01x01 - Schalk Bezuidenhout

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[host] Everybody, with a
huge round of applause,

please welcome the wonderful
Schalk Bezuidenhout!

[audience cheering
and applauding]

[cheering and
applause continues]

Hello!

Hi, how are you?

I'm good. I got
engaged recently. Yeah.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Now, I'm very proud
of it you know,

so I want to talk about it, because,
you know, it was very romantic.

That's why I'm very proud of
it, and you know, like normally,

in a heterosexual relationship
the stereotype is normally

that the woman is like

the clingy romantic one and the
man is like the cold distant one.

In my relationship it's
exactly the other way around.

So like I'm the one that
tries to cuddle at night

and she's the one that goes,
"f*ck off, it's hot." You know.

Then I'm the one that will like
persist, "Come on, come on."

And then she's the one
that will eventually go,

"Okay, fine, go get the towel."

[audience laughs]

Don't even sit here for
a second and pretend

like you don't know, "go
get the towel," okay?

If you don't know
"go get the towel,"

you don't have nice linen. Okay?

You don't. [laughs]

Can I just say, ladies,
don't do this to us, hey.

Because you think we make
a move, we get rejected,

then we just like, "Yes,
okay, f*cking rugby." No!

You know, it actually takes
a lot to make that move.

Now I'm already in a
vulnerable position.

Now when you say, "Go
get the towel," okay,

it's cold, it's dark.

I can't just switch on all
the lights immediately.

That's going to ruin the mood.

Now I have to go
get the towel, okay.

I don't know where
you keep the towels,

but we keep it down the
passage in the cupboard.

Now you're running down
the cold dark hallway,

you've got a b*ner.
Then you have to go,

open the cupboard, grab a towel,

halfway back, you're like, "Ah,
f*ck, it's the nice fluffy one,

it's white and expensive!"

Throw back that towel.

Then you have to search for
that old towel that she's had

since the age of six.

That one with The
Little Mermaid on it,

that's basically like cardboard.

Then you have to
grab that towel.

Then back to the room,
then you have to say,

"Okay, roll over."

Then you have to do this sh*t…

[audience laughs]

Sebastian's on there
looking at you,

[Sebastian's voice] "Oh, sh*t, it's
about to go down under the sheet!"

And then, by the time she rolls
onto the towel and she's like,

"Okay, I'm ready." Then you're like,
"Actually, no, I'm not in the mood, so.

Maybe now I've got a
headache, how's about that?"

[audience laughs]

But I was very proud of our
engagement. It was very romantic.

Even if I do say so myself.
I'll start with the ring, so,

I didn't buy her a ring. Okay.

Because I knew I was going to mess it
up. I don't have good taste in jewelry.

I wanted her to design
a ring for herself.

So she could look at it
every day and like, love it.

But I still got something
of sentimental value.

I'm from Kempton Park
in the East Rand.

She's from Benoni.

So I got her a mood ring from
the Boksburg flea market.

Because that's sentimental,
we grew up with mood rings.

Because remember when you were young,
you didn't know what you were feeling.

- You needed a mood ring to tell you.
- [audience laughs]

You walk around at school.
"That's weird, I'm jealous."

[audience laughs]

"I wonder who I'm jealous of.

This is so interesting."

And then the venue. So we had our
first date at this restaurant.

I go, I book out
that restaurant.

Okay, now I just have to
get her to the restaurant.

I ask a friend to make up a lie.

My fiancée, her name is Mica, she
started a flower business at the time,

so the friend says, "There's this guy,
he wants you to do flowers for his event.

He just wants to have a
meeting with you before."

She says, "Okay, cool."

It's done. She's
going to be there.

But then the friend got a bit
carried away with the lie.

She started adding
unnecessary things.

"And he's one of the richest
business men in Africa.

And he's going to pay you 50


Just to come shoo shoo
shoo, a few roses."

And she's so excited. Now she's
coming home to me every night.

"Babe, can you believe it?

This is the best thing,
to ever happen to me."

I'm like, "Wow, that's so cool."

She's like, "Nothing
can top this!

Nothing in my life will
be able to top this."

I'm like, "That's
f*cking awesome."

Now it's the big night.

You know, she's there,
she's looking beautiful.

The friend initiates the plan.

The friend goes, "I'm just going to go
phone this guy. I don't know where he is."

As she leaves, I
come running in.

I'm wearing the same outfit

I wore on our first
date. Down to the socks.

As I see her, she
looks so beautiful.

I can't even get
a word out. Okay.

I just dropped to one knee
immediately and I said,

"Mica, will you marry me?"

She looks at me, she goes,

"Babe, f*ck off. There's a
guy coming for a meeting.

This is so inappropriate.
Get out of here."

I go, "Babe, sorry, that's my
bad. I should have said... sorry.

That was a lie.
There is no meeting.

Okay, we made it up.
There is no meeting."

She goes,

"But I made references
and everything."

[audience laughs]

I go... I'm still down here,

"f*ck, sorry. That you went
through all that trouble."

She goes, "Well, I guess
there's no 50 000 Rand?"

I'm like, "f*ck, Mica, invoice me.
What do you want me to say? No.

There is no 50... there's no...
There's no 50 000 Rand. No."

But eventually, you know,
it sunk in and she said,

"Yes, babe, come here. Of
course I'll marry you."

And I said, "You know what now,
I'm not in the mood, actually."

[audience laughing
and applauding]

"Maybe I'm having
second thoughts."

But, you know, you can't even just
enjoy being engaged for five minutes.

Because this was the
part I was most proud of.

We sat down for dinner
in this empty restaurant.

What she doesn't know, her friends and
family are around the corner, waiting

to come running in the
door. I send the WhatsApp,

"She said yes." They
come running in.

And she's crying and it's beautiful. But
my cousin, she comes through the door.

Before she says congratulations,
she goes, "When's the baby coming?

When you guys going to make
a baby for the family?"

You know, and I lost my temper
with her a little bit, I'll admit.

I said, "Know what, Maritza? When
are you guys going to make a baby

for the Bezuidenhout's?

You and your little boyfriend,
you hardly even see each other."

"When are you guys, going
to put the towel down?

And make a baby, for
the Bezuidenhout's."

You know, and her
mother was upset,

because that's apparently
inappropriate to say to a ten-year-old.

But, you know, she just
wouldn't f*cking… [grunts]

- [audience laughs]
- [whistle from the audience]

And, you know, my guy friends, I was
so disappointed in my guy friends.

None of them said, "Wow,
congratulations, Schalk,

that you finally proposed to the
woman of your dreams. That's amazing."

All of them just said the same thing.
[deep voice] "Are you ready, bru?

One vag*na. For the
rest of your life.

Are you ready for one vag*na?
For the rest of your life?"

[own voice] That's a stupid
argument, because if it's an amazing

vag*na, you know, then…

then what's your... you know?

Like, dude, if I gave
you the option, right.

I'll give you the newest
model Mercedes G-Wagon,

to ride for the
rest of your life,

or ten f*cking Hyundai's.

- [audience laughs]
- What are you going to choose?

You're going to choose the G-Wagon.
Well, I see you already did.

There's a G-Wagon f*cking
sitting next to you right now!

[audience cheers and applauds]

That's a G-Wagon
there, my friend.

And the G-Wagon, that's a
status symbol. You know?

- What is your name?
- Craig.

Craig. People…

people see you rolling
in the G-Wagon, Craig,

and they go, "Look at Craig, he's doing
well for himself. He's in a G-Wagon."

Or they're going to go, "Shame,
did you hear about Craig?

Third Hyundai in two weeks, hey.

Previous Hyundai
got stolen. Yeah.

His brother, his own
brother, stole his Hyundai."

And it is a guy thing. Like
Mica's friends didn't do that.

Her girlfriends didn't
go, "Are you ready, Mica,

to ride Schalk's Vespa

for the rest... "I
know what I am. Okay.

You have to know... You
can't lie to yourself.

As a guy, I know I'm
not a Harley Davidson.

I'm not like a… [imitates
a sputtering engine]

No, I'm more of like a…
[imitates high screeching engine]

That's me, you know.

That's me.

Another thing my friends said to me,
they said, "Schalk, you're so young.

You're so young, you're still in
your 20s. Why are you settling down?"

And I said to them, "Yes,
I'm literally young in age,

but I've uncle'd. Okay?"

People use "uncle" as a noun.

Like we use that to
describe and older man.

"Uncle" is a verb. You
can "uncle" at any stage.

It happens, it catches
you by surprise.

Like, I woke up the other day, I
yawned like a young man in my 20s.

No sound.

Then the next
morning, I woke up,

I'd "uncle'd" in those 24 hours.

I didn't even know.
Then I yawned again.

[yawns]

Where does that sound come from?
Can someone please tell me?

Where does that sound come
from? That's when you know,

you've become an uncle. Because
that's the sound of hopes and dreams

starting to leave your body.

[audience laughs]

And the older you become, the longer
and louder that sound becomes.

Like, I can't sleep at
my parents house anymore.

I'll wake up in the
middle of the night

to get a glass of water, I just
hear coming from their room…

[long and loud yawn]

I'm like, "f*cking hell, my dad
is being m*rder*d by a werewolf."

Okay, that's fine.

But I'm not investigating
that sound."

That's why I'm so glad, men in the
modern age, we only live up to like,



Can you imagine the guys in
the Bible. Abraham, those guys,

used to live up to eight,
nine hundred years old.

How the hell do you yawn
at nine hundred years old?

Then it's just like…

[screams]

Then it's just rage.
Then it's just pure rage,

leaving your body.

And you know what, I'm
happy to be an uncle.

I don't want to be
young person now.

You know, there's like
too much to navigate.

There's so much technology.
The world's complicated.

I'm happy being an
older person. I loved

how I grew up.

You know, we grew up, we had
the best time growing up.

Like, TV was special
when we were growing up.

You know why, because if you
missed it, you f*cking missed it.

[audience laughs]

There was no rewind,
f*cking record, you know.

It was like you just had to hear everyone
talk about it at school the next day.

And we had the best shows. The
kids today won't even understand

the amazing shows we had.
Best show, growing up, man,

Pimp my Ride.

[audience laughs]

There was a show called Pimp
my Ride with this guy, Xzibit.

Hey, that's also how I
know I'm becoming an uncle

because I'm doing
sh*t like this.

Xzibit!

And he use to come to your house.
Why does he come to your house?

Because you sent a video.
Not a video, a f*cking video.

That you had to carry
to the post office.

To send to MTV.

And on the video, it's you, like
this, standing by your car, going,

"Hey, Xzibit, I drive a piece of
sh*t Uno and I bleach my hair.

Please come pimp my ride!"

And then, Xzibit arrives
at your house, hey,

and he had the super power where he
knew when you were going to be home.

He knew. There wasn't one episode where
he rang the door bell, "ding-dong,"

five minutes later, "Pack
up the cameras, guys.

They're not here."

And it was always you
who opened the door.

- Even if you lived with a family of 17.
- [audience laughs]

It was never your Granny.

[imitating granny's
voice] "Schalkie,

there's a Black rapper here for
you." Never. It was always you.

But the sad thing about
Pimp my Ride, right, is that

Xzibit can't just take your
car that's falling apart

and then give you a new Honda.

You know, because that's boring.
He has to pimp your ride,

according to like, your
passions, you know.

But that was the sad thing,
not everyone had passions.

You know, some people on
the show were just like

normal people, who weren't
particularly passionate about anything.

They just like normal things.

But he still had to
find it, you know.

Because sometimes someone would open
the door and they'd be eating a carrot.

Because they felt snackish
and there was a carrot.

And then, they picked up the carrot, then
the doorbell rang, and it was Xzibit.

Now they're holding this carrot and
Xzibit has to now find something.

And he's like, "Yo, man!
Do you love carrots?

Are you passionate
about carrots?"

And you're like,
"I like carrots."

"But would you say you
love carrots, man?"

Eventually, you get into it, you know.
You're like, "Yes, okay, cool, yes.

I love carrots."
And then he's like,

"Okay, cool, man, I'm going
to go to Westcoast Customs.

I'm going to pimp your
ride. See you in two weeks."

Then you arrive
there in two weeks.

There's like a sheet over your car.
You're so excited. Then he's like,

"Okay, cool, are you ready, man?

But before I reveal this, remember
when you said you love carrots?

Xzibit, whoa, whoa, whoa."

[shouts] "We spray painted
your car bright orange!

Check here in the back, we put
the carrot mobile on the back."

Open the boot, there's a
carrot garden in the boot.

Get inside, the gearstick
is a f*cking carrot!

[audience whoops and applauds]

And you know, you
couldn't be ungrateful.

Because you just got
a new car, you know.

So you had to be like, "Wow,
that's awesome, Xzibit.

That's so cool, I can't

wait to drive this in public."

[audience laughs]

"Introvert that I am, that's...

This is going to be... wow."

Some people open the
door, Xzibit's like,

"Yo, man! Who's that in the
background watching TV?"

"That? Yes, that's my mother."

"Do you love your mother, man?

Are you passionate
about your mother?"

"Yes, Xzibit, I mean,
she's my mother.

You know, so, yes. I
love her, very much."

"Okay, remember that you said that.
Xzibit, wait!" He's already gone.

Two weeks later…

[shouts] "We spray-painted your
mother's face on the bonnet!"

Get inside.

[shouts] "We superglued your
mother to the passenger seat!

She will be here
every time you drive.

This woman is going to
die in this vehicle."

"Wow, that's so cool,
Xzibit, thank you so much."

My name is Schalk Bezuidenhout,
thank you very much.

- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [theme music playing]