♪ ♪
[Cheers and applause]
John: welcome, welcome,
Welcome to "last week tonight!"
I'm john oliver, thanks for
Joining us.
We're back!
We were off last week, and a lot
Happened since our last show.
Israel launched a ground
Offensive in gaza city, costco
Recalled prosecco bottles
Because they're prone to
Shattering, with one headline
Saying "get the bottle out of
The house.
Don't even try to return it."
And trump visited the uk, where
He was welcomed with both a
State dinner, and this.
Thousands marched in london
Against the president, who
Remains deeply unpopular with
The british public.
While protesters tuesday night
Projected the infamous photo of
President trump and convicted
Sex offender jeffrey epstein
Onto the castle walls.
John: yeah, pretty good, even
If, out of context, it's a
Little hard to tell what's going
On there.
Times is throwing a sexual abuse
Theme night.
Though I will say: it's a nice
Surprise to see a picture of
Epstein at windsor castle that
Isn't both framed, and in prince
Andrew's room.
Still: that does make me
Genuinely proud of the country
I'm worried I'm going to be
Deported to after this show
Airs.
Because we're going to dive
Straight in with our main story
Tonight, concerning the fact
That, on wednesday, this
Happened.
Overnight, abc pulling
Late-night talk show host jimmy
Kimmel off the air, hours after
A threat from the head of the
Federal communications
Commission.
Brendan carr called for kimmel's
Suspension over comments earlier
This week on "jimmy kimmell
Live" about conservative
Influencer charlie kirk's death.
Abc pulling the plug.
A spokesperson for the network
Saying, "'jimmy kimmel live'
Will be preempted indefinitely."
President trump weighing in,
Calling the decision "great news
For america."
John: yeah, abc pulled jimmy
Kimmel's show indefinitely, and
The president apparently thinks
It's "great news for america,"
Which is just a weird response
To have.
Not, to be fair, the weirdest
Response he had to anything this
Week, given he described his
Dinner with the royals by saying
He ate, and I quote, "whatever
The hell they served us."
But still: pretty f*cking weird.
And look... Kimmel's now one of
Many who've faced consequences
For comments in the wake of
Charlie kirk's m*rder eleven
Days ago, with workers being
Fired, or placed on leave, over
Posts about him.
And very quickly: I was honestly
Inclined to wait to engage with
The back-and-forth over who
Charlie kirk was and what his
Legacy will be.
At least in part because we're
Taping on saturday.
His funeral hasn't even taken
Place yet.
What I will say is: a person
Getting shot is tragic, and a
Person getting shot for their
Ideas is horrifying.
That's true, no matter what
Those ideas are.
I also recognize that for many
Especially those who were the
Targets of some of kirk's ideas
It's been hard to stay quiet
As they see flags lowered to
Half staff, and hear claims he
Debated things the right way.
But setting all that aside, it
Does seem like some are not
Willing to weaponize kirk's
Death to do things they've been
Wanting to do for years,
Whether it's going after liberal
Groups, trans people, or their
Remaining critics in the media
Under some shamelessly flimsy
Pretexts.
All of which brings us back to
Jimmy kimmel.
Because look, it's not news that
The administration's been
Wanting to get rid of shows like
His.
In fact, it's such an open
Secret that, last sunday, when
We won an emmy for writing, one
Of our writers opened his
Thank-you speech with a line
Followed by a cutaway that now
Feels pretty prescient.
Thank you so much, we share
This category.
We are honored to share it with
All writers of late-night
Political comedy while that is
Still a type of show that's
Allowed to exist.
[Cheers and applause]
[In studio audience laughing and
[Applauding]
John: yeah, that's pretty
Eerie.
Now, obviously, our writer
Daniel didn't know the future.
On some level, that's just a
Coincidence, like when a young
Shirley temple accepted an oscar
In 1935 by saying, "thank you
Very much for this.
On january 28, 1986, the
Spaceship challenger will suffer
A catastrophic failure, k*lling
Seven people."
Y'know, spooky stuff.
But it's not "just" a
Coincidence... Because everyone
Knew the administration had it
In for kimmel.
Even daniel knew that.
And to be honest, he doesn't
Know a ton of stuff.
Two weeks ago, he was arguing
That alfred molina is more
Famous than bad bunny.
He's a very good writer.
But he's wrong about a lot of
Things.
And for what it's worth, he'll
Never be speaking publicly on
Our behalf ever again, because
We're now terrified he's going
To drop another f*cked-up
Fortune cookie.
But the pretext that's been used
To indefinitely suspend kimmel's
Show is laughably weak.
Because while you may've seen
Headlines saying he got in
Trouble for remarks about
Charlie kirk himself, or even
Remarks about his death, that's
Not strictly accurate.
The comments that got him in
Trouble weren't about kirk - in
Fact, kimmel's first comments
After his m*rder were a post
Reading, "can we just for one
Day agree that it is horrible
And monstrous to sh**t another
Human?
On behalf of my family, we send
Love to the kirks and to all the
Children, parents and innocents
Who fall victim to senseless g*n
Violence."
What got kimmel in trouble was a
Passing reference on monday
Night.
Now, at the time, there were
Still rumors flying around
Regarding the k*ller's
Motivations, including that he
Was on the far right...
Something kimmel alluded to like
This.
We hit some new lows over the
Weekend with the maga g*ng
Desperately trying to
Characterize this kid who
m*rder*d charlie kirk as
Anything other than one of them,
And doing everything they can to
Score political points from it.
John: yeah.
That was it.
Weirdly, I was actually a guest
On his show that night, and I
Didn't even register that
Comment... And that's only
Partly because I wasn't really
Paying attention.
And I'm not alone.
After kimmel's suspension, many
Struggled to pick the offensive
Line out of his monologue, as
Youtube is filled with comments
Under the video like, "I am
Still waiting for the offensive
Part?, " " What did he say that
Got him fired?
I'm rewatching the last week of
Episodes and haven't heard it
Yet," and one viewer from the
Netherlands saying...
[Doing netherlands accents]
"It is even in the dutch news.
With a link to this.
I watch this almost everyday for
A year now to stay covered for
America news with a humoristic
Flow."
The point is, kimmel didn't
Denigrate charlie kirk or make
Light of his k*lling.
The worst thing you could say is
That he appears to have been
Wrong about the sh**ter's
Ideology, which - okay!
But he was also pointing out
That many on the right seemed
Desperate to weaponize kirk's
Death, an argument that's aged
Pretty well, given, y'know,
Everything that's happened to
Kimmel since.
Because that one line set off a
Firestorm in some corners of
Conservative media, and on
Wednesday, brendan carr, the
Chair of the fcc and james
Cromwell minus the raw sex
Appeal, went on a right-wing
Podcast and said this.
You know, when you look at
The conduct that has taken place
By jimmy kimmel, it appears to
Be some of the sickest conduct
Possible.
Frankly, when you see stuff like
This, I mean, look, we can do
This the easy way or the hard
Way.
These companies can find ways to
Change conduct to take action,
Frankly, on kimmel or there's
Going to be additional work for
The fcc ahead.
And, frankly, it's really sort
Of past time that a lot of these
Licensed broadcasters themselves
Push back on comcast and disney
And say "listen, we are going to
Preempt, we are not going to run
Kimmel any more until you
Straighten this out, because we
Licensed broadcasters are
Running the possibility of fines
Or license revocation from the
Fcc if we continue to run
Content that ends up being a
Pattern of news distortion."
John: yeah... "We can do this
The easy way or the hard way."
As threats go, that's pretty
Clear.
It's like if someone threw a
Brick through your window with a
Message that said "shut up or
Else," then followed it up with
More clarifying bricks, saying
"By 'or else' we mean we will
Hurt you physically, " then " this
Is the mafia, by the way,"
Followed by "you know, like in
'Goodfellas.'"
In the wake of those remarks,
Nexstar, one of the largest
Owners of tv stations in the
Country, announced it'd be
Pulling kimmel from its
Stations.
That, in turn, seems to have
Triggered his suspension by abc.
Now, a key thing to know about
Nexstar is that they have a big
Incentive to keep both carr and
The trump administration happy
Right now.
Because nexstar currently
Controls, or provides services
To, 201 local tv stations.
But they're trying to buy tegna,
A major competitor, and need
Approval and regulatory changes
From the fcc for that deal to go
Through, as it'd mean their
Reach would grow to 80% of us
Households... Which is more than
Double the fcc's current 39%
Cap.
All of which is a little
Strange, because neither company
Sounds like they should be
Providing television at all...
Nexstar sounds a bankrupt flip
Phone manufacturer, and tegna
Sounds like, I'm sorry to say,
An absolutely gorgeous italian
Restaurant.
The point is, nexstar badly
Needs fcc approval.
So it's hardly surprising that
When carr specifically said
Companies should pull kimmel off
The air or face consequences, it
Quickly complied.
Basically, brendan carr said
"Jump!"
And nexstar took his d*ck out of
Their mouth for just long enough
To say "how high, exactly?"
Now, I should say: nexstar
Insists it acted unilaterally,
And that they had no
Communication with the fcc or
Any government agency prior to
Making their decision.
But I'll remind you: they didn't
Need to communicate directly.
Carr essentially told them what
He wanted to happen on a
Podcast, then they
"Unilaterally" decided to do it.
And it wasn't just nexstar.
Because following that, sinclair
Broadcasting... Another major
Owner of tv stations, who are
Also apparently exploring merger
Options that would require fcc
Approval... Announced they, too,
Wouldn't air kimmel's show.
And sinclair even cited carr's
Remarks in their statement,
Saying, "we appreciate fcc
Chairman carr's remarks today."
And come on, sinclair!
As I believe olandria once said
To huda on love island, "don't
Embarrass yourself going too
Hard for a man."
That's just solid advice for the
Islands of love and business.
And it's not like carr himself
Was trying to dissuade people
From connecting the dots here,
As when one media reporter asked
Him for a comment, he sent back
A smiley emoji, and when cnn did
The same, this is what they got.
I don't know if you saw the
Reaction, the response that
Brendan carr, the chairman of
The fcc, gave to brian stelter
When brian stelter asked him for
A reaction or response to abc's
Pulling kimmel off the air.
We're putting it on the screen.
It's a meme.
It's from "the office."
And that's... That was the
Actual response by the chairman
Of the fcc.
John: very cool.
Just when I thought this factory
Settings white man couldn't get
Any hotter, he whips out the
Office gifs.
And look, I like the office, who
Doesn't like the office?
Sure, I could've done without
Seasons eight and nine, but if
It's on at a hotel, I'm not
Kicking it out of bed.
That said, I want you to run
Through your friend list in your
Head right now and pick out the
Person most likely to text you a
Gif from the office.
Do you have them in mind?
They're your least favorite
Friend, right?
Be honest... They're the one you
Invite to stuff just because
You're afraid no one else will
Show up.
They're a third string friend,
Your backup's backup.
And if you're thinking there's
Nothing wrong with sending
Office gifs, I'm afraid that
Person is you.
And it didn't stop there... When
Someone posted "this is all in
Project 2025," carr replied with
They posted
This meme of jack nicholson
Grinning and nodding.
Fun fact: the person he was
Replying to?
Artie from glee.
And what a fun detail for
Historians.
I can picture future textbooks
Now: after the fcc chair took a
sh*t on the first amendment, he
Trolled a former glee cast
Member on x, a social media
Platform owned by the richest
Man in the world and father to
Most of you reading this."
And at this point, I should
Probably formally apologize to
Ajit pai, fcc chairman during
Trump's first term, who I
Repeatedly made fun of for being
The dorkiest man ever to hold
The job: I simply didn't know
How much worse things could get.
So I'm sorry I made fun of your
Big dumb mug, and I'm sorry we
Made this even bigger mug as a
Joke.
[Cheers and applause]
From now on I promise we'll only
Use it in the appropriate way,
To hold the amount of alcohol I
Need to get through each news
Day.
But while carr clearly had fun
Winking at his involvement,
Firing off gifs, once kimmel was
Suspended, he went on tv to
Suggests this was actually a
Spontaneous, grassroots
Movements.
This action today by nextstar
And sinclair, frankly, is
Unprecedented.
I can't imagine another time
When we've had local
Broadcasters tell a national
Programmer like disney that
"Your content no longer meets
The needs and the values of our
Community."
So, this is a important turning
Point.
John: ok, everything he just
Said there is wrong.
First: there's actually a long
History of local broadcasters
Refusing to carry national
Programs, and it's not an
Especially pretty one, from a
Station in the south refusing to
Carry sesame street because it
Had a multiracial cast, to one
That refused to show ellen's
Sitcom when she came out as g*y.
Those decisions don't tend to
Date well.
But more than that... Claiming
This is simply "local
Broadcasters" responding to
Their community values is pretty
Given this wasn't a bunch of
Independent stations taking a
Stand, it was two of the biggest
Local tv ownership groups in the
Country, making sweeping
Decisions for all the affiliates
They own.
Calling these companies "local
Broadcasters" is like describing
Coca-cola as a "neighborhood
Soda shop" or boeing as a
"Mom-and-pop plane crash
Business."
It makes no sense.
[Laughter and applause]
Look: the sequence of events
Here could not be clearer,
Because it was all done in plain
View: carr leaned on
Broadcasters to take down
Kimmel, they did that, sometimes
Even directly citing carr while
Doing so, and then carr
Celebrated with a fun gif.
That sure seems like a pretty
Clear case of the government
Pressuring companies to censor
Speech, and it's not like even
Trump is trying to hide it, as
On thursday, he said this to
Reporters.
The late night host is on
Network television, there is a
License.
I'll give you an example.
I read someplace that the
Networks were 97% against me.
I got 97% negative.
And if they're 97% against, they
Give me only bad publicity, or
Press...
I mean, they're getting a
License, I would think...
Maybe their license should be
Taken away?
It would be up to brendan carr.
John: wow.
That's probably not something
You should say out loud.
But then, this is a man who
Doesn't seem to have an internal
Monologue.
In fact, he ended that press
Gaggle on the plane, saying,
"Fly safely.
You know why I say that?
Because I'm on the flight.
Otherwise, I wouldn't care."
No message has ever entered his
Head without being delivered
Through his lips.
And look... I'm not the only one
Who sees a huge problem here.
Anna gomez, now the lone
Democrat-appointed member of the
Fcc, said, "what the
Administration is doing violates
The first amendment."
And even ted f*cking cruz, to
Use his full name, talked on his
Podcast about concerns regarding
What carr had done, while having
Some fun with voices.
And I gotta say, he threatens
It... He says, "we can do this
The easy way or we can do this
The hard way."
Yeah.
And I gotta say, that's right
Out of "goodfellas."
That's right out of a mafioso
Coming into a bar, going, "nice
Bar you have here.
It'd be a shame if something
Happened to it."
John: look, let's all
Agree: ted cruz is an incredible
Local talent, and should
Definitely quit his job right
Now and go do that instead.
But he was actually on his way
To making a bigger point.
I hate what jimmy kimmel
Said.
I am thrilled that he was fired.
But let me tell you, if the
Government gets in the business
Of saying we don't like what
You, the media, have said, we're
Going to ban you from the
Airwaves if you don't say what
We like, that will end up bad
For conservatives.
John: he's right.
He's just right.
And I'll say this: I still don't
Like that man ted cruz, but in
This unique clip of news on this
One thing, I must admit he's not
Completely full of sh*t.
The point is, a lot of people
Seem to think brendan carr went
Too far.
And it's worth talking about
Exactly how he's been taking
Action, and what the legalities
Of it are.
Because as he alluded to on that
Podcast interview, the fcc does
Have a very narrow ability to
Police content on broadcast
Television, in cases of what's
Called "news distortion."
Now, it's hardly ever used that
Power, as the bar to do so is
Incredibly high, carving out
Things like mere inaccuracy and
Errors stemming from mistakes...
Which seem to more than cover
What kimmel said.
And honestly, I don't think carr
Wants what kimmel said to be the
Standard here.
And I'm not sure sinclair does,
Either.
Because we've talked about
Sinclair before, and its
Longstanding tendency to push
Right-wing talking points.
And it's not like they've been
Consistently careful in their
Delivery of news.
One of their regular
Commentators is armstrong
Williams... Who also, by the
Way, actually owns a handful of
Stations operated by sinclair...
And he can be pretty
Conspiratorial.
Among other things, he's
Suggested on air that
Unexplained drone sightings last
December might've been evidence
Of a plot by the deep state
Against donald trump, and may've
Been an attempt to cancel the
Inauguration, and that columbia
University student mahmoud
Khalil may've been, quote, "at
New ahead of time about the
Events of october 7th and may
Have been "at the center of
Planning it."
And if brendan carr's standard
Which sinclair has cheered
On, remember... Is that someone
Cannot go on broadcast tv, in
The wake of a high-profile
m*rder, and inaccurately
Characterize who might've been
Responsible for it, then I have
Some terrible news for them.
Because in the wake of luigi
Mangione's arrest for sh**ting
United healthcare ceo brian
Thompson, williams was on
Broadcast tv with this analysis
Of the footage of the sh**ting.
It is obvious that, when
Mangione was on the phone for
Ten minutes, someone was giving
Him the location of brian.
So obviously, somebody else was
Involved, and law enforcement is
Not telling us everything.
So obviously, someone was giving
Him very detailed, insightful
Information about his
Whereabouts.
I'm sure that will be revealed
In time, but obviously, you
Could almost surmise that it was
An inside job, to a certain
Extent.
Oh, wow.
John: yeah, wow!
That aired on nearly two-dozen
Sinclair stations.
And I've been told repeatedly
This week that someone
Speculating about the
Motivations for someone's m*rder
Without having all the facts is
Grounds to have your license
Revoked.
I'll say this for kimmel: at
Least he didn't say the word
"Obviously" four times while
f*cking doing it.
And look: most experts will tell
You... If carr goes after
Stations that air kimmel for
"News distortion," he's
Extremely unlikely to succeed on
The merits.
But even the threat of an
Investigation, or a delay in
Reviewing a merger, can be
Enough to get companies to
Comply.
As one former fcc chair has
Said, carr's been very artful in
Not making formal decisions that
Are appealable to the court, but
Instead having these informal,
Coercive activities that are not
Appealable.
And the thing is, kimmel's by no
Means the first casualty in
Trump's attacks on free speech.
He's just the latest canary in
The coal mine... A mine that at
This point seems more "dead
Canary" than coal.
In fact, if I may quote my
Sesame street/svu crossover that
No one will take seriously, "we
Are knee-deep in dead bird right
Now."
But this kimmel situation does
Feel like a turning point... And
Not because comedians are
Important, but because we're
Not.
If the government can force a
Network to pull a late night
Show off the air... And do so in
Plain view... It can do a f*ck
Of a lot worse.
And I should say: we're very
Lucky at this show, to be in a
Different situation.
We're not on broadcast tv, we're
On cable.
And our parent company, warner
Brothers discovery, doesn't own
Broadcast networks, meaning we
Are much less susceptible to
Pressure from the fcc than, say,
Abc's parent company, disney, or
Cbs's parent company, paramount
Skydance.
That's obviously very good news
For us, and I don't see why that
Situation should change anytime
Soon.
We are back with what could
Be a colossal media merger
According to people familiar
With the matter.
Paramount skydance is preparing
A bid to buy warner brothers
Discovery.
John: f*ck!
sh*t!
f*cking sh*t!
f*ck it!
[Cheers and applause]
Okay, so...
It was fun while it lasted,
Guys.
[Laughter]
Whatever happens, let me say
Now: it's been the honor of my
Life to age like a haunted
Painting before your very eyes.
But look... Whatever happens to
Us, or to our parent company, it
Should be clear to everyone that
The first amendment is
Absolutely critical in this
Country.
That's something even brendan
Carr knows, given he once
Tweeted, free speech is the
Counterweight, it is the check
On government control, that is
Why censorship is the
Authoritarian's dream."
And I'm guessing that trump's
Currently enjoying this dream so
Much you could break his
Bedsheets in half.
As many have pointed out, there
Are chilling precedents all over
The world for what's happening
Right now.
In hungary, for instance, victor
Orban's steadily taken over the
Media since coming back to power
In 2010.
One of the first things his
Party did was adopt new media
Legislation as a "corrective"
For "leftist bias."
This required media to be
"Balanced," but the provisions
Were deliberately vague and
Equivocal, and violating them
Could attract steep fines.
And if that's starting to sound
Familiar, it should!
It's no wonder trump's a fan,
Describing orban as "a great
Man, a great leader, " " a very
Strong man, " whom " some people
Don't like because he's too
Strong."
And I've never been more sure
That someone told trump orban's
A "strongman" and he just
Couldn't get his head around how
That could be a bad thing.
And in russia, when putin rose
To power, tv satirists were
Among his first targets.
One of the first things he
Did was to take control of
Television because more than 90%
Of russians got all their news
From television.
During the yeltsin years,
Independent television channels
Like ntv flourished.
Ntv has a comic show called
Kukly "puppets," and when putin
Comes to rise in public life, it
Features a putin puppet as well.
And he's never portrayed very
Flatteringly...
♪ ♪
Putin apparently was driven to
Madness by the show and by the
Way he was portrayed on it, the
Way he was mocked on it.
John: and that is so
Pathetic.
I don't know how anything a
Puppet show could possibly do
Could end up being more
Embarrassing for a world leader
Than them freaking out about it
So much that, years later, a
Journalist solemnly says, "the
Man was driven to madness by
Puppets."
But putin did hate that show,
And that independent network, to
The point he eventually sent
Armed operatives to raid their
Parent company's offices, and
Forced it to sell the tv station
To a "kremlin-friendly
Oligarch."
And today, some russians look
Back at that as one of the key
Moments when they should've
Stood up... Like this
Journalist, who eventually left
The country.
The first alarm that we
Should have noticed was in 2001,
When ntv, the independent
Channel, was taken over.
Staff arriving for work were
Told their offices and studios
Were off limits unless they
Signed an oath of loyalty to
Ntv's new managers.
I remember how frustrated and
Angry we were, and we even went
To the protest rally.
But then it was cold, and we had
So many other independent tv
Channels, so we just went home
And forgot about that.
John: yeah, that's tough to
Hear in hindsight.
But the lesson is: it's not safe
To let attacks on one show slide
Because there are currently
Others.
And I know I've literally said
These exact same words about the
Cancellation of "dr. Odyssey","
But I promise this situation is
Genuinely worse.
And look, it's important that as
Of typing, kimmel is just
Suspended, not actually
Canceled.
So abc, and its parent company
Disney, still have a chance to
Do the right thing.
And I get that the easier path
For them right now is to keep
Him off the air, to keep the
Administration off their back.
Though I'll point out... That
Was the argument for abc paying
Trump $15 million last year, and
How did that work out for them?
And the thing is, if the trump
Administration overplays its
Hand, and this winds up in
Court, disney would probably
Win.
Especially because... While
Carr's usually pretty cautious
The mistake he's made in this
Case is doing everything out in
The open.
And there's strong precedent
Here... Just last year, in a 9-0
Ruling, the supreme court found
That a government official
Cannot coerce a private party to
Punish or suppress disfavored
Speech.
That's from this supreme court,
Remember!
All of them!
Yes, even that one!
So what needs to happen?
Well, I'd argue that, ideally,
Congress should pass legislation
Sharply limiting fcc chairs'
Ability to sit on things like
License transfers or mergers, so
That can't be used as a means of
Controlling content.
Until that happens, carr will
Still have tools to pressure
Companies.
But as for disney, I'd argue
They need to stand by kimmel and
His staff.
And there are ways that you can
Encourage them to do that.
You could exert pressure on them
By canceling disney plus, or
Hulu.
Google searches on how to do
That have skyrocketed in the
Past few days.
And you can be specific, because
It turns out, there's actually a
Box when you cancel where you
Can tell them exactly why you're
Doing it.
So you could easily write, say,
"Cowardice in the face of
Pressure," or refusing to
Protect freedom of speech or
Donald duck's corkscrew p*nis...
Also the kimmel thing, I mean, a
Little bit the kimmel thing...
But mostly disney's silence
Regarding donald duck's
Anatomically accurate corkscrew
p*nis.
Which, I'll remind you, looks
Like this.
We made that for a show years
Ago on... And this is true...
China's one-child policy, and
Don't think we're not going to
Bring it back at every
Opportunity.
But it really shouldn't take the
Threat of lost revenue to bring
Disney to its senses.
And given that, at least as of
Today, I still happen to have
This desk... I'd like to take
This opportunity to talk
Directly to disney ceo bob iger.
High there, bob.
We haven't met, but you probably
Know me as america's
Third-favorite zazu.
Congratulations on recasting
That role, by the way... It was
A fun thing to learn about after
The fact.
Anyway: one day, the history of
The time we're living through is
Going to be written.
And when it is, I'm not sure
It's those in this
Administration who are even
Going to come off the worst.
Now, don't get me wrong...
They're going to come off
Terribly.
But history's also going to
Remember the cowards who
Definitely knew better but still
Let things happen... Whether for
Money, convenience, or comfort.
And I know this is something of
A tough sell... And it can be a
Bit of anathema to risk-averse
Business leaders... But I'll say
This: if we've learned nothing
Else from this administration's
Second term so far... And I
Don't think we have... It's that
Giving the bully your lunch
Money doesn't make him go away,
It just makes him come back
Hungrier each time.
They're never going to stop.
They've literally said that
Openly.
After kimmel's suspension, trump
Posted, "that leaves jimmy and
Seth, two total losers, on fake
News nbc.
Their ratings are also horrible.
Do it nbc!!!"
And carr's hinted that the view
Might be next.
The f*cking "view!"
At some point, you're going to
Have to draw a line.
So I'd argue why not draw it
Right here?
And when they come to you with
Stupid, ridiculous demands,
Picking fights that you know you
Could win in court, instead of
Rolling over, why not stand up
And use four key words they
Don't tend to teach you in
Business school.
Not "okay, you're the boss."
Not "whatever you say goes."
But instead, the only phrase
That can genuinely make a weak
Bully go away.
And that is: "f*ck you, make
Me."
[Cheers and applause]
And now, this.
And now, "inside edition" is
Still the greatest tv show on
Earth.
Next, identical twins,
Talking in sync.
Wow.
He's got a g*n.
And, what's hiding in the
Carpet.
Plus...
Look at those g*ns!
Next.
Bee stings in the mouth.
Please help me.
And...
Sharks can dance?
Who knew?
And...
Not again.
The sorority girl, arrested
Again.
And, watch out.
Plus...
Ding dong: gator calling!
And he's got a buddy with him.
And come up pregnant
Meghan markle twerking.
It then, did someone order a
Pizza?
The delivery dude who walked up
On stage.
M, give me out of here.
Literally the door won't
Open.
Trapped in the bathroom.
The underwriter model, how he
Made worldwide news as a baby.
John: moving on.
Before we go, a quick word about
Children's entertainment.
What this show is...
If you're a terrible parent.
Kids' entertainment has brought
Us iconic characters like this
Tickle freak, this mouthy swine,
This topless rat, this pantsless
Oaf, this g*y icon, this lazy
b*tch, this sex offender this
Future incel, and dora.
But while many characters are
Internationally famous, I'd like
To introduce you to a
Lesser-known one specific to
German kids' tv, bernd das brot,
Or "bernd the bread."
He's a depressive loaf of bread
Who's been around since 2000,
Appearing in multiple shows,
Usually alongside a sheep named
Chili and a nerdy bush named
Briegel.
And while they're the upbeat
Characters you expect from kids
Tv, bernd is a little different.
Here he is interacting with his
Friends.
See bernd?
That wasn't so bad after all!
No.
My day has been hell.
Come on, berndi!
Chili is right!
Why don't you just enjoy a nice
Break with us?
Mhm!
My life is hell.
John: yeah, this is for
Children!
Most kids' characters teach you
Things like how to share, or
Clean up your toys, but the only
Thing bernd's teaching kids
There is how to be a b*tch to
Your closest friends.
And don't get me wrong, that's
An important life skill.
If you can't be a b*tch to your
Best b*tches, they're not the
b*tches for you.
Very basically, bernd is
Fatalistic, anti-social, and
Chronically depressed.
He's got hands but no arms, the
Under eye circles of a new
Mother, and looks like he knew
Say anything.
And "my life is hell" is
Actually one of his popular
Catchphrases, which also
Include: I would like to leave
This show" and "mist!," Which
Means "crap!."
This guy is a real downer.
Here's a new year's speech that
Bernd once delivered on, again,
Kids' tv.
Every time you think, "it
Can't possibly get worse next
Year," it turns out even worse
Than worse.
Worse in a worse way.
Well.
Believe me, it's going to be...
Hell.
A new year starts, forget all
Resolutions, abandon all hope.
Just dig a hole and climb into
It.
John: he's incredible!
That's a loaf of bread out of
Exactly two things: "arms" and
"f*ck left to give."
Bernd genuinely may be the most
German thing I've ever seen.
But it turns out, he's not just
Miserable, he's actually
Revealed.
Heartbroken, as he once
Revealed.
A long, long time ago, I fell
In love with a beautiful slim
Baguette.
She was so incredibly charming
And witty.
But sadly, my love was
Unrequited.
She only had eyes for that damn
Multigrain loaf with its 10
Different types of grain.
It was so...
Depressing.
Oh.
John: it's true!
Bernd's nursing a broken heart.
He just wants to get back
Together with a slinky french
Baguette, and who can blame him?
The baguette's hands down the
Most f*ck bread.
That might actually be the
Problem.
You need to aim lower, bernd.
A loaf like you can't hold onto
A baguette, that's basically a
Victoria's secret model.
And if you're wondering what
State of mind someone would have
To be in to come up with this
Character, bernd's creators have
Said he was developed after they
Just watched a very gloomy
Russian theater production.
They went to a restaurant, and
One of them pointed at the bread
On the table and mumbled "bread
Is funny."
And while that's already a
Fantastic origin story, what's
Even better is that bernd was
Actually a last-minute
Replacement for a different
Character, and I'll let one of
The creators fill you in why
They needed to make a switch.
We already had a stunt sheep
Named "chili" and a nerdy bush
Named "briegal" and we had an
Antagonist named "cactus
Kazulka," and later carl the
Cactus.
But the cactus was quickly
Scrapped because with his
Military cap and the raspy
Voice, and especially his one
Raised cactus arm, he reminded
Us very uncomfortably of a
Certain heir hitler.
Yikes.
John: yeah!
Yikes indeed!
And I gotta say... I don't even
See the resemblance there,
Though I will defer to the
Germans on this one.
But despite all that, bernd
Became a big hit!
He's been the star of over a
Dozen shows.
He won the german equivalent of
An emmy.
And there's even this
Magnificent statue of him in
Erfurt, germany.
Fun side note: it was actually
Abducted in 2009.
And a group of anarchists later
Claimed responsibility for the
Abduction.
Slightly less fun side-note:
They were battling the city over
Squatting rights after their
Eviction from an abandoned
Factory, where crematorium ovens
Were once constructed for n*zi
Death camps.
Anyway, bernd's statue was
Thankfully found a few weeks
Later, which led to this
Incredible photo of german
Police rescuing him from an
Abandoned building.
Look at him!
He looks like he's crowdsurfing
At a military funeral.
And for the record: when I die,
I want my coffin to look exactly
Like that.
Put me in das ground in das
Brot.
But where bernd found his
Biggest audience was actually in
Late night.
Apparently, the german kids
Channel kika had no overnight
Programming, so they started
Running bernd clips on a loop
All night, and german adults
Quickly got obsessed with him.
Then, kika started creating
Bernd content specifically for
That slot known as "the
Nightloop," which has featured
Him floating through space and
Complaining, something that
Proved confusing to people who
Caught the broadcast without
Context, as shown by this reddit
User who asked, "non german
Here.
What the f*ck is up with the
Space bread?"
"No seriously, I just saw it on
Tv, and now I can't sleep."
But others were smitten,
Including, incredibly, patti
Smith, who once posted a photo
Of bernd on instagram captioned,
"This is all I can stand."
And: hard agree on that one,
Patti.
The nightloop also shows bernd
Stuck in a white void, with a
Disembodied voice constantly
Taunting him.
The kika lounge.
Pure relaxation, all night long.
With your chill-out coach: bernd
The bread.
Sorry, what!?
This is the kika lounge!
This isn't a lounge, it's
Hell!
In white!
And I don't "chill," I rest.
Yes!
John: I love it so much!
"I don't chill, I rest" - I have
Never felt more seen in my
Entire life.
Look... I'm now obsessed with
This miserable bread.
Partly because we're so similar:
We both work in late night, we
Both know what it's like to be
Taunted while trapped in a white
Hell, and we were both conceived
After a night of grim russian
Theater.
I am bernd.
Bernd is me.
And I want him to be famous here
I want him to go through the
Jennifer hudson spirit tunnel
And give them absolutely
Nothing.
I want him to stare at scott
Pelley and say "my life is hell.
Turn off das clock."
I want him on hot ones, hearing
The next sauce is called atomic
Tumor monkey, and silently
Drowning himself in milk.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
But please, joe rogan.
Talk to this bread.
You could be the first american
Outlet to speak to bernd.
Or maybe the second, because
It's occurred to me: bernd and I
Could probably meet in a neutral
Place familiar to both of us.
After all, i, too, know my way
Around a blank void.
Because please, come with me.
I am pretty sure I know where to
Find him.
[Cheers and applause]
Should be somewhere over here.
Wow.
There he is!
Mr. Bernd, I am terribly sorry
To disturb you.
Bernd: why are you?
John: my name is john and I
Host a comedy show on hbo.
Bernd: comedy?
I hate comedy.
John: you might like our
Show.
Bernd: doubtful.
Here is a joke for you: hope.
John: you are exactly how I
Thought you would be.
Bernd:
Well, well, well, look what
The cat dragged in.
John oliver.
John: hello there.
This is new.
You going to introduce me to
Your new friend?
Bernd: we are not friends.
I already love this guy.
John: void, this is bernd.
He is a depressed piece of
German bread.
We are meeting for the first
Time.
Don't ruin this.
It's a big deal for me.
Void: got.
Hey bernd come to guess how
Burned he has.
Don't do that.
John: 64?
Void: brutal.
Bernd: 70?
Void: he said 70, john, and
He wasn't kidding!
That seems like a real gas.
Bernd: of course it was.
John: that's quite painful.
Void: oh sh*t!
You just got your a*s handed to
You by brad, john!
Bread!
Bernd: void?
Void: s, bernd?
Bernd: I don't like you.
Go away.
Void: no problem at all.
I got everything I wanted out of
This.
John: okay, well it was an
Absolute pleasure meeting you,
Mr. Bernd.
Bernd: wake?
John: because...
Well...
You know...
Bernd: I really, really
Don't.
John: god, you are
Absolutely incredible.
Bernd: my life is hell.
John: that's our show, thank
You so much for watching.
Goodnight!
Void: I'm back now that
That as*h*le's gone.
Bernd: I prefer him to you.
Then again, I would also prefer
A root canal to you.
Void: so...
Do you know christoph waltz?
Is he nice?
I hear mixed things.
[Sides]
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12x23 - Jimmy Kimmel Suspension
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American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.