Oh! Eh, Eh, Eh, ah.
Gosh, Arbie, you're the best
dry humper in school!
Ah, thanks Wendy, that's what the guys
on the basketball team say.
Wait!
Who else have you been dry humping?
Ah--
Mmh. Mm. Ah!
[ HOWL ]
Are you sure it's safe to be out here,
all alone in the middle of the night?
Absolutely! Heck,
no one's been out here
since those horny teens
were found decapitated back in '84.
Wendy relax! We're young,
wer-- wer--we're drunk,
wer-we're High school graduates!
This is the most
romantic night of our lives!
Why can't I--can't
Why--I ?
[ SOBBING ]
Ooooh ... Don't cry.
You'll figure it out.
No, it's not the bra,
it's--it's you're
ditching me for college.
...And the bra a little!
I'm not ditching you, Arbie.
And I think you should
come with me,
there's still time to apply!
Wendy, my mom's a
ret*rd and my dad's blind.
I mean, how am I supposed
to take care of 'em,
if I'm off somewhere
getting smart?
Don't worry, Arbie.
Even though I'll be surrounded by
spoiled trust fund kids
who have guaranteed 6 figure jobs
waiting for them at their
daddy's companies
after they graduate,
It'll never change me!
-Uh ha.
I'll stay true to you.
I promise!
[ HEAVY BREATHING ]
Uh, be gentle
this is my first time.
Mmm!
[ RASPY HEAVY BREATHING ]
Aaa--Mmm.
[ MOANS AND SOUNDS OF UNION ]
Oh, Arbie!
The earth is moving for me!
Oh!
Oh, Arbie! Your hands are all
over me like an octopus!
Oh Wendy, It's as if you're
Arm-b-dexterous or something!
Arbie! Take me!
Ooo-Oh Wendy!
Oh--I never knew love
could be so beautiful and pure!
[ GROWL ]
Aaah! Arbie!
He has something in his hand!
Holy sh*t an ax!
No--
the other hand.
Gross!
Wendy don't be such a prude, ya know,
think of it as a compliment!
I'm going home.
No, Wendy wait, Wendy!
[ POP ]
Ah. Mmm.
What an incredible woman!
You know,
thanks a lot dude!
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
Augh!
Arbie.
Ooo! Ooo, Arbie!
I want to f*ck your fanny!
I want to f*ck--
Mmm?
Ahh!
Help, help me!
Aaah!
[ THUD ]
[ SQUISH ]
¶ [ GHOSTLY AMERIND DANCE MUSIC ]
[ CLUCKING ]
[ CROWING ]
[ SCREAMING ]
Huh? Huh?
You suck you corporate punk!
f*ck you all!
Hey! What happened
to the ancient
Tromahawk tribe
sacred Indian burial ground
that that used
to be here?
They bulldozed it,
and replaced it with another
one of those fast food restaurants.
What do we want?
For the evil devil-worshiping
maggot conglomerates
to cease the destruction of our
beloved country
and replacing our
purple mountain majesties
with corporate cookie-cutter
retail spots!
When do we want it?
Now!
Or at least within
the next 3 years,
through ending the minority
class action share-holder lawsuits
priority in Section 16b
of the Securities and Exchange Act
of 1932;
so our contingency plaintiff lawyers
can get us multi-million
dollar settlements!
Yeah!
Hey, Brendan!
Arbie, what's up?
Oh, thanks!
Ah dude, look at those girls
making-out in protest over there!
Sweet! Where?
- Dude, she's hot!
The blue one.
- Oh, I like the blue one.
- That's right.
Aaah!
- What?
- Wendy?
Arbie!
Wendy what are you doing here?
Protesting this disgusting abomination
of chicken genocide
built on this ancient Tromaville
sacred native American Indian
burial ground.
What are you doing?
I'm a...
I'm doing the same thing!
Ow!
f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you !
Oh Baby, I've missed you!
What do you say we pick-up
right where we left off?
I know this old pervert-free graveyard
in New England,
And look!
I brought our old butt plug!
Ech! Listen, Arbie--
This is the famous Arbie?
Smell familiar?
Um, yes, OK, I'm getting
hints of patchouli oil.
She's my girl now!
Wendy you said college
would never change you!
Arbie, College is all about
broadening your horizons
and experimentation.
For instance:
Would Jacob Marinsky
have ever discovered
promethium, element 61,
if it wasn't for
experimentation?
Ah, Jacob Marinsky co-discovered
promethium, element 61,
while doing defense-related activity
in Oakridge, Tennessee.
Not by becoming a l*sbian
in college!
You--you said you'd never change
but--but here you are,
just bumpin' tacos!
Ow! Ooo!
That promise is broken,
like your nose!
And a lot more noses are going
to get flattened around here
if this travesty isn't removed
from my people's land immediately!
Your people? I don't see any
Native Americans around here!
All I see are a bunch
of white people in Tevas!
Ooo?
In our flip-flops!
Well, we've got a
Native American around here.
Somebody find Chief What's-his-face!
-The Chief! -Somebody find the Chief!
- Get the Chief! -Find him!
Are you upset
about the restaurant?
Wow, he's so noble!
See. Doesn't seem
so upset to me, does he?
Ah!
Aaah!
See he is upset!
- [ALL]: Yeah!
Come on!
I know your type!
You're a fraud!
You don't care about the Chief!
I'll show you...
and you.
And you!
What did I do?
I do not know,
You just look like a d*ck.
Move it fatty!
- Whoa!
¶ When I rolled out of bed today,
¶ Little did I know Wendy was g*y,
¶ She dumped me for
some hippie h*-O-O-E.
¶ With hairy pits
and a studded nose,
¶ She eats a snatch
just like a pro,
¶ In a Jenna Jameson-like
d*ke porno.
¶ A Femi-n*zi with no bra,
¶ She will forbid
a ménage à troi,
¶ With some 2 inch man-meat
¶ Like moi.
¶ That c**t-faced
double dildo thief,
¶ Don't know rubber c*ck
can't make true queef,
¶ I will show them
¶ where's the beef!
¶ You elitist assholes
¶ Full of sh*t,
¶ I think I'll do the opposite.
¶ If Wendy and her broad
protest with this mob,
¶ I think I'll go inside
and get myself
a job.
¶ As Jesus said as he died,
¶ Yo Bizatch!
Revenge is a dish
¶ best served fried!
¶ She will see
my cash increasing,
¶ My pole she'll want
to be greasing,
¶ With these hairy ba*ls I know
that she will never play,
- But I love you, Arbie.
¶ 'But I love you Arbie'
she will say.
- But I love you Arbie!
¶ Then I'll go:
'Well, sorry Hon, now, I'm g*y.'
Ha Ha Hah!
¶ As the prophet Mohamed
said before he died,
¶ n*gga, please, this is my sh*t!
¶ Revenge
¶ is a dish
best served fried!
Ha! Ha! Hah!
¶ [AMERIND]
[ THUNDER ]
¿ Qué éstas pasando ?
Eeew!
You the manager?
You know it!
Denny's the name
and fast food franchise
is my game!
Well, that and
Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
Give me a job!
I am a
high school graduate
Just--just tryin' to make his way
in this topsy-turvy world.
My life, it--it sucks!
My parents are ret*rds,
and my one true love
is a left-wing
lipstick lesbo liberal.
OK, you're hired!
Now, Arbie,
this here is our new cook.
This here is Hamas.
Daagh!
It's not Hamas!
It's Humus.
like the dip, Humus!
I swear, sometimes
I get so angry,
I just want to explode!
[ ALL SHRIEK ]
Heh!
Metaphorically speaking of course!
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Ha! See where
affirmative action gets ya!
Now, I'll be
watching you...
Al Jazeera.
Watching you like CNN!
Now Paco Bell,
show Arbie here
how we make The General's
Secret 2 Herb Chicken.
[ SPUTTERING IN PAIN ]
[ CONTINUES SPUTTERING ]
Hey Denny,
is it normal
for chickens that have been
dead and frozen
for weeks
to scream
in excruciating pain
like that?
Ah, hell, Arbie,
that wasn't a scream,
that was
just um-ah, an air pocket
burstin' and um...
beggin' for help.
- Hm.
Anyway,
movin' on:
This low-life hillbilly piece of
trailer trash sh*t here:
this is... Carl Junior!
Ha, Ha,
I know Arbie.
We was on the debatin'
team in high school together.
That's right!
You see, I was
anti-bestiality and
he was pro.
Eh heh hehh!
And look at you two now.
Yeah!
Mm, mm, mmmh!
Hey, what the hell
happened to the
tolerable chicken
we thawed out for today?
And who put these mysterious,
vein covered,
pulsating eggs in this box?
[ BUZZING ]
Mmuh mmuh!
Well don't just
stand there Carl
get off your a*s and go on
and get some more chicken!
And Paco, would you take
those mysterious, pulsating,
vein-covered eggs
and go and put them
with the breakfast foods.
Let's go people!
This place has got to work.
This is my Grandmama's
money we're talkin' about!
And if this place tanks,
well then, I'll be workin fast food
like all of you
jack-offs!
Well, what do I do?
You're the
counter girl.
Counter girl?
Just a little nickname
we have here at ACB.
Cool!
I'll go and get your skirt.
[ SIGHS ]
All right now,
heads up back there,
everybody.
We'll be opening up in five,
and 1!
We are
open for business!
[ CRICKETS & WIND WHISTLING ]
Don't you worry now!
This place will be flooded
with people comin'
by the car-load.
Any second now!
You fools!
-Ow!
You fools! You fools!
You fools!
This restaurant
was built on
on ancient
Tromahawk tribe
sacred Indian burial ground!
Get out
while you still can!
Get out!
Save yourselves! Save yourselves!
Um, I will have the
Sloppy José Value meal.
And please substitute the
cola with a Cluck-Work Orange.
Thank You.
[ ELECTRONIC CLUCK AND BELL ]
Hey!
Aren't you the guy
that lost all that weight
eating those fast food
hero sandwiches?
Jared, right?
Wow! You are
such an inspiration!
And you kept the weight off!
How did you do it?
It's all about
moderation my boy.
Now you get me that low-fat,
sausage flavored, chicken meal
with The General's
low-carb mashed potatoes!
And don't you
even think of skimpin'
on The General's
all soy gravy.
You got it Jared.
Guys, I need you
to 'pork a chicken'
and don't hold back
on the protein gravy.
¡ Ei ! ¡ Ei ! ¡ Caliente !
Heads up, Humus!
Haah!
Gravy!
Potatoes and gravy!
Huh?
Hmm...hmm--
Wow, Jared!
[ LOUDLY GULPING DOWN ]
[ BELCHES ]
[ FARTS ]
Augh! Augh!
[ FARTS ]
Bathroom? [ FARTS ]
Where? [ FARTS ]
NOW!
Way to go Jared!
Aaah!
Mmmh.
Hmm ah!
[ DIARRHEA ]
Good gravy!
[ GAS / DIARRHEA SOUNDS FROM BATHROOM ]
I'll have a--
Are you working here,
just to upset me?
I mean, how could you leave me
for Sappho B. Anthony out there?
Do you hear this?
[Jared in bathroom]: Oh I can't stop sh1tting!
[ SOUNDS FROM BATHROOM CONTINUE]
That's the sound of my aching heart.
Aaah!
[ SPLASH ]
Today is not about us.
Just look at the
atrocities American Chicken Bunker
performs on the chickens
that you serve
to the ignorant masses!
[ BATHROOM SOUNDS CONTINUE ]
[ BATHROOM SOUNDS ]
It's like my a*s is on fire! Aaah!
[ BATHROOM SOUNDS ]
[ JARED ]: Why can't I stop sh1tting?
[ BATHROOM SOUNDS CONTINUE ]
[ JARED ]: It's like I'm a geyser!
[JARED ]: A sh*t geyser!
Aaaah!
So I am sure,
that after hearing
all this information,
everyone here will realize
that it is wrong
to eat
any type of meat.
[ JARED FARTING ]: Where the f*ck
is the toilet paper?
Wendy!
Be careful!
He's Dangerous!
He might try and
serve you some
fried artery-clogging flesh!
At least I'm man enough
to have a job
and support my family
at $ 3.50 an hour!
[ EXHALES ]
I mean, what are you doing
besides trying
to bring down a
successful business man
like General Lee Roy?
By attacking the General,
you are
attacking America!
Yes!
My people!
America!
The only other place
in the world
besides France, Canada,
Czech Republic,
and Outer Mongolia
where a rank and file member
of the Georgia Chapter, KKK
can rise above
his humble up-bringing
and become
President and CEO
of one of the world's most
largest and powerful corporations.
So tell me, Micki
What are you doing besides trying
to bring down America?
Yeah!
[ CHEERING ]
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Aaugh!
Baby k*ller!
- Uff!
No, wait, wait, wait. No, wait!
There is a lot of bad blood
between us.
We should be making love,
not w*r.
[ BOTH ]: You're right
Oh, well,
you know it baby!
Now eat my meat,
you vegan wh*res!
Aaa!
Hi, Arbie!
Augh!
Arbie!
Arbie!
Arbie!
Arbie!
Arbie!
Arbie!
Arbie!
Arbie!
Oh Wendy!
Oh Micki's on my radar!
here comes the heat-seeking
moisture m*ssile!
Arbie! Arbie!
Arbie!
Huh?
[ CRICKETS ]
Ah--
Ah--
I was, um--
I was just thinking
about the poor
chickens, that's all.
I'm sorry, Arbie, but
how could I ever love someone
who wants me to eat c*ck?
[ CRIES ]
[ DIARRHEA ]
Oh my poor a*s! Oh!
What the hell was that?
[ GURGLING ]
Oh, I have to sh*t
Oh my God!
What hell was that?
[ STEPS AND CROWING ]
Aaah!
There's somebody
in my stomach!
Get--get out of my belly!
Ah! Aaah!
Aaaah!--
I got to get off this toilet!
Aaaah!
[ THUD ]
[ DIARRHEA ]
[ SCREAMS ]
Aah!
Ugh!
Aaah!
¶ [ ANGELIC CHOIR ]
[ KNOCKING ]
Jared, are you all right?
Oh, oh, oh--
- Oh my God!
I'm skinny!
I'm skinny!
Yip yip yahoo!
- Hey, Jared?
Hey, Denny!
[SCREAMING]: Hey Denny!
What is it now
Arbie boy, is it--
Oh, sh*t!
The guy, the guy who did this,
he's gone!
He just disappeared!
Well would you
stick around to apologize
if you sh*t up a bathroom
this bad, Arbie?
God Damned Honkies!
They're always waitin' for the
Black Man to clean up their mess!
You see, Arbie, the same sh*t
happened in Vietnam!
The White Man thought
the Yellow Man was turnin' red,
and so he sent the Black Man in
to clean up his mess, Arbie!
Oh!
Ooh!
Well God Dammit, Arbie,
I ain't doin' this sh*t
this time!
Why not?
Because you're doin' it!
Now you take
this mother f*ck' mop
and get to it!
¶ All of these fried chicken wings
that I'm serving,
¶ They make me yearn
for your breasts, legs and thighs.
¶ My hunger for you is unswerving,
¶ Without you, my heart
starves and dies.
¶ All these protests
and speeches I'm making,
¶ To end chicken suffering
and slaughter.
¶ His only response
is that I'm faking,
¶ That I'm g*y,
¶ Like d*ck Cheney's daughter.
¶ My meat in your buns
makes such special sauce.
¶ g*y seems my way
to quote Robert Frost.
¶ Could be nostalgia
for all that is lost,
¶ Could it be that our love
is star crossed?
¶ Woaaah,
¶ I sure miss
getting my salad tossed.
¶ You are my fries
and your shake makes me shiver,
¶ You're a happy meal
sent from above.
¶ Can this drive-thru
called life deliver,
¶ a heavenly slow
fast food love?
¶ Since that night
all I have is self-pleasure.
¶ Bumping uglies
real hard we did grind.
¶ With tissue and hand cream
I try to remember,
¶ How you stuck this thing,
¶ How you stuck this thing
up my rear ender.
¶ Whooh-oooh-oooh
¶ With my partner in bed
I am yearning,
¶ To feel pleasure and passion
that's true.
¶ But only thoughts of you
kept me burning,
¶ Ah--
¶ Memories of your beef
make me stew.
¶ If hearts were like chickens,
yours I'd defrost,
¶ To reclaim true love
what is the cost?
¶ Could be nostalgia
for all that is lost.
¶ Could it be that our love
is star crossed?
¶ Whoa, I sure miss
getting my salad tossed.
¶ You are my fries and
your shake makes me shiver.
¶ You're a happy meal
sent from above.
¶ Can this drive-thru
called life deliver,
¶ A heavenly slow
fast food love?
¶ ...
¶ Could be nostalgia
for all that is lost.
¶ Could it be that our love
is star crossed?
¶ Woah!
¶ I sure miss getting
my salad tossed.
¶ You are my fries
and your shake makes me shiver,
¶ You're a happy meal
sent from above.
¶ Can this drive-thru
called life deliver
¶ A heavenly slow
¶ Fast food love?
¶ A heavenly slow
¶ Fast food love.
[ 'AUDIENCE' CHEERS & APPLAUSE HEARD ]
[ AUTO HORN ]
[ c*ck CROWING ]
[ RAPID HORN HONKING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
General!
It's a--a pleasure
to meet you sir.
I've been waitin' for
this moment for a long time now.
General, I'd like to say--
Well, thank you,
thank you, Danny,
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
That's ah... Denny.
That's...
good for you!
Good Mornin' Tromaville!
Y'all look lovely!
Ha Ha Ha!
Hippies?
Protest signs?
Open expression
of political thoughts!
Wha--
We will never rest
while big business
tramples over
the rich history and culture
of the Native Americans.
While simultaneously slaughtering...
Countless...
Innocent...
Chickens!
[ SLURPING ]
Aaah!
Now, h* h*!
Settle down there young man!
Settle down now!
The General has provided
ample accommodations
For your displaced,
dead, Red Men.
They have gone to a better place.
[ FLIES BUZZING ]
Ugh!
All I want to do is provide for
these poor, hungry, souls.
Hit it!
Ah one,
and ah two,
and ah three!
¶ Troubled angry faces,
¶ Confusion all about,
¶ Tell me all
of your concerns
¶ And I'll sort
your problems out.
¶ Well I use to be
quite slim you see,
¶ But thanks to the
fast food industry,
¶ I've gained some weight,
¶ I'm big and fat,
¶ What do you got
to say about that?
¶ What do you got
to say about that?
¶ It's not our fault,
our food's nutritious,
¶ Somewhat fresh
and quite delicious,
¶ Your big fat mouth
tells big fat lies,
¶ So plug it up with our
large fried thigh!
¶ Independent businesses
are hard to find,
¶ Corporate wh*res
you and your kind,
¶ Force them all
close up shop,
¶ What about all
the Moms and the Pops?
¶ What about all
the Moms and the Pops?
¶ Screw those
two-bit corner stores,
¶ We can offer so much more,
¶ Leave those relics
in the past,
¶ Do you want quality,
¶ Or do you want it fast?
¶ ...
¶ Mexicans with no green cards,
¶ Zit faced teens
and poor ret*rds,
¶ On unskilled labor
your business thrives.
¶ While these poor folks
¶ Barely survive.
¶ We pay them fair
for what they do,
¶ Who wants to hire them,
surely not you.
¶ I'm a saint
and I--I really care,
¶ I keep those schmucks
off welfare.
¶ Fast food is being advertised,
¶ On children's T.V. stations
¶ And being sold
in elementary schools
¶ To kids across the nation.
¶ Toddlers eat fatty foods
¶ And keep shitty toys
hocked by the star.
¶ Mind control the population,
¶ Corporate fiends
you've gone too far,
¶ Degenerate f*ck,
you've gone too far!
¶ The kids learn arithmetic,
¶ By counting calories.
¶ And looking at our menus,
¶ Helps them learn to read.
¶ Little scientists can analyze
¶ The ingredients in our food.
¶ As long as they
don't tell Mom and Dad
¶ And get our asses sued!
Aaah!
¶ So my friends
don't fight temptation,
¶ Give yourselves
some taste sensation.
¶Our Extreme Chicken Supreme is made
¶ With three
different kinds of cheeses!
¶ American Chicken Bunker!
¶ We are more popular
than Jesus!
[CROWD]
Our Father, who art in heaven...
Hallowed be thy name...
[Announcer]:
Well, Colonel Cluck has a better
ad campaign than Jesus.
Augh!
This sucks!
And now the most important part ...
The 'Secret Zest Sauce!'
Bhuh?
Huh?
Ach! God! Gross!
I need a napkin.
Is this what you're looking for?
[ SCREAMS ]
Oh my God!
A giant old chicken!
Please don't eat me! Oh, my God!
No, no, no.
Take it easy!
Relax son.
Relax.
Yeah, I guess a giant evil chicken
is a bit far-fetched.
I--I'm Arbie.
I haven't met you yet,
this is my first day here.
When did you start?
I've always been here.
They said you can
take smoke breaks
every 2 hours.
You look young.
I was young once.
Full of hopes and dreams, until...
until...
HEY!
Who's tellin' this story schmuck?
I was going to go to college,
get a degree.
But Mom,
Mom was a ret*rd
and Dad got blind and
had to support 'em.
So I took this shitty job
at American Chicken Bunker and
been here ever since.
But I don't mind.
Another 13 years
and I'll have enough money
to be reunited
with my best girl at college.
Wendy.
I had a girlfriend
named Wendy!
But... now she's a l*sbian.
Aren't they all?
Oh man, this thong
is chaffin' my ba*ls.
God Damn my crank,
I can't get it out of my--
[ Thunder ]
Oh sh*t, ah, ah!
That's strange!
The weather man
didn't say anything about
thunderstorms in
windowless basements.
[ CRACK OF THUNDER ]
You see Humus,
I am doing this because
I am a freedom fighter.
[ SHE GASPS ]
I am Che Guevara, Martin Sheen,
and Janeane Garofalo
rolled into one fabulous burrito
of political activism.
By masturbating
in this food
I am waking up the world!
¡ Viva la revolución !
Oh Yeah!
La revolución is cuming!
Oooh!
Ricky Martin,
let me c*m in your eye!
Ah! Ah!
[ SQUIRT ]
[ CLUCKING ]
Humus, I respect your rights
to pray and practice
of a legend
different from my own,
but that strange
clucking sound is very distracting!
Can you at least pray
facing that way.
After all,
isn't Mecca over there?
'Ghumm?'
[ HUMUS GASPS ]
Aaah!
[ PACO SCREAMS ]
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
[ SCREAMING ENDS ]
[ MACHINE CONTINUES ]
[ SCREAMING BEGINS AGAIN ]
Motha' f*ck!
Oh, Shiite!
Well Allah be a
monk's uncle!
The burka bimbo's
a m*rder*r!
It wasn't me!
It was the chicken!
Just like you people.
If it's not the Jews
or--or the Americans,
Well then,
it must be the chickens, huh?
HUH!
Hey man,
Did you hear that
screaming and grinding
h*m* Mexican
dying a terrible death
sound?
Look kid, don't waste your
whole life here like I did!
You've gotta get out!
Do something!
Do something!
All right... OK... Relax!
Now this is just
a temporary situation,
I got it all mapped out!
Sure you do.
n*gg*r, please.
¶ Come gather round Arbie,
¶ Now haven't you heard,
¶ A career in fast food
¶ Is like polishing turds.
¶ It may shine like a diamond,
¶ or sparkle a bit.
¶ But a turd is a turd,
¶ It's still just a sh*t!
¶ I hear what you're saying,
You crazy old man,
¶ But riches and b*tches
are part of my plan.
¶ A career in fast food,
although at first seems untrendy,
¶ Might win me the heart
of my dear Wendy.
¶ Just look at me
how pathetic I stand,
¶ Alone in this land.
¶ No chance for romance,
just my d*ck in my hand.
¶ No chance for romancement,
boy why can't you see?
¶ Just minimum wage
through rotisserie,
¶ So smarten up dumbass
before it's too late,
¶ Earn your B.F.A. or you're
F
U
C
K-ed
¶ A Bachelors of Fine Arts is for
rich snobby q*eers,
¶ For me it's just debt for
another 4 years,
¶ Nope, I'm soaring on wings
fried golden brown,
¶ On these flightless birds
right out of this town.
¶ So listen old man,
why can't you see
¶ Hydrogenated trans fat,
MSG,
¶ Plus phosphoric acid means
gravy for me.
¶ Once I was young
my strings were all strung,
¶ but dreams and ambitions
have all turned to dung,
¶ I chose to fry
now how dumb was I,
¶ All that's left for me
¶ Now is to die!
¶ Yeah well, that's not for me,
I got a 'Plan B!'
¶ I know it's legit,
it's get on TV,
¶ I'll be all that I can be,
¶ In the army!
¶ In the army!
¶ Ah, ah, oh!
¶ Eh, you young punks,
you got brains of bricks
¶ You only think with
your dicks.
¶ Yeah, well you old farts
are depressing.
¶ Now where's that
ranch dressing?
Well, see ya
around old guy,
who seems to
know a lot about me
for no apparent reason.
Oh, and by the way,
you got served!
Now Dopey!
Denny!
I believe the ninja.
Paco probably slipped
on that unassuming
chicken carcass
that is inexplicably
attached to the grinder's
on/off switch.
So get back to work
everybody,
we got
a franchise to run!
Look, sir,
you can't be serious.
A man just died in there!
Shut your pie-hole,
Dinky!
Take this camel jockey out back
and hose her down!
When you're clean,
come back in here
gather up all this meat
and let's slap
together three racks
of Sloppy Pacos!
Oh, Uh, I mean
Sloppy Josés.
[ LAUGHS ]
Hey, hey!
Where's Paco?
Uh--
Well I, ah--
Well, I gave him
the afternoon off. -Yeah.
- [ LAUGHS ] That's what I did.
Huh.
Bbbh!
[ LAUGHS ]
Huh.
Ah.
Auu!
Okay!
And counter girl!
Never, ever,
leave your register!
Who knows what
that mob of customers could
be doing right now!
¶ [UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC ]
Now, Dewey--
- That's Denny!
Like the country!
Ah-ew!
Whatever!
We're stayin' open!
Well, listen sir, I don't--
- Now, now, now!
Yeah I know,
I know, I know
Sure, sure, Paco had
a horrible accident
and died.
But don't you worry,
American Chicken Bunker
will pay him for the full day.
[ LAUGHS]
And for God's sakes, keep
your yap shut!
All I need is for
those Hippies out there
to find out
somebody died
here on opening day.
Even if it was just a
filthy,
illiterate,
h*m*-Mexican.
¶ [ DRAMATIC
My grandmamma
is goin' to be so mad!
sh*t!
I'm leavin'.
sh*t!
That chicken!
The chicken has declared
jihad on us all!
Hm! That reminds me,
I need to get a tampon.
¶ [ BANJO ]
Yeah!
That's one 'baaad' chicken!
Heh, heh, heh,
heh--
Hey Father O'Houlihan,
back for seconds?
Arbie, I don't mean
to complain,
but there's a severed p*nis
in me Sloppy José.
-Oh. -Oh. -Come on!
-You don't see that every day.
That's weird.
Well,
I'll tell you what:
You sir, are entitled
to one free Sloppy José
on the house.
I'll go get it for you.
¶ You're a happy meal
sent from above,
¶ In this drive-thru
called life deliver
¶ A heavenly slow
fast food love.
Arbie!
How dare you let
that priest nibble on my c*ck!
What are you
the Catholic Church?
Holy sh*t! Is that you, Paco?
Well I ain't chopped liver!
Now scoop me off of this bun
and give me a proper burial.
Trust me Homes,
you got enough pissed off spirits
lookin' to take a bite out of
your tight, tasty a*s.
What are you talking about?
- Look, Now that I'm dead,
I've decided to stop living a lie.
I'm g*y, Arbie.
q*eer as a well-known
Scientologist Hollywood actor.
Now there is some bad sh*t
heading your way, Honey.
Oh my God, what?
By building a ACB on sacred ground,
The General united two
of the most disenfranchised
races on the planet.
Displaced Native Americans
and the billions of chickens
sent to the concentration coops.
There hasn't been such
a lethal combination
of chicken and Indians,
since Tandoori was introduced
to the American people.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Hold it!
[ SQUISH ]
Now, what Hollywood
Scientologist actor is g*y?
Pay attention stupid!
If you fail, the virus will spread.
And those of you
who aren't infected,
will be relocated to
free range, white meat
reservation coops.
[ ARBIE LAUGHS ]
Yeah right, that's good evil spirits!
I'll believe in the supernatural
when I see it, Talking Sandwich!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to serve the priest a
p*nis-free Sloppy José!
You really are stupid!
Just listen.
To stop them,
you must find
their one true weakness.
Which we all know is--
[ COMMOTION ]
I'll tell you what those
muckraking anti-fast food
documentaries see:
Our food here at ACB
is healthy
and served fresh daily!
[ LAUGHS ]
I, um, hope you enjoy
our new, ah,
'My Lai m*ssacre' wallpaper.
I just had it installed today.
[ LAUGHS ]
Oh,
oh look!
It's one of our beautiful 'counter girls'
preparing one our famous Sloppy Josés.
Why don't you come on over here
and have one, huh?
Come on!
No. No. No!
I don't think you want to serve
that Sloppy José, General!
[ LAUGHING ]
Pay no mind to this
'Sassy Lassie.'
Our Sloppy Josés are delicious.
I eat at least one every day.
Give me that!
Ah, mmm hmmm hmmm!
[ THUNDER ]
-- and that's when I realized that
droppin' out of Harvard Law School
to join the
American Chicken Bunker team
was the right career
decision for me.
To be with the
ones I truly love:
dead, partially thawed,
uncooked chicken carcasses.
Why are you so tense, Baby?
Why don't you have
a little drink?
It'll loosen ya' up!
Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, Baby!
I'm sorry.
Daddy didn't mean to hurt you.
What's that?
You want me to kiss you?
Well, all right!
Mmm!
Ah!
Oh yeah!
Yeah!
No, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait!
Are you sure
you want to do this?
I mean, we're still going to have to
work together afterwards
and all and
I don't want things to be weird.
Well,
...all right.
But I do insist on safety.
Ohhh!
Yeah!
That is some
Grade 'A' white meat!
Whh!
Oh don't worry
Carl Junior ain't adverse to
takin' the back door.
[ SQUISH ]
Oh!
[ SQUISH ]
Ooo!
[ CLUCKING ]
Oh you want to talk dirty!
Oh, I ain't adverse to hearing
what's on your dirty,
filthy little sl*t
chicken mind!
Yeah!
[ CHOMP ] Ow!
[ CLUCK ] Oh!
Easy, easy with the teeth!
Easy with the teeth!
I was goin' to pull out!
[ CLUCKING ]
It just felt so good!
Aaah!
[ CLUCKING ]
[ SCREAMING ]
[ SQUIRTING ]
Oooo!
[ SCREAMS ]
[ SCREAMING ]
[ PUNCHING ]
I'm exhausted!
But the place sparkles again.
Aaaa!
[ HUMUS GASPS ]
[ SCREAMING ]
[ SPRAYING ]
[ SCREAMS CONTINUE ]
Help Me!
Oh God!
Get it off!
My d*ck!
Aaah!
My d*ck!
Aaah!
What do I do...
what do I do?
[ COW BELL ]
Ah Uuu!
Ay-Yahh!
[ HORSE NEIGHS ]
[ SREAMING CONTINUES ]
[ SCREAMING STOPS ]
[ BOWELS RELEASE ]
f*ck, f*gg*t, you die!
Eeeh!
The Shish Kebab Psycho's
done it again!
My franchise! My Grandmamma Rose's savings.
I knew we should have
invested in Google!
No, no, I was
just trying to help him!
By f*cking him
to death with a mop?
- Huuh?
Now if this was that
F*gg*t-ass Paco Bell,
then maybe I'll buy it, Hamas,
maybe I would buy it!
B-B-B-BUT Carl Junior!
You know, you just made me
blow my only chance
at earning enough money
to one day own my own franchise.
Denny's.
sh*t!
You know I ought
to fire your a*s!
You 9/11,
World Trade Center crashin',
turban wearin' ,
mother--
- Guys!
Guys! Guys!
This is not a t*rror1st thing.
And this not a sodomy thing.
This is an angry chicken
Indian spirit thing!
What?
-And If we don't
find out a way to stop them,
we're all going to have
mops shoved up our butts!
We all take it in the dumper
some time, boy.
But only the strong shall keep
American Chicken Bunker runnin'
while the weak
scurry away,
clenchin' their
mud flaps closed.
[ GURGLING ]
Carl Junior?
Holy liability he's alive!
Eh-eh, get back
to work everybody, he's fine!
Carl Junior, are
you all right?
Would you look at the size
of my 'Wood-Pecker!'
Heh, heh, heh!
Don't worry buddy,
we're going to get you
to a hospital and fix you up real good.
Humus, see if
you can find his rectum.
I think it's over by the grill somewhere.
It's over there.
You're not takin' him anywhere!
Humus!
- Ehh!
Drop that rectum.
But Sir, he'll die!
Plus, if Wendy sees
me carrying him out,
she might think I'm nice.
You think I'm going
let you take a man
with a mop
shoved up his brown eye
out in front of those
hippies and TV cameras out there?
Ha, I'd be ruined boy!
This-this is a man's life
we're talkin' about!
A caring, loving member
of this extended family
that we call humanity.
If you do take me to a doctor,
make sure he
ain't no 'Jew b*stard.'
Well, maybe not so much with
the caring and the loving.
Ah, Dicky!
Humus!
Grab these chicken buckets
and follow me!
Hardy! Red Lob!
you heard what the man said,
grab a bucket!
Here Carl Junior,
have some of your whiskey.
[ GLUB, GLUB, GLUB ]
Achhh--
Oh!--
That's odd!
[ SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF ]
Hmh!
General, I reckon I don't know
what's goin' on round yonder, Sir.
[ LAUGHS ]
Well, just follow my lead son.
Like Harriet Tubman said,
'Let them eat fried chicken!'
[LAUGHS ]
Hold it down everybody,
now, hold it down!
Now, y'all been
out here for hours,
and I'd be angry too,
if I hadn't eaten yet either.
That's why I want to make
this here peace offerin'
with free pieces of chicken!
[ CROWD JEERING ]
If you think free chicken
will win us over,
you are completely mad!
[ ALL ]: Huh?
- Huh? -Huh?
-Huh?
You are mad!
Mad to give away chicken this good!
It's delicious!
[ CHEERING ]
What about the Indians?
The chickens? The protesting?
Wendy, sweet Wendy,
this... is bigger... than all of us!
This chicken is
the American dream!
I can hear America singing!
[ CHEERING ]
What?
Oh, it's just like
my ole' Grand pappy
used to say:
Hey Junior !
Get over here with
them matches!
"This cross ain't goin'
to burn itself!"
[ ALL ]: Huh?
What?
Uh, I mean, ah, ah,
"This chicken ain't goin' to eat itself!"
Eat up everybody!
[ CHEERING ]
[ EATING / CRUNCHING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
[ CHEERING CONTINUES ]
Hey General, what are these tiny little
bumps all over my chicken?
[ SQUIRT / POP ]
Um, those?
Ah, um, those are ah...
...our new flavor pods!
[ ALL ]: Oooo! Flavor pods!
Eat up everybody!
If you love what you eatin' here,
you ain't ate nothin' yet!
Come on in!
Yea!
-Yea!
¶ Hmm Hmm Hmm
[ MAYHEM ]
Wha' happen?
- Ha uh--
[ CRYING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
Who-h*-h*-h*!
Well kid, we did it!
[ LAUGHING ]
Oh, it was near perfect!
[ LAUGHS ]
Now, with all those
local nut jobs appeased
and all that free media
coverage you got me,
American Chicken Bunker's Empire
is sure to grow and grow!
Oh, my little baby likes it.
Yes!
Oh, sweet little baby! Oh, yes!
[ MICKI SQUEALING ]
Micki?
- Oh yes, baby likes it!
Baby like!
Baby like!
Baby-Baby hungry!
Baby hungry! Baby hungry!
- Oh, Baby hungry?
What the Hell ?
Honey! It's-it's not
what it looks like!
Micki, how could you?
What? The fake protesting
or the baby powder thing?
Both.
Ah, sweet little Wendy,
you can be so naive!
I mean, the
future of this country
is branding and franchising and
there's no stopping it,
so...
I decided
to follow the money.
And ah, for the record:
Havin' a diaper fetish
is a completely...
normal...
healthy...
and harmless bedroom activity.
Oh my God!
I can't believe this!
Um, General,
I think you need to come and
take a look at what's goin' on out there!
Who'd that A-rab k*ll now,
the-the Ret*rded counter girl?
k*lled?
Arbie.
A-rab?
Ret*rded! Whaaa--
Wendy!
[ EVERYONE RETCHING ]
Aaah!
Huh?
Wha-oh!
Huh?
If your food is so
delicious and nutritious, General,
how do you explain this?
[ PROLONGED RETCHING ]
Well, um, everybody knows that Tromaville is
the bulimia capital of the world. Yeah--
Try again.
Well, whatever it is,
it has nothing to do with
American Chicken Bunker!
We produce only high quality,
chicken flavored
food stuffs!
Oh Yeah?
Well, if it's
such high quality,
flavored 'food stuff,'
why don't you...
eat it?
Fine.
You want to see the
General eat the chicken?
-Hmm Mhh.
Then the General...
is gonna eat...
the chicken!
[ SIGHS ]
[ POPPING AND BUBBLING ]
What's the matter, General?
You know something
your loyal customers don't?
No, I--I just remembered
I--I got my, ah,
my water aerobics class
in about a half hour, heh!
I--I can't afford to get cramps.
Heh, heh, heh--
Do it, General!
[ ALL ]: Huh?
[ LOUDLY EXHALING ]
Uhh--ohhh
my Godddd--
[ BUBBLE BURSTS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
Hah!
Hm mm mmuh--
Mmm--Mmm!
Well how is it?
- It's fine.
It's better than fine!
It's delicious!
[ LAUGHS ]
I'm lovin' it!
See! I told you there was
nothin' to worry about!
Our food here at ACB--
every leg,
every thigh,
is fresh,
tasty and--
[ DIARRHEA ]
Oh my God!
My a*s!
Get out of my way!
Get out!
Aaaah!
Rrrrr!
[ POP / SPLASH ]
What the hell
did I just drop?
Uh huh.
¶ [ E. Grieg: 'In the Hall of the Mountain King'
from Peer Gynt [Op. 46] ] ¶ ...
Huh!
Well!
Heh!
[ LOUD EXHALATIONS ]
Huu!
Heh. Hnh.
Wha!
[ SHELL CRACKING ]
[ INFANT COOING ]
Hnh?
Wa!
[ INFANT SOUNDS CONTINUE ]
Huh?
Wha?
Aaah!
[ GENERAL BEGINS SCREAMING ]
Ra! Rrr! Rrr! Ra! Rrr!
Aaah!
Ow!
Two can play at this game, Mister!
[ CHICKEN SCREAMS ]
[ THE GENERAL PANT/GROWLS ]
Aaah!
h*! h*!
Whoa!
[ PANTING ]
[ BEGINS TO SCREAM ]
¶ [ 'Peer Gynt' ends ]
Oh, I can't believe I left Arbie
for someone as horrible as you!
Ah! Arbie, I was a
fool ever to leave you!
A stupid, smelly, jerk-face
who has no respect for
other people's feelings
and dumps the best
thing she ever had for some
phony, butch, hose-bag l*sbian fool!
What?
Ah, hush now, sweet Wendy.
I forgive you!
[ COOING THEN CLUCKING ]
Do you hear something?
Say, did you guys notice
anything going on weird today?
Because I--
Aaa!
- Wha!
What the f*ck is that?
Mmm. Mmha!
Mmha! Mmha!
It's the 'Angry Chicano' spirit!
This must be what Paco Bell
was trying to warn us about!
Rrrah!
[ CARL JR BEGINS TO CLUCK ]
They've reanimated
poor Carl Junior!
Mmmh! Mmmh!
[ CLUCKING ]
- Let's get out of here!
[ SCREAMS ]
General, who did this to you?
The Chicken!
The Chicken's come back
from the dead!
We gotta get out of here!
Aaah!
I saw a bad chicken once.
Huh?
Huh? Huh?
Huwweh--
When I was delivering chickens
up in Indianapolis
You were on that delivery
truck route in Indianapolis?
Oh my God!
Wha' happen?
[ GARBLED SOUNDS ]
A Japanese import
slammed into us on I-90, Arbie.
We was coming back
from delivering some
prime chicken.
Grade 'A' bird.
Well, we boys was the b*mb now!
Rrrh.
Rrr, Rrr, Rrr.
Eleven hundred feathers went
out onto the road.
Our tires went flat
in twelve minutes.
Didn't see the first chicken
for about, half-hour.
Rooster, one footer.
You know, they say you can
tell the size of a c*ck
by staring it down
from its beak,
all the way to its tail feathers.
Nobody knew we was out on
I-90 that night,
no distress signal
had been sent.
Didn't have
cell phones back then,
and well, ah,
couldn't afford a pager.
Huh?
What the--
Huh? Huum? Huh?
Ow!
Heh he, ow!
Ow!
Aaah!
Ah, ah, Aaah!
Aaah!
Aaaaah!
When they got the signal,
the chickens went cruisin'!
and so that's when me and Larry,
that was the guy who
was ridin' with me,
we formed ourselves
in a tight circle
and prayed that the
chickens didn't see us.
Yehhh...
hhe hhe hhe!
Sometime a chicken
would go away,
sometime it doesn't.
Hhheeh--
That's the thing
about a chicken, Arbie.
It's got 'Dead' eyes.
Black,
like a--a sex doll!
[ GURGLING ]
Heah!
Ha, Haa.
Aaaahhhh!
[ SPLAT ]
[ ROAR ]
Then there comes that...
terrible...
high-pitched...
cluck.
[ SCREECHING ]
Yeah, yeah just like that, Arbie!
Whaaah!
[ SCREAMING ]
Run!
[ SCREAMING AND SQUIRTING ]
[ SCREAMING AND SQUIRTING CONTINUE ]
My soccer leg!
Whooooo!
[ MONKEY-LIKE CHUTTERS ]
[ SCREAMING ]
This restaurant is terrible!
Aaawwgh!
[ MAYHEM ]
Whoa!
I know it's fattening...
but I love the skin!
[CHUCKLING ]
I hate the skin!
[ SCREAMS ]
Aaaah!
Aaah!
Oh my ba*ls!
My ba*ls!
¶ [ COOING MELODY ]
Aaahh!
[ SCREAMING ]
[ MAYHEM ]
Help!
Help!
Make a wish.
I wish I was
a princess.
Oh, not on my face!
Not on my f*ck' face!
[ SCREAMS ]
God save us!
God save us all!
I gotta sh*t--I--
You f*cking feather-face can't
f*ck with me!
Because, Big Mitch has
got a big tool!
Aaah!
I've got b*tch t*tties!
Aaah!
Aaah! Aaah!
Aaah!
[ SCREAMS ]
Aaah!
No!
No! Get off of me!
Aaaah!
[ CROWS ]
[ g*nshots ]
[ MACHINE g*n ]
Die, You Zombie b*stard!
Oops, ah, sorry!
Heh, heh, heh, heh!
Heh, heh!
Heh. Heh. Heh.
Booya Bia-tch!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Hah!
You saved us, you're our hero!
- Eh, t'wern't nothin'!
Say, where did you
get this g*n?
I have a whole
stash of them here.
I keep them hidden here with the
children's promotional items.
I was gonna be
an alienated employee
who kept to himself
and then went on a murderous
rampage this afternoon.
After all, how else could I
get a name for myself?
Aw, that's excellent dude!
You're a total life saver!
Look out!
-Whoah! Whoa!
- Stand back! Stand back!
Wahh!
[ MACHINE g*n FIRE ]
[ SQWAKING ]
- Ha! Haah!
Okay, you fat elitist
demon f*ck!
Now we finish it!
With this b*llet,
I put an end to the tyranny
of American Chicken Bunker
and a symbolic end
to corporate greed!
Oh, excuse me a minute.
Yes?
[ SCREAMS ]
[ CONTINUES SCREAMING ]
Oh!
[ SCREAMING STOPS ]
Ach!
Phwee!
Jambalaya! Crawdaddy!
Po' boy! Gumbo God dammit!
He's turned into a
'Blackened Cajun' chicken!
Hey, Denny!
- What?
You just won the contest
- What contest?
The wet t-shirt contest,
mother f*ck!
[ SCREAMING WHILE MULTIPLY FIRING ]
Eh!
[ CROWD IN DISTANCE ]
They are very slowly
approaching the entrance.
We need to figure out a way
to keep them out!
But how?
This place is 50% glass!
They'll break through
faster than the 5 minutes
it took me to turn Wendy into
a full-blown l*sbian!
Damn it! We need action before
they turn the glass
into lesbians!
I've got it!
[ ALL ]: Aw!
Great thinking, Wendy!
My nose!
- He's still alive!
Can you hear me?
[ YELLING ]: Can you hear me?
Of course, I can hear you,
you dumb schmuck!
He bit off my nose,
not my ears!
But--but, I am gonna die!
Ah, ah, aaah!
Well, you've lived a
pretty great life.
Just lay back
and let death
wash over the noblest
and mightiest of warriors.
What the f*ck are
you talking about you idiot?
I lead a shitty life!
I was an A.C.B. counter girl
for 25 years,
just like you'll be!
Aaah!
I'm you!
You dumb prick!
Don't you get it?
You gotta change your life!
You gotta get out of here
or you'll end-up like me!
Eeeh!
Aahhh! Oh!
[ THUD ] Ah! Aaah!
Oh God!
What do we do?
We should sneak out and
run for our lives!
Wait, wait, we can't leave.
My daughter is missing;
my Katy, my little one, she's only five.
Please, you have to help,
Mister!
I am a--a girl,
for Christ's sake!
Arbie, We can't leave
the little crippled girl here to die.
She's crippled too?
If it helps.
We have to find the girl!
It ends now!
Or, in about 15 minutes.
Suit yourselves, because
I'm gettin' the hell out of here!
Micki,
are you crazy?
One step outside and
you are a hen-pecked human.
Human? Yes.
But, they wouldn't attack
a fellow bird.
[ MULTIPLE CLUCKING ]
¶ [ PIZZICATO ]
[ SHRIEKS ]
[ SHRIEKS ]
You know what?
We'll make better time
if we split up.
We'll stay put here
and you go look in
that spooky and possibly
chicken monster infested kitchen.
Sounds good.
[ GROWL, COMMOTION, SCREAM ]
What did you see?
I'm going to k*ll you all!
Katie?
c*ck-a-doodle doo!
Aahh...
Aaah! Waah!
Aaah!...
Wa! Wa! Wa!
Waaah!
Weeyaaah!
Yah! Yah!
Bucaw!
[ WOOD CRACKING ]
Uwooo!
Aaaw-wo-wo-aah!
Ha ha!
What are you waiting for?
k*ll it, beat it to death!
Wait, wait a second!
[ INCOHERENT ATTEMPT TO TALK ]
Carl Junior, it's me, Arbie.
I know somewhere
deep within the bowels
of this creature you've become,
lives the soul
of the beautiful
r*cist,
animal f*cking,
inbred trailer trash
I know and loved!
So please tell us!
How do we stop them?
Whiskey!
[ EXHALES ]
Carl, I need you to focus!
First, tell me how to k*ll them and
then I'll give you a drink.
[ SIGHS ]
Alcohol, Arbie, alcohol!
Fine, be an as*h*le!
[ GAGGING ]
[ SIZZLING / POPPING ]
Okay, you got
your booze now, rummy,
tell us, how do we k*ll them?
I will not be ignored!
Come on, you b*stard!
- Arbie!
Arbie...
it's dead.
f*ck!
Well now we
may never know!
[ CRASH ]
- That sounded like a feathered,
market tested
corporate mascot
crashing through the back door!
To the kitchen!
Waah!
Oy vey!
Micki!
What happened?
We thought you escaped.
I tried, almost made it.
I--I got to my car,
and then--then--
[ WENDY CRIES ]
Oh God!
As soon as someone dies,
you forget about Old Arbie
and go back
to your lesbionic ways!
I can't stand to watch this.
I'm going back to talk with
the Demon Chicken.
I mean,
at least with
the Demon Chicken,
you know
where you stand!
Oh God!
[ WAILING ]
[ CRYING ]: No! No! Micki!
What did those monsters
do to you?
Let's get you out of this ridiculous,
Colonel Cluck getup!
[ SCREECHES ]
[ SCREECHES ]
- Oh, no!
No, please no!
- [ SQUAWKINGLY]: Kiss me!
God, do you hear this?
"No, no dear God, please No!"
I'm mean give it up Wendy.
Micki is dead!
Ah, ha, haah!
[ ZIPPER ]
[ GROWLING ]
[ WENDY SCREAMS ]
No!
One minute
she's with me,
then next minute
she's all melodramatic
about her dead girlfriend!
Girls, they are
so f*cking fickle!
It--it drives me nuts!
I hear ya' dog!
But there is the off-chance that
Micki has turned into a demon
and is trying to k*ll Wendy right now!
[ WENDY SCREAMING IN BACKGROUND ]
I doubt that!
Rrrr rrrr rrrrh!
[ WENDY SCREAMS ]
You know what?
I'm going to suck it up,
and I'm going to be there for her.
You go, boyfriend!
Aaaah! Aaah!
Oh God Wendy!
That is just sick,
having sex with a corpse!
No you moron,
she's turned into
one of the demons!
Duh!
Oh? Oh!
Get off my girlfriend,
you casino owner...
carpet munching...
demon!
Aaaah!
How do I get you off?
I will get you off!
I'll beat you off!
Yeah!
I'll beat it!
I will choke the chicken!
I'm gonna choke the chicken!
Come-off,
Please God come--
Aaahh!
Well, looks like
my job here is done.
Aah!
- Aaah!
Yah!
yah ha!
Thirsty?
Well, how about some punch?
Eyah!
[ CHOKING ]
[ STILL CHOKING]:
Humus, help us!
Aha!
Ah!
¶ [ ARABIC CHANT BEGINS ]
Ah?
Egh?
Bwa?
Augh?
[ SQUAWK]
Hyuh!
- Watch, everyone, look at her!
Wait a minute,
wait a minute!
Aaah!
By the power of Allah:
I have the power! [ ECHOING ]
[ SQUAWK ]
Please don't hurt us!
Bwaah!
Ha ha ha ha!
Look at Barry Bonds now!
Ah, stand behind me, children,
and marvel at
the power of the Christ!
The power of the Christ compels ya!
The power of the Christ compels ya!
The box office power
of Mel Gibson,
compels ya!
Uh-uh.
Hail Satan?
- No! God damn it,
you need some soul!
[ BOWELS RELEASE ]
Mazel Tov!
Ha Ha Ha Haah!
Silly Priest!
Everyone knows there's no
such thing as Jesus.
[ HECKLES ]
Okay, let's approach them
in a slow and menacing way.
Arbie, look!
Beer!
Wendy you f*cking drunk!
Now is not the time!
Huh!
Wendy?
Do you remember when
I asked the Carl Junior zombie
how to k*ll the monsters,
and he was like: "Alcohol,"
then he died?
Well, I was thinking,
what if he wasn't really
being a d*ck
and he was
trying to tell me
that alcohol
kills the them?
Now, The reason
I think this is
when we first
met the Chief
he was drunk
and couldn't form
a coherent sentence.
Then,
when the Paco Bell sandwich
told me that Indians
had possessed the chickens
and the only way to stop them
was to use their
one true weakness,
well, that got me thinking.
Well, not really,
I was still picturing you
going down on Micki--
But!
then when you said:
"Arbie look, beer!"
and I accuse you of
being a f*cking drunk,
that got me thinking,
that Native Americans have
an intolerance for--
I did it!
I k*lled them!
We're alive!
I knew it!
Alcohol!
Everyone knows Native Americans
are f*cking drunks.
I mean,
as soon as
the Indians were tricked
into becoming addicted to the
white man's fermented beverages,
it spelled disaster for these
proud, proud people.
I mean, that's their one true weakness.
Oh, next to small pox,
of course!
[ CLUCK CHEERING ]
Huh?
Aaah!
This Buds for you!
Tastes great less filling!
Tap into the Rockies, b*tch!
Yeah!
Looks like a pump,
feels like a sneaker!
Ch, ch, ch, Chia,
m*therf*ckers!
Ch, ch, ch, Chiaaa!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
[ TOGETHER ]: Whoo hoo!
Awesome!
Yes, yes!
Wha? sh*t!
sh*t, it's stuck!
- The keg is out!
- God Dammit!
Hey!
Humus didn't you die?
No time to explain.
Follow me!
Let's go!
[ MAYHEM ]
[ INALES LOUDLY ]
Oah!
Huh!
Aoh!
Ewh!
Augh!
Hah!
[ CHILD CRYING ]:
Why'd you hurt them?
The little girl!
[ BLOWS THRICE ]
This... this is an egg!
Guys, guys, this is--is an egg here,
it's not Katie.
[ CRYING ]
- I found her!
Don't be afraid little Katie,
we won't let anything bad happen to you.
That's right.
We won't let those awful
chickens do to you
what they did to your mother's
bloody, decapitated corpse.
Mommy!
[ CRYING ]
Arbie! Why would you say
something like that?
Yeah, Counter gir-rl !
What would make you say
somethin' like that?
It's Ariel Sharon!
Oh!
[ DEEP EVIL LAUGHTER ]
[ CLUCKING ]
[ SCREECHING ]
- Dear God, no!
Arbie, we're trapped.
We're dead!
I know, Wendy.
But I just want you
to know that:
I realize now
why you left me.
Besides the fact
that I had the social skills
and mental skills of a
sh*t-covered mongoloid,
I...
I had no drive,
no ambition;
I used my parent's disabilities as, ah,
an excuse to avoid college,
to avoid growing up.
What I know is:
you need a man,
not a boy.
A man to drive you.
A man to inspire you.
A man support you
in the emotional way,
not the financial way,
just to make that clear.
A man to complete you.
A--
[ CLEARING THROAT ]
You...hu...rrrrh--
Give me one more minute,
okay, just one more minute.
Oh--
A man to love and to respect you.
Even if that man you chose, was a woman!
Mmmh?
- If we make it through this,
I want you to know that
I can be that woman.
I could--
Shhh!
You had me from
'sh*t-covered mongoloid.'
Oh, Wendy!
[ LOUDLY EXHALES ]
Oh--
Dinner!
[ LAUGHS ]
Wauah--
¶ Frightening human faces,
bodies strewn about,
¶ Would you like a last request,
¶ Before I peck your eyeballs out?
¶ Mr. Chicken have compassion,
¶ Before our bones you start mashin'!
¶ Can't you see that we're in love?
¶ Sorry I don't give a f*ck!
¶ We just came to f*ck sh*t up!
¶ You show no love for the red skin man,
¶ You came, you saw, you r*ped our land!
¶ You white devils are a fiendish breed,
¶ You know not love, just death and greed!
¶ But I love Arbie, yes it's true,
¶ The Indians and chickens we love them too!
¶ Bullshit, that's just pillow talk,
¶ You lied to us at Plymouth Rock!
¶ The last thing you hear is our squawk!
¶ The white man has destroyed our race,
¶ You spit in Mother Nature's face!
¶ Flightless birds you love to eat,
¶ Consume you now
¶ The new
¶ White
¶ Meat!
¶ [AMERIND CHANT BEGINS ] ¶...
Oh!--
[ GURGLINGS ]
I'll be with you in just a minute,
I, ohhh!--
Oh, I got a little gas, I just got a--
[ DIARRHEA ]
[ FARTING ]
I just got a...
bit of acid reflux.
I just--
He's going to blow!
Waaaaaaah!
[ MULTIPLE POPS AND SPLATS ]
[ CLUCKING IN BACKGROUND ]
Well that was anti-climactic.
- Yeah.
I guess he couldn't handle Mexican!
Paco you're a hero!
Actually Arbie, he's a grinder.
No, that's how he died;
he's a sub.
I may like to be
filled with semen,
but I ain't no submarine!
Hey, enough of
these sandwich jokes--
But we're on a roll!
No, I am!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ ALL LAUGH ]
[ MAYHEM ]
They're coming in!
Well guys,
we have a choice:
we can either
escape out back--and in time,
the demons will take over the world;
or we can stand-up and fight
and--and we try to save humanity.
I'm kind of leanin'
towards the former.
We can't let them
destroy America!
I say we fight!
Destroy America?
Over my dead body!
[ TEARING CLOTH ]
¶ [MIDDLE EASTERN DRUM ] ¶...
[ BEEPING ]
God Dammit!
Holy Mother of God!
Humus so you're hot!
I just want to f*ck you!
Give me head, right now!
No! No, there must be
another way!
Go Arbie, you and Wendy must go on.
Let your love blossom.
and always remember:
judge not,
lest you be judged yourself!
I k*ll myself
so that democracy can survive!
May Allah bless America!
[ BEEPING INTENSIFIES ]
Die, mother f*ck!
[ ULULATES ]
Paco, let's go!
-No, I 'm staying.
America isn't ready to accept
a g*y Mexican, chicken sandwich!
Oh, crap!
I forgot to punch-out my time card.
I'll be right back.
- No!
[ expl*si*n ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
[ COUGHING ]
Humus did it!
She martyred
herself to eradicate the
chicken-slash-Native-American menace!
Oh Humus,
I hope you get
those 72 Virginians,
because they are for lovers!
Woooooah!
[ SCREAMS ]
- The Chief! He's turned into
one of the undead!
[ VOMITING ]
Nah, he's just loaded.
Let's go home!
You just
lie down now, honey.
Here this will help you relax.
We'll get you to safety.
Oh Arbie, you were so brave!
- We all were.
And by sticking together,
we rid the world of those insidious beasts.
You know it's time we start
living our lives right.
No more dead-end jobs
for Arbie.
We're safe and sound and the
future never looked brighter.
And I've learned that...
protesting big business is
narrow-minded and misguided.
Maybe by pointing my finger
at the corporate elite and
special interest groups
I've just been running away for my own insecurities.
Isn't that right little girl?
Uh-huh!
Ah! Uh!
Ugh!
Arbie, I don't... feel so... good.
[ FARTS ]
Aaah!
- It must be the beer talkin'
-Yeah! -Yeah.
[ CLUCKING ]
[ FARTS ]
[ SCREAMS ]
[ ALL SCREAM ]
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
[ CRASH ]
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
[ SCREAMING ]
[ CRASH ]
[ expl*si*n]
...¶ You'll be into life,
¶ Well, let's all be chickens tonight!
¶ We're all gonna die--
¶ So think twice,
¶ about where you lead!
¶ Think twice,
¶ about eating meat!
¶ Don't k*ll,
¶ little baby chickens!
¶ Be nice,
¶ and try to find a
¶ brand new solution,
¶ It's of a chicken resolution!
¶ [LAUGHING ]
¶ Poultrygeist!
¶ We're all gonna die--
¶ Poultrygeist!
¶ We all keep k*lling them--
Poultrygeist!
¶ Well let's all stop k*lling--
¶ You'll be eaten alive
¶ by zombie chickens tonight!
¶ We're all gonna die--
¶ You're all gonna die--
¶ You're all gonna die--
¶ Whoo-ooo!
¶ We're all gonna die!
[ END SONG ]
¶...
¶ All these fried chicken wings
that I'm serving,
¶ They make me yearn
¶ for your breasts,
legs and thighs.
¶ And my hunger for you
is unswerving,
¶ Without you my heart stops
¶ and my heart dies.
¶ All these protests and speeches
I'm making,
¶ To end all this chicken suffering
and slaughter.
¶ His only response
¶ is that I'm faking,
¶ Yeah, that I'm g*y,
¶ just like d*ck Cheney's daughter.
¶ My need and your buns
make such special sauce--
¶ g*y seems my way
to quote Robert Frost.
¶ It could have been nostalgia
for all that is lost,
¶ Could it be that
our love is star-crossed?
¶ Whoa-oooo
¶ I sure miss getting
my salad tossed.
¶ 'Cause you are my fries,
and your shake makes me shiver,
¶ You're my Happy Meal
sent from above.
¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver,
¶ A heavenly slow,
fast food love?
¶ Since that night
all I have is self-pleasure,
¶ Bumping uglies
real hard we did grind,
¶ With tissue and hand cream
I can try to remember,
¶ How you stuffed this thing,
how you stuffed this thing up my behind.
¶ With my partner
in bed I am yearning,
¶ To get pleasure and passion
that's the truth.
¶ Only thoughts of you
get me burning,
¶ Memories of your beef
make me stew.
¶ If hearts were like chickens,
yours I'd defrost,
¶ To reclaim true love,
what is the cost?
¶ It could be nostalgia
for all that is lost,
¶ Could it be that our love
is star crossed?
¶ Whoa-oooo
¶ I sure miss gettin'
my salad tossed.
¶ 'Cause you are my fries,
and your shake makes me shiver,
¶ You're my Happy Meal
sent from above.
¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver,
¶ A heavenly slow,
fast food love?
¶ Come on, let mine out!
¶ 'Cause you are my fries,
and your shake makes me shiver,
¶ You're my Happy Meal
sent from above.
¶ Can this drive-thru called life deliver,
¶ A heavenly slow,
fast food love?
¶ I want a piece of you
¶ Shake me hard,
top with flour--
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Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)
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