They're Watching (2016)

[bunniefuu]

♪

- Just go! Go!

sh*t!

- Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Come on, come on.

Sarah, come on.

- This way, this way!

- What do we--

Help us!

- Witch lover!

- f*ck.

- No, no, no.

No, wait.

♪

- Welcome to Moldova--

an affordable gem nestled

in the heart of Eastern Europe,

where the old meets new

in surprising ways.

Meet Becky Westlake,

a successful artist and potter.

After ten years in the hectic

Los Angeles craft scene,

she'’s looking

for some old-world inspiration.

- Running the gallery

has been great,

but I think it'’s time

for a change.

I want to slow down,

focus on my life,

my relationship.

- My name is Goran Potsnik.

I think people know

who I am, but okay.

Professional soccer player.

What else do you want

to know?

Goran was cute, athlete,

very different,

but, um, actually I think

that'’s what turned out

to be the nice part--

we'’re very different.

- Well, we met in, uh--

in Lisbon in, um--

in a bar,

and here we are.

- A healthy relationship.

- Becky wants a house where she

can set up her pottery studio,

with enough room left over

to raise a family.

To find a bargain,

Becky has enlisted the help

of local real-estate broker

Vladimir Filat.

- Moldova has

very complicated laws for taxes,

land titles,

religious zoning,

and gypsy prohibitions.

Not to worry.

Vladimir is best broker

in Moldova.

- And as Vladimir says,

"Only broker in Moldova

is best broker in Moldova."

- Moldova'’s beautiful.

It'’s, um,

got a sense of history.

And I want to be

a part of that.

- To find a house

on Becky'’s limited budget,

Vladimir directs them

to the remote farming hamlet

of Pavlovka.

She'’d be trading a modern city of 8 million people

for a rustic village

of 200--

so rustic that

the local legend contends

that there was once

a witch-burning here.

But the people

are much friendlier now.

♪

A few miles outside of town

is a cottage home right

out of "Hansel and Gretel."

Becky may like

old-world charm,

but does she really know

the difference

between rustic and a wreck?

- No one has lived here

for a long time.

It'’s very remote,

very cheap--

many opportunities

for improvement.

- Well, for the right price,

I don'’t mind doing the work.

- Really?

You can'’t handle

this much work.

This must be

the worst house

in Moldova.

Nobody can fix this.

Come.

♪

Bedroom.

- Small.

I guess families were closer

back in the day.

♪

- How about some drinks?

- The interior needs

some work,

but the bones of this old house are strong.

Voilà.

- Oh, this is seriously feral.

- I see media room.

- What is this--

an outhouse?

- It is a bread oven--

very traditional.

- Oh, God.

I could turn this into a kiln

for my pottery.

- Yes.

This is what I thought as well.

This is good for spanking, no?

What was that?

- It'’s, uh, in Moldova,

good luck.

- And there'’s one last surprise

under the master bedroom--

a cellar

with hidden potential.

- This used to be

wine cellar originally,

but I thought maybe you want

to use as pottery studio.

- Oh, my.

I could entertain down here.

What is this?

- It'’s a pit for, uh, stomping

grapes, for making wine.

- Hot tub.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

- Is that--what is that,

a painting?

- Perhaps, uh, artist

lived here before,

much like yourself.

- I like it.

I like it all.

- You'’re serious?

- Becky'’s clearly taken on

a big challenge,

but this artist promises

renovation magic.

After the break,

we return to Pavlovka

six months later

to see the transformation.

- What?

No.

She actually

bought that place?

This house is

a literal nightmare.

What could she have possibly

done with it in six months?

- That'’s what we'’re here

to find out.

- I bet you any money

she hasn'’t done a g*dd*mn thing.

It happens--

it happens all the time.

f*ck off!

There was this chick

in Portugal, this blonde.

We went back six months later.

You know, she bought one

of these wrecks.

We go back there,

and she has literally not

fixed up one single thing.

- No way.

- It was a complete disaster.

- She had not changed one thing

about the place in six months.

- It was horrible.

- So that made for a really

spectacular episode reveal,

I can tell you.

That being said, very nice,

uh, bikini pics on Facebook.

- What?

- Very nice.

- Wait. Are you Facebook friends

with the buyers?

- Uh, it sometimes happens.

Sometimes happens.

Only the chicks, however.

- How long does it usually take

for them to unfriend you?

- Yeah, that'’s

a very good question.

Uh, how about

you unfriend this, d*ck?

- Whatever.

- Alex, this is a $40,000

camera, man, come on.

- Oh, my God.

I'’m sure it'’s fine.

- I swear to God, it was like

searing daggers

come sh**ting

out of her eyes.

- What?

Kate seemed nice.

- She seemed nice?

- Yes.

- Have you actually met

this woman?

- Yes. My Uncle Wallace

introduced me

to her,

like, three years ago.

- Right, okay.

See, this is fascinating.

Uh, speaking of nepotism,

actually,

and on behalf of those who

actually earned their jobs...

- Alex, you know what?

Back off. Not cool, man.

- What we we were wondering

was, out of curiosity,

what does starting salary

for the boss'’s niece'’s family--

- Alex.

- What? Dude, be cool, please.

All right?

Don'’t go special forces on me.

We'’re not

in Afghanistan, man.

- Afghanistan?

Greg, did you fight

in Afghanistan?

- Uh, no, the only thing

that man shot

in Afghanistan

was the news.

What?

Yeah, okay.

I'’m going

on a Doina run.

- What was that about?

- Nothing.

I just, uh--I was an embedded

cameraman in Afghanistan.

It'’s boring. I just don'’t want

to talk about it.

Look at this.

Unbelievable.

- Oh, my gosh.

- What?

- Okay, it'’s fine.

There'’s a big bug.

It'’s kind of cute. It'’s fine.

This seat

is dramatically unsafe.

- Right. Where'’s, like,

Ralph Nader when you need him?

- Who?

- They'’re sold out of Doina.

What kind of hick, backwater gas

station sells out of Doina?

What is the point

of a gas station

if it does not have Doina

is what I want to know.

- How long is it gonna

take us to get to Pavlovka?

- You in a hurry

or something?

- Yeah, doesn'’t everybody dream

of being a production sl*ve?

- I swear to God,

Kate is going to slap that smile

off your face so fast,

you have no idea.

- Oh, God.

How much you want to bet--

$20 she'’s already pissed

that we'’re late.

- She'’s not gonna be

pissed at us.

She took an earlier flight.

She can'’t be mad at us for that.

- Oh, yeah.

You keep

telling yourself that

while you'’re crying yourself

to sleep at night.

Hold on, guys.

World'’s biggest pothole.

- Careful, man.

She'’s sleeping.

- Be ca--

Oh, I'’m sorry. I'’m sorry.

Is the princess sleeping?

Then I'’ll just--

I'’ll just make sure

there'’s no more potholes

in the roads.

Beautiful Moldova.

The poorest country

in all of Europe.

The average Moldovian

believes in vampires,

lives in a tin shed,

apparently,

and has an average

of four teeth.

- You are mean.

- Moldovinites

don'’t just enjoy

record-setting rates

of tuberculosis.

They'’re also

the world'’s heaviest drinkers,

pounding back more than

8 gallons of alcohol per year.

That'’s six times

the world'’s average.

♪ Just driving

through a shitty town ♪

♪ In a shitty van

You can get in on this

if you want.

- Uh, what is

the Pavlovka National Anthem?

Do we have one?

- That is the

Pavlovka National Anthem.

I was just singing it.

- ♪ Everything is brown

♪ In Pavlovka

- Oh, my God, Greg, look,

it'’s your mom.

You'’re a f*cking as*h*le.

- Would it be--would it be

awkward if I hit on your mom?

Here'’s the local

Stalin impersonator.

- This is, like,

the longest drive ever.

- I don'’t even know

what to do about this.

I mean, who has the right

of way here--me or the horse?

Welcome

to the Pavlovka Ritz.

- This is it?

- Get someone over here

and take care of the f*cking

c*ck in my room.

- Hey, come on,

let'’s do this, man.

- This is gonna be fun.

- Are you telling him?

- Yes, yes, yes.

- Good.

- He says,

"Step on it yourself."

- Step on it?

Step on it?

It'’s bigger

than my f*cking foot.

- Kate?

- Maintenance man will not

be here for hour.

- Jesus Christ, where the f*ck

have you guys been?

- All right, before you freak

out, three-hour delay in Berlin.

- Kate, you'’ve met

Wallace'’s niece.

- No, it says that

you'’re on time

right here on the Website.

- Yeah,

and the flight was great.

Thanks for asking, Kate.

- Oh, f*ck.

The f*cking Internet here

is f*cking Ret*rded.

- Kate, Kate, Kate.

- f*ck!

- Relax. It'’s Pavlovka.

The cell phone service is,

uh, not so good.

And who is this

wonderful woman here?

I have not met you.

- Oh, no.

Hi. My name'’s Sarah.

- I am Vladimir.

It'’s a pleasure.

- Nice to meet you,

Vladimir.

- I, uh, have a little,

uh, gift for you.

Pick a card, any card.

It'’s your lucky day.

It'’s Vladimir.

Everybody knows me

because I make your dream house

appear like magic.

- Jesus Christ, whatever.

- Ah, thank you.

- Just check them in.

- Fancy.

- Okay.

Here, take a card.

- Why are you standing around,

dummies?

Go unpack the van.

- Achtung, achtung.

Unpack ze van, schwein.

Do it.

- Why are you still filming?

- Ah, memory cards are cheap.

I don'’t want to miss a shot.

- Oh... my... God.

- All right,

it breaks down like this.

Greg is camera one.

When sound is not a priority,

I am camera two.

Your job is primarily

to fetch us batteries,

memory cards, stuff like that.

- Keep our walkies refreshed.

- Et cetera, et cetera.

- Um, when do I get

to sh**t something?

- Do you know

how to use a camera?

- Yes, I took a lot

of film classes in college.

- Oh. Oh, my God. Greg, she--she

took film classes in college.

I'’m--I'’m--I'’m so sorry.

I didn'’t know we had an expert

on the crew, so...

When you'’re not being

our fetch monkey,

you can be camera three.

You drop this thing, it is

$1,500 out of your paycheck.

- Okay.

- Okay, it'’s 2K, waterproof...

Even shoots night vision.

- Night vision?

- Yeah.

- For "Home Hunters Global?"

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

- What does that mean?

- Yeah, what

does that mean, Alex?

- It means, you know,

in case somebody

wants to hook up

with the buyers.

Yeah, '’cause--

They'’re definitely not going

to want to be able

to see them

when he'’s hooking up with them.

- Oh. Oh, see?

He'’s very mean.

You thought he was so nice,

but he'’s so mean.

And this is why I love him,

'’cause he'’s a meanie.

- He loves my inner as*h*le.

- So much.

This is called a boom pole.

It'’s not to be taken internally,

if you catch my drift.

- Oh, so you guys haven'’t heard

of sexual harassment, then, huh?

What happens in Moldova

stay in Moldova.

- Small cameras,

um, very versatile--

we use these for window mounts,

car mounts,

um, chest mounts,

if you are so inclined.

- Chest mounts?

For hooking up with the buyers?

- No, for hooking up

with the crew members.

- No, this is actually

for maybe, theoretically,

recording Kate

when she'’s screaming at you,

and hopefully

we can get her fired.

- Let'’s see

if we can figure this out.

- Are we gonna put it on?

- Yeah, just kind of hold it

over here.

- Okay.

Can you see that?

- No, I think it'’s great.

- Mm-hmm.

- All right,

let'’s get kitted up, all right?

We need to, uh, get

some B-roll

of donkeys, cobblestone,

that sort of thing.

- You know how Kate

loves donkeys.

- Yeah.

- Donkeys, really?

- What? I don'’t mean,

you know, real donkeys.

I mean, you know, men who are

hung like real donkeys.

- Yep, I got it.

- That'’s good. Just relax.

Let the camera be your eyes.

- I'’ve done this before.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

And she'’s got the

student loans to prove it.

- Oh, boy,

look at this one.

- Ah, now, you see

that really sexy,

healthy-looking American

couple in the window?

- Yes.

- Yeah? Don'’t.

That goes for all crew,

all right?

Especially Kate.

If Kate sees herself

in a f*cking shot,

she'’ll slit your throat.

That goes for car windshields,

mirrors,

I don'’t know, wishing wells--

it doesn'’t matter.

- Okay.

- Nothing ruins the illusion

of television like catching

the man behind the curtain.

- Or woman.

- Or--Yeah, whatever.

- We'’re done with this, right?

Can I just--

I can just get rid of it.

- Oh, I feel like these houses

are looking at me.

- All right,

pan down to me.

Come on, Film School,

that'’s way too fast.

Anything quicker than

an optic foot per second,

people at home

are gonna start throwing up.

Nice and slow,

nice and steady.

Nice and...

Friendly.

Come closer, come closer,

come closer, come closer.

- Okay,

now it'’s just awkward.

Somebody had onions for lunch,

obviously.

- Back off, back off.

- Okay.

- That'’s it.

All right.

Now follow.

Here we go.

- I got it.

- Follow, follow, follow.

- I got it. I'’m following.

And stop!

- Sorry, sir.

- I think she'’s a pro.

- No, man, no.

She went to film school.

And God said,

"Let there be Doina."

Doina.

♪ Doina,

I'’ll give you Doina ♪

♪ Baby, you want Doina?

♪ Give you some Doina, babe

♪ What you got there, baby?

♪ I got some Doina, baby

- This is not one single

Starbucks in this entire town.

How do they live

without caffeine?

- This is important.

- Kate is going to be

so mad at us.

- No, you have to be

in the middle.

- Five, six, seven, eight.

And two and back, back,

kick, shuffle,

shuffle.

- Doina!

- Doina!

Is mine upside down?

It is. sh*t.

Doina!

Oh, sh*t.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the President of Moldova.

Your Excellency?

No?

"Yeah, so, like,

this is pretty much

"how we filmed the Blackhawks

in Afghanistan.

It'’s pretty f*cked-up sh*t."

"Greg, you know, you should

just maybe just--

"just bend me over now

and f*ck me.

Fu--Yeah, just f*ck me like

you f*cked the Taliban."

Dude, you'’re

in the shot, man.

Ah, you are selling weed.

What a coincidence

because I am buying weed.

Guys?

- Yeah?

- I'’m going to, um,

I'’m gonna go sh**t some stuff

in the market.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Eat a d*ck.

- Did you get me in the shot?

- Oh, sorry.

- Listen, let'’s, uh...

This is great.

This is local color.

Come on, let'’s go.

Greg, look, it'’s your mom.

Let'’s just keep walking.

Without the cameras?

- We can'’t have cameras.

Okay, that'’s no problem.

We'’ll just, uh--

we'’ll drop them off.

That'’s fine. That'’s okay.

Yeah.

Sarah?

Sarah?

It'’s fine. Let'’s just, uh--

let'’s just turn this off, okay?

- Are you sure

this is a good idea?

- Yeah. This is the sort

of thing Kate wants.

Okay, that'’s--that'’s fine.

It'’s off, okay?

Thank you.

♪

- This place is so cool.

- Yeah, look at those--

Look at the fresco

on the wall over there.

- Are they burning her?

- Shh.

- 3:00 on a Wednesday,

these people are in church.

That'’s crazy.

- What is that painting?

- I don'’t know.

- Oh, f*ck,

it'’s a funeral.

- Oh, my gosh,

those are kids.

- Shh.

- That'’s three kids.

Greg, we should--I think

we should get out of here.

Greg?

- I don'’t have a good feeling

about this. Can we just--

Greg?

- What the f*ck

are you two f*ck doing?

I told you two

to get some B-roll.

- How do I turn this thing off?

- What, are you at a bar?

- Greg, I don'’t know.

I can'’t turn this thing off.

- Get your f*cking a*s back

here--

- I'’m sorry.

We didn'’t realize it was--

Greg!

- Get the f*ck off me!

Greg, watch out!

- Sarah, get over here.

- Okay.

We'’re sorry, sir,

but those men were--

- Sarah, just stop it.

- These people are upset

that you have filmed

something which is

very personal.

I have explained to them

that you did not understand...

Which is not true.

You should go now.

- Okay, thank you.

- Come on.

- All right.

- Thank you.

- Sarah.

Hey.

Thank you.

Let'’s go.

Keep walking.

Let'’s go.

Turn around and keep going.

Keep going.

Sarah, go, go, go, go, go.

- It'’s called

"The Biggest Donkey."

You take donkeys

from villagers around county.

They feed the donkeys

as much as possible

for three months.

At the end of three months,

they weigh the donkeys.

The one with the biggest donkey

wins all donkeys.

He'’s very rich man now.

- Yeah, yeah.

I will pitch that to Wallace

as soon as I get home.

- Yes, you get finder'’s fee.

Clever idea

for reality show.

- Where the f*ck

have you guys been?

- We just accidentally

filmed a funeral.

- Jesus Christ.

- Ay.

- We almost got beat up.

It was three kids.

- Three?

These people--they don'’t believe

in immunization.

- Why didn'’t you just tell them

you'’re Americans?

- 40 hours, guys.

That'’s when our plane leaves.

We need to be at Becky'’s

getting exteriors.

- All right, then let'’s go.

Come on.

- I teach you famous song.

- Enough sitting around.

- Jesus Christ.

f*ck.

- I teach you song

on the way.

- Is it about donkeys?

- It'’s happy.

♪ Hey!

Sing with me.

Come, sing.

- Why--why are you

coming with us?

- Because in last six months,

Becky and I have become,

uh, good friends.

We'’re very close.

- I wonder what--

I wonder what she'’s done

with the place.

- You know what I hope?

I hope that

she'’s fixed up the barn.

You remember that barn, Kate?

That was a great barn.

Actually, Greg,

come to think of it,

you should take Sarah

out to see the barn,

'’cause she'’d like that.

I think she'’d probably

really like that.

- She is out

in the boonies.

- Alex, shut the f*ck up!

Jesus.

♪

- Oh, my God.

- Vladimir, is it, like,

National Ax Day?

What the f*ck is this?

- Hi, homey.

- This is, uh, villagers.

They are probably just...

- What the f*ck was that?

- They go--they go out,

they chop wood.

It'’s for fireplace.

Right here.

- Oh, wow.

- See it?

- Oh, my gosh.

- Wow.

- Wow.

- Oh, my God.

- It'’s beautiful.

Easy fix.

- She'’s really fixed it up.

- Wait. Are you sure

this is the right house?

- I thought

you were coming earlier.

Me too.

Look at this.

- Alex, Greg,

I'’m so happy to see you guys.

- Hey.

- Becky.

Holy sh*t! This is amazing.

- Thank you.

- Hi. Wow. This is quite

a transformation.

- Thanks.

- Becky.

Vladimir, right?

- Yes. She kids.

- Becky, this is Sarah.

She'’s, uh--she'’s new.

She just joined us.

- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.

Oh!

Your house looks great.

- Thank you.

- Is Goran here yet?

- Um, no.

He'’s actually, um, traveling.

So he'’s not going to be here

for a few days.

I know he'’s sorry

he missed you guys.

- No Goran?

That sucks, '’cause he was just

a really nice guy.

- How does it look, Greg?

Do we have enough light

to sh**t?

- No, Kate, I'’m sorry.

We'’re not sh**ting

"Ghost Hunters Global."

- That'’s funny.

That'’s very funny.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- All right,

let'’s get back in the van.

- No, no, no.

No, you guys came all this way.

Um, just come in

for a minute.

I have Starbucks.

- Our viewers love it

when a fixer-upper

comes together like this.

- Well, I really couldn'’t have

done any of this without Goran.

He'’s done so much...

and not just with the house.

I feel like

now that we'’re together,

he'’s, um--he'’s helped me become

who I was really meant to be.

- You know, two years I spent on

a Canadian home-renovation show,

and they never got anywhere

close to this level of work.

You and--you and Goran

should be really, really proud.

- Well, if you guys like

what I'’ve done with the kitchen,

I can'’t wait to show you

the cellar.

- All right,

let'’s check it out.

- Oh, that will have to wait

until tomorrow.

It'’s getting late, and we need

to get back to town.

- Kate, come on.

- You know the roads. Let'’s--

- No, I just saw you

looking at him a little bit.

If you think he'’s cute,

you should go for it.

- I work with him.

- Sarah, let'’s go!

I want dinner in bed

so we can come back here early.

- Okay, will you show me

your pottery tomorrow, Becky?

- Sure.

- Sarah!

- Okay.

I'’m coming!

- In Moldova, they say,

"If you do not like weather,

you wait ten minutes."

It'’s rain, sun, snow,

all in same day.

- You guys,

Becky was so nice.

- You know, it'’s a shame

you didn'’t meet Goran,

because he'’s

a real people-pleaser.

Alex.

Jesus Christ!

- Sorry.

- Oy!

- Watch it, Alex.

- Sorry.

- Great f*cking day, guys.

- Okay, we go to

nice restaurant for dinner.

We meet in lobby

in 50 minutes.

It'’s time for shower.

Come.

- I'’d say it'’s time

for a shower.

You are overdue.

- Oh, am I early,

Mr. Abernathy?

I thought we had your interview

scheduled for 7:30.

- Sarah, we still have

30 minutes.

- Oh, that'’ll be

plenty of time.

I only have

a few questions.

To sleep!

- You can try to sleep,

but I'’m not going away

until I get my story.

Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Mr. Abernathy,

that is quite unexpected.

May I ask you what the

circumstances were behind this?

- Well, the, uh--the terms

of the settlement agreement

prohibit

my mentioning specifics,

but, um, there

might have been, uh...

an altercation.

- An altercation?

- Between myself

and Mr. Torini,

during which Mr. Torini'’s eye

may have become--

- Wait, wait, wait.

You punched Alex?

Oh, my gosh.

- So, Miss Ellroy,

viewers are dying to know,

to what do you ascribe

your meteoric rise

in the film world?

- Oh, well, um,

my unique vision

comes from a lifetime

of suffering, naturally.

I, uh--I had to fall back

on my safety school

when Harvard refused me

my private parking space

for my BMW.

- Oh.

- It was terrible.

- The--the fools.

- Fools!

I don'’t like to talk about it,

really, so next topic.

- Moving on from tragedy...

- Moving on.

- I hear that your stunning

documentary work

has made you

the toast of Moldova.

Well, as they say,

"Only filmmaker in Moldova

best filmmaker in Moldova."

I'’ve heard this about Moldova.

You'’re staring.

- I am, yeah.

- You like having

the camera on.

- I don'’t want to miss

anything.

- Like what?

♪

Um, what is all this news

about Goran?

Seriously?

Yes.

- All right, um,

okay.

You want to--

Um, come on, I'’ll show you.

- Okay.

I won'’t.

- Not even--not even, like,

one single breath.

If you--if you say one thing

to Kate and you get us fired,

I-I will--I don'’t even know

what I'’ll do.

I will--I will sell you

to Vladimir is what I'’ll do.

- Girl Scouts honor.

- She'’s a Girl Scout,

on top of everything else.

This is amazing.

- Now, just remember, you wanted

to see this, all right?

Okay.

- Oh, look at that.

Hey, little guy.

Hey, little guy.

- Hey, man,

have you seen Goran anywhere?

I need him for his interview.

- No, I haven'’t seen him.

Go ask what'’s-his-face--

Disco Dracula.

Oh, oh.

- Disco Dracula.

Hey, man.

- Greg, my good friend.

How can Vladimir

be helping?

- Uh, I'’m looking for Goran.

Have you seen him anywhere?

- I think I see Goran

and your producer in barn.

Come, I take you.

So, uh...

Alex tells me, uh,

you were in Afghanistan.

- He does, huh?

Alex has a big mouth.

- The reason I ask is because

I have friends

who can get things

into Romania.

And if you have friends

maybe get things

out of Afghanistan,

we ca--

We can--

- Vladimir, are you asking me

to smuggle heroin for you?

- Is camera on?

I--Vladimir would never

suggest such a thing.

- This ain'’t on, man.

Film'’s expensive.

I wouldn'’t just be

rolling it like that.

Think about it.

It'’s all I ask, huh?

- Oy, whew.

- Hey, Kate--

- Oh, Jesus, Greg!

- God!

- Get the f*ck

out of here!

Get out of here!

- I'’m so sorry.

- f*ck! Turn around!

- No, no.

What the f*ck are you doing?

- Goran, don'’t--

- Hey!

What the f*ck

are you doing, man?

- Nothing.

- What the f*ck is this?

- It'’s nothing.

- What?

It'’s not even on.

- What'’s okay?

What the f*ck is this?

- The camera is not on.

We were just talking

about this.

It'’s not on.

- It'’s not on. It'’s fine.

- I just need you

for an interview.

- f*ck off.

- That'’s the face.

That is why I do this.

- It'’s f*cking awesome.

- It is for that face.

Your shock sustains us.

- What?

- It'’s a beautiful thing.

- I can'’t believe

you guys didn'’t get fired.

- What--

- We get fired?

Why would we get fired?

She'’s the one--got soccer

d*ck up her snooze-hole.

- What do you think

she'’s going to tell

your Uncle Wallace

back in New York--

that I walked in on her

f*cking the buyer'’s boyfriend?

I mean, come on.

- Pfft. Wha--

- This is, like--

this is our--

this is our

"get out of jail free" card.

And we only show it to pretty

much everybody we meet, so...

- Yeah, only--

only pretty much everybody.

- What would she have done

if Goran would have

been there today?

- She would have been fine.

She'’s a total pro.

She just

would have been like...

- Stop!

- Goal!

- Okay, can you just--

Wait.

Can you come here and play

this, like, last part

just one more time?

- Why?

Is it working for you?

Is this getting you hot?

- No, there was--Can you--

There'’s just, like,

something that'’s bugging me.

Yeah?

- Dinner, dummies, let'’s go!

- We'’re coming.

- All right, Kate.

- Next time. Sorry, pervo.

- Uh...

- Let'’s go eat.

- Oh. Well, you guys,

what am I gonna do

with this, like, laptop?

Okay, wait up, guys.

- Um, I'’m sorry, ma'’am,

could you--

And now... go!

Now go home!

Go!

- What the frig?

You guys, did you see

that old lady upstairs?

- Oh, my God, finally.

We'’re starving.

Come on, guys, let'’s go.

She'’s here.

- Did you guys not see her?

- Hey, Sarah, come on, let'’s go.

- Greg, that lady that was

your mom was upstairs again.

- It doesn'’t matter.

- Let'’s go.

- Come on.

We haven'’t eaten since Berlin.

- Rugul in Flacari--

best restaurant in town.

Of course, only restaurant

is best restaurant, huh?

Come.

- What'’s it--what does it mean?

- It means

"The Burning Steak."

- Okay, good enough for me.

- They'’re going to burn

my steak.

All right.

- What?

- Table, please.

- This--this is the table.

- This is the table.

- Hi, buddy.

- sh*t. Greg, those are the guys

who were at the church.

- Just sit down.

Don'’t worry.

Just don'’t make eye contact.

- Dude, dude.

How about those guys, huh?

- Don'’t.

- They look like cool guys.

- Shh.

- Let'’s just order some food.

Can you get the waitress?

- Vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka.

- Vodka all around.

- Uh, yeah.

- All right.

- Sarah, get in on this.

- Becky'’s tomorrow,

Amsterdam for three days,

and then God bless us,

back in the States.

- Hey, to the States.

- To the States!

- f*ck that.

To Amsterdam.

- States.

- To Amsterdam.

- Famous Soviet magic trick--

make vodka disappear.

Watch.

Focus pocus, and...

- Focus pocus?

- It'’s disappear!

- I know that trick.

I know that trick. Cheers.

- I'’m a magician too.

- I just had two sevens.

- Two sevens in a row means

bad luck

for the rest of your life.

- Okay, two sevens in a row

means I get to roll again.

- Tzuika, tzuika.

- I would know better

than anybody.

- Oh, my God,

I'’ve had five tzuikas.

Did we eat dinner yet?

- No.

- We haven'’t eaten?

Really? Nothing?

- Yeah.

- That'’s--Oh, wow.

Oh!

- h*!

- The pride of Humboldt County.

- The food'’s here.

The food'’s here, finally.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my gosh.

That looks so good.

- Thank you.

- Oh, fantastic.

- Oh, I think

that'’s yours, Alex.

- That looks more beautiful.

Aha.

- Just like butter.

- What are you talking about?

- Nothing.

I'’ll tell you when you'’re older.

- Ask your father.

- What'’s going on?

- You stop laughing!

You don'’t even know

what'’s going on!

Eat your goat d*ck

and shut up!

And you stop laughing.

Okay, I'’m rolling.

Let'’s hear it.

Ahh.

Many years ago...

beautiful woman builds home

outside Pavlovka.

She never bother nobody.

But she is stranger...

and these were

very cautious times.

So one day,

it happens in town.

The cattle get sick.

Children get sick.

People start to die.

Villagers want to know why.

Why is this happening?

Who is to blame?

They don'’t understand germs,

these people.

So here you have

single woman,

beautiful single woman.

She live outside of town.

She never go to church.

And she has black cat.

She must be witch.

Yeah.

- What happened?

- Well, villagers

go to her house.

They tie her to stake.

They burn her alive,

end of story.

Millions times this happens.

- They burned her alive?

- Da.

- Yeah, people suck

all over, man.

That'’s just the way it is.

That'’s just the way it is.

I mean, it'’s no different

than what we did in Salem

in the 1600s.

- Yes, but in Pavlovka,

this happens

only 100 years ago.

100 years only.

- That is awful.

- Eh.

Not really.

It'’s good for business.

- Oh, sh*t,

the restaurant'’s called

"The Burning Stake."

Da.

- Oh, "The Burning Stake."

- "The Burning Stake."

- Nasd--nasd--

Nasty.

- Nasty, nasty.

- Nice to know ya.

- Nice to know you.

- Nasdrovia.

Nice to know you.

- Nasdrovia.

- There'’s no T in "borsch."

- There is a T!

- It'’s "borsch."

- I can'’t believe we'’re having

this conversation.

- Everyone in America

says it with a T, Vladimir.

- No, no, no, no.

You'’re--you'’re wrong.

Shh.

- The streets are full

of drunks.

Come on, come on,

come on, come on,

- Do you know your back way

to hotel?

- Yes.

- We know the back way.

I only go back way.

I never go front way.

- Shh.

Quiet, you.

- Take me to your back way.

- Come, come.

Come on, come on.

- I have to piss

like a tiger.

- It is Friday morning.

We are still in Pavlovka

and check this out.

She'’s been standing there

for, like, 20 minutes.

- Sarah, let'’s go!

- Coming!

- Oh, h*, h*, look who it is.

- Alexi.

Let'’s just not do that, okay?

- Hello! Good day.

- Oh, good morning, Constable.

Sorry about yesterday

at the church. I--

- Just a misunderstanding

between people--

different cultures.

Maybe I visit today?

- Uh...

I--well, I don'’t think

I'’d be the person

to talk to

about that, but--

- Uh, Constable, hi.

I am Kate Banks.

- Hi.

This is my crew.

I-I know that they can be

a little enthusiastic,

but I assure you we won'’t use

any of the footage

that we shot

in your church.

That would be appreciated.

Uh, now I must ask,

will you be finished today?

- Yes, absolutely.

Yes, we would love

to spend more time

in your beautiful town,

but--

- "Oh, we'’d just love to stay

in your beautiful town."

Jesus, Kate.

- What the f*ck

did you want me to say?

The guy had a g*n.

Kate, you think like native.

g*n always wins.

- Okay, okay, all right.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, I just--

Daddy doesn'’t feel good.

- It sounds like you guys

had so much fun.

I wish I'’d go in town more.

Hey, are you gonna film

absolutely everything?

- Yeah, it'’s just something

we do.

- So we'’ve got six more hours

of good light.

- Oh.

- Guys, get set up.

Sarah, you'’re with me.

Come on.

- Okeydoke.

- Becky, I think it'’s great

right by that tree.

- Okay.

- Let'’s get a close-up.

Uh, just be natural.

- Right, okay.

Um...

Perfect.

- All right, so...

- Okay.

- To camera.

- Okay, fine.

- Do you have

a lot neighbors close by?

- No. My nearest neighbor

is about two miles away.

- And do you have them over?

Do you have dinner parties

with them?

- I think they think

I'’m weird.

Like, who would live

all the way out here

if they didn'’t have to?

- Oh, they don'’t find

country life romantic?

Yeah, I guess not.

I have some ferns, of course,

you know?

Um, very hot peppers.

Um, I have, uh, mandrake.

- Mm, growing

some aphrodisiacs, huh?

- Okay, we'’re done.

Sarah.

I know that

you'’re Wallace'’s niece,

but out here,

I'’m you'’re f*cking boss.

- I was trying to help.

- Sarah, shut the f*ck up.

- Oh, come on, Kate.

- I know that you just graduated

from film school and you think

that you know everything,

but you don'’t, okay?

You don'’t.

And the only way

that you'’re going to learn

is by keeping

your f*cking mouth shut

and watching the professionals

do their jobs.

You understand?

Do you understand?

Sarah, are you okay?

- Just stay out of her way.

Stick with us for a while.

Let her calm down, all right?

It isn'’t all bad,

I promise.

- Are you guys sure

I'’m not in the way?

- No, you'’re okay.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- Yo.

- Are you filming

the cellar now?

- Uh, we'’re not. We'’re gonna

sh**t the ground floor

while the light'’s good,

but later, yeah, for sure.

- Okay.

- I promise we'’ll get to it.

- Okay.

- f*cking cutie-patootie.

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh-huh.

What? Alex, is she your type?

Okay.

- I want to get this fireplace,

but I'’m thinking, like,

hot spot off the window--

it'’s not gonna look good.

- How the f*ck

did I do this?

Um, you can just sh**t it

from where she'’s standing.

- Yeah?

- Yeah,

it looks great from here.

- I need the reflectors.

- How'’s that?

- That'’s better.

Becky, in your own time.

- And it--it'’s just--

I mean,

the whole house smells warm.

The food comes out, like,

beautifully, just because--

Pump. I don'’t know

if you remember before,

but the water was,

you know,

kind of came out dripping

and kind of green.

And all of this wood here

is salvaged wood,

so everything is getting

a renewed life.

You know?

So Goran did so much

on the outside here--

the staining, detailing,

these slats.

Anyway, um,

if you come inside,

I can show you

some of my work here.

Um, oh, and this fire

I have to tend to constantly.

Placement really matters,

you know?

It'’s not like working

with a commercial kiln at all,

but it'’s really cool,

you know--

uh, go back to the old ways,

be part of tradition.

And the best part is,

um, I made myself something

to remind me

of how it was

when we first got here.

And here'’s my little friend.

- Oh, it'’s the cat

from the first segment.

That is so cute.

- Jesus f*cking Christ!

Go make yourself useful

and go get me

some B-roll shots, all right?

sh**t some f*cking trees,

some cows.

Just get the f*ck

out of my face.

- I paid $150,000

at film school

to film trees.

We got it.

We got the B-roll you needed.

We got this big-a*s stump.

Want some B-roll

of some stray dogs?

Here you go.

The barn of passion...

transformed from a place

where animals eat

into a warm

and stylish f*ck.

Skank.

Huh.

Looks like Becky

ran out of steam.

Oh, hello, señor frog.

Whoa.

What the hell is that?

Ah!

- Who'’s a good dog?

Who'’s my good boy?

You want to be a TV star?

- Alex?

"I do Arrex."

- Alex?

- "I do want to be a TV star."

What'’s up?

- Something'’s wrong

with the camera.

- Oh, great.

Kate'’s gonna love that.

You should go show it

to Greg.

He'’s inside setting up

a shot.

- Okay.

- Good boy want a Doina?

Does a good boy

want a Doina?

What'’s this?

It'’s a Doina.

Yeah.

You don'’t like Doina?

- Uh, Greg, there'’s something

wrong with the camera.

- Let'’s take a look.

Did you try turning it

off and on?

Sometimes that works.

- Yes.

Looks like it'’s working.

- It was totally

fritzing out before.

- Yeah.

No, it looks good to me now.

So, uh,

what are you doing later?

- I don'’t know.

I got this thing.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

- What?

- Bumpy ride, bad food.

- Oh, the "bumpy ride,

bad food" thing?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I got one of those too.

- Yeah.

- How about after that?

- Wasn'’t gonna get this done,

so here we go.

How hard could this be?

Uh, excuse me.

Yes, I am Kate Banks,

host and producer

of "Home Hunters Global."

I know.

Oh, I'’ve got more fans.

Okay.

Oh, you guys are so great.

So, uh, what'’s your favorite

part of the show?

Kate?

Kate, you--Becky, she wants to

show us something inside.

Come, come, come.

- All right.

- So you guys remember

the wine cellar, right?

- Right, yeah.

- You are not gonna believe

what we found when we

started fixing this all up.

- Cases of wine?

Yeah.

All right, hold on.

Here we go.

Oh, can you grab

that light?

Mm-hmm.

- What was that?

- What the hell?

- That'’s Alex.

- What'’s going on?

- Alex!

Oh, my gosh!

Get him off me!

- Oh, my God, Alex, your arm!

- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t.

Come on, come on, come on.

- Jesus Christ.

- We need a blanket.

The guy'’s going into shock.

- We don'’t have

a f*cking blanket.

- Then take off your jacket

and put it over his shoulder!

- What the f*ck

did he say about rabies?

Get him inside.

- Keep your arm up!

- Doctor?

What kind of hospital is this?

- Here we go.

- I can'’t believe this is

the only doctor in town.

- Only doctor in town

is best doctor in town.

- We should have stayed

and finished the sh**t.

- Really, Kate?

With a dead sound tech?

I'’d love to see you

explain that to Wallace.

- f*ck Wallace.

f*ck this.

How am I supposed to do a show

with a bunch of f*ck?

I'’m going to get some air.

Greg, is he going to be okay?

That was a lot of blood.

- Yeah, I think Alex

is going to be fine.

That wasn'’t...

It wasn'’t that much blood.

- So...

uh, what happened

in Afghanistan?

- Game of badminton,

ladies?

- It lives.

- Are you okay?

- It does,

- Like Lazarus.

- Yeah. No, man, it was gnarly.

Let me tell you something--

this dude right here

has the best painkillers

in the city.

That'’s my boy.

If it'’s good enough for pigs,

it'’s good enough for me,

right, my man?

- Alex, okay.

- Put it up here.

- Thank you very much

for your help.

- That'’s right.

That'’s my boy right there.

Sarah, let'’s get the f*ck

out of here.

- That'’s my guy.

I tell you, you haven'’t lived

until you got

a brain full of narcotics

and a belly full

of hog ba*ls, people.

It'’s Heaven.

- These guys are still

staring at us.

- That'’s really good.

- I know. They are big starers

in this town.

- It'’s a little village,

little people.

Naturally curious,

like monkeys.

- Creepy monkeys.

- You know, we could just

order them some drinks.

It'’s cheap, it'’s easy.

- Ah, drinks--this they like.

Good idea.

- Vladimir, make that happen.

- Kellneriza.

Noroc.

- Noroc!

- Yes.

- Cheers, Noroc.

- Okay, someone'’s getting up.

- Ah, sh*t.

Greg?

- Uh, hey, Greg, he only ask

why you filming everything.

- Hey, cheers, you guys.

- Noroc. Noroc.

- See?

Booze buys happiness every time.

Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!

- Doi, trei, go!

- It'’s 3-D! It'’s 3-D!

- Vladimir!

Get some f*cking alcohol!

Come on, man.

Hey!

♪

Hey!

- Holy f*cking sh*t.

♪

- Hey!

- Whoo! Hey, Vladimir!

- Opa!

Okay, Greg.

Here we go.

♪

Ahh!

♪

Alex, help him!

Help him!

Come on,

come on, come on.

Push, push!

Yeah!

Yes! USA! USA!

- You, uh, drunk enough

to tell me about Afghanistan?

You ever gonna talk

to me again?

Ugh!

- Your name again

is Margarita, right?

- Margaretta.

- And you'’re Marga--what?

- Margaretta.

- Margaretta.

That'’s nice.

What? What did she say?

What'’s your name again?

Luma?

- Nozomi.

- Nozomi?

That'’s a nice name.

Nozomi.

Nozomi and Margarita.

So what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah.

I don'’t like her new haircut.

I don'’t think it'’s hot.

- Your earrings are gorgeous.

- Che?

- Uh, Vladimir, how do

I say "gorgeous"?

- Frumoasa.

- Frumoasa.

Yeah.

- Multumesc.

Multumesc.

- You'’re welcome.

- All right, Vlad,

how do I say, uh, "beer"?

- Bere.

- Bere!

- Bere!

- Quatro bere?

- How do I say vodka?

- Quatro bere.

- Quatro bere.

- Vodka. That'’s, like,

international, man.

Everybody knows vodka.

- Wodka? Wodka!

Yes? Hey, wodka!

- How do you say

"bedroom"?

- Dormitor.

- I don'’t want this.

This isn'’t for me.

This is--you got

to give it to her.

- Uh, Valdimir,

how do I say "I'’m sorry"?

- Ime pare rau.

- Ime pare rau.

- Sunt un cretin.

- Sunt--

Wait. What?

- Sunt un cretin.

- Sunt un cretin.

- What does that mean?

- It means "I am as*h*le."

- Um, how do--

how do you say, um...

"Do you have any diseases

that I should

be worried about"?

- Jesus.

How do you say "moron"?

- Prost.

- Prost! We got a big-a*s

prostover here.

- Dickwad.

How do you say "dickwad"?

- Prost.

- Cacanar.

- Cacanar!

- Cacanar?

- Cacanar!

I can'’t believe you just

went cacanaron me.

- I went cacanar.

- f*cking prost.

- I'’ve got a good one.

How do you say

"spoiled brat"?

- Rasfatat.

- Rasfatat!

- Oh, that is so mean.

How do you say "witch"?

- Vrajitoare.

- Vrajitoare!

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

- Marius!

- Hey!

- All right, let'’s go, guys.

Come on, come on, come on.

- Come on.

- That was so stupid.

Next time keep

your f*cking mouth shut.

- I'’m sorry. I didn'’t mean

to say something like that.

It just--

- It'’s bar. People get drunk.

They fight. It'’s okay.

- No, it'’s definitely

not okay.

Tomorrow we finish up

at Becky'’s,

and we head

straight to the airport.

- Kate, we'’ve all

been there, okay? Just back off.

- I didn'’t come

to this sh*thole

to get in a stupid

bar fight.

- Yeah, why did we come

to this sh*thole?

- Ugh!

Greg, are you still filming?

Turn that f*cking thing off.

- b*tch.

- No, they'’ve been here

since this morning.

You guys didn'’t hire them

or anything?

They'’re not--I thought

maybe extras or something.

- Mm-mm.

- Sarah, do me a favor.

Don'’t point the camera

directly at them.

- Okay, sorry.

- Kate, call it, please.

I mean, should we get

in touch with that constable?

What are we doing?

- I have no signal.

- The same.

- Maybe I should just

go talk to them.

- No.

- I'’m sure it'’ll be fine.

- No, let'’s just do our jobs

and get out of here quickly.

Please?

- I agree.

Let'’s sh**t it.

Let'’s--let'’s go home.

- Oh, f*ck me.

- We'’ll be fast, okay?

- Fine.

- Come on, we can get this done.

- Let'’s do it fast,

and let'’s get out of here

before they go all

"Deliverance" on our asses.

- Uh, Becky do you have

a paring knife?

Big knives look

threatening on camera.

- Oh.

Uh, yeah, of course.

Um...

- Perfect.

- This is--Jeez.

- Let'’s get a nice shot

of these.

Ooh, that'’s really creepy.

Make sure to get that.

And there'’s a couple of things

I wanted in the bedroom.

- Drop your boom, Alex.

- So I really couldn'’t have done

any of this without Goran.

Here we go.

I'’m so excited to show you.

- Oh, it looks cool.

- All right, come on down.

- I'’m sad I didn'’t

get to meet Goran.

- I know, but his plane

doesn'’t even get in

till tomorrow.

- Holy crap, Becky!

- Oh, my God!

- Holy sh*t.

- This is great.

Did you paint this?

- No, can you believe anyone

ever covered this up?

I sent pictures to a friend

of mine in Venice,

and he dated the floor

to the time of the Roman Empire.

- Wow.

- A national treasure

in my basement.

- Oh, it'’s beautiful.

- I want to get it

from over here.

- And what about this wine

stomping vat? Holy sh*t.

- Oh, I just use that to store

paint thinner and stuff.

You know, the smell.

Oh, but here'’s the best part!

And I wanted to show you guys

all at once.

Ta-da!

- Wow!

- Whoa!

- Oh, my God. It'’s Vladimir'’s

story about the witch.

- You, uh, are

very good painter, Becky.

- Oh, no, I didn'’t paint this.

It was here.

They'’ve been using torches

down here for a hundred years.

It was covered under

all this soot and smoke.

- Uh, Greg, our flight

leaves in seven hours.

Do you want to go get all your

gear and get set up down here?

- Yeah, yeah, I got it.

- There'’s more on this wall.

I was hoping to finish it

before you guys got here,

and I ran out of time.

- This is an amazing find,

Becky--great work.

- Thank you.

I'’m really proud of it.

- I don'’t know

if I'’d want to sleep

with this in my basement.

This is kind of creepy,

don'’t you think?

- Oh, no!

I'’m not superstitious

It'’s not scary.

It'’s just history.

- You know, I have some friends

at the Learning Network.

They might build

an hour-long special from this.

I mean, they'’d pay you,

of course, Becky.

- It would also make

great tourist attraction.

Uh, bed and breakfast.

People from Netherlands

eat this up with spoon.

Uh, you could get rich.

- I'’m not interested

in money.

I just want everybody to

experience it, every bit of it.

You know, it'’s funny--

I moved here to be an artist,

and here I find

I'’m not the first,

like I'’m part

of a tradition.

In a weird way, it just

makes me feel... connected.

- Hey, guys, guys!

- What the f*ck?

- Wow!

So... does this mean

we'’re not getting

our rental deposit back?

- How could they have done this

with us right inside?

- Guys, I think we need

to call the cops.

- How are we gonna

call the cops, dude?

We don'’t have

any cell phone signal.

- There'’s not enough people

out here for tower.

- Jesus. Becky, can we

use your phone?

- Um, I-I don'’t have

a landline.

- Great. Can you give us

a ride to the airport?

- Sorry.

I only have my bike.

- Well, so we'’re f*cking

stuck here.

- Should we call

a cab, or...?

- Yeah, that'’s great, Sarah.

Why don'’t you walk into town,

go hail one, and bring it back?

- Well, good luck with that,

'’cause whoever did this

is still out there.

- Oh, God, if they wanted

to start something with us,

they would'’ve.

We were 10 feet away.

This is

passive-aggressive bullshit.

- I don'’t know, Kate.

Doesn'’t look

too passive to me.

- Yeah, well,

who'’s fault is that?

I told you all to keep

a low profile in town.

- Kate, how are we supposed

to do that?

We'’re carrying

cameras around.

- Start by not filming

funerals, Greg.

- We'’re live, sister.

- Hey, you know what?

At least I didn'’t get

their dog shot, right?

- And this one

yelling "witch"

in the middle of a bar

full of psycho Euro-hicks.

Way to win over

the locals, Sarah.

- Well, maybe I should just

f*ck them instead!

- You little b*tch!

- No!

- Hey! Hey! Hey!

Sarah!

- Don'’t fight, don'’t fight!

I go!

- No, no, no, guys--

- I go! Stop!

- Hold on.

- I go.

I go to town.

Everyone loves

Vladimir.

It will take me a while,

but I will get help.

- Are you serious?

You want to go out there?

- Only volunteer

is best volunteer.

- There'’s just

a few things in here,

in case you need '’em.

- Vladimir, this is for the car.

- Thank you.

I bring back change,

okay?

- Dude, I want you

to have that,

in case of emergencies.

- Spaceba, bratov.

- Later, brother.

- Bye.

Oh!

- What?

- I have heart attack.

Aagh!

Ha! I'’m kidding.

Just kidding.

I kid. I be okay.

Don'’t worry.

♪

- Tension relief fail.

- So it kind of looks

like rain.

Anybody wants some coffee?

- Yes, please.

- Yeah, that would be great.

- I'’ll make it.

- All-in.

- All right,

let'’s dance, lady.

I call.

What do you got?

- Two pair!

Aces over 8s.

- You b*tch.

Good hand.

Not as good

as five Vladimirs, though.

Yeah, sorry.

- Have you been playing with

those cards the entire time?

- Read '’em and weep.

- Wallace is gonna

hit the roof over this.

- "1,000 di Tipuri

di Brooaste."

This is one of my--

See, I love this guy.

He'’s great.

Uh, you know, this is--

Lost my virginity

to that guy.

What does that mean--

"assuming the bridge is okay"?

- Um, well, last spring

there was--

It washed out a little bit,

but I think it'’ll be okay.

- It washed out?

Oh, sh*t--

I mean, it'’s not raining

that hard right now, is it?

No, it'’ll be okay.

- Are you laughing at me?

Yeah.

- Did that sound kind of

panicked when I said that?

I meant that to be more

of like a masculine--

Kind of like,

"It'’s not raining?"

- You, uh, do this at home?

You have a lady at home

waiting for you

to cook for her?

- If I had a lady at home

doing this for me,

I'’d have no idea

how to do this.

- No, I mean, you know,

I want to direct

my own stuff, I think.

It'’d be nice.

I mean, not that

it'’s not super fun

working for Kate,

who'’s just really

the nicest lady

you ever want to work--

She'’s a b*tch.

- That'’s terrible.

- She'’s just such a b*tch.

Not that I don'’t like it here.

Not that I don'’t like it here.

It'’s just that...

I don'’t like it here.

I think we can add

those peppers now. You ready?

- Dude, you gonna,

like, pay $10,000

to get one from a scalper?

- Just get online.

- No, I'’ll get you guys tickets.

- What is--

what was that?

You'’ll get us tickets?

- Mm-hmm.

- You mean Uncle Wallace

will get us tickets?

That'’s very nice of him.

I should write him

a thank-you note.

- Kate, are you not

going to eat your food?

- Pretty cool.

Like this?

- Yeah, but don'’t try

to hold it steady.

It'’s just going to make

you shake it more.

- Yeah, listen to her.

She went to film school.

- And we taught her well.

- You taped it,

didn'’t you?

- What are you talking about?

- You know

what I'’m talking about.

You taped it.

You lied.

You said

the camera was off.

Which one of you showed her...

- Kate.

- Alex?

- All right,

you know what, Kate?

Don'’t do this, not now, okay?

Not in front of Becky.

- Um, maybe

I should just go.

- No, Becky,

Kate'’s done.

This is your house.

You don'’t have

to go anywhere.

Listen, we'’ve all

had a rough day.

Let try to keep it

together.

Vladimir'’s been gone,

what, two hours?

He'’s caught a ride into town.

He'’s gonna be back.

- Really? Yeah, when?

- Soon.

- Becky, why don'’t I teach you

how to pull focus?

- Uh, okay.

- Put your fingers like this,

right here.

- I begged Wallace

not to make me

come back here with you.

- Manganese granular.

You just put it in the glaze,

and then it comes out like this.

- Huh.

- The rain'’s definitely

letting up.

We should get out

of here soon.

- That suits me.

It'’s getting stuffy in here.

- Becky, those are

really beautiful.

- Thanks.

I have a lot more.

You want to see them?

They'’re in the kiln hut.

- Yeah, absolutely.

Let me grab a battery.

- There'’s this really cool

crafts fair in Chisinau.

Once a month, I go there,

and I sell my pots.

- Yeah? Do you make

a lot of money like that?

- Uh, well, not really,

because you kind of have

to be there a long time,

but I do sell some,

and it'’s pretty great.

Oh, my God.

- What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh, what'’s the--

Oh, my gosh.

- Are you okay?

♪

- We'’re filming everything

from now on.

We can'’t let these people

get away with this.

- It'’s f*cked up.

- We shouldn'’t have

come back here.

What the f*ck?

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, Jesus.

What the f*ck is that?

- Would somebody please explain

to these assholes

that we are Americans?

- What?

- Becky, help me--

- All right, I'’m getting set.

I'’m going to close the bedroom.

- I need the g*dd*mn hammer!

Kate, give me a hand already!

Come on!

Go, go, go, go, go.

- That'’s good.

That'’s good.

- Okay, is there anything else

you guys can think of

that we can do to, like,

trap ourselves in here?

- Look, I would rather be in

here than out there, all right?

- We'’re safe.

- Safe?

If they want us, they'’re going

to come in here and get us.

- Nobody'’s getting in here,

Kate--don'’t worry.

- Oh, and if they

can'’t come in,

they'’re just going to

f*cking burn this place down.

- Oh, God.

- We need to head out

to the woods.

- The woods?

- Yes.

- Kate, we don'’t--

we don'’t have any gear.

We don'’t even have a compass.

Where the hell are we gonna go?

- Anywhere but here!

Jesus Christ.

Becky, Goran--you said Goran'’s

coming in tomorrow morning.

What time does

his flight land?

- What?

- Goran, his flight--

when does he land?

- Um, 8:00 a.m.

He said he was coming

straight here.

- Okay, 8:00 a.m.

- Okay.

- Right, it'’s

a two-hour flight.

Kate?

- Yeah.

He'’s in his car by 9:00.

He'’s here by 11:00,

noon at the latest.

- All right, assuming

that he didn'’t miss his flight.

- I'’m sure he didn'’t

miss his flight.

- Or the bridge isn'’t out or

those f*cking maniacs out there

didn'’t cut him up the way

they f*cking cut up Vladimir!

- Enough!

I'’m sorry.

Sorry.

- Oh, that'’s

f*cking great, Kate.

That'’s f*cking awesome.

- Guys, listen,

here'’s the plan.

We'’re gonna stay her tonight,

we'’re gonna wait for Goran,

and we'’re gonna drive

out of here in the morning.

- You don'’t give

orders, Greg.

This is my production.

- We'’re not making

the show anymore, Kate.

- And yet

you'’re still filming.

- That'’s because we film

everything from here on out...

everything.

- None of you

ever liked me.

Do you know how many times

I covered for you guys?

You'’ve all been laughing

at me this whole time.

- The sun'’s going down.

- sh*t.

Just making sure.

- We need to get some sleep.

- Yeah, that'’s great.

Who the f*ck can sleep?

- All right, great, man.

You take the first watch.

Ladies.

- You can take this room.

- Okay, thanks, Becky.

Listen, Sarah, I want you

to keep that camera rolling

and then change

the batteries, all right?

Thank you.

- And, um, Sarah,

if you'’re okay with doubling up,

you can share this room

with me, okay?

See anything?

- No.

Have you had a lot of problems

with these people before?

Well, I don'’t speak

the language yet,

but, um...

I'’ve gotten some hard stares

at the market--

single woman and all

living this far out of town.

You know?

And I don'’t go

to church.

So I haven'’t gone

out of my way to...

become part

of their community.

But this is...

I'’m really gonna miss

this house.

Oh, my God. What was that?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Yo.

What are you doing up?

- Can'’t sleep.

- Yeah, I know.

Tell me about it.

Kate went to sleep, like,

ten minutes after you guys left,

stuck me with all

this f*cking guard duty.

- Well, Greg and I are gonna

take over in an hour, so...

- Mm, that'’s great.

Then I can go

and not sleep in there.

- Listen, Goran'’s gonna be here

in the morning.

All we have to do

is last through the night.

- Yeah, I mean, that'’s assuming

he shows up in that SUV

and doesn'’t ride in here

on a f*cking Vespa or something.

Look, I know Kate

is being a b*tch,

but this plan really does have

a lot of holes in it, you know?

What if he does miss

his plane?

What if the bridge

is washed out?

What if he doesn'’t get here?

And you know what?

Even if he does get here,

how do we know we can even trust

this f*cking guy?

He'’s one of them, right?

- Vladimir was one of them.

- I don'’t know.

- Greg?

- Aah! What the f*ck?

Get off me!

- Greg, it'’s just me!

It'’s Sarah!

It'’s me. It'’s Sarah.

It'’s Sarah. It'’s Sarah.

- You guys all right?

- Yeah, it'’s okay!

We'’re fine!

- Then stop freaking me out!

- Greg.

- W-we were sh**ting...

at an all-girls school...

to...

I don'’t know.

To show how things

were changing over there.

And we were--finished the shot.

We were leaving.

We were walking

through the door,

and these two local Taliban

showed up.

And this is the South.

I mean, this isn'’t hard-core

Swat Valley Taliban.

These are just

local bullies.

You know, guys like this,

they just...

They just come in,

and they...

break some windows,

and they flip some tables,

and they burn books,

and then they lecture the women,

and they f*ck off.

But this time

was different...

Because this time

they see me...

And they see my camera...

And the chance

to make a splash...

to make the news

in America.

So they take

this little girl.

She'’s maybe, like,

ten years old.

She'’d just learned

to read and write.

She was learning English.

I mean--

f*ck!

The future of the country.

And they pulled out

this big knife...

And they made me film it.

- Greg, there was nothing

you could'’ve done.

They had machine g*ns.

There'’s not--

You couldn'’t have done anything

to stop them.

- I didn'’t even try!

I didn'’t even try!

I didn'’t even try.

Hey.

What is it?

- Nothing.

- All right,

come on, let'’s go.

- What is that, a pipe?

- Hey, wake up.

- What?

- What the hell

were you thinking?

- What? I'’m sorry. I was trying

to take the edge off.

- Dude, why the f*ck

would you want no edge?

- You guys, where'’s Kate?

- Oh, sh*t.

- Becky, get up.

We got a problem.

- Becky, Kate'’s missing.

- She'’s not in the cellar.

- sh*t.

Way to go, Alex.

- What do you want me

to say, dude? I'’m sorry, okay?

- Why would she sneak off

without us?

- '’Cause Kate looks out

for number one--that'’s why.

- Exactly. Even if I was awake,

what am I gonna do--

talk Kate from going out

the f*cking door?

- Shh.

We have to do something.

- Help me.

Help.

- We can'’t just stand here,

you guys.

- I'’m going.

- D-d-don'’t go out there.

They'’re trying to lure us

out there.

It'’s a trap.

I swear to God, Greg, please.

- He'’s right.

You can'’t do it alone.

- Thank you.

- Okay, we'’ll all go

out together.

- What the f*ck?

Why? Why?

Kate wouldn'’t do it

for us.

What?

She wouldn'’t.

- You guys good?

- Yeah.

- All right, come on. Come on.

- Oh, f*ck me, man.

- Watch your step.

- I can'’t--

- Shh, shh, shh.

- sh*t.

- Don'’t f*cking wave that poker

in my face.

- Okay.

Uh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Becky.

- Okay, I know.

- Shh.

- Sarah, what do you see?

- I can'’t see anything.

Sarah, can you see anything?

I hear something.

Sarah?

- I can'’t see my f*cking hand

in front of my face.

- Alex, shut the f*ck up.

There'’s people out here.

I heard something.

- My God. God.

- Help me.

- Oh, my God.

- I can hear her.

- Oh, my God.

- I can hear her, guys.

Come on.

Stay low.

- Wait, wait wait!

- Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Please, please please.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Sarah, can you see anything?

Stop! Stop!

- My God.

- No.

- Shh, shh. Listen.

- Okay.

Oh, my God.

- I can hear her.

I can hear her.

- Alex. Alex.

- Kate.

Kate.

- No, I--

- Sarah, can you see?

- I can'’t see.

- Sarah, what can you see?

- I can'’t see sh*t.

- Kate, where the f*ck are you?

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- No!

- She'’s dead!

I'’m going back to the house!

- Alex!

- Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!

He'’s right, all right?

There'’s nothing

we can do for her.

They'’re still out here.

Sarah.

Sarah, come on.

- Greg.

- Guys, let'’s get the f*ck

out of here.

Becky.

Let'’s get back inside. -

- Okay, Sarah, come on.

Come on.

- Yeah, go check the bedrooms.

Go, come on.

- Greg, can I talk to you

for a second?

- Sarah, go!

Just go f*cking help Alex!

- I have to tell you something--

- Quit f*cking around!

Come on!

- God damn it!

Alex, Alex, Alex.

- f*cking bullshit.

- Goran'’s car is in the barn.

- What?

- Goran'’s car is in the barn

right now.

- Goran'’s here?

- No, his car is in the barn.

It'’s covered in dust.

- What are you saying?

- Oh, my God, the barn.

Holy sh*t.

Where'’s your laptop?

- What the f*ck

are you talking about?

- Get your laptop out.

Come up.

Where the f*ck is it?

- I mean, what, Sarah? What?

- Shut up.

- What? What'’s okay?

- It'’s not even on.

- The camera isn'’t on.

- We were just talking

about this. It'’s not on.

- It'’s not on.

There.

- What is that?

Oh, sh*t.

What are we gonna do?

She'’s right the f*ck

out there.

- Okay. Okay. Okay.

So she'’s a f*cking psychopath.

She saw them.

She k*lled Goran.

She k*lled Kate.

Why the f*ck

did she k*ll Vladimir?

- I don'’t know.

Because he saw.

Greg.

- Greg.

Holy sh*t. Greg!

Greg. sh*t.

- What?

- Okay, come on, let'’s go.

Come on! Come on!

- I can'’t go down there

with her.

- For once in your life!

I'’m not gonna stand around

debating this with you.

Go downstairs now!

- f*ck!

- Oh, my God. Alex!

f*ck!

- Oh, my God!

- Jesus f*cking Christ!

Don'’t touch me!

Get the f*ck away from me!

Don'’t touch me!

Don'’t touch me! Greg!

- Shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

- Just wait here.

- Alex?

- Alex?

Alex?

- Sarah?

- I'’m right here.

- Sarah?

- Alex?

Greg, I have to tell you

something.

- I keep this down here

in case of emergency.

- It'’s 3:00 now. We got 8 hours

until Goran shows up.

We got to take that thing

out of you.

- No, we'’re not taking

this thing out of me,

'’cause this is the thing that'’s

f*cking plugging the hole!

- I'’ve done this before.

Trust me. Come on.

- Greg, I have to tell you

something.

Here, take this.

- Greg.

- Put this in your mouth.

Bite down on this.

Bite down on it.

I got his arm.

- I got it.

- Don'’t scream.

That'’s it. That'’s it.

That'’s it. That'’s it.

That'’s it. That'’s it.

That'’s it. That'’s it.

- Can you deal with this?

- Bite down.

Bite down if you have to.

Are you done screaming?

You done screaming?

f*ck you.

- f*ck me.

Yeah, f*ck me.

- I'’m good. I'’m good.

- You got it.

You got it.

You got it.

- Oh, f*ck!

- You got it.

- What the hell?

- It'’s okay.

Shh, shh, shh.

Alex, Alex,

it'’s gonna be okay.

Trust me.

- What is that?

Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my God.

- Do you like it?

- What the hell'’s going on?

- Greg, she'’s crazy.

She k*lled Goran,

and she k*lled Kate,

and she k*lled Vladimir.

- Sarah, what the hell

are you talking about?

- She saw them together

in the barn.

His car is in the barn.

- All right, just--just--

just calm down.

- I'’m not gonna

f*cking calm down!

Look at this mural right now.

That'’s us!

That is us!

She planned

this whole entire thing.

- No.

- She painted about it.

- I didn'’t pain that.

That was always here.

Iwas always here.

- What?

- I was just waiting...

for Becky, for you.

- Becky, what

are you talking about?

- Dude, she is

f*cking psychotic, okay?

- All right.

- Listen to me.

She thinks she'’s a witch.

- Okay.

- And those hicks

up there do too.

- All right, just--just back

the f*ck off.

- They'’re not here to k*ll us.

They'’re here to k*ll her.

We'’re just in the way.

- No.

I want you here...

to record what happens,

like in the mural.

Let'’s start with a close-up.

- Becky, what--

- Aah!

- Becky...

- Dude.

- Just let go of that,

all right, Becky?

Becky.

Let go of Sarah, Becky.

Sarah?

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

It'’s Goran.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- sh*t.

- What--

- No, Becky.

Becky, what are you doing?

Okay.

- Oh, my--

- Becky. Becky, listen to me.

It'’s Greg. Becky.

Becky, just put that down.

You don'’t have to do that,

all right?

Let'’s just talk.

Becky.

- Greg.

- Greg!

- Greg!

- Greg!

- Sarah, Alex, get out of here!

Go now!

- Whoa!

- Aah!

- Greg!

- Sarah, we'’ve got

to f*cking go!

- Aah!

- sh*t. Give me the camera.

Give it to me.

Sarah.

Sarah, go.

Go! Run!

- Ow. sh*t.

- We got to go.

Just go! Go!

- Aah!

- Just go!

Go! Go!

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Come on, come on.

Sarah, come on!

- This way, this way!

- What do we--

- Help us!

- Witch lover!

- No, no, no.

No, no, wait.

What the f*ck?

♪

Jeez!

♪

What the f*ck?

Oh, f*ck me.

Oh, f*ck me!

f*ck me!

f*ck me!

No! No!

sh*t!

Dickless piece of--

f*ck!

- Aah!

sh*t!

- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

- No!

- f*ck.

Jesus!

Oh! Oh!

Great. Great.

sh*t. sh*t!

Wait, wait.

Wait. No, no, no.

Look.

Come on, look.

You want my shoes?

I'’m not even American.

I'’m Canadian!

♪

- Good Canadian shoes.

No, no, no, no!

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

It'’s okay.

You want me to film it?

Okay.

Okay, I'’ll film it.

I'’ll film it.

sh*t.

Oh, my God.

I can'’t believe

she actually drank that sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, that'’s not a good idea.

That is not a good idea.

Oh, sh*t.

- What did I say?

Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t!

sh*t.

- I used to have a painter.

Now I have a director...

Unless...

you don'’t want to be

my director.

No, sh*t, that'’s--that'’s cool.

I mean,

who doesn'’t want to direct?

- Good.

Show everyone.

How the f*ck am I gonna

explain this to Wallace?

♪

♪

- Whoo!

- Whoo!

Opa!

♪

- Eat you goat d*ck

and shut up.

You stop laughing.