01x04 - Impeccable She Casuals

[bunniefuu]

- [clock ticking]
- [birds chirping]

[alarm clock rings]

♪ Free your mind ♪

[grunts]

♪ I wear tight clothing... ♪

Take that! Take that!

♪ It doesn't mean... ♪

HSN!

Suck... my... d*ck!

You don't win.

I win.

♪ Free your mind ♪

What did Bill and Melinda Gates
do wrong

besides no prenup?

They used their profits

to create a charity.

We're gonna use a charity
to create profits.

Joanna's inspiring battle
with cancer

has really connected
with our audiences.

Has it?

[Patricia]
The "Joanna Strong" hashtag

has brought user engagement

to the SVN website up 28%.

"Joanna Strong."

- Sounds so good.
- [Joanna chuckles]

#Joanna Strong.

You are strong,

- so it makes sense.
- Yeah.

#Joanna Strong.

So beautiful. It's so good.

- "Joanna Strong."
- Yeah.

[Patricia] Next month,
a special charity weekend

with...

Yes?

Uh, I love this idea.

I think it's grand.

Um, I was just wondering,
though, if it might be,

uh, better to make it
for another charity,

such as, um, you know,
hurricane awareness

or the A*DS Quilt

or people who have,

you know,
needs that are not being met.

Do I have "suggestion box"
on my forehead?

- Mm.
- Great. Everybody excited?

- Good. Me, too. Thank you.
- Yes.

Been a, yes, honey. What is it?

Uh, did somebody eat
my dog's medication?

It was in a little
yogurt container in the fridge,

and it looks and smells
exactly like yogurt.

[Gentle, ambient music]

[Darcy] Did you watch
Yellowstone last night?

- It sucked.
- I don't give a f*ck

about Kevin Costner.
I almost f*cked him once.

- Did you?
- Yeah, I did.

Joanna?
Party at somebody's house,

and then some white girl
grabbed him.

I was like,
"Well, have him, b*tch."

- [Darcy] Uh...
- Yes, Mom. Uh, ma'am.

- Madam. Um, sorry. Mom.
- [Patricia] Joanna,

we'll be meeting with different
cancer charities this week

to select one to partner with.

I'm gonna need you

at every single one
of those meetings,

- okay?
- These are the top contenders

we're gonna choose from.

Oh. Um... You know,

I don't really think
I need to be at the meetings.

They sound very, um, uh...

important and business.

Joanna, now is not the time

to fade into the background.

I need you front and center.

This is your story, baby. Yes?

Yeah.

And what the f*ck is that
on your shirt?

Oh, it's-it's pugs.

Get rid.

Love you.

Uh, what?

I think this has gone too far.

[Marcy] So you're getting
a few perks. Big whoop.

Mom. I don't want perks.

Well,
aren't you enjoying your job?

And, honey, what they're doing
with your hair,

- it's never looked better.
- Oh, yummy.

It is so straight.

And you're having fun, right?

Yes.

You're doing
what you've always wanted to do.

I know. But, Mom,

real charities
are gonna be involved

and, like, real sick people.

I mean, isn't that,
like, bad karma?

I'm sorry.
You're raising real money

for people with cancer.
I don't understand.

How is that bad karma?

That's good karma, right?

- [thud]
- [bird squawks]

Oh, my God. A crow

just crashed
into the patio doors.

That is the second time
this week.

I better let you go, honey.
[kisses]

- [phone beeps]
- [scoffs]

[sighs]

Soft, percussive music

[♪]

Mmm.

[groans]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, my God.

Is Joanna, like,

Jesus Christ of Latters Day
Saints or something?

Like, what?

She gets
her own little special now?

What?

I'm kind of busy right now.

- Are you mad at me?
- I don't know, Beth Ann.

I guess
I'm not completely thrilled

with the fact
that you f*cking ditched my a*s

in Donde Esta last night.

I'm really, really so sorry.

- I wasn't thinking.
- [sighs]

It's just, like, tense right now

because Austin and I, like,

aren't having sex right now
and haven't.

At all? For how long?

Like, ten months.

Since Disney.

And we just had to
'cause it's Disney.

It's Disney. You have to.
You stayed at the Swan.

I'm not mad at you. It's fine.

- Do you hate me?
- No.

- Do you hate me, stupid?
- [chuckles] Don't pull on that.

- That's not a real pocket.
- You know

- I don't really do functional.
- [groans]

How f*cking dumb
is this cancer thing?

- She's so thirsty.
- [exhales]

Yeah, it's a lot.

Oh, my God. And, like,
does she even have cancer?

Okay. No.
You're doing that thing.

- What thing?
- Where you spiral

and start to believe conspiracy
theories. Don't go there.

- Seriously? That was one link.
- Mm-hmm.

To... The link to the thing

- about Q?
- It's all a little convenient

that she just says
she has cancer,

and then, all of a sudden,
everything's just, like,

going amazingly for her
everywhere she goes.

Except for the fact
that she has cancer.

Yeah, but do she, though?

She's not smart enough

to fake anything like that.

What?!

- Why is my head so small?
- [sighs]

The person with the most cancer
gets the biggest head, babe.

But once you see
what we've got coming up...

- [knock on door]
- Come in!

...you're gonna be sorry.

- I got to jet, baby.
- [hangs up phone]

- Come on in.
- Okay.

How are you doing?

- I'm fine. How are you?
- I'm okay.

[breathes deeply]

I'm just gonna state
the obvious.

There is a little bit of tension
between us.

- [Patricia] Mm-hmm.
- [Jackie] Mm-hmm.

But, I mean, you know,

how can two people who've known
each other for three decades

not have their moments, right?

But anyway, in terms of my show,

I just wanted to make sure
that we're both...

you know, that we both have
the same goals.

What's our goal now?

[sighs]

I want control
over Beautiful You, Pat.

Okay, Janet Jackson.

Define "control."

I want to pick my own products.

I want to decide my look
and what I say on air.

And I want it to be fully
and completely mine.

- All mine, Pat.
- Okay, right now,

I am underwater with meetings,

so we can have this conversation
when the time is right, okay?

- Good.
- Okay.

Fine. [exhales] All right.

And I want it in my contract.

No.

- No? What do you mean, "no"?
- No.

Oh, so there's no conversation?
It's just a flat-out no?

It's just "no."

Jackie. Come. Come sit down.

Sit down.

All right, fine. What?

What?

You think I pick your products
out of thin air, Jackie?

You've never understood
the amount of stone

I'm grinding behind the scenes

to keep all your loyal fans
coming back.

They're buying things
from me, Pat.

They're not buying things
from you.

There's no you without me.

I built you, Jackie.

And you may not realize it,
and I know

you'll never thank me for it,

but I'm protecting you.

From who?

Quiet, gentle music

From you.

[♪]

Well, thank you for the meeting.

My door's always open, Jackie.

Yeah, whatever.

Upbeat, percussive music

[Terry]
These proceed percentages

are far below
what we're used to.

You won't find this level
of visibility at Nordstrom.

Now, we already have a face

and a story that our audiences
are really connecting to.

Right, Joanna?

Yes. That is very true.

Um, the connection is deep,

and it's trust. Very much so.

[Annie] Your childhood leukemia
came back

after two decades?

Huh, that's so rare.

I mean, the longest I've ever...

And off of that,
I just had to ask,

um, where did you get

this gorgeous big shell,
Patricia?

Put it down. Put it down.

The kids we work with
just love you.

They think you look like the mom
from The Incredibles.

Thank you.

That's so nice.

We'll keep you in mind.

Gentle, contemplative music

[♪]

[Darcy]
You want me to toss that?

That's okay.
I'll throw it away later.

Okay.

- [Jordan] Joanna.
- [screams] f*ck!

Oh! sh*t. Jesus. Sorry.
[chuckles]

Um, are-are... are you leaving?

Um, yeah.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna leave. Uh...

I was just, um...

I forgot about this thing
I have to go to

for about a month.

I have to leave town.

And, um, I guess that means

I-I'll have to miss
the charity weekend,

and that is the bummer

- of all bumm... ers. Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

Like, you're going away
for a month. That's crazy.

It's wild, wild stuff.

- What-what for?
- Um,

I just have this thing,
and it's so completely far away,

so...

You know, that's a shame,
'cause, you see,

I was gonna come and find you
and tell you

that the charity
that you're gonna meet with

is one of my favorites.

- Oh.
- They're great.

Wh-Which charity?

Uh, it's
the American Cure Foundation.

They really helped
my-my Auntie Terry

when she had cancer, and so I...

I do their bike-a-thons
every year. [Chuckles]

Oh, my gosh. That's so nice.

I also, uh, I wanted
to tell you that that thing,

um, that Patricia said about you
in-in the meeting earlier today?

- Oh.
- It's really true, you know?

Um...

You're just... You're
changing things around here,

which is good, you know?

'Cause this place could use
a little bit of...

of you.

What? That's so freaking untrue.

Know what? I was going to, um...

Ah, sh*t. It's moot, 'cause...
[sighs] Doesn't matter.

- Forget it.
- No, what?

No, I was gonna...
It doesn't matter,

'cause you're gonna be gone
for a month

- at a very far, far place.
- But may-maybe not

- while it... What if not?
- Um...

I was, uh...

I was gonna ask

if maybe you, um, and I

would...

[exhales]
If you'd go on a date with me.

[chuckling softly]

Okay, let me think
about this one.

- You're a hunk. You're nice.
- [chuckles]

You're smart. You're cool.

Yeah, I guess I'll see you
at the date.

[chuckles]
Okay, cool.

Um, well, Jordan,
can I tell you something?

- Yes.
- Um,

remember when I told you

that I was gonna be going
out of-of town for a month?

- Yeah.
- Uh,

I'm not gonna really be
out of town for a month.

I was just being a goof.

[chuckles]

Soft, lighthearted music

American Cure Foundation
is focused

on under served communities.

Well, you'd be very lucky
to partner with us.

Our viewers are in love
with Joanna Gold,

and we have the data
to back it up.

Uh, well, you know,
we have a few, uh, big names

affiliated with our charity,
as well.

Let's see, a few...

Couple
Minor League Baseball players

and, of course,
uh, Ryan Phillippe.

- Um...
- Uh...

- Uh...
- [Darcy chuckles softly]

Ryan Phillippe
from Cruel Intentions?

Um, yes. Want.

Oh, my God. When I was a kid,
I had a poster of him

on my bedroom ceiling
that I would...

look at.

Um, anyways, thinking through
the logistics of it,

what are the chances
that Ryan would participate?

Is it, like, a sure thing?

Or is it just, like,
very likely?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Brass tacks.

We're offering five percent
of the proceeds.

[Carl]
Oh, well,

20% is the number
that our board agreed upon.

Thank you for your time.

We are meeting
with several organizations

- making solid offers.
- [Carl] Oh,

well, um, we brought one of our
mobile mammovans here today.

I'd love to show you some of the
amazing work you'd be helping

- to fund.
- [sighs] We should go.

They're, like,
obsessed with the van.

[Patricia]
Mm.

- I can't take this anymore
-[vocalizing]

[cashier] Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order?

Ooh, yes.

[smacks lips]
I think I will have

the mini M&M McFlurry, please.

But just the mini M&M's
in a cup. No ice cream.

So you just want the M&M's?

The minis, yes.

- No ice cream.
- I'm sorry.

I don't think
we can do that, ma'am,

'cause they go into
the McFlurry machine together.

Right, but before that,
they were separate, right?

I'm not sure.

Okay, so, can you just go
into the big industrial bag

of mini M&M's and get me a cup?

[smacks lips]
Can you do that?

I just don't have a way
to ring that up.

It's okay.

I will pay the full
McFlurry price. How about that?

The problem is
that now that I know

you don't actually want
a McFlurry,

if I give you that,
it would mess up our inventory.

Oh, my God.
Are you f*cking kidding me?

I just want my mini M&M's, okay?
Is that so hard?

I decide what I want.
You don't decide.

I'm not a f*cking baby, okay?
Just give me

- my f*cking mini M&M's!
- [horn honks]

f*ck you!

Listen.

Listen to me.
Listen to me. Listen to me.

I just want a cup
of f*cking mini M&M's.

Is that so f*cking hard?!

g*dd*mn it.

Why is everything
so f*cking hard?

- f*ck.
- [horns honking]

[grunting]

[Carl]
Each of these mammovans

gives over 5,000 mammograms
a year.

Anyone's welcome.
Our tech is here, so...

Let's talk numbers.

We'll give you 20%
the first hour.

But if we hit a million
in that hour,

everything reverts back
to two percent.

Well, what if you don't hit
that million in the first hour?

[Patricia]
We'll hold you at 20%

the whole weekend.

- Deal.
- Darcy, connect them with legal.

- Dershowitz?
- [Patricia] No, not my personal.

The business attorney.

- Holy sh*t.
- [Darcy chuckles softly]

We're gonna meet Ryan Phillippe.

Oh, my God. You little weirdo.
You made this happen.

- I didn't do anything.
- Okay.

- Anyone else sign up yet?
- [Carl] Patricia,

this is J.P.,
one of our awesome techs.

Well, hello, J.P.

Come on.
Let's go check out my t*ts.

- [J.P. panting]
- God!

[both moaning]

Quiet classical music

[moaning continues]

Oh, my God.

All right, we'll do
a c*ck party at the house

to announce the partnership.

Board members,
I want a big sign.

"SVN gives back"
or whatever the f*ck.

- How about next Friday?
- No. Thursday.

Fridays are desperate.

I want people to get a...
get a babysitter.

- [Darcy] Mm.
- And, Joanna.

Please, don't dress like that.

Oh. Like what?

Like a little twee hayseed.

[Darcy] Basically,
we don't want you

to wear anything with, like,

French writing on it

or, like, an avocado with a face

or a hedgehog
with, like, a top hat

or, like, that.

Oh. Um, I think
I have just the thing.

I have
this super sophisticated dress.

It has little cute cherries
all over it.

I'll go shopping.

Um, also, I was just wondering,

what will the seating be like?

Will it be assigned,
or will it be more of, like,

you know, a big head table
with me and our celebrity guest

kind of sitting at the center,
greeting people?

- We are f*cking done here.
- [Darcy] Mm-hmm.

Okay.

See you at the wedding.

I mean the party. Bye.

- Catering. Rapini's?
- Yes.

- Extra arancini?
- Yes.

And call Ad Weekly.

Make sure
they send photographers.

[Darcy] Absolutely.
Blow the whole thing out.

- One question.
- Mm.

Dress code for the men.

Are we thinking super upscale,
black tie?

Like, what should I wear?

Oh, honey. You're not coming.

Really?

'Cause, like,
I've been running point

on this whole thing,
so I just figured...

So you've been doing your job.
Mm-hmm.

I would really like
if every little thing

didn't have to be a little drama
this week. Yes?

We're not gonna
do feelings today.

I've dealt with enough feelings.

Okay. Totally.

Now fix your face.

Soft, gentle music

[♪]

The bamboo peach in this tunic
is really something,

- and it's so soft.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.

I love the sexy crisscross.

Now tell me
about this detail here,

- 'cause it's so cute.
- Oh. Well, Jackie,

that's what we
at Impeccable She Casuals

are calling
our signature peekaboo shoulder.

It shows just the perfect part
of a woman's arm,

the bony shoulder.
[chuckles]

You know how we ladies love
to hide our arms.

- [chuckles]
- Hmm. Do we?

- Well, I think we do.
- I don't.

I don't really feel the need
to hide my arms.

- [chuckles]
- Or anything, really.

I mean,
you only live once, right?

So why not let it all hang out
and just be who you are?

I mean,
what's the point in pretending?

- There's no reason to do that.
- Well, there-there...

- I... Doesn't make sense to me.
- There's a certain mystique

to-to covering certain parts
of a woman's body.

- And, you know, you don't...
- Hmm. But it's just

that if you're gonna buy
the tunic,

it's your tunic.
It belongs to you.

- [woman] Jackie, you okay?
- So maybe you want

to customize it
to have no sleeves at all

because you happen to love
your arms,

you know what I mean?
Like, they're your arms.

Nobody controls them but you.

It's your tunic.

You're wearing it.
They're your rules.

You could do
whatever the f*ck you want.

- Just, like, customize it.
- The thing is...

[gasps]
No, don't. What are you doing?

Take off the sleeves.
It's yours.

[chuckles]

What the hell is she doing?

- Turn that f*cking mic on.
- [Lori] Um,

- then where's the peekaboo?
- Who cares about the peekaboo?

I don't.

You better stop f*cking around
on my network

before you want to have
a contract to sign.

Quiet, contemplative music

[sighs]

[♪]

You know what, let's move on
to the stirrup Capri.

Can we bring those in?

[♪]

- [indistinct chatter]
- [jazz music playing]

[♪]

[Patricia]
Thank you all for your support.

I know

that negotiations were tough,

but this partnership
is gonna be fabulous.

We're looking forward to it.

[chuckles] You almost never see
a tie clip anymore.

- [woman] Yes.
- [Patricia laughs]

[Patricia]
You know I'm a nightmare,

- but it'll be worth it.
- [all chuckling]

- Oh.
- [Joanna chuckles]

Yes. Oh, excuse me.

Um, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I just... [chuckles]
I wanted to say hello.

And I wanted to say, Patricia,
what a beautiful event.

I can't believe
you have a valet. It's like,

what is this,
the Hard Rock Cafe? Ugh.

- [woman] What?
- [laughs]

The Hard Rock Cafe? Ugh.

- [scoffs] Okay. Uh, Joanna?
- [Joanna chuckles]

- Huh?
- [Patricia] Excuse us, please.

- [Joanna] Okay.
- Come here, baby.

Little chitchat.

Joanna, listen to me

- very carefully.
- Listening up.

I need you to act right.

Show these dusty old f*ck

they partnered
with the right people.

Right.

You are going to show up for me.

- Yeah? We're clear?
- Yeah.

- [chuckles]
- [Joanna exhales]

[indistinct chatter]

My wife is a huge fan of yours.

- Oh! How nice.
- Yeah. By the way,

um, do you ski?

Oh, no. I get cold very easily.

[chuckles]
No, no, no. Do you ski?

[glass clinks]

And with
this incredible partnership,

we're marketing to an audience
in a whole new way

by telling them not what to buy

but who to buy for.

Yes? A toast.

- To health.
- And healthy business.

[all laugh]

- [man] Hear! Hear! Cheers.
- Thank you, baby.

Hey. Y'all know...

I got my start playing piano

in the lobby of Neiman's.

[chuckles]

- [playing piano]
- I'm still kind of good at it.

Here we go.

♪ So, everybody,
have a good time ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause we sign ♪

- ♪ On the dotted line ♪
- ♪ Dotted line ♪

- Hey! Yeah?
- [stops playing piano]

Oh.

Okay, I got to take this.

- [applause]
- Keep singing. Keep singing.

Sing a song for them, Bob.

- [vocalizes quietly]
- [Carl] So?

- Oh.
- How do you like

living in Pennsylvania?

There's a bit of culture shock.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, coming from Ohio,

so... But there's
so many charming cities.

- I mean, Philly.
- [Carl chuckles]

- You know? Uh...
- Yeah.

- Pittsburgh.
- Yes.

Um...

- Oh, and Hershey. Hershey.
- Yeah.

I am literally a chocoholic.

- [Joanna] Oh.
- Like, for real.

- Like, diagnosed.
- [Joanna] Yeah. Oh, okay.

Can you just hold that thought?

- I'm just gonna... Okay.
- Yes. Yes.

[exhales]

Is everything okay?

The evening is over.

Tell everyone to go home. Now.

Okay, but the little desserts
haven't even gone out yet.

- I...
- Just do it, Joanna.

[piano continues playing]

- [light clinking]
- Excuse me.

Pardon me. I have an announ...

I have a li...
I have an announcement to make.

Um...

We just want to thank you
for such a wonderful evening

and to say
that now is the time to leave.

So, um, feel-feel free
to take your little...

your little bites with you.

Um, you know, the gazpacho
probably won't travel very well,

but, um,
the little ba*ls of rice,

you can just wrap them
in a couple napkins,

and that goes fine in the purse.

Um, the doors,

uh, they're right there.
[chuckles]

- So fun to have you.
- Bye.

Sometimes parties end early.
It's...

You know,
"Leave 'em wanting more."

Okay, bye.

And if anyone's still left here,

you know,

get the f*ck out or...

[dance music playing]

[♪]

[lighter clicks]

f*ck.

[groans]

[sighs]

f*ck, no.

- Hi. Rapini's?
- [woman] Yes.

- Yes, hi. Um...
- How can I help you?

I would like to make an order

over to Patricia's office
at SVN.

Yes. Um,
we're gonna do fillet mi...

two filet mignons, ten arancini,

uh, and a cannoli.

Yes, I have the credit card
right here.

- It's, um...
- And what is the name

- on the card?
- Patricia Cochran.

Patricia?

Patricia?

I'm gonna leave,
so thank you for...

[glass breaks]

Patricia?

Patricia?

Intriguing, ambient music

[♪]

- Patricia?
- [TV playing indistinctly]

The f*ck
are you still doing here?

Oh.

Um, I just wanted to,
uh, make...

Is everything okay?

No, everything is not okay.

I have f*cking cancer.

What?

They found something
in my mammogram.

Okay, well, um...

Well, um,
that's not necessarily...

I had a biopsy.

Well, you just have to wait
for the results to co...

I did that.

I did all that.

It's cancer.

f*ck it.
Give me my Rolos, will you?

- Okay. What?
- [lighter clicks]

My Rolos.

Oh. Okay.

Um...

I know this is scary.

It-It's scary for everyone.

But...

you're not alone, okay?

Can I hug you?

What do you think?

[whispers]
Okay.

Um...

Should I go? I...

[Patricia sighs]

Say Yes to the Dress is on.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

[Joanna exhales]

You tell anybody I have cancer,

and I will f*cking k*ll you.

Okay.

[voice breaking]
You understand me?

[Joanna]
Mm-hmm.

"Nobody Knows"
by Pastor T.L. Barrett plays...

[Patricia sighs]

- ♪ Nobody knows ♪
- ♪ Mmm ♪

♪ All the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ - Nobody knows ♪
♪ - Mmm ♪

♪ All the sorrow ♪

♪ Glory, glory ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ - Glory ♪
♪ - Mmm ♪

♪ - Glory ♪
♪ - Let me hear you ♪

♪ Glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ Nobody knows... ♪

♪ Mmm, no, no, no ♪

♪ All the trouble I've seen ♪

- ♪ Nobody knows ♪
- ♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ Mmm, no, no ♪

♪ All the sor... ♪

[man]
No traipsing.