[♪ ANDY WILLIAMS: "IT'S THE MOST
WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR"]
♪ It's the most wonderful time ♪
♪ Of the year ♪♪
The angel said to them,
"Do not be afraid;
for behold,
I proclaim to you good news
of great joy,
for today in the City of David,
a savior has been born for you,
who is Messiah and Lord.
And this will be a sign for you.
You will find an infant wrapped
in swaddling clothes
- and lying in a manger..."
- [BELL TOLLING]
Qué hermosa te ves de rojo,
abuelita.
Gracias.
¿Y dónde está tu hermano?
Oh, uh, I saw Jorgito walking
to the chapel to light a candle.
Oh.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- [KEYS CLICKING]
- [PHONE WHOOSHING]
[PHONE CHIMES]
[SCOFFS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
So, how was your nap
this year, papi?
Oh... Glorious.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I knew it was gonna be
lights out
the moment Father Baptista
took the stage for the homily.
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
At least you're well-rested
for tonight.
Ready to feed all my tías,
half of whom I'm definitely
not related to.
[LAUGHS]
Well, this is why
I like cooking.
When you're in the kitchen,
you don't have to
talk to anybody.
So...
I have a top secret mission
for you,
should you choose to accept it.
- Wine.
- Wine.
And I want change.
♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a Merry
Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas...
Okay. Not to be dramatic,
but your father's trying
to k*ll me.
What are you talking about?
The man is an angel.
The man is a pervert.
While I was taking a shower
earlier,
he came in and he tried to...
Well, I can't even say it.
It's the eve of Jesus's birth.
Dang, go, papi! [LAUGHS]
It's more like slip and fall
in the shower
and go, papi, to the hospital.
So you think papi is trying
to k*ll you with shower sex?
Sucia.
Why do I tell you things?
[LAUGHS]
- [SNORTS] Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
[LAUGHING] Papi.
Well, at least one of us
is getting some.
- What does that mean?
- Please.
I know a dry spell
when I see one.
Do I need to buy you a vibrator?
Stop. Take your chips
and get out.
There's a two-for-one
at The Pleasure Palace.
Two for me, one for you,
is all I'm saying.
That's not how
two-for-one works.
- No? Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Beg to differ.
Get...
♪ ♪
Hi there. Can I help you?
Hey, do you have a nice 2010
or 2012 Left Bank Bordeaux?
Ah, a man who knows
what he wants.
Right this way.
Going to a fancy dinner?
Oh, we don't have to talk.
Listen, man, it's not you.
It's just small talk in general.
I think as a society we've
just made it up in our minds
to be polite because we're all
so terrified of silence.
But silence is okay.
Cool. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Silent transaction.
I can do that. [SCOFFS]
Silencio. [CHUCKLES]
- ♪ With joy and laughter ♪
- Yep. [CLEARS THROAT]
♪ Family ♪
♪ Unwrapping all of
those presents ♪
- ♪ Sitting round
the Christmas tree ♪♪
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
Hi, Mom.
Where are you?
I'm grabbing wine for papi,
then picking up Jorge
and his boyfriend.
Ay, I'm so excited.
He's finally introducing us
to one of his boyfriends.
Yeah, it's almost like he feared
the intense scrutiny
of three generations
of family members.
That reminds me.
I told Carmela
about your breakup.
What?
She's gonna tell everybody!
So you don't have to.
That's how everyone found out
I was pregnant with you.
She's a chismosa pain in
the a*s but a real time-saver.
Great. Now my night's gonna be
spent dodging relatives
who want to set me up
with their friend's loser sons.
Well, who needs Bumble
when you have a bunch of Latinos
doing the dirty work for you?
You're 28, baby.
You don't have time to waste.
- [GLADYS] Is that Lily? Okay.
- [BEATRIZ] Mm-hmm.
My hairdresser's son,
Montezuma,
- is a financial advisor.
- Ooh.
- Very single.
- Ooh.
There is a mole,
it is prominent,
but it's probably removable.
- Bye...
- Wait, mija, listen.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- I don't want you to close
yourself off from love.
You never know, love could be
right in front of you,
but if you aren't open,
you won't see it.
Okay, Mom.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
I'll see you soon.
Bye.
♪ Making spirits bright ♪
♪ What fun it is to ride...
Oh, my God.
Please help me.
Hi.
Uh... [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I've been tasked to get wine
for a family function.
What won't cost me a lot
but will get me
the least amount of complaints?
Right this way.
This might sound weird,
but, uh...
are you okay with small talk?
- Oh, my God, please.
- Awesome.
[CHUCKLES]
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Okay, all right.
Here we go.
It's $12 and tastes
like it's a hundred.
This palate can't tell.
My boyfriend...
Sorry, my ex,
he always picked the wine.
I'll take four.
Sorry about the "ex" part.
I can tell it's fresh.
Took me, like, oh, six months,
a botched blond dye job,
and a rebound with
my Trader Joe's cashier
to finally start referring
to my ex as my ex.
[SIGHS]
- Must be extra sucky during
the holidays, though.
- Yeah.
'Cause now I have to go to
a family dinner without a date,
which to a Latino family is like
announcing you're a socialist.
- [LAUGHS]
- Want to be my date?
[SPUTTERS] I don't know
why I just said that.
Unless, like,
you're without plans.
- Why are you still talking?
- [CHUCKLES]
- [LILY CHUCKLES]
- I have plans.
But I'm flattered.
Just that means a lot.
[CHUCKLES]
♪ A sleighing song tonight...
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
♪ Jingle bells ♪
- ♪ Jingle all...
- Yeah.
♪ ♪
Hey, uh...
if you still feel flattered
next week...
call me.
♪ ♪
- Hey, Nick.
- Hey, girl.
Split a coke?
- Yes.
- Yes.
[CAN OPENS]
Hey, so, I heard about
your breakup.
Just want to let you know
if you need anything,
I am super happy to bone you.
[SLIDES GLASS ON COUNTER]
Buddy, if it didn't happen
when you and Jorge were
college roommates,
and it didn't happen
in the ten years following,
I think it's safe to say
it's never gonna happen.
Okay, your not orgasm.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, by the way,
our boy is totally freaking out
about tonight. And not
in a good way like when Dionne
Warwick followed him on Twitter.
- [JORGE] Well, I just sweat
through two shirts.
- There it is.
I mean, it's like
watching Joe Manganiello
- in Magic Mike all over again.
- Relax.
Tonight is gonna be amazing.
[NICK] That's what
I keep saying!
Yeah, whatever,
because I don't care
what people think about me.
- Yes, you do.
- [NICK] Yes, you do.
Okay. Yeah. Sure.
Fine. Yes, I do.
But, God,
I hate that I do,
because I'm so used to walking
into a room and owning it.
But this room is
going to be filled
with judgy-a*s Latinos,
salivating over the fresh meat.
I mean,
I know that everyone is cool
with me being g*y in theory,
but seeing me holding hands
with the guy I love IRL is
a completely different thing.
Wait...
you love him?
Ew. Don't be gross.
But... yeah,
I mean, I think so.
- [LAUGHING]
- [SCREAMING]
Everyone is gonna love Henry.
[SIGHS]
Dad is going to love Henry.
I hope so.
I mean, Mom is just excited
that I'm finally bringing
someone home that I'm dating,
but Dad is so old-school,
you know?
Like, when I came out,
he was so great,
but I felt like
it took him a while
- to get comfortable with it.
- Mm-hmm.
And if tonight doesn't go well,
I just...
I think it could set us back.
Jorgito, he's obsessed
with you.
[SIGHS]
Yeah. You're right. Okay.
Yeah. I'm done with that. Mm.
Let me take all of this in.
Strut for me.
Show me the back, the front.
Sell the garment.
Yes, oh,
the eye shadow, too.
Fantastic choice.
I'm completely obsessed, love.
I mean, looking this good,
love is gonna come knocking
at your door.
[KNOCKING]
You know, I always thought
we had brujería in the family.
Okay, girl, get the door.
And what is this wine?
A twist-off cap, Lil? Really?
- What are you...
- Henry!
- Hey.
- Hey.
This is Lily.
Uh, hi, Lily.
It's nice to meet you.
Henry!
[CHUCKLING]
You are... Henry.
Yeah.
- Reel it in.
- Oh.
[HENRY LAUGHS]
We should go.
[JORGE GROANS]
I'm s... That was way more
dramatic than I intended.
- Sorry.
- Was it?
Lily, I'm nervous,
so leave me alone.
You're nervous? I'm meeting,
like, ten family members
who love you.
Ten family members?
This isn't a doctor's
appointment. Try 30-plus.
We've got Mexicans,
we've got Cubans.
- We've got Dominicans.
- [NICK] Oh, yeah, bro.
You are doomed.
Especially since they thought
for years that I,
the long-term roommate,
was actually
the secret boyfriend.
They were really disappointed
when they found out
I was straight...
But, hey, don't worry.
I'm gonna be there
for you guys, okay?
If there's any weird vibes,
I got a foolproof system.
I just hit them
with some fun facts.
And speaking of fun facts,
actually, Henry,
you need to tell my grandma
that you went to church earlier,
which is why you didn't join
Lily and I at 5:00 mass.
Mm, but you weren't
at 5:00 mass.
- In fact, I was.
Thank you, Lil.
- You're welcome.
Wait, you lie to your grandma
about going to church?
Yeah,
it's just easier that way.
I'm not gonna lie
to your grandma.
[CHUCKLES] Henry, it's really
not that big of a deal, though,
and it would save me
a lot of grief, so please.
Wait, wait,
you're out to your family,
and they're cool with it,
but you lie about going
to church?
- Correct.
- You have to understand,
there is a lot of love
and understanding,
and there has been tremendous
growth over the years.
Tremendous growth.
But God, you don't mess
with God, you know?
I mean, they're okay
that I'm down with the D
- as long as the D is
not the devil.
- Is not the devil.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪ Meet me ♪
We're here.
- ♪ Underneath the mistletoe...
- Hey.
- Oh, it's my favorite sinners.
- Hey.
[SOL LAUGHS]
Hi.
- You weren't at mass.
- Yeah.
Because the Lord is kind of
a d*ck about people like us.
- So...
- No, baby.
People are dicks
about people like us.
The Lord is all good with me.
Okay. Well, Sol.
This is my boyfriend Henry.
Henry, this is my cousin Sol.
Pronouns: they, them.
Okay, you didn't tell me
he was a male model.
Oh, I like them.
[LAUGHTER]
Nice to meet you, Henry.
[WHISPERING] Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Sol, we've been here
for 30 seconds.
- I just...
- Come on.
Don't listen. Don't listen.
It's just a joke.
Henry, nice to meet you!
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Hi, Mom.
Ay, mijo. [LAUGHS]
Ah, so this is your novio.
Sí, papi, this is Henry.
Welcome, Henry.
I hope you're hungry.
I made some carnitas that will
make you see the face of God.
Oh, I'm a vegetarian.
Yeah, and I... I told you that.
- Remember?
- Yeah, but it's not beef.
It's pork.
Um...
Hey, fun fact.
Did you know that Ralph Macchio
is older now
than Pat Morita was in
the original Karate Kid?
No way! That's so crazy.
- That's wild, right?
- [CHUCKLES]
Welcome.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay, go, go, go, go, go.
- Yeah. Drinks?
- Go.
Yes.
Excuse me, excuse me. Hi.
- Talk to me.
- Oh, ooh, okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- Here's the family chisme.
Lisette arrived drunk
and started telling people
- she had an ab*rtion.
- What?
We're trying to keep her
from abuela.
And Tío Arturo brought a woman
who he claims is a friend,
[WHISPERS] but she might be
a sex worker.
So, no one is talking
about my breakup?
You want me to lie?
sh*t.
Ay, ¡pobrecita!
To be dumped at your age,
I cannot imagine
since I was married at 21.
I'm so sorry about Michael,
but here's the good news:
men that handsome cheat.
If you ask me, he was never
good enough for you.
So, let me introduce you to...
...someone well-educated.
Handsome. Funny.
He's a coworker. 401[K].
Kids all grown
and out of the house.
How old is he, tía?
Sixty-two.
To think,
you would be a grandmother
without ever having to ruin
your body.
Loves Civil w*r reenactments,
so he won't even be around
that much.
Now this man will never cheat.
Tía, Alejandro's your son.
My cousin.
In Spain,
they did it all the time.
Girl, don't let these viejitas
make you feel
like you need someone
to be happy.
I'm 42 and single,
and I don't need no man.
I'm in two wine clubs and
a book club where we don't read,
- [CORK POPS]
- we just drink wine and... Oh,
my God, they opened more wine.
[FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING
IN DISTANCE]
Blocked? What the hell?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh, sorry, I need to change
for work.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
Come in, come in.
Are you trying
to Insta-stalk Michael?
Of course! But he blocked me.
- Girl, like anyone cares
about his fitness journey.
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
I can't really blame him.
Well, I can.
Look at you.
What the hell else does he want,
dumping you right
before Christmas?
[SCOFFS]
So...
I'm about to tell you something
that I haven't told anyone.
Michael didn't exactly dump me.
Then what exactly did he do?
Cried while I dumped him.
- You dumped him?!
- [SHUSHING]
Would you keep it down?
They can't know.
They would never understand
why a 28-year-old would dump
a beautiful lawyer man
who owns his house outright.
Wait, he has no mortgage?
Okay, now you need to
explain yourself,
'cause I don't understand,
either.
Something always felt off.
And I kept waiting
for that to change,
but it never did,
so I ended it.
You know, we're all told that
love is supposed to feel
a certain way,
but what even is that feeling?
I mean, I think I know
what it is.
But what if I'm one of
those color-blind people
who think it's pink,
but pink is actually yellow.
- Is pink really yellow?!
- Okay, baby, take a breath.
I mean, maybe I was in love.
What the hell do I know?
And now I've got all the tías
presenting every bachelor
in the Portland metropolitan
area, and they all suck.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
I had the perfect man,
and I let him go.
Then what do you want to do?
I want him back.
Then go get that man
with no mortgage.
Yes. Yes!
I'm gonna go find him,
and I'm gonna do
a big romantic gesture.
I mean, it's Christmas!
Christmas!
Who doesn't want to get back
together on Christmas?
[QUIET CHATTER]
♪ And makes His nations prove ♪
♪ The glories of...
Damn, we're good. Huh?
- Yes, we are.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, I forgot the flan.
♪ ♪
[SIGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hey. Merry Christmas.
Empanada?
Oh. Thank you.
These are sweet,
those are savory.
I like sweet.
Me, too.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
- ♪ Oh what fun...
- What's in your hand?
- Nada.
- Doctor said no fried food.
The doctor is joyless.
Damelo.
Now, that is just wasteful.
I can't believe
I have to be your mother
as well as your wife.
My mother,
que en paz descanse,
let me eat taquitos.
Okay, fine.
Die, then.
♪ O'er the fields we go...
God, I love that woman.
♪ ♪
[MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
[SOL] Wow.
It's full-on Christmas in here.
She loves Nochebueana.
[SOL] Hey, you. How you doing?
Been better.
♪ ♪
For you.
For taking
such good care of her.
Of us.
Por favor.
And it's a legit wine, so...
save it for something good.
- [CHUCKLING]
- You know, maybe pair it
with a filet mignon.
Not the McDonald's fish filet.
It's Filet-o-Fish, and
this wine should be so lucky.
Thank you.
Is there anything I can do?
Anything you need?
No, but...
we just need a little bit longer
if that's possible.
Take all the time you need.
I'll be right out here.
[JORGE] So, my parents took
over the restaurant
from my grandparents
about 20 years ago.
And I've been trying to get
into the food truck game,
but, apparently,
my dad hates brilliance.
Ay, this again,
with the food truck.
I mean, who isn't dying
to eat fish tacos
served out of an old Nissan.
[CHUCKLES] I said I would
think about it.
So, Henry,
how does it feel to meet 97.9%
of all the Latinos in Oregon?
Were you nervous?
Oh, extremely.
I-I come from a big
Filipino family,
so I've seen first-hand
what happens to newbies.
Uh, you guys are actually
really gentle.
Uh, except for Tía Carmela.
- That hug was intense.
What, does she lift?
- Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
Jorgito, he's so funny!
- I know. Right?
- Aw, thanks.
I-I'd like to think
I'm pretty good with parents.
In fact, I still talk with
my ex-girlfriend's dad a lot.
Oh, um, did you just come out?
Wait, I'm sorry,
is that okay to ask?
- Uh, no...
- Oh, uh, it's fine.
Uh, I came out in high school.
I'm bisexual.
- Oh...
- Uh...
- ♪ Nothing like true love...
- Hey.
Did you know that
Cleopatra was born
closer to the moon landing
than the building
of the Great Pyramid?
Nick, that is so interesting.
Well, I tried.
Back to bisexuality.
Um, may I ask questions?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Oigan, everybody,
vengan, vengan.
Come, come, come, come,
come, come. Oigan.
Vengan, vengan.
Is everybody here? Okay.
Jorgito's boyfriend is
a bisexual,
and he's letting us
ask questions.
Okay, my first question is:
I always thought that
bisexual men were really g*y men
but didn't want to admit it.
Oh, wow. Going right for it.
'Kay. No, th-that is not true.
[MARTA] Okay.
So, you just look at the world
and say, "Yes."
[LAUGHTER]
[HENRY] Well, no, no.
Th-There is this perception
that bisexuals are
attracted to everyone and are,
- like, always down to clown.
- [CHUCKLES]
Clowns are bisexual?
That makes sense.
Okay, no, but I-I see
the mental leap there.
[CHUCKLES] I-I just meant
promiscuous.
- Hmm.
- Uh, but it's not
a free-for-all.
You know, I-I, for one,
am super picky
and like to date
one person at a time.
That person can be someone
of any gender, though.
It's like this.
What is your favorite type of
Christmas music, Doña Marta?
Oh, that's hard.
Um, to me, it's not Christmas
if Gloria Estefan is
not playing.
But I also like Sinatra.
What if you had to pick one?
Why can't I listen to both?
Exactly.
Now, I love Frank,
but I also really like Gloria.
You know,
sometimes I expand my palate,
uh, but that's a...
that's a lesson
for another day.
- [LAUGHTER]
- I get it.
I love fish tacos,
but I like chorizo
con huevos, too.
I'm like a food bisexual.
- Sure, yeah.
Let's go with that.
- [LAUGHTER]
Okay. That was fun, huh?
But you do go to church,
though, right?
I...
I sure do.
- Yes, he does.
- Pues, que lindo.
You are a good boy.
Let's eat! Come on. Everybody.
Vengan. Okay.
[MARTA SIGHS]
Thank you.
[HENRY AND JORGE LAUGHING]
Those were so good,
I'm back for seconds.
Uh, it's supposed to be one
per person.
I guess you're special.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, uh... well, thank you.
So, um...
So, listen, I was thinking,
as much as I've liked
flirting with you
over charts and baked goods
the last few months,
maybe it'd be better
over dinner?
Oh.
Oh?
No. I...
I thought there was a vibe.
There is a vibe.
It's just...
Are you Catholic?
Not anymore.
Why, is that a prerequisite?
Kind of.
Oh.
Wow. Really? Okay.
Um... [CHUCKLES]
Well, listen, I...
I totally respect that.
I hope I haven't
made things weird.
A doctor asking out a resident.
That is no bueno.
And then I spoke bad Spanish.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna walk away now.
It's fine.
We're fine.
And we can still flirt
over charts and baked goods.
Well, I'll take what I can get.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND]
♪ ♪
- [DOOR LOCK CLICKS]
- [DOOR OPENS]
Lily.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
♪ Merry Christmas, Michael ♪♪
Surprise!
[WHISPERS] I want you back.
[LAUGHTER]
What are you doing here?
I'm being cute
and serenading you
to win you back on Christmas.
So...
what do you think?
Oh, hon, um...
[CLEARS THROAT]
No.
No?
What do you mean "no"?
I mean, you were right
to end it.
You did us both a favor
by breaking up with me.
We were never a...
a "can't live without you"
kind of couple.
We were always the...
the "looks great on Instagram
and likes each other
a whole bunch" kind of couple.
And now I know what I want,
and...
[TAKES DEEP BREATH]
...well, it-it... it isn't this.
Look, Lil, I think that
you're a gorgeous girl
and you're...
you're a great person.
You're just not my person.
And I'm not yours.
I'm sorry.
But I do know that
your "can't live
without you" love
is out there.
And I really hope you find him.
Merry Christmas, Lil.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, you.
Hey.
I just wanted to take a minute.
I'm so sorry, Santiago.
Thanks.
It's weird.
I've said bye to her
so many times already.
And yet this is the last time.
Glad I got to know your mom
a bit, though.
She really had your papi wrapped
around her finger, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, she did.
You know, they separated
when I was nine.
It crushed me.
Then, one day...
...they just decided
to be together again.
No idea why.
And even though
I was 25 at the time,
it made me so happy.
Then she got sick.
We waste a lot of time
in this life, don't we?
Can I ask you
a personal question?
Okay.
So, I've been coming
to this hospital
for like five months now.
And you and Dr. Murphy...
- [CHUCKLES] Whoa.
- What's... what's going on
with that?
You playing matchmaker now?
I'm just saying,
the man is a plastic surgeon,
and he spends all his time
in Oncology.
I don't think he's there
for the good cheer.
I mean, clearly
he's been working up
the courage to ask you out,
but you said no. Why?
And please don't give me
the whole Catholic thing,
'cause I'm not gonna buy it.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Honestly?
Because flirting is harmless
and fun and safe.
The moment it becomes
anything more...
I'm not gonna tell you
how to live your life,
but that doctor's a good man.
And you're a good person.
And you clearly both
like each other.
We don't know
how much time we got.
Don't we deserve...
I don't know,
a little love and happiness,
joy while we're here?
♪ ♪
Don't bother hiding
the cigarette.
I won't tell Mom.
Last one of the year, I swear.
Okay.
I'm sorry about that whole
awkward bisexual conversation.
I know that it hasn't been the
easiest introduction to Henry.
[CHUCKLES] Are you kidding?
That man is fearless.
He went into the den
of old-school Catholic Latinos
and explained bisexuality.
He deserves a medal.
- Oh. Yeah.
- [LAUGHING]
Yeah. Uh...
I-I'm glad,
'cause I-I just, uh...
I really wanted him to make
a good impression, you know?
Um...
- Jorgito, what's going on?
- No, I just, uh...
I just really want you
to like him, Dad.
I love who you love.
I just want you to be happy.
I am.
I am happy. I-I-I just...
You know, I was looking
for you all night,
and-and you just seemed
kind of distant.
I was just thinking about
how all of a sudden
you're this grown man
in a healthy relationship,
and I had nothing to do
with any of it.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- No, I...
I'm sorry if I failed you.
I couldn't help you
with all the g*y love stuff.
- I didn't know how.
- [CHUCKLES]
Where do you think
that I learned
how to be a good partner?
It was from watching you, and...
it's been so amazing working at
the restaurant with you and Mom
because I see
what an incredible team you are.
And, you know, I, uh...
I want that.
I want to be like you
when I grow up.
I love you.
Very much.
You know that, right?
- Yeah. I love you, too.
- Yeah?
[CHUCKLES]
[SOBBING QUIETLY]
But do you love me
more than Lil?
[LAUGHTER]
sh*t.
Can I have a drag of that,
please?
No, no, no, no, no.
This sh*t'll k*ll you.
No, do you know
what will k*ll me?
You saying "g*y love stuff"
again.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What-what d...
What do you want me to say,
uh, "butt stuff"?
Dad. Dad!
- Well, help me.
- I can't unhear that.
[ALL] Lisette! Lisette!
Lisette! Lisette!
Lisette! Lisette!
- [CHUCKLES]
- ♪ Joy to the world ♪
- ♪ The Lord has come...
- Hey, there you are.
I've been looking for you.
I have to tell you something.
- I have to tell you something,
too, but you go.
- Okay.
Um, so you were right.
Dad loves Henry.
Everyone loves Henry.
I mean, tonight could not have
gone better.
I-I don't know what I was
so worried about, either,
because, I mean, look at
these people; they're a mess.
Dad is smoking,
Gladys is drunk
and keeps showing Nick
her thong. Hmm?
I mean, they're just a bunch
of beautiful freaks.
Of course they were
gonna love him.
I mean, it was a perfect night.
I'm just so, so relieved.
What was your thing?
♪ Joy to the world...
I had three pieces of flan.
Oh, baby, I had four.
- Really?
- Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm so happy for you.
[DOOR OPENS]
[SNICKERING]
[CHUCKLES]
- Did they just...
- Yeah.
Yeah, they did.
Bunch of beautiful freaks.
[CHUCKLES]
[MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY]
♪ ♪
[FLATLINING]
[SNIFFLES]
[LAZ SOBBING QUIETLY]
Hey, preciosa.
Ready for the talent show?
I, um...
I think I might sit
this year out.
I'm not feeling so cute today.
I'll have you know
there was a time
when your mami was
a real piece.
You mean like now?
You know you're
ridiculously hot, right?
Thank you, mija.
- I guess I'm just feeling
a little... eh, you know?
I got the perfect thing.
When I feel blue, I go red.
This month's fave: Luchadora.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Damn.
I guess we are fighters, huh?
We really are.
Thank you, mija.
[BEATRIZ SIGHS DEEPLY]
Thank you.
Listen up, everybody!
It's time for the talent show.
- There's a talent show?
- Yeah.
Did I intentionally not tell you
about that?
Oh, uh, wow.
- So, you guys don't
mess around.
- I know.
Lil and I have been rehearsing
for weeks.
I need Lily Diaz
to the dance floor.
Immediately, please.
Henry. I hear you're bisexual.
Tía, I'm standing right here.
I can hear you.
- Uh, I'm being friendly.
- No. She's relentless.
[♪ "HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO"]
♪ Where have
all the good men gone? ♪
♪ And where are all the gods? ♪
There is one.
♪ Where's the streetwise
Hercules ♪
♪ To fight the rising odds? ♪
[BOTH] ♪ I've got
all my life to live ♪
♪ And I've got
all my love to give ♪
♪ And I'll survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
Doña Marta!
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
[♪ "A WHOLE NEW WORLD"]
♪ ♪
♪ A whole new world ♪
♪ Don't you dare close
your eyes ♪
♪ A hundred thousand things
to see ♪
♪ Hold your breath,
it gets better ♪
[BOTH] ♪ I'm like
a sh**ting star ♪
♪ I've come so far ♪
♪ I can't go back to where ♪
- ♪ I used to be ♪
- ♪ A whole new world ♪
♪ Every world, a surprise ♪♪
- Mm. I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Here. Food for you.
- Oh, yes.
- [PRAYING QUIETLY]
- [LAUGHTER]
[HENRY] Thank you, Mrs. Diaz.
- Love you.
- Love you.
[LUIS] Really happy for you.
[CHUCKLING] Come here.
[MARTA] I really like him.
- Yeah? Good.
- Yes.
Oh, Mr. Delgado,
it was such a pleasure...
Really great meeting you.
- [HENRY] Thank you.
- [MARTA] Merry Christmas.
Come back to see us.
- I would love to, Doña Marta.
- Thank you.
Oh, hey, it's freezing outside.
- Oh. Thanks.
- You need to...
- Thanks, babe.
- [CHUCKLES] You ready?
- Yeah.
- All right.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
♪ ♪
[INAUDIBLE CHATTER]
Really?
Yeah.
Really.
I will call you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
♪ ♪
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- [LAUGHTER]
[CAROLERS] ♪ O come,
all ye faithful ♪
- ♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
- Like, honestly, like...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. [SHUSHING]
- ♪ O come ye, O come ye ♪
- I feel like we should show
them how it's done.
- ♪ To Bethlehem...
- [JORGE CHUCKLES]
[ALL] ♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad,
prospero año y felicidad ♪
[JORGE SINGS MELODY]
[ALL] ♪ I wanna wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪
♪ I wanna wish ♪♪
[SIGHS]
That song's hard to hear
right now.
I know.
But your mama would be
heartbroken
if she knew
this was making you sad.
That woman lived
to make you smile.
[CHUCKLES]
We're gonna be okay.
We got to be, for her.
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad, prospero año
y felicidad ♪
[BEATRIZ SIGHS]
[JORGE SR. GROANS]
My back's been bugging me.
I'm gonna go sleep on my chair.
Good night, mi amor.
Good night.
Oh, Bea.
Hmm?
I have been wanting
to tell you something.
Yeah?
Did you know that
a group of flamingos
is called a flamboyance?
[LAUGHS]
- Unbelievable.
- [SIGHS]
Oh, that Nick.
He really does know
his fun facts.
Yeah.
Flamboyance!
♪ ♪
So fun.
[SIGHS]
Okay, I'll grab you sheets
- so you can sleep it off
on the couch.
- Thanks.
All right, night, guys.
- Oh, have a good night, man.
- Night.
[HENRY SIGHS]
[GROANS]
[LILY SIGHS]
- [SIGHS]
- You did really good tonight.
Thanks.
Hey, why didn't you tell Jorge
we met earlier?
I don't know.
I felt guilty, I guess.
And honestly, I flirt
with costumers all the time.
Better tips.
And then you came back
with your number,
and it was so sad.
- Okay, I get it.
- No, no, I...
I didn't mean it like...
No, you're not wrong.
You're not wrong.
So, we're cool?
Because I really like
your brother.
We're cool.
- [LILY SIGHS]
- [JORGE] Okay.
Here you go.
Mm. Mm. Love you.
- Good night.
- Mwah.
And you, young man,
are coming with me.
Yes, sir.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[JORGE] Good night.
Merry Christmas!
[DOOR CLOSES]
♪ ♪
[DOOR OPENS]
So, you just enter your bedroom
and clothes come off?
Yeah, pretty much.
You try being this jacked and
wearing a shirt all the time.
You, uh...
You okay?
Can I ask you a favor?
Yeah, of course.
Will you hold me while I cry
and not make it weird?
- What?
- See, tonight was...
a big deal for my parents.
And I didn't want to unload
on them,
because then they'd be worried
about me.
And I didn't want to unload
on Jorge
because it was a huge night
for him.
So I just decided to put on
my brave Lily face
and get through the night.
But now the night's over,
and I feel like garbage.
So, as my friend,
will you hold me while I cry
and not make it weird?
Reel it in.
[SOBBING]
[SNIFFLES]
Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES]
I feel so much better.
Thank you.
Good night.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.
I got to... I got to ask
a follow-up.
What's going on with you?
[SIGHS]
Just an existential crisis
where I realize
I've never been in love.
Oh, sh*t.
Yeah.
- It's a real kick in the tit.
- [CHUCKLES]
'Cause I've seen it around me
my whole life.
I know what it looks like.
It's swatting a taquito
out of someone's hand
because they have
high cholesterol.
It's cooking for 45 relatives,
most of whom you don't like.
It's listening to music you hate
because you like watching
that person dance.
It's all the little things
that make up one big feeling.
An "I can't live without you"
kind of love.
I want it.
I want to give it.
I want to get it.
And I want it now.
f*ck, I want to kiss you
right now.
Do it.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[NICK MOANING SOFTLY]
Mm. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
- Oh, yeah.
- Just to be clear,
you know I don't want all that
love stuff with you, right?
- Yeah, totally, totally. Cool.
- Okay.
[BOTH MOANING]
[♪ HALEY REINHART: "SANTA BABY"]
♪ ♪
♪ Santa baby ♪
♪ Slip a sable
under the tree for me ♪
♪ I've been an awful good girl ♪
♪ Santa baby, and hurry
down the chimney tonight ♪
♪ Mm ♪
♪ Santa baby,
a '54 convertible, too ♪
♪ Light blue ♪
♪ I'll wait up for you, dear ♪
♪ Santa baby, so hurry
down the chimney tonight ♪
♪ Yeah, think of
all the fun I've missed ♪
♪ Think of all the fellas
that I haven't kissed ♪
♪ Next year,
I could be just as good ♪
♪ If you check off
my Christmas list ♪
♪ Santa baby, I want a yacht ♪
♪ And really,
that's not a lot ♪
♪ Been an angel all year ♪
♪ Santa baby, so hurry
down the chimney tonight ♪
♪ Ah, Santa honey ♪
♪ One thing I really do need ♪
♪ The deed to a platinum mine ♪
♪ Santa baby, so hurry
down the chimney tonight ♪
♪ Mmm, Santa cutie ♪
♪ And fill my stocking
with a duplex and checks ♪
♪ Sign your "X" on the line ♪
♪ Santa cutie, then hurry
down the chimney tonight ♪
♪ Ooh-wee ♪
♪ Come and trim
my Christmas tree ♪
♪ With some decorations
bought at Tiffany ♪
♪ I really do believe in you ♪
♪ And let's see
if you believe in me ♪
♪ Ooh, Santa baby,
forgot to mention one...
[KIDS] GloNation! Yay!
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