01x03 - Canvassing Is Trash

[bunniefuu]

[ phoebe snoring ]

♪♪

[ snores loudly ]

oh. Oh.

Mm.

Weird. I think you have

a saint bernard living in
your wall or something.

Do you know how dogs work?

No.

[ laughs ] mm.

How'd you sleep?

You mean for the four minutes
we weren't bone-bones?

Okay, I'm a grown person.

Uh, but whatever
you want to call it,

it was fun as hell.

Yeah, but, seriously,
we have to stop.

This is hella messy.

Like, I'm sleeping
with the enemy.

I am not the enemy.

I'm the enemy's advisor.

So, one last bone-bones
to remember me by?

Ooh! That would make me
old rose from "titanic."

I like.

[ chuckles ]

mm. Mm.

You know, honestly,

the fact that leo blew
her back out so good

that her old a*s returned to
the scene of the bone sesh

80 years later? That's
not talked about enough.

Her "floating on
the wood" at the end

both is and is not a metaphor.

[ laughing ] exactly.

Mm.

[ cellphone rings ]

oh! Gosh.

Phoebe. There you are.
So... Where is she?

Hey, not to sound all
your sister-in-law, but...

[as jessie] where are you?

Oh, sh*t!

I gotta go, dude.

Is everything okay?

Ugh!

Kind of.

Mm, not cool.

But also pretty cool.

Okay, bye!

Jayden: And,
finally, everyone,

thank you for giving
up your Saturday.

And a very special thanks
to my wife and daughter

for putting up with me
burning the midnight oil.

I mean, of course, that's,
uh, metaphorical oil,

not fossil fuels.
That's a big no-no.

Anyway, uh, today's
the last day,

and we're 1,000 signatures
from getting on the ballot.

So let's get out there, kick
some butt, and take some names!

Yes! Huh?

Jayden: Yeah! Alright?

Alright! Jayden
hill for presidente!

[ both chuckle ] sorry
I'm late, you guys.

Dentist appointment...
Teeth whitening.

Yeah, she's got vag*na dentata.

Auntie phoebe, you
look so pretty!

Um, excuse me, queen.
You look so pretty.

Auntie phoebe looks like

she just came from
a sleepover party.

Yes, she does. And I
hope she got some rest,

because we have her
covering a very big area.

Ooh. Are you gonna be okay?

It's a long walk.
Um, are you kidding?

I'm ready to go. This is what
john lewis wore at selma.

Oh, my family
was at selma. Oh!

But not on the right side.

Jayden: Mm. They brought dogs.

Okay. Team hill
is a go. Mm-hmm.

Aren't we the cutest
political family ever?

Yeah, watch this. Aisha,
hit them with the smile.

See? That's 75
signatures right there.

So, what are we doing?
Is this going to be fun?

Sweetie, of course
it's gonna be fun.

Mm-hmm. It's gonna be
fun, fun, fun, fun.

Daddy, you sound like a
chuck e. Cheese commercial.

I will work on that. Oh, god.

Um, pheebs, you're gonna
take this seriously, right?

This is your brother's career.

What?! I'm totes
seer-seer, okay?

Activating serious
political phoebe now.

Let's go.

Oh. Uh... Okay. Um...

Oh, let me just
grab this. Okay.

Oh. Cheesecake flavored.

Yeah, second dessert. Come on.

"extra crunchy"?
What does that mean?

♪

♪ I'm so hot, I can
melt an ice cube ♪

♪ send the heat ♪

thank you so much for your time!

[ sighs ]

dumb b*tch.

Oh, my god. This
is so slow-going.

What?

Dude, we got like 30
signatures. That's not bad.

Okay, I do think that
we would get more

if you weren't so... [sniffs]

yikes! Incredibly ripe.

You smell like when a
cat knows it's the end,

so it crawls under the house.

Oh, god! That's me?
I thought it was

the chicken
slaughterhouse we passed.

Do not blame the chickens.

Okay, I need a
change of clothes.

Maybe a burn barrel.

Jayden: Thank you so much.
Jessie: Thank you so much.

Really appreciate it.

You guys, we are k*lling it.

These people are eating us up.

Speaking of eating, can
I get a tummy deposit?

You won't like me
when I'm hangry.

Yeah. You know
what? Here you go.

Hold out your little paw.
Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop!

How often do we get to hang out,
you know, just really connect?

Is this the best
family fun day or what?

I'm sucking on pocket almonds
like an old man in a tracksuit.

So no.

Mm. Okay, at this rate,

we'll have 600 signatures
by the end of the day.

Ha ha! See? Whoo!

Fun, right? We're... we're
meeting lots of people,

knocking on doors
together as a family.

Dad, I know a scam
when I see one.

Canvassing is trick-or-treating
without the candy.

Mm.

Next house. Next house.

Hey! My heaux bag has arrived!

Okay, that is not a nice
thing to call your friend,

who happens to be
gorgeous and smart...

No, idiot. This
is her heaux bag.

It's an emergency go-bag
for mornings after!

Ooh! Hey!

Okay, okay. Well, then you're,
like, a really kind person

for bringing that to
stinky. No cap, 'cause I was

halfway through season
1 of "love is blind."

mm-hmm. Mm.

Ooh! Never mind.

This is the most important
thing I've ever done in my life.

Thank you so much.
You're the best!

[ both chuckle ]

okay, I can't believe how
much my old hood has changed.

Look at these people.

They got one of those
overpriced croissants

from that french café,
le beau papillon.

They out here selling
$9 coffees to hipsters.

That used to be the bodega
I bought my weed at.

Is that café close?

I would k*ll for a
beet-milk latte right now.

But, also, like, yeah,
screw G*ntrification.

Okay, ebony and ivory,
can you guys focus up?

Like, we got to find out
which one of these houses

is gonna let me in so I can
change in their bathroom.

Ooh! The one with the
blm sign looks promising.

Mm, yeah, don't
get your hopes up.

This is still brooklyn.

Nobody's inviting a stranger
in to use their bathroom.

Woke woman: Enjoy
our bathroom!

Thank you so much, queen!

You may stink, but
you still good.

Thank you very much
for letting us in.

So, uh, do you always
let beautiful strangers

use your toilet?
Uh, well, of course!

Our baño es tu baño.

You know, in this house, we
believe black lives matter

and everybody poops.

Visitors? Hi! Pastries!

[ chuckles ]

only two more houses
on this block, honey.

Really? Yeah. And
you know what?

I think there's, like, a little
leave-one, take-one library

at the end of the
next block, so... ooh.

Cool. Can't wait to stick
my hand in a mystery box

on a brooklyn
street. [ groans ]

okay, next house. Mm-hmm.

Here we go. [ doorbell rings ]

hey! You guys made it! Hey.

I got nervous when
you didn't rsvp.

But that's okay. Leila will
be so happy aisha's here.

Aisha: Yay, leila!

Oh... [ laughs ] uh, she's...

Barnaby and sebastian
are in the back.

They're making sustainable
papier-mâché party favors

out of old new york
times book reviews

with the twins,
eagle and everest.

Eagle and everest.
Love those guys.

Uh-huh. E-squared. Yeah.

Love it. Come on in.
Yeah, just [stammers]

what's going on? It's
aisha's classmate's birthday.

I forgot it was today.

Of all the [bleep]
houses in brooklyn!

- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!

Oh, yeah!

♪

[ sighs ]

♪

♪

[ gasps ]

oh. Fancy.

Mm, how do you say this?

"bergomit."

"bergama"? "bergamo"?

Lady "ber-gaga"?

♪ It was always ♪

"boujemot"?

♪ You ♪
[ laughs ]

[ gasps ]

♪

So, uh, when did
y'all move here?

Woke man: Two years ago.

We love this neighborhood.

[ chuckles ] I bet you do.

You guys should definitely take
a couple of these for the road.

Not "guys." "folks."

we don't want to give
them a gendered label.

Thank you for calling me in
instead of calling me out.

We also have some croissants
from le beau papillon.

They are delicious,
and they're local.

So, uh, black family
live here before you?

Yes! Oh, the sweetest old
couple. Oh, we love them.

Yeah, they were great.
Carol and frank. Mm-hmm.

We still send them
holiday cards.

Mm. Bet they just love that.

Yeah. We do every single holiday
on the calendar just to be safe.

Yeah. We don't want
to exclude anyone.

Mm.

♪

"hey, hammaconda,
check this out.

My vajeen is redolent
with bergamot."

[ giggles ]

hamilton: Mm-mm. Oh.

Send me the address.
I'll be there in 5.

So, we knocked down this wall

to create an open,
wabi-sabi sort of feel.

It's, uh... it's what
the space was asking for.

Yeah, and then you get all of this
great light from the living area

filtering into the sitting area.

You should not be here.

I'm sorry, what was that? I-I
said I like your armchair.

Armchairs? Arm hair.

L-looks well groomed.

Is your friend okay?
'cause she's...

She's been up there
for a-a while.

Oh, yeah, no. I-I live with
her. I wouldn't worry about it.

She's just, like, a
really slow pooper.

Oh, that's hard. I mean,
on top of everything else.

♪

Michael: What is taking
so long? Hurry up!

Phoebe: No!

Ugh, the signatures!

Damn it! Woke woman: Hello?
A-are you okay in there?

Oh, my god. What
are you doing?!

♪

You get this tile at home depot?

Get out of my house.

Thank you for your service.

Reparations, you
know what I mean?

Sometimes it's money.
Sometimes it's turkish cotton.

[ laughter ] okay,
I cannot believe

you just got in those
white people's tub.

I lost control.

You know aesop soap
is my gateway drug.

Not that you asked, but
mine is the chicken tenders

at newark airport. Ooh!

De-lish! With just
a sprink of cocaine.

Anyway, I would
have been in and out

if it wasn't for
hamilton's dumb a*s.

I can't leave a sext
unanswered. I have a moral code.

Hamilton?

Does jayden know?

'cause last time you went
on the sly with this dude,

you popped a nip
on instagram live.

Shh! What's past
is past, okay?

Let's focus up, go out there,

crush it, and get a bunch
of signatures. Alright?

Cool, cool, cool.

Jayden hill. Support
black people.

Michael: Hi, sir. How are you?

Just real quick...
No, thank you. No.

Girl, we might as well hang this
up and go get a drink. Boring.

- Hi! Jayden hill for...
- No.

[ doorbell rings ]

[ sighing, groaning ]

yes, can you sign?

- Give up.
- Michael!

I'm not throwing it.
I'm not gonna throw it.

I guarantee I got it.
I guarantee I got it.

Oh, my god!

♪ Baby, sometimes
you treat me good ♪

stop! Such a sweet,
romantic moment.

[ doorbell buzzing ] ♪
sometimes you treat me bad ♪

hi. Do you want positive change?
I'm sorry. I shouldn't lunge. No.

Hi. I'm dying. Not
right away. No, no.

♪ You treat me like a child ♪

[ door rattling
] phoebe: Hello?!

Malika: Ugh! What in
the hell is going on?

That's like 27 "no
answers" in a row.

Dude, if our luck
doesn't change soon,

we're gonna get no signatures.

I mean, jessie's already
mad at me about owlgate.

Dude, no one's home.
I already tried.

Michael: Hey.

[ phoebe groans ]

oh. Uh...

Phoebe has an idea.

Uh-oh. That's the
"phoebe has an idea" jig.

Mm-hmm. Get it, get it,
get. Get it, get it, get.

I'm so scared. Get it, get it,
get. Get it, get it, get, unh!

We've been here over an hour.

About to open presents.

I hope she likes the
metrocard we got her.

It's a monthly. Mm.

So, when can we
slide out of here?

[ screams, laughs ] whoa, hey!

This party is the s-word!

Come get in line for face paint.

I'm gonna get a butterfly.

You're gonna be a kitty cat.

And you're gonna be tinker bell!

What? Tinker bell? Come on.

Shouldn't I get, like,
black panther or something?

You so give tinker bell vibes.

Let me get this straight.
When you think of "daddy,"

you think of "tiny
blonde lady with wings"?

Okay, honey, mommy and daddy

are just gonna run out
and hit a few houses.

But we talked to leila's
mom, and you can stay here.

You said this was family
fun day. The whole point is,

we're supposed to have
fun together as a family.

Still fun. Still fun.
Just separate fun,

and we can talk about
what we did later.

That's cringe. Me as a
tiny blonde lady's cringe.

O-okay, you two.

So, we are gonna be
back before you know it.

Yeah. Yeah? Eat more candy!

Share with your friends! Yeah.

Love you, miss you, mean it.

Okay, bye! Okay, bye!

[ doorbell buzzing ]

♪♪

[ door opens ]

phoebe: Good afternoon!

Yeah. Is that my burrito?

Yes. But first, we're
gonna need a signature.

A signature? I thought this
was supposed to be contactless.

And I thought I was gonna be

michael b. Jordan's
baby mama by now.

Please sign.

Print clearly. Thank you!

Thank you so... goodbye.

Oh! Not the snatch. Go, go.

Let's go! Ooh, that
was easy-peasy!

50 sigs in half
an hour. I know.

Yes. This is going
so much faster.

Right? Oh, uh, hi.

So sorry to bother
you. I'm jayden hill.

I'm running for state rep.
Um, do you have a second?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Wow! Is that a new baby?

This is eleanor.
Beautiful name.

We actually have
a daughter, too.

Really? How old?

She's 8. 8, yeah.

Aisha. Mm, it goes by so fast.

That feels like yesterday.
People keep saying that.

Doesn't feel so fast when
I'm up six times a night,

but I'm trying to
enjoy every moment.

Oh, you gotta.

Take it from us. The
older your kid gets,

the harder it is to find
time to spend with them.

You want to. You
know you should,

but, you know, life
gets in the way...

Work, school... So you
start making up excuses.

Yeah, and before you know it,

they don't want a kiss on
the head at bedtime anymore.

They ask to leave the
dinner table early

so they can go up and
be alone in their room.

And you just have to
find designated time

just to have fun all together...

[ sobbing ]

♪

[ sniffles ] I'm
sorry. I'm sorry.

[ sobs ]

we have to go.

Thank you so much for your
time. Congratulations.

Don't you want me to
sign or something?

Signatures won't wipe
my a*s when I'm old.

Honey? Okay.

Let's go. Have a good day.

Don't be like us.

[ children chattering
indistinctly ]

♪♪

You're back! Hey.

♪

Okay. 200 signatures.

Okay, you know what? I got
to give it to you, girl.

This was a good idea.

You know what? This is what
they call a bounce back.

Now jessie and jayden

have nothing to hold over
my pretty little head.

I am so proud of us.
Celebration tater?

Stolen fries... One
of the many perks

of being an imposter
chompchomp driver.

Mm, mm, mm.

[ gasps ]

ooh!

One more job?

Nope. I've done enough.

You don't stank
anymore. I'm out.

Please?! Please,
please, please?!

Told myself I was gonna retire.

But you know what?
One more job.

♪

Oh, lord. Ain't nobody ask
for this method acting.

Get out of here, boy. Mm, bye.

[ doorbell rings
] food's here!

[ children cheering ]

hey, I got a delivery. Yummy!

Yeah, we'll just need
a signature for those.

Alright. Thanks!

Jayden: Phoebe?

What are... what are you doing?

Uh, helping you win?

♪♪

What the hell?
I cannot believe

I actually trusted you not
to do something sketchy.

So it was a little sketch, okay?

At least I've been
hustling. Look at you.

You were here chilling,
cosplaying as tinky b.

Okay, first of all, not my choice.
Wanted to be black panther.

You don't really give
off a black panther vibe.

What? Let it go.

Real talk, you should
be thanking me,

'cause, guess what, b*tch?

I got you hundreds of
signatures. Ba-bam!

Which may or may
not even be legal.

I-I don't even know
if these will hold up.

Oh, my god. A signature
is a signature!

This ain't watergate.
Nobody got hurt, dude.

There she is. Let's go.

I knew something was up

when I kept getting dinged
for abnormal customer service.

And I lost a star for
calling it "deliv-liv."

girl, we black. We in
this together. Mnh.

Delivery robot:
Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame.

Okay, a few people got
hurt. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame.

Well, there's always 2026.

You skipped 2024.

That's the year of the dragon.

Do you really think
he's got dragon energy?

Stop!

- Not the time.
- Yeah.

Turtle energy, maybe.
[ cellphone ringing ]

please stop. Hello?

Yeah? Like a cartoon
turtle... has glasses

and, like, says things
like, "return your books."

we... we get it.

Okay. Thanks for telling me.

Yeah. Ha-have a great night.

Okay, spill the
beans. What is it?

We made the ballot!
[ all cheering ]

- yeah! Come on!
- I knew it!

Come on! Thank god
for our volunteers!

Oh! You are welcome.
It is my pleasure.

How many signatures did I get?

We got 1,232.

Uh, we just eked it out,

no thanks to anybody
at this table.

I know. I mean, we all
really blew it, right?

Just classic brother-sister
screw-up combo.

Uh, I put my daughter's
happiness before my career,

and you pissed off a robot.
Um, those robots are programmed

to have an attitude
with black women.

Read about it. It's in
critical race theer-theer.

Look it up. Crt...

Crt. 3po.

3po, yes. Yeah, got it.

What smells like bergamot?

[ gasps ] that's
how you say it.

"bergomit." hmm.

So, yeah, it all
worked out in the end.

Jayden's on the ballot. Vote
jayden hill, by the way.

Okay, y'all, that's
malika jones.

I'm phoebe hill, and
everything's trash.

We'll be back next week
with a fresh-a*s epi.

Girl, what about the ad?

Legal just sent
this over. Come on.

Right. Ew!

Okay, you guys. Uh, yeah.

We have a new
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It's food delivered fast, fresh,
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Total contactless delivery.

You do not have to sign
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In an unusual arrangement,

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But, on the plus side,
I won't get sued.

So order chompchomp, okay?

[ laughs ]

girl, is that from the
bougie bakery you hate?

Shh!

What's past is past.

Unh-unh. Look at you getting
flakes all over your boobies.

I'mma eat those, too. Girl,
you looking like a mess.

You looking like a white
girl on day 3 of coachella.

What you doing? You want some?

Yeah. [ both laugh ]

okay, seriously, that
was our last bone-bone.

It was a good one,
though, right?

Like "remember me on a
ship when you're 100" good?

Okay, paint my erotic
portrait, then we'll talk.

[ chuckles ]

mm...

[ gasps ] aah! Geez!

[ whimpers ]

why did you shove me?

[ hip-hop remix of "my
heart will go on" playing ]

♪

I really can't do this.

What? I'm sorry.

Phoebe...

♪♪