01x02 - Thirsty

[bunniefuu]

(dramatic tones)

- Previously on "Ezra."

(owl hooting)

(suspenseful synth music)
But I like tea.

(horror tones)

- We're so sorry to
see you go, I mean,

we would love to have
people like you in our club.

Just leave your
email at the door.

- People like what?

- You know, diverse?

- Do you even talk
to your family?

- Does Satan still
talk to Jesus?

- At all? Not even cool cousins?

- I have one cousin and
she's actually insane.

Like, trust me, these
people are wicked.

(bodies slamming)
(man exclaiming)

(drink splashing)

(suspenseful synth music)

- Did you hear?

We found your
little cousin, Ezra.

- What?

(dramatic bass tones)

(whimsical music)

- [Ezra] If you're wondering
what the f*ck is going on?

Literally, same.

As part of my psychology degree,

I have to run student-led
counseling sessions.

- And when I was
eight, my mom explained

that maybe my dad
would've stayed if I'd
eaten my vegetables

but that only made me
hate vegetables more.

- [Ezra] As you can see,
Derek is getting pretty close

to a major breakthrough.

Faculty doesn't care
that these sessions

are a huge waste of time,

or that most of the
psychology students

end up giving terrible
advice; frankly, neither do I.

It's not like I'm here
to give advice anyway,

I'm just here to
browse the menu.

- And I've done everything,
man, but I can't go near

a piece of f*cking broccoli
without getting sick.

- Have you tried drinking? Sex?

Light drug use.

- Uh.

- [Ezra] Grinder? Scruff?

- (voice shaking) Uh no, I've
been avoiding those things.

- [Ezra] Why?

- I'm trying to find healthier
ways to deal, to cope,

to better myself.

- Okay.

Listen, Derek, you're
gonna die someday,

probably by some freak accident
when you fall off cliff

or get bludgeoned
death by the puritans

for wearing cuff jeans and
yes, I picked up on that, mama.

You gotta ask yourself,
"What really matters?"

Is sitting around
wishing mommy and daddy

were drinking mimosas on
the beach truly helpful?

Exactly.

Well would you look at
the time, oh my gosh,

thank you so much for coming.

Thank you for coming.

(sad music)
Go home.

Write out a list of all the
things you look forward to,

this way you can
focus on the future

and not obsess about the past;

trust me, it's not worth it.

(sad music ending abruptly)

(low bass rumbling and building)

Okay, f*ck that.

(drawer opening)

(Derek screaming)
(brief violin horror music)

Here's Mr. Broccoli,
just relax, calm down.

Take him out, have a
drink, have a c*ck,

show him a good time.

Just really get to
know each other.

(low bass rumbling and building)

(toy squeaking)
Yeah.

(intense choir music)

Brutal.

(bell dinging melodically)

- [Announcement] (over speaker)
Reminder for all students,

use the buddy system while
entering the school locker room.

(Meg Smith's "Cross my Heart
I Hope you Die" playing)

♪ Me and my girls
yeah call us a coven ♪

♪ When it comes to lovin'

♪ They got my back when I go
on trustin' boys like you ♪

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ The cemetery

♪ Boy ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P you're dead to me

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ I hope you're ready

♪ Boy ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P you're dead to me

♪ Cross my broken
heart I hope you die ♪

♪ Die

♪ Cross my broken
heart I hope you die ♪

♪ Die R.I.P you're dead to me

(music ending)

(locker slamming)
(low bass tone rumbling)

- [Ezra] I used to
envy this world;

they got to live a life
not hidden in the shadows,

but out in the open and free.

Now I see that
that's not the case,

these people are caged
by their insecurity.

- [Sam] Yo, move it.

- [Student] Uh, believe
this is the men's room.

- Yeah, thanks for
the tour, now move.

- Wait a minute, are you like,
one of those transformers?

(group of students laughing)

You deaf?

(group of students laughing)

(rhythmic mischievous music)

- How much more time you need?

(blood trickling)

- Just about finished.

- Sick.

(upbeat music)
♪ How you spend a day

♪ Wishing on flowers

♪ Phone calls listen for hours

♪ Start sweet but
it don't matter ♪

♪ The apathy but so what

(Derek muttering)

- Hey, what could I get for you?

- Uh, hey, can I
get a medium iced?

Make sure it's iced,
oat-milk latte with room.

(customers chattering
in background)

- Sure, it'll be $6.60.

(Derek exhaling)

(footsteps tapping)

(ice rattling)

Here you go.

- Thanks.

(customers chattering
in background)

(upbeat song on speakers)

(low bass tone rumbling)

(liquid pouring)

(flask cap clicking)

(lid closing)

(ice rattling)

- Oh, my Gaga.

Sorry, I do not mean to be Joe
from "You" stalker vibes rn,

but if my little ears
didn't deceive me,

did you just order an
iced coffee with oat milk?

- Yeah, dairy hurts my stomach.

- (screaming) Yes! That is
so cute, you are adorable.

Love those necklaces, are you
going to the vigil tonight?

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, the remembrance
club is hosting it,

it's gonna be in the
actual locker room

where the guy was
actually m*rder*d;

there's blood still
leftover and everything.

But it's not really for
the weak-hearted, you know?

It's kinda graphic, like
an escape room but real?

- Remembrance club?

- Mm-hm, lots of
people are being like,

violently m*rder*d right now.

Be careful or you might be next.

(Amber laughing)

No, that's not funny, it's not.

Because if you were
m*rder*d? Oh my God,

that would be a hate crime.

That would be a
hate crime, okay?

No, that's worse than a real
crime and we love the gays.

I am an (slurring)-plus
community ally

and I cannot have
that, we cannot-

(sighing) Oh God.

Do you watch "Drag Race?"

- "Drag Race?"

(Amber laughing)

- You're actually k*lling me.

"Drag Race," come on.

(imitating RuPaul)
Lipsynch for your life.

Come on.

(Amber speaking gibberish)

Miss Vanjie.

Miss Vanjie.

(Amber speaking gibberish)

(Amber laughing)

(Amber speaking gibberish)

You're g*y, right? I'm
not getting this wrong?

(Amber laughing)

(gasping) Oh, not you
sipping. (tongue popping)

(Amber laughing
and tongue-popping)

Queen of sipping,
slay her, bestie.

- I don't slay women.

(Amber exclaiming)

- Um...

Hello.

- Hi, lesbo, what do you want?

- Excuse me?

- Sorry, me and my newfound
g*y bestie are actually having

a social, hunty, kiki
gathering, of course.

(Amber speaking gibberish)

(Amber laughing)

It's a "Drag Race" reference.

And oh, right, there's that
exhibit, the scissor exhibit

at the front hall that you
would love to go to, right?

You have tickets to that?

You'd love that, right?

Lots of vaginas and
eating out and boobie.

- You're so funny,
Amber, you know what?

I was just looking for you.

You know when you
Facetune your a*s,

it's not supposed to be
noticeable? We stan warped a*s.

(gasping lightly) Maybe
it wasn't Facetune.

- Mm. (chuckling sarcastically)

It's funny, it's
actually really funny.

It's not funny because I come
from a dynasty-long thread

of family members
who have small asses,

so it's actually one of
my biggest insecurities.

(breath quivering) Thanks,
thanks Gwen, my day is ruined.

I swear it was really
great to meet you

and I'm sorry that we
had to end on this note,

so see you guys later.

Girls, let's go.

(heels clomping)

- Okay, so what the f*ck?

- Not you being a g*y icon.

- Shut up.
(Ezra laughing)

Heads up, physique from
economics is coming.

- Hey Ezra.

- Oh, hey Ian, this is Gwen.

- Hey, you're in my
economics class right?

- Oh, I am failing
your economics class.

What did I just miss?

- Honestly, I don't know.

- So what did you get?

- [Ian] Pfizer.

- I meant the coffee.

- Oh! I got an iced
vanilla oat-milk latte;

it's really good.

- Iced.

Really, I didn't expect that.

- [Ian] Why not?

- You know, you just seem more

like a regular-milk type
of guy, but what do I know?

- Yeah.

I mean, oat milk's a safe bet;
(whooshing tone)

it's the same everywhere you
go, it's usually a good...

good choice, you good man?

- Never better.

(building tone)

(intense rhythmic synth music)