01x01 - 100%

[bunniefuu]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[MUSIC BREAKING INTO STATIC]

SIRI: Continue on I-9 north.

[SLOW TYPING]

[SLOW TYPING CONTINUES]

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

[HIP-HOP CONTINUES]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hi, Jacob, hey.

It's Andrew Braddock!
From college.

JACOB: Andrew?

- I don't know an Andrew, sir.
- Yeah, it's me.

- I think you have the wrong number.
No one in college actually knows

who you are,
because you are so lame,

- and you never chill anymore, man.
- Really? That's odd.

Because I'm literally
chilling as we speak.

You must have me confused
with someone else.

But hey, maybe this will
jog your memory.

You left something
in my duffel last week?

- I left something in your duffel bag?

- Let me give you a hint:
it's bigger than a shoebox

but exactly the same size
as the beer bong

you bought at Coachella.

- Oh, sh*t, it was my wang, wasn't it?

- Dude, you know
how much trouble I could be in

if my mom found that?

- Oh, my God,
I'm sorry, dude, I'm so sorry.

I apologize, but listen,
I need the smartest,

the funniest, the most anti-social
m*therf*cker in Boulder

to roll with me to Brad's tonight,
so you're coming.

- Well, Brad Carnegie's
a douchebag, so...

- He's not even that bad,
and did you even see

the guest list on Facebook, man?

Wait, you know what?
I'm just gonna read it to you.

- Hold please.
- Don't, please don’t.

I already saw it.

- Well, did you notice
anything interesting?

- Um... Ronald Farber's a maybe?

- No, no, no-no,
the ratio, man, it's ridic!

I mean, half the frat guys have
chlamydia still.

The other half are on probation.

I mean, look, look, we got...
We got Sophia Whitlock.

Yes, please! We got...

the f*ck, Dana's coming?

- [BEEPING]
- Why is Dana coming, dude?

- Hey, dude, dude, dude,
my mom's calling me, I gotta go.

- I'll call you back.
- Don't hang up the phone, I'm...

- I'll call you right back.
- ...talking to you, Andrew! No...

- Hi, Mom.
MOM: Andy? Where are you?

- Did you take your father's car?
- Yeah, Mom, I should've told you,

- but I...
- What? Oh, Andrew.

I don't want you on the road tonight.

There are drunk drivers,
it's New Year's Eve.

It's the most dangerous night
of the year, I told you that.

- Yeah, Mom, I... I know, I know.

I... I'll probably just stay
at Dana's tonight.

- You're not coming back tonight?

Andrew, I...
I can't handle this on my own.

My God, you know that.

- But Mom, I'm gonna... I'm...
Listen, I'm gonna be back,

first thing in the morning, okay?
I promise I'll be there by 10:00 a.m.

- I can't hear you! Ugh.
What's going on?

- Mom... Mom, I gotta go,
I'll call you right back.

- I love you. Love you.
- Yeah? What?

- [SIREN WAILS]
- sh*t.

[TURN SIGNAL CLICKING]

sh*t. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. I'm dead.

I'm dead, I'm dead,
I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead,
I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.

Hello, officer.

- License and registration.

- Yes, sir.

[PHONE CHIMES]

- You having a tough time keeping
your eyes on the road there?

- Oh...
- [PHONE CHIMES]

Yes, sir.

- Your license?

- Uh... where's my...

uh, hang on one...
One... one second.

Sorry, sir.

- Does Howard know you're tooling around
in this thing without a license?

- Oh, yes, I mean, no sir,
but my... my mother,

Elaine Braddock, she knows
that I'm tooling around.

- Howard's your father?
- Yes, sir.

Um... if you'll just... sorry.

- Well, if you can't produce
any identification,

I'm gonna have to ask you
to come with me.

Howard can pick up the car
on Thursdays.

- Impound's closed on the holidays.
- Well, no, he... um...

I mean, I understand, sir,
but he... he can't...

- I'm sorry?

- Sir, he passed away
this... this summer.

Officer, I... I had my ID
when I got into the vehicle...

- Mr. Braddock.
- I... I... just one second.

- If I can... wait...
- Mr. Braddock.

- I think I found something, one sec...

- Mr. Braddock.
- Yes, sir?

- I'm letting you off with a warning.

We catch you on the road again
without a license,

ticket's gonna be
the least of your problems.

Do we understand each other?

- Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.

[PHONE CHIMES]

- Oh, and son?

Whatever it is, it can wait.

- Yes, sir.
Thank you so much, sir.

Happy New Year!

- Hey, Siri, remind me...
- [PHONE CHIMES]

...to stop texting and driving.

- [CHIME]
SIRI: All right.

I've added it to Reminders.

[TYPING]

[TEXT SENT CHIME]

[CLICKS OFF PHONE]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[MUSIC BREAKING INTO STATIC]

[DIAL TONE]