01x03 - The First Door

[bunniefuu]

"Pinch myself and say,
'I am awake, ' once an hour.

Look at my hands, count my fingers,

look at a clock or a watch.

Look away,

look back,

stay calm, and focused.

Think of a door."

What am I going to do?

Hmm?

Good morning.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Eh... eh...

- I'll just... Sorry.
- Sorry.

Doing well at this.

Yeah.

- You're in early.
- You too.

So I'm gonna work on some notes in here...

eh, until my noon appointment.

Great.

- David...
- Louise?

Can I get by?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Aw...

- Hey, Sue.
- Feeling better then?

What's that?

After you were off, yesterday.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Thank you.

- Are you sure?
- Hmm?

You still look very peaky, love.

Oh, nothing a cup of tea won't sort.

As long as you’re not just here 'cause
you’re worried about old misery guts

and what he might think.

- I’ll get that tea going.
- Okay.

You were gone early.

I've got a lot of work.

What time did you get home last night?

I don't know.

Where were you?

I better go.

I'll call you later.

I love you.

David?

I heard you.

Can't you say it?

I love you, too.

Bye.

Bye.

Hello, Mrs. Robinson.
Good to see you again.

f*ck me.

Give it here.

Where did you get this?

I sucked off one of the nurses.

Seriously?

Oh, I am serious.
I'm f*cking deadly serious.

- Which one?
- Gary.

The big fit one. It's a win-win.

Oh, my God, David would go mad.

- About me blowing Gazza?
- No, about this!

Don't tell him. Live a little.

I guess I can keep this one little secret.

Everyone has secrets.

I don't want to have any with David.

I want us to know everything
about each other.

Always.

Boke.

Good luck with that.

I'm so bored of counting my own fingers.

I half expect to see 11 one day.

When you do, you'll know you're dreaming.

Then you picture the door and open it,
you can dream anything you like.

Where should I dream myself to?

Home?

f*ck no.

That bad?

My family situation is the usual
sad Glasgow tenement cliché.

Never knew my dad, mother’s dead,

so I live with Ailsa, my sister,
who’s a total b*tch.

Only keeps you around
for the benefit checks.

She stands there with her hand out
the minute I get it,

like she’s doing me a favor
letting me sleep in a spare room

listening to her shag
her scumbag boyfriend every night.

There you go, my life.

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten...

Just passing again?

Uh, I...

- Can I come in?
- Are you sure that's a good idea?

Today was brutal.

I can't do that every day.

How are you doing?

I feel like sh*t for what we did.

Don't you?

I feel bad, but...

not for the reason you think.

Why then?

It's been so long since I felt...

not alone.

Right.

Well, I don't want to be
your human security blanket.

No, that's not what...

I wouldn't feel this way
with just anybody.

It's you.

I want to be your friend. I want...

Aw, man, I'm f*cking this up.

- And I thought...
- This, us...

It can't be a thing.

Why did you get divorced?

He left me for someone else
he met at work.

She didn't last long, or the next one,
but now...

he's having a kid with the latest,
so that's... great.

Why did you come here?

Really?

I couldn't not.

Why did you let me in?

I couldn't not.

So...

your ex moved on,

why haven't you?

- Why are you lonely in your marriage?
- I asked you first.

You know, I...

"picked myself up"
and all the other sh*t

they tell you to do
when you get your heart broken.

Joined an app,

but the men I went out with
weren’t looking for a connection,

they just wanted a drink and a f*ck
and to never talk to me again.

You're too bright for all that.

A-And I don't just mean...

bright up here, I mean, you shine.

What about your wife?

Does she shine too?

She did.

Once.

But not now.

You don't know Adele.

You should go.

Yeah. Yeah.

Of course.

David.

What is all this?

I made dinner.

You've been working so much,
we haven't eaten together in ages.

I'm not hungry.

I'm making an effort, David.

An effort to what?

To make you happy.

Is it happening again, David?

What are you talking about?

You know what I mean.

Do I?

You tell me.

Is it happening again?

Is it?

Should I start looking for a new job,
Adele?

You scare me when you yell.

f*ck, that is rich.

Hello, darling.

I thought you weren't going to answer.

Well, here I am.

I was worried.

Have I done something wrong?

Last night you...

You worried me.

What are you going to do today?

Are you really interested,
or do you just want to know where I am?

Both.

I'm going to go to the gym.

Then maybe find some cozy cafe
for a coffee.

Is that meant to be funny?

What?

Do I need to make an adjustment?

No.

Absolutely not.

Then prove it to me, Adele.

I've got to go.

Call if you need me.

Love you.

Look, this is awkward...

but I just...
I didn't know who else to turn to when...

I'm so worried.

David's a perfectionist.

And he tends to overdo it at work.

He's been trying to get better at it,
but...

he likes to control everything.

Always has.

When things get a little too much, he...

He what?

Gets stressed.

And when that happens,

he makes bad choices.

I think maybe he's drinking too much.

He's home late at night,

out before I wake up.
He's working way too hard.

He's been sleeping in the spare room.

I'm sorry to drop this on you.

But I'm alone all the time

and my mind gets racing
and I freak out about stuff.

I can't talk to him
and I have no one else to talk to

and you're the only friend I have here.

- I don't know why you put up with me.
- It's okay.

Hey.

Adele...

I'm listening.

Just saying it out loud
to someone else feels better.

I love David.

Nothing changes that.

And he once
ran into a burning building for you.

That's a lot of love.

Maybe there's a way
to remind him of that.

You're right.

Thank you.

No.

How are you getting on with the notebook?

Pinching myself like a maniac.

Yeah, I feel like an idiot.

- I don't think I get it.
- You will.

You have to want to change your life.

Do you want to have night terrors forever?

I really do not.

Then, promise me you'll keep at it,
Louise.

Don't give up.

- You can't.
- All right.

I'll keep going.

Mmm.

Who is Rob, by the way?

I thought the journal was yours?

An old friend.

Seems quite a character.

You have no idea.

I'm awake.

The doctors would say these dreams
represent my guilt about my habit.

Sod that!

They’re about my family
sucking the life out of me.

Now usually, this is where I wake up...

and then it happened.

Now you're talkin'.

Hi.

That'll be all, Gary.

Seriously?

It's my dream.

Where's my bloody door?

Good morning.

Morning.

New meds for you.

Why?

I didn't like the way you sounded
on the phone the other day.

How did I sound?

Like that.

I don't need new pills.

Take them.

I'd really prefer not to.

Don't I always look after you?

Isn't that what you want?

What you've always wanted?

You know it is.

That's what I'm doing.

Good.

All right.

I'm off, then.

Walk out?

Oh, you go on.

Need him to sign a few things.

All right, then.

- Cheers.
- Good night.

Come in.

These all need signatures.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah.

I need to see Dr. Ferguson now.

- Mr. Hawkins, how did you get in here?
- I want to see Dr. Ferguson, you cow.

Mr. Hawkins, you need to calm down.

"Mr. Hawkins," who the f*ck is that, hmm?

That's my f*cking dad, you silly b*tch.

Dr. Ferguson!

I knew you were here.

- Anthony.
- You said I could call anytime.

I was probably with another patient.

Are you okay?

Should I call 999?

No, I don't f*cking need 999.

I needed you two hours ago.

I don't usually see patients
without an appointment.

But I'll make an exception.

Just this once.

How about... No. Not in there.

Office hours are closed.
We can talk outside.

Do you mind waiting?

Sure.

It's going to be all right.

No one helps me! No one!

No one! No one!

- What about me?
- Well, I don't mean you.

It's too late now! It's too late!

Can we find an hour tomorrow for Anthony?

You have 1:00 p.m. open.

- How would that be?
- Yeah.

Yeah, okay, I'll be there.

Miss Barnsley,
Anthony and I have had a good talk.

We've established some ground rules,

we have our weekly appointments...

And if I need to see Dr. Ferguson
between them,

I'll call the office.

And...

And I'm sorry I called you a cow
and a b*tch.

You're not a cow...

or a b*tch.

No worries, Mr. Hawkins.

Right, then.

You have a good evening,

and I'll see you tomorrow.

Thanks again, Dr. Ferguson.

I really appreciate it.

Sorry about that.

Don't worry.

I think he's getting a bit obsessed
with you, though.

Yeah, no sh*t.

Kid's a total f*cking nutter.

Aren’t you violating some type
of doctor's oath by using that word?

Yeah, probably, but...

Sometimes there's nothing else
that will do.

Wow.

After five o’clock,
you flick that professional switch

right to the off position, don’t you?

I...

I... That wasn't...

I didn't mean...

I know.

Why not?

Cheers.

Macallan.

I remember this.

It started all the trouble.

Would you take it back...

if you could?

No.

Me either.

f*ck, this is so...

sh*t.

David.

I'm not a b*stard, Louise.

I'm not.

It's just...

there are things...

Hey.

Mmm...

Mmm...

No, no, no, wait.
I get it. I get it.

You did the only thing that a friend
would do in that situation,

you f*cked her husband, twice!

sh*t, Lou!

The way you talk about it, it sounds like
you’re shagging both of them.

Wait…

- Are you shagging both of them?
- No! No, of course not.

Thank Christ for that,
because that would be a grade-A sh*t fest.

I know. I know.
I know that, but...

I like 'em both.

Or you feel guilty
about banging her husband,

so that’s what you’re telling yourself.

You're not listening.

Okay, so help me understand.

What is it you like about them?

Adele's kind

and generous.

And she seems too perfect, but she's...

sad and lonely.

And I know what that's like.

She's been a real friend to me,
I can't just abandon her.

Maybe she's sad
'cause her husband's having an affair.

But why is he?

Things obviously aren't right
between them.

They're both a lot happier with me
than they are with each other.

Lou...

you have to walk away.

Why should I?

Seriously.

Maybe for just once, I’d like not to worry
about everyone else’s feelings.

They’re both adults.

They’re both hiding things from
each other. Why don’t they walk away?

Why do I always have to be the one
who does the right thing?

And it’s going to have to end
when Adam comes home, so...

for now,
would you just let me enjoy myself?

Christ!

I deserve to f*ck up a little.

You let yourself get too lonely.

Hmm.

Listen…

You need to ditch them both...

...'cause someone’s gonna get hurt
and that is probably gonna be you.

You're right.

I know. You're right.

So you'll put a stop to it?

Lou?

Yeah. Yeah.

♪ No one I'll rather be with than you ♪

♪ Never say the word
But our eyes always do... ♪

- Hi.
- Hey.

How are you?

Ahh...

♪ No one I'll rather be with than you... ♪

Oh, my God!

♪ Sober or not, high and down below ♪

♪ Days you know... ♪

♪ But nothing flows ♪

♪ You see me ♪

♪ Like no one ♪

♪ Saw me before ♪

♪ You see me... ♪

Come on, you can do it.

Aw...

♪ And this part terrifies me so ♪

No offense, but...

I can’t imagine you as a farm boy.

I can barely remember it myself.

What was it like?

Bloody hard.

My father worked more than anyone else
I ever knew.

Still never enough.

He felt like a failure, I think.

I see you were analyzing people
even back then.

Yeah, maybe.

I think sometimes...

we all like to think we're in control
of our own destiny, don't we?

But...

so much of our lives are actually shaped
by other people's choices.

Like you turning up at my door.

And you letting me in.

Well,

if I’d known this was how the whole
psychiatric couch worked,

I would have gone ages ago.

What happened here?

Got burned.

Some burn.

It was a long time ago.

That's all I get?

Come on, David.

There was a fire...

near where I lived.

Bad one.

I pulled a girl out
and got that for my trouble.

What happened to the girl?

I'm really not sure.

So you never wanted to look her up?

The girl?

It was a long time ago.

Mommy!

Adam?

Where are you?

Mommy!

Help!

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.

I can't believe
he would say that or do that.

Well, he did. He said...

Ah!

You creep!

- I told you to stop.
- Can you tell me what that was all about?

It's about the house.

What about it?

There's a lot to take care of.

Bills, repairs, taxes are due.

It's just easier this way.

What way?

David's looking after it.

Wait. You're not telling me you've just
signed millions of quid over to Dr. David.

We're getting married
as soon as I get out of here.

What's mine will be his then anyway.

I need his help now.

That's a bit more than a watch, Adele.

You know why I wear this?

Because David can't.

Because he's got skin grafts on his arms
from the burns he got saving my life.

I just think you should have waited until
you got out of the nuthouse at least.

David will take care of me.

He always does.

Hi, you've reached Adele...

Hi, do you know where I can...

Yo, you lost?

Hello?

Who you looking for?

- I want...
- What do you want, huh?

- What do you want?
- Just listen.

Now, don't give me orders.

- I like that jacket.
- f*ck off!

Is anyone else hurt?

- Answer me.
- No.

I told you.

I opened the cupboard,

hit myself in the face.

You just hit yourself in the face.

Those pills make me dizzy.

Tell me everything you did today.

I went to the gym,

came home,

- I opened the cupboard to make some tea...
- Why didn't you answer my call?

I was upstairs lying down
with ice on my face.

I was a little out of it.

Really, David, you're overreacting.

Did you really leave work just because
I didn't answer the phone?

Yes.

And why would that be?

Hmm?

I'm glad you're here.

Can we just... be together?

Just spend the rest of the day.

I've got two more appointments
this afternoon.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Right!

You go off and help other people!

Who cares about your marriage?
There's always more pills for that!

I am awake.

Think of a door.

Mommy!

Think of a door.

I'm dreaming.

Mmm.

David.

Chin-chin.

What's the story here, Adele?

I could ask you the same thing.

Uh-huh.

Well...

I'm not the one with the black eye.

I'm not the one
who comes home at midnight.

I'm worried about your drinking.

You're worried about my...

Are you?

Jesus Christ, Adele.

I admit I've made some mistakes.

But you said this was a fresh start.

What happened before we moved here,

- that was...
- That was your fault.

You said it was.

Adele...

I can't cont...

You can't what? Control me?

You're a psychiatrist, David.
You know how f*cked up that is.

I can't look after you anymore.

I just...

I just can't.

We share so much...

you and I.

No matter who or what comes between us,

we share things
that we can never tell anyone.

You know
you can never leave me, David.

I know.

♪ You must set your demons free ♪

♪ I am you and you are me ♪

♪ Chasing dreams around the bend ♪

♪ Going out my mind again ♪

♪ Oh, my world is at an end ♪

♪ You're a rocking horse, my friend ♪

♪ There must come a time to see ♪

♪ I am you and you are me ♪

♪ Prophet in the looking glass ♪

♪ Show us what will come to pass ♪

♪ Oh, this world is at an end ♪

♪ You're a rocking horse, my friend ♪