01x05 - Robby Collins

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[host] Everyone, please
welcome onto the stage

the wonderful Robby Collins!

[audience cheers and applauds]

[members of audience shouts
words of encouragement]

Good evening, beautiful people.

You guys look f*cking
beautiful. I won't lie, man.

- Even the dudes.
- [audience laughs]

Like, for real. You know why, because
we all were in lockdown together.

And for nine months,

I couldn't stand in front of my
beautiful audience and tell jokes.

And I realized how
much I miss you guys.

[audience responds warmly]

For real.

[audience applauds]

But then the landlord
started knocking.

- [audience laughs]
- [Robby chuckles]

Because he wanted his money.

So we had to start
doing online shows.

Now let me tell you
something about online shows.

They're not good
for the self-esteem.

Because you're in your
lounge with your laptop.

There's no tequilas,
there's no high fives.

Show finishes and you
just close your laptop.

You look around your lounge,

start thinking about all the
things you could have studied.

Like my mother
wanted better for me.

Because we say serious things on
stage, like not having a father.

But then you guys laugh and make us
feel good for not having a father.

- But when it's just you and your laptop…
- [audience laughs]

not having a father
sounds a lot more serious.

You close your laptop,

you start walking
around your lounge.

Like, "f*ck, I need to
get hold of my father."

"I'm not over this sh*t."

[laughs softly]

I feel like we're
friends now. I can share.

- I watched all the porn on lockdown.
- [audience laughs]

I clocked that sh*t.

But I come quick,
so I save data.

[audience and Robby laughs]

I come when the shits still
buffering. [imitates releasing noise]

- All these circles.
- [audience laughs]

Sometimes I'll surprise
myself, I last a bit longer.

And then I'll come when
the plumber arrives.

- Like, "Ah, there we go."
- [audience laughs]

I'll tell you the truth,
I even f*cked around

and watched g*y porn. I
was like, "Let's see."

Maybe I have bad
luck in relationships

because I'm f*cking with
the wrong private parts.

Maybe I need a warm
p*nis in my life

to bring me joy.

It's crazy how the straight
men are freaked out [laughs]

whenever I do that joke. They're like,
"Ah, we're with the dad part, but…"

- [audience laughs]
- [Robby laughs]

"You've gone too
far, sir." [laughs]

It's unfair. It's
double standards.

Because men love women
performing sexual acts on them.

But the idea of doing that
to another man is terrifying.

It's absolutely
terrifying, like,

if somebody had a g*n to my mother's
head and said "Suck my p*nis

and you save your
mother's life."

I'd be like, "Yo, can
you hotspot me quickly?"

"I just want to
Google something."

Because I don't know who to ask.

I don't know who to ask when
it comes to sucking a p*nis.

Especially when you don't
have a father, you know.

How…

[intermittent laughter and
clapping from audience]

Where am I going to
get these answers from?

Ladies, next time
you're giving a blowjob,

wait for your man to
start enjoying it.

Wait for the moaning
and then stop.

And you open up your top drawer
and just pull out a dildo.

"Babe, show me what
you want me to do."

[audience laughs]

You will never suck
another p*nis in your life.

- [Robby laughs]
- [audience laughs]

You know, as a comedian usually
I wake up around 6:00 p.m.

- And…
- [audience laughs]

[laughs]

I check what's happening
on Pornhub and then...

- Because they update it daily. And…
- [audience laughs]

And… [laughs]

I have a lot of time on my hands
and start thinking about sh*t,

especially with lockdown I
started thinking about stuff,

because think...
we weren't working.

And I started thinking
about if I was a hobo

what would my hustle be?

As a comedian this
sh*t's not far off.

- So like, what would my…
- [audience laughs]

what would my hustle be

if I was a hobo?

Because as South Africans,

we are so use to poverty

that we no more just
accept a beggar.

Back in the day it was simple.

You just looked at a person…

[sighs] …and like, "Ah, shame, this
person is going through a tough time,

let me help him out."

Nowadays we've all turned
into judges from the Idols.

We don't just accept this…

We want to see what kind
of talents you have.

[audience laughs]

You know what I mean? We're fussy,
we're too use to this poverty.

Like you get to the traffic
lights and you're like,

"I know you're probably addicted to
drugs and your family don't talk to you,

but what you have
up your sleeve?"

[audience laughs]

"Show me how much you
want this five Rand."

Because where I stay in
Rosebank there's a guy who does

ten backflips in a
row. It's amazing.

Ten backflips in a row.

He waits for the
light to turn red.

Runs out, does ten backflips
and then goes to beg.

By the time he goes to beg he's
dizzy as f*ck. You don't know where…

He's first by the bonnet…

I'm like, bra, "Come
this side. This side."

And I see him every day. He
knows me from the streets.

He's like, "Rob, where's that
five Rand?" I'm like, "My man…

two more backflips."

[audience laughs]

We just don't trust
hobo's anymore.

Also because of our crime. We don't know
if it's another hustle to get robbed.

You know what I mean?
You don't know when it's…

are you really begging?

Or are you just softening
me up before you rob me?

And White folks, I
know you guys are here.

And I want to let you know

that it's okay to sometimes
judge a person of color.

If it's the individual.

Because I know everybody wants
to be politically correct now.

And you got to act like
you're cool with everyone.

And I know lots of
White people get robbed

because they don't want
to be called r*cist.

[audience and Robby laughs]

Because as people of color, we
judge each other, f*cked up.

You know when you get to the light
and you see a Colored brother

or a Black Brother, you're like,

- "Not today, Satan."
- [audience laughs]

"This is not a beggar."

- [audience laughs and claps]
- [Robby laughs]

I just don't trust hobos.
Even the blind ones. I'm like,

"You find me too quick."

[audience laughs]

"Like, look around first."

And they try and act
like they're blind.

They flip their eyes back and
the look like Storm from X-Men.

And then think…

like, "My man, your eyes are
going to stay like that."

[Robby chuckles]

"Like, make me feel
like you're blind."

"I'm in a Uber, how did you know
to come to the passenger side?"

- [Robby chuckles]
- [laughter from audience]

If I was a hobo, this is my hustle,
I thought about this long and hard.

I wait for the
light to turn red.

Wait for the light to turn red.
Act like I'm crossing the road.

And you don't panic at all.
You leave your window down.

Because I'm still
dressed like this.

Because I kept my ironing board.

And I'm crossing.

And then you think I'm just carrying
on and getting to where I want to be.

Then I back up quickly, bam!

I'm by your window.

You're f*cked. But you can't wind up
your window, otherwise you're r*cist.

You got to deal
with my hobo breath.

[laughs]

Because there's something about
hobo breath that feels strong.

Every time a hobo talks to you

it feels like all their
sentences start with a "H."

Like, "How's your day?" Ah, bra…

All this A*DS on my face.

[audience and Robby laughs]

So you guys were fine with
me not having a father,

but you panic for
A*DS. What's that?

Every time a hobo talks to you.
I'll be there in your face,

"How you doing?"

- "Is this a Hyundai or a Honda?"
- [audience laughs]

And you just look, you not
even making eye contact.

"Sorry, sir. I know it's
middle of the month,

but do you happen to
have a five Rand?"

People always do that thing…

And then I go,
"No, that's fine."

And then I just touch your face.

[audience laughs
and some screech]

Look you dead in the eyes
and say, "God bless."

Because a hobo touching your
face will f*ck up your day.

You will remember me when
you are on Jan Smuts.

You will nev... And I want to rub the
face. I want to get the bottom lip.

A hobo touching your face. You're
not going to work after that sh*t.

You doing a U-turn, going past the clinic
and going home to wait for your results.

- [audience laughs]
- [Robby chuckles]

I hope, I hope lockdown's
made us kinder people.

I hope so. I hope you're
being kinder to each other.

Next time you ask a
person how they're doing,

actually stick around and hear
how the f*ck they're doing.

But be nice to each other.

White people, please stop asking
us for money for rhinos and sh*t.

I'm not giving you
money for a rhino.

I do not give a f*ck...
that's one animal

I hate.

[audience laughs]

This is how much rhinos... First
of all, you remember The Lion King?

Two hours.

Does a rhino have any dialogue?

Hyena's talk that
whole f*cking movie.

If Disney don't give a f*ck about
you, I don't give a f*ck about you.

Not one rhino in that movie said

anything positive like,
"Yo, Mufasa, your brother…"

- [audience laughs]
- [Robby laughs]

Nothing.

Not one of us here. I know
there's some people here going,

"No, you can't say
f*ck the rhino."

But not one of us here have a
positive story about a rhino.

Or a good memory. Not one
of us are going to be like,

"Yo, I was getting burgled and then
my rhino started barking, yeah."

I'm 34.

When I grew up I
read about dinosaurs.

My kids can read about rhinos.

We'll be fine.

I'm not saying k*ll the rhino.

I'm just saying there's
way too much poverty

and suffering from human beings

for me to give my
five Rand to a rhino.

That's all I'm saying.

[audience applauds]

Even turtles.

- f*ck a turtle, guys. Turtles…
- [audience laughs]

Turtles live up
to 200 years old.

You telling me by 50 you
don't know what plastic is?

Nah. Nah, bra.

Help me help you, dog.

[audience laughs]

I just don't give a f*ck about
rhinos, that's all I'm saying.

You know, before
lockdown started,


the Cape Flats in one weekend.

One weekend. Not a long weekend.
Just a normal Friday to Sunday.

You don't need to be Colored to care.
You just need to be a human being.

When rhinos were dying there was a
rhino horn on every White persons car.


on the Cape Flats,

I didn't see one White person with
a gold tooth in their number plates.

[Robby and audience laughs]

I feel like you guys don't understand how
much I don't give a f*ck about rhinos.

Like, I feel like I need one more
joke to explain to you people

how much I don't give a
f*ck about a rhino. [laughs]

Imagine this.

It's 8:00 a.m. I just got home.

[audience laughs]

And…

I'm chilling in bed before I
sleep. I usually watch some porn.

And…

I'm chilling in bed, my
sh*t's still loading,

and… somebody barges
into my bedroom

and goes, "Rob, come quick." I'm
like, "Yeah, just keep it down."

- He's like, "No. Come quick."
- [audience laughs]

"There's a poacher with a
r*fle to a rhino's head.'

"We need you, come quick."

I walk outside. Truth be
told, there's a poacher

with a r*fle to a rhino's head.

I was like… The poacher
looks at me and goes,

"If you have five Rand on you,

you'll save this rhino's life."

I'm like, "f*ck."

And I eventually find a five
Rand, hand it to the poacher.

But behind him,

I see somebody
doing 12 backflips.

[audience and Robby laughs]

I'm going to ask the poacher, "Do
you mind just passing it to that…"

[screeching and
clapping from audience]

And that rhino is going
to look at me like, "Rob?"

And then I just touch his face.

Thank you very much, I'm
Robby Collins. Peace.

[cheering and applause
from audience]

[deep base theme music playing]