01x03 - And Birth

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[ Rumbling ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

Woman: Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Amy Schumer!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you so much, Chicago!

Kane:
How you feeling?

Delicate.

But I can always perform.

Why do you
think that is?

You just have
to do your job.

Yeah.

So, I just got to Chicago
to film my special.

I know it's good.

I did the work. I did it.

So, yeah.

We load into the
theater tomorrow...

[ Sighs ]

...and [clears throat]

and then we sh**t
the next day.

There's something
that happened.

Like, I can suspend
what's going on in my life.

I can compartmentalize
what's going on with me

physically and emotionally.

But I see that as what's
powering you through production

and making production decisions
and having us

do the walkthrough
and load in and do camera

blocking right now.
Look at these characters.

Like, I see that in the reason,
getting through all that.

I like maybe am going
to a crane shot

and then as the curtain
comes up it goes

from being over my head
to the audience.

We just cut to me
at the Fat Black Pussycat

like, yeah,
and this is perfect.

But there's this,
there's something else

when you drop in
to what you're doing on stage.

I would imagine it's a lot
like what having kids is like.

Whatever you're going through,

you got to be strong
for your kids.

Yeah.
Let those emotions
in after but like,

this is their time.
This is the audience's time.

And I'm here and I'm doing it,
I'm doing the best I can.

♪♪

Is Chris coming
to Chicago?
Yeah, but not till tonight.

I don't want Tats, I don't want
Chris, I just want to focus.

I want him to be there
when I get off stage.

But I don't want to see him
before I'm done filming.

I asked him to just give me
the night to just think

because you know,
I dated a guy --

this is when I'm like 21 --
and we were toxic together.

And he would, like, actually
really try and sabotage me.

And then I had a boyfriend,
I asked him for some space

before I performed at the Garden
for the first time.

I was doing Madison Square
Garden and I said,

"I want to see you as soon
as I'm done with the show"

and he couldn't deal

and I got off stage,
I'm like, "Where is he?"

They're like,
"He didn't come to the show."

But you know, like, Chris,
he's like,

"Whatever you need,
whatever you want."

He doesn't make it about him.

But I know that he's loving
and supporting me,

and I can't wait to see him.

I can't wait to get off stage
and see him,

he knows how hard I've worked.

He's seen it more
than anyone, you know?

Can anyone who watches,
like, footage of us,

is going to be like why does Kim
only have one jacket?

I --
It's my favorite jacket.

You got it for me,
I love it.

I know,
I didn't know it was

gonna be
the last thing you ever wore.

Okay, so we just had a fitting
in the hallway of the hotel

we decided on this dress
with these shoes.

[ Knocking on door ]

No, not again.

[ Laughter ]

I love so much, I'm over here,
you're over there.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I laughed out loud.

Chris is not wanting me
to censor anything at all.

Caramele: Great.
Then you know if you knew

how close I just came
to sh1tting myself?

Yeah.
And I was thinking
you could say

this would have turned from
a Special to a Very Special.

[ Laughter ]

Is this supposed
to be burning?
Molly: No.

Okay.

Okay...

Is it really red?
Well.

Did you ever see "The Man
in the Iron Mask"?

What the f*ck?

I'm looking.

Aah!

[ Laughter ]

Guys!

Caramele: You film the special
tomorrow, right?

No, it's tonight.
Oh.

Oh, my God.

I'm all packed,
ready to come to Chicago

and I know I'm not invited,
but I'm coming anyway.

[ Laughs ]

So from here,
we're gonna sit on the couch

and watch Bravo till we die.

One, two.
Thank you so much.

Yeah.
Blah blah blah.

Boo!
What?

Boo, what's wrong
with your face?

I'm not scared of giving birth.
Is that stupid?

No.
I'm really excited
to hold him.

Yeah.

It's almost, yeah,
like you're just

in a different plane.

I'm excited to see Chris's
non-expression.

No, he's gonna be --
He'll break.

Yeah.
He'll break.

He's gonna be
such a good dad.

Yeah.
I also still have some hope

that I'm gonna have
even a month

of feeling a little bit better.
I would take a week.

But I know the last trimester's
a f*cking b*tch, too.

But I know you'll switch
into beast mode.

I don't know.

♪♪

Oh, I miss Tatty and Chris.

♪♪

♪♪

Amy Schumer!

Oh, it looks so good.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Thank you for doing
this with me,

thank you for doing
with for me.

Alright. You guys have all been
essential in my life.

And the development
of this special

that I'm so proud of,
and I think it's so funny,

and it's gonna make people
feel better and laugh.

Hi, Dad.
Hi, Baby.

Hug me and the baby.
I love you.

And I love you guys, you're
my family and I'm so grateful.

And I wouldn't be here
without you.

♪♪

♪♪

Can I help you?!

You have to use
an existing hole, sir.

[ Laughter ]

You're not gonna confuse
my body into making a new hole.

But you really realize
that they don't understand

when they're
behind you, right?

'Cause when you're having sex,
somebody, usually the guy says,

"Hey, how about I don't look
at your face for a while?"

And you give him a little
look back and he goes, "Nope."

Oh, okay.

That's when you know,
because there's

a whole population of men
that'll kneel back there

and just wait.

Just d*ck in the wind.

And you're up here, like...

"Uh, we're rolling."

And you realize
that he is waiting for you.

And you're like,
"Oh, you -- you want me to --

oh, okay, uh, yeah.

I'll just use my head
as like a kick stand.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, no, it makes sense,
I have the better angle here.

[ Laughter ]

You want to back the garage
up to the car?

Nope, it's fine,
you've had a long day

making more money than me,
here I come."

[ Cheers and applause ]

I can't believe
we're having a kid.

No idea what we're gonna do.

So I was single, you know,
most of my life

and felt pretty happy,
I love my family and friends

and I feel really satisfied
with work

and kind of had accepted
that, you know?

And then I just happen
to meet this guy

and once he was diagnosed,
it dawned on me how funny it was

because all of the
characteristics

that make it clear
that he's on the spectrum

are all of the reasons

that I feel madly
in love with him.

That's the truth.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I didn't just want to
get married, you know?

I met the dude that I wanted
to partner up with for life.

But I also cannot f*cking wait
to meet this baby.

And I just want anyone to know,
who's single,

it's not that you haven't
met the right one yet,

it's just that you have to wait
for them to get tired.

[ Laughter ]

Men in their 20s and their 30s
are just running around,

"Aah, aah, aah, uh, uh."

And then their late 30s,
they're like,

"Oh, my God, oh, God."

And that's when you come along
and you go, "Come on."

[ Cheers and applause ]

And they say,
"Where -- Where are we going?"

And you say,

"We're gonna sit on the couch
and watch Bravo till we die."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you so much, Chicago!

I love you. Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

I'm so proud.

I feel like I just won a fight
against myself and my body.

I was here, I was gonna feel
really sick or something,

but I felt really good.

Gordon:
You were wonderful.

I'm so happy you're
making me a grandpa.

I love you so much, baby.

You were great,
I'm so proud of you,

I love you and I'm so proud.

I did my best.
I know I did my best.

And I'm just grateful
for my friends,

essential collaborators who made
the set endlessly better.

And I'm crazy f*cking grateful
that my body hung in there.

Ooh.
Hi, honey. Hi.

Oh, sh*t.

[ Tatiana panting ]

Now we can just like chill
and have a baby.

♪♪

-Merry Christmas, Chris.
-Merry Christmas, me.

-Merry Christmas, Ame.
-Merry Christmas.

We just finished
Christmas morning

and then Kim put on "Nightmare
before Christmas"

and I feel asleep.
And I feel sick.

I can't believe
I pulled off the special.

I have been so sick,
I can't believe I pulled it off.

So, this is just like a bird
in our house,

like, on the counter,
like, that's its face.

It's a guinea hen.
[ Gasps ]

Like, does that have to be
in our home, like, hon?

It's healthy.
Oh, my God.

I just feel so bad today.

I'm in the hospital,
and I'm so lucky

that I can come
and get IV fluids.

Chris, please don't just boil
chicken feet and not tell me.

They have nails.

How the veins looking?

Chris:
Ooh, she's good.

I mean it.
I know that I'm really lucky.

A lot of women can't just go
into a hospital and get an IV.

What is that?
Lamb heart.

Does that seem like
something I can handle?

I didn't know you were
gonna see it.

-He's like kickboxing.
-Kicking your cervix.

-He is stomping on my cervix.
-Mm-hmm.

It looks he's trying
to break out.

It's probably not safe for us
to have sex anymore

at this point
in the pregnancy, right?

Why not?

There is his p*nis.
Where?

Chris: I see it,
you can't miss it.

Oh, my God,
he's hung like a horse.

I'm gonna have to come see
one of your shows.

You don't have to,
it's gonna be on TV.

How did it go in Chicago?
It went great.

Good.
When is it coming out?

It's gonna be out
March 19th.

Oh.
We should just
use this as a promo.

Yeah, totally.
[ Retches ]

I'm sorry,
that was embarrassing.

-Can we get her a towel?
-What is it?

-Yeah, there's mascara.
-Mascara?

-Yeah. Puke...
-Okay.

Puke?
-Yeah.

Where?

Today we're doing
the marketing sh**t

for Amy's Special called
"Amy Schumer, Kim's sister."

No, that's not
what it's called.

That's great.

I really actually
do feel sick.

Kane: I can't imagine if I had
to do this scene,

like, hung over, like,
how horrible that would be

and like to know that she wants
to puke at any minute.

[ Retching ]

Oh, God, I think there might be
a little spill that time, right?

Only a masochistic thing
she would write for herself.

Should we take it
from the top?

-No. We got it.
-We got it?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

She only does it on
Instagram all the time,

I'm just telling you.
Colin's mad that I'm not

punching up my vomiting videos
on Instagram.

Come out and you got a
a bouquet of flowers.

Ugh, ooh. A dove?

[ Laughs ]

Ross: What's it like
walking on stage like that?

Pregnant?
Yeah.

It feels powerful.

Yeah, because
you're half man.
What the f*ck is that?

Whoa!
It's a boy.

It's a boy.

[ Laughter ]

It honestly is fun 'cause as a
chick you're always up there --

well, I'm always up there,
like, oh, it's my belly,

you know,
but I'm always asking, like,

Liz or Val like,
"Is it, do I look okay?

Like, is this --
should I put my jacket on?"

So to be, like, just belly out
is fun on stage, like f*ck you.

Tell me about it.

Amy: We have discussed
that we don't want him

to see what's happening.

Okay. It's not really a time
you're really judging

how somebody's vag*na looks.

Yeah.
I hope mine stands out.

[ Laughs ]

No.

Okay.

Yeah, we do a birth wish list,
we pack your bag,

and I can help you
prepare the nursery things

you'll really
need versus things

that you won't need
for six months.

Right.
I prepare you
for a C-section

if that's something
that has to happen,

like, you're gonna
be ready,

it's not gonna
come out of nowhere,

you're gonna be
fully prepared.

My friends that they know
they're doing that...

Yeah.
...it's just
a longer recovery, right?

It's a long recovery
but if you can have some labor,

it stimulates him,
like any labor at all,

even if it ends in cesarean,
the baby's better off, so.

Yeah, I hope
I don't have a cesarean.

Yeah, I know.
But maybe.

Yeah.
Do you have
questions for me?

Is it good to have sex?
Absolutely.

You have placentas
in your house?

I have people's placentas
in my fridge as we speak.

You should see
what's in our fridge,

there's always some, like,
carcass,

that I'm like,
"What the f*ck is that?"

What inspired you
to become a doula?

I had a really horrible
experience with a doula

at my own birth.
Yeah.

I just wanted to be
the doula I didn't have.

We want to be the parents
we didn't have.

Okay. What do you hope
to teach our son?

Be creative.
Uh-huh.

Which is not gonna be
a challenge in our household.

No.
And I want him
to enjoy the outdoors.

Are you excited to teach him
how to fish?

I think it would be even
more fun

to plant a garden
with him.

Oh, yeah?
Don't you think?

Yeah.
I love you gardening.

Pick little tomatoes.
Mm-hmm.

What do you want
to teach our son

that you feel like
you weren't taught?

I -- Well...[laughs] the ability
to communicate better.

Oh, okay. Alright.
Alright, ask me.

Dad!

Gordon: Here's Fancy Amy.

♪ All of these
are my brushes ♪

♪ I'm brushing
my hair until ♪

Gordon: Amy, happy birthday from
the man who gave you life.

From the man who loved you
before any other man.

And from the one
who will always love you more

than any other man.

Happy birthday, baby.

I love you so.
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Blow. Help her,
help her, help her, help her,

Amy: Yeah, I think now
it's become so clear.

-What has?
-You got to hope that you do

better than your parents.

Bye, Dad.
-Good bye, I love you.

-You'll miss me.
-Of course I will, my darling.

You know, I believe that they do
the best that they can...

I'm leaving!

...but you want your parents
to protect you.

My name is Amy and I'm going
to do a routine about my mommy

because I miss her a lot.

I stood up for my mom,
I was like, "I'm with you,

I got your back."

Amy Schumer, everybody,
Amy Schumer.

[ Cheers and applause ]
My mom is out of her mind,

she's been married four times,
which is a lot.

Initially, I was
all of her material, like,



Not too much anymore.

Amy!
Chris was shook,
he was trying to pull out

but I was kept him in.
-Oh, keep it in.

Chris: Last year your parents
came, what was the significance?

Amy: Thanksgiving.
You almost just spat,
you're like --

Wasn't it like the first
Thanksgiving they'd had

together since...
Three, two, one.

Amy: When I was about nine,
my dad got M.S.

Look at you.

And the business
went completely under.

And then all of a sudden
we were -- we were poor.

Look at that.
A baby bump,
they call it.

That's a baby bump.
He didn't do himself
any favors

by drinking a lot
the whole time.

And he was in a wheelchair
pretty quick.

My baby's having
a baby.
Yeah.

I talk about it
in my act a little bit,

like, we just kept moving
into smaller places

until my sister had the bedroom
and my mom and I shared a bed.

It was okay but different.

Amy, come and take a bath.

My parent's divorced
when I was like 13.

My mom --
My mom left my dad.

Gordon: This is Saturday,
May 14th, 1994.

It's Bat Mitzvah time.

Amy: I think so much of us
is just trying not to become...

Gordon: Let's see your
Bat Mitzvah smile, Amy.

Amy: ...our parents.
In just in ways of keeping

really honest and honest
about ourselves.

Oh, really?
You're gonna be a grandpa.

That'll be nice.
I know.

And then God
help everybody.

Chris:
She makes fun of the people

she loves the most in her life.

Seeing her interact
with her dad now,

like, they're such
a beautiful hum--

I mean, just,
it's f*cking so funny.

I know Mom said
you neglected us equally.
Equally.

You can definitely see
where Amy gets her love.

You were a really good dad,
you made me feel so loved.

Always.
Well, you were.

Yeah. What about now?
You're still loved.

[ Laughs ]
You're still loved
more than anything.

Gordon: I adore you, baby.

I don't know if you got
this far on this tape,

my Popsicle toes,
my lovie.

But there's one last song
on the other side.

Give a listen.

♪ And when God gave
out rhythm ♪

♪ He sure was good to you ♪

♪ You could add, subtract,
multiple, and divide ♪

We made it.
We're in New Orleans.

Chris: What were you saying
about earning this vacation?

Like, I don't feel bad
about relaxing now.

But I also wanted
to make it clear

that I didn't know I was
going to working that hard,

and I thought I was
gonna feel better.

You never know when
a craving's gonna come on,

and there's no better city
than New Orleans.

♪ Popsicle toes ♪

Aren't I a weightless
little pigeon?
Yes.

Can you see
my belly pretty good?

If you go up
one step more.

But then my vag*na's out.
So just half way.

So I'll just squat here
pregnant...

[ Laughs ]
That's what,
seven and a half months?

Oh, my God, I have stopped
thinking about

how long it's been
and all I'm thinking of,

I don't even know how --
I don't know how pregnant I am.

I just am thinking about
how much I have left.

Woman: Big changes are underway
in your baby's

watery world this week.
She'll be piling on weight

at the rate of about
a half pound a week

from here on out as your baby
goes from helpless newborn

to responsive infant,
to verbal toddler to...

To verbally
a*usive teen.

I'm gonna miss this so much.

I'm sad today
and I'm having a hard time.

Okay, I'm having a nice moment.

I'm laying here, belly out
and all of a sudden,

what I think was a head kind of
pushed out and stayed there.

You know, usually it's like
a quick motion or something and,

or a kick or whatever.
But it just stayed there,

so I could touch
what I think was his head.

No, so I gently -- It's back.

You know, it really --
I'm feeling it right now,

it really feels like making
contact with my baby, you know?

I'm feeling it right now.

I've been so sick
and feeling so bad

that it's just been about
survival, you know,

and so we'll talk about
every day like little things of,

that we're excited for,
but this is a really cool.

This really makes me like,

oh, my God,
my baby's right there.

'Cause even though he's in me,

it still feels like he's so far
away for some reason.

[ Sighs ]

I don't know,
it's a weird thing.

I wonder if that makes sense
to any pregnant women.

Here, I'll trade you.
Ugh.

Okay, I'm like really scared
that there's like a ghost here.

Chris: No.
Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Okay, well, yeah,
like, something must be up,

'cause I'm like f*cking
really scared now.

Look at that.
There must be a ghost

because they left the toilet
seat up and, like,

I know you wouldn't do that

'cause I'll fall right in there
with my pregnant a*s.

[ Jazz music plays ]

How do I look?

Sexy.
Oh.

I'm already pregnant.

At this point in pregnancy, you
go from, like, not having to pee

to like you're gonna die
if you don't pee right away.

I've been walking,
and it's getting harder

because the baby is measuring
two weeks ahead.

So, like, I'm supposedly


but for like, a month,
I've been measuring

as if I'm 33 weeks pregnant.

Hey.
Good, how are you?

I, from the second I knew
I was pregnant,

know I'm gonna have
a giant baby.

Chris: She's been sick the whole
time that we've been here

and she's been
exercising every day.

Do you remember what you said
and I said that I feel like

I'm getting ready
for a fight?

Part of your life.
[ Laughs ]

I'm so impressed.

Just like today, she pukes in
the middle of her Pilates class.

It's right here for you.

And then continues the class
and finishes it.

Amy: I feel like now
when I have sex with Chris,

it's like totally with
the thought of like,

this will help for birth.

I am having some
contractions.

Chris: What's a contraction
feel like?

Um...

Like really bad period cramps.
You know.

I think I have what's called
Braxton Hicks.

You just read about it.

Well, some people
call it false labor.

But that's a bad thing,
that's not right.

And also, it's like calling it
morning sickness,

like, it's not true.

Yeah, it's your body
getting ready

for contractions,
basically.
Yeah.

You start to have contractions,
and it feels like --

Your cervix doesn't
dilate but it just --
Yeah.

The doctor put a couple
of fingers in me

and said my cervix was fine.
And I was like,

"That hurt a lot,"
and she went, "It's very tight."

I definitely don't want to
discourage people

from having babies
by showing them this but,

but you show know
the possibility

that you're gonna
be really sick.

Are you wearing
underwear?
No.

Feeling physically very weak
and in a lot of pain

but, kind of psyched.

Grateful we can come
to the hospital.

What do you think?

[ Clears throat ]

Amy:
How are you feeling?

I want you to feel better.
No, how do you feel?

I'm getting excited that we're
gonna have a son soon.

Yeah?
Yeah.

When you were talking about
his head pushing out.

Which turned out
it was his a*s

Yeah, he's an abstract idea
for so long,

even when we see the sonograms,
it doesn't seem real.

So, pretty soon we're
gonna be able to hold him

and smell him
and clean his poop.

Oh.
I'm really excited.

My goal was to never ever
complain about being a parent.

That's insane.

[ Siren wailing ]

Okay, ready?

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Aah!
[ Laughs ]

It's milking!

[ Laughter ]

These are great.
Chris: Good thing security
just drove by.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
these are really funny.

It's amazing
the ducks cooperated.

Look at these.
That's a great one.

This is insane.

They're so good.

Amy: The Special
comes out tomorrow.

Hi.
You're barely showing.

Will you promise?
I promise.

Okay.
I just want to thank

your wardrobe department
and everything.

[ Laughter ]

We'll be right back
with more with Amy Schumer.

-Hi, come on in.
-Hey, how's it going?

-Hi, Mama.
-I didn't warn you?

Chris: You didn't tell me
it was twins, Amy.

I asked them to make this.
Triplets? Triplets?

-Isn't this great?
-Oh, triplets.

Thank you.

Who's my mom with?

Chris: Alex.
Of course, she's shows up
with like a dude.

Man: Well, we'll start with
the clip back from the special

and then we'll talk
about the special.

Yeah.
The clip I think is about me

not wanting to have sex
with my husband.

Yes.
Or yeah, not when you're pre--

Yeah. Yeah,
just when I'm pregnant.
Exactly, yeah.

I'm at the gynecologist
a couple of months ago

and she was like,
"Yes, it is safe to have sex

through the whole pregnancy."

And I was like, "We'll be
seeking a second opinion."

Meyers: I'm lucky enough
to know your husband,

your husband was the chef
at my wedding.

My wife's known him
even longer.
Yeah, so long.

They, like, grew up together.
Did they hook up?

I don't...

He is very handsome
and a lovely person.
He is handsome.

He got tested and he's on
the autism spectrum.
Yeah.

But that has been positive
for your marriage.

Yeah, totally. I think there are
a lot of people with autism

who go undiagnosed when I think
their life could be better

if they got those tools.
It's wonderful.

Praw: It's really doing well,
like, we're so stoked.

Yay.
Like, literally, like,
so we did,

you know, day one
is usually like a hot day.

Your special did better day two
than the first day.

That means people
are hearing about it.

Yeah. Like, I've been reading
your Twitter and by the way --

Oh God, I haven't.
What a nightmare to be you,

tweets are like being critical
I mean, like, you're so funny.

Oh, that's nice.
And people are loving it.

I never just get reviewed
on my work.

It's like, they review
my whole career.

Just any woman that talks
too long, people get upset.

I mean, if you look
at the themes of your special,

it's touching on so much.
A lot.

And I think that
what we're really promoting

is for people to like,
think for themselves.

There was some quote in this
Arabic bride's book about like,

each generation's defined
like its ability

to evolve and change.

I'm really proud
of this whole generation.

So if we can at all be a part
of that positive evolution

then it's really cool.

Amy: Oh, my God.

I want to see his little face.

-Oh, my God, get out of here.
-Oh, my God.

-Holy sh*t.
-Oh, my god, he's huge.

Get out here and be cute.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

So are you still working?
No. No, I'm only dying.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, yeah, how are his kidneys,
is like his...

Alright, let's see.
This is the abdomen.

Are you filming this?
-Mm-hmm.

The doctor asked us
to turn the camera off

and then he told us
that one of the baby's kidneys

is lower down,

not significantly, like a tiny
bit than the other kidney.

What do you think?

That they're being
extremely meticulous

and right now the kidneys
are developing

at different heights and...
-It's a little scary.

Best case scenario
it just kind of goes back

and they wind up in line,

and the worst case scenario
kind of is like...that

it winds up traveling down
to the pelvis

and, um...

and they have to remove it.

I'm a little worried
and Chris is not.

Unless you're pretending.

I'm not worried,
because I don't think --

I-I'm trusting what the doctor
said, exactly what he said.

And the,
worst case, best case.

♪♪

Amy:
I just cried my eyes out.

We're recording
our podcast today.

But I got an e-mail
from my friend Mandy.

I got an e-mail
from my friend Mandy,

and she was like,

she just had a baby
and she's like,

"I can't tell you the...

the immense relief
that you're going to feel

to go from feeling so sick
to feeling well."

And she said she walked
into a Duane Reade

to buy pants and she felt like
she's walking into her prom.

I just have like,
all these resources that like,

make me able to function

and take care of myself
and mostly no one has that.

And it really makes me,
think about...

think about that too.

Like, if I'm struggling
so hard,

what at these
other b*tches doing?

-Oh, she's good.
-Don't get too excited.

I love you.
So, can I have that bucket,

'cause I do think
I'm going to throw up right now.

[ Chairs scraping ]

I'll walk around the corner,
I'll be back.

I know how to clear a room.

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
for the longest time ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh for the longest ♪

Yeah, after a Special or a movie
or anything comes out,

I kind of want to hide.

Being in New York
is overwhelming,

we're going to go live upstate
for a few weeks to give birth.

Chris: We rented a house
in Rhinebeck.

I think the choice to move
up here in the woods is like,

the greatest thing
that we could have done.

Amy: Chris!

♪ That hasn't happened
for the longest time ♪

Come on!
♪ Once I thought ♪

Um...
♪ My innocence was gone ♪

Yeah, I'm just feeling excited
and hopeful

and I could go at any moment.

I could have this baby
at any moment.

But I'm trying to like,
actually appreciate

these last couple weeks
being pregnant.

I can't believe
I'm saying that, but.

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
for the longest time ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh for the longest ♪

Are we going to reference the...

Look at that.
It's not a puzzle.

You can see the things
are coming together.

Oh.
Is that a puzzle joke?

Mm-hmm.
Is my mom upstairs?

-What's wrong?
-My childhood.

No. No.

Man.
I came home
from the hospital in this?

Yes, you did.

Chris:
Before Amy wakes up.

I'm going to throw this crab
trap over the waterfall

so it distresses this jacket
that my friend made me

that's a little too stiff.

What is wrong with you?

♪ I forgot
how nice romance is ♪

♪ Oh, I've been pregnant
for the longest time ♪

Amy: Okay. [ Laughs ]
Chris: Wait, it's not...

Try it again.

I'm glad we do this.
[ Laughs ]

Ready?
Yes.

[ Laughs ]

You did it.
So dumb.

[ Crying ]

Chris: Tats is
really concerned about you.

Do you feel like
talking to Nancy?

Rosensweig:
Braxton Hicks contractions.

You're at way more risk for them

because
if you're vomiting a lot,

you get dehydrated,
dehydration causes contractions.

Labor is diagnosed
retrospectively.

Once you've had your baby,
you look backwards and you say,

"Oh, that's when
it really started."

Until you get to this,
and this is called crowning.
Mm.

You've heard of that?
Yes.

So do this.

The baby's head
stretches your vag*na

and we kind of let you just deal
with it for a little bit.

Because what I don't want
is for you to tear a lot.

Thank you.
So, my goal is
to let his head sit here.

I usually put some hot
compresses,

maybe some oil on
and then try and protect

that as the baby slowly
comes out of your vag*na.

What did you just do?

I just, um, did the first round
of perineal massage.

And how would you describe
what that is?

Basically put light -- much less
pressure than I thought

on the bottom of your vag*na
to loosen the vaginal muscles

so they're stretched out
when our baby boy goes through.

[ Chuckles ]

Chris:
Where are we?

We're at a trail
called Poets Walk.

In Rhinebeck, New York?
-Mm-hmm.

Hear the Hudson?



She goes, "You need to know, you
may be pregnant another month."

And like, I,
I honestly dissociated.

I just realized today
that this is the like,

summation of all advice

that women give you like,
everyone tells you this.

Everyone, this is,
this is the general consensus.

They go,

"Don't let anyone pressure
you into breast feeding.

It's your choice.
But you need to breast feed

and you do make sure you only
for the first two months,

two years, of your kid's
life breast feed them.

But whatever you chose is fine,
formula is great.

Formula has worked
for a long time.

But only breast feed."

What advice have you gotten,
an expectant father?

That it's going
to come naturally.

You can read everything you want

but you're just going
to figure it out.

Amy: Oh.

Take really good care
of your wife.
Yeah.

Make sure that she's well
taken care of.

And...
And make sure your wife
f*cking breast feeds.

[ Laughs ]

[ Water rushing ]

Chris: So?

I just vomited
the most I've ever vomited

In your whole life?

I don't know about
my whole life

but definitely
this whole pregnancy.

-Wow.
-Like, filled the toilet.

-Oh, my God.
-Several times.

I haven't eaten yet today,
since from last night.

And if you want to know
how much diarrhea?

No, not really.

If you want to know
how much diarrhea.

Actually, nobody wants
to know that.

It was a lot.

Woman: Amy's totally
the expert on IVs right now.

I, I calculated -- I calculated
how many IVs I've had.

-Oh, really?
-You did?

Yeah.
What's your guess?

Nurse: Do they usually do
a liter in an hour?
Chris: Um...

They do two liters,
but you know.

What?
-50?

Woman: [ Gasps ] Are you
serious? 50 bags of fluid?

How many?
It's, it's closer to a hundred.

IVs?
Mm-hmm.

And this has been going on
since the beginning?

Yeah.

♪♪

[ Clears throat ]

♪♪

I'm sorry
I can't do this anymore.

I'm dying babe, I can't,
I can't do this...

...anymore.
I'm losing my mind.

And I feel really homesick,
for Manhattan.

I want to give birth
at home in New York.

Okay.

♪♪

We have decided to go home.
[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God.

This is Chris' crazy a*s,

getting his crab pot
out of the water.

Wild maniac.

We've decided
to leave Rhinebeck.

I'd like to know when you're
in labor just, when you're like,

Okay, this is it.
Amy: I'll call you.
I'll tell you.

Yeah, no matter
what time it is,

you know my phone's
on 24/7 yeah.
Okay, mm-hmm.

I love you.
Thanks for coming.

Yeah, I bet.
I love you mom.

The next time I see you, Amy,
you'll be empty.

Oh, God.
Are you, I don't--?

I think you put the baby
in after it's,

like,
when it's snapped.

[ Laughs ]

Let's go home.

♪♪

There's so many things
that you pray go right,

but so many things
that can go wrong

and you don't talk about them,

but when you're the mother
of the mommy-to-be, you know.

♪♪

I'm done. I can't do it anymore.
I'm in a lot of pain.

We're going to [Clears throat]
uh, have a C-section tonight.

That's the choice.
It's the right choice.

Look how much the dogs are like,
know that they need to be

around me right now,
and like, protecting.

They can feel
something's going on.

It feels like this is sort of
a rebellious choice, you know,

because just everybody has been
just drilling in our heads,

like...
Natural birth.

Yeah, like,
as natural as possible.

I'm a C-section baby,
I'm pretty good.

You're cool.
Yeah, this feels like a,

a big decision to make
and a good one

and I'm proud of making
my own decision.

It's been a long f*cking road
to get here, huh?

Mm-hmm. It's all...

It's all happening
tonight.

Tamblyn:
Opening of the body part, like,
the surgical part

lasts about four minutes,
it is so f*cking quick.

Wow, okay.
So bring Chris in,
he'll be right there with you.

Wow.

Okay.

Lenox Hill.

Kirke:
When they give you the epidural
you're going to feel so numb

but you will feel
an immense amount of pressure

as he's being pulled out.

Okay.
The recovery is intense.

It's different
than a vaginal birth

because it's major surgery.
They're going to shave you.

My whole vag*na?
Just the are-- upper.

Well, can they just do
the whole thing?

-You look ready.
-Preggos.

Everybody say goodbye
to this belly.

-Are you ready?
-How are you?

-I'm good.
-Hello, brother.

Chris: Good.
Thank you so much
for having me.

I--

I'm not allowed to eat or drink,
you dumb b*tch.

I'm going to pee
and then are we like, going?

Yeah.

Um, we're
swinging by Dad's.

Good.
I want to see Dad.

Can you believe that tomorrow
he'll have teeth?

Is that true?
Mm-hmm.

-We'll be back.
-Alright, we'll see you.

-Right here.
-Whoo-ooo.

-How are you, my dear?
-It's time.

I'm so glad that we're doing
this together, Samuel.

I'm telling you --
[ Laughs ]

I've been waiting for this thing
for a long time.

I wanted to give birth
in your car.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.

Tomorrow.
Samuel, let's do it.

-Ohh.
-Alright, we got to go quick.

I know,
I can't make it tomorrow,

I have to have a baby.

Whoo-hoo!
[ Whistle ]

Wait, wait for Chris.
He's the father.

Okay.

Okay.

♪♪

Thank you, Samuel.
Alright, dear.
I'll see you.

♪♪

-You doing okay?
-Yeah, I'm just so ready.

I love it!
[ Laughter ]

I'm Tanisha,
I'll be helping with the baby.

Thank you, I'm going be
the one having the baby.

-And I'm Tricia.
-Hi.

Can you film these clowns?

Woman: So afterwards you really
should not be nauseous anymore,

'cause you'll be buzzing.

And we have like a million
medications if you need it.

You're doing great.

Could you let Tricia know?
Thank you.

Man: Ready?

-Okay, you ready?
-Yes.

[ Laughter ]

Alright,
give everybody a hug.

We'll see everybody
in a couple minutes.

-Okay, should I--?
-You guys can get dressed.

-Very short --
-Very short parade.

Okay, okay.

♪♪

Chris:
I'll be right behind you.

♪♪

I think she's so ready
to have relief.

Woman: Absolutely.
[ Chuckles ]

Yeah.

I, I don't--

I don't think I have
the words to describe it.

[ Monitor beeping ]

I was just
out-of-my-mind scared.

I didn't know
what I was going to do.

I just stared
right into Chris' eyes.

We just locked eyes and he just
held me there with his eyes.

He did such a good job with me.

You know, they say people
with Asperger's or autism

have trouble with eye contact

but he held my eye contact
the whole time.

And then sometimes
I would look at Domino

and she was really supportive

and she was wiping
my sweat away.

And I was so scared.

Chris and I just stared
in each others eyes.

It was really,
really deep, you know?

♪♪

Nurse: Can you lower
the drape and come over?

Can you lower the drape?
Lower the drape.

Got it.

Oh, my God!

Hi!

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Chatter ]

-30 seconds.
-Oh.

[ Cries ]
Yeah.

That's your boy.
That's your baby.

[ Cries ]
Oh!

My beautiful boy.

That was the greatest
moment of my life.

♪♪

Chris:
And now we have Gene.

It's like a rush
of every emotion

you've felt
throughout your whole life.

It felt like we were
the only people in the world.

Amy was really vulnerable.

She was vulnerable in way
that I had never seen her

going through different stages
of trauma and shock.

The doctors had
a very challenging time

putting Amy back together
for a few reasons.

[ Camera falls ]

Amy: I'm ready
for this part to be over.

Chris: I love you.

♪♪

Oh.

♪♪

I know.
Who wants to hold him?

I do.

[ Gene gurgling ]

There was an ultra sound that
I was told about of the kidney.

So we were told
that there was a need

for a post natal
ultra sound again.

-Yes.
-Okay.

She's going
to be heavily sedated.

Eight pounds, eight pounds
two point three ounces.

Woman: Catwalk,
it's like a full 360.

-What? You want that on video?
-I want that live broadcasting.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.
[ Gene crying ]

Thank you.

Hi, Gene.
[ Crying ]

Hi, honey.
Good boy, Gene.

Daddy's mom's name is Gene.
Oh, so happy.

[ Sighs ]

[ Dog barking in distance ]

[ Bird chirping ]

[ Gene cooing ]

So what I suspected
is that you have endometriosis

of the uterus
which is called adenomyosis.

So that makes your uterus
really big and globular

and changes the shape.

But given the size of the baby
and the size of the uterus,

you would have needed
the C-section anyway.

Alright. Scan to scan action.
Here.

Hi. Aw, hi.

-Okay buddy. It's okay, Genie.
-It's okay.

Amy: We tried, like six times
and he would like,

latch for a second
but it wasn't happening.

Yeah. If the scenario was that
you were exclusively pumping,

you'd be okay with that.
Mm-hmm.

Okay. I'm going to set you up
with a pump

which is a very sort unpleasant
but you know, it does the job.

I'm down for whatever.

-Yeah, okay.
-Yeah, maybe a little too much.

[ Laughter ]

You look great.
Really?

The way you're moving.

What do you mean?
No nausea?

No, I have not been nauseous.

The second the baby's out,
the hyperemesis is gone.

-Yeah.
-I had a complicated C-section.

Should have taken an hour
and it took three hours.

It was scary.
OK.

And lift the top of it up.

And where it needs to go?

-Aw! Gene!
-Oh, great.

[ Laughter ]

That's a first.
-You're just like your father.

[ Cries ]

♪♪

How do you feel?

[ Exhales slowly ]
There we go.

-Is Gene in here?
-Hi.

♪♪

Hi, Amy.
This is little Gene.

f*ck you.

It's going right into
the New York City water system.

It's alright, I just wanted
to see how you were feeling,

but I don't want to interrupt.

Yeah, I guess maybe a little
privacy, that would be cool.

Man: Of course, yeah.

[ Laughs ]
What is your f*cking deal?

What? I'm writing another book.
You are?

It's called "I'm going to stop
procrastinating,

starting tomorrow."

Oh, God. Chris?
-Yeah?

Please don't leave me alone
with Colin.

♪♪

Oh, oh. Oh, my God.

The whole time Domino's going,
"He's coming, he's coming soon."

You just kept it real with me.

Except I was doing it,
just keep going.

When it took forever.

You're a grandma.

I'm a grandma.
I'm going to cry again.

-It's okay, we cried a lot.
-Grandma's a special thing.

That was the most
magical night of my life.

You too, right?
Oh, yeah.

But it's really gotten
better too.

♪♪

I haven't looked at it yet.

Oh.

Um, it hurts.

The incision hurts.
Thank you.

♪♪

Oh, my gosh, his little hair.
I feel like it's growing.

Woman: You're free.

-I thank you.
-Are you doing okay?

Me? Yeah.
Yeah.

Thank you.

Amy: Oh, my God,
we're bringing home our baby.

To our little Tatiana.

Put the baby in the car seat
or something on the floor,

let the dog just smell.

He'll learn he's harmless
if he knows a familiar smell.

Tatty, this is Gene's.
This is your little brother's.

What do you think?

♪♪

♪♪

[ Indistinct speech ]

♪♪

[ Sneezes ]

Chris: Bless you.

Oh, my whole, my whole life
is in this cabinet.

Family pictures, school,
the albums my mom

makes me albums,
scrapbooks of my life.

Wait, I wan to see
'cause this is,

these are jokes and set lists
from over the years.

For the most part, you're never
going to say these jokes again,

but this is like probably my,
one of my first ever sets.

"Lately I've been thinking
my boyfriend is g*y,

just little things like,
too much fantasy football,

and he blows guys."
[ Laughs ]

I should write down my set list,
but I seriously

don't even
have any jokes to say.

I just want my body
to go through the experience

of going on stage,
getting the microphone.

Am I going back on stage
too quick?

Less than two weeks.
-13 days.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Chatter ]

♪♪

♪♪

Yo, I'm about to bring this next
comedian to the stage, man.

This next comedian, man,

recognize her from
Netflix special "Growing,"

You guys ready for this next
comedian? Say, "Hell yeah."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Say, "Hell yeah."

Everybody give
it up for Amy Schumer.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

-He's smiling.
-He is?

I just keep thinking about
how this, you know,

we filmed all this stuff
and it's like,

everyone was saying,
"It'll be worth it and..."

But it's like, I would have done
so much more to meet him.

Chris: This is just
the beginning.

♪ Home,
is where I want to be ♪

♪ But I guess
I'm already there ♪

♪ I come home,
she lifted up her wings ♪

♪ I guess that this must be
the place ♪

♪ I can't tell
one from the other ♪

Amy: Do you know
how good you guys look?

♪ There was a time
before we were born ♪

♪ If someone asks,
this is where I'll be ♪

♪ Where I'll be ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ We drift in and out ♪
Baby's got the camera.

Oh, he's filming.

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Sing into my mouth ♪

♪ And I go,
ooh! ♪

♪♪

Chris!

Amy and Chris:
♪ Birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday,
dear Genie

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[ Toilet flushes ]

Amy: So easy!