01x01 - Ian

[bunniefuu]

("Queen of the Night Aria" by

Mozart)

(opera singing continues)

(lovers breathing heavily)

(opera singing continues)

(lovers breathing heavily)

(opera singing continues)

(lovers breathing heavily)

(opera singing continues)

(lovers breathing heavily)

(opera singing continues)

(lovers breathing heavily)

(opera singing continues)

(lovers breathing heavily)

- Jesus!

- Oh, my God!

(cup clattering)

- Delores!

- What are you doing?

- Oh, my God, Delores.

Get out!

If you're happy and you

know it, clap your hands ♪

Clap, clap ♪

If you're happy and you

know it, clap your hands ♪

Clap, clap ♪

If you're happy and you know

it ♪

Then your face will surely

show it ♪

If you're happy and you

know it, clap your hands ♪

Clap, clap ♪

- So everything's good, Ian?

- Yeah, think so, why?

(plastic wrapping rustling)

- You're not having any

trouble with the kids?

- Um.

(plastic wrapping rustling)

Basil threw a stick at me last

week.

- Oh.

- Branch,

it was actually more of

a branch, but I'm fine.

- I'm, I'm sorry, well,

we'll have a word with him.

- Oh, it's okay, we worked it

out.

- [Julie] It's actually not

okay, honey.

- Look familiar?

- That's my phone.

- Yeah, I've had it since

yesterday.

- That explains why I haven't

been getting any calls.

(Ian laughing)

- Paris took it home with her,

Ian.

- Come to think of it, I

found a rock in my pocket.

- Do you realize that it

doesn't have a password?

- I'm an open book.

- Some of the kids went through

it, Ian

and they saw some very

lewd photographs and

conversations.

It's not super funny, honey.

- Actually, it's disgusting.

"I want your thick c*ck

to pulsate hot seed

down the back of my throat."

- Oh, wow, did I write that?

(laughing)

- "I want you to felch your hot

load

out of my tight, little bussy

and spit it in my greedy face

hole."

- Okay. (laughing)

It's so hot. (laughing)

It's hot.

- My nine-year-old daughter

wants to know what a bussy is,

Ian.

- Oh, it's just what you call a

guy's-

- No!

I don't need you to explain it

to me.

Jesus.

- Listen, we get it, we get it,

okay.

Val, she used to be a swinger.

It's, it's about

protecting the kids, honey.

- Is it my fault that

Paris stole my phone?

- Yes, you are the adult, Ian,

it's your job to watch over

them.

- Oh, believe me, I'm

always watching over them.

If you're happy and you know

it ♪

- No, no, no, no, no.

If you're happy and you

know it, stomp your feet ♪

- Okay, okay, listen.

I just made a mistake,

okay, plain and simple.

If you're happy and you

know it, stomp your feet ♪

Stomp, stomp ♪

If you're happy and you know

it ♪

- Here's the thing, Ian.

Hooray ♪

- How are we going to trust

you to take care of our kids,

when clearly you cannot

take care of yourself?

Then your face will surely

show it ♪

If you're happy and you

know it, shout hooray ♪

- I'm not really good at this.

- Do you want a tissue?

- Do you have one?

Clicked. (laughing)

(phone clattering)

("Queen of the Night Aria" by

Mozart)

- [Ian] That's expensive.

- [Valerie] Just catch it

in your tight, little bussy.

- [Ian] Thank you.

("Queen of the Night Aria" by

Mozart)

(opera singing continues)

(opera singing continues)