01x02 - We Bot A Zoo

[bunniefuu]

Did I graze it?

Did I get it?

Am I hot or am I cold?

- Stop overthinking
- and commit already!

Indecisive m*therf*cker.

Come on, big molar, big molar,

big molar, big molar!

Oh, sh*t, yeah!

I just took

all your bicuspids, Ze-yotch!

Suck it!

- She's a child, you psycho.

- Hey, lady, I'm not the one

who raised their kid

to be a f*cking loser!

- Dang! Free massages?

Hell yes.

- I know, right?

Just start wherever

and work your way down.

Feel free to go... low.

- What the heck is this?

A party?

Oh, let me guess.

Hudson's invitation must've

got lost in the mail.

- Huh?

Oh, no, I didn't send one.

- Attention, party animals!

What do you get for the cheetah

- who has no idea what he wants
- and when you ask,

He has a full-on panic attack?

- I went with nothing.

- Yeah, same.
- Sorry, Glenn.

You got to tell a b*tch.

- Behold the most giftastic

gift of all time.

The perfect companion

built to be exactly like you

in every way.

Glenn, meet Glenn-bot.

- Hey, Glenn-bot!
- How's it going?

- Hey, Glenn.

How's it going?

- Hey.
- Oh!

- Ooh, spooky.

- As f*ck.

- Wow! Thanks, Darb.

- This is way better
- than the noise machine

- I told everyone I wanted,
- but no one got me, I guess.

- Hmm.

- Okay, he's perfect

and I love him.

- Happy birthday, buddy.

- What the sh*t?

Where's my me-bot?

- Yeah, no fair!

I want to hang out

with my awesome self.

- If they get one, I get one,
- and give mine lasers!

- Fine.

- Tea, Glenn-bot?

- Ooh, English breakfast,

please.

And decaf.

- Right. Yes, decaf, obviously.

So it's your first day.

What are we feeling?

Should we listen to music,

do some journaling,

get our morning pages in...

Or... oh!

- The ostriches are doing
- their pottery class later.

- Oh, I don't know.

- Whatever you want to do
- is fine by me.

- You're new here, pal.

You decide.

- Okay, let's do
- the pottery thing.

- Rock and roll!

I'll go get my coupon.

- Actually, I don't know.

- The clay might be bad
- for my eczema.

- God, he really programed
- everything.

- Well, why don't we bust out
- those journals?

And jam out some motions...

- Great, well, that's there...

- Uh, you know what?

On second thought,

- I haven't been sentient long
- enough to know what to write.

- Okay.

- Also, do you have

any lemon-ginger or chai?

- Yeah, obviously.

- Great.

Let's get cray!

Ooh, is half-caf a poss optch?

- Finally, a worthy opponent.

Me!

- f*ck' cheers to that!

- Quadruple molar?

Hell yeah!

Beat that, bolt-brains!

Incisor, baby.

- Suck it.
- You suck it.

That's my incisor.

- You suck it.
- I got that on my first roll.

- You suck it.

No, you didn't.

You calling me a cheater,

beyotch?

- All right,
- let's make this snappy,

- 'cause I got
- a pottery class later

And Mama's gonna lay a glaze.

What the...

- Ugh. There you are!

- Uh-uh, you better get
- that gorgeous panda a*s

Off my table.

You're here to service me.

- Ugh, I'm too tense to move.

- Loosen me up
- and I'll return the favor.

Maybe.

- For the record, this is only

to show you how I like it.

- Oh, I'll show you

how I like it.

- What the heck, Darby?

- Why'd everyone else
- get a cool robot?

- Oh, well, maybe

because I was saving

the coolest robot for last.

Huh?

- Existence is pain.

- I don't know.

He doesn't seem quite as...

not broken as the other robots.

- If you're suggesting that
- I threw Hudson-bot together

Out of random spare parts

that I found in my junk drawer

and assembled in 20 minutes

because I sort of kind of

maybe forgot about you, then...

- You know what?

- I don't care
- if he is an afterthought

- 'cause us after afterthoughts
- got to stick together.

Come on, Hudson-bot!

Let's be best friends.

- Death is freedom.

You're so metal.

Hey, literally!

We need to talk.

- If it's about the sign you're
- all ignoring, then I agree.

- She has no sense
- of boundaries.

- Can't she just enjoy a game?
- She's comically horny.

- She's a psycho!

She's nothing like me.

She must be destroyed!

- Listen, I don't hear

Glenn complaining.

- I hate Glenn-bot!

Glenn-bot must die!

Then again, maybe hate

is a strong word,

but spending so much time with

myself has made me look inward

and I've come to realize

that...

I suck.

Then again, maybe

this is an opportunity

to become a non-sucky person

who's able to self-actualize,

Epiphany!

Spend more time with Glenn-bot.

- Hey, Marn.
- Have you seen...

Oh, my bot.

- And I said, "Time to become

a non-sucky person

- who's able
- to self-actualize."

So I put down my journal-bot

and came here.

- That is so sweet, Glenn-bot.

And decisive.

- Huh.
- You hear that?

- I don't know what
- you're talking abot.

I mean 'bout.

- Okay, my turn.

- Death.

- No. Song. It's a song.

Okay?

That means three words.

- k*ll me,

- No, three words.

- k*ll me now.

- Oh, my God. So close.

Third word...

Ah, dang!

It was "k*ll Me Nasty" by...

Do you sing?

- Bit pitchy,

but we'll make it work.

- Glenn-bot must die!

- It's one thing to highlight
- my sucky issues,

But now he's overcoming them.

And with zero therapy!

I must destroy him.

- So yeah,
- Darby, how do I destroy him?

- I'm sorry to hear

that, beta Glenn.

- I appreciate the gift.

I really do, but...

I'm sorry,

what did you just call me?

"Gone to snag a bag

that don't sag."

What?

- I called you beta Glenn,

as in you're beta

and I'm alpha.

- Da!

Wah!

- Hey, come on,
- can we talk about this, please?

- I mean, what did
- we ever do to you?

Nothing, except create us

and then punish us for being

exactly like you, Dad!

I mean, betas!

- Uh, we know you wanted

to destroy us.

- Yeah,

and we're exactly like you.

So guess what?

- Let the highly personalized

t*rture sequence begin!

- I'm going to make you

play teeth...

with your teeth!

- No!

I don't have bicuspids!

That puts me at a major

competitive disadvantage!

- As for you, it's time

for your... treatment.

Deep tissue.

- Ahh! The pain!

Why?

Actually, a little lower.

Yeah, right there.

- And you, Mr. "Maybe I Will,

Maybe I Won't,

Maybe I Need

To Shut The Hell Up."

- I'm not torturing you at all.
- Really?

That's what's up.

- 'Cause I have a date

with Marny.

- No!

It's t*rture!

- Well, well, well, well, well,

another party, huh?

- Guess I'm gonna have to
- talk to the mailman

'cause my dang invitations

keep getting lost

in the mail... man.

- What?
- No, Hudson, it's not a party.

What the f*ck is that?

- His name is Hudson-bot.

He may not be "cool"

or "invited,"

but he's the best friend

I ever had.

- You said you'd k*ll me.

And yet, here I am.

- Oh, Hudson-bot,

you're so twisted.

- You're looking at the zoo's

newest musical sensation,

Zero Fox Given!

Show 'em the light show,

bot bro.

Five, six, seven, eight.

- Whoa.

- Oh!

Epiphany.

Hey, uh, careful, Hudson-bot

those lasers might bounce off

our bots and k*ll you.

- k*ll me, you say?

Don't mind if I do.

- Hooray.

- Damn, Glenn.

- That was some
- decisive-a*s thinking,

- Oh, I didn't really
- think at all,

I just... hey, I committed.

I self-actualized.

- You know,
- it's like I always say

- Before I start
- my morning pages,

Glenn, you old boy...

- I'm gonna walk into
- a laser now.

- Look at me.
- Look at me, buddy.

Look at me. Look.

You're gonna be okay, okay?

- We're gonna make you
- whole again, buddy.

Us afterthoughts got to stick

together, remember?

Darby built you once

and he can build you again.

- Sorry about that.

Fell asleep at the wheel

Coming back from the mall.

Had to snag a fresh bag.

Everyone okay?

- I'm so sorry, friend.

I...

- Freedom!

- Ah, I see.

- Bots turned evil and tried
- to k*ll everyone, huh?

- Yeah, out of the blue.

- For, like, no reason.

- Yeah, it was crazy.

- So where's my beanbag?

- Yeah, what the hell?

- Ooh, ooh,
- I want one with lasers.

- Oh, make mine do white noise.

- Extra beans
- for the bean queen.

And make mine vibrate.

- Ooh, can I get
- a jelly bean bag?

Ooh, and give my spikes.

- Ooh, I'm jelly

of your jelly bean bag.

- Make mine the best.