01x05 - Bleep Bleep

[bunniefuu]

I'm alive.
MILLIE AND TOM: Oh!

Ha-ha. Phew.
MILLIE CHUCKLES

Hm-hm.

So, er...
CLEARS THROAT

Millie, erm, how was your night off?

Get up to anything fun
with anyone boyfriend-y or...?

I'm not seeing anyone.
No?

Unless you count
the crow that lives in my wall.

No, no, I drank a whole can
of Thunder Piss energy drink at 6pm

and decided to come here
and alphabetise the dips.

Aioli to tzatziki.

Yeah.

Although,
I think tzatziki begins with a T.

What?

I mean, I could help you alphabetise
the dips tonight, maybe?

I'd like that.
You'd like that?

Yeah.
Great!

HE LAUGHS

That would be fanta...
That would... Not exa...

Not great, just good... actually.
Oh.

Soooo... how was your night off?

Pfft. Big night.

Really?
Yeah, it was. Dancing, actually.

Working on some moves,

adjusting those moves
in order to maximise performance.

It's important to stay
on top of your game

when it comes to these things.

I'd love to go dancing.

Must be amazing to have
people to go with.

Yeah, big time. Big time.

Although this was actually
just me by myself at home

in front of the mirror.
Oh.

Teaching myself the robot,

just in case, er, I do ever
venture out for a night out.

CHUCKLES

Let me see if I can remember it,
actually.

It was, er, left arm up,
right arm up,

twizzle both 90 degrees,
pop a shoulder if there's time,

point, point, point, point, point,
cheeky little wink,

er, and repeat.

Wow. I'd love to see it sometime.

Listen, erm, I was thinking,
well, you're a woman, and...

Yes.
..I'm a man.

DOOR OPENS

Trust me,
I've made that mistake before.

Give it a few years.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.
I was on a date.

Wowza.
Keep it in your pants, Millie.

And you couldn't have got changed
before work?

I'm transgender, Thomas.
How much more change do you want?

You want my advice
for landing a man?

It all starts by swiping right.

Unless he's a southpaw.

Then you swipe left,
upper cut to the chin,

turning kick to the knee,
and he's out for the count.

Thank you, Beefy,
but I did not put in all this effort

to land one man
for the rest of my life.

I did it because they might be
bringing back national service.

Either way,
if I'm gonna end up with one person,

I need them to be
my intellectual match.

Oh, when's the wedding?
What wedding?

To the sound of your own voice.

Sit down. Join the circle.

So, what's all this, then?
Oh, wait, no, let me guess.

Erm, speed dating for ugly people.

I really hope it's Squid Games!

Not for the m*rder.
I'm just in it for the cookies.

All I know is I came in this evening

and Simon had locked himself
in his office,

jabbering on
about taking back control.

I'm no psychiatrist,
but I think this divorce

has really pushed him over the edge.

SIMON OVER TANNOY: 'Your lack of
faith is duly noted, employee 8402.'

Where are these numbers coming from?
There's literally five of us.

'You are looking at the future
of Pellocks.

'The boxes before you contain the
latest customer-facing AI technology

'that...
that Pellocks could afford.'

Wow. I had no idea
there was an East Korea.

We will no longer be relying
on human connection,

only to have it smashed back in
our face like a custard pie of lies.

'Shouldn't that be "custody" pie?'

His wife's taken the kids.
Lovely bit of wordplay.

'Employee 6478,
open the box in front of you.'

That's me.

Ooh.

"The V-Scan staff headset
allows retail staff

"the hands-free ability
to scan stock items,

"alerting them at a glance
to which products are out of date

"and in need of disposal."

I've seen these. They are amazing.
Type in "VR porn". Yeah.

All of the sights,
none of the smells.

It's a game-changer, people.
It really is.

Here we go.

'V-Scan uses machine learning to
speed up the stock-taking process,

'eliminating the need for employees

'to waste time communicating
during their shifts.'

BEEPING,
CHIMING

Hang on, guys,
let's think about this for a second.

Is this really
what we wanna be doing?

Giving ourselves over
to the machines?

What happened to a time when AI

was just the sound of a Scottish
person agreeing with you twice?

Tom, it's a bit of plastic.

Call me a sceptic, but I'll believe
the machines are listening

when I stop receiving emails
for p*nis enlargement spam.

'Employee 1610,
designation "Beefy".'

You will be testing
the Bluetooth range

for the brand-new
anti-theft geo-tagged trolleys.

'You need to get as far away
from the store as possible

'so we can judge how far they...

'1610?

'Beefy?'
She's off.

'OK.

'Employee 8402,
you are going to be the voice

'of Pellocks' brand-new
self-service scanners.

'The modern customer
loves nothing more

'than arguing with a machine
at checkout.'

Your voice will give it that
much-needed sense of spinelessness

that make people feel superior.

CACKLES

And if I refuse to hand over
my identity to a machine?

Record the phrases, 8402!

And try to add
a little bit of... flavour.

Sorry, if you want a strong flavour,
you come for blue cheese,

not, you know, Babybel wax.

Sorry, Thomas.

I'll do it.
I could do a celebrity voice.

AMERICAN ACCENT:
"Ah, please place the item

"inside the, ah, the bagging area."

Jeff Goldblum.

I know!
That is good.

'Ah, yes, employee 666.'
Clever.

'For you, I have
an alternative surprise.

'Open the box in front of you.'

I feel like there's a hate crime
in here I'm not seeing.

The average idiot customer
cannot tell the difference

between a "display-by" date
and a "best-by" date.

CHUCKLES

As supermarkets, we are encouraged
to donate to foodbanks

anything we can no longer
legally display.

However, since Pellocks
is graciously raising money

for your gender reassignment
surgery,

we are going to turn
these un-displayable products

into free giveaways
to incentivise donations.

SIMON CACKLES

Don't stare too long,
you might fall in love.

The sooner you learn
to love yourself,

the sooner you'll get over
this crush on Millie.

Shut up, you d*ck!

Shush!

Maybe I do like Millie, OK?

Maybe it won't go anywhere.
What's she doing?

Whoa.
At least I'm willing to try.

You couldn't handle a relationship
with another human being

cos you could never love anyone
as much as you love yourself.

Oh.

Oh. Mm.

According to this headset, these
dogs are dangerously out of date.

'Millie, go through the batch, and
immediately throw out the bad ones.

'Olivia, start programming the
scanner, and don't do a silly voice.

'That is all.

'Yeah, can I order
one Bombay potato,

'one spinach paneer,
two pilau rice, and one pasanda?'

Let go of the button!

Millie, you've been doing this
for hours, so...

listen, I was thinking,
maybe we could take a break?

You and me together?
No need. This thing is amazing.

AI is literally teaching itself
to go faster.

All I have to do is look at a jar,
and the headset has taught itself

to recognise bad ones
just by the picture.

You know, speaking of things that
are right in front of your face

and should have been said
a long time ago,

erm, well, I was... I was wondering
what you're doing tonight?

I was thinking perhaps
you could pop over to mine

and, I don't know, I could go over
some more of my dance moves for you?

Yeah, yeah. You go on without me.
Oh.

Go on without me.

Yeah, OK, yeah, sure, I...

..I-I'll print you out a PDF.

Easier to follow.
Mm-hm.

SIGHS

OK, then.

I'll just...

Remove. Remove. Remove.

Remove. Remove. Remove. Remove.

Remove.

Remove. Remove. Remove. Remove!

"Thank you
for shopping at Pellocks."

RECORDING: 'Thank you
for shopping at Pellocks.'

BEEP
Great, last one.

Three hours of my life!

I could have been getting
wined, dined and reclined.

SIGHS
'Is there a problem?'

Do you know what? Yeah.

Yeah, there is a problem.
What if Thomas is right?

What if I'm never gonna meet a man
I've got anything in common with

other than the ability
to urinate standing up?

'Would you like more time?'

That's exactly what I need,
is more time

if I'm ever gonna find
the perfect man.

'I hope you come again.'

You and me both.

'Can I help you find
what you're looking for?

'Please touch to continue.'

BEEP

Ooh.

EXHALES

SIMON OVER TANNOY: 'I'm afraid
that won't be possible, 8402.'

You see, with my new
one-touch system interface,

I can now control
every inch of the store

without ever having to leave
the safety of my office ever again.

This is inhumane, Simon.
We're not your little robots.

I'm a man.

And I need to pop outside
and have a puff

of my strawberry
bubble gum-flavoured water vapour.

Now please just open the door!

'Is that insubordination I sense,

'No, I-I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have...'

Perhaps you need a moment
to, er, cool down.

SIMON CACKLES
No. Please.

CACKLING CONTINUES

GROANS

SIGHS,
SCOFFS

'Oh, I thought it would be better
than that.'

Remove. Remove.

Remove. Remove.
Remove. Remove. Remove.

Destroy.

Remove. Remove. Remove.

Remove. Remove.

Remove. Remove. Remove. Remove.

LIV LAUGHS

Oh, my God, don't be such a square.
'Please enter item manually.'

Steady on. Most people pay extra
for that kind of thing.

I need you and your superhuman ego
to put a stop to Simon.

All this new technology's
tearing people apart.

And by "people",
you mean "you and Millie"?

Pfft! No.

Although since you asked,
the stupid new headset

is making her act
like I don't even exist.

Or maybe
she's just not that into you.

If you've come
for relationship advice,

I've kind of got my own thing
going on right now.

'Hello, Thomas.'

S-Sorry, what am I looking at?

His name is Scaniel Radcliffe.

His name is Scaniel Radcliffe?

His name is Scaniel Radcliffe.

And we were having
a very nice conversation

before you came along.

'Is there a problem?'
Calm down, babe, he's a friend.

Am I the only person left
in the shop

that isn't being
actively driven insane by a machine?

You know what? This ends now.

Ignore him. He's never gonna
understand what we have.

Yes.

KNOCK AT DOOR
My little worker bees.

Bring the honey to your Daddy Queen.

Simon, let me in! Simon!
THOMAS GRUNTS

HISSES

I didn't have time to think
of a clever catchphrase.

Simon, your precious technology is
bringing the worst out in everybody.

You've become
a paranoid control freak.

Liv's narcissism is off the scale.

Millie's gonna work herself
into an early grave,

and who even knows what
darkly ironic, Black Mirror-style

sci-fi horror situation
Beefy Linda's got herself into.

CHUCKLES

Did you see that?
LAUGHS

Oh, my God.

THOMAS SIGHS

You're putting people's jobs
and lives

and casual work friendships at risk.

It's time for the experiment to end.

No. People come and go, 8402.

Stay focused on what's important -
professional achievement.

There is no room for sentiment
on the road to progress.

Consider the bigger picture.

HISSES

It's today's date.

I guess these must have come for you
this morning.

I'm... I'm sorry.

You think the more control you have,

the less chance there'll be
of you ever getting hurt again.

But life's about learning to live
with the things

that you can't control.

I know what it's like, I do.

Shutting off the parts of you that
feel pain, or wanting to, at least.

But...

you're not a "machine-ager", Simon.

You're a "man-ager".

And right now,
your employees need your help.

Hm.

Simon?
Hm.

Simon?

Hmm.

Simon?
HIGH-PITCHED: Hmm.

Oh, well. Can't win them all.
THOMAS GRUNTS

Just scoot you over there.

THOMAS SIGHS
Oh, Millie.

If only you knew.

MILLIE YELLS

Ooh, that's a bit excessive.

MILLIE YELLS

MILLIE: Remove!

Liv! Liv!

Remove. Remove. Liv.

BREATHES HEAVILY
Liv, Millie's gonna k*ll you.

Wh...?

This isn't what it looks like.

'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

Liv!
Oh! She's here!

THOMAS
BREATHES HEAVILY

Hellooo.

Millie, it's me, it's your
assistant manager, Thomas Rice.

I know you're still in there,
and I know you don't wanna do this.

We all wanna k*ll Liv, we do.

But we can't, we're family.

And family don't cut each other
out of each other's lives.

Neither literally or figuratively.

Millie, please, just...

just take off the headset.

THOMAS
BREATHES HEAVILY

Ah.

YELLS

No! No, no, no, wait! Wait!

Wait!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Oh...

Thomas, what are you doing?

In order to defeat a machine,
one must think like a machine.

This is literally bringing
nothing to the table!

You think of something better!

YELLS,
THOMAS SCREAMS

Who is doing this?!

And lo... God sent a flood to wash
away all that he had created.

MACHINE: 'Insert your card.
Massive savings. Please. Save.

'Insert your card.
Massive savings.'

SOBS

'Please insert your card.'
No! No! No!

'Please. Savings. Savings.
Please save.

'Please save. Olivia.'
No, no, no, no!

DISTORTED:
'Please save. Save. Save. Save.

'Goodbye.'

Goodbye, Scaniel.

MILLIE: Get it off, get it off!
Millie!

SHE SHRIEKS
Millie!

SHE SQUEALS

SHE GASPS

Tom. What happened?

# Because love can carry me, ooh

# To you

# To you... #

RUMBLING

# It's a simple truth that I... #

SHE RETCHES,
SPLASH

SHE COUGHS

Those hotdogs I ate!
SHE RETCHES

HE RETCHES,
SPLASH

THEY RETCH

SIMON OVER TANNOY:
'Good morning, team.'

SIMON YAWNS

'Simon here to remind you
that Pellocks "wuvs woo"

'and that I'm really sorry
about last night. Ha!'

It would have never worked out.
You were too similar.

Also, it's an industrial appliance.

Yeah, well,
at least he treated me with respect.

I didn't go on a date tonight.

He texted half an hour before

saying he didn't want to go out
with me because I used to be a man.

I told him, "Everyone you've ever
slept with used to be a child."

Call me a sceptic,
I reckon that's probably worse.

I am sick of men making me feel like
I'm only half a woman.

Join the club, sister.
How are you feeling?

Better.

Sprinkler brought
my temperature down.

I am sorry I tried to m*rder you
with a cleaver.

I feel like a right berk.
THEY CHUCKLE

'In a funny way,

'I think last night might have
brought us closer together.'

Ah...
LAUGHS

Me and Tom are gonna go
to the staff room for a Pot Noodle.

Do you wanna join us?

Erm... no.

No, do you know what?

I reckon I'm just gonna stay here
and have a little cry.

You two should go on your own.

Millie, y-you go ahead,
I'll catch you up.

I'm just gonna have
a little moment with Liv. Thanks.

Have you got any advice?
Erm, yeah.

Never...

Yeah? Mm-hm.
..ever... ever...

Yeah.
..do a**l.

What?

I knew a girl called Genevieve.
She tried a**l with her boyfriend.

She farted halfway through,
and his testicles exploded.

That's a good chat, thanks.
Yeah.

Yeah, that's really useful.
THOMAS GRUNTS

PHONE CHIMES

AUTOMATED VOICE:
'Welcome back, Olivia. Let's begin.'