ROBERT WAGNER:
The nominees for
Best Performance by an Actress
in a Motion Picture -- Drama
are...
ANN-MARGRET: Glenn Close,
"Fatal Attraction."
[ Applause ]
ROBERT WAGNER:
Faye Dunaway, "Barfly."
[ Applause ]
ANN-MARGRET:
Sally Kirkland, "Anna."
[ Applause ]
ROBERT WAGNER: Rachel Levin,
"Gaby: A True Story."
[ Applause ]
ANN-MARGRET:
Barbra Streisand, "Nuts."
[ Applause ]
And the winner is...
...Sally Kirkland.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I cant believe this.
Ive been acting 25 years,
and everyones been saying
hang in, and now I know why.
Oh, I am so honored.
This is to
the Hollywood Foreign Press.
I know it's supposed
to be short.
All eight-- eight--
88 of you.
I want to take each one
of you home tonight.
[ Laughter ]
You have made my day,
my week, my month,
my year, my lifetime.
ZACK: In every humdrum life,
there is a muse,
someone who ignites
inspiration.
Matisse had the Cone sisters.
Andrew Wyeth had Helga.
And me, I had Sally Kirkland.
It all started when
our video store in Maine
closed down
after a moose jumped through
the window, k*lling the owner,
so all the VHSes were sold
at a bargain price.
Dad bought a dozen of them,
but his selections
were the ones
that no one else wanted.
Of these, "Anna,"
starring Sally Kirkland,
was my favorite.
"Anna" is a 1987 movie
about a depressed,
middle-aged Czech actress
who struggles to resurrect
her fading career.
-Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall!
-MAN: Shout it at us!
Humpty Dumpty
had a great fall!
All the kings horses...
Obviously, Im gonna have to
find a new hiding spot
for these R-rated movies.
Im gonna k*ll your father
for bringing these
into the house.
How do you meet
the people on TV?
You dont.
They all live in California.
And nobody from Maine
ever goes there.
You have everything
you need right here.
ZACK: Even at nine years old,
I knew a great performance
when I saw it.
I couldnt get enough of it.
I had no idea
my life would change
over some wayward moose.
JOANN: Im doing whites today.
You never need to worry
about laundry
when youre with your mother.
-Mom...
-JOANN: Mm-hmm?
Youd support me if I went
for what I really want, right?
Oh...
Sweetie, working
in the lumberyard
with your father
is money in the bank.
When I was your age,
I was married
and I had a child.
Mom, what I want to do is
write for movies and TV shows.
Okay, Ive already started
looking for movie jobs online.
Nothing good ever came
from going online.
Mom, I need to move
to Hollywood.
I dont want to talk
about it any longer.
-Im gonna go do the laundry.
-Im moving to Hollywood.
JOANN: Okay!
Greetings, everybody.
Zack, honey,
who are you talking to?
ZACK: Say hello.
You are on camera.
No, no. Dont film me.
I dont want to be on camera.
Here, you can practice
on me, son.
When I was your age,
I wanted to be
a sports newscaster,
like on TV.
Oh, I talked about it, but...
just seemed like
an impossible dream.
Because it was
an impossible dream.
No. It wasnt.
I could have done it,
but I didnt have the support.
Now, you go out there
and you dont come back
until you make it.
I know you can.
Youre right.
Im gonna go out to Hollywood,
and Im not coming back
until I make it.
-Yes, you are!
-Oh, for God's sake!
Doesnt anyone care
what I have to say?
Turn that camera on me now!
I have something
I want to say.
Zack, honey,
I went through the pains
of hell giving birth to you.
You were in my uterus
for ten months, so I...
I want you to have this.
-Itll protect you.
-Oh, I...
Oh, hell.
Take both of them.
-ZACK: Thank you.
-Two's better than one, right?
Thank you, Mom.
JOANN: Youre welcome.
Oh!
Honey, Im so worried
about you.
[ Sobbing ] Los Angeles
is a terrible place.
I watch the news --
there's drugs
and fires and earthquakes
and Kardashians.
-And porn.
-Oh, honey. Yes, porn.
Promise me you wont
fall into a bad crowd.
-Promise me!
-I-I-I promise.
JOANN: Oh,
it's a horrible place.
But...
m-maybe youll meet
Reba McEntire.
She seems like a nice person.
Or, I could meet
Sally Kirkland.
[ Scoffs] Sally Kirkland.
Right.
Like thats gonna happen.
-It could.
-No, I dont think so.
Look, good luck, son,
and keep your eye on the road.
This town has been attracting
dreamers from the get-go.
People think a generation
is 20 years.
No, a generation for --
for movies is four years,
five years maybe.
You have to be
possessed of both
the tenderness of the artist
and the skin of the rhinoceros
to be able to deal with,
you know,
what this business is about.
You have to reinvent yourself
literally every four
to six years.
You have to do something
monumentally different.
So, trying to become
successful
in this career
is very up and down.
Its gambling.
Its all a gamble.
When you make it,
you go very, very high.
But then for -- for X reason,
you can go down.
Its like a roller coaster.
I happen to like
roller coasters.
I'll wear what I want
And do what suits me fine
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
Oh, and heres a blast
from the past --
Sally Kirkland.
What brings you
to the awards tonight?
I never miss a red carpet.
As a former Oscar
nominee, I still get
invited to all these events.
INTERVIEWER: Which year
were you nominated?
Im not sure I remember
back that far.
[ Photographers clamoring ]
Oh, and heres someone
we all know --
Dinah Bouchet.
Dinah, looking
the most fabulous.
My life is amazing.
Its been such a journey
for me.
I finally just hit 20 million
followers on Instagram,
and my album drops next month.
Im so excited.
Whats the best thing
about being famous?
I mean, I was famous.
I dont know
if Im famous now,
but yeah,
Ive been famous in my life.
Men!
You get any man you want.
I mean, they come from
all over. [ Laughs ]
RADIO: We're expecting
partly cloudy skies
with a high of 70 degrees...
ZACK: I must have been born
under a lucky star.
My roommate,
who youre about to meet,
is a creative genius
and filmmaker.
He said so
on his Craigslist ad.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who might you be, then?
Uh, Im Zack. I called.
Are you Tom?
Im your new roommate.
And are you British?
My mom is gonna love that.
Oh, yeah.
Mums love me.
[ Sniffing ]
You dont smell too bad.
Quite nice, actually.
Okay, you can stay.
House rules on the fridge.
Number one rule --
Do not drink my beer.
Oh, I dont drink.
Give it time, mate.
[ Chuckles lightly ]
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Mm, yes.
Oh, thats so good.
Oh, you look so hot.
Ooh, right there.
Thats good. Thats so good.
Okay, wait. Wait right there.
-So hot. [ Laughing ]
-Are you sure this is my room?
Girls, I said get out of here!
This boy is moving in.
Youre cute.
Wanna do a foursome?
Ive never even done
a twosome before.
-[ Laughter ]
-Is he for real?
I said out now, you dozy bint.
I swear, guys in jail
have better manners
than girls in L.A.
ZACK: Uh, youve been to jail?
In and out.
First in, then out.
-Can I ask what for?
-Which time?
Tom broke into bank machines.
Oh, its so easy,
a baby could do it.
-I can show you how
-Im good.
You look very clean.
I like that.
Im from Maine.
Main Street?
In Santa Monica?
-Th-The state Maine.
-Oh.
POUNDCAKE:
Oh, thats like near New York.
Do you guys have anything
besides beer here?
Uh, actually, Maine is
our northernmost state
on the Atlantic.
Only New Hampshire touches it.
Over 90% of the countrys
blueberries,
toothpicks, and lobsters
come from Maine.
It's -- It's cool.
Oh.
So, how do you guys
know each other?
Tom's our driver.
I drive strippers around
at night from party to party.
Im a sort of chauffeur
slash bodyguard.
Thats interesting.
You make a lot of money?
Some nights.
Other nights, I go
and get a spinal tap.
Spinal fluid's
the hardest fluid to come by,
so the pay is great.
I can hook you up.
That sounds terrifying.
Tom acts, too. Hes been
in a truck commercial.
"Oh, you could drive this
baby through a gator lake."
-[ Laughter ]
-That was my line.
After I shot that,
I went down to this swamp.
There was this alligator.
They just call them gators.
I would drag it up
from the swamp
and rub it gently
until it was docile.
I know all their sweet spots,
Zacky.
Hes got that sh*t on video.
-He can show you.
-Maybe some other time.
Im sorry, I didnt
get your name.
Im Bibi.
Im Poundcake.
[ Laughs ] Poundcake?
What's that mean?
Shes in porn.
She gets pounded like cake.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!
You mean like sex stuff?
Oh, hes so cute!
Were gonna wreck him.
Welcome to L.A., mate.
Bibi and Poundcake said
they wanted to destroy me.
Im still not sure about them,
so Im locking my bedroom door
at night.
[ Horn honking ]
I emailed my rsum to over
50 job openings today.
Hey, theyre looking for
a new driver for the girls.
Ive got to concentrate
on my new film.
-I could hook you up.
-You're doing a film?
Yeah. Right, a horror.
Horror, horror. Ha-ha!
Oh, cool.
Have I seen any of your films?
Oh, you will. I just need
to find the right leads.
I thought I was your lead.
Darling, your range
is a bit limited.
"Ah, ah! Yes, yes!
Harder, harder!"
Do these photos mean
these people ate here?
[ Angelic choir ]
I guess. Yeah.
My photos not up there,
and I eat here all the time.
My photo will be
up there one day.
Guys, theres a picture
of Sally Kirkland.
She ate here.
Kirkland...
Wasnt she, uh...
Hot Lips from the movie
"MASH"?
Thats Sally Kellerman.
Big difference.
Well, big enough.
Which ones Sally Kirkland?
[ Chuckling ]
Which ones Sally...
Uh, "JFK"?
Uh, "The Way We Were"?
Uh, "EDtv"?
"Bruce Almighty"?
She won the Golden Globe
Best Actress
for "Anna" in 1988.
I used to be in
her acting class.
She teaches acting?
Yeah, in her apartment.
Youve been to
Sally Kirklands apartment?
-Mm-hmm.
-You dont understand.
Shes a huge inspiration
to me.
Uh, you want rice and beans
on the side?
-Hi. Excuse me.
-Hold, please.
Uh, see the woman with
the blond hair in that photo?
You mean Sally?
She just left.
Youre on a first-name basis
with Sally Kirkland?
Yeah.
You dont seem very excited.
Huh?
She orders takeout.
Shes still
in the parking lot.
[ "It Had to Be You" plays ]
[ Horn honks ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Excuse me, would you mind
taking a photo of me
and my paintings?
[ Chuckles ]
What do you think
of my paintings?
Oh, I like your use
of, uh, primary colors.
They're very bold.
And your composition
has a primitive quality
that evokes sort of a --
Youre an artist?
I like to paint and draw.
Youre a Virgo.
Yeah.
-Are you my new assistant?
-Yes.
Did God just send you
into Sallys life?
I think God brought us
both together, Sally.
You start right now.
First, I want you
to write my obituary.
Uh, your obituary?
Are you ill?
No, of course not.
Now, why would you ask that?
I want you to go in the back
and write,
and show me
when youre done.
You know, I bet all the stars
make their new assistants
write their obituaries.
Its, uh, sort of like
a hazing.
"Sally Kirkland,
Oscar-nominated actress
and painter,
died today
in her Los Angeles home."
My art is so personal to me.
You know, I havent had
an art show
since Malibu four years ago.
Uh, Sally, I have your
obituary right here.
-Youre gonna love it.
-Just one minute.
Oh, God, youve made it
so depressing.
You said I died, Virgo.
No!
B-But, in obituaries --
Dont say, "Sally died."
Say, "Sally passed
into spirit."
Where is my life
in all of this?
The amazing men I slept with,
my -- my disastrous marriages,
the two times
I tried to k*ll myself.
Did I mention that I slept
with amazing men?
I mean, how am I supposed to
know who you slept with?
SALLY: Ill tell you.
Bob Dylan,
Kris Kristofferson,
Dennis Hopper,
Maximilian Schell,
Keir Dullea,
Robert Shaw from "Jaws,"
Jon Voight, John Corbett,
John Ritter,
Raul Julia, Dustin Hoffman,
Albert Finney, Ray Liotta,
and of course, George.
Oh, I had so much fun
with so many men.
And then Ted Koppel
was in the mix.
He gave me my first kiss.
And, uh, I dated De Niro,
and I had my first orgasm
with Rip Torn.
Isnt that amazing?
I had my first orgasm
with a man named Rip Torn.
[ Laughs ]
Ahh.
Rewrite.
I-Ill get right on it.
Oh, arent you cute?
[ Chuckles ]
ZACK: What just happened?
Im working
for my favorite movie star.
That makes this
a dream job, right?
But am I getting paid?
And did she really have sex
with Ted Koppel?
So many questions.
Please, please,
please pick up.
Uh, Sally, I think
youll like this new obituary.
It has way more sizzle than --
Weve got a problem.
I mean, I know
I probably spelled
Keir Dulleas name wrong,
but --
SALLY: It's about the gallery.
I dont have a key to lock up.
The owner is the only one
with the key.
-Uh, so lets call him.
-SALLY: Oh, hes long gone.
I cant just leave it
unlocked tonight.
People will steal
my paintings.
What are you gonna do?
Youre gonna have to spend
the night here.
Ill bring a key
in the morning.
-Where am I supposed to sleep?
-On the floor.
Im so sorry about this.
Dear Father Mother God,
thank you for bringing me...
-Whats your name?
-Zack.
...angel Zack into my life.
Angel Zack.
"Venetia Boyd,
literary manager." Hm.
I dont really care
about art, darling.
But, you know, its really --
its really amazing,
um, the connections
you can make by just dropping
one of your business cards
in those glitzy galleries.
[ Sirens wailing in distance ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Zack, Ive got the keys.
We can go.
Good morning.
Lets go.
Hold my coffee.
You really are a child
of light, arent you?
Not since Atlantis, Lemuria,
and the Mists of Avalon
have I seen
such a child of light.
-ZACK: A what?
-[ Tires screech ]
MAN: Watch where
you're going, old lady!
What just happened?
You almost hit someone,
and Im covered in hot coffee.
Virgo, I'm -- Im sorry.
Its okay.
Light, light, light.
Om shanti, shanti, shanti.
My car wont start.
Were gonna have to
call on the light.
Uh, maybe we just call AAA.
[ Sighs ]
Somewhere in Hollywood,
someone is yelling
at their assistant
because the rain is too wet.
I wouldnt do that.
Im very reasonable.
At least I think
Im reasonable.
Medication is
a wonderful thing.
Much better than a facelift.
Thank you.
-This is where you live?
-Jesus!
$1,800 in second-hand
car parts.
I dont know how
Im gonna pay for this.
I desperately need
to go to sleep.
Youll sleep upstairs
in my bed.
Id rather go home.
Dont abandon Sally.
Dont leave her alone
with the dark forces.
-What dark forces?
-The dark forces.
Everybody has them,
especially Sally.
If you leave me,
Ill have nobody.
Please, just stop talking
right now and follow me.
Welcome!
ZACK: Holy cow!
Holy mackerel!
This is like
a Sally Kirkland museum.
-Would you like a tour?
-ZACK: Yes!
Come over here, young man.
This Andy Warhol commission
for the cover of
Interview magazine.
And this is the night
I introduced
Robert De Niro to Bob Dylan.
And this is me and
Robert Redford in "The Sting."
-ZACK: Wow.
-Heres John-Roger,
my spiritual teacher
of 40 years.
And the "Anna" poster.
This is incredible.
I-Ive been looking everywhere
for this poster.
That may be the last one.
My name is Anna Bokova.
I come from Prague,
Czechoslovakia. What you want?
I dont want to talk
about my personal life.
You give me the script.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
BOTH: Humpty Dumpty
had a great fall.
And all the kings horses
and all the kings men
could not put Humpty
together again.
Ha-ha!
Heres my Golden Globe.
-May I?
-Sure.
-This is heavy.
-Uh-huh.
And heres my
Independent Spirit Award.
And here is my Best Actress
Oscar nomination.
Congratulations on that again.
Thank you.
And now, young man,
if you would just lay down
on my bed with me.
Your, uh -- your bed?
Yeah. Of course.
Now, about the obituary.
Its gotten better.
Its just, the problem is,
youve gotten too close
to Sally.
Its growing into a memoir.
Maybe we should cut it.
"Should" is a shitty word.
I need someone
who doesnt know my story,
someone from the outside
who can give me feedback.
-Where are your parents?
-Uh, Maine. Why?
Maine.
Oh, good. Nice and far.
Here. Call them.
Dial them, please.
-[ Clears throat ]
-[ Keypad beeping ]
[ Humming ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
Honey.
Honey, the phone.
Sweetie, can you get...
-Hello?
-ZACK: Uh, hi, Mom.
Oh, Zack, honey!
How are you?
Uh, listen,
remember when I said
I wanted to meet
my favorite movie star?
Yeah, that one. Sally.
Well, I did, and shes here
and wants to talk to you.
-And your father.
-And Dad.
She wants to talk to me?!
Oh! Oh, my.
Oh, Im so shocked.
Um, honey, honey, honey!
Pick up the phone!
Its Sally Kirkland,
that famous actress
that Zack wanted to meet.
Shes on the phone
and she wants to talk
to me and you.
-Hello.
-Hello.
Joann, Dave.
Sally Kirkland here.
How are you?
Oh, thats nice.
Well, I wanted to call you,
Joann and Dave,
to tell you that
Ive just hired your Virgo son
to be my assistant.
God just brought us together.
He is a mystical
child of light.
-Okay.
-And now on to me.
Ive asked your son
to write my obituary.
Your obituary?
A-Are you dying?
Of course not. Why would you
ask such a thing?
I love my life.
Ive loved all of my lives.
And I still have
an Oscar to win.
I may be Geraldine Pages age
when I win it, but so be it.
-Uh-huh.
-SALLY: Now continuing.
"Golden Globe winner,
Independent Spirit
Award winner,
and Best Actress Oscar nominee
Sally Kirkland
passed into spirit today."
It means I died.
"And Sally had many,
many hot lovers,
including the greatest singer
of all time, Bob Dylan."
JOANN: Bob Dylan?
I mean, hes okay,
but hes no Al Jarreau.
-What?
-[ Laughing ]
Did you hear that, honey?
She thinks Bob Dylan
is the greatest singer ever.
Okay. Alright.
Joann, hes the greatest poet
since Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, Joann!
And in conclusion
of my obituary,
I will chant Sanskrit.
[ Chanting ]
I have to hang up now.
Dave!
Dave, are you still on?
[ Chanting continues ]
Hello?
Shanti.
Peace, peace, peace.
Goodbye.
Well, that went very well.
They're delightful.
That was a three-hour
phone call.
Well, Ive had quite a life.
I'm probably disowned.
Well, I wish I even had
a family to be disowned by.
You are very lucky.
Good night, Sally.
Good night.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Did you meet your dream girl?
Sally Kirkland? [ Chuckles ]
Yeah, I met her.
I looked her up on IMDb.
Is this her?
Shes actually hot.
Yeah, thats her.
If you took a time machine
back to 1989,
add three decades and a few
nervous breakdowns
onto that, mm-hmm.
Well, I quite like
older birds.
Jane Fonda is nearly 80.
I'd get it on with her.
Sally she says she hasnt
worked in a while.
I think shes depressed.
Hang on, hang on.
Ive got a great idea.
-No!
-Yes!
Hear me out, hear me out!
Ive just raised all the money
to make my low-budget action
sci-fi zombie movie.
How?
This Bulgarian bloke
I drive for.
Hes bringing all the money
tonight in a suitcase.
Ask no questions,
tell no lies.
-In a suitcase?
-Ask no questions.
Listen, there is
a great part in it for Sally.
She gets to run away
from all the zombies,
screaming.
You know all actresses love
a good scream.
Tom, she has
an Oscar nomination.
Like I said.
They love a good scream.
This would be an insult.
You just told me
she wanted to work.
Just show her the script.
[ Sighs ]
Im going to bed.
Its day two and Im already
burnt out from Hollywood.
Eh!
Every day I wrote, "Im gonna
be nominated for the Oscar."
I dont know
why I didnt write,
"Im gonna win the Oscar,"
but, "Im gonna be nominated
for the Oscar."
"Im gonna win
the Golden Globe."
I do get asked,
having won an Oscar,
how it, uh,
how it changed my life.
It was sort of like
the moment where you know
nobody can take your acting
away from you ever again.
Oh, it changed
my life profoundly.
Um, I was on the A party list
for about six months.
And they said, "Da da da
da da da and Sally Kirkland."
And we screamed and screamed
and yelled and screamed.
It was just so exciting.
It was like,
for whatever reason,
the whole worlds gonna know
Sally Kirkland
for at least a moment.
And then...
...they forget.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
-Hi, Mom.
-JOANN: Zack.
Sally Kirkland kept your dad
and I on the phone
for hours last night
talking about her obituary.
She has serious problems.
You couldve said
you had to go.
Honey, your dad
fell asleep on the desk.
When he woke up,
she was Indian chanting.
He got really confused.
Yeah, that was weird.
Who are you living with,
by the way?
You never told me.
Um, hes a filmmaker.
It cant be Steven Spielberg,
or you would have told me.
No, Mom, my roommate
is not Steven Spielberg.
You should work with somebody
really great, like, um...
like Mark Harmon.
Why do you work with someone
like Mark Harmon?
Uh, well, uh, Mom,
the phones cutting out.
...-R-M-O-N.
Look it up on the Google.
Connections really bad, Mom.
Love you.
[ Sighs ]
"Outer Space
Zombie Chicks in Prison."
Yeah.
[ Beep ]
Hello, Venetia Boyd.
My name is Zack,
and Im new to Hollywood.
I got a call from -- from this
silly boy writer from Maine.
I-I found your card at
Sally Kirklands art gallery.
Im working there most days
until something better
comes along.
He was really
kind of like...an idiot.
I heard writers need literary
managers, and...
[clears throat]
...you sound great.
But you never know.
Maybe his stuff is very good
and I can make him into
an A-list writer.
And then we will be able
to go to all
the biggest Hollywood parties.
Maybe we can meet for coffee
like famous people do in L.A.
Okay.
Bye-bye, I love you.
Zack, its me.
Please drive me
to an audition.
I need you here in 40 minutes.
Dont be late.
Marilyn was always late,
but you are not Marilyn.
And if the Dalai Lama
drove the 405 freeway,
his message to the world
would be completely different.
I have been 20 minutes late
to every meeting
since I got here.
Beautiful car.
Whered you get this?
Oh, thanks.
My grandpa left it to me.
-You were loved.
-I was his favorite.
My dad was pretty pissed.
In my youth,
I loved to drink lemonade
and play parlor games.
Is this the casting place?
No.
In my youth,
I loved to drink lemonade...
And whats the line?
Playing parlor games.
What the hell
are parlor games?
Uh, games they play
in old movies
with English people...
in a parlor.
You know, I dont think
Im right for this.
It calls for a 90-year-old.
I dont know
what my agent was thinking.
Sally, youve got to try.
This could be your next Oscar.
Its a McDonalds commercial.
Oh.
SALLY: Yeah.
[ Door opens ]
WOMAN: And your name is...?
Sally Kirkland.
Mm, youre not on my list.
Oh, here you are.
Sally Kirkland.
Oh, my God.
Youre, like,
an amazing actress.
-Thank you.
-What are you doing here?
You shouldnt be here. I mean,
we studied you in film school.
-You did?
-Totally.
You were in "MASH," right?
Thats Sally Kellerman.
Sally, you alright?
What happened?
Exactly. What happened?
Lets get out of here.
I think this is where
youre supposed to comfort me.
I honestly think youre being
too hard on yourself.
Am I?
In 1988 I was nominated
for the Best Actress Oscar
in the same category
as Meryl Streep,
Glenn Close,
Holly Hunter, Cher.
I dont see them auditioning
for cheeseburger commercials.
My agent spends all day
in a strip bar putting
dollars in girls' thongs.
Nobodys putting cash
in my thong.
-No cash!
-You kidding me? [ Laughs ]
Anyway, last week
I walked over Holly Hunter's
star on Hollywood Boulevard.
You know whos walking
on my star?
-Who?
-Nobody.
I cant afford it.
Its like $50,000.
Ive been in like 200 films,
and its like
Ive been completely erased.
Ive got something
to show you.
This movie changed my life.
"Anna" was the first
independent film I ever saw.
I love Anna because
shes an underdog.
Why do you keep it
in the glove compartment?
I was hoping you would
autograph it for me.
Aw. Sure.
I dont know what I did
in my prior lifetimes,
but I know that
in this lifetime Im blessed.
[ Laughs ]
Hollywood is a sewer full
of highly intelligent rats.
Theres a hierarchy --
king and queen rats.
And when they get too old,
the younger rats
eat them alive.
This town isnt nice to old.
Youre not old.
Not to me.
Oh, its nice to hear
somebody say that.
Sally, what do you want most
right now?
String cheese.
[ Laughs ]
Coming right up.
A couple years ago,
I could have told you
some great
Hollywood casting stories,
but now...
they'd just lock me up.
The reality is, to a woman...
of her...
shall we call it age?
Youre over 35,
youre getting shaky.
Youre over 45, youre done.
Even now, with -- with the --
with the good plastic surgery.
ZACK: Besides string cheese,
what is it you want most?
Respect.
Another chance, you know.
[ Sighs ]
If its any consolation,
I know of a part written
for you by a filmmaker.
Martin Scorsese?
Spike Lee?
Theres so many.
Give me a hint.
Uh, hes a little more
up-and-coming
than those guys.
Okay.
Its my roommate, Tom.
Roommate Tom?
Ive never heard of him.
Youd play a female who runs
around screaming
and gets chased by zombies.
I didnt say it was good.
Has Roommate Tom
written any other movies?
Um, theres videos of him
wrestling alligators
in Florida, so...
Bring me a script.
Better yet,
take me to Roommate Tom.
[ Cell door rattles, clangs ]
What do I have to do
to get out of here, Officer?
Youre gonna have to show
some love
to the long arm of the law.
Ooh, yeah.
Nice work, baby.
-Thank you.
-So good.
[ Gasps ]
Uh, Im sorry.
Oh, she was
in my acting class.
Thats me!
Hi, Sally.
Mm!
Youre Sally Kirkland!
Uh, Sally,
this is my roommate, Tom.
Oh, youre so cute.
Not so bad yourself.
I hear you wrote a part
for me in your movie.
I did.
Well, when Zack told me
he was working with you,
it seemed rude not to.
-Can I get you a beer?
-Oh, no, thank you.
But do you happen to have
any string cheese?
Uh, I just bought you
string cheese.
We can always use more.
Coming right up, Ms. Kirkland.
Really? Really?
Youre gonna flirt with her?
-Yeah, I certainly am.
-You know, I dont
even know why Sallys
considering your movie, Tom.
I do -- 'cause
its an amazing project.
-[ Faucet creaks ]
-[ Scoffs ]
And why doesnt
the sink work?
Broke yesterday.
Can I get a wrench?
You dont strike me
as a handyman.
ZACK: Yeah, well, I am.
TOM: There you go.
I dont know why you care
about any of this anyway. You
said you were done with Sally.
Apparently not.
That was easy.
Try it now.
-[ Water running ]
-Blimey! Huh!
Here is your string cheese.
Thank you.
Now, honey,
remind me of your name again.
Bibi.
But you knew me as Margaret
when you taught me acting.
-Margaret? [ Laughs ]
-Shut up, you!
Margaret.
Right, right.
-You changed your hair.
-Mm-hmm.
-And this is your work?
-Yes, yes! Ah! Yes!
Yes. Isnt it great?
Its my newest film.
Im Poundcake.
-Excuse me?
-Sally, here is my script.
Oh. Lets see.
"Outer Space Zombie Chicks
in Prison."
You really have
the money for this?
Yes, and the money's
under my bed,
so we are green-lit.
Its an ultra-low-budget film,
but its gonna go gangbusters.
Describe it to me.
Uh, well, its a sci-fi action
zombie horror.
"Night of the Living Dead"
meets "Speed 2:
Cruise Control"
meets "Showgirls"
meets "Alien."
But behind bars.
"Speed 2: Cruise Control"?
[ Chuckles ]
The one on the boat?
Cruise ship.
SALLY: Sounds ambitious.
Now, who would I be?
You would play
the prison warden's sexy aunt.
-Am I a zombie, too?
-No, no, no.
Youre the last human
and you save the planet.
Oh, I like that.
TOM: Are you any good
at screaming?
I did write a lot of scenes
where youre running
and screaming.
Screaming what?
Just screaming.
How much are you gonna
pay me for this?
My agent is of no use,
so I do all my own deals.
Excuse me. Can I talk to you
for a second?
Okay, just because
hes my roommate
doesnt mean
you have to say yes.
Zack, Im running on fumes.
I dont have $1,800
for the car.
I need the work.
Im sorry
that Im so desperate.
Okay.
Its your call.
But I would advise
against this.
Ill do it.
Awesome. Awesome!
Sally Kirkland's gonna
do my movie!
Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo!
I just want to say to you
all out there, you actors,
um, dont give up.
You know, I think
if I learned one thing --
and Ive been doing this
since 1961 --
its not to take no
for an answer,
to let self-promotion
be okay,
to have a rsum that
goes on and on and on and on.
You know, there's never
too many characters...
Oh, God.
If you take a film
thats a piece of crap,
but you put a star in it,
then youve got something.
You left a voice message
on my cell,
and it was so full of heart
that I just had to come
and -- and find you.
How is Mexico City?
Hot. Spicy. Dirty.
Just like I like it.
So, you would like me
to r*pe you?
r*pe me?
No, no.
Uh, represent you.
Right. I sent you
some of my short stories.
Well, you must know
something, huh?
You must have
a lot of experience
to work in this town.
Yeah, Im trying
to get some writing jobs.
Okay, well, Im invited
to a lot of parties,
and, you know, it is there
where all the big deals
are done.
And, well, Im quite,
uh, widely adored.
Actually, I do have a party
right now
that I have to go to.
Would you like to come
with me?
Oh, I have to get back
to the gallery.
Im only on break.
Well, maybe another time,
right?
Yes. It was such a pleasure
to have met you, Zack.
Yes. And, uh, here,
this is for you.
Ciao, ciao. Bye!
Oh.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Hi, Sally.
Zack, listen.
Is any of the art selling?
Are they even
potential buyers?
Actually, we have a lot
of customers in here.
And a painting sold today
to an art lover.
Really? Well, if were
selling the art,
then I dont have to do
the zombie movie,
which would be a huge relief.
As you can see, I have a g*n
and I know how to use it.
Did Tom write this dialogue?
Ooh, I, uh -- I met
a literary manager today.
Her name was Venetia.
Isnt that exotic sounding?
Venetia.
Dont be impressed
by exotic names.
Yeah, she acted weird
and then disappeared.
Well. That rhymes.
I dont know,
I feel like this town
has a way of making me
feel like Alice.
Alice B. Toklas,
the lover of Gertrude Stein?
Uh, no.
Alice in Wonderland.
Oh.
Have you ever been in love?
Uh, once.
It was a long time ago,
I remember --
Me, too. Sally was so in love
with George.
Yeah, see, I dont really
talk about it because --
George was about your age
when I met him.
We were young together.
It was a really
difficult experience.
We were electricity together.
He was so passionate.
He was the love of my life.
Oh, my God.
In bed, out of bed.
In the sink,
in the car, on the lawn.
In the sink, on the --
Uh, you know what?
Never mind.
But you know, I still
have an ache in my heart.
There was so much loss.
Did he die?
No, but he lives
in the Valley.
-George Corrigan.
-George Corrigan?!
The famous movie action
director G-George Corrigan?
Yeah.
Should we go back
to where I left off?
I have a g*n and I know
how to use it,
so I shall ask the questions.
You had sex
with George Corrigan?
How was that?
He was excellent.
I, uh...
I got most of the starlets
I went after.
Couldnt keep 'em, though.
Women I should have married
but didnt.
Women I did marry,
but shouldnt have.
My new wife said she wouldnt
marry me unless I was a vegan.
You show me a man
who says hes a vegan,
Ill show you a man whos
trying to sleep with a vegan.
As you can see, I have a g*n
and I know how to use it,
so I shall be
the one asking questions.
[ Yawning ]
Zack.
SALLY: You are an angel.
Uh...
-What happened?
-Thanks to you,
I had my first good nights
sleep last night in ages.
I suffer from insomnia.
But you...
You have magic sleeping powers
that come alive
when you fall asleep.
You know, with sleep,
everything is possible.
Which is why I am paying you
for putting me to sleep
last night.
$32?
Its the least I could do.
But deposit it right away.
Hey, Sally, what do we do
about your obituary?
[ Laughs ]
Some things you just have
to let go of with age.
TOM: So, Sally, in this scene,
I need you to be sexy,
angry, and smart.
Can you do a face like that?
Wow, that was incredible.
Its called acting.
I forgot.
Who am I in this movie?
I told you --
Slutty Nurse Zombie #1.
-And who am I?
-Slutty Nurse Zombie #2.
-Girls!
-[ Both laughing ]
[ Laughter, chatter
in distance ]
TOM: Okay, cut right there.
I did not say action.
I am the director.
Wait for me.
You do not call action
on your own set.
Sally, my vision for this is,
its "Rashomon" in space
with zombies.
So its like nothing
youve seen before, you know?
Ah, Zacky!
Hi, guys.
I see you hung
my painting up in here.
That was very sweet of you
to lie to me
to make me feel better.
-I can explain. I --
-You dont have to explain.
I didnt sell any paintings
except for the one you bought.
Thank you.
-Youre welcome.
-TOM: Mm.
We heard about
your sleeping powers.
Havent told you this yet,
but Ive been sleeping better,
too, since you moved in.
You told them
about my powers?
We also know you have
other skills.
Production begins
in two months,
and the script is shite.
My boys are in a warehouse
downtown right now
building sets,
and we dont have a movie.
Darling, would you help Tom
with the script
to make it better, Zack?
Please, Zack.
You fixed the faucet.
Now please fix the script.
Hollywood is a lottery.
You want to make
anything of yourself,
you have to buy the ticket.
Then you have one
in a 40 million chance.
[ Clears throat ]
To call this film atrocious
would be kind.
But youll be paying off
your auto repairs in no time.
I realize that, but there
arent any real actors here.
I mean, Meryl wouldnt
put up with this sh*t.
Come on. This cant be the
worst movie youve ever done.
In fact, it is.
Promise me this will
never be on my IMDb.
-Its already on there.
-Oh, God.
There goes any chance
I might have at a career.
Mercury must still be
in retrograde.
It is, isnt it?
Dark forces!
We are lost
in a world of zombies.
But I am
the Sorceress of Truth.
f*ck this wig.
-Thats not in the script.
-It is now.
Ah, sweet mystery of life.
Coffee!
Hey, guys, can we get
Sally a coffee?
Put the wig back on.
We are in the world --
No! Ugh!
We are in the world
of zombies, but I --
but I am the Sorceress
-of Truth.
-Ms. Kirkland, ready for you.
Where is the set, young man?
This way.
I am the Sorceress of Truth,
come to obliterate
all beings on the planet.
And if you dare to champion
my truth, then speak now.
Speak now, that is,
if you can speak,
which you cannot.
Who's there?
[ Growling ]
And who might you be?
I am humanitys final hope.
Cut!
Are you drunk?
You were shot in the head
five scenes ago.
Both of you.
Thats it.
And "I am humanitys final
hope" is my line.
Oh, yeah, I think
that is Sallys line.
Girls, youre working with
an Oscar winner here.
Oscar nominee,
Golden Globe winner.
But thank you.
Right, lets just take five.
Or ten. Whatever.
[ Bell rings ]
[ Line ringing ]
-Hi, Mom.
-JOANN: Zack!
Oh, I wish you were here
to see this flock
of wild turkeys
running across the lawn.
Theyre so cute.
Just so you know,
a flock of turkeys
-is called a rafter.
-A rafter?
A rafter?
Oh, thats so sweet!
Okay, now your father
wants to speak to you.
Honey, its Zack.
Its Zack.
Hey, son.
I got a new tractor.
Thats great.
Listen, I dont want Sally
to hear us. Shell freak out.
But I got an important job
interview for TV
in a few days.
A job interview
for television?!
What station?
Well watch it.
And what time
does it come on?
Because weve been
going to bed a little earlier.
Yeah, we go to bed
really early, so...
I dont know.
But today is going good.
Im on a real movie set today.
Can you see?
A movie set!
Oh, my God.
If you see Hugh Jackman,
you tell him
your mom loves him.
-I love Hugh Jackman.
-[ Growling ]
I have a g*n
and I know how to use it,
so I shall be the one
asking the questions.
-TOM: Cut!
-[ Bell rings ]
Whats my motivation?
Youre dead
and you eat flesh.
Oh, yeah.
I know how to do that.
TOM: Okay, back to your mark.
BIBI: Seriously? 15 takes?!
Who do you think you are?
I cant work like this!
I think Im your bloody
director, love.
No, Mom. Hugh Jackman
is not in the movie.
Thats right, Tom.
I quit!
Fine! Quit!
I dont care!
-Youre wrapped anyway.
-Wrap this!
My porno directors are better
at directing than you are!
Darling, you suck
as an actress.
Obviously in a porn,
you actually suck,
and thats fine, but this...
-What is going on?
-Did he say porno?
TOM: Youre working
with Sally Kirkland!
SALLY: Dont drag my name
into this.
I have never experienced
dark forces like I have here.
[ Speaking Sanskrit ]
So, Dad, uh, tell me
about the tractor.
Yes, its a three-point hitch
with a Cat 2,
and I got a bigger backhoe.
You tell your son not to make
any porno movies!
-Did you hear that?!
-Sally, come on.
Please wait, wait.
Okay, I love you, Mom!
I gotta go!
Do I think my films
are intellectual?
Um...yeah.
NARRATOR:
Kathryn Corrigan transitioned
from being
a successful actress
to a powerhouse film director.
I think its especially hard
to make it
as a female film director.
Have I proved myself?
To whom?
NARRATOR: Her first husband,
director George Corrigan,
is an avid fan
of Kathryns work.
Even after the divorce,
Kathryn and I
are still great friends.
KATHRYN:
Tchaikovsky once said,
"I pay no attention
to what critics say,
simply because I know
so much more about music
than they do."
Ill hang this up.
Im watching a documentary
on Kathryn Corrigan.
Doing research.
You know, I want a role
in her next film.
Oh, Zack, she has
to let me read.
-[ Knock on door ]
-Come in!
ZACK: Uh, what are you
doing here?
Sallys giving us
acting lessons.
My names Margaret again,
by the way.
You almost ruined Toms movie
and you expect Sally to help
you become a better actress?
I dont even think
she could do that.
-We are paying her.
-Its true.
Theyre paying me to help
make them better porn stars.
With dialogue.
Darling, what was
your name again?
Shes still Poundcake.
Now, look.
This is a no-bullshit class,
you understand?
Its work
in order to book work.
Do you get it?
Actually, I did
just book work.
I got a part in a real film.
Is that so?
Its just two lines,
but theyre, like,
really good lines,
and I dont get naked at all.
ZACK: Whos directing you?
Kathryn Corrigan.
Shes, like, a big director.
Oh! Theres a part for a
Sally Kirkland type actress
-in the script.
-And how'd you find that out?
From my new agent.
I told him Im learning
acting from you.
He said, "Tell Sally
she f*cked up."
[ Laughing ]
His names Clem.
Damn! Im gonna k*ll him!
I have a g*n.
I know how to use it.
I have an ax.
I have a r*fle.
Im gonna k*ll
that m*therf*cker.
Where is he?
Where is my shithead agent?
-Do you have an appointment?
-No.
-Do you have an appointment?
-Out of my way.
-No, you cant go in there.
-Youre fired!
-Sally! Have a seat.
-SALLY: Youre fired.
Sally, baby...
Don't "Sally, baby" me.
Youve done nothing
but neglect me.
Actually, Ive tried
very hard to get you seen,
but your reputation
is ahead of me.
I cant even get you
an audition
with Kathryn Corrigan, who's
casting a Sally Kirkland type.
An agent needs something
viable he can sell.
Isnt a Golden Globe viable?
Isnt an Oscar nomination
viable?
That was 1988.
Its not even
the same century.
Its not the same business,
Sally.
How would you know?
You dont do any.
Not having an agent at all
would be better
than having you.
I will sell myself.
Good luck with that.
Let me know when you get your
first cat litter commercial.
To hell with you!
Oh, Sally.
[ Door slams ]
Sallys fired me,
I dont know,
probably twice a month
for 42 years.
People come to me and sob
and cry, and then they turn.
They will then blame me
because "you didnt do it!"
There is nobody who believes
in Sally more than I do.
Alex, is that my 10:30?
Hey, kid.
-Oh, my gosh!
-NED: Why are you here?
I didnt realize
I was interviewing
with the Ned Levitt.
Give me a break.
Give me a break.
MAN: Mr. Levitt. Hi.
We need to go over
-the layout for that --
-Please, scram.
Cant you see Im
in the middle of an interview
with this hapless child?
Okay. Good luck.
So, youre here to be
my assistant, right?
But your lifes goal
is not to be ordering my
Chinese chicken salad, right?
What is it you really
want to do?
While Ill be really good
at ordering
Chinese chicken salad for you
every day,
what I really want to do
is write for TV and film.
-Oh, what a surprise.
-I mean, I would love a chance
to write on
one of your game shows.
Maybe as a question writer.
I love trivia.
-Did I tell you I hate people?
-You do?
Oh, sure I do, I do.
So, kid, you look like
a smart guy to me.
Final question --
How do you define yourself?
[ Chuckles nervously]
Well, uh...
to quote the great
philosopher Alan Watts,
trying to define yourself
is like trying to bite
your own teeth.
Alan Watts, huh?
Youre one smart cookie.
Tell you what.
You start tomorrow at 10 a.m.
One more thing. Okay?
Burn those clothes.
See you tomorrow.
[ Cheers and applause
over speakers ]
You dont mind if I do
this interview like this?
So, uh, you smell good.
What is that you have on?
-Thats gardenia.
-Okay.
I just love the way
you love women.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, gosh. Uh...
ARSENIO HALL:
Are you anything like
your character...
Whos there?
Its Zack.
Ive got news.
Oh, God, I dont know.
I dont know if I can handle
any more news.
Its incredible news.
I found a job today
working in TV.
It always ends like this.
So, who stole you
away from me?
[ Scoffs ]
Nobody stole me
from you, Sally.
Ned Levitt hired me
to be his on-site assistant.
[ Chuckles ] Ned.
I used to give these
great parties in the '70s.
He came to all of them.
Ill be working on
one of his game shows.
I mean, its a step in
the right direction for me.
Well, what was I, a step
in the wrong direction?
-How can you do this to me?
-Sally...
Ned. Just ask Ned
if hell hire me, too.
Sally, Im still gonna
be in your life.
You want to see me successful,
dont you?
You came into my life
and you brought me hope.
Now its over.
So go. Just go.
Go!
Lock the door behind you.
[ Crying ]
Hollywood
Hollywouldn't
Hollywon't
[ Crying ]
You're no longer the prince
of the unbeknownst to
In the undercurrent caught
Ready to burn
the entire lot
Hollywood
Hollywouldn't
Hollywon't
TOM: Ooh, smells like
a feast in here.
ZACK: Im just
sauting vegetables.
I landed a new job today.
I'm Ned Levitts assistant.
Mate, that is bloody banging!
How did Sally take it?
Uh, not well. I feel terrible
that she feels terrible.
Well, I mean, its better
pay, though, right?
We love Sally, but she was
paying you $32 a night
just to sleep
'round at her place.
Its not very good pay
for magic powers.
I mean, wh*res get paid
more than that,
and they dont even
stay all night.
-They don't?
-TOM: Hell no!
Look at what youve done
with this place.
You fixed the faucet,
the window, the shelf,
for no money.
You are a Zack of all trades.
So, lets celebrate.
Bad for Sally,
but great for you.
When you say celebrate,
what exactly do you mean?
ZACK: Well, this is a first.
I dont drink and I dont know
how to ogle women.
I also dont like the smell
in here, but here I am.
TOM: 90% proof vodka, neat.
None of those
p*nsy-a*s mixers.
-Thats my boy.
-Cheers, lads.
Whoo-ee!
[ Dance music plays ]
[ Retches ]
Zack, meet my
new agent -- Clem.
Yeah, Tom told me you got --
you got Sally that job
on that zombie movie.
Thats gonna cost her 10%.
ZACK: Well, I, uh...
Bloody hell, Bibi, since when
did you start working here?
Are you gonna tip me
or just blah blah blah?
Im sitting here trying
to get pissed with my mates
and youre all up in my face.
Go to another pole.
You cant tell me
what pole I do.
You cant tell her
what pole she can do.
-Here you go, darling.
-CLEM: Bibis my fave.
You stay right there,
baby doll.
-Love you.
-CLEM: You do you.
She nearly ruined my movie.
Sally, on the other hand,
is bloody great in it.
Yeah, speaking of that,
are you gonna pay her?
I mean, she cant
even afford new car parts.
-[ Laughing ]
-What?
I just wouldnt use
"new car parts"
and Sally Kirkland
in the same sentence.
-You know what? Youre a jerk.
-[ Laughing ] I know, I know.
Dont talk about Sally
that way! Not in front of me.
-Oww!
-BIBI: Oh, my God!
-[ Bibi shouting ]
-No, no, no, no, no.
Calm down, calm down.
-Alright, we are leaving.
-Oh, my God!
Come on, Rambo, get in
the car. I will drive.
No, you cant drive this.
Its a classic.
Oh, yeah?
When I was 14,
I stole my step-dads
'57 Buick
and got halfway
across the state
before they found me.
You are pissed.
Get in.
[ Sighs ]
You got to be kind of insane
to live here.
Its a brutal town.
How long have you been here?
Long enough to know you got
to focus on what you want
or you end up a lost soul.
You came here to be a writer.
Focus on that.
I am focused on that.
Then why damage
your greatest asset
by punching some w*nk*r
in the face?
It had nothing to do with you.
Yes, it did!
He insulted Sally.
Oh, my God.
Okay, Im pulling in here.
We are going to buy you
a reality check.
TOM: Lets get some wine.
I need to play
catchup with you.
So, did you always want
to be a director?
Well, I didnt want to end up
a cab driver like my dad.
Ooh. Very expensive.
Cheap as chips.
Hold that.
But he did teach me
the knowledge.
What knowledge?
Name any street in London,
I can show you a rat run
that gets you there
in half the time.
Lets get you some coffee
to sober up.
ZACK: Id rather have candy.
So, what, you want to be
like the next Tarantino?
Nah, I want to be like
the next Ingmar Bergman.
-Really?
-No, you muppet!
So, who are your writer gods?
Mm, Dr. Seuss,
Woody Allen, Colin Higgins,
Norman Lear,
Rod Serling, uh,
Bryan Fuller,
Anne Frank.
Thats a pretty badass combo.
Hes right.
Pretty badass combo.
-Im a writer, too.
-Ah! Mazel tov.
I didn't know youre Jewish.
Huh? No. Im not.
I just like saying that.
Do I look ten years
younger than I am?
"Decidedly so."
Am I the greatest actress
in the world?
"Except for Meryl."
Will George help me
get a part in Kathryns movie?
"Hes thinking about it."
Do I have to f*ck him
to get that?
[ Keypad beeping ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Gate clicks, whirs ]
Hang on.
Uh, my name is Sally,
and George was --
is my friend.
Is he home?
Hes in the backyard
practicing.
-Practicing?
-OLIVIA: Archery.
Bows, arrows.
Dont piss him off
or hell sh**t you.
Oh, that sounds like him.
George. Hi.
Hello, Sally.
Olivia's not supposed
to let anybody in.
I think her brains turned
to mush from lack of food.
What is she, 20?
Doesnt the age
difference bother you?
What can I say?
If she dies, she dies.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, George, I miss the laughs.
How you been, Sally?
You ever try archery?
My aim has been
a bit off these days.
It always was.
We could have had
a great life.
But you always had
all those other men.
It was the '70s.
Every time I proposed to you,
there was some schmuck
hanging around
with his pants undone
and a stupid look on his face.
Bob Dylan wasnt a schmuck.
But you...
You were the love of my life.
What are you
doing here, Sally?
Your ex-wife, Kathryn.
She wrote a part
in her new film
for a Sally Kirkland
type actress.
That role needs
to be played by me.
Please persuade her to see me.
I have no influence over her.
Try.
Try. Just for me.
[ George scoffs ]
You havent changed.
Im sorry if I hurt you.
Bye, Sally.
Bye.
[ Arrow thwacks ]
[ Siren chirps ]
Officer, please.
No parking ticket.
Not today.
This is a no parking zone,
maam.
Look at me, please.
I just visited
the love of my life.
He lives in that house there.
Im sorry, maam,
but thats not my problem.
I havent seen him
in 40 years.
Like I said,
he was the love of my life.
If Id married him, we might
have a beautiful family now.
But instead, Im alone,
and hes with a twit.
I wake up some days
wanting to die,
wondering why Im still alone.
Can you see how devastating
it is, Officer?
Can you understand
even a little bit?
No ticket today, okay?
Thank you.
No ticket today.
I still got it!
NED: Hey, Zack.
My wifes having
a cookout tomorrow.
She wants gluten-free
hot dog buns.
You know where to get them?
-Im sure I can find some.
-Good. Please, please.
Listen, dont say anything
to that kindergartner
out there.
Im only telling you.
I trust you, okay?
[ Telephone rings ]
-[ Chuckles ]
-Ned Levitt's office.
How did you get this number?
Look, Im sorry about
the dark forces,
but Im busy right now.
I-I cant talk.
-NED: Zack.
-[ Sighs ]
Zack, I like you very much,
but thats very rude.
Very rude.
The actress I work for
is having separation anxiety
from me.
NED: She is, huh?
Whos this actress?
-Uh, Sally.
-NED: Sally?
Sally Field?
Sally Struthers?
Uh, no. Kirkland.
Sally Kirkland.
I love Sally.
You know, I worked with Sally.
Yeah.
One of the best nights I ever
had was with Sally, you know.
Wait, wasnt she...
Wasnt she nominated
for some independent film?
What was it called?
-"Anna."
-NED: Oh, "Anna."
She should have
won the Oscar.
I dont know what happened.
Oh, I know what happened.
Sally happened.
You know, bring her along.
Be fantastic to see her.
[ Indistinct conversations,
laughter ]
So, you like Hollywood?
ZACK: Love it.
I just feel so powerful here.
NED: Oh, my God.
Sally Kirkland.
You look fantastic.
Thank you.
Id like you to meet
my sixth wife, Monique.
Pleasure. And this is Heaven,
my astrological consultant.
Planetary blessings.
Uh, what does an astrological
consultant do?
She gives my wife reasons
not to have sex with me.
Heaven keeps me on the path.
So, how do you two
know each other?
Oh, weve traveled in the
same circles for five wives.
We baked a potato.
-MONIQUE: Ned, thats vulgar.
-Breathe, breathe. Harmony.
You owe me a kiss
for that one.
Okay, now, who wants
a hot dog?
I left the gluten-free buns
in the kitchen.
Okay.
Hot dogs, here I come.
She gets excited easily.
-Shes lovely.
-NED: Ehh...
-Ill go get us drinks.
-With umbrellas.
Ned, I need to talk
to you about Zack.
Youve been working him
too hard.
He doesnt have time
for me anymore.
You need to give him
some time off.
Sally, sweetie, I think
you need a new assistant.
I felt honored
even to get invited.
I mean, half of the office
didnt get to go,
and Ive only been working
there, what, a few weeks?
Ned, Ned, Ned.
Its all about Ned.
You know, its the first time
Ive seen you in ages.
Thats not true.
I came over this week.
SALLY: I used to be
important to you.
Now Im lucky if I see you
once a week.
Pretty soon itll be
once every two weeks.
Then it will be once a month.
Then itll be once a year.
I could write the book
on abandonment.
What are you talking about?
Of course
youre important to me.
I took you to this party,
didnt I?
Sally, I want to get you
out there again,
get you noticed.
Youre the reason
I came to Hollywood.
I am?
Just because the rest of
the world forgot about you...
...doesnt mean I ever would.
[ Growling ]
Oh!
My God, Zack,
the girls are so bad.
They couldnt act their way
out of a paper bag.
Oh, well, at least Sally
gives it her best shot.
She really is a great actress.
Im really worried about her.
Can you look in on her
over the holidays?
No can do, amigo.
I am off to Cancun
with some of Igors cash
to get me some hot enchiladas.
-Everybody leaves.
-Damn right, mate.
Hollywood is no place
to be at Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, and, uh,
thanks for the sweater.
Oh, no problem, stud.
Thank you for mine.
[ Laughs ]
TOM: Oof.
[ Growling ]
[ Door closes ]
Its so depressing.
I mean, I dont know
who any of these
so-called stars are, Ejaz.
If I dont recognize somebody,
theyre not really a star.
-You were a real star.
-Oh, Im still here, Ejaz.
You certainly are.
Its just that I dont know
where I belong anymore.
EJAZ: Thatll be $9.50.
[ Coins clatter ]
SALLY: I dont have enough.
I will put in
the rest for you.
Consider this
an early Christmas gift.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
EJAZ: Merry Christmas.
My true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree
Look whos here!
Merry Christmas!
Oh, my poor lost boy!
-[ Smooching ]
-Hi, Mom.
I hope youre hungry.
Ive been cooking all day.
ZACK: You did it! You made it!
-Oh, honey, you're so skinny.
-No!
What have they been
feeding you?
-I am not that skinny.
-JOANN: You are so skinny.
Youre gaunt.
Look at you.
TV HOST: [ Chuckles ]
Always unpredictable.
-Ain't she unpredictable?
-[ Cheers and applause ]
Sally Kirkland!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Crying ]
TV HOST: Sally, you know,
last time you were here,
you made a prediction.
You said
before the end of 1991,
you would find a husband.
[ Sobbing ]
Im doing whites today!
Underwear, T-shirts, socks.
I already did it.
You...did your laundry?
Yeah, I learned how
to do laundry in L.A.
But...
Im actually quite good at it.
Ive been doing laundry
for over 40 years.
I can get your whites
much whiter than this, and...
and its not soft like mine.
Im a grown-up, okay?
I prefer to do my own laundry.
Look...
I need to ask you something
thats really important
to me, okay?
Its about that Sally woman,
isnt it?
Im just so happy
to have you back home.
Anything you want.
Oh!
Merry Christmas
Of love, love, love,
peace and joy
Hello, darling!
Oh, how are you?
Would you get my bags?
Oh, this is so beautiful
in here.
My parents live
in the Pine Tree State,
surrounded by pine trees
and more pine trees.
Rarely do they experience
human contact,
let alone with
a Golden Globe winner.
Oh, how lovely.
You said she was staying
for just a few nights.
Hey, movie stars
dont travel light.
-Thank you!
-[ Whispering indistinctly ]
SALLY: You know, I did
a Folgers commercial once
in a kitchen
that looked just like this.
Uh, Sally, this is my mom,
Joann, and my dad, Dave.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Oh, thank you so much
for having me.
I dont really have a family.
Oh, you never had children?
-Just my inner child.
-Ah.
Now, Zack is
the light of my life.
My days are so much brighter.
Well, Zack may make your day
so much brighter,
but mine are so much gloomier
now without him.
Now, Joann, you have me.
Exactly.
Well, Zack, perhaps you should
show Ms. Kirkland to her room.
-Uh, yeah, right this way.
-JOANN: Uh...
Ah!
-Welcome.
-Welcome.
Welcome to our happy home.
SALLY: Thank you.
Is she gonna poison me?
Shes just Sicilian.
Ignore her.
Here we are!
So, Sally,
what is a Golden Globe?
Its an award voted on by
the Hollywood Foreign Press.
Oh.
You mean
foreigners decide...?
JOANN: [ Clears throat ]
Sally, were Catholic,
and we like to say grace
before a meal.
Is that alright with you?
Of course.
Im an ordained minister
in the Movement
of Spiritual Inner Awareness
and I like to call on
the light for all religions.
Very nice.
Zack?
Bless us, O Lord,
for these thy gifts
which we are about to receive
through thy bounty,
through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
-Amen.
-Amen.
Dear Father Mother God,
I ask now for the light of
the Holy Spirit to surround,
protect, and fill Joann
and Dave and Zack and myself
for our highest good.
[ Speaking Sanskrit ]
Is that Arabian?
-Sanskrit, from India.
-Ohh!
Oh, we have Indians
in northern Maine.
Uh, Indians from India,
not America.
Well, vive la difference.
Thats what I always say.
Now, Sally,
Im sure Zack told you
about my famous meat lasagna.
Im a vegetarian.
JOANN: Not today.
I dont like to admit
that Im ever wrong,
so let me start with that.
I think perhaps Sally and I
arent really that different.
I mean,
were both powerful women.
Of course, Im a better cook
and a homemaker, but...
...it was Christmas.
Oh, honey! Another apron!
Oh, and jelly beans!
My favorite.
Mwah!
Thank you, sweetie.
Sally, I painted this
when I was nine.
See the heart above your name?
SALLY: Oh, my God.
Nobody else has ever done
anything like this.
This is traveled a long way.
Mm. What is this?
JOANN:
Oh, your favorite movie!
-DAVE: Wow.
-"Anna."
Sally, I-I scoured
the internet for this.
This is incredibly rare.
[ Laughs ]
You drove across country
where you didnt know a soul.
-You got a great job.
-JOANN: Yeah.
And you bring home
your favorite movie star.
I mean...
Sally, I made a special
string cheese pie
just for you.
Thank you, Joann.
Hang in there.
And you --
you take care of her.
You take care of Sally,
you understand?
Shes good peoples.
[ Laughing ]
Venetia Boyds quite
an interesting name.
My real name
is Consuelo Alvarez,
but nobody pays
attention to her.
Yeah, but Venetia Boyd
gets into
all the best parties.
-I love a good party.
-Me, too.
-[ Zack clears throat ]
-Hey.
Oh! Hello, darling.
I read your short stories
that you emailed me,
and, uh,
I had to come right over
because I do want
to represent you.
-You want to represent me?
-VENETIA: Yeah. Yeah.
And while I was waiting
for you,
I was here talking to Tommy,
and he showed me the
outer space zombie movie,
which I quite liked.
Oh. Thank you.
Did you write
those lines, Zack?
Oh, yeah.
All the good stuff. Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
Absolutely hilarious.
Its not meant to be funny.
Oh, genre sells, doesnt
matter if its funny or not.
Mm?
Hey, Venetias gonna
rep me, too.
I thought Clem was your agent.
No. Not anymore.
And I want to take you to all
the best Hollywood parties.
Because
Im quite widely adored.
Uh, Venetia, since youre
such a great manager,
could you arrange a meeting
for a friend of mine?
But of course.
Its not difficult at all.
Who do you want them to see?
Kathryn Corrigan.
Get a meeting with Medusa?
Impossible.
Well, youre
so widely adored.
Why not by her?
I gotta go.
I have a party to go to.
Arnie Schwarzenegger
is waiting for me.
We have the biggest party.
Okay.
Ill see you soon, darling.
Yes, Ill call you, hm?
-Bye, Tommy.
-Bye, Venetia.
[ Giggles ]
See you soon.
-See you soon.
-Yes.
Well, now we really
have something to drink to.
Well, maybe.
Does it smell like sex
in here?
Oh, I scheduled lunch
with the network for tomorrow.
Your car is being towed,
two tires were ill*gal,
and Monique called to tell you
not to kiss her--
Zack, I hope youre enjoying
the challenge
-of my mundane existence.
-You know, I would
really love to be considered
for a writing position
on one of your shows.
Well talk about --
Well talk about that later.
Meanwhile, Im sorry.
Im hungry.
Im on it. Chinese
chicken salad with avocado.
I hate Chinese chicken salad
with avocado.
Where do you like to go, huh?
So, Zack, I read your stuff.
Very good.
Well, you know,
a little weird, but good.
Let me ask you a question.
Okay?
Why do you want
to be a writer?
Oh, I...
You know, Ive always
liked storytelling,
and its something
Im really passionate about.
NED: Its a tough job.
A really, really tough job.
Im glad you have
that passion.
-Hi, Sally.
-Hi.
Mwah!
-I bring you tacos and Sparky.
-Your unicorn.
He possesses sleeping powers
like I do,
but I sleep so well lately,
his powers are getting rusty.
I think he needs
more practice.
Are you giving him to me?
I am loaning him to you
until I stop sleeping.
Aw. Come here. Lets talk.
-I have some pretty big news.
-Yeah?
Youre looking
at the newest member
of Ned Levitt's writing team.
-Wow.
-Well, junior writer, but...
[ Laughs ] Ahh.
It has to be there.
Venetia Boyd. B--
I dont do food.
No, no, no...
Are you an actor?
Look at your face.
You have a beautiful face.
Well, if youre not
an actor, here.
I am a talent agent.
Just give me a call.
You have the face
Ive been looking for.
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Oh, ignore it. Im here.
It cant be important.
Hello? Hi.
You did?
Uh, youre amazing.
Well, I, uh, quite widely
adore you, too.
Thank you so much.
Ciao.
Whos widely adored?
Okay. Look at me.
Breathe. Act natural.
-I need this.
-Just breathe.
I tried.
I tried for 300 thou.
-They laughed in my face.
-Youre lying to me.
-Youre lying to me.
-I know.
Your name?
Sally Kirkland.
Sally Kirkland.
Welcome.
[ Laughter ]
-Focus.
-Okay.
But hear me out...
Sally, baby!
Im not your baby.
That is rough, Sally.
I was gonna
call you this week.
Sally,
Kathryn Corrigans here.
Corrigans not gonna
cast you, Sally.
She doesnt cast Z-listers.
She probably doesnt want
to deal with a Z-list agent.
Shell be back.
She loves me.
Lipstick.
[ Laughter ]
Kathryn.
Youre gonna win this year.
I voted for you.
Ive got to be
in your next film.
I dont care what part it is.
Ill carry a spear.
I do accents, too.
Sally Kirkland.
Well, you should
have your agent
call our casting director.
SALLY: Ill audition for you
right now.
You promised me my life,
but you lied.
Do you think
that life is nothing
but not being stoned dead?
I can live on bread and water.
When have I asked for more?
Bread has no sorrow for me,
and water no affliction.
To make me breathe foul,
damp darkness
and keep from me everything
that would bring me back
to the love of God,
when your wickedness
and your foolishness
tempt me to hate him.
If only I could still hear
the wind in the trees,
the larks in the sunshine,
the young lambs crying out
in the healthy frost,
and the blessed church bells
that bring my angel voices
floating to me on the wind.
But without these things,
I cannot live.
And by your wanting
to take them from me,
or from any other
human creature,
I know that your counsel
is of the devil,
and that mine is of God.
MAN: [ Chuckling ]
Did you see that?
And that mine is of God!
[ Indistinct conversations
resume ]
WOMAN: So, um,
what I was saying before...
Thats a monologue
from "Saint Joan," written
by George Bernard Shaw.
Its one of Sallys favorites.
Im her assistant.
I fantasized that
I was Joan of Arc
in a previous lifetime.
You dont say.
Actually, you and I
shared a previous lifetime
because of a man named George.
Oh, sweetie.
His new wife is much younger
than both of us.
Thats her.
I invited him tonight.
Hes a no-show.
She shows up for everything.
You ever want
a real assistants job?
Give me a call.
Good luck to you.
I recognize the woman
in the black.
I wonder what shes been on.
-The operating table.
-[ Chuckles ]
Its so weird
Kathryn wants to hire me.
I barely spoke to her.
You wouldnt be
happy with her.
The food is sh*t here.
Lets get me
some string cheese.
Sally...
do you want to have
a sleepover?
-Yes.
-[ Chuckles ]
Okay.
[ Sally snoring ]
SALLY: Do you think
Ill ever be nominated
for anything again?
ZACK: I think youre still
as fabulous today
as you were then.
I dont know what it is
SALLY: My I wish for you
is to become a director,
and I wish for you
to write a screenplay
that the whole world
will know about.
And I wish to be in your life.
I dont know
where to fall
But I know
that its comfortable
Well
I dont know where it is
Putting all of my time
in learning to care
ZACK: How about I write
something about you?
Want a locket
of who made me lose
My perfunctory view
SALLY: What should we call it?
Of all that is around
And of all that I do
So I knock on the door
Take a step that is new
You know, somebody asked me
if I made any mistakes
in my career.
Being too obvious, too crazy,
too sexy, too impossible.
You know what?
None of it matters
in the end.
I mean, you give it up to God,
and shell make it better.
She wanted to get
my attention, and she did.
You got to admire that.
I think Im gonna hire her.
Oh, and, uh, in case
youre wondering,
Tom's zombie movie
became a big cult hit.
So I guess it all
worked out after all.
[ Chuckles ]
Come on, give me a clue
What is it you do?
You know I love you
And thats so good
I see how you shine
You look divine
When Im with you
Every day is new
Here in Sallywood
Well, I aint got nothing
And nothings alright
It feels like something
When I see your light
Somethings better
than nothing
When Im in your
neighborhood
Its real,
there aint no bluffing
Here in Sallywood
Its a state of mind
Something to be aware of
No place to leave behind
No place to be scared of
Its a place to embrace
To do what you should
Here in Sallywood
La la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la,
la la la la la
La la la la
In the meantime
Im feeling real fine
Just knowing that I'm
Going to Sallywood
La la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la la,
la la la la la
La la la la
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Sallywood (2024)
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