01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

In the hellscape
that is high school,

I am going to reveal the truth

about all of you
miserable assholes,

just like I did last year,

when I leaked some photos

that got half
the basketball team expelled.

- You liar!

- Helped a lot of couples
see each other

for who they really are.

And of course, I kept you
up to date with the who's who

of addicts, anorexics
and alcoholics.

Privacy is a thing of the past.

I know everything
that went down this summer.

And on Friday night,
I'll take down

four of Bayview's
biggest offenders.

- ♪ Staring at the stars ♪

♪ My face on every screen ♪

- And I know Friday
is a long way away,

so here's a preview
to get you through the week.

- Oh, perfect timing.

Hope you're hungry.
- Not really.

I'll just have some coffee.

- Sure, so you can crash
by third period?

It's not like this semester
determines whether or not

you get into Yale.

- You need to feed your brain.
Eat.

- Mmm, I can feel my SAT scores
going up already.

- Did you see that as*h*le's
already posting?

- Hola, Papa.
- Buenos días, mi'jitas.

- First up,
I have a bad report card

on a straight-A student
making her About That debut.

She might be top of her class,
but that doesn't mean

I can't get her
thrown out on her a*s.

- Ew, can you guys not?
We're eating.

- Well, if not for this,
you wouldn't exist.

- Gross.

Who do you think it's about?

- I have no idea.

- ♪ Everybody
wants to be famous ♪

- ♪ I don't doubt myself
when I get in my head ♪

♪ When I get in my head
when I get in my ♪

♪ I'm just feeling myself
no I don't get stressed ♪

♪ No, I don't get stressed
no I don't get ♪

♪ I don't doubt myself
when I get in my head ♪

♪ When I get in my head
when I get in my ♪

♪ I'm just feeling myself ♪

- Now, I know
you school spirit sheep

can't wait to cheer on
the Wildcats this year.

But trust me,

I'll be the real winner
when I reveal one MVP's

sweaty locker room secret.

- Hey, how'd it go?

- Good, just four miles.

Kept the pace light.
- Good.

Take it easy at practice, okay?

Gotta save that arm
for the showcase.

- Dad, come on.

I know how to prep for a game.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh, oh, you think that's
because you've had

your old man training you
your whole life?

- What's up?
- I mean,

it might have a little
something to do with it.

- All right, good.

- Listen.
Just remember,

next Friday
isn't just a game, okay?

It's major league scouts.
- Major league scouts.

- The reason we moved
cross-country.

All right?
Don't forget that.

Cooper.

- Yeah, Dad.

I got it.

- ♪ When I get in my head
when I get in my ♪

♪ I'm just feeling myself
no I don't get stressed ♪

♪ No I don't get stressed
no I don't get ♪

- ♪ Jacket on ♪

♪ I took it from your closet ♪

♪ I'm hooked on, I'm hooked on ♪

♪ The sun feels good
on my body ♪

♪ Mm, taut and blue,
got your jacket on ♪

♪ I took it from your closet ♪

♪ I'm hooked on, I'm hooked on ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ I'm hooked on you ♪

♪ Hooked on you,
wat you gonna do ♪

♪ I'ma make a move
it's just us two ♪

- I know you all like
a good love story,

but I prefer a bad one.

So I can't wait to tell you

which of Bayview's
varsity skank squad

isn't as wrapped around
her boyfriend's finger

as much as you might've thought.

Turns out, she's been wrapped
around another guy's...

well, you know.

- Addy.

Jake's here.

- Is that what you're wearing?

- What's wrong with it?

- You just gotta work
with what you got, babe.

Wouldn't want Jake's eyes
wandering, do you?

- Hey, Miss P.

- How many times do I have
to tell you to call me Ann?

- ♪ I'm hooked on you ♪

♪ Hooked on you,
what you gonna do? ♪

♪ I'ma make a move
it's just us two ♪

- Damn, Ads.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Come here.

- We're gonna be late.
- Mm.

- We'll be quick.

Come on, Addy.

I didn't know
we were carpooling.

- Oh, yeah, sorry.

TJ crashed his Jeep again.

- You guys, let's go.
We're gonna be late.

Girl, I hope he at least
made you come.

- God, you are such a perv.

I was just finishing my makeup.

- Let's see.

Mm-hmm, I love a natural glow.

- I don't get it.
- It means they just had sex.

- My final story on Friday

will be about
one of my regulars:

Bayview's most eligible felon.

I know, even I've gotten bored

of writing about how everyone
wants to f*ck a bad boy.

But believe me,

I've got so much fresh dirt,

his probation officer's
gonna f*ck' bury him in it.

- ♪ Damaged goods ♪

♪ Send 'em back ♪

- Hey, babe.

Who the f*ck are you?
- Oh, my God.

- Study buddy.

♪ Your kiss so sweet ♪

- Babe, wait.
Seriously, I can explain.

- ♪ Your sweat so sour ♪

- Just wait!

- ♪ Sometimes I'm thinking
that I love you ♪

♪ But I know it's only lust ♪

♪ The change will do you good ♪

- I know that
coming back to school sucks,

but I'm here to promise
that it will not be boring.

- May I have
your attention please?

Will John Staddon

please report
to the principal's office?

- This place is such a cliché.

It's like everyone's here
to audition

for the reboot
of a John Hughes movie.

- Except none of them even know
who John Hughes is.

- That's the most tragic part.

They don't recognize
the historic forces

that have conspired to make them

exactly who they are.

- You guys had better be
coming to my party on Friday.

It's gonna be sick.

- I'll be there.
- You will.

- I got you.
- And you?

- ♪ Everybody now
is doing their thing ♪

- Oh, damn!
- Nice.

- ♪ Everything is now
so do it if you can ♪

- How is it only fifth period,

and I'm already
completely stressed?

- Because we're taking
all AP classes.

- Uh, excuse me.

- What?
- I'll have a grape of yours.

- You can have a grape.

- What the f*ck, Nate?
- What?

- You totally left me
on read this morning.

- Oh, yeah.
I had a, um,

situation this morning.

- ♪ Don't matter
what race creed or color ♪

♪ Get on to telling
of one another ♪

♪ All you sisters
and all you brothers ♪

- Are you seriously
posting from campus?

It's like you want Gupta
to shut you down.

- I'm not worried.

Principal Gupta would rather die

than censor anyone's
unique form of self-expression.

She might have become
a fascist over the summer.

We don't know.
A lot can happen in two months.

- Well, even if she did...

Which she did not...

She can't prove it's me.

According to my VPN,
I just posted from Tokyo.

It's your lucky day.

I know you said you'd
have to wait until Friday,

But looking at all of you

and your boring,
predictable little cliques,

talking about the same
predictable bullshit,

makes me realize that
it is my moral duty

to do something to make
this day more interesting.

So here's a little taste
to hold you over

until the end of the week.

By now, most of you have
probably noticed the new girl,

FJ, making friends
with the theater nerds.

She may look harmless,

but don't be fooled
by her innocent smile.

Turns out, she's only here

because she got kicked out
of her last school

for stabbing her
English teacher in the back...

Literally.

Good thing her daddy's rich,

or she'd be eating lunch
behind bars right now.

- Wait, guys,
did something just happen?

- I promised this year
wouldn't be boring.

And I never break a promise.

- Welcome to AP Physics.

If you're looking for Phys Ed,
that's in the gym,

and I recommend you leave now.

Physics tells us
that the universe

is governed by immutable laws...

Kind of like my classroom.

If you break my laws,

you'll find out that
for every boneheaded action,

there is an equal
and opposite reaction.

- Bronwyn,

how good of you to help me
demonstrate this concept.

Is this yours?

- Uh, yes, but my phone's
in my locker.

Open it.

This... this isn't my phone.

- Your action was to bring
a cell phone into class.

And my equal
and opposite reaction

is to give you detention.

- What?

That's not fair because
that's not my phone.

- It is fair.

And it's final.

You can have your phone back
after detention.

Okay, people,
let's open our books now.

Page 18.

- Hey.

You ready to school me
in debate?

- So ready.

I just have to make
a quick stop first.

- Okay, cool.
- In detention.

Bronwyn Rojas.

Detention
on the first day of school?

- It's a total misunderstanding.

Can you tell Ms. Fox
I'll be late?

- Sure.

Uh, I'm gonna stop by
the cafeteria.

Lemon Snapple?

- You're the best.

- Bronwyn.

I'm flattered.
I, uh...

I didn't know you were a fan.

- I'm not.
That was a hate read.

- Oh, that's a shame.

Out of everyone,
I thought you would get it.

- Get what?

- That I'm doing
a public service.

You don't think girls
deserve to know

that Reggie has a camera
hidden above his bed?

- Oh, so it's a feminist app?

You're like a teenage
Ronan Farrow?

- Oh, so you do get it.

- Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have somewhere to be.

- Huh, small world.

Me too.

- Congratulations.

You're the only five students
in this entire school

who could still get detention
every day this year.

In my experience,

the students who get detention

on the first day of school
end up here a lot.

So we might as well
get to know each other.

I want you to write an essay
introducing yourselves

and reflecting
on what you did to get here.

There will be no talking,
no passing notes,

and no more doodling.

- Ms. Avery,

I know you didn't
believe me in class,

but that phone you found
wasn't mine,

so I technically
don't belong here.

- Oh, no, Bronwyn would never
intentionally break the rules.

- No, I wouldn't.

And I didn't.

See? My phone's right here.

- Did you seriously bring
another phone into detention?

Hand it over.
- I'm sorry, but

doesn't the fact that you're
confiscating my phone twice

seem weird to you?

I mean, why would anyone
have two phones?

- Well, I can think of
a few reasons.

What about you, Nathan?

- What's your problem, man?

- With you?

Oh, I think you know.
- Enough.

Papers and pens out.

- If I'm gonna
stay here unfairly,

could I at least
use my computer?

I try to avoid paper
for environmental reasons.

- Oh, well,
I try to avoid devices

that connect to the Internet

for "making sure that you
actually do your work" reasons.

- But I, uh...
- Oh, another word,

and you'll have detention