01x06 - Armor

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me.

I really hope Derek didn't mess
things up for you. With your job?

No, not at all.

I'll make it up to them
once I land this client.

- Is, um, is this the juice guy?
- Yeah.

I just have to put together
a good investor presentation,

and, and if he likes it, then...

Free juice for life?

Free juice for life.

I had a really great time
with you... this weekend.

Me too.

And I'm really grateful
that you said what you said

because I wasn't brave enough
to be the first one to say it.

Now, I kind of feel like we could
tell each other anything,

and that's... really cool.

- You can't trust anything she says.
- Proven fact.

You should never have been
the first one to say... the thing.

- "I love you."
- We don't have to repeat it.

You're rushing into this.

- What're you thinkin' about?
- Nothing.

Now she knows
how f*ck' weak you are.

Nothing at all? Just... no thoughts?

- Oh, she's gonna eat you alive!
- Just blank.

- Hm.
- Yeah.

Seriously... I'm, I'm good.

I'm not rushing into anything.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Everything all right?

- Uh, yeah.
- I'm just feeling a little stuck.

I've been tryna figure out the ending
of this book for two weeks now.

I could help... if you let me read it.

I don't want you to see
any of it until it's actually...

- Until it's perfect?
- No.

Mediocre is what
I was going for, actually.

Hey... you know you don't have to go.

I have
the presentation tomorrow,

and I've already spent the night
three nights this week, so.

Huh... didn't realize
you were keeping count.

Okay. I was joking.

How 'bout I, uh, give you a call tomorrow?

- Bye.
- Bye.

Ah! What's going on?!

Get your sh*t! We have to go. Right now.

- Dave's back.
- Who-who's Dave?

Dave lives here. He owns this place.

- I didn't know we were subletting.
- We aren't.

Where the f*ck is my diaphragm?

It never felt like an ill*gal squat,
but I guess that's neither here nor there.

Yeah, squatting's sort of
independent of your feelings.

I-I promise I'm gonna start looking
for my own place right away.

There's no rush.

- Wow! Your room is so cute.
- Thanks.

Uh, that wasn't a compliment, dude.

Yeah. No woman wants to f*ck
a grown man with a cute bedroom.

You need to get her the f*ck outta here
before she sees all your humiliating sh*t.

Ah... this must be the infamous Yogurt.

- Hi! Oh! Oh, my God!
- No, no. I wouldn't...

Yeah.

- Good boy.
- Yeah, he's not great with people.

- Hey, it's okay. You're okay.
- Sorry.

There you go.

- What's this?
- Like a little inspiration wall?

- Uh...
- Yeah, I'm dyin' to hear you explain this sh*t.

No, tho-those are
just pictures that I, um...

- You what?
- ...that I found.

Yeah, I, I just... I like, I like
the way they look together, so I...

Is that an office?

That's the Corinthian.

- It's, um, it's a condo.
- It's kinda sterile.

Well, it has great amenities.

- What, what are these?
- Oh, great!

She found your dungeons and dork sh*t.

- Uh...
- f*ck!

Those are just from... my old job.

- I drew them.
- Game over, man!

You, you drew these?

Yeah, I, I thought I told you
I worked in video games.

Yeah, uh, but I just assumed you did,
like, video game finances or something.

I... I didn't know you were an artist.

- Well, it-it's not actually art.
- That's just what they call it.

- But it's...
- I love this guy.

- Oh, no, no! She found the wizard.
- Ah, there's no goin' back from this.

- What's his name?
- Cyprian.

And he's a wizard?

A sixth-level sorcerer
with ninth-level powers of necromancy.

He's... Yeah, he's basically a wizard.

- You never told me about any of this.
- I didn't even know you drew.

Well... it was a long time ago.

Oh, he's a magnificent artist.

And the things he would do
with papier-mâché.

Oh! Talk about a wizard.

So, you gave up all this
to... do... banking?

Well, he wasn't gonna draw
video games for his entire life.

He has goals.
He has things to accomplish.

I couldn't just do concept art forever.

I have goals.

It's just...

It wasn't me anymore.

Hi, hi, hi, hi!

Hi, friends. Hi.

Okay, so I know we're all
waiting on Xander Duggins,

and he should be arriving at any moment,

but in the meantime,

how would you guys
like to be part of a focus group

for a brand new, as-yet-unpublished,
work-in-progress story

about a fun friend
named Squid the Squirrel

who's tryna figure out who she really is
and where she really belongs.

Great. So there's no illustrations yet,

so we're just gonna have
to use our imaginations,

but, hey, that's twice the fun.
Am I right?

With the growth levels we're targeting,

even after you factor in
for supply volatility,

with the three Ps:

- Pineapple, Papaya, Passion fruit...
- I, uh,

uh, yeah, I have a question.

Well, we're actually, um,
timing the presentation right now

just to see how long it's gonna be
for when actually presenting to investors.

Should I stop the timer?

So I'm over here kinda wondering like,

"Does this guy even like juice?"

I... I like juice a lot.

What's your favorite blend?

- Uh...
- See? That should be split second.

Orange Kiwi Crisis. I blanked.

I can't have somebody sellin' my company

that's not on fire with juice.

- I am very much on fire.
- He's totally aflame.

So where's the passion? Huh?

'Cause I see numbers and I see graphs.

Well, you really want great graphs
in an investment presentation.

- f*ck graphs...
- Where's my Snapple k*ller?

Hey.

He's right here.

Okay?

Yeah, well, uh, unfortunately, Miguel,

I just don't see it.

Eight minutes and 32 seconds.

"But suddenly, it
struck her, like a bolt from on high",

"the owl had been wrong,
and so had the fly.

"Squid might've been different,
that much was true,

"but she was a squirrel,

a squirrel through and through."

So, uh, by a quick show of hands,

who here preferred that ending
to ending number one,

in which Squid discovers
that she is actually a squid

who was abducted
by a pair of well-meaning

but, ultimately, misguided
squirrels with fertility issues?

- What's fertility?
- Yes.

- I don't get it.
- Is she a squid or a squirrel?

Oh, that's what I'm trying to suss out.

- Yeah.
- Shouldn't you know what animal your main character is?

I could definitely
choose that on my own,

but, you know, I-I'm tryin' to...
see what you think.

So, ahem, maybe we should
just move on to ending three.

How many endings do you have?

I just want you to like her.

What do I need to do to make you like her?

Do you want her to be a squid,
or do you want her to be a squirrel?

Or do you want her to be
an Amazonian pygmy marmoset,

which I promise,
will make a lot more sense

once we get through ending six.

Oh!

Look, everybody! It's Xander Duggins!

Yay! Okay.

Great reading.

Yeah... thanks.

It's a wonderful book.

I actually have a book myself.

It's a... It's about a, a squid
who thinks she's a squirrel.

Or it... maybe it's about a s...
A squirrel who thinks that she's...

Honestly, I-I'm having
trouble figuring out what she is.

What do you want her to be?

I don't know.

Lately, I have just been feeling so...

Blocked.

Yes!

I was blocked on one book
for three and a half years.

Thought it was a writing problem.

Turns out it was more of a

"my ex-wife accused me
of caring more about inanimate puppets

"than my own children,
and the judge agreed,

"and now I'm essentially
penniless" problem.

Had to get past that,

and then I sat down
and finished that book in an hour flat.

H-How did you get unblocked?

Are you a cop?

Hey... so I guess it's just us.

Your dad had a teacher conference
in Delaware?

Whatchu doin'?

I blew my presentation today.

Chad and Kevin had to convince Trip
to come back tomorrow morning for a redo.

So, now I have to come up
with something to say

to show how passionate I am about juice,

or there's no chance I'm making
associate by the end of the year.

And we're sure
that's a bad thing, right?

It's just... you don't seem
to like it very much.

You know, your job.

I'm not going back to video games.

But... if you don't love what you do...

Most people don't get
to love what they do.

What do you love, exactly?

'Cause I don't really get
a whole lot of feelings from you.

You know, you'll open up to me
and you'll say all this stuff,

and then, all of a sudden,
you slam the door shut

and you're just gone.

I have no idea what you're thinking.

- People aren't always thinking things.
- You keep things from me.

Your drawings.

I'd never even seen your house
until I showed up at your doorstep

because I-I lost my apartment.

You all right?

It's expired.

It's two years old.

Oh, my God. It's, like, fermented.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Why is that worse than the juice?

Because it's... psilocybin.

It's what?

Magic mushroom tea?

Supposedly, it is very

- helpful in unblocking...
- It's drugs.

I just took drugs.

How much drugs did I just drink?

Well, I, I only took a few sips,
so not a small amount.

I've never done drugs.

Yes, I-I-I'm beginning to gather that.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm...

It'll be fun, I bet.

Still nothing?

Nope.

It's been an hour.

Maybe neither of us took enough.

Are you sure you didn't get a bad batch?

I did... purchase them
from a marionettist with a ukulele

in what sounded like
a terrible first marriage,

so...
definitely wouldn't surprise me.

Um, I'm gonna get some air.

Wait, but are we...

Are we totally sure that's a good idea?

If it was gonna happen,
it would've happened already.

Yeah... Yeah, you're probably right.

When did this game come out?

I feel like I should've heard about this.

Come. Your enemies gather.

Okay?

Yogurt?

Is that you?

Well, good evening and hello.

- Ned! No! Are you kidding me?
- My goodness!

We did just enough f*cking drugs
for you to show up?!

- What'd you expect, Linds?
- You wanted to dig deep, right?

Why are you deep inside me?

I'm your block.

- Surprise!
- No. No, it can't be.

You're filled with guilt
over what ya did to me.

You tried shovin' it all down,
but... I'm still here.

I don't feel guilty
about what I did at all.

- In fact, I feel great.
- You're stuck because you've written

a character no one could ever like.

A character who abandons
the creatures who love her

to go on some kind of
half-baked, coniferous Rumspringa.

And you can't decide,
is she a squid or a squirrel

or a sloth with a pituitary disorder

because she's not an animal at all.

She's a monster.

Just like you.

I'm not a monster.

Oh! Really, Linds?

What's in the suitcase?

Why don't you open it?

Ooh, give Miguel
a little peek while we're at it?

I'm sure he'd be
very interested in the contents.

Are you prepared
to face the battles ahead?

No.

Not at all.

I don't have any armor or... weapons.

You will.

- I hear the lawn mower.
- I guess Migwell's dad's working today.

Uh-oh, he's gonna cry.

- I'm not gonna cry.
- I don't feel anything.

I told you not to get weird.

I don't feel anything.

Hey, ese, I'm gonna
have to look in your backpack.

Miguel, you weren't
supposed to come home.

I don't feel anything.

Dad.

We need to be strong, Miguelito.

For Diego.

You need to be a big boy.

What would your mami say?

I don't feel anything.

Hi.

You've been gone a long time.

I missed you.

I can't really see anything.

Here.

Ooh, ow, ow! Ooh.
Something's digging into my rib.

Here. Just try to move.

- Miguel.
- I, I, I, I can't move.

I wanna get outta here.

- Miguel.
- I wanna get outta here.

I should go, um.

I wanna get outta here.

I don't want this.
I don't feel anything.

I can't feel anything.

Hey.

You're up?

I didn't know if I should
wake you or just...

I feel a lot of things.

So many... things.

And I'm sorry I don't
always show you that.

And... maybe I don't love banking.

Maybe it's okay
if I don't get the promotion.

Maybe it's okay if I never
live in the... Corinthian

or... drive a BMW

because

maybe it's not worth it.

You learned all that from drugs?

I learned all that from you.

And the drugs did help
provide confirmation.

- Well, sure.
- But, um, what about you?

Did you?

I didn't really get that much out of it.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Yeah, I th-think my... hair
felt kinda heavy at one point,

- but... that was pretty much it.
- That's so weird.

I didn't feel anything like that at all.

Hello?

Dude. It's Kevin. Where'd you go?

You need to get back here right now.

- Come back?
- You k*lled it this morning.

I've never seen
a presentation like it in my life.

I'll do anything.

Anything

for f*ck' fruit juice!

We should all get rid of our armor!

You're definitely making associate now.