01x02 - Parents Are From Mars, Kids Are From Venus

[bunniefuu]

(theme music)

RONALD: I swear,

they get weirder every day.

My mom and dad spent an entire weekend

shopping for decorative pillows.

And they kept saying things

like "game-changer."

- About pillows?

- Yeah.

You should hear my dad

talk about solar panels.

Ninety percent of his conversations

are about how much money they save him.

He literally thanks the sun when it's out.

I mean, are all parents this cringey?

Jamie Shapiro's parents ride motorcycles.

My dad's van uses vegetable oil,

so I just stopped letting him drop me off

because kids said

that I smelled like French fries.

I mean, you kind of do.

(bell chimes)

I'm telling you, boys,

not only are Sasquatch real,

but they're getting more sophisticated.

- They're evolving.

- (chuckles)

Now, I'm not just

talking about using tools, either.

- (machine rattles)

- I mean, really evolving.

Some of them have even started

posting audio online.

So Bigfoot has a podcast?

Well, of course,

it's all subsidized by the government.

They're using them

to get their message out.

And why would the government

need Sasquatch to get its message out?

I've already said too much.

Okay.

Hey, you boys want to see a pixie skull?

- Yeah, I think we have to get going.

- Yeah.

Jack. Ronald.

Remember, boys.

Trust no one.

(suspenseful music)

(cheerful music playing)

(background chatter)

(fizzes)

Of course, we got the solar panels

for the planet,

but the real winner is my wallet.

That buyback program, the power company

writes me a check every month, eh?

Hey, here's looking at you, hot stuff.

- Winning.

- (guests laugh)

That's right.

How is that funny?

- You want a burger? Fresh and real hot.

- (neighbor) Please.

BONNIE: What's up, dawgs?

You boys excited about our trip

to Keystone Lake next weekend?

Yeah, actually,

the cabin looks pretty cool.

Yeah, I can't wait to swim in that lake.

I'm thinking about getting everyone

matching pajamas.

- (retches)

- What? It's gonna be off the chizain!

Oh, we're out of paper plates.

Later, skaters.

Matching pajamas?

I know.

DALE: Oh, is that my wife?

(whistles)

Yowza!

- (Bonnie giggles)

- (chuckles)

Stop it, you!

Oh, stop looking so good and maybe I will.

Hey, at least my parents don't flirt.

Yeah, you're so lucky.

- Howdy.

- DALE: There they are!

Hi, hi!

We heard the big news about the pillows.

You'll have to show us later

at Game Night.

That's right, Game Night's tonight.

Is it at your house or mine this week?

My house, I think.

Okay. We'll take refuge here, then.

What type of woodchips are you using?

Wait, Dale, don't tell me.

(sniffs)

Hickory.

- Pecan mesquite. I mixed it myself.

- Hey, oh!

- RON SR: He did.

- It's not me, right?

- They're definitely getting worse.

- Hundred percent.

Hey, uh, Jack.

DALE: Why don't you come over here

and let your old man show you

how to grill a flank steak, huh?

Oh, um

Yeah, I actually was just about

to go do some stuff.

- Yeah.

- I would love to, though.

Maybe later, thanks!

DALE: Howdy, broseph.

What's up?

Just, you know, saying hi.

Can I come in?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, look at that.

Your Little League trophies.

Man. You used to love baseball.

You remember the time

we went to the Hall of Fame?

Yeah. I mean, you, you got bit

by a snake at a rest stop.

And then we spent the whole trip

at Cooperstown Hospital.

We still had a blast. Got to admit.

We should go back.

DALE: Or go anywhere.

Taking trips, you know. Me and you.

(breathes deeply)

Can I pop a squat?

(inhales)

Look

(exhales)

I know you're not a little kid anymore,

and it's natural for you

to pull away from your parents.

But I wanna let you know

that I'll always be your dad.

(scoffs)

Okay, um, thanks, Dad.

And if you ever wanna talk

about any changes in your body

- (exhales)

- (Dale chuckles)

Listen, I get it. It's, it's normal.

I mean, we got the same parts, right?

(sighs)

And I've been through it,

so I'm, I'm here for you.

Thanks. Um, I'm gonna

Do your thing.

Give me Give me one of those.

- Okay.

- All right.

Okay, anyway.

(sighs)

Hey, I love you.

(sighs)

(exhales)

- RONALD: Dude, you're kidding, right?

- (clattering)

My dad tried to have

the same talk with me.

It was terrible, okay?

It ended with him kissing me on the lips.

Seriously?

To be fair, I did initiate it,

but I panicked, okay?

I just wanted out of that conversation.

- Okay.

- They've been stressing me out so much,

I broke out in a rash.

Dude, really?

- Me too.

- Is this puberty?

I think it's Poison oak.

Let's get ready for Game Night!

Call us if you need us. Later, fools. Dab!

She saw it on one of her mom vlogs.

- (player 1 groans)

- (player 2 grunts)

Just so you know,

I'm gonna k*ll you immediately,

and then I'm gonna keep k*lling you

until you beg for mercy.

You know you could k*ll other players

and give me a chance to get better.

No.

- Where's your headset?

- (sighs)

Aw, man. I left it at home.

Sorry.

(breathes sharply)

Fine.

Doesn't look like anybody's home.

No, I see your mom and dad's shoes.

See, I don't get that.

What's the point of having your own house

if you're not even allowed

to wear shoes inside?

(suspenseful music)

What's that?

- Is that your backyard?

- RONALD: I don't know.

Maybe they decided to watch

a movie or something.

(crickets chirping)

(parents chanting indistinctly)

What kind of game is this?

(all chanting indistinctly)

(creepy music)

(all chanting indistinctly)

Jack?

My coffee table's floating.

Let's get out of here.

(parents chanting indistinctly)

What, are they witches or something?

(stammers)

I don't know. They could be in a cult.

Yeah, so what do we do?

Should we call the police?

And tell them what?

That our parents were in robes

and levitating furniture?

(Jack panting)

We need to figure out

what's going on first.

RONALD: Right.

How do we do that?

(birds chirping)

(door creaking)

(sneaky music)

(sighs)

(exhales)

- Whatcha doing, pal?

- (exhales)

Um, I was, I was just looking

for my fishing rod

(chuckles)

for the lake trip.

(chuckles)

It's in the garage.

Oh, okay, thank you.

Hey, you, uh, skipped breakfast

this morning.

Is everything okay, son?

(stammers)

Yeah, everything's fine.

I just just a little tired, you know.

A changing body needs its rest, I guess.

(both sigh)

Little tadpole's losing his tail.

Yes, yeah, exactly.

That's me.

(chuckles)

Ribbit.

(Jack chuckles)

Anyways, Dad,

I, I have to go meet Ronald.

But thank, thank you.

Okay.

(breathes deeply)

I knew it.

JACK: So you recognize it?

(sighs)

Unfortunately.

Zugarians.

What, what are Zugarians?

Why "unfortunately"?

Boys.

There's no easy way to tell you this.

(sighs)

Your parents are aliens.

(thrilling music)

CRAZY CHRIS: Come on.

This town has been

a hotbed of alien activity for years.

In the '80s,

they started abducting humans,

replacing them with lookalikes

- Wait, so you're saying our parents

- CRAZY CHRIS: Sorry, kid.

Chances are, your real parents

ended up as hors d'oeuvres

on a Zugarian space cruiser.

If they took our parents,

why wouldn't they take us?

Because they, they take the parents first

and they wait

for their offspring to mature.

What do you mean, "mature?" Like

Like puberty?

Exactly.

How long have you had those?

- Poison oak?

- That's not Poison oak.

They're prepping your skin for extraction.

- That's what these rashes are?

- Yeah.

No, come on, that's nuts.

Uh My dad wears socks and sandals.

What alien would do that?

There's only one way to know.

Get me a

A DNA sample.

Strand of hair, fingernail clipping.

Put it in the jar, bring it back here.

Is this an old spaghetti sauce jar?

In the meantime,

I'll reach out to my network.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh.

(drawer scrapes)

You'll wanna wear these.

Protect your thoughts.

CRAZY CHRIS: And remember

Zugarians are not to be trifled with.

They are a paranoid species.

If they sense you're onto them,

even for a second

You'll both be appetizers.

- (breathes deeply)

- (line ringing)

(mysterious music)

RONALD: I can't believe we're doing this.

Oh.

(chuckles)

(Ron Sr. exhales)

(mysterious music continues)

(sloshing)

My rash is getting bigger.

Probably just 'cause

you keep scratching it.

Just leave it alone.

Yours is getting worse, too.

Yeah, well, I mean,

every time you scratch yours, it makes

Ronald.

It's changing colors.

- Does that mean they're aliens?

- No.

It doesn't mean anything, okay?

Look, it's an old tomato sauce jar

that we got from a guy named Crazy Chris.

But if we really wanna know,

we have to go back.

- Game night.

- Game night.

(crickets chirping)

(parents chanting indistinctly)

Maybe they're just weird.

I, I guess we could have imagined

the floating furniture.

(chanting indistinctly)

(squelching)

(both gasp, pant)

(crunches)

- (gasps)

- (chanting continues)

(all chanting indistinctly)

(chanting continues)

(Alien screams)

No, they're aliens.

They're definitely aliens!

(intense music)

(knock on door)

Hey, come on.

Put your shoes on, we're leaving ASAP.

DALE: For the lake?

- The lake? That's today?

- Yeah.

I, I need to call Ronald.

It's too late for that now.

(tense music)

The Gusbergs are already here.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

(exhales)

(pop music playing on car radio)

- Oh

- (chuckles)

- I know this one.

- (both laugh)

- DALE: Turn it up!

- (music plays louder)

Keystone Lake, here we come!

(parents cheer)

We gotta get out of here.

DALE: Come on!

(singing)

(both singing)

(chuckles)

(parents singing)

(engine rumbling)

(engine stops)

DALE: You all good?

Make sure you got everything.

CRAZY CHRIS: You're in grave danger.

Avoid being alone with them at all costs.

They like to isolate their targets

before they strike.

(mysterious music)

(mysterious music continues)

Yeah, this seems about right.

- (sudden music sting)

- Pretty, huh?

(Dale chuckles)

Yes, sir. Just us and the lake.

Nothing around for miles and miles.

Hey, would you look at that?

DALE: The old boat's still here.

We'll have to take you boys out

for a night cruise, huh?

- RONALD: Yeah, no, we're good.

- We're gonna go inside.

(suspenseful music)

(sighs)

What are we gonna do with them?

(scoffs)

Nothing.

Just forget the map, let's just run.

We're a million miles from anything.

So? I saw this show

where this guy lived on nothing

but, like, squirrel poop for six months.

JACK: I I've got a signal.

- (knock on door)

- (pants)

BONNIE: Jack? Ronald?

We're waiting

(sighs)

No screens at the lake.

We're waiting for you out there.

For what?

- For Game Night.

- (Jack gasps)

I thought, I thought

that was only for grown-ups.

Well, we figured it's time

to let you join in on the fun.

You're a couple of mature specimens now.

DALE: Hey! Let's get this party started!

Okay.

We'll be there in a minute, Mom.

Your hats are adorable, by the way,

but no hats at Game Night.

Dude, they're gonna suck out

our brains like milkshakes.

No, we'll get out of this, okay?

We'll find a way.

I'll, I'll just grab the keys

when they're not looking.

You don't know how to drive.

Well, it feels like a good time to learn.

(pants)

(tense music)

- Did you put those in my bag?

- No, I thought you lost the

RONALD: No, no, they're aliens.

They're definitely aliens!

- They know we know.

- Just try to stay calm, okay?

- My mom has tentacles.

- I know! So does mine.

RON SR: Hey, fellas! Before we get old!

- DALE: Too late!

- (parents laugh)

(crickets chirping)

(both breathing deeply)

RON SR: So

how do we wanna do this?

DALE: Well, six is too many for Pinochle.

Canasta?

Too complicated.

I suppose it doesn't even

matter what we play

Then it's Crazy Eights.

Throw the same number

or suit as the person before you.

First one to get rid of their cards wins.

Eights are wild.

Maybe we're not ready for this yet.

Don't worry, it won't hurt.

- (thuds on table)

- Wait, I forgot the knife.

RON SR. (clicks tongue):

Oh, come on, the knife.

- BONNIE: We need the knife.

- RONALD'S MOM: We need it.

Definitely want that knife.

(breathes heavily)

(ominous music)

Oh, honey, that's way too big.

It'll get the job done.

(gasps)

(breathes shakily)

(sighs)

DALE: Crazy Eights.

Diamonds.

BONNIE: Jack.

Jack, it's your turn.

BONNIE: Sweetie, what are you looking at?

Nothing. Sorry.

(pants)

RONALD: All right, let's see

Ronald, we can see your cards there, pal.

Oh, come on. Turn

I know.

Uh, it's a

(inhales)

strategy.

- PARENTS: Crazy Eights!

- (chuckles)

- (laughs)

- BONNIE: Look at you!

(ominous music)

RONALD: Come on!

Hurry up! Come on!

I'm trying!

RONALD: Come on, come on! Hit the gas!

(engine revs)

- (crashes)

- (parents scream)

(engine idling)

Well, we tried.

See you in the next life.

(suspenseful music)

RON SR: Boys, boys!

- DALE: Hey!

- RON SR: Stop.

- BONNIE: Guys, settle down!

- Ron, calm down.

- Settle down!

- Stop pretending you're our parents!

We know what you are.

(pants)

You took them, didn't you?

Didn't you?

My parents have terrible bodies.

Why would you even want them?

- Ron.

- Hey.

Guys, we are your parents.

No, no, you're you're like aliens.

- Or alien witches or something.

- RONALD: Yeah, we saw everything.

The floating furniture, the head,

and those weird tentacle things.

(Ronald breathes heavily)

They're called florgs.

And you've got them, too.

No No, you're aliens.

We're we're just people.

We're nothing alike.

I know it feels that way sometimes, but

For what it's worth,

we think you're weird, too.

I'm not an alien.

RON SR: Not to us, you aren't.

You're just our kids.

No, no. What is happening?

Am I an alien or not?

Yes, son.

We all are.

(exhales)

(clicks tongue)

You've, uh, you've had this

for a little while now, huh?

It's your body's way

of letting us know that it's time.

Oh, it's okay, everything's all right.

This is nothing like Cooperstown.

(Dale chuckles)

(florgs squelching)

(titters)

We wanted to tell you, honey.

We just wanted to make sure

you were ready.

(florgs squelching)

(rumbling)

(clattering)

(florgs squelching)

(squelching continues)

Dude.

Dude.

I guess we really are like you.

No you're like you.

DALE: And that's the way we like it.

We love you.

Love you, too.

(chuckles)

(soft chuckle)

(crickets chirping)

(sighs)

Well, I don't think we're getting

our security deposit back.

- Nope.

- Come on, little doggies.

- All right.

- DALE: Let's hustle.

Which one's ours again?

See that little speck near Orion's belt?

I think so.

DALE: That, my boys, is Zugaria.

Let's go.

(door opens)

So, what's it like?

You'll have to see it for yourself.

Wait, I I thought

we were just driving home.

We are.

(beeps)

BONNIE: Here we go, boys.

(whirring)

- (beeps)

- DALE: Buckle up.

(seat belts click)

(whirring)

(keys clink)

(breathes sharply)

(zooming)

See you around, boys.

(florgs squelching)

DALE: Hey, how about some tunes, huh?

(parents singing)

- (all sing)

- Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

(singing continues)

(whooshes)

(mysterious music)