Undead or Alive (2007)

[bunniefuu]

Pie's ready.

Pa's drunk again.

If you've been drinking devil juice

instead of working the back fields again,
Ben Goodman,

you're getting no berry pie tonight.
No dessert, neither!

Ben?

No! No! No!

Go away, Ben!

- Make him stop, Mama!
- Hush, baby!

Mama's going to save you!

Rye.

Where's the piano player?

He got shot.

I do.

She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes

She'll be coming around the mountain
when she comes

She'll be coming around the mountain

She'll be coming around the mountain

She'll be coming around the mountain
when she comes

Show us your tittles!

We'll all go out to meet her when she comes

When she comes

We'll all go out to meet her when she comes

When she comes

We'll all go out to meet her

We'll all go out to meet her

We'll all go out to meet her when she comes

Get your filthy eyeballs
off my princess, mister!

I'm just playing the piano here, kid.

Get up, take your licking like a man.

Anybody ever tell you,
if you mind your own business,

you won't get kicked in the ba*ls?

I'm not goanna just sit there
and watch your soil my princess.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, kid,
but she ain't your princess.

She's a wh*re.

Why, you potty-mouth son of a b*tch.

No. No.

Yeah! Get him!

You little leg-humpers just made me
put a hole in my own ceiling.

Now, how you gonna pay for that?

It's awful loud when you sh**t that g*n off,
and it scares the sh*t out of everybody.

You say another word,

and I'm gonna sh**t that jaw
clean off your face.

Then I'm gonna take a sh*t
in your chin hole.

Get up, Cletus, we got paying customers.

All right, Sheriff. Let me find the keys.

What did I tell you
about drinking on the job?

- Check their boots.
- You heard the man! Boots!

Oh, no!

- You had a knife on you?
- I didn't stick you with it.

You should have said something, though.

I'll be holding onto this for you.

Is there gonna be a trial?
Because I would like to have me a lawyer.

- Get them!
- Move!

Heck, can we at least have our boots back?

You ain't walking nowhere.

What the hell happened to him?

You wanna watch out for old Ben.

k*lled his own wife and daughter last week.
Sucked their brains out.

Ate them like pudding.

Had holes right in the top of their heads,
about yay big.

And he must have still been hungry
'cause he ate his own tongue, right after.

We're fixing to hang old Ben in the morning.

Ain't that right, old Ben?
You're fixing to dangle.

I'll deal with you two after the hanging.

These here's some fancy boots, fancy man.

Yeah. I'm kindly fond of them.

Claypool gonna horsewhip you two
so bad tomorrow,

you're gonna wish
it was you that was being hanged.

Gonna leave you hanging on the rail.

You ain't even gonna know who it is

coming up in the dark
to take a dig at your dirt mine.

But don't worry.

When it's my turn,
I'll be sure to whisper something sweet.

This day is turning out terrible.

Dang it, Ben, amigo.

You've gotta knock that off,
it's starting to get on a feller's nerves!

You think old Cletus there is asleep yet?

Cletus!

Yeah, he was still sleeping.

Now we gotta wait some more to make sure.
Plus, you woke up old Ben there.

Yeah, Ben's all right for a brain eater.

Ain't you, Ben?

Oh, jeez, quiet, Ben!

I don't see why it matters, though.
We ain't got the key.

- What are you? Some kind of thief?
- I'm a retired soldier.

Well, how come you got
all those tools up your sleeves?

I'm training to be a dentist.

You coming, ponyboy?

Name's Luke. Luke Budd.
I owe you one, mister.

Elmer Winslow.
We'll do the meet-and-greet later.

Get your boots.

Hush, Ben, hush!

Yeah. Just shut up!

No, I want my boots.

- Put these on.
- I ain't wearing those!

Well, you're gonna wake him up
if you try to get yours off him.

Yep.

I'm gonna need my boots.

What are we gonna do with him?

You don't have to whisper anymore,
he's awake.

- We'll lock him up.
- He's gonna make a racket.

Yeah, well,
guess we'll have to cut his throat.

- We can't do that!
- I'm kidding. We'll gag him.

You got a gag handy?

Sorry we have to leave you here.

But it just ain't right to eat
your wife and daughter's brains.

Plus, you're really disgusting.

I don't want to spend
any more time with you.

You two stay out of trouble.

All I gotta do is get Frisky,
we can hightail it out of here.

- Your horse is named Frisky?
- Yeah.

Got a problem with that?

- Sounds like a girl's horse, that's all.
- It ain't.

- What's the name of your horse?
- I don't know. I haven't stole it yet.

I'm not leaving without my money.

I ain't gonna let you face
that mean sheriff alone.

- Why not?
- Heck, I figure we're partners now.

I mean, we are partners now, right?

Breaking out of jail and all.
We're practically an outlaw g*ng.

Yeah, I guess.

I always wanted to be in a g*ng.

What's going on in there?

Oh, man!

What is it?

Oh, man.

- Oh, man!
- What?

He's kissing on my princess
and she's kissing right back!

The hooker?

Dang it, Elmer, will you quit saying that?

We were gonna get married,
settle down, have some young'uns.

Heck, we already found a place
that we both fell in love with.

It's a fixer-upper, it's on the edge of town.

But the realtor, he said, "You ain't
even close to the top of the market. ' '

We were gonna put up a white picket fence.

And, you know, the value would go up,
that's what, the value would go up.

Do you need a minute?

No. No. No. I don't need a minute.

Yeah. Yeah, I need a minute.

I don't know. I can't take this pain.

You good?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm good.

- They didn't see you?
- No. No, they didn't see me at all.

All right then. When I say go...

Get your hands in the air,
you necking devils!

This here's a stickup!

Hi, there, cowboy!

You. You Jezebel, you.

Swinging your big, beautiful bosoms
around at every man in town!

Oh, honey.
I got enough bosoms for everybody.

I'm looking at dead men.

Give me my boot knife.

Hand over my $500
and you'll never see me again.

- Kid, what about you?
- No, I wanna keep hanging out.

As a g*ng!

I mean, does he owe you any money?

I gave it all to that harlot
for a down payment on our dream house.

Pay my partner here
whatever the lady owes him

and, say, another $100
for his pain and suffering.

Oh, you haven't even seen
the start of pain and suffering.

Where's the money?

Go ahead. sh**t her.

It's in his safe.

I bet now you're gonna say
you forgot the combination.

Well, guess what? It don't matter,
because my partner here is a dentist!

Open it.

If you promise not to follow us,
I won't sh**t you right now.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

sh*t!

Darn it, Frisky!
I'm trying to make a getaway!

Son of a b*tch!

He bit me!

God damn it, Cletus!

Now you see why I don't give you a raise?

You let those pig f*ck loose
to steal my retirement fund!

I was $1,000 away
from that Mexican sugar plantation!

$1,000 away
from ever seeing your fat a*s again!

Oh, f*ck!

I think I ate some bad chili.

What did I tell you about eating off a cart?

I'd sh**t your sick a*s right now,

but everybody in town's
coming to see you sh*t your pants!

God damn!

Oh, man, he did
bite the sh*t out of you, didn't he?

What the f*ck are you doing, Cletus?

Oh, I'm sorry, Sheriff!
I don't know what come over me!

- Oh, it hurts! It hurts!
- Cletus, get a hold of yourself!

We gotta hang this fool and raise a posse,
you f*cking...

You're gonna wanna put something on that.

- How much of a lead you reckon we got?
- A few hours. They'll be coming, though.

Well, in case they catch up,

I got Sparkles and I got Sunshine.

You name everything you own
something girly?

A p*stol's gotta have a girl's name.

You don't walk around calling your g*n Ed
or Darrell or Jimbo, okay?

That don't sound right.

I feel pretty good about old Henry here.

Yeah, I bet I can sh**t anything
with my two twins

that you can with your stupid Henry.

Go ahead, set up a tin can.

We're in the middle of the virgin wilderness.
Where am I gonna find a tin can?

There's one.

Oh.

Just try to hit the can.

I was so close! Let me go again!

- Wait a minute.
- What?

We're making an awful lot of racket.

Oh, this was my idea.

I hope you don't think
that I'm a bad partner.

I'm really trying hard to be a good partner.

No, it's my fault.
I ain't quite as dumb as you.

"As dumb as you, partner. ' '

Ebenezer, can you please
stop ringing that f*cking bell?

Do you give yourself over
to the mercy of Christ?

The Lord is my shepherd,

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

Move it along, padre.

Thou anointest my head with oil,

my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy
shall follow me...

Amen! I'm a man of the cloth.

The villains who robbed
my place of business

have been gone since right before dawn!

Any man who wants to come with me
to hunt them down

gets his share in the reward!

We leave in one hour!

I'm in.
Count me in, too.

How well do you know this area?

I know this country
like the back of my hand.

What's the Colorado River,
about two days' ride?

Um...

Yep.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We'll ride together as far as the Colorado,
then we'll split up.

They'll be looking for two people, not one.

- Split up for good?
- Yeah, that's the idea.

I mean, it's been a pleasure and everything,

but we can't spend
the rest of our lives together.

But I thought we were partners.

I mean, I went through
a real hard time back there.

Real hard.

I mean, you were there for me, Elmer.

I'm just learning how to trust again.

I thought cowboys
were supposed to like being alone.

We do. We do.

We like it out here on the open range,
under the stars.

- Must have been a deer.
- Hope so.

'Cause Indians, they don't make noise.
They creep up on you, cut your throat.

Or sometimes, I hear they sneak up on you
and jab a spear in your belly,

stick you in the ground,
watch you wiggle like a bug.

Or sometimes, I hear they slide up
next to you, real quiet like,

with a bag with a rattlesnake in it,
with the rattler broken off,

and they throw the bag over your head.

- Or sometimes...
- For Christ's sake, kid. Go to sleep.

I don't know how I'm gonna sleep
with all that terrible stuff in my head.

Hey, Elmer?

What?

You got any britches on?

No, I ain't got any britches on.

Yeah, me, neither.

I'm gonna try to talk to her.

- How!
- How.

- Oh, yeah. This is working.
- I think she knows English, Luke.

You speak White Man?

Speak White Man fluently.

Oh, darn, she's good.

I don't even know
what that last word means.

We friend.

Where'd you get the money?

We're US Marshals.
We're transporting it to Nevada City.

And if you let us go,
no harm will come to you.

Fine, we stole it.

Who'd you steal it from?

Sheriff from a town a ways back.
Fellow named Claypool, he's not a nice man.

In fact, I'd bet everything in those bags
he's on his way here now with a posse.

His deputy's a dirt miner.

How come you speak
such good English, anyway?

- I went to boarding school in New York.
- I've been to New York.

- I didn't like it.
- Terrible place.

- Good Chinese, though.
- Yeah, but crowded.

Well...

Wait, wait. Please, don't leave!
You can have the money, just cut us loose.

What's that say?

"US Army. ' '

That is our nation's armed forces.

- I'm a deserter!
- What do you want, a medal?

A deserter?

You stinking coward!
I never would have thought that!

My partner, a deserter!

It's not what you think, kid. It's no parade.

You know what it is.

I've seen nations driven off their land,
people k*lled in cold blood.

I've done some bad things, I have,
but I quit doing them.

And he's just a brokenhearted cowboy

that don't know his a*s
from a bag of sweet potatoes.

What is that, the same as yams?

Don't leave us here to die.

There are three of them now.

- How can you tell?
- The smell!

Oh, what is that?

Pumpkin, cinnamon.

Yeah. Yeah, spicy.

- Yet, it's somehow meaty at the same time.
- Yeah.

Hey, Sheriff? Are you all okay?

It smells like

a happy childhood I never did have.

Oh, God, what is that?

It's a girl!

Oh, damn.

Never knew they smelled so delicious.

Yeah. Makes you kind of hungry, don't it?

I could eat a horse.

We gotta ride those, f*ck-t*rd!

No! No! No!

No! No! Please! Please!

Oh, he's close to me.

The Rapture is coming.

Judgment day! Judgment day!

Well, then we'd better break out
the good stuff.

You'd better pay heed, little sister.

The four horsemen ride.
The dead, they walk among us.

Oh, God, it was true!

See?

Bet you wish I would have left you
for that mean sheriff, huh?

I'll take a blistered a*s
over a b*llet any day.

Oh, well, it's the back of my ba*ls
I'd be worried about.

Yeah, they're getting pretty raw.

Where are you taking us, anyway?

I haven't decided.

Where are your people?

I don't have any people.

What the hell are you doing out here, sister?

There are army units
that'll sh**t you on sight.

I know.

Geronimo was my uncle.

- You're famous?
- Shut up, Luke.

Oh, man, my nose itches so bad.

When I was five years old,
missionaries k*lled my parents.

They brought me back East
as their pet savage to civilize me.

And I learned how their army
hunted my uncle like an animal.

Till a unit cornered him about a year ago
and he threw himself off a cliff.

- He made an Injun curse on all white people.
- Yeah. Well, you're not dead yet.

It's supposed to be
the worstest bad medicine ever.

- What, you guys don't believe in curses?
- Not really.

Sorry, kid.

That's ignorant.

I'm gonna k*ll every one of those soldiers
if it takes me the rest of my life.

What if I told you
I know where that unit's garrisoned?

How would you know that?

That's where we were headed
when I deserted.

I still can't believe you did that.

It's bullshit.

I can get you close.

Oh, God! My nose, it itches so much!

You f*ck with me and I will k*ll you.

Oh! Thank you.

- Ow.
- Luke.

Look, I can't feel my hands!

I have to apologize for my friend.
He's not too smart.

He's kind of cute, though.

Yeah, he does have that going for him.

I take it your name's Elmer?

- Yep. What's yours?
- Sue.

Like, Sioux Indian?

No. Like Susan.

Like Susan Indian?

Susan, meet Luke.

Elmer?

Yeah?

- You think we could trust her?
- Well, she just decided not to k*ll us.

All right. All right.
I was just asking your opinion

because I respect you as my partner and all.

She's awful pretty, though, ain't she?
For an Indian, I mean.

For an Indian. Plus, she thinks you're cute.

You think she really meant that?

Maybe she's just saying it.

I don't know, Luke.
You can't ever tell with an Indian.

Heck, I can't even tell with real people.

Hey!

They're behind us. We gotta get down.

Hey, I got an idea.

Spit it out, kid.

What if we all bushwhack them?

We ride up through that canyon.

You set up on one side with your r*fle,
I'll set up on the other with my bow.

And I'll jump up from behind a bush
with my six-shooters and yell,

"Stick 'em up
or I'll blow you all to tarnation. ' '

Or, "I'll sh**t you so full of holes,

"ain't nobody
gonna use your hide for nothing,

"especially not for toting water. ' '

- Or...
- All right, so you'll bore them to death.

I don't have to sh**t them, do I?

Why not? They're coming to k*ll you.

All right, we'll sh**t them if we have to.
I'd rather just send them home.

You know, I'm starting to think
that you two are a couple of ladybugs.

No, I'm a cowboy. He's a dentist.

I've seen enough k*lling.

I ain't seen none of it actually,
but I don't want to see it.

All right. Fine.
I'll save it for your nation's armed forces.

- We got a plan?
- We got a plan.

Nice work, kid.

- Hey, Sue?
- Yeah.

There's something I want to give you.
You know, in case we don't make it.

It's beautiful.

Open it.

Thank you.

I hope they know where they're going.

Something smells good out there.

Hey, where'd that come from?

Reach for the sky
or you'll be so peppered with lead,

I could serve you for dinner
with carrots and taters and no pie!

I said, reach for the sky...

Hey!

That's what you get
when you mess with me and my girls!

What the hell's going on?

- They all got the Geronimos!
- sh**t them in the head!

f*ck that! Run!

Ain't nobody here.

Good. We need supplies.
Get food, matches, blankets, b*ll*ts.

Are y'all gonna admit
I was right about the curse?

Yeah, they have it.

Great, they've got the Geronimos.
What I want to know is how we k*ll them.

You can't k*ll them,
that's the whole point, dummy!

No, maybe we can.

Undo the bad medicine
with a counter-curse?

Build a sweat lodge and purify our spirits
by hitting each other with sticks?

No, the medicine can't be undone,

but the carriers lose their power
if you sh**t them in the head.

- How do you know?
- My uncle told me when I was little.

I thought it was just a story.

That is a heck of a story to tell a kid!

Wasn't there anything about a bunny

or a train with good self-esteem
or anything?

If they bite you
or wound you with their hands,

they give it to you
and you become one of them.

You do not want that.

I sure as heck don't.

I just feel really bad
about robbing these people.

You're not robbing them.
You're their new favorite customer.

Get away, dog! Get away!

Why are you poking me, Sue?

I ain't Sue. You were the one poking me.

Where's Sue?

Probably down at the spring.

I'm gonna get some water.

Sorry.

Here, fill that up.

Sorry!

You don't look that sorry.

I'm not that sorry.

Actually, I'm not sorry at all.

Well, are you just gonna stand there
staring at me?

Would that be all right?

It'd be better if you got in here with me.

Less than a day's ride that way, right, kid?

Uh...

Yeah, I think so.

What do you mean, you think so?

I thought you knew this country
like the back of your hand.

Well, that's an expression, Elmer.

I mean, how well do you really know
the back of your hand?

Not as well as you're gonna get to know it
if you don't give me a straight answer.

Hey! Stop it, both of you.

The Colorado has to be that way
because that way is west.

You wait a minute.

You have at least been there, right, kid?
The Colorado?

Well, I haven't been there personally, no,
but, you know, I have seen it on a map.

You've seen it on a map?

What about you? You been there?
The Colorado?

Well, yeah, when I was little,
but at this point I'm from New York.

If you're from New York,
how come you can ride a horse

and sh**t a bow and arrow so good?

Because at boarding school
they had activities.

Riding, archery, fencing.

Listen, I still want to k*ll all those
soldiers, but I think I'll take a rain check.

Right now I want to get as far away
as possible from that posse of yours.

I heard that.

Let's ride. This way.

But that's the same way
I've been saying all along, Elmer.

sh*t-fire. Ain't no b*ll*ts!

Why are we at the Grand Canyon?

The Colorado River
is at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

Is this news to both of you?

Geography wasn't my thing.

More of an arts and music guy.

I was remedial.

Yeah, but everybody knows
that the Colorado River

is at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

I thought you were taking me
to a fort at a crossing.

Sue, please don't yell.

He's the one that told you about
the army and the fort and all that stuff.

That was the first time I ever heard of it.

- You were lying?
- No, I wasn't lying.

He's the one that's supposed to know
this country like the back of his hand.

I figured once we found the Colorado,
it's either left or right to the fort.

Personally, I was gonna go straight

and let you take it from there with
your suicide plot against the US Army.

I should have left you two for the cursed.

It's your crazy Uncle Geronimo
who set them loose.

So I don't see how either one of us
is to blame for our problems right now.

You want to blame me for my uncle's curse?

I'm not the one
that drove him off a cliff, soldier.

And if I hadn't found you two idiots,
they would have.

I hope this plague
kills all of you white people.

I ain't that big a fan
of white people, either, sister.

At least we've got f*cking wheels.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Wheels! The basic benchmark of civilization.

When you Indians are supposed to be
so great and wise and everything,

and I got sympathy for your situation, I do,

but you'd still be dragging
everything around on the ground

if we hadn't brung wheels to this country.

And horses! f*cking Spanish brought you
your f*cking horses. You know that?

Before they got here,
you was just a bunch of savages in diapers

dragging your sh*t around
on sticks and blankets.

Well, that is so ignorant!

Seems like you like our g*ns
pretty well, too,

and I ain't even gonna start
with the firewater sh*t.

Did you invent the wheel, Elmer?
No, you didn't.

But you're going to take personal credit
for Western civilization.

Your monkey ancestors
happened to be born in an area

with abundant founder crops,
big slow ruminants,

and a lateral continental axis
that allowed the development

of agriculture, writing
and maritime technology.

Not to mention cross-species plagues,

which were the real weapons
of European conquest.

So you invented smallpox.
Nice going, d*ck!

- Monkey ancestors?
- Oh, Jesus Christ! Read a book!

What the hell kind of crazy book
is that sh*t in?

Elmer Winslow!
You put your hands in the air.

We got you covered from six positions,
you deserting son of a b*tch!

We got him!
Nowhere to go now!

We got you dead to rights!

Keep them hands in the air!

Oh, God! Damn, that hurt!

Oh, sh**t.

Oh!

Oh, shoo, shoo. Go away.

Meat!

Oh, God, they're everywhere.

Oh!

You people know me!

I want fingers!

You know me.

Go, jailbird.

Okay, people, keep your pace up.

I'm telling you, Kermit,

you got worse problems
than me running off.

There's some bad medicine
going around here.

You tell it to the captain, Winslow.

You know he always lets people have
a few last words before the firing squad.

He ain't lying, mister.
Them Geronimonsters are hot on our trail!

They track by scent, like wolves.

If you want to get away from them,
we have to cross the river.

- All right, now you're just making sh*t up.
- No, I'm not.

I just remembered that. They track by scent.

Winslow!

How do you do it?
First you steal our money...

I won your money fair and square.
You're just a bunch of shitty card players.

First you steal our money,

and then, three weeks later,
you already got $10,000 more,

a crazy squaw and a pet cowpoke.

"Squaw" is a really offensive term.

And I don't appreciate
being called nobody's pet.

Well, you're gonna get shot like a dog,
little bucko,

so you might as well get used to it.

See, the captain,
he don't like deserters or Indians.

You're keeping company with one of each.

Open up!

I see I've been missing out
on some good times.

No place like home.

Captain!

I found something I think you're gonna like.

Geronimonsters!

Hurry!

- Get my boot knife.
- Why didn't I think of that?

I need a g*n.

There's one.

It has to be in the head.

Don't you dare sh**t my partner!

No!

Cletus, you gotta start
keeping track of your g*n.

Get out!

Grab Kermit's r*fle!

Elmer!

God damn it!

I thought you said
we just had to sh**t them in the head!

How should I know?
Maybe you have to cut it off.

But you said...

God! Darn!

How we gonna get out of here?

Frisky? Frisky!

Frisky's gone to horsy heaven.
We'll say a few words later.

You monsters! I loved Frisky!

He was the best damn horse
in the whole world and you ate him!

Wait. We don't have to get out of here.
We have to get them out of here.

- How we gonna get them to leave?
- She's right. This place is defensible.

We make them chase us.
Elmer, get the gate. Go!

Come on, let's go!

You'd better let us back in!

Come back here.

Just wanna give you a little licking.

God damn it! Please, put me down!

Pole on!

Pole!

Go! Go! Go away!

- Go over there!
- Oh, God.

Shoo! Skit! Skedaddle!

I don't believe that's gonna do the trick.

My uncle said nothing
will make them abandon their prey.

Well, he wasn't right
about sh**ting them in the head.

Yeah, I put enough lead in old Cletus' skull
to start a pencil factory,

and he was still giving out piggyback rides.

Oh, I said maybe you have to cut it off.

You can't just make up new rules
whenever you feel like it.

So I guess you guys don't wanna hear
how I also remembered

how you can cure yourself
if you get the curse.

Oh, that we wanna hear.

I'm listening.

You can cure yourself of the bad medicine

by eating the living flesh
of the medicine man who made it.

- Your uncle's dead.
- Yeah.

- So that doesn't help.
- No.

So what's the point of remembering
something if it doesn't do any good?

- I didn't say it would do any good.
- You implied it.

All right! Let's not fight, y'all.

We're all gonna starve
or have our brains eaten,

we might as well be friends.

Are you crying?

No, I'm a cowboy. Cowboys don't cry.

Is he okay?

He's been through a hard time.

Look,

I wanted to tell you,

I'm sorry about the wheels and everything.

I know.

I'm gonna go.

Send down some sawbones.

What are you looking at?

Why don't y'all just eat each other?

Stop it. Stop it.

Go away!

- It's me.
- I know it's you.

Elmer wouldn't bother a feller
at a time like this.

I'm not trying to bother you.
I just wanted to see if you're okay.

I'm not okay, okay? I'm not!

I'm not okay, okay?

- You know, we're all scared.
- I'm not scared.

You think I'm crying because I'm scared?

That's embarrassing.

Well, then, what's the matter?

Frisky.

Frisky's what's the matter.
I just can't believe he's gone.

Do you still have my locket?

I mean your locket, the one I gave you?

Yeah, of course I still have the locket.

Could I see it?

Yeah, you can have it back if you want.

No, no, I don't want it back.
I just want to see it for a minute.

Okay, sure.

Sue, you are the sweetest Indian girl
I have ever met.

I suppose you've met a lot of Indian girls.

No, you're the first.

That didn't come out right.

What I'm trying to say...

Jump on the door!

Jump on the door! Jump on the door!

So, where were we?

Oh, my God! No way!

You need a light?

Yeah, I'd be much obliged.

Even though you're a cheater,
I propose we make one last deal.

What you got in mind?

You pay back what you owe

and I'll let you smoke that cigarette
while you watch me eat your eyeballs.

That's why you're lousy at cards, Kermit.

You don't think ahead.

How's that?

If you eat my eyeballs,
I can't watch you eat them.

We just smashed the head off one
in the cellar.

It was disgusting.

Hey, we haven't eaten in about, what?
A whole day?

How about we mix up some grub, you know?

Make us one of those
last tasty supper meal things

down at the pot-bellied stove in the yard?

I got a better idea.

Hey, Sue!

God damn it, Cletus!
What are you doing out there?

Making a 10-pound a*s baby?

I'm sorry, Sheriff.

I was trying to pee.

How did that go, genius?
You figure it all out?

I think that thing we got
might be worse than what we thought.

Why the f*ck are you handing me
a dead baby field mouse?

It ain't a dead baby field mouse!

You just made me touch your p*nis!
Men have died for less!

I know!

f*ck!

What the f*ck are we gonna do
about my legs?

All right, Sue, go search the captain's
office for cutlery, small metal objects.

- Knives, forks, nails, anything like that.
- Okay.

All right, so, what's the plan?

- You ever heard of a blunderbuss?
- No.

It's an early short-range weapon,
a primitive wide-mouth shotgun.

You pack your powder in there and dump in
a bunch of tacks or whatever and boom.

Doesn't go very far
but you got a target radius of about 10 feet.

Okay. What's that gotta do
with this here stove?

We're making a really big blunderbuss.

Luke! Elmer! There's still one in here!

You hear something?

I hear them dummies out there
hollering for brains.

I thought I heard something.

What's she doing in there, shoeing a horse?

- She found some silverware, at least.
- A little help!

There's still one in there.

Open the door!

You don't want to get serious with a girl
who can fight like that.

Why not?

- Thanks for the help.
- We were trying to get in.

- Looks like he's really dead.
- Yeah, sure does.

Okay, so... Swords.

I'm gonna need that.

I think it's full.

Is that Frisky's leg?

It was the right size.

How dare you?

I'm sorry if it was disrespectful.

I thought he'd want to help.

Yeah.

I guess he would have wanted that.

All right, I'm gonna get some more swords.

All right.

When they bust through that gate,
we'll have one shot with the blunderbuss.

That building back there
is our last line of defense.

- Can I fire the blunderbuss?
- Can you follow directions?

Yes, I can follow directions, Mr. Bossy.

All right, then you can fire the blunderbuss.

When that cross-beam breaks, light the fuse.

Not much longer.

Elmer?

Damn it, Luke!

Swords!

- My God.
- I'll see you in hell, Winslow.

At least they're still dead.

That's a comfort.

And you know what else?
We're all gonna die rich.

This isn't over yet.

It's over.

No, it ain't. It ain't over till we're dead.

We can go down the trap door.

Maybe there's a tunnel
that leads outside the fort.

That'll be great, kid.
You find the tunnel to freedom.

I'm gonna get drunk.

Come on, let's go!

Elmer, let's go!

Take the money!

Forget about the money!

- Elmer told me to take the money.
- Forget the money!

That's what I said! Come on, Elmer!

- You look like sh*t, Claypool.
- I'm still pretty on the inside.

We're gonna see about that.

Damn it, kid.

- Don't do that.
- Why not?

We're in a basement full of ordnance.

- So, this ain't a tunnel?
- Nope.

- Here they come.
- I guess you were right all along, Elmer.

If we're gonna die,
we might as well take them all with us.

Sue, I couldn't tell you before.

I love you.

I wish I could marry you.
I wish I could have your half-breed babies.

You, too, Elmer.

I don't want to marry you.

I just wish
we could keep on being partners forever.

Wait a minute.

Your matches kept going out.

Yeah. Well, I can't seem
to get a break around here,

even on my last day on earth.

He means your matches keep going out,
which means there's wind in here.

- I can feel it.
- We're in your tunnel.

Quick, feel along the walls.
There's gotta be an opening.

You guys are so darn smart.

I found it!

It's back there behind those sacks.

I smell freedom.

- Come on!
- You go.

- No, I am not leaving without you! Come on!
- Go!

You, too.

- Are you sure?
- Run.

Go!

sh*t.

- They got him!
- Elmer?

We have to get out of here.
He's gonna blow the ordnance.

No, no, no. It can't be over.
They can't have gotten him.

If you don't want him to die for nothing,
we have to move.

She told me they got you.
I had to see for myself.

So, light the fuse, kid. Hurry!

I can't hold on.

Thanks, amigo.

How could you, Elmer?

I couldn't help myself, kid.

And besides,
you'll thank me in a few minutes.

Being dead feels better than you think.

- Oh, God, Elmer. I'm so scared.
- Don't be such a p*ssy.

Cletus!

We're on the same team now. The bad guys.

But I still think you're an as*h*le.

You starting to feel hungry, kid?

- Hungry for some brains?
- Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

Let's go find that sassy squaw
and eat her from the inside out.

Give me my money!

It's all right there.

I was gonna go to Mexico.

I was gonna drink rum
and have a house on the beach!

I was gonna own sl*ves, God damn it!

I'm sorry that's not gonna work out for you,
but all your money's right there.

Give it to me now!

I didn't think you made it.

You were right about Elmer.

They got him.

What?

Is there something on my face?

Uh-huh.

Did I get it?

Uh-uh.

How you doing, kid?
I still feel kind of funny.

Just don't cry anymore.

I can cry if I want to. I've been through...

I know you've been through a hard time,

but when you cry,
it makes me uncomfortable.

Well, maybe it's time you get in better touch
with your emotions, Elmer.

Maybe it is.

I've lost two women and a horse
in the last few days.

That is some pretty emotional stuff.

True.

Not to mention,
I thought it was over for the g*ng.

When did you figure it out?

"The living flesh of the medicine man
is the only cure. ' '

As soon as she said that,
I figured we got a chance.

Worse came to worse.

I still got that taste in my mouth.

Molasses?

Something like that. It's like a...

It's like a cinnamon.

- Gingerbread.
- Yeah. It's like gingerbread.

That's a good new name for her horse.

- Gingerbread?
- Yeah. Gingerbread.

- I like it.
- I like it, too.

Darn it, Gingerbread!
I'm trying to ride off into the sunset!

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- We missed you, Daddy.
- I missed you, too.

Come on, Molly.

Marker.

Nose boogers?

And...

- Sorry.
- Cut!

- Sorry.
- Cut.

If you don't want him to die for nothing,
we have to move!

Cut!
Cut!

If you don't want him to die for nothing,
we have to...

Why are you laughing?

Put up your... f*ck! sh*t.

What does that mean?

- Just pretend they're off.
- All right.

- Grab that r*fle.
- sh**t yourself.

All right, cut.

- Sorry.
- Her top broke.

- My top broke.
- We got it from here.

These.

- Be careful.
- I'm okay. Don't ruin the moment.

You don't want to get serious with a girl
who can fight like that.

- Why not?
- 'Cause you're g*y.

- Classic.
- One more, one more.

Still rolling, guys, come on.

Ow!

I don't like this.

This is good 'cause I didn't eat much
last night, so my... I look good.

That feels better.

Coffee and man's sweat. Caffeine and ba*ls.

- I hate you.
- Shut up.

We are partners now, right?

I mean, we just broke out of jail and all.

I mean, we're practically outlaw guys.

- f*ck. Sorry.
- Okay. Cut!

Okay, cut.

- Chris!
- What?

Cut!
Shut up!

You don't want to get serious with a girl
who can fight like that.

Why not?

Cut. All right, that was cool.

Good job, Kattan!