01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

sh*t!

Carl Deegan, we
want to talk to you

about a sh**ting
earlier this afternoon.

Guernica? You got
a back-up plan?

'We just told a lunatic
we have a plan.'

Yep. We need a plan, don't we?

With a restoration team in there,
that rules out going in at night.

IN SPANISH:

The security guard, I sort
of kept in touch with him.

But now we've got a requirement
for an inside man at the museum.

Hey, hey!

Roberta, are you
mad with Mother?

Shouldn't Mother
be mad with you?

Why, cos I went off
to live my life?

What about what I was owed for
having you being dumped on me?

I know you want a
relationship with your mum,

but you can't get between them.

She doesn't need special treatment.
I'll judge how I treat Caitlin.

I can't end up in
prison like Bert did.

She took the rap because
it was her rap to take.

Your decision to contact us has
been key to our investigation.

GASPING

'You could have k*lled
her, you prick.'

GRUNTING

SICKENING THUD, JACKIE GASPS

It was wild!

I am calling the police. No.

'He deserved that, yeah?'

I did the right thing.

Sam?

Yeah, you did.

I need to speak to Jackie.

No, Bert, not now.
She's at the hospital.

Just need to get
this back. Yeah?

And what if she blabs to the
police? Just give her some space.

Look, take it home.
Get some sleep.

Where are you going?
To check on Caitlin.

'You've reached
Jackie.' BERT GROANS

'Leave a message.'

RINGING TONE, SHE SIGHS

Come on, Jackie.

'You've reached Jackie.
Leave a message.'

f*ck it.

Is he gonna be OK?

He has suffered a head trauma,

and we had to put him
in an induced coma

to avoid the risk of
bleeding on the brain.

He's recovering well,

but the next 12 hours
are very important, OK?

You're a bloody idiot, Craig!

Jackie? No. Out!

You're rewriting what happened.
Look, I was defending you.

What are you playing
at? You cannot be here.

What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to say sorry?

I'm sorry. Please,
you can't be here.

Next of kin only. Yeah, I'm...

When you are ready, the police
would like to speak with you.

Just remember why
you left him, yeah?

SHE SIGHS

GLASS SHATTERS, CAR ALARM WAILS

KNOCK AT DOOR

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Hey. Hey.

He's really hurt, isn't he?

What the hell was that? Is
she going to be a problem?

It was a lot, I know,

but this is what
it's like with Bert.

It's exciting, but it
always gets out of hand.

Sam, we don't have much time.

We can... We can keep
it on track, can't we?

PHONE VIBRATES

Hey...

We can make this work.

Yeah, we can.

And if for some reason,
it doesn't work,

we make sure our fingerprints
are not on this job.

What if Jackie talks to
the police? She won't.

She just needs to cool off.

I think she's out.

There is a version of this where
we don't go through with the job.

No, there isn't.

Sam, think of the
life we could have.

It's three days away.

I can manage this.
I'll go see Jackie.

OK. What do you need from me?

Nothing for now. You relax.

Yeah?

Sam?

c*ck CROWS

All right?

Hello?

'It's Sam. Leave a message.'

Where are you?

SIGHS

Where is the
controlling cow, eh?

SOFT CLUCKING

"I don't know, Bert,
they've all f*cked off."

Oh. Oh, have they now?

SIGHS

RINGING TONE

'It's Sam. Leave a message.'

FRUSTRATED HISS

CAITLIN, IN SPANISH:

Someone answer
their f*cking phone!

PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah?

'Bert. It's Blas.'

Where the hell have you been?

'There's a problem.'

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

SHE SIGHS

Jackie. Jackie.

Hey, Jackie!

You know, Bert was here,
telling me she was defending me.

Didn't want to know. And
then the police turned up.

And you told 'em it was Bert?

No.

I said I didn't want
to talk right now.

Please don't talk to the police.

I haven't decided
what I'm gonna do.

But one thing I
do know - I'm out.

Without you, this whole
thing falls apart.

We need you! I
don't want to do it.

I can keep her on track.

No, you can't.

If you could, you'd
have done it years ago.

SIGHS

Argh! Ah, f*ck!

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

'She's out.'

She can't be.

'What the hell are we gonna do?'

Maybe I'll contact Selene,
buy some more time.

And look weak? No. I'll...

'I'll finish the rig,
I'll be the lookout,

'whatever it takes.'

I'm sorry, I just...

We need you on the inside.

'If anything, we need more
of a distraction, not less.

'But don't worry,
I'll work it out.'

Fine. Then let me handle Jackie.

'OK.' OK.

OK.

SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

HE SIGHS

Hiya, Mum.

'How long until you
can come home, Bilal?'

Not long now. I'm
nearly finished.

And I'll be on the first
flight out of here.

'Can I see it?' Of course.

'Imagine being paid
to copy a painting.

'Oh, Bilal, it is beautiful.'

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah, it's all in the
glazing with Dali.

'Give over. Never mind
Dali. You did that!

'Bilal, you can do anything
you set your mind to.'

Thanks, Mum.

SIGHS

SHE CHUCKLES, HE SIGHS

All right?

The watch you gave me, the police
chased me to question me about it.

Well, if you'd have given
it to Maria like I asked,

then no-one would
chase you anywhere.

If you hadn't given
me a stolen watch,

then I wouldn't have
been trying to sell...

You think I got it out
of a Christmas cr*cker?

It's too risky for me
at the museum right now.

What's wrong?

You. You're what's wrong?
Hanging around here.

You're embarrassing yourself
like a dog with its d*ck out.

Now get back to the Reina Sofia.

Don't talk to me
like that. Or what?

Or I'll let Sam know
that you're lying.

Yeah?

Or the authorities. Yeah?

Then I'll let the authorities know
that you help me lie about cancer.

So you knock yourself out.

Maybe it's me that should
give someone a call.

You do that, you'll
end up back in prison.

LAUGHS

You think I give
a sh*t about that?

I tell you someone who
wouldn't fare well in prison.

You.

See, they love ex-screws inside.

You think about all that
lovely attention you'd get.

Stop crying and
get back to work.

Hey. You need to rein it in.

What? Well, Jackie's out,

we still don't have a
distraction and Blas just called.

What did he want? The
police are onto him.

Yeah. I spoke to him.

Well, we can't expect
him to manage it.

Yeah, OK, well, you manage
Jackie, and I'll manage Blas.

No, you need to let
me deal with everyone.

How am I [?]

Cheers for asking [!]

I got into a fight
defending our mate.

I wonder how I am [!]

You're right. How
are you? I'm OK.

But then I'm always
OK, aren't I?

Right, let's go together
to sort Blas out, yeah?

Yeah. Right.

You go in there and
you front it, yeah?

You don't mess this up cos
you can't tell a white lie

about a nicked watch.

Whatever they say
- deny, deny, deny.

OK.

We'll wait on the
next street over.

MACHINE BEEPS

Hi.

Have you slept?

BREATHES DEEPLY

You have had an enormous shock.

And this could be a long road.

The best advice I have is
go home and do something -

even if it's just for 20 minutes
- that is just about you.

SOFTLY: OK?

PHONE BUZZES

SHE EXHALES SHAKILY

IN SPANISH:

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

PHONE BUZZES

Hello?

That's great.

We'll go together. Meet at mine.

Jackie's agreed to meet Caitlin.

I'll take you back to the house.

Get out your hair?

They're looking for two women
in connection with the watches.

And the theft of a holy relic?

Did they get a
description? Apparently.

We need to lay low in
Madrid for a couple of days,

do this when there's less heat.

No, no, no. You need to go back
to Madrid and stick to the plan.

Police are looking
for you. Are you mad?

We're still doing
this. We're so close.

We need to make this happen.
Then we can all disappear.

I think we should split
up. That's convenient.

You just said that there's
a description of two women.

It makes sense to split up.

Also, you're sick. You need to
rest to be ready for the big day.

I don't think you want me to have
a rest, you want a rest from me.

SAM SIGHS I'm taking you back.

I'll keep you informed of
everything that happens, OK?

PHONE RINGS

GASPS

sh*t.

Hello?

'Ey, up, gorgeous.
I'm out on bail.

I need to get home,

and you, Obi Wan Ke-nobhead,
are my only hope.

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY Me?

That little sh*t Prak's been making
moves on my patch in Bradford

while I've been banged up.

He's gonna lose his
marbles when he finds out

what's happened to
his cousin Kyan.

Wait, what has happened
to Kyan? Is he not OK?

Never mind all that. Listen.

Seeing as you're the reason I were
banged up in the first place...

...you're gonna help
me get out of Spain.

'And I can't exactly jump on the

Can't Rocky help you?

'Can't get in touch with him.'

And even if I could,

he hasn't robbed a massive
bag of money off me, has he?

Deegs, look, I can't,
I'll get in trouble.

Do you know how much trouble
you're gonna get in if you don't?

'I need that money today.'
And what about my mum?

'I just had a lovely
little chat with her.'

So, do this for me,
your mum'll be sweet,

your debts'll be cleared.

Me and you back to square
one, yeah? Old buddy, old pal.

Go on, then. Let's have
a look at that painting.

I know you're making a copy.

Come on, then. Chop, chop.

'It's proper good that, Bilal.'

Who did it originally?
Salvador Dali.

'Did he?!'

LAUGHS

Dirty b*stard.

It's good, that. LAUGHS

All right, then. I'll
see you in a bit, yeah?

Get us that money, you prick.

CHICKEN CLUCKS

EXHALES

MOUTHS: f*ck.

Where are you going?

I need to do something,
and I need to do it now,

and if you don't let me...
I can't finish the picture.

What?

Deegs is out. He needs this
money. That massive lump? Bilal.

He said if I do it,
he'll clear my debts.

If I don't, how do I ever go back
to Bradford? How do I ever go home?

I don't know, but I do know

that you're going back in that
house and finishing that picture.

You got your money, so paint.

What are you doing? Get up.

It needs to be finished
by tomorrow. No.

If you don't let me
go, I won't finish it.

I don't care if you sh**t me.

Get your phone out. No.

Get your phone out. Why?

Get back in the house.
We're gonna sort this out.

Come on.

Got no mates your
own age to phone?

I wanted to see if
you needed anything.

You've been sent on
a charm offensive.

Firstly, I wanted to
see how you were doing.

Secondly, how your husband is.

You don't care
how my husband is.

Do you?

Listen, when I met you, you were
not only doing something you loved

but something you were good at.

Why do you want
this job so badly?

I'm just a huge fan of art.

And I'm sick of being broke.

My place is so small, I can touch
the toilet from the end of my bed.

Bloody hell.

Handy if you want a
wee. CAITLIN CHUCKLES

Look, I just want you in, man.

You seem straight up -
you know, for a crook.

Hmph! Well, you know
what to say to a girl [!]

Listen.

Those two are full of sh*t.

My husband is lying in
there because of them.

It does sound like he
went pretty nuts, though.

That's not the point.

I'm still f*cking
raging with Bert.

It's so much money, though.

And I know that money
isn't everything,

but money buys you the time

to decide how far away from
this life you want to be.

SIGHS

So, are you in?

Jackie?

Yes.

But my foot will be on the pedal,
and I am in charge of when we leave

and who gets left behind
if they're misbehavin'.

Entiendes?

Well done. Thank you.

Well, you did what
Bert and I couldn't.

She still isn't happy.

Oh, well, the money she's
gonna make from this job

will put a spring in her step.

So, our next problem - the
distraction at the museum.

Yeah, we're working on that.

Look, I didn't wanna mention it

cos, you know, we've got
enough on our plate, but...

...Bert's in a
volatile place. OK.

I mean, she can sense
being managed a mile off,

so she has to think
that she isn't being,

else we run the risk of the
wheels completely coming off.

Thank you for trusting me.

It's OK.

Well, come on.


Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Er,
I'll be there. With the money.

That's it. Good boy.

Now all you have to do is
stay here... and finish this.

I'm nearly there.

Bloody hell, Bilal.

I'm not just a pretty face.

BOTH CHUCKLE

No, you're a good 'un.

Just don't c*ck it up
at the final hurdle

or I'll batter you.

Right.

I'm off to see a
man about a dog.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.
f*cking spare me.

Where's Bilal?

What do you want Bilal for? I
thought you just wanted the money.

I do.

Come and get it, then.

Drop the bag and piss off.

SIGHS

Just...

g*n c*ck

While you're down there.

IN SPANISH:

PHONE BUZZES

MUFFLED GRUNTING

Take this bag off my
head, you psychotic cow.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, OK, cos you've got such
a lovely way with words [!]

Argh.

HE GRUNTS, SHE LAUGHS

Hey. Bert?

Bert's gone to pay off Deegs.

What?! Whoa, whoa. Just wait.

Erm, let me explain.

c*ck g*n Ah!

What you doing? Where are we?

Up we go.

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Move!

INDISTINCT MUFFLED SPEECH

SHE GRUNTS

Ah! f*cking ankle.

Ah!

Get down, all right?

Ah! Ah!

Yargh!

Ah! Jesus!

Your mum must've dropped
you on your head or summat,

I swear to God.
Shut up. Sit still.

You're f*cking mental. Argh! Ah!

All right.

HE GROANS, SHE YELLS

Bas...! F-F-f*ck!

Aa-a-a-a-a-ah! f*ck.

HE GROWLS What do you want?!

I want you to stay
out of my business.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, well, that's not
gonna happen, is it?

Yeah, I've heard you've got Bilal
forging a Dali painting for you.

I reckon I know why
you're doing that.

That sounds like fun.

f*cking knew it.

f*ck.

HE YELLS, GRUNTS

You've burst my eardrum!

Yeah? I think I've caught your
ear there, as well, Mr President.

Argh! What do you want?

Just tell me what you
want and I'll do it.

You gonna leave Bilal alone?
Yeah, I'll leave him alone.

Just let me go.

Yeah, the thing is, if
I take you back with me,

I don't think
you're gonna behave,

cos I don't think you're
capable of behaving, are you?

HE PANTS Mm? So...

Aa-a-argh!

HE SPITS

I'd lick that up if I were you.

It's all you'll get for two
days, cos I'm leaving you here.

You're f*cking not!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am.

And if you keep using all
your energy to get free,

then you're going to
get sweaty and knackered

and really f*cking thirsty.

And that'll bring your need for
water up to, what, in this heat?

Mm, day and a half?

So maybe you wriggle free.

Maybe you make it
to the next town,

which is about three
hours away on foot.

But in which direction?

So, that's the decision
you're gonna have to make.

Or you sit there like
a good little boy,

and in two days' time, someone's
gonna come pick you up,

give you your money, and then
off you f*ck on your merry way.

Argh! f*ck you!

HE GROWLS Argh!

HE GROANS

HE PANTS

Argh, just leave me
alone, you nightmare!

And if you need
a little wee-wee,

you'll have to do
that in your knickers.

Argh!

SHE LAUGHS

Deegs? Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, am I disobeying the boss [?]

Where did you go?
Out of the way.

Cos you said I couldn't
mind my own business.

SAM SCOFFS

She gets like this, your mum.

What happened to
him? Where is he?

I'm finished. I've done my bit.

Have you done yours? Yep.

You won't hear a
peep out of Deegs,

and you're on the last
plane out of here tonight.

So, go on, show us the
goods. Right. Wait there.

Right, gently now.

Yeah. Yeah.

Bilal, it's beautiful.
It's perfect.

BILAL CHUCKLES

Take him to the
airport, Caitlin.

Argh, mwah! Oh!

Well done. Thanks.

SAM CHUCKLES See you.

Good luck, guys.

You don't have to look at
her like that. Like what?

Like you're a team and
you're edging me out.

I'm not edging you out,
Bert, I'm trying to help.

Where is Deegs?

Probably in a puddle
of his own piss.

But we don't have to
worry about him any more.

SAM SIGHS

Where are you going now? Out.

Out, OK?

I need time to think.

Hey.

Hello.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

We're doing a job.

Bert and I. Big money.

I think you'd make a great
addition to the team.

There's no "team" in "I".

CHUCKLES DRILY

What's the job, exactly?

Huh? You need a
baby-sitter for Bert?

That's not what's required.
That's always what's required.

So, what's the job?

A heist in two days.

Cutting it fine, aren't you?

Well, we need someone who can
cause a mistake-sized distraction

long enough for us
to get in and out.

All differences aside,
you're the perfect person.

What are you paying?

A million euros.

What are you stealing?
The Crown Jewels?

I only share that
information with my team.

Give me the address
and my job description

and I'll be there.

Well... we're gonna
need you before that.

Mm. Of course you do.

This one-million-euro
job... Why don't we wait?

She's dying.

Wait until she's
gone. Then we do it.

We'll get a larger cut.

No.

It's her dying wish.

Still sentimental.

Well, play your cards right,
you might get it anyway.

She always had a
soft spot for you.

So, are you in?

Can I trust you?

Well, as much as
anyone can trust Bert.

That's not what I asked.

Can I trust YOU?

Oi-oi. Did he get
on his plane? Yeah.

And now that we've got Jackie back
on our side, we're winning. Hey.

Don't get mad, but I've invited
someone to help lighten the load.

Roberta.

No. Absolutely not. I
don't want her involved.

You wanted her here
in the first place.

Yeah, now I don't.

Well, Caitlin can't be the only
distraction. It won't be big enough.

And what is more distracting
than this? Oh, give it a rest.

You've been knocking out
the same schtick for years.

We don't want your help.

That's not what you said
when you came to see me.

We do need the help.

From anyone but her.

Bert, it's you and I with 30
seconds to switch a painting.

We have to have all
eyes away from us.

We need someone
who can make sure

everyone leaves the
Masturbator room,

someone skilled enough to turn
the crowd to our advantage.

Control the crowd and
we control the space.

Calm, Roberta.

Let's all work together.

You don't have to worry.

I put on a show
to end all shows.

Nobody will be remotely
interested in you two.

Yeah. BERT HUFFS

Oh, nice ambush. I'd
only have been an ambush

if you hadn't already been
backchannelling to her.

I want to see her because of
everything happening with me

and she was just sh*t.

Well, you were right.
We do need her.

Yeah, what's she gonna do?

Jump out of a cake or have everyone
trip over on her bingo ba*ls?

Well, we haven't
discussed the details yet.

Who, you and Caitlin? No!

Me and Miss Take,
or me and you, Bert!

You're worrying me. You
don't have to worry about me.

Well, you're acting out. Yeah?

f*ck!

MUTTERS: f*ck. How's your hand?

Fine! I scraped it.

Did you?

So, you're Sam's daughter?

Mm-hm.

I see it. It's the eyes.

So, how are you finding
being back with your mother?

Good.

I'm glad.

I don't think she's
natural mother material.

But then who among
us is, really?

SIGHS

What's gonna happen
when all this is done?

Are you gonna come
back, nurse me,

or are you going to sail off
into the sunset with Caitlin

and just leave me?

I told you I'd take care of you.

Gets messy towards the end,
though. What do you want me to do?

Are you even sad that I'm dying?

Of course.

How long do you hope it's gonna
be until I actually die, though?

What sort of question is that?

Because you want rid of me,
don't you, as soon as possible?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do.
You've wanted rid of me all day.

You can't even let
me in on my own job.

Cos let's remember,
this is my job. I know!

BERT LAUGHS

Oh!

This is nothing compared
to what I'm capable of.

Getting in and out of a museum
and stealing a painting.

It's a piece of piss compared
to what I can get out of.

What, prison?

SAM CHUCKLES You got
yourself out of prison?

How?

You haven't got
cancer, have you?

And it's took you this long to
even think about working that out.

Why would you lie about that?

Oh, my God, you're deranged.

No, I'm not. I'm smart. I
am so much smarter than you.

I worked out how to pay for
a cancer patient's records,

and then I lined up all
the people inside prison.

I took pills so that you thought
that I was sick, which made me sick,

and, actually, that was really
f*cking inconvenient at times.

CHUCKLES

I played the long
game, and here I am!

That is so much better than
any con that you could come up.

I put you to bed.

We-We drank to life.

Oh, admit that you're
a little bit impressed.

And anyway, I'm not dead
now, so aren't you happy?

To life!

Why?

There are worse things
that I could have done.

What's worse than pretending
you're dying of cancer?

Wearing a wire for the police
like a nasty little grass.

I didn't. Yeah, you did.

And then you watched as they
dragged me out of that club,

and you pretended that
we were in it together.

And I never once
gave them your name.

And then I wrote to you, and I
said, "You go and live your life."

But you'd betrayed
me, hadn't you?

SAM BREATHES SHAKILY

I didn't have a choice.

They were coming for
you, and you were wild.

We were gonna end up dead.

You put me inside! You
put yourself inside!

The police came to my door
because you put us on their radar.

I didn't have a choice!
We always have a choice!

Not with you, Bert,

because you push and you push
until you're in a corner.

And that is what you're doing
now. You were nothing without me!

You were just some
knocked-up little teen

working in a shitty little
club in the middle of nowhere.

You think I don't hate myself?

No.

I'd have preferred to serve a
sentence than live with this guilt.

You said you were my friend.

And then you took away
ten years of my life.

SAM CHUCKLES

You're gonna f*ck me
over, aren't you? Huh?

Do you know, the only
thing that we can both know

is that we need this money so that
we can never see each other again.

And aren't you f*cking lucky

that trumps me
putting you in prison?

But how do I know
that I can trust you?

Cos I'm doing this for
Caitlin, and she needs this.

f*ck you.

You're doing it for you, cos
you're a con through and through.

And when this is done, I'm gone.

SIGHS

I haven't got cancer.

Well, that's good news.

I had to do
something to get out.

I made friends with
the prison nurse.

And she needed the money,
so I saw an opening.

So, why keep up the lie?

Because it's the only way
I could get Sam to see me.

And cos I wanted her to
feel it when I hurt her.

Cos I wanted her to pay.

For what?

For putting me in prison.

She was a police informant. I
found out when I was inside.

So this is all revenge.

It didn't need to be. I...

I turned that around
in my head. I...

I was gonna split
the money with her.

She just used me,
like she always did.

I'm sorry.

I should have stayed with you.

You're the only person that's
ever really understood me.

How do you know she's not planning
to do the same thing again?

Because she's doing
it for Caitlin.

Roberta...

...we said some hurtful
things to one another.

Yeah.

I need you to know that this
isn't just about the money.

Bert, you were hard to love.

But Mateo and I, we
cared deeply for you.

Is the job real?

Yeah.

Is the money real?

Very.

Can I be sure that
I can trust you?

Pinky promise.

I will watch your back.

But anything to do
with you and Sam...

...not my problem.

You understand?

Yeah, I understand.

BERT SNIFFS

STIFLES SOBS

THEY CHUCKLE

CAITLIN: Are you going to be OK?

I only agreed to do
this job cos I thought

she'd be dead by the end of
it, and now I'm stuck with her.

When this is done,
we need to leave.

We'll have enough money.
We can go anywhere.

Why would she lie like that?
Because she was born a liar.

I'm just sorry you got
pulled into all this.

Look, I know you
believed in her,

but you cannot trust a
single word that she says.

Can we trust her to do the job?

Yeah, because without this, she
really does have nothing left.

MISS TAKE: 'Will
you stop moving?'

BERT: 'Ow! That hurts.'

Well, hold still, Bert.

My mum never does my hair.

When's she coming back?

She's not.

But you're OK here
with me, aren't you?

Yeah.

LIVELY MUSIC, CHATTER

Showtime.

Hola. Would you?

Hm?

Come on, the flowers.

But they look so good.

We don't want any, thank you.

Goodbye.

MISS TAKE LAUGHS, SPEAKS SPANISH

MUSIC FADES

Trust nobody, kid.

MUSIC: 'Tainted
Love' by Gloria Jones

DOOR OPENS

♪ I toss and turn I
can't sleep at night

♪ Once, I ran to you

♪ Now I'll run from you

♪ This tainted love you've given

♪ I give you All a boy
could give you... ♪

You want some?

You must be starving.

♪ Oh, tainted love Oh, oh, oh

♪ Tainted love

♪ Now I know I've
got to run away

♪ I've got to get away

♪ You don't really
want Any love from me

♪ To make things right You
need someone to hold you tight

♪ And you think love is to play.

♪ Well, I'm sorry I
don't play that way. ♪

♪ Once, I ran to you... ♪