Cannibals and Carpet Fitters (2016)

[bunniefuu]

Okay, we are

officially on the road!

Whoo!

Jack, is this recording?

Well, check if

the red light's on.

Can't see.

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

We are on our way.

Smile at the camera.

No, not when I'm not driving.

You're such a miserable sod.

We're going on a camping trip.

Be happy!

Yay! Five-and-a-half hours

in a car!

The red letter day

nobody wants!

Aw, look,

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all the tents.

Yeah, tents, great.

So here we are.

Everyone's having a lovely time

in their tents.

And this is us.

Yep.

It's literally been

several hours now,

and Jack still hasn't

put up the tent.

Except it hasn't been

several hours, has it?

And as you can see,

we've gone for the...

less-is-more approach

with the tent.

You don't like it, you can go

bunk up with Weirdy-Beardy.

It's fine, darling.

Here's to our romantic

camping weekend!

- Okay.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Ayes ayes ayes.

- Ayes ayes ayes.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Jack, it's what it's all about.


It's beautiful.

You must like this.

We're on private land.

We're probably gonna get shot.

Jack!

- Can't bring your phone with!

- All right, all right!

Jeez!

Two minutes!

Oh! Something


met its end here!

Gill! Gill, come on down

and come and see this!

I'm really sad.

- No!

- No, that's horrible.

You gotta come and see it!

The poor baby had a mom


and a dad and friends.

He probably does.

I'm hungry.

Let's go get some food.

And here she comes, finally!

Jack, give me the camera back.

No! Come on, just catch up!

Jack, don't film me

when I'm tired.

I look awful.

You're the one who wanted

to see the countryside!

Look at it!

Isn't it beautiful?

Don't start.

Babe, can you remember

which way we came?

I think someone's got us lost.

No. This way.

- Mm-hmm.

- Come on.

Okay.

Jack, it's bloody dark now,

and you've gotten us lost,

and I'm freezing.

Give me the camera.

There's a light on it.

Here, get the lantern

from my bag.

Shh, shh, shh!

Oh, my God, what?

You hear that?

Yeah, what is that?

Don't know.

Come on, let's move.

Jack, slow down!

Come on, then.

There's something behind us!

What was it?

Oh, my God, it's still there.

Jack, it's still there!

Come on!

Gillian.

Gilly.

You just left me, you prick!

Shh, shh, shh!

Oh, sh*t. Jack!

Oh, my God!

Jack!

Oh, my God!

Please, let me in!

Help me, help me!

Oh, are you all right there,

my dear?

Oh, what's going on?

You can't just barge

into my house like this.

I'm so sorry, but there's

something out there.

I think it's just

k*lled my boyfriend!

Please, I need

to call the police!

Calm down, dear,

no need to worry.

You're safe now.

No, you don't understand.

I need to call the police!

It just...

It just grabbed him

like he was a piece of meat!

What grabbed him?

I don't know!

It was huge!

Oh, my God, Jack!

Oh, oh, you poor thing!

You're shaking!

Come on, let's get you

in the kitchen,

sit you down and get you

a nice cup of tea.

No, I just need to call

the police, please!

That's all right, dear.

The phone's in the kitchen.

Come this way.

This way, my dear.

Take a seat with my boys.

Just popping the kettle on.

We don't often get visitors,

do we, boys?

Don't worry.

They won't bite you.

Do you take sugar?

Um, just milk.

Wait, did you say you had

a phone that I could use?

Oh, yes, sorry, dear.

There's me being mother.

Two seconds, my lovely.

I'll be right back.

Phone, phone,

now where did I put it?

So, um, how long have

you guys lived here...

Oh!

Grub's up, boys!

Charlie!

Dinner time!

That's my boy.

♪ Carpets make your day ♪

♪ We're dashing

through the lake ♪

You f*cking prick!

Dad!

- What is it?

- Phone for ya.

Already?

Only just opened.

Who is it?

I don't know.

- Who is it?

- Hey! Give it here.

Go and make us a cuppa.

Hello?

Oh, hello there, Mrs. Hanning.

Yes, I've got my best team

heading out to you.

Do not worry.

They're literally

loading up now, okay?

Lovely. If you have

any problems,

just give me a call, okay?

Thanks. Bye!

Morning, all.

Chris.

Ah, Christopher.

It seems your alarm clock

is 10 minutes out of sync again.

You really need

to look into that.

All right.

I had a... late night.

Ugh. Too much information.

I can't hear

that kettle boiling, Jade.

Oh, yeah, make us a brew.

Gosh, as if I'm not

busy enough!

- Tash in?

- She's out back loading up.

Yes, and can you go

and help her, please?

It's a big job today.

All right, Nige.

God, I ain't even had a tea yet.

Remember to make up

for those 10 minutes

during your lunch as well.

Yeah, whatever.

Tash!

Heads up!

Come on, watch the hair!

You vain sod.

Anyway, you're late, as always.

I had a bit of late one.

You know what I'm like

when I hit the sambucus.

Stop, stop.

I don't care.

Just get that on the van.

All right, chill out.

What's the job?

Some old country house

apparently,

in the middle of nowhere.

A big country house.

And here's your paperwork.

Have you got enough

gripper on the van?

Yes.

And underlay?

Yes, Nige.

Okay, just checking.

It's a good job for us,

this one.

Behave yourself, please.

Hold on, a full house?

Just you and me?

That's bullshit.

Don't worry. Your best mates

Dean and Colin will be there.

Great.

I think I prefer

just us doing it.

Where are they now, then?

Don't do it.

Colin, don't do it.

What?

You gonna hit a pipe.

I'm not gonna hit a pipe.

I am telling you now

you're gonna go hit a pipe.

I'm not going to hit

a bloody pipe.

How long do you think

I've been doing this job?

All right. Go on, then.

Oh, you didn't lay

the wrong way around.

Oh, for God's sake,

will you shut up?

I don't see you

down here doing it.

And how am I supposed to

fit down there with you?

And what's that

supposed to mean?

See? Told ya.

She ain't happy.

Listen, Nige, it's fine.

She's all right with it.

And we told her

these things happen.

What? Well, of course I rang

the plumber, yeah, yeah.

Hey, hold on a minute.

Well, Malcolm has

just turned up now.

Yeah. I know, big house,

big job, big money, I get it.

Don't panic, all right?

We'll start loading up the van,

and we'll head out there.

All right, okay.

Okay, okeydokey.

Cheese. Bye, Nige.

Bye. Bye.

He never bloody stops him.

- Morning, fellas.

- Malcolm.

Oh, finally showed up now

we've finished the job.

Where's your car?

Oh, yeah, sorry, man.

I sorta lost it.

- You lost your car?

- Didn't mean to.

I had a late night one,

you know?

Hey, I got home okay,

though, didn't I?

How did you lose it?

I shouldn't even ask.

Can't remember.

Oh, well, these things turn up.

They always do.

You see, they don't,

though, Malcolm.

Your car keys maybe,

but a little Fiat Punto

ain't gonna turn up

on your windowsill, is it?

Oh, well, luckily,

I left the keys in the car,

so at least I'll get them back

at the same time.

Don't worry. He's just in a mood

'cause he's weed himself.

Oh, right, yeah, cool.

Overactive bladder syndrome.

That is common when you

get to, like, your 50s.

- My nan had it.

- Shut it, Malcolm.

I'm not even 50.

Lob your bike in the van

and get in.

- Where we going now, then?

- Gonna go meet Tash.

Your favorite, hey?

Whoa, what you doing?

You in the back as well, mate.

Isn't that ill*gal,

me in the back?

Not if you keep your head down.

Why can't I sit up there

with you two?

Malcolm, apprentices

have to sit in the back.

We've been through this.

It's a rite of passage.

All right, then.

You say we're

meeting Tash, yeah?

Wow. Can really smell the sh*t

in the air around here.

Aw, Craig's a player, man.

Top lad.

Some funny sh*t!

What are you doing?

Craig sent me some pics

from last night. Look.

Don't you think my arms

look big in that shirt?

Is that Malcolm

in the background?

Is it?

Don't remember seeing him out.

Look, forget your phone.

Can you help me fix the satnav?

Chill out!

Look, it's broken anyway.

I told you that last time.

What you reckon,

new profile pic?

Just forget your phone.

Just find directions.

I'll just ring Nige

and ask him.

This one here?

Oh, so lovely, so soft.

Feel your feet on that.

Phone, Jade!

Don't be shy.

Take your shoes off.

Cupid Carpets.

Jade speaking.

Dad! Phone!

Perfect color for

this time of year as well.

Who is it?

Who is it?

It's Chris!

Excuse me one second.

Don't let them leave.

Yes, hello?

The postcode is

on the paperwork.

What?

Well, use a satnav.

Who broke it?

Sorry, mate.

You guys not been

to this place before, no?

No, Malcolm, otherwise

I wouldn't be working out

Nigel's useless directions,

would I?

When did you start

smoking, then?

Me? Oh, few years now.

- Want one?

- No, thanks.

I don't think you're gonna

impress Tasha with all that.

You know, she's a health freak.

Really?

Don't even know why I started,

to be honest.

Only started last week.

I think it's just a case of...

You're rambling again.

Aw, I just dripped egg

all over the roadmap.

You're an animal.

Haven't you chaps ever thought

about using one of those

satellite navigation thingies?

- I don't trust them.

- Why?

I just don't.

Tell him why.

Because they're

not always right.

Or because some people follow

every instruction blindly,

even if it means

driving into a fence.

Well, it said turn right,

didn't it?

How many times did I say

you're going the wrong way, Col?

Oh, look, there's a fence, Col.

We're going to crash, Colin.

- Is that true?

- He's lying again.

Oh, I'm lying, am I?

Let's go and ask the poor family

having their kid's birthday

party in the garden, shall we?

Ask them if I'm lying.

Oh, he's over-exaggerating

it a bit.

Anyway, shouldn't we be

getting a move on, fellas?

Malcolm, you know the score.

The quicker we get there,

the more work

we're gonna have to do.

Chill out, they'll be fine.

When he said "big,"

I didn't think this kind of big.

Well done, Nige.

Can see why he wanted

all of us here.

f*cking great.

Enjoy the pie, boys.

All I'm saying is

I just either prefer

working on my own or with you

'cause the others do my head in.

Hello.

- Hi. Mrs. Hanning, is it?

- Yes.

- We're from Cupid Carpets.

- Oh, the carpet people!

Do come in, do come in.

Thank you.

Ooh, you're a strong man,

aren't you?

The job keeps me fit.

I bet it does.

I bet it does.

Just follow me.

Do you want me

to show you around or...

You show us

where the living room is,

we can set up in there,

if you like.

Okay, my dears,

this way, then.

It's nice and quiet

around here, isn't it?

Yes. Just the way

I like it.

This is the living room.

It should be

no problem at all.

We don't use it much anymore.

We've got so many other rooms.

Jeez, look at this fella.

Could be from that film.

What's it called?

That's an old relative

of mine, my dear.

Quite a family heirloom, that.

We managed to move

most of the furniture for you.

On your own?

My boys helped me.

We got rid of all

the old carpets as well.

I know that can be a pain.

Yeah, you wouldn't

believe what your carpets

will pick up over the years.

No, I can imagine.

Can I get you a cup of tea

or anything?

Oh, yeah, tea would be great,

thanks. No sugar.

One tea, no sugar.

And you, my dear?

Oh, no, I'm fine, thank you.

All right, well, give me a shout

if you change your mind.

- Seriously?

- What?

Well, no wonder she lives

all the way out here

'cause her family's well ugly.

You need to watch your mouth.

I speak to the customers,

not you, simple.

Okay, okay, calm down.

Just making conversation.

Bet this place is haunted

or something.

If you believe in that crap.

You could make a proper good

horror film here, though.

They were just some

ordinary carpet fitters.

She was a sweet old lady

that lived in some crap hole

in the middle of nowhere.

Are you actually gonna

do some work today?

Why don't you get that stuff

off the van?

- Well, what you gonna do?

- Prep upstairs.

Well, the others better hurry up

'cause I ain't doing all this

on my own.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ No, you're outta the frame ♪

♪ No, you're

outta the frame ♪

♪ No, you're outta the frame ♪

♪ No, you're

outta the frame ♪

♪ No, you're outta the frame ♪

What are you doing, man?

You're doing my head in,

giving me a headache.

- I was getting into it.

- Yeah, I noticed.

Don't give up the day job

whatever you do.

Oh, sorry, Col!

What's wrong with you today?

Nothing. What do you mean?

You're a miserable b*stard,

that's what I mean.

She's leaving me, Dean.

Who is?

Carol, my wife!

Jesus, you've met her

at every Christmas doo

for the last five years!

Yeah, I know who Carol is.

Do you wanna talk about it?

No, not really.

All right.

Well, actually,

if you must know,

she says I've become boring

and predictable,

and I'm just not

spontaneous anymore.

I mean, me,

not spontaneous?

I get fish and chips for dinner

every Friday night,

ungrateful b*tch!

You let it out, mate.

Better if we pull over, eh?

I mean, how am I suppose

to fit it all in?

I'm trying to pay for

the patio she's always wanted.

That's why I work

the extra overtime.

No, I'm not silly,

I know I might have

put on a few pounds

since the '80s,

but we've all changed

since then.

I mean, she ain't exactly

Bonnie f*cking Tyler.

- You know what I mean?

- Sure, mate.

I mean, I try and do

the right thing, settle down,

get a secure job,

get married, have kids,

and this is what I get for it.

It's a joke, Dean,

it's a joke.

I'm a joke!

Right, listen to me now.

You are not a joke,

so pull yourself together.

You are Colin the carpet fitter,

and the best carpet fitter

I know.

And carpet fitters don't cry,

do they?

Hey?

No. So who are ya?

Colin the carpet fitter.

That's right, and what don't

carpet fitters do?

Carpet fitters don't cry.

Exactly, and what are we

gonna do now?

Go fit some carpet.

Good. Come on, then.

- Sorry about that, mate.

- It's all right, mate.

You know where

you're going, yeah?

I think so, I think so.

Just a case of staying positive.

No, I mean, you know

where you're driving to?

Here you are, my lovely.

Ah, thanks, love.

Cheers.

♪ I want to take you out

to dinner ♪

♪ My darling ♪

What is this sh*t?

♪ For when we die ♪

♪ Wade through the line ♪

♪ The pending high ♪

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Tash!

I'm ready to fit

down here now!

Shall we get the carpets

off the van?!

Tash?!

f*cking deaf, man!

Weird.

Hello!

I can't seem to open

this door!

Hello!

Old lady!

Anyone!

Hey, little fella.

Hey, look,

take it easy, mate.

Look, I don't know

what you want, but...

Chris?

My f*cking nose.

Sorry, Tash.

f*ck!

f*ck!

Boys! Boys!

Stop it now!

Now let's get this stuff

cleaned up!

William.

What have you done to my boy?

Don't come any closer.

I mean it!

Charlie!

Dinner time!

Boys! Come and help me

clean this mess up!

Hello?

Nice work, boys.

Let's get this grub sold,

and then I'm gonna treat us all

to a lovely lunch.

Tell you what.

I'm glad I'm here.

I'm dying for a leak.

Oh, lovely.

Grab the tools, then.

Come on, then.

- What was he crying about?

- Oh, mate, leave it.

- Hello!

- We at the right house?

Oh, I hope so 'cause there's

nothing else around here.

- But where's the van?

- What van?

The other work van.

Chris and Tash are supposed

to be here already.

Maybe they parked in the back,

skiving or something.

Someone better be in.

I'm gagging for a piss now.

Look, that's our underlay

in there.

Where?

Well, where they gone, then?

Chris!

Tasha!

Come on, let's have a nose

around the back.

Malcolm, you stay there.

Beep the horn if anyone comes.

Whoa.

I tell you what, mate,

I wouldn't mind a place

like this when I'm older.

Yeah, Carol always wanted me

to move out to the sticks.

Hey, Col, it's opened, mate.

Hello!

It's the carpet fitters!

Anyone home?

Well, I don't know.

Right, I'm going for a piss.

No, you're bloody not!

Dean! Dean!

Mate, I can't hold it.

Two minutes.

That's not very professional!

Oh, finally.

What's the matter with you?

Fingers.

What?

There were some fingers

in the toilet.

What you talking about?

I just saw two human fingers

floating about willy-nilly.

Not a turd or anything normal.

Fingers.

Your eyes are

playing tricks on ya.

You need to get

some glasses, mate.

What you eating?

Little slice of this pie.

Chicken, I think.

Spit it out.

You just used the toilet

without asking.

Hardly think

they're gonna notice

a little sliver of pie

missing.

There's a nipple in the pie.

A what?

There is a human nipple

in the pie.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, sure, Nige.

Yeah, sure.

Landing, stairs, hallway.

Yeah, no worries, mate, yeah.

Well, I can fit that

for you on...

on Tuesday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No way.

Bloody hell, Col,

there's toes in this as well!

Get me a bloody towel.

Do you reckon you just eat

a bit of Chris or something?

Hello?

Is someone there?

Malcolm?

Tasha, what the bloody hell

you doing down there?

No time. Help me get

these doors open now.

This is a wind-up, innit?

What was that?

Just get me the f*ck

out of here.

All right, all right.

Lads! Lads!

Oh, it won't open!

- Just do something, quick!

- All right!

I've got an idea!

I knew that meat was funny.

Now do you believe me about

the fingers in the toilet?

What you think is going on?

I don't even want to say it.

Malcolm!

- What are you doing?

- Please hurry up!

- Is that someone down there?

- Oh, my God!

This is like

that Pretzel bloke!

It's Fritzl, you idiot.

It's Tasha!

Get me the f*ck out of here.

Give me that!

Come on!

Oh, sh*t.

Get these f*cking doors

open now!

- Are you all right?

- Tasha!

What is going on?!

- And what the f*ck was that?

- Let's go!

Yeah!

- Malcolm!

- Oh, sh*t. Sorry!

Go, go!

- Oh, bollocks!

- What now?

You left my toolbox

in the kitchen.

Is that really important?

Well, they're my own tools.

Expensive.

Carol bought me most of them.

Oh, fair enough, then, mate.

Wanna nip in and get them?

We'll just wait out here and

see if we get k*lled or not!

Jesus. I'm gonna buy you

a new f*cking toolbox.

Can we just get out of here?

Tasha!

Dean, we're in trouble, mate!

What you want to do?

Uh, hide!

They've already seen you,

you wolly!

Come on!

Guys?

Is everything all right?

What is going on?

Malcolm, stay in there.

He ain't see ya.

- What are we gonna do?

- We can make a run for it.

Ready?

Get back, get back!

Get back!

- What's going on?

- sh*t, and all of them.

Oh, God, now what we gonna do?

The house.

Back in there?

Well, what are you

waiting for?

- Now what?

- Weapons.

- Weapons?

- Have that.

I'm not working now, mate.

Use it to defend yourself with!

We're supposed to

fight them off with these?

I don't think we've

got much choice, mate.

There's one outside!

Move.

We know

you're in there, gentlemen.

What do you want from us?

I would've thought

that was obvious by now.

She still want her

carpets fitted?

We're intending to have you

for dinner.

Move!

- Dean, in here.

- sh*t.

What are we doing?

Hide.

- And I suggest you do the same!

- Brilliant.

Get off me,

you f*cking as*h*le!

Whenever you're ready, Col!

Get back!

Get back! Get back!

Come on!

All right, that's it.

We're well f*cked.

This has got to be

the worst job we've been on.

Get your phone out, ring Nigel,

let him know what's going on.

Good idea,

but it's at home on charge.

- What?

- It was dead before I left.

- Where's yours?

- Well, I left it in the van.

Oh, great.

Good night, carpet fitters.

- We are dead.

- Just calm down, all right?

We'll just stay here,

and we'll wait it out.

Hey, Col, look at this stuff.

Bet it's worth a fortune.

Where do they get it all from?

I don't know. Let's wait until

they come down and ask them.

- As I suspected.

- What's that?

These carpets.

Nigel was knocking them out

dirt cheap in the shop.

Really? How interesting.

That old bird's been

in the shop, you know?

I bet this one's

worth a few pounds.

Col?

You all right?

Not really, mate.

I just fell through the floor!

Hang on. I'll see if I can

find something to get you out.

Let's find

the little b*stards!

sh*t. They're coming.

Well, go on, save yourself.

I'm done for.

I ain't leaving ya.

Get to the van.

My phone's in there.

Okay, okay.

I'll be back, mate, I promise.

Just go!

Somebody's been playing

with my toys.

Come on down.

I'd like to see you

make a pie out of me!

Silly fool.

I'm not going to eat you,

but he might.

Who?

You'll find out.

Oi, come back,

you silly cow!

Oi!

sh*t.

Col?

Dean?

Listen, guys, don't be mad.

I know you told me

to stay in the van,

but it was dark,

and it was hot, and it was...

Tasha!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, mate, calm down.

I get it.

You're pissed off

'cause the whole

staple in the foot thing.

sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Don't look at me.

You shot him.

You f*cking little b*stard!

Right! Before we get

any more unwanted attention,

dispose of your

brother's body, please!

Is she still in there?

Get her in

for tomorrow's supper,

and please get rid

of that bloody van!

If I have to see that f*cking

stupid logo one more time,

I'll have all your ba*ls

for breakfast!

Oi! Go hide

your brother's body first,

then I'll let you have a bite.

Go on!

Get out and get on with it!

Come on to my land,

into my house,

and think that you can

k*ll my boys?

You gob shites don't know

who you're messing with.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

What now?

You all right, mate?

She trap you down here

as well?

Somebody get me the f*ck

out of here.

What the hell is

going on in here?

I take it

you've let him get away.

This is ridiculous!

Well? You gonna go and find

the little ginger b*stard

or hang around me

like a wet dog all day, hey?

Or do I have to do

everything myself?

No, no, no, no, no.

Have you got through

to anyone yet?

Nope.

Have you even tried?

Uh, yes, I've tried

both Tash and Chris,

thank you very much.

No answer.

Right.

Give us the phone.

I'll give Colin a try.

Hello.

Colin?

Ah...

Hello?

Why doesn't anyone

answer their bloody phone?

What happened?

I'm not sure.

Oh, I hope it's not

another plumber call out.

Keep trying them, hey?

Yes. Yes!

Yes! Lads! Lads!

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t!

So you can't find

the little shite anywhere?

If he's got out, we're ruined,

do you know that?

When it gets dark, we'll send

Charlie out after him.

Until then,

start packing your stuff.

When Harry gets back,

we'll take a little holiday,

I think.

Yes.

Come on.

Yes.

f*ck!

Okay.

Emergency. Which service?

Police, ambulance. Anything with

flashing lights, yeah?

Sir, I need you to tell me

which service you require.

Fire, ambulance, or police.

I need police, but probably

an ambulance as well.

Connecting

to multiple services.

- Thank God.

- What is your location?

I don't know, I'm in the middle

of f*cking nowhere, mate!

Did you say Norfolk?

No, I don't know where I am.

What is the nature

of your call, sir?

I don't know. It's been

one of those days, you know?

Please calm down, sir,

and explain the best you can.

Okay, right, where to start?

Um, well, I found

some fingers in a toilet,

my friend ate a pie

that had a nipple in it,

then the cannibals

tried to get us,

one of them shot a spear

through my friend's cheek,

and my other mate, he fell

through the trap door thingy,

and he's still

trapped down there.

Is there an adult with you?

I'm an adult.

Hello?

Oh.

Stay back!

I did warn ya!

Please.

I'm done.

Hello. Cupid Carpets.

Jade speaking.

- Jade, thank God! It's Dean!

- You all right?

Yeah, is your dad there?

I ain't got long.

It's been proper boring

here today, you know?

Jade, can you just

get Nigel, please?

All right, touchy!

You haven't messed

another job up, have ya?

'Cause he'll be well pissed.

Here he is now. Dad!

Dean on the phone.

Hello, Dean.

Please tell me

it's all going okay.

Nige, it ain't gone

quite to plan.

What do you mean?

What have you broke this time?

I swear, Dean, if you and Colin

have botched this one up,

you better start looking

for somewhere else to work.

No, listen, we are in

serious trouble here, yeah?

Listen, Nige,

this is gonna die on me.

You got to get help.

Get help to the house, yeah?

Hello?

Oh, come on!

He heard me. He must've.

What was all that about?

Not sure.

Reception's terrible.

I'm gonna head over there.

I can't afford this, Jade.

Bloody cowboys,

the lot of them.

Have they messed up?

Are you sacking them?

I'm not going

to sack anyone yet.

Depends what's happened.

I trust I can leave you

to lock up?

- Yeah, fine.

- All right, well, I'll go over

and see if I can fix whatever

mess they've made, then.

You get Natasha on the mobile,

see what's going on

and let me know, okay?

Yeah, yeah, no worries.

Right, I'll see you later.

Tell your mother

I'm probably going

to be working late.

Guess what, man.

I finished early, yeah.

What you doing?

Malcolm, get the f*ck

in the van!

I think you've just

k*lled someone!

I know. Don't worry.

He was a cannibal.

Oh, I kind of feel

less guilty now.

- Well, get in!

- Okay.

What the hell

were you doing out here?

Long story.

See what they did to Tash?

- I know, mate, I know.

- Have you called anyone?

I got hold of Nigel,

and I think he's on his way out.

What a nightmare!

How many are there

of these cannibals?

- Malcolm, you're a genius.

- Huh?

There was three

and the old bag.

Now that one's roadkill,

the fat one

fell out the window.

That's who that was.

Which means it's just

the big bald fella left.

We can take him.

Why have we got

to go back in there?

To get Col.

You!

Going somewhere?

Come on.

Where are we going?

Col's in the basement.

Keep 'em peeled.

Big fella's a sneaky bugger.

Quick, before he uses

his giant fish g*n!

You know that part

where you said we can take him?

- Yeah?

- That was a lie, right?

In here!

He seems really angry.

Probably 'cause you just punched

his mother in the face.

You think reckon

that's upset him?

Do you realize there's

another door there, right?

Sorry.

Malcolm!

Please! No! No!

Oi!

as*h*le!

I got one!

Oh. Nice one, buddy.

Dean!

Oh, bother!

That old woman

is doing my head in.

Let's go get Col.

Dean, what are we even

looking for?

That, Malcolm.

And how are we gonna

get down there?

I don't know yet.

- Still got your lighter?

- Oh, yeah.

I don't have any cigs left,

though, so...

No, so we can see

what we're doing down there.

You evil b*tch!

Malc!

Malc, are you alive, mate?

Malcolm!

Malcolm, you there?

f*ck!

Col, you better be alive, mate.

Col.

Colin.

f*ck's sake.

Col!

Come on, you b*stard.

You f*cking stink.

Dean, now, mate!

Dean!

That's enough! Let's go!

What's the matter?

That looks like

a nasty bite, mate.

You think I'm gonna

turn into one?

Don't be so stupid!

Come on!

Let's go! Let's go!

What the hell?

I'm gonna bloody k*ll 'em!

Hello!

Dean?

Colin!

Anyone in?

Can anybody hear me?

Mrs. Hanning!

Well, this is all seems

a little bit odd.

You find some backup?

- I found Malcolm.

- Well, where is he, then?

He didn't make it, mate.

Poor sod.

Over there!

f*cking wedged shut, mate!

This way!

sh*t!

Hello?

Dean?

Colin?

Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait!

Hello?

Is anyone down there?

This is useless.

Hi, Colin, it's Nigel.

Can you give me a ring when

you get this message, please?

I'm at the house,

and there's just...

Here, look, Col, look!

- Yes!

- Oh, you beauty.

It's a way out, mate!

Yes!

sh*t, Col, I think he's coming!

Go, go, go!

Charlie!

We're leaving!

I suggest you get

your arse up here!

Time to go.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

I just want to go

and see Carol, mate.

You're not Charlie.

What did he say?

Col, look at his shirt.

No, wait! What are you doing?

Wait! Wait!

- Hey!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, lads.

Doing all right?

Oh, give us a break, hey?

Easy, lads, easy!

- Okay.

- We met your mother.

Col, there's some in there!

Oh, God.

What's he carrying?

Col, there's some behind us!

Oh, it's a bloody ax!

What is that?

Oh, Col.

Col, Col, Col, Col.

What are we gonna do?

Carpet fitters don't cry!

♪ Catching up

with my old friends ♪

♪ At Uncle Charlie's place ♪

♪ My pal says,

Al, hey, check it out ♪

♪ Look who showed her face ♪

♪ We met two years before ♪

♪ But all would end in misery ♪

♪ Say what you may

Fate has a way ♪

♪ Some call it destiny ♪

♪ How are you

And yes, thank you ♪

♪ And all the pleasantries ♪

♪ Well, it's loud in here

Let's go out there ♪

♪ And chew our old stories ♪

♪ Yeah, I recall the worst of ♪

♪ Though our love

was bittersweet ♪

♪ You're overdue

I'm someone new ♪

♪ At least

that's what I think ♪

♪ Sure picked a fine time

to come ♪

♪ For what was did

couldn't be undone ♪

♪ Don't walk back in,

then turn and run ♪

♪ Sure picked a fine time

to come ♪

♪ Well, I dropped

my aspiration ♪

♪ And I took

a fall from grace ♪

♪ I fought for you

I know it too ♪

♪ Some things never change ♪

♪ We've been down

this road before ♪

♪ But there's light this time

I'm sure ♪

♪ Yeah, I still got

your photographs ♪

♪ And every single paragraph

you wrote me ♪

♪ Just hoping ♪

♪ Sure picked a fine time

to come ♪

♪ For what was did

couldn't be undone ♪

♪ Don't walk back in,

then turn and run ♪

♪ Sure picked a fine time

to come ♪

♪ What the hell

are you doing here ♪

♪ I'll drift in

your atmosphere ♪

♪ Just like you to turn up

out of the blue ♪

♪ When you're missing him ♪

♪ Sure picked a fine time

to come ♪

♪ For what was did

couldn't be undone ♪

♪ Don't walk back in,

then turn and run ♪

♪ Sure picked a fine time

to come ♪

♪ My pal says,

Al, don't turn around ♪

♪ Let her walk away ♪