01x02 - The Consequences of Making Yourself at Home

[bunniefuu]

- Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Just give me two
seconds to get out

my notebook for the
handoff status report,

and I'll get you on your way.

- Julia, you may
keep your notebook

very deep in that body bag
of a satchel you have there.

My update is short.

Right now, your daughter is
in her room on her phone.

Her brother is in his
room on his phone,

as they have been for
96% of my week with them.

- Anything fun
planned for the week?

- Father and son fishing trip.

- So no.

- Well, I don't want to keep
you from fishing or leaving,

so I'll see you next week.

- Hey. Guys, how's it going?

- Hey.
- Hey, Trey.

What do you say?

Fancy looking luggage.

What'd something
like that run you?

- About $3,300.

- Did it come with
$3,200 inside it?

- Practicing your
dad jokes, Jim?

- Yes, I am.

- Keep practicing.

- Trey's rolling luggage in.

I didn't even realize he
was sleeping here now.

Big development.

Very peaceful and
easy-going of you, son.

You're like Gandhi.

- Yeah, if Gandhi's
ex-wife had her boyfriend

stay over with her
and Gandhi's kids

without asking Gandhi first.

- So you didn't know about this.

You're simmering.

This is what it was like
when Gandhi realized what

the English were really up to.

He got mad.

How long do you think this
fight with Julia's gonna take?

- There's not gonna be a fight.

- Want me to order
something for you?

- There's not gonna be a fight.

- Turkey burger? No onions?

Diet Coke?

- Regular Coke.

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we
once had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all
together as a crew ♪

♪ Trust, do as we
say, not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

- Don't think I don't know
what you think I don't know.

- I don't know what you
think you know that I know.

- I'm talking about you
trying to sneak Trey in here

to spend the night.
- Sneak?

He just walked
through the front door

with a gigantic
titanium suitcase.

- Hiding in plain sight.

- Dude, come on.
He's my fiancé now.

We're more or less married.

- Yeah, you're less married.

You know when you'll
be more married?

When you're married.

And when you're married,
he can stay over.

That's the rule we agreed to.
- Come on.

Stop being such a prude.

You slept over at my apartment
before we got married.

- Yeah, because we
didn't have children.

The only people we
were corrupting was us.

Look, when we started
this whole nest thing,

we were deliberate.

We wrote at a constitution...
at your insistence,

by the way... article
nine of which is,

no romantic interest
may spend the night

without a full family
vote and written consent.

- Trey is not a
romantic interest.

He's my fiancé.

- For your sake, I hope
that came out wrong.

And for the sake of all the time

we spent debating and
deliberating and mutually

concluding, I must lower
my foot down as one

does in such a circumstance.

- What's the problem?

- Why do you always
assume there's a problem?

- Because there's
always a problem.

- There's no problem.

- I stand corrected.

- The problem is when two people

have kids, get
divorced, you can't

just do whatever you want.

Because feelings get hurt.

You have to foresee
potential pitfalls

and agree on certain
guardrails and document it

and ratify it and notarize

what has been agreed upon.

- What's he waving?

- He's miming waving a document.

- Ah.

- I don't have to mime
it because I have it.

Follow me, please.

- Do we have to follow him?

- Yes, you have to follow me.

Behold.

The Kearney Family Constitution,

which codifies the
fundamental laws of the nest,

itemized and laminated,
not unlike what

Moses did with Yahweh's
Ten Commandments.

- Why am I just finding
out about this now?

- You don't know about Moses?

Ah, where to begin.

As a baby, he was placed in a
basket in the river Euphrates.

- I think you mean the Nile.

- If you knew, why'd you ask me?

- The agreement's
been in the drawer

since the day we wrote it.

And everything's
been working fine.

- Because our laws have been
observed and not flouted.

Julia, would you please
read article nine

aloud to your lover?

- "Neither parent shall have
a third party stay overnight

in the nest while the..."

- Whilst.

Whilst.

- "Whilst the
children are present

without express written
consent from the other parent."

- I am looking high and low
for my express written consent,

and I am finding no
expression, no writing,

and certainly no consent.

- I don't get it.
What's the big deal?

Julia and I sleep at
my place all the time.

- Yeah, because your
place is hopefully a den

of premarital sin.

But the nest is a place
where, since our divorce,

Julia and I have tried to give
our kids the false impression

that nothing has changed.

And whilst you mock
our constitution,

it was Julia who
fought especially hard

for the permission clause.

- Because I wanted
to protect the kids

from anyone who would,
if I'm being truthful,

sleep with you.

- Shows what you know.

I haven't slept
with anybody. Ha!

Bottom line, it's
up to the kids.

Hey, kids, we need you.

- OK. OK.

You're right, you're
right. I know, Trey.

It's a lot to absorb.

- Phones down.

That is technically down.

- Kids, we are
thinking of having

Trey stay over on my weeks.

Would that be OK with you?

- I'm cool with it.

But how do you
feel about it, Dad?

- I mean, I like Trey.

I want him to feel
welcome in this family,

but not at the expense
of your feelings.

- Wait a second.
You're fine with this?

What are we even doing here?

- It is not about my feelings.

It is about a process that takes

into account all of our feelings

for the sake of the children.

Jimmy, how do you feel?

- I thought he did
sleep over sometimes.

- On the couch, only once.

- I'll allow it. Jimmy?

- I'm cool with Trey.
- Then it's unanimous.

Where's my gavel?
- Oh, do we really...

- Yes, we really need the gavel!

Article nine has been
amended to add Trey Taylor

as a permanent guest.

- Yes!
- Congratulations.

- Constitutional crisis averted.

- Great. Can I use
the bathroom now?

- Ah, permanent bathroom
rights are included.

Out that window is the city
of Boston, the birthplace

of America, democracy.

Is it perfect? No!

Does it fall into
the wrong hands?

All the time.

But is that a reason
to throw it out?

No, no, my friends.

That is a reason
to fight for it.

Democracy... if there's a better
system, I haven't found it.

- Can you believe it?

Our first official night
sleeping in the nest.

- Kind of sunken in down here.

The kids call it Daddy's Divot,

created by Jim
sleeping in the exact

same position every night.

He'd take off all his clothes,
curl up, like knees to chest,

boom, out like a light and
looking like a 150-pound fetus

with a beard.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no, I can't!
- What?

What?
- I can't I can't.

I'm sorry.
- What's wrong?

- I can't. I can't.

I can't. I... I shouldn't.

I shouldn't have to think
of Jim nude while resting

in Jim's nude fetus divot.

- Why didn't you say something?

- It was seven seconds ago.

I'm saying something.

- How about we switch sides?

- OK.
- OK.

- It's a nightmare, right?

- It's awful.
- Yeah.

I have another idea.

We can replace this
mattress with the same kind

we have in my place, the
Royal Luxe Smart Mattress.

Remember your first time on it?

You said it was like sleeping
on a cloud made of clouds.

It made no sense, but I
got what you were saying.

- OK, you win. Get
me out of here.

I'll call Jim first
thing in the morning.

Wha...

- Why?

Article 15.

"Any new furniture or appliances

bigger than a toaster must
be approved by both parties."

- The constitution covers beds.

- This is what happens when
I watch the "Today Show."

They put ideas in my head.

Thanks a lot, Hoda.

- Hey. I am here.

Heard there was a
constitutional issue.

- More like
constitutional bonus.

Trey wants to gift us with
an ultra-fancy high-end

smart mattress.

And because a mattress
is bigger than a toaster,

I am respecting you
and following protocol.

Congratulations.

We're the winners of
a brand-new mattress.

- So this is what our
life is gonna be like now.

Trey wants to sleep
over, Trey sleeps over.

Trey wants a new mattress,
we get a new mattress.

All hail King Trey,
the mattress king.

I say king, because clearly
the nest is a monarchy now.

Democracy is just a facade.

- I am asking you first.

Now grab the gavel and
bang this into law.

- Well, I do appreciate
that you asked me first.

And I do love my gavel.

Motion approved.

Feel free to let Trey know
that the gavel has fallen

and he may order his
new mattress anon.

- To the right. Going right.

Watch it. Watch it.

Watch it.

How you doing, Jimbo?

- Treason!

Ruling rescinded
due to egregiously

premature expectation
of affirmative vote.

- I didn't know that Trey had
already ordered the mattress.

But now that it's here,
at least lie down on it.

It is the best
mattress in the world.

- It's not about the mattress.

It is about how, in divorce,
we must conduct our lives

with some level of grace so
that our selfishness does not

cause us to make
decisions that divide us.

- The Royal Luxe is about
Trey being a delicate sleeper.

He's not trying to divide
us with a mattress.

- Jimbo, I know I jumped
the g*n, but hear me out.

There's usually a
six-month waiting list.

But I got lucky.

Turns out Taylor Swift's
cats prefer hammocks.

Try it out.

- King Trey is now
ordering me to bed.

- Try the mattress, Jimbo.

You won't be sorry.

- I don't care how
great the mattress is.

It's never gonna
make any difference.

I don't...

oh, oh, my God.

I can't tell where my body
stops and the bed begins.

I wish I could take
my clothes off.

- I'm so glad you have them on.

- Jim?
- We can keep it.

- Once again, thank
you for being so

accommodating and agreeable.

- Well, it is my nature.

As James Madison
said, compromise

is the key to democracy.

- You know, that's funny.

It's often attributed
to James Madison.

But the quote's
actually Ben Franklin's.

- And this quote is mine.

- What's that?

It looks like footprints.

- Oh, I totally
forgot about those.

Um, that was when
we first moved in.

We didn't have any furniture.

We just had the
mattress, remember.

Bella, bella.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, bella.

That was a night. I
forgot about those too.

- Can somebody explain
what's so funny?

- Oh, well, years ago, we went
to the San Gennaro Festival

and stomped grapes.

My feet were still
red when we got home.

And we kept calling
each other...

- Bella, bella, what a fella.

- Yeah, but... yeah,
but how'd the footprints

get on the wall?

- Uh...

- Uh... well, if we were to
do a forensic analysis...

I mean, you know, it
was a long time ago,

before my hip issues,
when my bursa was robust.

I was the catcher on my
high school baseball team,

so I could hold a stance
for at least nine innings.

Again, my memory's not perfect.

So I guess I was roughly
here with her legs

wrapped around here
and the feet kind of...

kind of braced here.

And then...

Bella, bella!

- You're upset about
the footprints.

- I'm not upset.

- OK, OK, I can't lie.

When Jim and I were
married, we hooked up.

Grace and Jimmy were not
conceived immaculately.

- No, I get that.

It's just I don't understand why

I got to stare at
the sexy evidence

on the wall behind the bed
where the hooking up happened.

But I'm not upset.

- You are, and you
have every right to be.

But here's the thing.

You can't see the footprints
through the headboard.

- Once again, I'm not upset.

But I'll still
know they're there.

So good news, I got a solution.

We're gonna paint...

2, 3, 40 coats.

- Great idea.

And surely, the room needs it.

But the constitution does say...

- Stop with the
fricking constitution,

I'm becoming an anarchist.

- I just don't want
you to be upset.

- I'm not upset.

You know what's great about
having a place on Nantucket?

You can send your
fiancée and her kids

to Nantucket so you can
paint over her Italian sex

- I...

smell...

paint.

You painted.

- You're here. Why?

It's not your week.

- Never mind why I'm here,

which is to return my fishing
rod, which lives here,

where I live sometimes.

But let's talk about
how you painted.

- I can explain.

And you
scolded me for lying

about a dead goldfish,
but here you are

ready to lie to me about this.

- I didn't lie.

I just didn't tell you.
Ask me if I painted.

- Did you paint?
- Yep.

- Oh! Unbelievable!

You are incapable of living
under anyone else's rules.

Article 22, "No repainting..."

- I know! I know!

- You knew?
- I knew.

- It's the exact same color.

It would have been dry by
the time it was your week.

I was hoping you
wouldn't notice.

It would have been like
I never painted at all.

- Except you painted.

- OK, fine. You know what?

I don't say this often.

My bad.

- You knowingly spit in the face

of the bedrock, the
foundation, the core values

of this family.

What's going on?

- Why are you laughing?

Why am I more scared
of the laughing

than I am the yelling?

- You should be scared.

Because Julia's gonna k*ll you.

- For painting?
I don't think so.

- Not for painting.

For erasing our
cherished memories.

Your painters painted
over our height chart.

- Height chart?

- Yes, the height chart
that was here on this door

where, for 14 years, we measured

our beloved children's height.

- I didn't know there
was a height chart there.

- And how could you? Oh, wait.

Maybe if you'd
followed protocol,

you would have been made
aware of the height chart

during one of my
many filibusters.

But no, you went rogue,
your own little January 7th.

- You mean January 6th.

- No, January 7th, the
day they repainted.

- Come on, man.

This is a bit of
an overreaction.

- So many memories... oh,
now painted over memories.

Oh, little Jimmy Junior would
always say, one day, Dad,

I'll be taller and
older than you.

Adorable. Right?

And, oh, how we laughed.

But not anymore.

No more laughter.

All we have now is the
memory of our memories.

That's what Julie will say...
or try to say, in between sobs.

- Come on, man,
it was a mistake!

- So was Jimmy Junior, but
we never painted over him.

And it wasn't a mistake.

You didn't just accidentally
call some painters.

This is a way of saying,
hey, Jim Kearney.

I'm Trey Taylor, owner
of the Boston Celtics.

And I am in charge here.

All you had to do was
play by the rules.

- Not the rules, your rules.

- Every article
has to be ratified.

- Ratify this.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What are you guys doing,
for crying out loud?

Throw a punch or shut up.

- Trey painted over
the height chart.

- You two are acting
like Gus and Charlie.

- Who are Gus and Charlie?

- They're our Basset hounds.

We got Charlie when
he was a puppy.

He peed on everything to
mark his territory, like Jim.

And then we got
another Basset hound.

- Gus?

- Look how you worked that out.

- Gus started peeing
on everything.

Then Charlie peed on
everything Gus peed on.

Gentlemen, what you have here is

a Basset hound peeing contest.

Charlie, things are changing,
and you have to adapt.

And, Gus, you may be the
king in your own kingdom,

but you just entered
into another dog's yard.

So drop it, both of you.

- OK.

I will admit, I've
been a little Charlie.

- And I haven't been
respecting your rules,

which I guess is a
little Gus-like, even

though I've never met the dog.

- I got to get out
of here before you

guys start sniffing, licking,
and humping each other.

- Gus and Charlie
became very close.

- Well, what are we
gonna do about the height

chart Gus painted over?

- Oh, I can take care of that.

A little turpentine and lye so
you can see the indentations.

Julia will never know.

Charlie, get me some turpentine,

a bucket, rags, and a mask.

Gus, get me four cold
beers and a bag of chips.

There's a 50/50 chance
this won't work.

- I'll take those odds.

- There wasn't a chance
it wasn't gonna work.

I just wanted some
beer and chips.

- Trey? We're back.

- Oh, they're back,
they're back, hurry up.

Hurry up.
- All done.

She'll never know
the difference.

Operation Height
Chart completed.

- Jim, Bobby, what are you...

do I smell paint?

Did you paint?

- No, I talked to Trey, and
we agreed that we should

paint the room together.

- Let me understand.

You and Trey talked.

You had a bipartisan
meeting across the aisle?

Both: Yup.

- The arc of the
moral universe bends

towards you two getting along.

- This is the new mattress?

- Can we jump on it?

- Let's check your height first.

- Oh, no, no, no.

He's tall enough.

No, no, just bounce
your little heart out.

- Measure me, Mom.

- OK.

All right.

Up 1/2 inch for Jimmy.

Grace, now you.

Ooh.

An inch for Grace.

Now me.

Thank you.

- Whoa.

Growth spurt for
Mom, up 3 inches.

- Mom.

- Ah. OK.

- OK.

All right.

Uh... same.

- Well, you're
not shrinking yet.

That's good.

- Trey.

I'm taller.

Look at you, keeping
magazines alive.

- Uh-oh.

Just got a notification from
the Royal Luxe Smart Mattress.

Jim just got naked.

- How does the mattress know?

- It's smart.

- What are you doing?

- Remote temperature control.

I'm gonna make it colder...

much, much colder.