01x01 - The Dank Rank

[bunniefuu]

My name is randall harrison I'm a 15-year
veteran of the force, I joined the force

because i wanted to make a difference in the
community, as members of the west oak security

detail we're here to be the last and first
line of defense, to keep this community safe.

[Alex] well as safe as a gated,
elitist, suburban community could be...

what's up uh I'm alex, 22, been on the
job for...two months? Why am i here?

Rent, I guess got bills man you gotta pay
that [__] like every month or people get

really mad. It's this, or only
fans. Probably chose wrong .

Right now we're going to do a
little patrolling, visual deterrence

you know uh... we want to let the
community know... we're out here

[Over radio] Unit needed for
assistance, noise complaint

All right we're on it.

Yeah, you live for this [__] don't you?

yes I do, sit back

I'm just saying man we could be changing the
world instead of wasting taxpayers money.

[Randall] we're not government-funded

[Alex] still a waste

[Dank Bank] Yo, whoever ordered
the strippers, they're here.

[Alex] Yooooooo [____] you're
[______] DankBank, bro!

Excuse me we're not strippers okay?

You guys cops?

[Both] No no. Not cops.

Is there anybody...uh maybe your parent
or somebody at the house we can talk to?

[Alex] you don't know who this is?

No

That's [__] Dank Bank bro! Bro, this
house is crazy bro ...[__] dankified bro.

[Randall] listen listen up mr dankbank
we are the community security detail.

So oh so hold on you just
said you're not cops then?

No...yeah.

So this is [__] like ENTRACTMENT bro,

hold on you you know. Hold on, you're
going to hear from my lawyer, one second.

[Randall] Entractment? What
the [__] is entractment?

[Alex] That's not a word.

[Randall] Entrapped in the closet?

[Phone on Speaker]
YO

[Derrick on Phone] What's Up?

[DankBank] There is some cops
out here, trying to ENTRACT me.

[Derrick] WTF?! I'll handle it.

Dank Out.

[Derrick] I'm his lawyer.

California entrapment law prohibits law-abiding
citizens from being induced into committing crimes

from... law enforcement... officials...

[Alex] No no you got us all wrong we're not cops.

Yeah, we're not cops, not at all.

[Derrick] Bro these ain't the cops.

oh they're not cops?

No, we don't deal with stitches.

Okay okay so then watch me crank it up!!

ah that's why we're here because
of the noise levels, we're getting

complaints from neighbors about
it so we wanted to discuss...

and? you guys aren't cops?

can we just come inside and chat
about the noise level, please?

ah, I'm afraid i can't do that
man, see the thing about it is

we got a party b*ner going on right now and it
is raging, if you know what I'm saying okay?

If i let you guys in there it's gonna get real
soft, real quick...you know I'm talking about

eight shots of henny soft even if you get
felatied... it's still not working you gotta

slap it against your thigh you still trying to
shove it in and it's not working that's how soft.

Look it sounds delicious and
we don't want you to get soft.

Not in our hands, okay... it's your neighbors.

Right they want you to quiet down...

they boomers, you know how they are man...
what are you gonna do? Right? You know?

okay okay i get, what you're saying, I get
it, I get it, I get it...one question though...

[Alex] what?

what if i don't give a [__]

[Randall] all right! all right that
is your official first warning okay?!

no no no no no no if your noise raises up
above 80 decibels you're gonna be fined up to

a thousand dollars okay buddy? all right and that
raises exponentially with every subsequent fine!

okay, so i didn't understand ninety percent
of what you just said...but i do know this...i

made eight million dollars last year. So i tell
you what, sign me up for a fine bro, actually,

give me 10 fines because my squad stays lit...all
right? and while we're on the subject your dank

rank does not crank. So I'm gonna need
y'all to get the [__] off my property.

You subscribed to him? Talk to him.

I would like to apologize on behalf of my
partner, but how big is this party b*ner?

Did somebody say that you could stay Paul Blart?

Well i just figured... maybe
you could fit one more?

No, I- No. Do you get what I'm saying? I was
just insulting you right now... Paul Blart

is a movie about a mall cop
that wasn't good at his job.

I'mma google it.

Check it out, and then you're gonna
watch it and you're gonna be like ah

[__] he burned me.
Door Chimes Closed

You know I could have used some help back there.

What are you doing? You
watching his videos, again?

No no that one was crab guts,
this is...this is fish guts.

Okay, okay... so he pours fish guts on some

car or whatever and says it's a prank
and that's supposed to be funny?

Yeah, it is.

It's kind of repetitive, I guess.

Susan...Su...Susan, you you're such a
sweet lady but you know the rules,

we go over this all the time, right? Lawn
ornaments are supposed to be waterfowl,

woodland creatures or adorable mythical
folklore. Flamingos? are columbiane okay?

No no no not my flamingos,

No, susan. Susan you know the rules, you know
the rules. Geeze, i have to tell her every time.

[Alex watching video] Jesus,
his sign off is so pretentious.

You were a lot of help back there.

Looked like you had it.

Couldn't carry one?

[Over radio] Come in...there's
been a disturbance...on...street.

Argh, not again.

-Music Blaring-

-Music cuts out-

Oh hey guys...

What the hell was that?

Whatever do you mean?
The noise, what happened to the noise?

Ah yeah see about that...well originally i was
gonna take the fines until my lawyer Derrick

explained to me what EXBRONENTIAL meant. So we
decided to look into the rules ourselves and

although you were right about the fines we
discovered that you actually can't fine me...

unless I commit a violation in your presence. So
i got myself this little handy-dandy decibel meter

app and as long as we keep it below 80 before
you knock on the door, it's nothing you can do.

That's [__] that's not true right?

Ay...-

So uh I'm gonna ask you to back up so I can
slam this door in your face. Oh...but don't

worry we'll keep it at like 78 decibels,
all right? But before I head out make sure

to live your life as point blank as my bank
is dank! Don't forget to like and subscribe.

W-w-w-wait!

-Sighs- That's [__]

I know you're a big fan of Mr. Dankbank.

What? oh come on man, that dude is garbage.

His content fell off years ago it's just
the same [__] over and over again.

Okay I get it but you know? This
is our job and there are rules...

He dumped jellyfish guts on somebody's car as
a prank, and now we can't do anything because

he gets 100 people quiet before we get to
the door...? It just pisses me off man.

Wait...wait...100 people?

Yeah.
Hmmm...

You said hmm? Hmm what? well... it's
just that the community charter prohibits

having over 50 people in one
residence, if that rule is violated...

[Alex] ...we can shut them down.

In theory.

[Music]

Oh no you don't we still have 78 decibels bro.

It don't matter we have reason to believe that
you are in violation of capacity rules [__] boy.

Capacity? this isn't back to the future.

No we're talking about section c,

paragraph five... you're not allowed to have
more than 50 people in the residence at once.

What he said...

Hey hey you violating my 13th amendment right!

That's sl*very.

That's what I mean, that's how I feel!

[Alex] Unfortunately everyone most of
you... are gonna... have... to... leave

Alright look, no one's here! Okay no
one ever shows up to these things.

Bro you've got like a billion
followers what the [__] is everybody?

You don't think I know that?

Unfortunately like and subscribe doesn't
equal show up and hang out alright?

Iit's always just me and Derrick, and

whoever that dude is. I don't even know
if derek is a real lawyer i just know

he always reads his terms of service agreement
so he's got to be smart, so I keep him around.

You know... this is amazing!
This is the best part about

this job I see why you do it. what the [__]?

Mr Dank Bank would you be
open to... an arrangement?

What you got?

Let's just say if you're able to keep
your noise level below eight decibels,

even when people aren't around, we...will
keep quiet about your...social inadequacies.

What he's saying is if you
keep quiet, we'll keep quiet.

For Dank Bank...that deal does not stank.

Deal?

Deal.

-Derrick slow claps-

Shut up Derrick.

[Dank Bank streaming] All right, y'all we
live right now trying to party and these

damn pigs pulled up trying to shut us down!
What?! you guys got nothing better to do?!

[Alex & Randall unenthusiastically]
we're so sorry,our apologies.

That's right and don't you come back [
__] alright y'all you know what we still

going we got girls and we got drank so come
through if you trying to get daaaaaaaaank.

-Mouths quietly- Thank you

-Music Blaring-

I swear to god we will live stream right now!

-Music cuts abruptly-

There it is, inadequacies.

Okay so I can't tell the world about Dank
Bank... but i can hit unsubscribe! Deuces.

HAAA.Whale guts. he's hilarious you see this?

Yeah, I guess it doesn't matter what I
do since somebody already subscribed.

Look-L-L-Look.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Got my subscription. He's not that bad.
Look at it look at it he's funny he's funny