01x04 - Special

[bunniefuu]

Hm.

Well... at the very least,

I think Strip-Clubs Miguel
had a good time.

Well, Strip-Clubs Miguel
always has a good time.

That's his whole thing.

Do you th... Do you think we should...

Yeah. Yeah, no, we should definitely.

Okay, so I can go out first.

- Right, and then...
- And then you will wait a few minutes

- and then you come out.
- Okay.

Just 'cause I, you know, we don't
want people to get the wrong idea.

- No, we don't want that.
- Or the right idea.

Sorry, I've never done this before.

Well, lucky for you,
I've done this about a million times.

Sex in a, uh, a printing store bathroom?

Printing store bathroom,
printing store utility closet,

- printing store employee break room.
- Wow.

I guess you could say I come here often.

- I'm gonna meet ya outside.
- All right.

Okay.

Yes.

Perfect distraction.

Bye.

Just a second!

Yeah.

I'm sure we're
on the same page about this,

but you probably just wanna
keep things casual... right?

Absolutely.

This is good, right?

Bro, this... is ideal.

It's just... she did
frame it as a question.

She didn't say that she wanted
to keep it casual, necessarily.

She asked me if I wanted to,
so now I'm wondering if...

Stop wondering, okay? Lose the wonder.

- No... you're right.
- Of course, I'm f*ck' right, man.

Steady sex, zero obligations.

You get to do it with Lindsay
and whoever else you want.

And she's the one that's suggesting it?

It's the Holy Grail of f*ck, man.

- And we don't have to get attached.
- No!

- We don't have to get feelings involved.
- Exactly.

- Just... sex.
- Yeah.

- There's nothing special about it.
- Special? Bro.

f*ck special!

Sex is always special for him.

He could be getting a dumpster blow job

from a snaggle-toothed prost*tute
named Chuckles.

He'd be madly in love by the time
she finished undoing his belt buckle.

Nuh-uh, no, no, no, no.

- That's the old Miguel.
- Yeah, that's not me anymore.

Oh, not since 12 minutes ago

when you were ready to start
pickin' out the name of your first child?

O-kay. That was just...

I was caught up in the moment.
This is what happens.

Uh, is that the same thing
that happened with me?

You know, when I let you go up my shirt

'cause I was trying to get back
at Rod for fingering that skank

from Holy Cross with the twitchy eye?

- Nice.
- And you promised

not to get weird after it.

And then, you wrote me those poems,

and some of them were,
like, bizarrely sexual.

About, like... "fragrant tulip buds"?

- Hey, it's not that weird.
- It's pretty f*ck' weird.

It was a long time ago! Is the point.

I was a kid.

- Things are different now.
- You're a man.

- I'm a man.
- Yeah.

Wow. That was...

- I should get going.
- Oh.

Okay?

Yeah, I just need
to prep for this meeting.

Oh... what's the meeting?

Um, you wouldn't be interested.

I'm asking.

I, uh, think I... may have
found my own business

to bring in.

- To the bank.
- Oh... Well, that, that sounds good.

- Is that good?
- Yeah, it is good. It is... very good.

- It's very good?
- Very, very good.

- Well, dang.
- If I can land it.

Well, you're not the only one
with life-changing professional news.

I finally get to do
my very own Staff Pick

- at the bookstore.
- Okay. What are you gonna choose?

Fitness Walking For Dummies.

It's a completely rigged process.

We just do whichever book
we've ordered too many copies of.

God, this is just like the night
I found out the Tooth Fairy

was actually just my dad rifling
through his wallet for small bills.

Truth hurts.

Uh, do you think that pizza place
at the end of your block is still open?

Ooh, I don't know. Let's find out.

Uhh.

You really think we should be doin' that?

- Going out for dinner?
- It's a slice of pizza.

Yeah, it's, it's probably better,
though, right, if we just

- keep things simple, keep it casual.
- I think we could

get a slice of pizza
without falling madly in love.

That's true.

Yeah... let's do it.

Nice...

pants.

- What the f*ck are you doing?!
- Oh, my God.

Okay, so, uh,
a dinner date, a sleepover,

and now you're dreamin'
about your future f*cking offspring?

Yeah, this is about as casual
as a brain aneurysm.

- I don't know what happened.
- Unless... Oh, my God!

Maybe she's in love with you.

Maybe it really is special.
Maybe she's special.

She's bein' sarcastic,
you cuckolded f*ck' infant.

I know. I, I was thinking
about it sarcastically, with sarcasm.

Hey.

- You, you leaving?
- I'm leaving, yes, um,

but it was nice to see you, as always.

Yes... Good.

High five.

I'd rather not.

Okay.

"So, the fire-juggling flounder
and the lion-taming eel,"

"with the snow crab on a unicycle
and the sea trout named..."

Emile!

"They went one and all,
yes, one and all they went

to the great, grand ocean circus
in the great, grand coral tent."

Mr. McGooch?

Ted... please.

- Okay, Ted. I'm sorry. I just...
- I had to tell you, The Bubbling Big Top?

I used to refuse to go to sleep

until my mother would read it
to me at least three times.

Please extend my sincerest
apologies to your mother.

No. She, she loved it.

I-I was actually wondering if maybe
you could sign copies for both of us?

Ah.

Should I make them out to?

I-I'm Lindsay and she's Joan.

Pleasure to meet you, Lindsay.

- I'm... I'm actually a writer, too.
- Ah.

Well, but grown-up stuff.

I didn't mean that to sound...
I, I love children's books.

It's a misnomer. "Children's books."

Name me a single piece of writing

that confronts the riddle
of human mortality

with more courage, more honesty,

than Goodnight, Moon.

"The quiet old lady... whispering 'hush.'"

Come on.

Camus, Sartre, Beckett...
compared to that?

Schoolboys.

The... quiet old lady
is supposed to be... death?

It's all supposed to be death.

The quiet old lady...
the bowl full of mush,

the three little bears sitting on chairs.

The bears are death, the chairs are death.

Children live much closer
to the true essence of life.

The darkness, the doubt, the dread.

Oh, wow.

I guess I... never thought of it that way.

It's been nice chatting with you.

I'm always excited to talk about death.

Alas... I must be off.

Hope to see you Saturday.

Uh, sorry, Saturday?

Midnight. 740 Ludlow. Tell no one.

So, I was flipping through
the Brown Alumni Magazine.

I usually don't even read it,
but then I saw the profile on you,

and I was so inspired by your story.

Jimmy showed me the article
and I was like, "Wait, I know that dude."

I was this guy's surfing teacher.

Uh, the teacher learned much
from the student, if methinks correctly.

Well, listen, I just wanted
to be here for the intros.

I will let my esteemed colleague
Jimmy take it from here.

Still recoverin' from my bachelor party.

Cardboard Jimmy was a champ.

Oh... good.

So, as I was saying,

I was so impressed
by all that you've done,

creating the 12th largest
juice brand in the world.

Number-one cruelty-free.

- I didn't realize that.
- That's great to know.

Oh yeah, and we don't test
our sh*t on bonobos and whatnot.

I'm, I'm very firm on that.

Well, and I think it's exactly
that commitment to your vision...

And I wanna m*rder Snapple.

- What's that?
- I said I want to m*rder Snapple.

That's the other part of this.

I want to take a pillow
and hold it over its face

until it, it goes lifeless, and it dies.

Can you help me do that?

I believe you have the potential
to outperform any of your competitors.

You just need the right partner.

Someone who has relationships
to key players in private equity

to get you the capital you need
to make Squez... a fruit juice empire.

Wait until you hear
what I wanna do to Ocean Spray.

Why don't I grab us another round
and you can tell me all about it?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looks like a fun meet.

Do you know, uh, Squez Juice?

Of course. Can't live without
my daily Berry Bonanza.

That's the guy.

It's always the weirdos.

Uh, hey, can I get another round
of, uh, Johnnie Walker Gold, please?

Sure.

- You're in finance.
- How'd you guess?

Armani jacket, Ferragamo shoes,
criminally overpriced Scotch.

- Well.
- I know the type.

I'm at Lehman. Arbitrage.

Winnicott. Analyst.

Oh, you're a baby.

Not quite.

My home number is on the back.

Oh.

I'm sorta seein' someone.

You f*ck' rube!

But it's casual.

It's very casual.

Well... casual works for me.

Ask if they have walnuts.

Whole nuts.

I brought my own nutcracker.

Walnuts?

Hey.

Should probably go.

I've got a... a ton of work
to get through this weekend.

Oh... okay.

Oh, hey, how did the big meeting go?

Pretty great, actually.

I mean... still need
to put together a deal, but.

But then you get to be assistant.

Associate.

Which is... better than assistant?

There is no assistant.

There's analyst
and then there's associate.

Well, in that case, yay!

No.

- I used to love reading this book.
- Yeah, me too.

You know, he did a reading
at the store the other day.

Yeah, I introduced myself
and told him I was a writer.

- No! You met Mr. McGooch?!
- Yeah.

God. My six-year-old self
is seething with envy.

He was actually... kind of amazing.

And I think... talking to him...
might've made me realize that I

kinda wanna...
try writing a children's book.

There's a lot more to them
than people realize.

Yeah... why not?

Yeah, why not?

I used to read this
to my little brother.

He was obsessed.

Right after my mom died,
my dad worked two jobs,

and I had to take over
the whole bedtime routine.

- How old were you when...
- I was 10.

And then we had to move,
and that... sucked.

How come?

- Well, we lived in Westchester.
- It's, like, the suburbs.

But when my dad couldn't swing
two jobs and two kids by himself,

we had to move to Queens.

Why Queens?

It's where he grew up,
in Jackson Heights.

It was like my whole life
had been this one way,

and then, all of a sudden,

it wasn't.

My Spanish was sh*t.

And I didn't know anybody.

Sorry.

Thanks.

I'll be right back, okay?

Hello?

Ugh.

No, for the last time,
there is no one here named Dave.

Please, you have
to stop calling, seriously.

What are you... doing later?

'Cause I have this thing I, I might go to,

but I was thinking maybe
we could grab dinner?

I mean, I realized earlier
that we've never actually eaten

- inside of a building together.
- Uh, I have plans already, actually,

with, uh, another...

- With someone else, so I can't.
- Oh.

Okay, well... rain check then, I guess?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd love that.

- I'll see ya later.
- 'Kay.

I'm glad you called.

Me too.

Welcome to the real Bubbling Big Top.

Rockin' atmosphere.

This is where I get all my ideas.

- Really? Ah.
- Hey, Emile.

Oh, my God, Emile.

I told you, children's literature

is much more complicated
than people realize.

Yes.

I...

I think... I think I wanna write one,

a, a children's book, I mean.

I... I wanna write
the kind of... children's book

I wish I had... when I was a kid.

What kinda book would that be?

Well, growing up, I guess
I always felt like kind of a...

Like a weirdo.

You know, I had all these
big ideas and feelings,

and... I just thought
that there was something

wrong with me, honestly.

I just wish I'd had a book to read
that told me that there wasn't.

That you don't always
have to be... good or nice.

I think... if I'd had that, my life
would've turned out a lot different.

As soon as you finish writing that book,

send it to me.

Really?

Really.

Um, h*-hold, hold on.

- What's wrong?
- Uh, I-I'm, I'm just wonderin' if maybe...

Hey... Hello?

- Who's that?
- Oh sh*t.

He wasn't supposed
to fly back until tomorrow.

- Who wasn't supposed to fly back 'til tomorrow?
- I'm j...

- What the f*cking f*ck, Jimmy?!
- Are you trying to f*ck my fiancée?!

- What?!
- Answer me, you f*cking traitor!

Are you tryna f*ck my fiancée
in my f*cking apartment?

I didn't know she was your fiancée!

Chad, please don't
do anything crazy, okay?

Not like last time.

You wanna f*ck her,
you sick f*ck' pervert?

- No.
- Go on. f*ck her.

- Don't let me stop you.
- I mean, if he's insisting.

Oh, I'm insisting all right.

And he's just gonna sit there and watch.

And I'm just gonna sit here
and watch with my pants off.

What choice do we have?

Wait a minute.

Not into it?

Oh, my God!

We said casual,
which I was totally okay with...

- Mm.
- I thought I was totally okay with,

but maybe part of me
always thought there was

something special... about her.

I don't know.

Thank you for listening.

Any time.

I hope this isn't rude of me to say, but

I don't understand how you guys can

do what you do.

I mean, don't you get jealous or?

You know our secret?

We have one unbreakable rule:

Honesty.

We tell each other exactly what we want.

No half-truths and no game playing.

Yeah, as long as we both
want the same thing, great.

And if we don't,

then we'll deal with that, too.

Look, I don't know
if you'd be interested in this,

but, uh, if you did wanna stick around,
we could start with some light ticklin'.

I'm good... thanks.

- Fair enough. Hm.
- Okay.

After everything I have done for you,

all that I have sacrificed,

all the hours I spent trying to graft some
semblance of testicles to your scrotum,

and you're just gonna...
You're gonna throw it all away!

- I knew he couldn't do casual.
- I said it from the beginning.

Except I can do casual, actually.

I could've had sex
with Rachel all night long.

- That is highly debatable!
- And I wouldn't have felt anything.

But it's different with Lindsay.

It's special... because she's special.

- What are you talking about?
- You felt the same thing with me.

- Maybe you were special, too.
- That is actually very sweet.

Okay, but that's the problem, Miguel.

You're not special...

- at all.
- Mm-hm.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

I hope you don't mind that I came by.

- N-No, it's great to see you, um.
- I don't have super long to talk, though,

just because the new Sue Grafton
joint just dropped, O For Outlaw,

and let me tell you,
we are "S" for screwed

because we don't have
the manpower to handle this.

No, no, no. This, this won't take long.

It's just, um, there's something
I need to tell you, um.

I was with someone last night.

Um.

Oh.

It, it didn't mean anything,
but it made me realize...

I, I just have to say,
I-I'm so glad that you brought this up

because I, too,
was with someone last night.

If we were gonna share that...
news with each other or.

It's actually someone you know...
sort of. It was... Ted.

McGooch... Yeah.

I mean, that's not
his real last name, but.

You were with

Mr. McGooch?

W-Where did you go? An underwater circus?

Yeah, actually.

I mean, it was above water, obviously,

uh, and it was less of a circus circus

and more of a sex club
with a circus theme?

I just have to say I-I'm...

I was really, really nervous
when we started this, you know,

because I was like,
"Can people even be casual?"

But

this is what I came to New York for,

to be free and to try
all kinds of new things...

Like you were saying,
it made you realize...

This was a mistake.

For us to get involved.

That's what I realized.

For a lot of different reasons,

we were better off as friends,

so

I think we should just

do that.

- Yeah, I mean, if that's...
- what you really want.

Absolutely.