01x07 - Intimate Angels

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe it arrived.

- Me too. I'm so excited. What is it?

- Only an authentic piece of movie history

I got from Hollywood Harold's estate sale

for nothing

because I was the only one

who recognized the insignia.

Having memorabilia like this

will attract so many customers.

Great idea. What took so long?

He tripped off the Space Needle

months ago.

My Lucite guy has been pretty backed up

ever since they decided to give every kid

in this generation a trophy. Am I right?

Carlos, drumroll.

- No chance.

- You have a Lucite guy?

We deserve a trophy for letting you

work out your standup on us.

It's a plate.

Not just any plate. Right?

- Please.

- Of course not.

This is the plate Anthony Hopkins used

to serve Ray Liotta his own brains

in Hannibal.

- Shut up.

- How was he alive to eat his own brain?

It's a commemorative plothole.

- Well, well, well, look who's late.

- Did you lose car keys at bingo again?

She lost track of time debating

if she needed a light jacket.

Or had to cut her reading glasses

out of her hair again.

Guys, it's not her fault.

She had to drive back in time

to get minutes for her Jitterbug.

Actually, I'm just back from a funeral.

My best friend Helen died.

Damn, Eliza. I bet you wish

you could drive back in time

and not be such a jerk.

I was joking. We were joking.

You guys said mean stuff too.

Yours was terrible.

You took it way too far.

Can't believe I'll never see Helen again.

Or hug her.

Or dish about our favorite telenovela,

El Espia y La Tia.

"The Spy and the Aunt"?

- It rhymes in Spanish.

- Right.

Sorry. Did you wear

your Blockbuster uniform to the funeral?

Of course not. I know better than that.

I had a skirt on.

I don't understand why he needs

an unabridged iTunes user agreement,

Paula Deen's cookbook, or a transcription

of Ghislaine Maxwell's court case.

Those are definitely my dad's.

He likes to read court transcripts,

says the visuals are distracting.

At least he's got tickets

to a self-help book reading.

- Only Up From Here.

- Actually, it's Only Up From Her.

Medea wrote a self-help book?

No, it's about how to rebuild a marriage

after infidelity

through the lens of the Clintons.

I'm taking Aaron tomorrow night.

Wow, good for you

for working on your marriage.

And you seem really happy. Glowing.

But just as a reminder,

this is a work printer.

Is it?

'Cause you sure do let Percy use it a lot.

I don't mind doing things

that help my best pal.

He obviously only uses it

for important stuff.

Last week, he printed his own

15-page bridge to "Uptown Funk."

He's a surprisingly proficient lyricist,

but still.

Doesn't it bother you

that Percy walks all over you?

It probably would if he did,

but he doesn't.

This is the man that made you break

in his Timberlands in the summer

so they'd be fall-ready.

They're Timbs, and you don't get me

and Percy's relationship. He's my

- If you say brother from another mother

- No, I wasn't gonna say that.

You just don't understand

how much he's done for me.

I lived at his house

when my parents were divorcing.

We're basically blood brothers,

except Percy backed out

after I had cut my hand.

You guys need to stop being uptight

and take a puff of this imaginary blunt.

No? No? More for me.

Hey, Slim Tim. Here for my pages.

Uh-oh.

You know what it is.

Let me hit that right there.

- Hey, we should hotbox in my car.

- Let's do it.

- Little loose for me.

- No, it's perfect.

- Really?

- Hey, pass it.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Con.

I just wanted to apologize

for my joke earlier.

I didn't start that run,

but I can't apologize

for everyone's actions.

I can't stop thinking about everything

Helen, Yolanda and I used to do together.

We were the three muchachas.

Aw, that's so cute.

We'd watch our stories,

cheerlead for the old men playing chess,

and of course, collect

our favorite Intimate Angels figurines.

Ew! Sorry. I meant:

Ew! Sorry. I can't think of other words.

How did that toddler couple make a baby?

I don't know.

Maybe it's like

a Benjamin Button situation.

But which way? Because either is a crime.

- That's not the point.

- I can't decide which is more upsetting.

That the toddler got pregnant,

which means they had sex,

- or that the toddler is having periods.

- Eliza. Is that why you came over here?

- To make fun of my cherished memories?

- I'm so sorry. Please go on.

They're highly collectible.

- This one was Helen's.

- At least you still have Yolanda.

Yolanda lives in Long Lake.

That's 45 minutes away,

a 20 pee-stop trip.

I'll probably see Helen again

before I see her.

Excuse me. Can you help me

find the film The Da Vinci Code?

Could I interest you in a telenovela

about undercover aunts instead?

It's not historical fiction

but at least it's honest

about dying alone.

Sorry. She's going through something.

We do have The Da Vinci Code

and the sequel.

Angels & Demons?

Technically, that's a prequel

because that came before the book.

It's over there.

You know, maybe I could be

your soap-watching buddy.

Really?

Okay.

Oh, you're gonna love El Espia y La Tia.

- You only have to catch up on 20

- Seasons?

- Years. Three seasons per year.

- Sixty seasons?

Wow! That is a lot of coolness.

I'll go get my tapes.

Okay.

We've made peace with Timmy's

codependence thing for Percy,

but it's creeping into work too.

No offense, Kayla,

but he takes employee parking spots

so he can use his for his Airbnb trailer.

He flat out steals our snacks.

And any time I raise my voice,

he says, "Kitty's got claws."

Yeah. My dad's got his bad side.

And his other bad side.

Last month, he used so much of our ink,

we couldn't print out our paychecks.

I couldn't get tickets to Mumford & Sons.

Now I just have to hear

their songs in commercials.

- I might side with Percy on that.

- I can't believe Timmy's oblivious to it.

I'm gonna say something to him.

I don't get paid to deal with Percy.

He describes me as "also g*y for girls."

- Yuck.

- Honestly, for my dad, that's progress.

So they want you

to click wherever on the screen

and hope for the best.

And that's how you play Minesweeper.

Wow! That's crazy.

Cool.

Again, that's not why I came in here.

So you know how

I'm an accounting major, right?

So it got me thinking,

when is the last time

you did an accounting

of the relationships here?

Is this about

Aaron and Eliza's relationship?

Did they break up?

Connie told me that Eliza told her

that he's not good enough for her.

When you hear it from someone else,

it's more true

- than when you hear it

- No. This is not some gossip from Connie.

Oh, well, doesn't matter.

I shouldn't even care about Eliza

because I've moved on. I have.

- I'm actually dating.

- Really? Who?

Well, no one yet, but I am looking

to meet someone in the real world

because you can't find

a "you complete me" on an app.

Although, apparently, You Complete Me

is an app for people who are into Wordle.

Sexually.

Got it. What about

your relationship with, um? Hmm.

What about your relationship with Percy?

Anything there?

Maybe your relationship

isn't as equal as it should be.

Might be time to ask for respect,

set boundaries.

- Like you did with your parents.

- You think?

I don't know.

Nah, we're good.

Oh.

What's that smell?

Ew.

Dude, are you reheating a litter box?

It's my leftover tilapia parm.

See, that's why I used your microwave.

You might wanna air that out, dawg.

Oh. Good call, P-train, will do.

- Percy. What's that plate?

- The only serving dish y'all had in here.

I found it

in your plate Hall of Fame thing.

Anywho, I'll tap in later, dawg.

Y'all be cool.

- Mm! This is gonna be good.

- Well, I did try to warn you.

That tears it.

The plate tears it?

Not when he tried to evict you?

Didn't he try to get Michigan

to believe you were dead?

That bothered me too.

So did all that other stuff.

But this time I'm gonna do something

about it just like I did with my parents.

- Sorry, are you lightheaded?

- Oh, man. The smell is inside of us.

So, Felipe the merman

slaps his sister Gabriella's son,

forcing Gabriella to k*ll Felipe.

But before Felipe is given a funeral,

his hands are cut off

and donated to Mateo,

a recently amputated D-level jazz pianist

in town for a gig

- he cannot do without hands.

- Of course.

Then Gabriella and her son,

who they Aunt Viv

from a 12-year-old actor

to a 4-year-old between seasons,

run into Mateo.

His hands become possessed,

and bam, Gabriella's son is slapped again.

But why is this Mateo

getting slapped in this scene?

And he's his own uncle?

What are you not following?

No way you got into Harvard.

You got this.

You are a semi-respectable adult

and deserve to be treated as such.

- That's right. I am.

- Timbo Slice.

- What's up?

- What's up?

- What's up?

- Guess what day it is.

- Guess what day it is.

- Guess what day it is.

- Hump day!

- Hump day!

It's fully Thursday.

What are we gonna get into today?

Know what we should do?

Make our own Borat.

- Oh.

- Ooh!

Um, actually, I can't, man.

Because I sort of need to

Of course you can't.

You never can hang out anymore.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- You be working or whining about Eliza.

Okay, this isn't about Eliza.

This is about you

taking advantage of my business.

Whoa, kitty's got claws.

Of course, I've intercepted a few boxes

of Blockbuster hand soap,

but doesn't it balance out?

It would take a hundred lifetimes

for it to balance out.

Ever since we met trading ALF pogs,

you've treated me like crap.

You remember back in high school

when you convinced me

the word "chode" meant awesome guy?

Then I met Rick Mahorn

and called him a chode so many times,

he tore up my basketball card

and almost beat my a*s.

Because I knew your getaway speed

was faster than a power forward's.

This ends now.

Stop using my microwave,

stop using my printer,

stop using my deodorant,

and stop using me.

You know what?

You're right. You're absolutely right.

I'm gonna be a better friend.

Really?

Mm-hmm. I hear you loud and clear.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

- Uh, that went great.

- Yeah.

- I mean, the truly best case. I'm stunned.

- Right?

Did you feel like

you were watching Greta Thunberg?

Wonder if any security cameras got that.

Oh, I tried subbing in as Connie's friend.

I'm at least 30 years too young

for the job.

Thirty? Wait, you think the number's 30?

Fine, 20.

Leave me alone.

Look, I need help convincing Connie

to hang out with her other friend Yolanda.

Oh, that's not gonna happen.

She lives 45 whole minutes away.

I know, but it has to.

I cannot keep watching that soap.

Even the YouTube recaps

are like three hours per season.

Old folks

just get locked into their routines.

- Connie reminds me of my dad.

- Let's try to get them to be friends.

- They live ten minutes from each other.

- Dad doesn't drive anymore.

What if Connie drives to him?

That's a no go. He says men

and women can never be just friends.

It's always sexual.

That's dumb.

Look at me and Timmy. We're just friends.

We are.

Hannah,

your dad doesn't drive but still has sex?

He lets women drive to him for sex.

Oh! Yeah, at a certain age,

you wanna keep it close to home.

- Wait. That gave me an idea.

- You're not my dad's type.

You're very pretty.

Just not nearly as sturdy as he likes.

Hey. Can I use your pisspot?

Um Gross, but fine.

Thanks.

Hey. Can me

and my customers use your bathroom?

Get your mind out of the gutter.

We're not going at the same time.

I didn't think that

You can go after Carol.

Hey, Con.

What if I told you there were

other lonely women in your area

and you could meet them

without ever leaving

the comfort of your strip mall.

Last time I tried,

I ended up handcuffed to a water heater.

What? No. We just wanna help

find you a friend with similar interests.

None of us can watch 20 years

of El Espia y La Tia.

Or want to.

Fine. My friend already died.

What else do I have to lose?

That's the spirit.

So where do you see yourself

in five years?

Retired to my cabin.

I take a little bit of poison every day.

Not to hurt myself.

To make myself stronger.

That's why she doesn't have any teeth.

You on Facebook? I can send you some info.

Ooh!

Fair warning. She only posts selfies with

dead animals and Tucker Carlson memes.

- Sure.

- It was nice to see you.

Ooh! I'm always looking for new friends.

Excuse me a moment.

I'm sorry. What was I saying?

Run.

Wow, it sounds like you and Connie

have so much in common.

I guess so.

You'll have to come by my house

so we can finish the new season

of El Espia together.

- Oh, I'd love to. Where do you live?

- I'm only about an hour away.

- Thank you for wasting everyone's time.

- There had to be a catch.

Wow!

Ah! Busy, busy, busy.

Vision boards work, people.

Hello. Can I help you pick a movie?

- Perhaps something with d*ck Van d*ke?

- I'm here because all the bathrooms

- in the mall are closed.

- Is that right?

Ooh! That's my dawg.

I figured I'd swing by and say,

"You're welcome."

Uh, for what?

I shut down water in the shopping center

for plumbing upgrades,

but I needed to leave one bathroom open

for folks to use.

So I figured I should be

a better friend to my dawg, Tim,

and leave his bathroom open.

No, no. No cutting. No cutting. Thanks.

Your mother was such a beautiful soul.

Her figurine?

Uh, was it gone before or after I left?

Well, good luck. Bye.

Hey. We're sorry

we couldn't find you a new friend.

We really did

wanna come through for you.

We had no idea

there were so many flavors of old weirdo.

I'd say it's fine,

but you guys got my hopes up

telling me

you could find the Gayle to my Oprah.

But all you've been giving me

is Dr. Phils.

I'm sorry.

Maybe all we should've tried

to give you was a hug.

Oh!

Your hooves!

- Guys, one side, please.

- Folks, one line.

- The middle is not a side. Thank you.

- One line, thank you.

I do not get it. How is anything

you did triggering to Percy?

Everything is triggering to him.

It's been that way our whole lives.

He's super sensitive.

That's why I let stuff go,

because he always overreacts

and it becomes a bigger pain to deal with.

Sorry. Maybe you should've

let this one go. My bad. I

No, screw that.

- He's the one who will be sorry.

- I think you've having a breakthrough.

Unclear if it's a "through" or a "down,"

but either way I'm about to end this.

Excuse me. Can I?

No, you cannot sh*t in my bathroom.

This is my place,

and no one shits in my bathroom but me.

I'm about to barrel down and take

the biggest sh*t you could imagine.

Timmy, what have you done?

Cool, man.

I was actually gonna say,

"Can I introduce myself?"

My mom owns the Hot Piece of Bass,

and I grew up loving Blockbuster,

and I was excited

to see one still existed.

Timmy Yoon, nice to meet you.

And you are?

Leaving.

I'm out of here.

I can only deuce where there's good vibes.

Sure are a lot of colors

with "sl*t" in the name, huh?

I'm so sorry.

We'll get this fixed for you.

Patrice, we need nail glue.

You have to be licensed to use it.

It's an emergency, Patrice.

There are only seven of these postpartum

toddler figurines in circulation.

How did you know that?

How could I not?

It was the last Intimate Angel

sculpted by Victor Fenton

before he was ousted from the company.

All these years, I didn't know

you were into Intimate Angels.

The reason I am where I am today

is because I know how

to separate business and pleasure.

That's the title of my memoir.

Where I Am Today:

The Connie Serrano Story.

I always say memoirs are the light

in the tunnel of our collective soul.

When do you clock out?

Soon.

Soon.

Hi, Percy, I'm here to punch you.

Hey. I just wanted to apologize for

Announcing today's stool schedule?

Yes, that was weird.

I'm in a weird space right now.

I wonder if my manager will give me

a weird space day, like a sick day. JK.

I don't have a manager

because I'm the owner.

Maybe we could just start over.

I'm Timmy, and I'm sorry.

I'm Lena.

And I'm new at this glamorous job,

where I'm tasked with organizing

and hanging up fishing lures

because my nephews

fell through my mom's skylight,

and now I have to help her.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Really?

No, not that your nephews fell

on your mom

because those twins sound horrible.

Maybe they had a reason for falling.

People fall for a lot of reasons.

Right? Like you.

You fell from the sky as well

because you're an angel.

Hello, I am new at talking.

Um, I accept your apology.

Well, it was very nice to meet you.

I have to punch my landlord

slash ex-best friend in the face,

but afterwards, you wanna grab a drink?

That sounds nice.

Cool.

Percy.

Percy, this ends now.

Percy, what the hell is your problem?

I miss you, okay?

I miss you, man. That's my problem.

- It is?

- Yeah, man.

- I feel like you don't need me anymore.

- What are you talking about?

You're either working, with Eliza,

or trying to get with Eliza.

That's over now.

Man, you're like this award-nominated

small business owner now.

In my experience,

everybody tends to outgrow me.

Just like my wife.

My wife?

Well, my ex-wife.

Come on, man. I will never outgrow you.

Sorry we haven't been chilling

as much lately,

and sorry I came in a little hot earlier.

I just learned the word "boundaries,"

thanks to my parents,

and I'm figuring out how to apply them,

especially with a man of your energy.

What I should've explained to you better

is I gotta take my job more seriously now.

The last Blockbuster on the planet

is literally on my shoulders.

I get it, man. You know, trying to keep

a video store open in this age of 5G.

Ooh! You got a lot on your plate.

What you need is one of these right here.

- Oh, man.

- Let me light that up for you.

You know what I'm saying?

Exactly.

But without Joan Rivers,

there's nothing to watch on TV anymore.

Well, there's this Mexican telenovela

that I love called El Espia y La Tia,

but apparently, it's a big commitment.

Well, how many seasons are there?

Because I only invest in shows

that have dedicated 20-plus years

into their world building.

You're the espia to my tia.

You'll get what that means in Season 5.

Let me give you my number

so we can talk about the show

after I watch.

- Okay.

- Don't try to text it, though.

- It's a landline.

- Oh, I would never text.

Big voice message gal here.

You're best friends

with the owner of a party store

and highly protective of your toilet.

Maybe you can have it all.

Wait until you see my ten speed.

Connie and Patrice clicked right away.

They are so cute, you have to see them.

Two.

Actually,

I don't think they're here, so

Isn't that them there?

Oh. Ha!

Yep, there they are.

So cute, right?

Um, I forgot that I, uh I have a thing.

I'm denying

♪ The feeling of my mind ♪

♪ The feeling of change ♪

There's only one thing

♪ I can be certain ♪

No, no.

No, no, no.

Percy.

♪ I'm so caught up on you ♪

♪ I'm so caught up, baby ♪

♪ I'm so caught up on you ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

- Oh, yeah ♪

- So caught up on you ♪