01x04 - Nina Hastie

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[host] Everyone,
please welcome onto the stage

the wonderful Nina Hastie!

[audience cheering and applauding]

[Nina shouts] Yes!

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Howzit? Howzit?

-[audience cheers]
-[Nina chuckles]

Good evening, I'm so glad you guys
have made it. My name is Nina Hastie.

And some of you may know me,

some of you may know me.
Others not so much.

See, guys,

I'm actually quite famous.

I'm actually quite famous.
I'm from the SABC. Yes.

The national broadcaster.

-The whole country watches it.
-[audience laughs]

Excepts for you guys.

And your friends.
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

I also didn't know
what the SABC was before I was on it.

Because I'm privileged.

But I'm like so privileged
that I literally came out of the womb,

landed on a leather couch
and started watching Carte Blanche.

[audience laughs]

My first words were…

[childlike] "Derek Watts."

Where my people pleasers at?
People pleasers?

Yes? Hey! People pleasers.

I'm a people pleaser. I am.

Because I've got low self-esteem. [laughs]

I don't know what your excuse is. But…

The other things is, can I ask you?

Are you… are you really good at sex?

[shouts] Yes, you are! Yes, you are.
Yes. Put your hands together for this…

-this lady, thank you.
-[audience applauds and cheers]

People pleaser.

It's your job.
People pleasing. It's the title.

I'm-- I'm a people pleaser, so obviously,
I'm really good at sex. [chuckles]

Just ask anyone.

[audience laughs]

[Nina giggles]

And I find, you know
when you are having sex with a new person,

like, I'm always
having sex with new people, but that's me.

I find like I'm always overcompensating
because I really want you to like me,

you know, so I'm always like,

[animated] I will
make you love me with my sex.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Or in your case, maybe
lickety, lickety, lickety.

Or, I don't know, fistie, fistie, fistie.

It's always the quiet ones.
It's always the quiet ones. [giggles]

You know what I love about the music
that women are making these days,

is that it's so, like,
so sexually instructive.

You know, it's like,

"Don't f*ck me over there.
f*ck me over there.

Find my stuff and make it do things.
You b*tch a*s."

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] I'm like, "Whoa okay. sh*t."

I didn't know… I didn't know that

you could tell people
how you want to be done.

I didn't know that. I mean,

every time I hear one of these songs,
I'm just like,

"I wish that that was the music that
was playing when I was a little girl."

But what did I have?
I had Alanis Morissette.

f*ck, you know.
Like she was singing songs like,

[sings] ♪ Does she speak eloquently? ♪

♪ And would she have your baby? ♪

♪ Would she go down on you in a theater? ♪

Go down on you in a theater?

Like, what? "Go down on you in--"

I was 12 years old
when that song came out.

I did not know what
"go down on you in a theater" meant.

I was there at the cinema.
Going down in the theater.

And all I found was five rand.

With Jan Van Riebeeck's face on it.
It was a note.

[audience laughs and Nina giggles]

Yes, no, listen, I'm from Pretoria, guys.

-I'm from Pretoria. Yes. Hey, hey, hey.
-[cheering and clapping from audience]

Great.

Well, the things is, you know,
growing up in Pretoria,

I was also very sheltered
from urban music.

You know,
so that's the stuff I grew up on.

There was also Offspring.

And there was this song.
f*ck, I love this song.

It goes like this,

[deep] ♪ I know-- ♪ That's my rock voice.

♪ I know she's playing with me ♪

♪ That's okay cos I got no self-esteem ♪

♪ Away oh yeah ♪

And I was like,
"No self esteem! Yes! Yes me too! What?"

Yeah. Low self esteem is good.

That is the information
that I took with me from my youth.

[sings] ♪ Go down on you in a theater ♪

Low self esteem.
I put it in my little rucksack,

put it on my shoulder
like Huckleberry Finn,

and I left Pretoria for Johannesburg.

With dreams of a future.

It didn't help

that-- low self esteem does not
help you make good decisions, guys.

I once dated a guy,

I once dated a guy

because he told me that his dad

owned Manchester United.

Yes. Laugh. Laugh. I did not know
that this was public information.

I did not know that you could just Google
this sh*t. I didn't know. I didn't know.

Yes. I mean,
turns out-- how's this? Turns out

that Tiago from Edenvale,

his dad,

did not own Manchester United!

f*cking shocked. I was absolutely shocked.
I could not believe it.

It also explains why he drives a Honda.

[audience laughs]

I thought he was just humble.

[Nina chuckles]

I've done some pretty weird sh*t
to get people to like me in my life.

Did this woman in front of me just snort?
She went… [snorts]

Are you also from Pretoria?

You can't be, you're wearing shoes.

[laughs] I've done some pretty weird
sh*t to get people to like me. I have.

Like there was a time when I was a rapper.

I was a rapper. I know. I know.

And, um-- what's that?
You want to know my rap name?

Sure. [laughs]

My rap name was "McNastie." Okay.

Yeah, there's rationale. Okay.

See my initials are NA

and my surname is Hastie.

Right, so if you
say it quick it's "Nastie."

Right, all together…

-[audience] Nastie.
-Thank you.

Or "Na-Hasty,"
depending on how you're feeling.

But the Mc was for MC.

Because MC is… [deep voice]
"microphone controller." Right.

I was hardcore.

But the weird part about it is
that I had a fake British accent. Okay.

I'll explain. All right so,

I was, I thought I was very woke
when I was young.

I wasn't.

I thought

what was the most responsible way
for me to culturally appropriate?

And the answer is, there isn't.

It just wasn't a good idea. I know now.

I'm older and wiser. I know now.
It was a f*cking problem.

But like, in my mind I was like,

"How do you get the colonizers
is if you appropriate

a culture from a first-world country."

That's how you get the colonizers.

I didn't realize I'm a colonizer.

I only figured that out later.
But still. Anyway.

-What? Do my raps? Stop.
-[audience laughs]

Anyway, so it goes like this,
[clears throat]

[audience laughs]

♪ 15 inch ruler dictator hater back of
the class school ruler expel drug user ♪

♪ Don't come, confuser ♪

♪ Do what a chooser
Don't follow no loser ♪

♪ Boozer, cruiser, step to me wrong
I'm a bruise ya ♪

♪ Facilitate, I'll give you hate
I'll give you hate ♪

♪ Detention sessions, worthless lessons,
Tippex messed on misconceptions ♪

♪ I f*cked erections
Adolescent porn collections ♪

♪ What I'm saying is I'm saying
Is true f*ck you ♪

♪ f*ck your family
And your entourage too ♪

[audience cheers and applauds]

Raparations.

[Nina giggles]

So I'm in recovery, guys.

In recovery, seven years

clean and sober guys.
Seven years clean and sober.

-[audience cheers and applauds]
-Thank you very much. Thank you.

Yes, no, look,
I mean, I don't drink, I don't take drugs.

I struggle with
a couple of other things like

eating disorder sh*t that I'm still
struggling with, you know, and like

sleeping with toxic men, you know.

Eating disorders.

Sleeping with toxic men. I'm

quite literally filling the void. [laughs]

This is not
a very creative solution, actually,

for someone
who's job it is to be creative. But, hey,

I'm a basic b*tch.

And you know
what I was thinking about, like,

I wish I could
just stop obsessing about food.

I just wish
I could stop obsessing about food.

Because it's everywhere.
Like sugar is everywhere.

Like it's f*cking everywhere.
We advertise it. Like it's really ha--

Guys. Can we all just stop eating?

Like, I don't mean starve ourselves.
Like, can we evolve?

Can we just get to the point
where we no longer need food.

Like, a lot would happen.

Like, we wouldn't
have like a large intestine.

Or a small intes-- there are too many
intestines to start with. There's just

too much happening here. And then a

gallbladder, the dangly thing.

There's just--
there's a lot of things happening

in our bodies that we don't need.

And I guess, like, if we've evolved

maybe, like, our mouths would close,
because we wouldn't have to chew food.

But we'd still have to
like communicate with each other.

So I guess our brains would like grow.

So that we could like
telepathize, telepathic,

telepathy at each other.

I'd be like…
[high-pitched] "You wanna f*ck?"

And they'd be like, [high-pitched] "Yeah."

And I'd be like… [high-pitched] "Okay."

I don't know why
my telepathy voice is Mickey Mouse, but,

[high-pitched] "I'm a real boy."

But yes. [chuckles] That was actually
more Pinocchio. But anyway.

But I think, I kind of think, like,
there's a lot that's happening. I just…

our bodies would completely change.
We'd have like these long thin abdomens.

You know. Long thin abdomens.
For like, more d*ck space.

You know. Like, we need more space
in general. We're running out of,

we're running out of
natural resources on this planet.

We're running out of stuff, running
out of space. There's too many people.

We're going to
have to go to other planets.

They're already practicing.
They're sending the spaceships.

They're going. They're off. They're going.

And I was like, "Okay, cool."

My question is,
who the f*ck are we going to send

as the ambassador from earth,
to do the trade negotiations?

Miss World?

Like [laughs],
who the f*ck are we gonna send?

And also, in alien movies and sh*t
like that, they've always got Americans.

And some guy from the CEA-- CIA.

Or the American president or whatever.

What about South Africans? We know space.

We know space. Mark Shuttleworth.

Elon Musk.

White South African men know space.

[audience laughs]

And if there's anyone
that we could send to go

and get natural resources
from other people,

who better than a White South African man?

[hesitant laughter
and applause from audience]

Just imagine.

Just imagine when they get there
to the planet and they're like,

"Hi, guys!"

"It's us!

From South Africa!

South Africa.

Nelson Mandela?

Trevor Noah.

Apartheid?

Yes, that was us! That was us!

Yes. Don't worry,
we're not like that anymore.

Look, I've got a copilot, Nquaba."

[audience laughs]

[Nina laughs]

Or we could send poor Whites.
They're so f*cking manipulative.

I love poor Whites. They'd be like,

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, aliens.
I'm not a beggar. I'm not a beggar.

It's just that my grandmother's sick,
she's stuck at the hospital.

She's having an operation.

And I just need like 50 Uraniums.

"Like 50 Uraniums. It's a--

I'm not a beggar. I'm not a beggar.

I'm sorry to disturb you.

Look, I made you a bracelet."

[audience laughs]

Or we could send, uh, look, look.
Let me tell you:

As an emerging old White woman myself,

I feel like
we should send an old White woman.

Are we deciding on Carin or Karen?

Carin? Karen?

People pleaser. She started with Karen
and then she said Carin.

Carin. Can I say Carin? Okay.

Karen? f*ck sakes, all right,
we'll send a Karen.

All right, so we send a Karen. And then
she's there. She's old. She's from Illovo.

[audience laughs]

She goes off in her bedazzled spaceship

with the f*cking eye lashes
on the break lights.

She gets to the door.

There's a door.

And she knocks on the door and she goes,

[raspy] "Hello, aliens.

I know you guys are busy.

It's just that earth is a disaster
at the moment, you know.

There's just crime everywhere.

Even in Australia."

[raspy] "Now I know, because I
spoke to my son-in-law, Brendon.

You know, he's an accountant.

And anyway, I was
speaking to him on the Zooms, you know,

and anyway, he's an accountant
and that's how they got the visa

because of the points, but, yes.

Anyway, he said
that there's crime in Australia.

But tell me something, aliens,

have you guys got a body corporate?"

[audience laughs]

[Nina laughs]

Guys, you see, the things is this, right,

the difference between
"Can I speak to your manager?"

and "Take me to you leader,"

is one small step for a Carin,

but a giant leap for mankind.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Nina Hastie.
I f*cking love you!

Thank you so much! Thank you so much!

-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[theme music playing]

Yes, b*tches!