03x03 - Basket Baby

[bunniefuu]

[River patrolman #1 gasps]

Oh, hell no.

Basket baby!

[Blows horn]

Citizens: Basket baby!

[Indistinct shouting]

River patrolman #1:
Don't touch that thing!

Babies found in baskets

destroy cities.

River patrolman #2: Holy cow!

It looks just like
a normal baby!

River patrolman #1:
Sure, if a normal baby

could survive floating in
a basket down a river!

A basket with a baby in it?

That's a heavy basket.

That basket should sink!

River patrolman #2:
Yeah. This is scary.

River patrolman #1:
And you'd think it'd be

good enough to eat, right?

What with all the vicious
animals around,

not to mention
the actual monsters.

And yet,
not a scratch on it.

All clear!

[Citizens sigh in relief]
Man: It's gone.

River patrolman #1:
It's some other

idiot kingdom's problem now.

River patrolman #2: Do you
think the king will give us

little kisses?
You know,

for saving his kingdom?

River patrolman #1: I think
he'll give us big kisses.

Better wash your neck.

♪

Men: ♪ Uh! ♪

♪

♪ Uh! Uh! ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, whoo! ♪

Shlub: Another
spectacular rager!

Doozie: I woke up
to tell you something

but I don't remember what it is.
[Gulp]

Hippocampus: Do you think
it's a good idea to employ

an old drunk
as your social secretary?

Her brain is fermented.

Shlub: Brains are
made of yogurt.

They should be fermented.

Hippocampus: Why
do you cling to this idea?

I've shown you
multiple brains.

If anything, they're
made of meat jelly.

Doozie: He's right.
Hey, King Shlub.

I got you a gift.
It's meat jelly.

[Doozie and Shlub laugh]
[Doozie coughs]

Shlub: I love being king.

It's all parties
and presents.

Look at that haul!

Hippocampus: I invented
a perfectly good

curse detector for those jewels.
Have you even used it?

Shlub: Exercise
caution and suspicion?

Nah, that's more Ty's thing.

I'll just go on Shlubbing it.

It's worked so far!

Doozie: Ah! The thing
I was thinking of

came back into my brain:

the opening of Apollo's temple.

Deliria: I'm sorry, Apollo
wants to open a temple here?

This is where the whole
"goddess queen" business

really pays off.

Shlub, destroy the temple
and ban

all Apollo worship
in Krapopolis.

Shlub: Very well.
Apollo is banned!

Deliria: Triumphant
animal exit!

[Whinnies]

Shlub: Hold on!
Don't show me that

perfect a*s
and then take it away!

Doozie: Huh.
There's one more thing.

This was left for you.
[Baby coos]

Hippocampus: Did that
come from the river?

Doozie: Uh, yeah.

I thought he was
the smart one.

[Doozie and Shlub laugh]

Hippocampus: It's
a frickin' basket baby!

And you took it in!
I'll get my catapult.

Shlub: Oh, my Hippo, always
looking for an opportunity

to catapult a baby.

Hippocampus: It's not
a baby, it's a basket baby!

You haven't touched it,
have you?!

Shlub: We did a little
skin-to-skin, yes.

Hippocampus: Aah!
This is a catastrophe!

Shlub: The cutest little
catastrophe I've ever seen!

Hippocampus: This is
a big deal, Dad!

Stop Shlubbing
and take it seriously!

Shlub: Counterpoint:
it's mine, and I like it.

Doozie, throw my
new baby on the gift pile!

[Baby coos]
[Thud]

Hippocampus: Ty,
you won't believe what--
Where'd you get that toga?

Tyrannis: Chira's Tent of
Secondhand Dead Husband Stuff!

She has a "chill guy"
section now

and said I qualify.
You want a wiener?

That's what we call
sausages around here.

Hippocampus:
Very weird. But sure.

Ty, we have a real--

Mmm. This is so good.
Tyrannis: I know, right?

Hippocampus: So we have a real
situation down at the palace.

Um...
[Band playing traditional music]

Tyrannis: Great playing, guys!

Band members: Thanks!

Tyrannis: I'm crushing it here!

I've got musician friends...

May be close to getting
a nickname!

You know what? Chira!

Chira's my neighbor!
It's--it's like

a whole little
houseboat village.

Hippocampus: Ty, Dad
took in a basket baby--

Chira: Hey,
it smells great in here!

My dead husband
never used to grill.

Well, unless you count
when those enemy combatants

lit his body on fire after

sh**ting an arrow
through his head,

which I don't.

[Chira and Tyrannis laugh]
Hippocampus: Ty--

Tyrannis: Chira, I've just
decided to throw

a last-minute
housewarming party!

Chira: Really? That's great.

Everyone's gonna be so excited.

I'm gonna bring pita--wait, no,

I'll bring little, tiny fish.
No, you know what?

I'll make it
a game-time decision. Ooh!

Hippocampus:
Did you not hear me?

A basket baby.

A once in
a thousand years threat.

Basket baby detected!
Tyrannis: Hippo, relax.

You don't even know if
this is a real basket baby.

It could be a gag gift,
like a cursed amulet

or a drinking straw
that looks like a p*nis.

O-or say it's the real deal:

when does it become
an actual threat?

At least, what, 10 years?

Hippocampus:
You can't be serious.

They're kingdom K*llers
and palace stormers.

This is an immediate threat.

Tyrannis: I hear what
you're saying,

but worrying about
the city and the future

isn't really my thing anymore.

This is really a Dad problem.

I've got a whole
new social life

in the here and now.

I'm Ty Ty the Party Guy!

Hippocampus: You know
what I hate, bro?

You're forcing me to act

like how you used to be.

And everyone hated that guy.

Apollo: Um, what's this
I hear about

you having your husband
ban Apollo worship?

Deliria: Well, that's
more or less it, really.

That and I'm
a goddess queen now,

which comes with certain perks
you're beginning

to experience
the other side of.

Oh, you seem upset.

You're not going to
fly into a rage

and turn me into
a constellation

or something like that,
are you?

Apollo: Turn you into--What?

Deliria: No, I just know
sometimes the gods

have turned other gods
into constellations

as punishment when they get
butt-hurt enough...

Apollo: I'm not "butt-hurt."

I don't even know
what that means.

I don't even care!

Deliria: Oh, I see--
you came all the way

over here to tell me
you don't care

that I had you banned.

Apollo: Um, yes, because
you needed to hear it.

I don't care because I have
plenty of followers

as the god of archery, dance,
the friggin' sun,

poetry, music, healing--
that's a big one,

maybe you've heard of it--

Deliria: Oh, Scott!

Could you hurt yourself

for me very quickly?

Scott: You mean like this?
Aah!

Deliria: Excellent.

Scott: Aah! Aah!

Wow! I feel like I've been
recently dead, in a good way!

Apollo: Whoa, OK.
I'm sorry.

Did you just heal him?

Deliria: I'm
encroaching on your turf.

Does that bother you?

Apollo: Is this because I
said that

healing was a big one?

Deliria: Yes, and because
I don't think

you've ever actually

healed anyone ever.

Apollo: Me?! What?!
Of course I have!

It's just been a while,
and I don't

have to to keep the title.

You know that. Besides,

that was just
a small boo-boo.

You'd have to get
a lot of followers

with a lot of small boo-boos

to make a dent in my territory.

Maybe I shouldn't have
given you that idea.

Whatever. It's fine.
I'm gonna go ride

my chariot across the sun.

Deliria: We both know
that's not true.

Apollo: Across it!
In front of it!

You know what I--Shut up!

Deliria: Oh, I like this!

Scott, tell everyone that
I am now Deliria,

Queen of Krapopolis,
and Goddess of Small Boo-Boos!

Scott: Aah!

[Baby crying]

Stupendous: Ooh, what's this?
Dad get another cursed amulet?

Sometimes I throw 'em
at Scott's feet

and he jumps around all funny
like, "Oh, no, now I'm cursed."

Especially when they explode.
[Laughs]

Hippocampus: No.
Dad took in a basket baby.

[Baby coos]
Stupendous:
I'll get the catapult.

Stupendous: Dad, what'd you
do with our catapults?

Shlub: Turned them
all into toga g*ns. Why?

Hippocampus: Because
Stupe agrees with me

that we need to do something
about the basket baby--Oh.

It was just here--Gah!

Shlub: How'd that get up there?

Huh! That little guy
really is something.

Hippocampus: That
"little guy" is a guaranteed

catastrophe and we need
to get rid of it.

Stupendous: Now, when you say
"get rid,"

my mind goes to "k*ll," but
I'm in the k*lling business.

That's not what
you mean...right?

Hippocampus: Is there
a reason it needs not to be?

Shlub: It's so cute!

Hippocampus:
Of course it's cute.

That's a tool it uses to

trick you into not k*lling it!

Stupendous: Well,
all babies do that.

Hippocampus: You immediately
said let's get the catapult!

What did you think we were
going to do with it--

use it as a swing set?!

Stupendous: I dunno,
fling it out of town?

I didn't think
too far past that.

But anything more extreme

than that, I dunno,
I kinda get the icks.

Hippocampus: What if we just
put it back in the river?

Stupendous: To drown it?

Hippocampus: Not necessarily!

No, not to drown it,
just let it drift

to some other city
and destroy that one.

Stupendous: That's good. Dad?

Shlub: What I heard was
we're going skinny dipping!

[Partiers and Doozie cheer]

Hippocampus: He was not
wearing that a second ago.

Stupendous: Nope.

[Tyrannis humming to himself]

Potluckus: Hey, Ty Ty,
I hear you're

having a party, guy.

Haven't introduced myself yet.
I'm Potluckus.

Kinda the social director
around here.

Tyrannis: Hey, my man!
Nice to meet you!

Potluckus: I didn't want
to ruin the surprise, but

we've actually already got

a "Welcome Ty" party
planned for tonight.

Tyrannis: Oh, wow,
that's so nice!

I had no idea.
Thank you so much!

Potluckus: You got it.
See you tonight!

Tyrannis: How about that!
[Humming to himself]

Chira: Ty, we need to talk.
Tyrannis: Kolax!

I didn't know you lived here!

Kolax: Yeah, I assumed you
did know,

so I was waiting for you
to say hi,

but then I was the one
not saying hi to you, and...

Tyrannis: I'm...not sure
what reaction

I'm supposed to have
to this story.

Chira: Kolax, find your chill.

Tyrannis: Oh,
Potluckus was just here,

and he said that--
Chira: Yeah,

that's why we're here.

That man is a tyrant.

He throws all the parties

and no one else is allowed to.

And he always insists on
doing the entree,

but he puts out a sack of meat

you know he got at a bargain.

Kolax: Worse than that, he
doesn't let anyone

bring cheese on his boat.

And it's not because
he doesn't like cheese.

Oh, he likes cheese!
He thinks he knows

more about cheese
than everyone else

so he's always the cheese guy.

I happen to think I would be
a great cheese guy!

Chira: At first it seemed like
fun--different people host,

everyone brings a different
dish--but when

Marty's turn came up to host,
well, let's say

I sold a lot of
black togas that week.

[Tyrannis gasps]
Potluckus k*lled him?

Chira: No, he scraped his
leg up on a barnacle

and then a couple of days later
his skin fell off.

But before we knew it,
a schedule was set

and nobody here
could defy Potluckus.

Until you came along.

Tyrannis: Wow.
The politics here are crazy!

Chira: So, will you?
Defy Potluckus,

throw your own party,
and put party throwing

back in the hands of
all who want to?

Tyrannis: Kolax,
go get some cheese.

Soldier #1: Look, Apollo
worship has been banned

so we don't have a choice.

Now just pull the fresh skin

over the old skin.
Soldier #2: Aah!

Soldier #1: That's
how you fix a scratch.

Soldier #2: You're
forgetting our most powerful

healing tool after Apollo--pee!
Why don't we try pee?!

Deliria: Yoo hoo!
No need to pee on each other!

Goddess Queen Deliria
is here to help!

Soldier: Uhh!

Soldier #1: Whoa,
I didn't think anything

was more powerful than pee.

This is great.

Deliria: Ooh, look who's back!

I must be making a dent
in your territory.

Apollo: Pfft. Barely!

I'm just here to say
that you are

not more powerful
than pee. Mmkay?

You know Orion came from pee?

Came straight out of
a bull's hide full of god pee

and he hasn't stopped
being a pest since.

Deliria: Ah, yes,
you turned him into

a constellation, didn't you?
What are you saying?

Are you going to turn me
into a constellation as well?

Are you so mad that you'll
turn me into a constellation?

Apollo: Why do you
keep talking about--

Is that what this is about?

You want me to turn you

into a constellation?

Why, because it'll prove you

"got my goat" or something?

I'm not here for that.
I'm here to tell you--

Man #1: What!
Man #2: I can see again!

[Citizens talking at once]
Apollo: Stop--Stop it!

Stop doing that!

Deliria: Do you want
to know why Apollo

can't have a temple
in Krapopolis?

Hmm? Hmm?
The wait times.

The ineffectualness.
The fraud-godding.

You get none of that
with me, Deliria,

Goddess Queen of All Boo-Boos,

Stronger Than Pee,
and Irker of Apollo!

[Citizens cheer]

[Partygoers cheer and laugh]

Hippocampus: We gotta
get rid of this thing

before it destroys
Krapopolis, so,

I'll wade out front and make
sure it catches the current.

[Baby cooing]

Hippocampus and Stupendous:
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Hippocampus:
No, no, no, no, no.

Stupendous: Oh, no, no, no, no!
Hippocampus: This isn't OK!

Shlub: Oh, hello, little guy!
Where did you come from?

Partygoer #1: Oh, wow,
look at that baby!

You know, I'm weirdly
compelled to

follow him into battle.

Stupendous: OK, this
is all really unsettling.

Hippocampus: Are you
on my level now?

Can you please tell me
you're on my level?

Stupendous: Can't we
just give it to someone?

Hippocampus: Huh!
Stupendous: Better make it quick

because the longer
I'm with it,

the more I want to pledge
allegiance to it...

but I won't!
I won't.

Tyrannis: Hi. Ha ha. Hi.
[Indistinct chatter]

Tyrannis: Absolutely.

Hey, Kolax!
Wow, look at that!

Kolax: I got so excited
I might have gone
a little overboard.

Tyrannis: We love that here.
This party is

laid back, remember?
No rules, just fun!

Potluckus: Uh, what do
you think you're doing?

Tyrannis: Potluckus!
Glad you could make it.

Listen, thanks for the
invite to your place tonight,

but since I'd already gotten
the word out about mine,

I decided I should
probably stick with it.

I don't see why we can't all

throw a party if we want to.

Chira: Hey, Ty!
Great party.

I went with pita.
It goes with everything,

like the color of your eyes
with my dead husband's clothes.

Potluckus: I get it now.
Chira sold you

on this little spectacle.

How many times you gonna

buy her togas, Tyrannis?

Tyrannis: Whenever I have
a special occasion to attend?

What are you
on about, Potluckus?

Potluckus: Why don't you
take a look around, Ty Ty?

Everyone brought pita,
nobody brought booze.

Kolax brought his
homemade cheese,

which he does not
know how to make.

And how about
those tasty wieners?

How many did you
budget per person?

Tyrannis: I actually
accidentally gave them all away

throughout the day
while I was getting ready.

Potluckus: And you
figured everyone else's

contribution would
pick up the slack.

Just like everyone else did.

Tyrannis: Well, so what?
We don't need control

and order and good planning
to have a good time.

Potluckus: I don't
believe you believe that.

And I think you're
more like me

than you are like them.

Mind if I take this?

It's gonna go great with

my huge sack of meat.

I got extra, just in case.

[Citizens moaning]

Man #1: Help!
Man #2: Ha ha ha! That tickles!

Deliria: This is disgusting.
Apollo: Yeah. It is.

Usually these people are
barfing all over my temple

but now they're
barfing in yours.

Deliria: Is healing them the
only way to get rid of them?

Apollo: It's one way,
but it'll just encourage

more and sicker and stinkier
mortals to show up.

Or you can lift the ban
and we can all

go back to the way we were.

Deliria: I will take
the third option.

Apollo: There is
no third option!

Deliria: Oh, I think
there might be!

[Chicken clucks]
Deliria: I'll do some healing
until I find out.

Apollo: Argghh.
God, you are so annoying!

OK.
You are leaving me no choice!

I know it's
what you want, but--

Deliria: Turn me into
a constellation?

Apollo: Uch.
Turn you into a constellation!

Deliria [as constellation]:
Ah! Ha ha ha ha!

Apollo: You know what
you have to do

to get out of this!

Deliria [as constellation]:
Why would I want to?

My arse is so pointy.
I love it!

Stupendous: I gotta tell you,
I was a little surprised

you were so down to find
the basket baby a new home.

It's such a humane solution.

Hippocampus: If giving a baby
to someone who

desperately wants a baby

even though we
know that baby is

destined to cause untold
catastrophe is humane,

then yeah, that's what I am.

Stupendous: Are basket babies
ever the good guys?

Hippocampus: I'm not sure
what "good guys" means,

but I'd probably say
it depends whether your

family's the one
being overthrown?

Here we are.

Stupendous: Wait a minute.

Is this a volcano?!

Stupendous: You said
we were giving

the basket baby a home,

not throwing it in the volcano!

Hippocampus:
Who said anything about

throwing it in a volcano?!

I heard the High Priestess

of the Volcano likes babies.

Stupendous:
For volcano sacrifices?

Hippocampus: Or maybe
she wants the fulfillment

of raising a child!

Or she's bored!
I don't know!

Stupendous: OK,
but I give final approval.

High Priestess of
the Volcano: Hey, hi.

I'm the High Priestess of the--

[Gasp]
Is that a basket baby?!

I've always
wanted one of those.

Hippocampus:
It is, and you're in luck,

because we're looking
to find it a home.

Stupendous: We would raise
it ourselves, but we're

siblings and sociopathic
in our own distinct ways.

So can you tell us
a little bit about yourself?

What's your parenting style?

High Priestess of the Volcano:
I like to be the baby,

so I'd let it call
the shots.

Stupendous: That's good.
I like that.

Hippocampus:
Good enough for me.

High Priestess of the Volcano:
Oh, this baby

is gonna make the volcano
so happy!

Thank you, guys!

[Splash]

Stupendous: I said
I didn't want to throw

a baby in a volcano!

Hippocampus: And you didn't!

And I didn't!
But guess what?

I would throw a baby
into a volcano

to save our family!

Because as much as you guys
like to paint me

as the heartless one who cuts
people open just for looksies,

who tests minute amounts
of poisons on his siblings--

Stupendous: What?
Hippocampus: Who--

[expl*si*n, rumbling]

High Priestess of the
Volcano: Oh, hey, buddy.

Hey.

Lava goes that way, huh?

Away from mama.
Away from mama.

Stupendous: Run!

[Hippocampus
and Stupendous screaming]

[Baby cooing]

Stupendous: OK,
you weren't overreacting!

You were right!

Hippocampus: Run to the water!

Tyrannis: OK, so we're
out of booze,

we had to throw out
the cheese, but that

doesn't mean this isn't
a kickass party.

Ty Ty is gonna
make this work.

Kolax: Is that a basket baby
riding a wave of lava?

Tyrannis: We don't know
that's a basket baby.

Could just be a lava demon.

Kolax: Aah! [Panting]

[Hippocampus
and Stupendous screaming]

[Partygoers screaming]

Potluckus: Hey, everyone!
As you can see,

lava is slowly flowing
directly towards Ty's houseboat

accompanied by some kind
of demonic being.

My place is
just behind Ty's.

I got plenty of drinks
and meat to ride this out.

It was a nice try, Ty Ty,

but not just anyone
can throw a potluck.

Shlub: Is this
where the party is?

I brought ice!
Nobody ever has enough!

Oh, hey, Ty!
Look, everyone,
it's my son Ty!

Is this your...lava party?

Tyrannis: I don't know.
Is this your basket baby?

Shlub: My what?
Hippocampus: He forgot.

[Baby coos]
Shlub: Oh, yeah!

This guy!
I did forget.

Thanks for taking care of him.
He's your brother, right?

Stupendous: No.
He's a basket baby. Confirmed.

Really dangerous, the sort
of basket baby that makes you

want to apologize
to your brother

for not letting him
k*ll it.

Hippocampus:
I appreciate that.

Shlub: Well, I'm glad
to hear it all worked out.

Ty, what is this party?

There's no booze here!

Hippocampus:
It hasn't all worked out!

Ty, can you help us
out here?

Tyrannis: Dad.
To successfully get rid of

a basket baby, the recipient of
the "gift" has to do it.

Didn't I say this
was "Dad's problem"?

Hippocampus: Dad! Please!

Shlub: Well, if that's
what you really want,

I'm taking this little guy

for a drink.
Don't follow me!

Doozie: So there's
really no booze here?

Oh, that place looks fun.

Chira: I don't care what
Potluckus put in your head.

It was a really fun party
until the lava started flowing

toward the houseboat while
carrying that creepy baby.

See you soon, Ty Ty.

Stupendous: Ooh, "Ty Ty"?!

Tyrannis: Oh, stop it.
She's just a friend.

Dad! Where have you been?
And where--

Shlub: Is the basket baby?

Don't worry,
I took care of it.

Shlub, voice-over: I know you
think I don't take anything

seriously, but I don't like
catastrophe any more than you.

And while I didn't share
your urgency about Ron--

Hippocampus, voice-over: Wait.
Wait, wait, wait--

You named the basket baby?

Shlub: Helps with memory.

Shlub, voice-over: I know
that all of the evidence

pointed to him being
a threat to our family.

So I found a solution.

Hippocampus:
You fed Ron to wolves?!

Shlub: Wolves don't eat babies.
They raise them!

[Tyrannis, Stupendous,
and Hippocampus talking at once]

Shlub: I know what I'm doing.

Trust me, nothing can go wrong.
And if it does?

That's a tomorrow problem
for tomorrow Shlub.

And tomorrow Shlub never loses.
He Shlubs.

[Cups clink]

Has anyone seen your mother?

Deliria [as constellation]:
You have,

you just don't know it!

No, no, up here!

Shlub: Deliria! Is that you?

Deliria [as constellation]:
Yes! I pissed off Apollo

so badly that he did this to me.

I've discovered whole new ways
to get under their skin!

Shlub: You look gorgeous,
my darling!

Your arse is so pointy!

Deliria [as constellation]:
It is, isn't it?!

Shlub: I would love to
make love to you right now,

but I'm not sure I know how!

Deliria [as constellation]:
I look forward to trying!

Tyrannis: Is there any
way to turn you back?

To be clear,
totally unrelated new thought

having nothing to do
with what Dad just said.

Deliria [as constellation]:
The only way he'll turn me back

is if your father lifts
the Apollo worship ban.

Which he should not do.

I'm loving this!

Stupendous: Do you want
something to drink or something?

Deliria [as constellation]:
No, no, I'm good.

I'm in space.

[Wolf sniffs, howls]

[Growls]

[Ron growls]

[Wolves growling]

[All howl]

Deliria [as constellation]:
What do you think you're doing?!

Get out of here! Shoo!
Go on, shoo!

Go and find your own city,
you stupid, little basket man!

Dan Harmon:
Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento.