01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

Gertrude.

Seems like you've been

a very naughty girl this year, Nathalie.

I'm so sorry, Santa.

Are you gonna have to stuff my stocking

with a great big lump of coal?

I'm afraid so.

"Darling Taggie".

What's this say? I can't read the writing.

"Darling Taggie,

So sorry for being such a colossal sh*t.

Have a lovely Christmas. With love, R."

What?

Oh, my God.

Caitlin, look.

It's beautiful.

It's from Ralphie.

He's buying you bracelets, Tag.

He loves you.

Oh, my God. You should invite him

to Patrick's birthday party.

He's already invited.

This party's gonna be completely epic.

Oh, my God.

Yay!

Come on, Mummy.

But if you had to have sex

with one of them, which would it be?

Jesus, Judas or Pontius Pilate?

Well, Pontius obviously.

Much better parties.

Oh, Jesus would be so preachy.

Really? I always thought

you liked a chatty fella.

Who the f*ck turns up

during Christmas dinner?

Maybe it's Rupert.

Better not be.

- Patrick!

- Look who it is.

Oh, my darling.

We weren't

expecting you till the 28th.

Lavinia and I broke up.

She didn't like

the first edition Kafka I got her.

What?

How can someone

break up with you over a gift?

Well, I was the one

that broke up with her.

She didn't have much celestial light.

And I think if you really like someone,

there's meant to be more celestial light.

I can't believe my baby boy

is going to be 21.

That makes us officially old.

Hey, speak for yourself.

What have you brought us?

Dirty washing for Taggie.

Merry Christmas, my darling.

- I've missed you.

- Come on, kids. Let's eat.

I'm not doing that,

you know?

I'm starving.

- Hello.

- Hi, Helen. Me again.

Are the kids around?

Oh, sorry. Bad timing.

We're just watching a movie.

Perhaps you could try again tomorrow.

Tomorrow's not Christmas.

Yeah, but I get them on Christmas, so

Did they

at least like their presents?

Let's speak tomorrow. Bye.

Right.

You ready for me

to come down your chimney?

It's New Year's Eve,

and as we say goodbye to 1986,

who will you be kissing

at the stroke of midnight tonight?

Morning.

You have no idea what I had to

promise the farmer to get all these eggs.

Oh, thank you so much, Lizzie.

Do chickens orgasm?

No, the c*ck doesn't even penetrate them.

- Oh. That's so sad.

- Some might see it as a blessing.

Turns out neither

the chicken nor the egg came first.

- So, did you or Ralphie come first?

- Caitlin.

Who's Ralphie?

- Patrick's friend.

- Ah, yes.

He's totally in love with Taggie.

He sent her a bracelet.

- Stop it.

- Oh, Taggie. It's lovely.

Thank you.

Is he coming tonight?

Girls, which one of you two bloody thieves

have my cream?

I forgot to get a bikini line wax.

Hello, Lizzie.

Am I seeing you later?

- I wouldn't miss it.

- Great.

- The cream.

- Top bathroom.

See you tonight, Lizzie.

Mummy's already tried on

at least 15 dresses,

and each one is smaller than the last.

How long do you think it's gonna

take her to ensnare Rupert tonight?

Mummy wouldn't do that to Daddy.

Not again.

Yes, she would.

Daddy's been working non-stop.

I bet you anything

Mummy's gonna go for Rupert.

Well, I don't think Rupert's even coming.

- Hmm.

- Let's hope not.

Don't work too hard tonight.

Make sure you find some time

for your lovely Ralphie.

He's a lucky boy.

Uh, we've done

all this research on Rupert,

but what if he won't agree

to be interviewed?

Don't worry. He will.

All right. So we start

with the horsewhipping

and move up to the

cabinet minister's wife and his daughter.

Wrong. English people care more

about horses than they do women.

We end with the horses and the Olympics.

Imagine if this works.

We annihilate the smug f*ck

on national television.

Hello. What time do you

want us all for the party tonight, Declan?

Oh. Wasn't expecting

to see you there, Charles.

Um, eight o'clock should be grand.

Are you okay, Charles?

You look a little worn.

Uh, my mother's not been very well.

There's only me, so it's not been easy.

Sorry.

Uh, will you be gracing us with one

of your stunning frocks tonight?

She's invited you too, has she?

Yeah, but I-I deci--

No, we agreed she should stay here

and help Deirdre and Seb

with the New Year's Eve feeds instead.

Yeah. I decided not to go.

Someone's gotta keep the lights on.

And Cinderella will go to the ball,

just not this one.

Happy New Year, all.

- Oh, good. Daysee's opening champagne.

- Oh, Christ.

It'd be quieter to work from home.

- Let's pick this up next week, yeah?

- Come on, Deirdre.

- Champagne, Declan?

- No, thanks.

I'll see you at your party later.

Paddy's still behaving then?

Oh, yes. Declan's my pussycat.

Happy New Year.

Maud!

For f*ck's sake.

- Oop--

- Maud!

- How many people did you invite?

- A few. Why?

Because I thought we said 30,

but you've invited

everybody from the bloody office.

Are you trying to k*ll me? Hmm?

You've taken me out of a f*cking city

- where I had actual friends

- F--

and an actual life, and you've

plopped me in the back of beyond.

So, yes, Declan, I am having a party.

I need a party.

You need a party, and it's

our son's birthday, for God's sake.

Still paying off

the bloody London leaving do.

Well, that's hardly my fault, is it?

I'm not the one

that brought us to this bloody kip.

And anyway, I'm very busy.

I still have to work out

where everybody's going to sit.

The cavalry's here.

Don't expect too much from Mr Makepiece.

He's next to useless.

- I'm here, aren't I?

- Thank you so much.

We're never gonna be ready in time.

Hi, I'm Shelley.

I like your top.

Any time today, Kevin.

I didn't realise we were

on the clock, Mother.

Hand me that peeler

and we'll be done in a jiffy.

It'll be all right, Taggie.

Oh, thank you.

Why would you want to

sit next to him after what he did to me?

Oh, don't be so overdramatic, darling.

I'd consider yourself lucky if I were you.

Maud!

Maud!

Are you sure there's enough?

Oh, God. Probably not.

I'll peel some more.

f*ck me.

f*ck me.

Ralphie's here.

He's just unpacking the car.

Oh, thank you. That's so sweet of you.

The journey from London was frightful.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Ralphie's room.

Mine too. I'm Georgina, his girlfriend.

Hello, Tag.

I hope it's okay to squeeze us both in.

Patrick did say I was allowed a plus-one.

Um, of course.

I-- I'll bring a second towel.

I'm so sorry, Tag.

I didn't know.

I can't believe I'm so stupid.

You are not stupid.

You're one of

the most insightful people I've ever met.

Insightful?

I'm the opposite of insightful.

I'm just a stupid one-night stand.

You're too good for him.

Taggie, seriously.

He's not worthy of you.

There'll be other boys here tonight.

Show him what he's missing.

You're the best person ever, Tag.

Give us a smile, Mr Vereker.

Uh, if I must.

Tights, Lizzie. Tights.

Oh, no. Oh, when did that happen?

- Come on. Thank you.

- I'm really sorry.

- I don't know why I--

- Just keep walking. Keep walking!

Oh, wow. Paparazzi.

All right, no drinking.

You can only talk to Caitlin.

Are there gonna be lots of

people from telly here tonight?

Yeah, all the stars.

You'll be shining the brightest though,

my angel.

Where did she find them all?

It's like a UN convention.

It's terrific, innit?

Wayne, follow me.

- Freddie.

- You all right, Tone?

I've been looking at your

development plans

Oh, yes.

and I wanted to talk to you

about whether anime

could be a good area to investigate.

It's New Year's Eve, Freddie.

We should be celebrating, not working.

What about a cooking competition?

- They ain't done that yet, have they?

- Ah.

That sounds smashing, Freddie.

Yeah, we've been having ideas all night.

Ain't we, Wayne?

- Yeah.

- I'll catch you later.

So, how do I look?

Like the newest member

of the Corinium board?

Now Campbell-Black has said no,

they'll need a local MP more than ever.

You look very like a local MP.

Thank you.

Tony. Tony. Tony.

Just need a word. Um

What perfect timing.

I was worried I was late.

Meet me at the folly at midnight.

- I'll see you there.

- Yeah.

What a load of posh c**ts.

We're gonna have to get off

with one of these posh c**ts tonight, Kev,

'cause marrying one's the only way

we're gonna get out of this bumfuck town.

I thought there were

meant to be celebrities here.

- Well, there's definitely one.

- Where?

Oh, my God.

Is that Joanna Lumley at two o'clock?

Um, be right back.

- Uh, Joanna.

- Oh, I really love Joanna Lumley.

I think this is such a nice dress.

I really like it.

- You like it?

- Yeah. It's very pink.

- It looks really good on you.

- Oh, thanks.

I think we can have another drink.

Where's your mother?

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

My, my, my.

- Very good.

- Yeah.

Tell you what, Declan is a lucky man.

What I wouldn't give to

be ridden like that camel.

- Darling. Absolutely fabulous.

- Oh.

Come on then.

You always knew how to make an entrance.

Did you have to practise on the camel?

Maud can get most beasts

to do what she wants.

When are you gonna

come back to London, hmm,

and let me immortalise you

in one of my films?

Ugh. You should have

offered me that when I was there.

It's too late now.

I'm stuck in this godawful prison.

It's hardly Colditz, my love.

Have we met?

Sure I've seen your face before.

No, I don't believe we have.

Tony, this is Patrick's godfather,

Malhar Verma.

Malhar, this is Tony Baddingham,

ruthless businessman

who controls the arts in the south-west.

Tony, Malhar, brilliant film-maker and,

uh terrible scoundrel.

I imagine you'll both get on very well.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hello.

I thought if we all came in,

they'd be more likely to feed us.

Great minds.

Ooh.

- Don't tell Valerie.

- I wouldn't dream of it.

Thank you.

Hmm.

James is cross with me

for having a ladder in my tights.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I love a ladder.

Stairway to heaven and all that.

As it was Knots Landing

I just drew the line at--

Mum, it's almost ten. If we don't

eat soon, it's gonna be "indelible."

Inedible, darling.

And I'm sorry but--

Ooh.

Yes. Darling, go ahead.

It's definitely time to eat.

Go on.

Rupert.

My God. If I knew you were wearing this,

I would've come earlier.

Well, you're here now,

and that's all that matters.

Take this.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I wouldn't if I were you.

Do what you do best.

Dig up his skeletons,

lure him onto your show,

humiliate him in front of millions.

All right. That's Athens down.

How we doing on the Paris feed?

Mm-hmm. Parfait, mademoiselle. Parfait.

Au revoir, 1986.

Bonjour, 1987.

Tea? Really, Deirdre?

It's g*dd*mn New Year's Eve.

I don't get New Year's.

It's like birthdays,

just another year closer to death.

It's not really for us singletons, is it?

We've not got anything to celebrate.

No one's waiting

to kiss us at midnight.

Well, the difference between

you and I, Deirdre,

is that I don't wait around

to be kissed by somebody.

If I wanna kiss someone, I do it.

So, is your sister ever gonna forgive me?

Um, I doubt it.

Did she like the bracelet I got her?

f*ck. Sorry.

- We all thought it was from Ralphie.

- Who's Ralphie?

Him.

Taggie's mad about him,

but he turned up with his girlfriend

and now she's broken-hearted.

You signed a "R", so we all

just presumed it was R for Ralphie.

She can do better than that.

Do you ski, Rupert?

Yeah. Love it.

I bet you're terribly good at it.

Isn't it all in the hips?

Oh. I never see him.

It's just work, work, work.

I mean, Tony's obsessed, of course.

He can barely think of anything else.

Oh, don't worry about Rupert.

Bertie Berkshire once described him

as a particularly nasty virus

that one's wife caught

soon rather than later.

- Hmm.

- Oh, Rupert can't resist the conquest.

While others adore the chase.

A clever wife is easily bored.

The bracelet's from Rupert.

- What?

- It's "R" for Rupert.

He feels bad for touching you up

at the Jones's.

Sounds right.

Too much money. Too little sense.

What are you gonna do, Tag?

dear Patrick ♪

Happy Birthday to you ♪

Today we celebrate

my son, Patrick,

who was born New Year's Eve, 21 years ago.

My son makes me prouder

than any father ever was.

Yeats wrote, "Life is a long preparation

for something that never happens".

But when I look at my son

I think Yeats was wrong.

My son was a brilliant boy

who is now a brilliant man.

He has happened.

So please raise your glasses

for my clever boy, now a man.

- To Patrick.

- To Patrick!

Patrick, the man.

- Your turn, darling.

- Thank you, Dad.

Um, and thanks, Mom, for throwing

another of your wonderful parties.

Mmm.

Uh, but most of all,

I'd-- I'd like to thank--

Holy sh*t.

Celestial light.

Ten

Nine, eight, seven, six

He's gone too early. It's n--

five, four,

three, two, one.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year, darling.

You're very confident, aren't you?

Yeah. I am.

- Thank you for coming.

- Of course.

I-- I-- I wanted to

ask you something first.

I-- I-- I-- I wondered

whether I could give you this.

That way we--

we wouldn't have to sneak about.

You could come and go as you pleased.

You could think of it

as your home too if you like.

Well,

I'm terribly flattered, obviously,

but I-- I'm sorry, Charles.

I presumed you'd understand.

If I want to do anything political,

I need to find myself

a wife.

Right.

Yes, of course.

How silly of me.

Probably had

a bit too much to drink.

Emotional evening.

- Uh silly. Sorry.

- No, I'm s-sorry.

Don't be.

I'm fine.

Now, get back in there

and find yourself Mrs Middleton.

Go on. Hurry up.

Can you please stop working?

Come and dance.

Sorry.

Massive queue for the loo.

That's better.

Are there any more chipolatas left?

Yeah. Come on then.

Great.

I didn't realise this was from you.

I can't accept it.

It's an apology for the other day.

Fine. I'll accept the apology,

just not the bracelet.

Fine.

You scare me a little.

How can I scare you?

I can see myself quite clearly

reflected in your eyes,

and for once,

I'm not sure I like what I see.

Anyone can change.

I might be an exception.

Sorry. I'm--

I'm not very good at dancing.

You're doing fine.

Caitlin told me about the mix-up.

Um, I'm sorry.

I'll be sure to write my whole name

the next time I send you a present.

I need to finish the kedgeree.

Bye.

Hey.

You've been ignoring me all night.

Um no, I haven't.

Yes, you have,

and you haven't called for ages.

I don't mind my husband

being disappointing,

but I expect more from a lover.

I don't expect anything from you, Sarah,

and I'd hope the feeling was mutual.

You're looking stunning again

this evening, Sarah.

You ever considered

a career in television?

You should.

The camera loved you on

Behind Every Famous Man.

Oh.

Tony's just asked me

to screen test for him.

Oh, wow.

Do you think he's trying

to get into my pants?

Maybe, but he's currently in Cameron's.

She's his mistress.

But perhaps

he's looking for a replacement.

- Who are you?

- Archie.

- Who are you?

- Caitlin.

- Where'd you go to school?

- Upmount House. You?

Rugborough.

What do Upmount House girls

and tampons have in common?

- I don't know.

- They're both stuck-up c**ts.

I've got some Malibu upstairs.

Sit down, Fred-Fred.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Ah, come here.

Ugh.

Yeah.

Any New Year's resolutions?

Ah, I think I would probably wish

for things to remain exactly as they are.

For no one to rock the boat, as it were.

I quite like

my boat being rocked.

Rupert.

May I speak to you

for a moment please, alone?

Of course.

That dress is really quite something.

Well, my dress thanks you.

You know, I've been noticing

that you've been

a more frequent visitor here recently.

It's almost like

there's something that you want.

Clever you. I don't think

I realised myself before tonight.

Well, I'm more astute

than your average bear.

And you don't think

I'm being a dreadful cad?

Oh. Well, I mean, obviously you are,

but we both know that.

I appear to be a little stuck.

That doesn't sound like you.

Seems a little pointless being shy,

given all your experience.

There's something

so different about Taggie.

T-- Taggie?

Taggie? My Taggie?

I'm sorry. I--

Oh, my God. She's a bloody child, Rupert.

She's a dim-witted child

who can't even read. Are you--

Oh, I know. You're scared of women

your own age, is that it?

How dare you?

Keeping it in the family, eh, Rupert?

"To and fro we leap

and chase the frothy bubbles,

while all the world is full of

troubles and anxious in its sleep.

Come away, O human child,

with a fairy, hand in hand,

for the world is more full of weeping

than he can understand".

"How many loved

your moments of glad grace,

and loved your beauty

with love false or true,

but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

and loved the sorrows

of your changing face".

What's going on?

It's just another parental drama.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Excuse us. Thank you.

Here, Tone. Any idea

where our kids might be?

Been waiting for our

coats for at least ten minutes.

I mean, I've got no idea where

the help is It's utter chaos.

Taggie, where are the children?

Um I think they're up

in Caitlin's room. Second floor.

Please retrieve our coats.

Thank you, Taggie.

- Excuse me.

- It's this way.

How delightfully ambitious of you,

little brother.

Thank you. I try.

Oh, God. Felicity.

I didn't see you down there.

Fred-Fred.

This is pathetic.

- Disgusting.

- Kids!

Mr Fairburn?

- What's wrong?

- I don't exist.

Sorry?

My mother doesn't know who I am.

The only person who ever loved me

and now she doesn't recognise me.

And soon she'll be gone

and I'll have no one.

- Do you even really exist

- if no one sees you're there?

Yes. I think so.

I hope so.

Oh, my God.

Um. Uh, what can I do?

What can I-- Um

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

Archie.

Archie.

Oh, God.

Mum, I'm vibrating.

- Look.

- Oh, yeah?

Don't be ridiculous, Wayne.

Get out, we're going home. Now, Sharon.

Come on, baby.

- Archie!

- Mmm.

Best night I've had since being a deb.

Come on.

Shelley Makepiece is a common sl*t.

And that O'Hara girl is a minx,

and you are under no circumstances

allowed to fraternise

with either one of them.

It's not a w*r, Dad.

Of course it is!

Everything's a w*r!

Oh.

Maybe one of the London bohos

have OD'd.

They've been doing cocaine

in the loos all night.

Hmm.

Please don't tell anyone.

If Tony finds out, he'll sack me.

What are you doing?

Stop it, please! Can you--

- Was it you that called the ambulance?

- Yeah, he's got pain in his chest.

I'm just finding it

- a little bit difficult to breathe.

- Stop it!

It's all right.

Call me whenever.

I'm always here and happy to help.

- I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

- It's okay.

It's all right.

Just put this over like this

Nice, deep breath.

It's all right. Calm down.

Tell me what happened.

There you are.

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to find your knives and

forks. We borrowed them for the party.

You have to stop. Not everything

is your responsibility, Taggie.

No. No, there's just too much to do.

I'm sorry.

It's just, Mummy spent

way too much money on the party.

There's no one to pay the deejays,

someone's broken a window in the kitchen,

and there is vomit

all over the yellow sofa.

And do you know what I just had to do?

I just had to put Charles in an ambulance

and some awful man took a photo

as he was getting in.

He just looks so alone.

I mean, are we all just alone?

I mean, Ralphie doesn't love me.

What if no one ever loves me?

Promise you that someone will love you.

Just--

You need to go to bed.

To sleep.

I'll deal with the deejays and, uh,

the sofa, and the window.

I'm sorry I was so beastly

to you earlier.

You're not that bad, really.

Let me take those.

Well, you may have forgiven me,

but Gertrude certainly hasn't.

Are you trying to seduce me?

- Always.

- Oh, good.

Lady in red.

Thank you. For everything.

You're the one we should all be thanking.

Put on an incredible party.

No idea how you held it all together.

You are a remarkable person, Taggie.

Okay, who the hell

has a camel on their birthday?

Me and Jesus. A lot in common.

How come you're not

with your folks for Christmas?

You know, past the age of 25,

we don't tend to talk

about our parents all that much.

I just want to know everything about you.

Okay.

Well, my parents divorced when I was 14.

My dad is a teacher.

My mom's an activist.

She wanted to change the world,

but she didn't really want to have

to change her schedule for her family.

Anyway, she ended up meeting someone new

who turned out to be an as*h*le,

and I had to grow up pretty fast.

Been on my own ever since.

What? So you-- you-- you make me talk

about myself and now you're silent.

What, you just gonna go run off

and tell your dad

about poor old Cameron now?

Don't be stupid.

I'm gonna look after you.

I'm gonna blot out

all of the bad memories,

even if it takes a lifetime.

It's a lifetime now, is it?

All right, camel boy, what's the plan?

Just parties every year,

flirting with older women

until you die of gout at 62?

I'm going to write an award-winning play

that changes the world

and art as we know it.

Holy sh*t. The kid's ambitious.

All right.

Why not?

What, don't you think ambition

is a good thing?

Hi.

You give me the roll of photographs

you took at the ambulance,

and I'll pose drunk on those logs, okay?

- Who's the guy?

- Nobody.

You wouldn't get anything for them,

but he's a friend, and I'd mind.

So, how drunk do you want me to be?

Very. Very would be good.

Very it is.

It seems like you've had a happy New Year.

Thanks, boss. Think I've got what I need.

I'll be off home.

Great. Well, Happy New Year.

Did he touch you?

You would have liked him to though,

wouldn't you?

What do you want me to say, Declan?

You used to give me attention,

and now you go to work.

You get to go and be the big man,

and I'm just left here rotting.

I used to be

f*cking beautiful.

You still are.

How would you have liked him to touch you?

And then what would he do?

So, do the English mash everything

because they've got such terrible teeth,

or is this some weird,

wanting-to-be-a-baby bullshit?

Kedgeree's just another thing

they stole during the empire.

Oh, okay. Fun.

- All right. Well, I should go.

- No, no, no, don't go.

I have to go back to university

later today,

and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.

Yeah. Well, I have to. I have work.

Okay.

I'll run you home.

One, I have my own car

because I'm a grown-up.

And two, my home is paid for by my boss

who I also happen to be sleeping with.

So I don't think he'd

much like you dropping me home,

but thank you.

You're sleeping with Tony Baddingham?

He's so old. You can do so much better.

Yeah, I don't remember

asking for your advice.

Tony is smart, powerful,

and he built a company from the ground up.

So when you do that, give me a call.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Happy New Year, Rocky.

I have something for you.

Here you go.

Fun night?

sh*t.

I've been looking at your contract.

You want to leave now

or work your six-week notice?

What? Why?

You cannot fire me.

I'm the best person you've got

and I've done nothing wrong.

- I told you not to go to that party.

- It was New Year's Eve, Tony.

I wanted to go out, and you don't get

- to control every single thing I do.

- This is my life, Cameron,

you do not get to f*ck with it.

I'm not in the business of hiring wh*res!

Hmm. So, you're allowed to flirt

with Sarah Stratton, and f*ck your wife,

but I can't go to a party

or so much as look at another man?

- Oh, you're jealous?

- f*ck off, Tony.

- Did you sleep with him?

- No.

- So why are you wearing his clothes?

- We went for a walk and I got cold.

Tell me the truth.

Did you have sex with that boy?

No. Nothing happened.

You promise me

you will never see him again.

I promise.

I can't, Tony. I-- No, I can't.

- You can.

- I'm tired.

You can if you want to be promoted

to Controller of Programmes.

Then you better f*ck me

as hard as you can.

- Thanks for the washing, Tag.

- You're welcome.

I'm sorry you didn't find anyone

last night.

Actually did end up meeting

someone rather interesting.

- Who?

- I knew you would.

I saw Cameron leaving this morning.

Any celestial light?

She's overflowing with it.

You can't fall in love with her.

Daddy says she's a monster.

I think Patrick should fall in love

with whoever he wants.

Daddy's not always right.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Who is it?

- Oh, my God. Tell me.

- Stop.

Did you snog somebody?

No, not yet.