his dad.

His mum had buggered off

and then suddenly there I were.

Not a bloody clue

what I were doing.

And I bloody loved it, every minute.

Anyway, Peter, he met

a younger model

who were hard for Jesus,

so that were that.

So, now I can't see him anymore.

So, from being a mum to being

..numb, I suppose.

Yeah, like I never f*cking existed.

That's sh*t. Sorry.

Oh, f*cking hell.

Can I Can I show you something?

So, this is yours?

It's the last painting I sold.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, at least I kept the hand

I paint with.

No, I mean it.

You have real talent.

Shades of Demuth

Charles Demuth.

OK

Attention, all shoppers,

Tinley Shopping Centre will close

today at 4pm due to an incident

Yep. Years of effort

and if you're lucky,

maybe you get a spot

in the Tinley Centre.

Why'd you bring me here?

Sometimes I come here and I pretend

like I'm in some art gallery

and it's like I'm in some

alternate reality

where I'm not the unluckiest

person in the world.

So why did?

You asked me

why I agreed to do this, right?

Mm-hm.

Cos everything I thought I had -

my future, me Me f*cking fingers,

and me boy -

it's all nothing.

And I am I am done with nothing.

And you need to know that.

Do not f*ck me over on this.

Do not f*ck me over on this, please.

You OK, love?

He hasn't told you anything,

has he?

Who? Oh, your dad?

No, no, apart from

where I can stick it. Why?

It's just, it feels like there's

something going on.

Like, afoot, you might even say.

Dad and Suzie, they keep going quiet

whenever I come into a room like

Got to go. He's coming back.

Alan. Alan?

f*ck's sake.

Well, we should probably, er,

call it a night

before your cat takes out

a second mortgage.

Yes, yes, yes.

The family will be wondering

where I got to.

So, erm, all right.

Well, then, erm, yeah.

I'll I'll

I'll be in touch.

Oh

Right,

leave it to the one with one hand.

Actually, I can't just go and

pretend it's been a normal day.

I'm going to go and drink some more.

So, despite what you said,

you are welcome to come and join me.

Let's leave Janet

and Samuel doing karaoke

..and go find Arthur running

away from grief

and towards a whole new

set of problems.

Look, whatever you're selling,

piss off, all right?

I'm not selling anything, Mr Lake.

How are you?

Who's this?

Le Tailleur.

The Tailor, like you would say.

But, like most things,

it sounds better in French.

We haven't met, but you have

something of mine, I think.

I don't know what you're

talking about.

The boat was found, and two bodies -

my associate, your partner,

and the boat's cargo is gone.

My people checked the police

evidence room.

I've done my work, you see.

You were working together

to steal from me.

Mate, I don't know who the f*ck

you are

or what the f*ck you are talking

about, all right?

Don't. Please.

Another shipment of mine was taken

six weeks ago.

Two men in police uniform.

Now, one, I can shrug it off -

bad luck, the cost of

doing business -

but two?

Get f*cked.

I believe appearances

are very important,

no matter what your business.

Perception is no mere superficial

concern, it is everything.

And the perception

of my organisation,

to lose two shipments

You see my problem?

Seems to me you've got another

problem, pal.

You've got to find me first.

Ground Control to Major Tom ♪

He claimed not to know anything.

So, I have a journey to make.

No, no, I'm looking forward to it.

It's good to get out of the house

once in a while.

The thing about stories is,

it's they can take you anywhere.

To well-paid mass murderers in

search of 20% discounts

..to the places that we

thought were gone

and maybe lost forever.

Fairy tales about frogs being

kissed that needed an ending

..to a boy playing an instrument

thinking about the mother

he wishes could be his mother.

This is Ground Control

to Major Tom

You've really made the grade

And the papers want to know

whose shirts you wear

Now it's time to leave the capsule

if you dare ♪

I will find the money

and hang them from the sky.

When I'm done

..there will be nothing left.

Yes, stories can take us anywhere,

sometimes even back

to the beginning,

or the end,

depending on how you look at it.

I'll give you a fiver to touch it.

You reckon we should tell someone?

Oi!