Scared Shitless (2024)

[bunniefuu]

[alarm blaring]

[glass shattering]

[coughing]

[alarm continues blaring]

sh*t.

sh*t!

[car door opens]

[car door closes]

- [panting heavily]

- [sirens blaring]

[low guttural growl]

[loud snarling]

[menacing music playing]

[creature screeching, chittering]

[rock music playing]

[volume increases]

[sizzling]

- [man screams on TV]

- [chuckles] Oh, yeah.

Ooh! Ow!

Whoa.

- ["Innocence" by Harlequin playing]

- [automated voice on TV] Game on.

[TV volume increases]

[game character] You're both gone!

No time to pretend

Innocence

[singer vocalizes]

Innocence

[singer vocalizes]

Innocence

[singer vocalizes]

[game plays loudly]

Yeah!

[volume increases]

Don't you try...

[volume increases]

[song continues]

[Don] Sonny, dinner.

... when I first met you

[Don] Sonny! Dinner!

Sonny!

- All right. Damn it.

- [turns off TV]

It's getting cold, Sonny.

[tap running]

If you keep washing like that,

there's not gonna be any skin left.

[Sonny grunts softly]

[water running]

[rock music plays on radio]

[exhales]

[Don sighs in exasperation]

I, um, I spit-shined those myself, so...

Okay.

[Sonny exhales]

To my favorite son.

To my f*cked-up stomach.

[Don] Nice. Cheers.

Mmm.

Ah, man.

You know, it...

It sucks, the bad stomach thing,

but I think this germ thing

might suck more.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think they're connected.

But, you know, I'm trying to...

I'm trying to deal with it.

Hmm. What did your therapist lady say?

Um, she said my phobia is related

to what happened to Mom.

Look, I don't...

I don't want you thinking

that what happened to your mother

could happen to you. Okay?

Because that was

a one-in-a-million germ thing.

Okay?

Sonny, the germs... germs are everywhere.

Okay? They're on everything.

I mean, do you have any idea

how many germs

you're touching and drinking and...

and eating all day long?

Millions upon millions of germs.

And germs actually are there

to make you stronger.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Okay, I... I get it.

I'm dealing with it.

All right?

[cutlery clinking]

You know, it was a tragedy

what happened to your mother,

but these are the cards we're dealt,

and we're not in the business

of feeling sorry for ourselves.

So what do we do?

Stay in bed all day? That's pretty good.

I like doing that.

[Don imitates buzzer]

We're not gonna stay in bed all day.

What we're gonna do is keep busy. Okay?

We keep busy, because

that's what keeps the grief at bay.

We stay busy by working together.

What? Wait, uh, together?

Like, you want me to work with you

as a plumber?

Yes. I think it'll be good for you.

W... W... Well, what about my... my...

my phobia? What about all the germs?

I... I... I could die.

You're not gonna die, Sonny. Okay? And...

I mean...

don't you, uh...

trust me?

Yeah.

Okay. So good.

Yeah.

I'm glad...

because you got your first gig

with me tonight.

- Wait, what? Tonight?

- Mm-hmm. Eat up.

Yeah, we got to get going soon.

[ominous music playing]

[fire crackling, rumbling]

[grunts]

[groans in pain]

[panting]

[creature screeching]

[man] Not now!

[seat belt alarm dings]

[starts car engine]

["The Boys In The Bright White Sports Car"

by Trooper playing]

Here they come

The boys in the bright white

sports car

Waving their arms in the air

Who do they think they are?

And where did they get that car?

There they go

The boys in the bright white

sports car

Honking at all the girls

It's jack...

- [barrier arm crunches]

- [thud]

[Sonny inhales sharply]

I don't think I can do this.

[Don] Oh, come on. Yeah, you can.

I'm gonna be sick.

Ah, come on.

You got this, Sonny. You got this.

We should probably pick up

some more of this stuff, eh?

I got you covered.

We got a whole case back there for you.

[Sonny] Phew!

Thank God.

Nah, don't thank God.

Thank Costco.

[starts car engine]

["Day by Day"

by Doug and the Slugs playing]

Bad news don't ruin my appetite

Don't let the papers tell me

If it's wrong or right

I just do what I do and I do...

- [turns off radio]

- [Don] Whoa!

Hey, that was some classic Canadian rock.

Look, I get it, all right?

I wouldn't want to work

with my old man either.

No, it's not that.

I just haven't used a stranger's bathroom

since I can remember,

let alone stick my hand in a toilet.

Okay, look at this...

Maybe don't look at it like a nightmare.

Look at this as like an opportunity to,

to face your fears. Okay?

[brakes screech]

- [man] Whoa!

- Jesus Christ!

Watch it, dumb-a*s.

What is he yelling at me for?

[Sonny] It's cool. Don't...

Man, let's just relax.

What is... What...

I should get out there and just boom!

One punch, knock him out.

Boom, uppercut.

You're lucky my son's in the car.

Okay. Just forget it.

I'm not gonna forget anything.

You remember that time

you fought Philly Catapano

in junior hockey?

He was picking on you,

pushing you around.

And you fought, right?

You fought him back.

Your mother and I

were so proud of you that day.

Okay, first of all,

I was crying the whole time.

Oh, watch out!

- Jesus!

- [woman] Oh, my God, you guys.

- Again?

- I almost just got hit by a car.

Okay, that's two people

you've almost k*lled in 30 seconds.

Well, she... Her... Her face was

buried in her phone, right?

I mean... [scoffs]

And that other big jackass, that bald guy.

What was he doing? Giving me the finger?

[sighs in exasperation]

- So are you gonna say something or...

- [Sonny exhales]

You know, I could have

said no to you tonight.

Yeah, you could have, but you didn't.

So why?

Well, because...

[exhales]

Because I don't want this phobia

to kick my a*s anymore.

I wa... I want to be more like

the old version of myself,

you know, back when I was,

uh, you know, cool.

And I could touch stuff

without being scared of it.

And I could go outside, and...

I didn't have to worry

about everything that I...

interact with.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

I really am.

[rattling, clattering]

- [paper crinkling]

- [rattling]

- What is that?

- Oh, it's a present.

[intriguing score]

What are these? Ski gloves?

[scoffs] Are you kidding me?

Ski gloves? No!

Those are Titan Fives.

Those are high flex, cut resistant.

The best damn work gloves in the market.

Oh. Well, thanks, Dad.

Yeah, I mean me,

all the best plumbers

in the world use them.

And, uh, now so do you.

- Okay.

- Look at that. Fits like a glove.

- Ooh.

- [Don chuckles]

Now, these things...

Not a germ in the world

that can get through those.

Wow, that's really thoughtful of you.

Thank you for that.

[clears throat] You are most welcome.

So, what do you say?

- [car door opens]

- Huh?

Yeah.

[suspenseful music playing]

Hi. Welcome to Palmer Estate.

How can I help you?

Thank you.

We're here to fix Mrs. Applebaum's toilet.

Have you been here before?

Uh, yeah.

Coming on and off here for years.

Right. I'm just gonna

check the maintenance log.

Oh, okay. Sure.

[Don chuckles]

It's a nice place.

Yeah. It's quiet.

I guess everyone's gone

for the long weekend?

Yeah.

Uh, okay. Uh...

- Donahue Plumbing?

- Yeah, that's us.

Well, Donahue and son.

Hey, I know you.

Uh, I don't think so.

No, no, I definitely do.

Um... Sonny.

Sonny. Right?

We had chemistry in first year.

- [Don] Hmm.

- Right... Yeah.

What was your name again?

Patricia.

Yeah. You're pre-med, right?

[Patricia] Yeah. Good memory.

Uh, I haven't had much time for school

since my dad got sick.

Ah! Sorry about that.

So you're a plumber?

Uh, just working with my dad.

Yeah. I don't want to interrupt all this,

but where's the guy

who normally works here?

- Jeff. Jim. Jeff.

- [Patricia] Um...

- Yeah, Jim.

- [Don] Jim...

He passed away last month.

Yeah. Aneurysm.

We found him sitting

in the lobby bathroom.

It was very uncomfortable for everybody.

Found him sitting on the toilet?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Well... [chuckles awkwardly]

sh*t happens.

Her colleague dies in the toilet

and you bust out a "sh*t happens"?

How about a little sensitivity?

- I was being sensitive.

- Well...

- Uh, where to?

- Press two.

Two.

- [click]

[elevator doors rumbling]

[doors thud closed]

[Muzak plays quietly]

Work accident.

Well, I hear ya.

It looks...

No, it wasn't.

I changed my mind.

- It wasn't a work accident?

- No.

- [elevator dings]

- Don't talk about it.

- Dude's creepy.

- Yeah, really creepy.

[farting]

What was that?

Nothing. Nothing.

I'm... I'm nervous.

You fart when you're nervous? Come on.

- Well...

- You're a professional now.

We're on the job.

Look, lesson number one tonight.

If you're gonna do something...

[farts loudly; Grunts]

you do it right.

- [elevator dings]

[both laughing]

- Good evening.

- [man] Good evening.

Excuse us. Thank you.

[woman sniffing]

Meatloaf. [Laughing]

I can't believe

they tried to shut us down.

Destroying our work.

If only they understood

the... the extent of your...

evolutionary magnificence that I created.

[creature snorts]

I'm a God.

And your father.

[liquid bubbling]

And together...

one day soon, we're gonna...

we're gonna rule the world.

- [creature purring]

- [liquid bubbling]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, baby.

Yeah. No...

I will never let anyone

or anything harm you.

I will love you unconditionally.

And I will protect you

and care for you and love you until...

[screaming]

[continues screaming]

Get off me!

- [plate shattering]

- [continues screaming]

[grunting]

[creature screeching]

[panting]

f*ck it! We'll start from scratch.

[light coughing]

[creature chittering]

[man screaming]

[water gurgling]

Now Mrs. Applebaum calls me

every couple of weeks.

She's just lonely. Loves to talk.

This should be an easy first gig for you.

Get in, get out.

Call it a night.

[Sonny clears throat]

- Maybe she fell down the toilet.

- [Don laughs]

Plumbing humor, Son. I love it. I love it.

Isn't that the guy you almost ran over?

[Don] Now it all makes sense.

That's why he was such an as*h*le.

Maintenance workers.

- Hm.

- [Don] Those guys?

Huge rivalry.

Goes back centuries.

[knocking on door]

- Really?

- Yeah.

Started with the Romans back in...

Now, there she is. Aah!

So good to see you, Mrs. Applebaum.

You look beautiful.

[laughing] Thank you.

- Come in.

- Oh! Thank you.

- Hello.

- All right.

Good to see you, too. Come in.

[sighs happily] You are my knights

in shining blue overalls tonight.

[chuckling]

Would anyone like some coffee? Tea?

- [dog barks]

Uh, no. I'm good.

[Mrs. Applebaum] Oh, Daisy!

- Oh, my goodness! Daisy!

- Oh! Oh!

[Mrs. Applebaum] Oh, Daisy! Off! Off!

Oh, I'm so, so sorry.

- [Sonny] It's okay.

- Honestly, it's okay.

[Mrs. Applebaum] Out! Out! I'm so sorry.

- Cool.

- [Don] No, no, no.

She's just a puppy.

No, Mrs. Applebaum, don't be sorry.

Please. Where I come from,

a little pee is good luck.

- [Don laughs]

- [Mrs. Applebaum laughs along]

[laughing] Yeah.

Okay, so, um, what's the problem?

Oh, it's the toilet.

[sighs] It's acting really strange.

Okay. Did you try plunging?

Yeah, I tried plunging,

but I'm no match for it.

Okay. Well, you do not worry

about a thing, Mrs. A,

because that's why I get the big bucks.

Okay? So, what do you say we...

we go check it out?

- Let's check out her toilet. Yeah.

- Okay.

[Mrs. Applebaum] Please. Thank you.

Okay.

Well...

Ah. That's a simple clog.

Yeah.

Typical of old girls like this.

- Toilet, Dad, not a boat.

- [laughs]

Right.

Right. Okay.

Well, Mrs. A, my more than

capable assistant Sonny here

will be able to clear

this clog up in no time.

Oh, uh, I thought

I was just shadowing you.

[Don] Hmm.

Right.

Well, it's just a clog, Sonny.

- Easy little fix, right?

- Okay.

My boy's got it. All right, Mrs. A.

You got this, buddy. After you, ma'am.

Huh?

[sighs]

[water squelching]

[grunting]

It won't budge.

I think there's something big

stuck in the flange.

Dad! Maybe you should just

come in here and take a look.

Oh, you got this, okay?

Lis... Are you listening to me?

No.

Perfect.

Okay. Put the plunger down

and now reach on in

and find the obstruction.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not doing that.

Sonny, you're wearing Titan Fives.

In my day, didn't even wear gloves.

No, I'm not doing that. Just come in here.

Okay. Listen, Sonny.

Lesson number two this evening, okay?

Sometimes, you wanna take

responsibility in life,

you're gonna get your hands

a little dirty.

And when you get your hands

a little dirty,

sometimes your arm gets a little dirty.

The point is, it's all how we deal

with the mess in our life.

Does that make sense to you?

[retching]

[breathes heavily, gags]

[exclaims in disgust]

[ominous music playing]

[farting]

[loud clang]

- [water bubbling]

- [metal creaking]

[screams]

Mmm!

[smacking lips]

Mmm.

Mrs. A, you make the best

matzo ba*ls I've ever had.

Thank you. [Chuckles]

[Sonny] Dad?

- Dad, I need you. I can't do this.

- Yeah. Hold your horses. I'm coming.

Please.

Yes. What is it?

Are you kidding me?

Here, look.

It's not that difficult, okay?

Get in there...

[Don grunts]

[Don straining]

And just find obstruction, like I said.

- Yeah. Here we go.

- [water drains]

- Yeah.

- [Mrs. Applebaum] My goodness. [Laughs]

I'd wondered what had happened to those.

I had to go out and buy new ones.

- Yeah.

- Well, Mrs. A, wonder no more.

You now got yourself a backup pair.

I'd just go and rinse those

in the kitchen sink.

- Oh, thank you.

- They'll be just like new.

[laughs] All right, Mrs. A.

- Losing your dentures down the toilet.

- [water bubbling]

- Oh.

- [water gurgling]

[muffled burbling]

[Don] What the f*ck?

[mysterious music]

- [music playing quietly]

- [cutlery clinking]

Hubert...

You know what tonight is, correct?

Our anniversary?

And what do we do on our anniversary?

Is it your turn, or is it mine?

How dare you ask me that, you little worm!

[fork clinks onto plate]

[voice breaking] I'm sorry.

You go to your room,

take off your clothes

and think about the trouble you're in.

Think about it long...

and hard.

[elevator dings]

This profession, you see a lot of sh*t,

but not a lot of blood.

We'll go down to the boiler room

to check this out.

Wait. What? What? No, no, no, no.

We did what we had to do.

We came here. Let's just go home.

Look, sometimes when you fix one problem,

two more bubble up, okay?

The job is over when I say it's over.

- Are you kidding me?

Okay, I'm-I'm-I'm dying here.

I'm freaking dying here,

and you're coming at me with this

make work garbage?

Your mother did not like whining.

The bottom line is

we see the job through to the end.

Now, put on your big boy pants

and you're gonna become a man.

Some man.

[Don] Hey.

Is that blood?

[Sonny] Ah, it's nothing.

Uh... Well, we don't know

exactly what it is,

but we just need to get down

to that boiler room.

- Okay? Should I be worried?

- [Sonny] Eh...

Uh, no. I mean, there's nothing

really to worry about right now.

We just... It's precautionary.

We saw something that was...

out of the ordinary, so we just want to

make sure everything's okay,

Right. Okay. Yeah, sure.

Uh, can you just keep quiet

about this, though?

I don't need any of the residents

sticking their nose into it.

- They won't even know we're there.

- For sure.

Thank you. It's all good.

- [Sonny] All good.

- [Don] Just want to check it out.

- [Sonny] All good.

Remember me bringing you

down to the boiler room?

It was one of my first jobs, actually.

[Sonny] Yeah. Fond memories.

Fond memories of that.

You know that the ancient Romans

first used toilets 1st century BC?

Yeah, I know. Everyone knows that.

Oh, really? Everyone knows that?

It's common knowledge?

[Sonny] Yeah, it is.

Oh. Didn't realize that.

- Ow! Jesus! That's hot.

- What?

[Sonny] That is a really hot pipe.

Hang on. Hold on.

You're telling me that this hot water pipe

is hot?

- Gosh, Sonny. Come on.

- Is it supposed to be that hot?

Well...

'Cause it's really hot.

It's freakin' hot.

Actually, no.

No, you're... No, that's...

That's way too hot. That could be a...

probably blocked flue

or ventilation or something.

Sonny, what are you...

Come on. Safety first. Gloves on.

[Sonny] All right.

Might help with the old hot pipes too,

right, if you're wearing a glove?

Yeah.

Crazy concept, huh?

- [loud thumping]

- [creaking]

[Sonny] Why does that sound very wrong?

Well, that's because it is.

f*ck.

[growly purr]

Rawr!

[water gurgling]

What the freak!

[bubbling, gurgling]

- [pipes creaking loudly]

- [gasps]

[straining]

[Hubert] Master, are you done in there?

I'll call for you when I'm ready, Worm.

[Hubert] You are so powerful.

Oh, what in heaven!

- [bubbling]

- [sighs in exasperation]

[Hubert cries out]

[Hubert] Me and my doobie

are getting lonely.

Uh-oh.

My doobie is standing up.

It's being a bad little doobie.

[sighs] Can't you...

I know you want to spice things up.

I'm trying to stay in character.

- [Hubert] I love your character.

- I'm playing ball here,

but I need a frickin' second.

Mmm.

Oh!

[both chuckling]

Oh!

[both chuckle]

On all fours.

Like the obedient dog you are.

[Hubert barks, pants]

[barks]

You've been a naughty boy, haven't you?

[laughs] Yes. Very, very naughty.

You know what happens to naughty boys?

Tell me, Master, what happens?

They get punished.

- Oh!

- [chittering]

- [screaming]

- Punish me! Punish me!

[both screaming]

[squelching]

- [screeching]

- [distorted screaming]

You see that?

[Sonny] Looks like hair.

No. That's all you can see is hair?

I mean, look at that. It's a whole...

No. Are you kidding me?

No, no.

[coughing]

- That's no rat.

- [shuddering]

Oh, what the f*ck?

[coughing]

Ugh.

I mean, something shredded this huge sack.

[distant screeching]

What the f*ck is that? Is that an animal?

Sounds big.

I don't know.

I don't know what that...

Just hang on.

These tanks...

All right? These tanks. Look...

Most of the people

in the building are gone, right?

So, we could run this entire system

off these two tanks.

No way. Let's get out of here.

- We did our job. Let's just leave.

- No.

We can shut down

the main building sewer line, all right,

and find out what

the hell is going on with these things.

- Look at this.

- We gotta call the cops,

or an exterminator or something.

- That thing sounds f*cking dangerous.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- An exterminator?

- Yeah.

You just said call a g*dd*mn exterminator?

Pipes are my jurisdiction, Sonny.

You know that. Okay?

Now, come on. Let's figure this out.

We're gonna get to the bottom of it.

Find out what's going on.

I mean, look at this.

For f*ck's sake,

there's blood coming out of the toilet.

There's a mutilated human body part.

I'm calling the f*cking cops.

No, no, no. That's not how we...

Sonny, come on.

We're in this together now, all right?

We figure out what's...

what's going on.

[squelch]

[exciting music]

Whoa! What happened? Are you okay?

- We need to call the cops.

- What... What? Why?

'Cause there's something

swimming around in the pipes,

and you're gonna need a lot more

than just a plumber.

- Okay. Slow down. What do you mean?

- You're gonna need a priest,

or that big game Aussie hunter

park warden guy from Jurassic Park.

Can you just keep your voice down?

Look, whatever it is,

can't you guys just k*ll it?

- What is that, anyways?

- No, I don't know,

but I think it might've hurt someone.

We need to call the cops.

And tell them what?

- Oh, I don't know.

How about

there's something in the building

that's biting off people's c*ck?

[shushing]

We can't call the cops.

- Why?

Because there is a sale pending

on the building,

and if any cop reports come out,

then the whole deal is blown.

f*ck the deal.

Who gives a sh*t about the deal?

I do. Okay? I do.

Look, this is my building,

my family's building,

and I need to make sure

that that sale closes.

My dad's life depends on it.

Look, all of my family's money

is tied up in this place. Okay?

My parents even leveraged money

against it to pay my dad's medical bills

and to put me through college.

And if this deal doesn't go through,

then all of my family's money

goes to the bank and...

my dad doesn't get his treatment.

[sighs]

Okay, but what if somebody else gets hurt?

Look, I'll make it worth your while.

How much worth my while?

[sighs wearily]

I didn't know my son

had such a mind for business.

She's got a problem.

We need the money.

Huh. You don't hate it

as much as you thought, do you?

- No, I still hate it.

- [device beeping]

Hang on. I think we hit something.

Yeah? Let me see.

What is that?

- [Sonny] I don't know.

- No, I can't... I can't see what that is.

Here, take this out.

I'm gonna get the snake.

Okay? Here, pull that out.

- Okay.

- Snake time.

[groans] Yeah.

Just put it on the floor. I'll clean it.

- You okay?

- Nope.

Okay. Good. This thing...

This is incredible.

You just got to...

find its pretty little hole.

- Okay?

- Uh, no.

Okay.

Hang in there, bud, we're good.

There, that should do it.

Okay.

- [ticking]

- It is conf... There we go.

It's like... like catching a fish.

- Yeah.

- Got it. I got something.

Okay. Get that pail.

Get that pail. Get it open. Okay?

- Bucket open?

- Yeah.

[both exclaiming]

God!

[gagging]

[groans in disgust]

What the hell did Mrs. Applebaum eat?

I don't know.

Whatever it is, it didn't come out of her.

I mean, I hope.

[woman] Yeah.

It's not clogged or anything.

It just literally won't flush at all.

- Right. Okay.

I don't know if I should call somebody.

- No, no, no, no.

Hey, Patricia. The problem

in Mrs. Applebaum's toilet

is kind of bigger than we thought.

Yes. Thank you so much.

Yes, this is Lauren.

She's one of our residents.

So if you give us a moment,

then we can just...

Wait. No, this is actually perfect.

- Now I won't have to call a plumber.

- Right.

Uh, yes. 'Cause Lauren is actually

having some trouble with her toilet.

So maybe one of you could go and check?

Yeah, I'd love to.

I'm just really busy right now.

Maybe your boyfriend

could just take a look.

No, I live alone.

What? Really?

You're not... you're not married?

- Oh, my God.

- No, I'm actually happy being on my own.

Okay. Great conversation. Dad, how about

you help this young lady with her problem,

- and I'll catch up Patricia on this thing?

- Sure. Okay. Sorry. Yeah.

- Thank you.

- [Don] Okay, you've got that.

Okay. Well, let's take a look at her.

[grunts]

Okay.

Okay...

No, it won't flush.

You don't say.

So, uh...

Number one or number two.

Is that really relevant?

Well, it's too early to tell,

but yeah, it just might be.

A number one.

Okay. Hey, look, honesty is very important

between the plumber and the client. Okay?

I mean, next to discretion, obviously.

So... [chuckles]

Uh... May I?

- Yeah?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

[slams toilet lid]

Oh, come on.

You said that was a number one.

It's a number one where I come from.

Oh, lady, then you and I come from

very different places

if that's what you call a number one.

I mean, how much fiber

are you getting in your diet?

That is none of your business.

Can you just fix my toilet?

Yeah. Okay. Yes. Yeah, right. I'm just...

Okay. Of course.

Of course. Yeah.

Wait... Wait, that was not me.

[thumping, gurgling]

What is this?

That is what we found

in Applebaum's toilet.

Ugh.

Wait. What are those?

- Are those eggs?

- Yeah, that's what it looks like.

- Eggs.

- [sighs]

Great.

Hmm.

Okay,

[rattling]

[pipes creaking, rattling]

Hmm.

Hmm.

[both screaming]

What? [Screaming]

[screaming]

[laughing] It's got... He's got my...

Oh, my. Your face.

What is wrong with you?!

I'm just messing around with you.

It's actually just the, the flapper

here on the flush valve.

Two minutes. I got one in my bag here.

[Sonny] What do you think?

Ostrich egg or...

Do you really think

there's ostriches in the pipes?

I don't know.

Like a lizard, or...

a toad, or a possum, or something?

Mmm. Possums don't lay eggs.

They're marsupials.

- So it wouldn't be that.

- [gulps] Ugh.

Ugh. God! How do you touch that stuff?

Oh, come on.

Stop being such a baby.

Come on. Come here.

Oh. Oh.

- [Sonny hyperventilating]

- Okay. Yeah.

[toilet flushing]

Yeah.

Yeah, she's good. Yeah, she's good.

- She? Seriously?

- What's with everyone today?

I've been calling them "she" for 30 years.

Okay, you know what?

I actually have some work to do.

- So, thank you.

- Okay, yeah. No, you're welcome.

I'll invoice Patricia downstairs. Yeah?

Yeah. That would be great. Thank you.

[Don] You're welcome.

[seductive music playing]

Hey, guys.

Okay, so the plumber just left.

I know what you're thinking, but no,

this had nothing to do with his pipes.

Anyways, now that it's all fixed,

let's start the show.

Oh. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

No, no, It's okay. It's okay.

It's gone. It's gone.

- It's gone. It's gone.

- [gasping] I can't breathe.

- I can't breathe.

- Okay. Okay.

Just inhale. No?

Okay. Okay. That's okay. It's okay.

Just... Just take my hand.

Here. Here, here. Ready?

Okay. Breathe in. Breathe with me.

[inhales] Hold. Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Hold. Breathe out.

Breathe in, hold.

Breathe out.

- Okay. One, two, breathe out.

- [breathes normally]

Nice. Yeah.

[Don] Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I'll let myself out.

- Gooby fingers and all.

- [door closes]

Thank you.

Okay.

[ominous music playing]

Hello?

[objects clattering]

Hello?

Hey, it's Donahue Plumbing.

Hello?

Hello?

[stuttering] Donahue Plumbing.

Is anyone...

Oh, no, no, no.

[inhales sharply]

[gasps]

[dramatic music] Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

[exhales]

Hey.

Buddy?

[squelching]

Oh, buddy, you...

Hey...

- [blood squelching]

- [man gasps]

Jeez!

- Oh, f*ck! What...

- Where is she?

Where... who?

- Where is she?

- Who?

- Project X.

- What?

The most cunning k*lling machine

mankind has ever known.

I created her.

Then I tried to destroy her.

But, alas, she got the best of me.

[coughs] She's gonna get

the best of you, too.

All of you.

[in sing-song voice] Doomed.

[Don] Wha...

Hey, what... Wait, what?

Doomed? Who's... Who's...

Who's gonna get us?

What?

What do you mean?

Oh, you m*therf*cker.

- [panting] Oh, okay.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Wow.

That hasn't happened to me in a long time.

Yeah, um, I used to get them all the time

as a kid, so I get it.

Sorry, I have a thing with germs.

Right. So plumbing is

a good line of work for you, then?

Yeah, well, my dad thinks

it'll be good for me to...

[exhales] kind of get over it.

Right. Right.

Yeah, I guess. Like exposure therapy.

Sure.

- Yeah.

- [Don over radio] Sonny, do you copy?

- I repeat. Do you...

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Dad, I'm here. What's going on?

- [beep]

Thank God. Are you okay? Are you safe?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm safe.

I'm with Patricia. What's the deal?

[beep]-Stay clear of

any open pipes or toilets,

you hear? And meet me

at room 504 right away.

- [beep]

- All right. Sure.

Copy.

There we go. H... Hold on. It's...

It's... It's...

It's not pretty.

- Oh, my God!

- Oh! Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. Is he dead?

[Don] No, no, no, no.

He's just... He's napping.

Yeah. Jesus, he's dead.

What the hell could have done this to him?

I don't know. He was...

He was babbling about some creature...

wasn't human.

Some experiment gone wrong.

Project X.

- I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Oh, my God.

What are we gonna do

with the body?

[Don sighs]

- [Patricia] Oh, my God.

- [Sonny] I'm sorry.

- No! I mean, I guess we can...

- Sorry.

Take turns throwing up on him,

if that's what we want to.

You know, let's...

You guys, there's bigger fish to fry.

Let's... Let's leave him.

Come on, Sonny,

let's wipe that mouth, buddy.

Wipe that mouth.

- [Sonny] Sorry about that.

[Don] That's okay. Don't...

Just don't get it on me.

Okay, guys. So I know that

you're expecting the usual tonight,

but today I thought I'd try something

a little bit different.

Something a bit more titillating.

- [chuckles]

- [toilet gurgles]

[pipes creaking]

Okay, that was weird.

I'm just gonna ignore that. [Chuckles]

[hip hop music playing]

I said a lot of things

that you never should say

Told the... one thing

Start drinking lemonade

I put that juice in my cup

Sauce on everything

You know what's up

Same thing

Slip and slide waterfalls

You and me, uh-huh

It's a ride

I'm saving it's a ride...

Let me know if you have any requests

in the comments.

[music continues]

[phone dinging]

[gurgling]

[pipes rattling and creaking]

[phone alerts dinging]

Sure. It looks like we're still having

some problems with the pipes.

- [pipe creaks loudly]

- Maybe one of you guys can help me.

Okay.

[bubbling]

[music continues]

[phone alerts dinging]

[notifications dinging rapidly]

Oh, you guys like that, huh?

I thought you might.

[screaming]

[creature chittering]

[Patricia] Christmas party...

- You knew the guy. How could this...

- God.

I don't know. Look at this.

How the heck am I supposed

to figure this out?

[Don groans]

[bag thuds]

[sighs loudly]

Toilet is safe and secure,

but unfortunately,

you're gonna have to hold it

until we catch or k*ll

whatever this creature is.

Oh, that's fine. Uh, at worst,

we can all just pee in the sink.

[Don chuckles]

Yeah. Yeah, it's... It's an option. Um...

You might want to get rid

of these things here first.

Oh, what have we got here?

Now, what are you?

- [Mrs. Applebaum] There we are.

Oh, that's all right.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Applebaum.

Anything you need, honey.

Oh. What exactly are you

doing in there, huh?

I just want to say how special it is

to have all of you here.

[creature screeching softly]

Oh, hi there!

It just means so much to me.

You're just a harmless... [screams]

- [barking]

- [Patricia] Oh, my God!

[Sonny] Oh, my God!

All right. Okay. No, it's okay. It's okay.

- We can fix this. We can...

- How are you gonna fix this?

Here, here. Here. Put this on it.

Apply pressure. Pressure to it.

- [barking]

- [Don groans in pain]

Put some... put some pressure on it.

Oh, my God.

We have the same blood.

So it's not that gross. It's not gross.

It's not that gross.

[Don cries out in pain]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

m*therf*cker!

Here! Here, here, here. Take it.

- [dog barking]

- [Don groaning loudly]

- [Patricia] Sonny?

- [Don] I'm sorry, Sonny.

- Sonny.

- What?!

[Patricia] They're hatching.

[creatures squealing]

They're hatching. They're hatching.

Sonny.

- They're hatching.

- [Patricia] Sonny, come on. Do something.

[dramatic music]

[Patricia; Distorted] Sonny, come on.

Sonny, come on. Do something.

[voices distorting]

- [sizzling]

- [creatures screeching]

What the f*ck! They're f*cking melting.

- That's a good thing.

- Quiet, girl. For once.

You know how in a horror movie

all the idiot character has to do

- is just call the cops?

- Yeah.

Yeah, we're just gonna call the cops.

That is the smartest thing

you have said all night.

Well, among the other smart things

that you have said.

Mrs. Applebaum, will you be okay

if we go and call the cops?

Yes.

Yes, you go.

I'll keep busy with this mess.

Hey, Mrs. Applebaum...

can we borrow a few things?

Uh-huh. Yes.

[line ringing]

[operator] 911. What's your emergency?

[Patricia] Hi. Hi. Yes. Hi.

Okay. Um, so I know this is gonna sound

ridiculous, so just please hear me out.

There is a creature in my plumbing,

and it is attacking out of the toilets.

It's k*lling everyone in my building.

It's laid a bunch of eggs,

and it keeps growing bigger and bigger,

and it's gonna start k*lling

even more.-Okay, ma'am.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Do you know what the penalty is

for a fake emergency?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't understand.

This is not a fake emergency.

A toilet creature?

Please, we have enough problems tonight

with a three alarm lab fire.

No, look, I know

that it sounds ridiculous, okay?

No, ma'am. You're ridiculous.

- Oh!

- [line disconnects]

f*ck!

You really think

it's gonna work?

I sure hope so.

Unless you have a better idea.

Other than hightailing it out of here?

No, I do not.

I mean, does this stuff actually work?

Uh, I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I'm going cold turkey from now on.

Really? What about that

wonky stomach of yours, huh?

I don't know. I'll figure it out.

Hey, we gotta take out

whatever laid those eggs.

That dead guy up there?

He said that thing was pretty big, right?

You for real?

Yeah.

f*ck, yeah.

That's my boy, huh?

- That's my boy. That's my boy.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- All right?

- Yeah.

Let's get that f*ck. Okay?

- Yeah.

- Let's do this.

- Yeah.

- All right.

Yeah.

Ah... yeah. [Sucks teeth]

Uh...

You gotta do something about that finger.

Agreed.

- [button clicks]

- [flesh sizzling]

- [muffled screaming]

What are you doing? Oh, my God!

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Oh, why?

[Don groans]

- You okay?

- It worked.

Hey, you're either the dumbest person

on earth or the toughest, Dad.

[grunts] Yeah.

I think a bit of both. Right?

[groans]

Like father, like son?

Yeah.

Man.

You f*cking ready?

f*cking right.

f*ck, yeah.

[rock music playing]

Somebody call a plumber?

- [music stops]

- No. Guys, focus.

Look, this creature stuff,

it's way worse than we thought.

- Yeah, we know.

- No, no, you don't. Okay? Look.

It'll continue to self-replicate

and embed itself in our ecosystem

until it's eliminated

everything off of the face of the earth.

[whining]

[rattling loudly]

[barking]

[Daisy continues barking]

Daisy?

[Daisy barking]

Daisy!

Oh, God.

[Daisy continues barking]

Daisy?

- Daisy!

- [barking]

[screaming]

[Patricia] People, animals, plants,

bugs... everything will be gone.

That as*h*le up there,

he created the ultimate apex predator.

Well, that's bullshit, because you've got

the ultimate apex predator right here.

He's mean, tall,

and we've got enough pink bismuth

to blow this m*therf*cker to kingdom come.

So forget your research.

- We've got work to do.

- Yeah.

[barking]

Daisy.

f*ck! Mrs. Applebaum.

[door creaking]

[Sonny] Oh, my God.

[Daisy woofs]

- Is that her shoe?

- Yeah.

[electricity crackling]

- Guys... Guys...

- [creature screeching]

- [Daisy barking]

- Sure she's got the bag?

- [barking]

- [screeching, chittering]

Go, go, hit it!

- What do we do?

- Keep hitting.

- [Don exclaims]

- Ow!

Go get help.

Go get the cavalry!

What? No! f*ck that!

I'm not leaving you.

[barking]

I lost your mother,

and I'm not gonna lose you too, okay?

I miss her every g*dd*mn day.

Dad, I'm not gonna leave you.

- Go!

- No.

Sonny. Come on. Sonny, we have to go.

I love you, too.

- Go! Just go.

- [Patricia] Sonny.

- Sonny, come on.

- Go.

Sonny, come on. Let's go.

[creature snarling]

Come on. Come on, Sonny.

We gotta go, Sonny.

[barking]

Daisy...

Get ready for this.

One, two...

three. Ow!

- [creature chittering]

- [Don yelling]

- [objects crashing]

- [Daisy barking]

- [Don grunts]

- [thump]

[creature chitters, groans loudly]

- [objects clattering]

- [Daisy barking]

[loud thump]

[Daisy barking]

[Daisy squeals]

[melancholic music playing]

[Patricia sniffling]

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Sonny.

No.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

[elevator bell dings]

Sometimes...

sh*t happens.

[Patricia gasps]

You know, I'm not really sure

I want this building anymore.

I'm long screwed.

- You guys have insurance, right?

- Yeah. Of course.

My dad told me this story once

about this building kind of like this

that blew up.

Wait, what? How?

- You see this septic tank?

- Yeah.

That's an old system.

If we can shut off that ventilation and

trap the methane, it'll start to build up,

and that tank becomes a b*mb.

Wait, like blow up the building?

Yeah. Then you can collect your insurance.

You're good with your creditors.

See?

Every problem has a solution.

We just need to find some way

to lure that f*ck down here and trap it.

[Patricia] Wait.

Does all the building's sewage

have to filter in through this room?

Yeah.

Well, what if we just

fill the pipes upstairs

with your pink stuff?

I mean, that'll force it down here, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, that could work.

Then we just have to get some

nasty-a*s bait out of that tank.

Somehow.

By "we" you mean...

you mean me, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah. [Clears throat]

[metal creaking]

You're gonna do great.

- You're a hero, Patricia.

- Oh, shut up!

[exclaims in disgust]

You're a real hero.

Oh, God.

- [Patricia retches and coughs]

[Patricia] Ugh!

[Sonny exclaims in disgust]

[shudders in disgust]

Oh, God.

Ugh!

No. No, no, no, no.

[Patricia] Ugh!

Okay. Okay. Wait,

I think I got something big.

I think you're gonna have

to help me, though.

It's really heavy.

I can't get it out on my own.

- You're great. You're doing good.

- No, Sonny, get up here.

I need your help. It's really heavy.

- [groans]

- Sonny!

Come on.

All right, all right.

g*dd*mn it. Yes. Fine.

Okay. You got this, okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you want the gloves?

f*ck it. I'll do it barehanded.

You got it. You got it.

- Come on.

- [groans in disgust]

Yeah. Okay. Okay. [Grunts] Oh, f*ck.

- Do you have it?

- I think I got something.

- Yeah. Ready? On three?

- Oh, God. It's big.

Okay. Oh, God!

- One, two, three!

- Two, three!

- [Patricia screams]

- Oh, God!

- [Sonny yells]

- Oh, my God, it's Mrs. Applebaum!

Oh, my God! Mrs. Applebaum! Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Hey. Hey, I didn't puke.

- That's good. Good job.

- That's good.

[Sonny] Phew! Oh, f*ck.

[Patricia moans]

You know, in terms of, like,

all of the germy stuff,

this is literally the worst thing

you could have ever done.

- That's true.

- You nailed it.

- Yeah, I did. I did.

- Good job.

Thanks. Yeah.

Hang on.

Call me crazy,

I think we just found our bait.

But, Sonny. No!

Oh, my God. Leave the poor woman alone.

She's been through enough.

I think that Mrs. Applebaum would be okay

with us using her dead body

to take out the thing

that did this to her.

And Daisy.

We take the rest of the bismuth,

we stick it in this rotten corpse,

seal the deal.

Spraying it might not k*ll that thing.

But if it swallows

one huge, gigantic load,

that'll put a b*mb in its belly.

Yeah, an "apple b*mb."

In terms of Dad puns, that's...

that's bottom of the barrel.

Yeah, total bottom of the tank.

Wow. Wow.

Ugh. You know, we're gonna need

a lot more bismuth

if we're gonna make this work.

Yeah, we got a ton in the truck.

[pipes thumping, creaking]

Enough to k*ll a whole army

of these f*ck.

["Making It Work"

by Doug and the Slugs playing]

Making it work

Making it work

Late night boozing

Oh, I'm out of control

Red lights cruising

I got no sense of soul

I knew you knew

Hey, we both knew the crime

Blacker, bluer

Oh, I'm back in the line

Making it work

Takes a little longer

Making it work

Takes a little time

Making it work

Takes a little longer

Making it work

This controls the ventilation shaft.

I'm gonna close that. [Grunts]

Now on my call, you pull that lever.

That controls the methane.

Once the methane is sealed,

there's no going back.

And when this gauge hits red,

this whole place is gonna blow.

Okay. Why am I the one

that's pulling the lever?

Because I'm gonna super size

our bait combo.

What? No! No, Sonny,

you're gonna get yourself k*lled.

I'm gonna make sure that thing

dies down here once and for all.

Sonny, get back here.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Sonny grunting]

Ready?

Pull the lever now!

sh*t!

[gas hissing]

[banging echoing]

All right.

[creature snarling]

[pipes clanging]

- [gas hissing]

- Oh, f*ck.

[grunts, exhales]

Come on.

[gas continues hissing]

[creature snarling]

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

[screeching]

Come on.

Oh, f*ck!

sh*t, sh*t. Uh...

[screeching]

Yeah!

[Sonny grunts]

Patricia, help!

Hurry up!

No!!

[straining]

[yelling]

[creature chittering]

Get out of my f*cking building!

Die, you f*cking worm!

[screeching]

[Sonny] We got to go.

Go, go, go, go!

[yelling] Go, go, go, go!

[loud expl*si*n]

[Sonny panting, groaning]

- Oh, God.

- [panting]

Holy sh*t.

- I can't believe that actually worked.

- Me neither.

[both panting]

Oh, f*ck, uh, sh*t.

Do you want hand sanitizer or something?

Oh.

Uh...

Yeah.

[upbeat music playing]

No, I think I'm good.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're good.

[exhales sharply]

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.

Why did you take the rake?

Because... just 'cause...

the axe was right there.

And I feel like that's a...

you know, just a...

The rake had, like,

so many more tongs and teeth,

and I feel like it was maximum damage,

you know.

- More damage?

- So much more.

Did you not see?

I like, fully destroyed that thing.

Yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense.

[police radio chatter]

["Sweet City Woman"

by the Stampeders playing]

[sighs heavily]

- Hey.

- Yeah...

It's all right.

Well, I'm on my way

We got a live one here.

To the city lights

Hang on.

Is that Dad?

Shines her light on the city nights

And I gotta catch a noon train

I gotta be there on time

Oh, it feels so good to know

she waits at the end of the line

- Oh, my God!

- Dad!

- Dad! Dad, you're alive!

- Oh, my God. Don!

- Ow.

- Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.

I'm just so happy to see you.

Oh, my God! Oh.

- Sorry.

- Sonny, stop touching him.

[slurred] I'm happy to see you, too.

Oh, man. That was a great

first day for you, huh?

- Try to relax.

- [officer] We got another live one.

[barking]

Oh, my God. It's... It's Daisy.

Dad... Dad, Daisy is alive.

- [Don muttering]

- She's alive.

Oh, Daisy.

Daisy's good. Helped me a lot.

Okay, Dad, just breathe. Just breathe.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Everyone, I sh*t you not.

We got another live one here.

Uh...

Sorry. Never mind. False alarm.

It's, uh...

Get that out of here.

Yeah. f*cking as*h*le.

[Don coughing]

You look terrible.

[coughs] Right.

You said I was the toughest

guy on earth, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

I also said the dumbest.

[coughs] Don't make me laugh.

I'm sorry about your building, Patricia.

Don, it's okay, honestly.

You know, sh*t happens.

[Don chuckles, mutters]

[coughing]

Are you sure you're okay?

How do I look?

- You look pretty good.

- Well, bad.

You're coughing up a lot of blood.

[coughs] When I was wrestling

with that thing in the toilet...

- What?

- When you guys left.

It was...

- [coughs]

- f*ck!

Just stop...

You just need to stop talking.

- I think it's time to rest.

- I think you should stop talking.

Whoa, she's my

Sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet city woman

Sweet, sweet city woman

Oh, my

Sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet city woman

[ominous music playing]

[squelching]

[screeching softly]

[ominous music continues]

[screech]Sweet city woman

Oh, my

Sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet city woman

Everybody

Sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet city woman

Sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet city woman

Sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet city woman

Sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet city woman

Sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet city woman

[instrumental music playing]