01x07 - Baggage

[bunniefuu]

- Did we wake up at the same...
- I've been up since four.

Whoa!

PB&J instead of turkey?

I'm sorry, is it Christmas?

I'm leaving you.

Like, to run an errand?

Because if you're goin'
anywhere near the pharmacy,

I need some more cherry lozenges.

The lemon ones ya got me were too spicy.

- No, Ned, I...
- not leaving for the pharmacy.

I'm... leaving.

Forever.

But we're getting married in six days.

Yeah.

I think I'm gonna mess all that up?

- Oh. Don't worry, Yogurt.
- He'll be home so...

Fine. You know what? Forget it.

Non-identical.

You need a rhyme for tentacle, right?

"Nonidentical."

- N-o-n...
- Will you please shut up?

Believe me, Lindsers,
the last thing you want

is a muse who starts self-censoring.

- You are not my muse, Ned.
- You are my block.

Basically, the same thing.

God, I have not been able
to write a word since you showed up.

Well, it's not my fault ya can't write

because you feel terrible
about ruining my life.

- I didn't ruin your life.
- Well, you wouldn't know, would ya?

It's not like ya picked up
the ol' telephone to check in

on the good Dr. Ned
over the last eight months.

What kind of a person would
hold onto somethin' like that?

Eventually... you're gonna
have to deal with us, Linds.

'Cause we're here,
and we are not goin' anywhere.

It's not like you can just get rid of us.

What? What's that face?

No.

So, I'm now officially pre-approved.

- Wow!
- Hey!

Yeah, I have an appointment
to go see a one-bedroom next week.

- 27th floor.
- That's amazing.

- Yeah.
- This is at the Condom?

Ha-ha. You know it's
not called the Condom.

It's the Corinthian.

- Well, movin' on up in the world.
- Promotion, apartment.

So you guys moving in together?

- Oh, um...
- I, I mean, we-we've only been

going out a few months, so.

I really am gonna find my own place.

I've just been so distracted
trying to finish this book, you know?

But I think, today, I-I might've
had a breakthrough, actually.

- Hey, that's exciting.
- Mm-hm. Yeah.

Did he eat today?

I left him some treats out
at a reasonable distance,

- but Miguel says...
- You know how he gets

pukey with other people,
so it's just safer for me to do it.

Hey.

- Hey.
- What's that?

Oh, the game that I worked on,
the release party's tomorrow.

Fun! I wanna go. Can I go?

I'm not going.

What?! Miguel.

I haven't talked to anyone
there in, like, two years.

- So what? You helped make that game.
- They're celebrating you.

No, this was a completely
different part of my life.

Still, you can't just
run from your past.

Or shove it in a suitcase
and throw it in a dumpster

behind a Greek restaurant in Queens,

so to speak.

Only if you come with me.

We'll just have one drink.

Rooting around
in a public garbage receptacle

as if she's never heard
the words "Hepatitis C" before.

New low, Linds.

- I have to bring it back.
- I just want this to be over.

Ned is going to be furious
when he sees you.

You stole his mother's wedding dress.

The one in which you were
meant to wed her dear, sweet son.

- Not on purpose!
- You know, I-I just left in such a hurry,

I guess it got swept up with everything.

I mean, I forgot I even had it.

It's true!

- You're walking into trouble, Linds.
- Everyone loves Ned.

He's one of the most popular dentists
in all of southern Vermont.

The way you up and left?

Oh, you're gonna have to answer for that.

You're being dramatic.

Sure, I might have
to talk through a few things.

And, yes, my timing
was slightly less than ideal.

But once I calmly explain
why I made the choices I made,

everyone will understand.

You're gonna have to give
the performance of a lifetime.

Yeah? Well, just you watch.

Just... you... watch.

Booooo!

- I can't do this.
- I definitely can't do this.

I am so sorry.
I never meant to take your dress.

And I never meant to hurt Ned.
Please, please, please don't hate me.

Hate you?!

Ah! How could I hate you?

You brave, brave angel.

And what a dear, bringing my dress back.

And you're here for Syrup Nights.

- It's Syrup Nights?
- Come in. Have a cider.

Everyone's going to be
so excited to see you.

Uh... e-everyone?

Look who's here!

- Hi, I'm sorry. Hi, I know.
- I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry. Hi.

How are you?
You look like you're feeling better.

- I'm sorry.
- Lindsay?

Is it really you?

I...

You're walking so well.

Can't believe it!

- Let's... Can we just...
- Sure.

Ned, listen,

I wanted to apologize to you,
face-to-face, for everything that I did.

For... for leaving like that,
and for never calling...

Stop it right there.

I refuse to accept an apology from you.

I mean, how could I?

It wasn't your fault.

Lindsay,

when you blew up our life
with absolutely no warning,

and seemingly without a shred
of basic human decency,

that wasn't you.

You were in the grips
of a tick-borne psychosis.

So, you enter the room here.

You see

Fiona.

Do you approach her
or do you wait for her to see you,

like a f*cking peasant?

- I approach her.
- Yes!

You approach her hard
with a thick stack of business cards.

Well, maybe just one business card.

- Goddammit!
- I knew you weren't ready for this.

I just don't know why
I'd be giving her a whole stack of them.

How else are you supposed
to segue into the line,

"Looks like the odds
are stacked in my favor"?

- Why am I saying that?
- Dude! The whole point of this night

is to rub her nose
in the huge mistake she made.

I mean, look at you!

You got the job.
You got the girlfriend.

I'm gonna stick with one business card.

Bro, do you want tonight

to end in a sloppy ménage à trois
with Lindsay and Fiona or not?

Not.

Okay. Well, then I'm confused.

Tick-borne psychosis?

This really isn't a great time.

I have 30 dresses to finish
for the Maple Pageant.

You told everyone that I had
a tick-borne psychosis?

No!

You have to understand,
you left so suddenly.

People had already bought plane tickets
and gifts from your registry.

Oh, and you and Ned
seemed so perfect together.

The whole town was confused
about you abandoning it all

for some sort of... sweepstakes you won?

It was a short story contest.

I am the one who had to stay here
and face everyone... alone.

All of them asking the same question,

"Who on Earth would raise a daughter
that could do something like that?"

They actually asked you that?

With their eyes.

- Right.
- So, one night I saw a segment on Dateline

about Lyme Disease
causing seemingly well-adjusted people

to do seemingly insane things.

And the next day,
I was at the deli counter ordering,

and I wondered aloud... casually,
if maybe that happened to you.

- Mom!
- I didn't say it!

I wondered it!

But you know how this town talks.

Honestly, Ned's the one who ran with it.

The notion gave
that poor boy great comfort.

I didn't leave because I went crazy.

I left because I finally woke up.

- Well, I wouldn't know, would I?
- You barely call...

Because I know you
don't believe in anything I'm doing,

becoming a writer, moving to New York.

Must we get into all of this?

The bottom line is people
were furious with you when you left.

They were furious with me.

But when this story spread,

it made all of that go away,

and people liked you again,

which is all I've ever wanted for you.

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.

- Hey! Um, are you close?
- We should probably head out soon.

Listen, Miguel, I... I got

stuck at the bookstore.

Phil is sick.

Well... can't you get
somebody to cover for you?

Believe me, I tried.

Okay. I don't really know what to do.

I already RSVP'd.
I told people we were gonna be there.

I know. I'm sorry. I...

Do you think I wanna be here? Doing this?

Hey, psst, psst. What do we think?

Ooh, sorry. On the phone? Sor... Mm.

Who was that?

Listen, I'm really sorry,
but I-I-I have to go.

Bye.

- You know what?
- I'm gonna make one for you.

Well, well, well.

Color me impressed.

Making her feel guilty
for not being able to come

even though she doesn't have a choice?

Yes! Nicely done!

I'm an as*h*le.

Obviously, the calculus on the ménage
has become a little bit thornier,

but... I don't think it's impossible.

Where's my marker?!

Well, you better get going.

My bus doesn't leave
for another half hour.

We're really early,
so can we just pop by the morgue?

I wanna see Dad.

- Well, your father's very busy.
- You know, Christmas is almost here.

The bodies are piling up,

and the formaldehyde girl's
on maternity leave.

Okay. Well, I'll just run in.

- Your father and I are not speaking...
- at the moment.

What does that mean?

We have been living apart.

- Since when?
- Since a few months ago.

Your father made a mistake.

Not... with the formaldehyde...

Oh God, no. Of course not.

So, were you just gonna keep
this from me, like, forever?

Well, are you happy now that you know?

Who was that on the phone earlier?

It was my... boyfriend, Miguel.

You should've brought him along.

No, he doesn't know about any of this.

I mean, he... he knows that I have
an ex named Ned, you know?

He just doesn't know all the... details,

which I'm obviously gonna tell him.

I'm not keeping it from him.

I just... I haven't shared it... as of yet.

We're not so different, you and me.

I've said it a thousand times.

- I thought you were sick.
- No, I'm good.

But my dad is still messed up.

They think it might be testicular cancer,

but the old coot
won't let anyone see his nuts.

- Okay. Is, is Lindsay...
- Lindsay bailed on me.

She said she had some kind of
personal business to take care of.

Thanks.

- I knew it!
- I knew she was trouble.

Pull your jacket over your face
so no one can see you cry.

No, no.
Leave your jacket right where it is.

Nobody is crying a drop.

You got a party to go to.

- I'm not goin' to the party.
- Okay,

imagine when Lindsay comes home

from finishing up
whatever it is she's doing.

She's obviously
having sex with someone else.

And you're not sitting up
like some sad, little puppy dog.

No! You're at a party.

You are havin' the time of your life

with your exceedingly attractive
and exceedingly open to doing all kinds

of disgusting things
you don't even know ex-girlfriend.

She's hurt you for the last time.

- Enough is enough.
- There's that look.

Just when you thought it
was safe to go back in the water,

the tiger shark returns.

'Scuse me.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

No. You don't get to jump.

I hate you.

- Making this game without you sucked.
- I know.

- So, it's true what they say.
- You really are a banker now.

Yeah, I really am a banker.

You're like the nerd that went
to college and came back a stud.

Okay, I was always a stud.

I'm really sorry I didn't get
to finish the game with you.

Do you miss it?

Maybe a little.

Hey.

Hey.

I hereby take my leave, Linds.

You are officially unblocked.

You can go back to your book...
go back to Miguel, who's none the wiser.

I still don't know
how to end the book, though.

Oh, you'll figure it out.

Everyone's gonna love it.

Just like everything else you do.

That's why I'm stuck.

Trying... to make something
that everyone will love,

trying to be something
that everyone will love.

You're not my block.

I am.

Good luck with that.

Express to New York now boarding.

Linds?! Perfect timing.

We're just about to head to the Sap Ball.

Yeah.

I think I'm gonna mess all that up.

I can't believe you're buying a place.

That's insane.

I mean, there's still a few steps left,

but... I got lucky with the promotion.

I don't want this
to come out the wrong way,

but... I never expected any of this.

I thought you'd be working
in indie games for life.

And I'm sorry... for everything.

- What happened with me and Orson...
- Orson?!

My name is Orson?!

What the...

I recognize what an utter as*h*le I was.

Total as*h*le.

That's exactly the word
I was thinking, actually.

So why isn't your plus-one here?

You know... personal business.

Are you two... serious?

I guess I don't really know

how serious we are, to be honest.

And now, I'm living an authentic life.

Leaving you was not easy,
but... it was definitely the right choice.

So all the things you said,

everything you did,

that wasn't because
of inflammation in your brain?

I know it feels shitty now.

But isn't it kind of better this way?

You know, knowing the truth?

Don't you feel

kinda

relieved?

I feel...

I feel like I really just

hate you.

That's okay.

It's gonna take time.

- Come here.
- What the f*ck are you doing?

Oh, you really hate me. Okay... um.

I'm gonna take off.

Actually, have a thing.

- Back door open?
- It's unlocked.

Hey! Come dance!

You owe me, f*ck!

- No!
- Come on!

- I should probably...
- It's late. I should go.

No, don't go.

I shouldn't have come here.

Miguel?