02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

How's it going with Charlotte?

Yeah, really well, I think.

We're kind of in that stage

in our relationship

where I've finally stopped getting

the runs every time we speak, so

And have you, you know,

stormed her castle?

Oh, well, you know.

A gentleman never tells.

Wait, she's a guy?

Boardroom now.

(BEEPING AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)

OK, I'll cut to the chase.

As of 20 minutes ago, Mary's cover

as a triple agent has been blown.

Oh, no!

How many times?

Do we know if the Russians

managed to rebuild Eternal Blue?

Yes, but with the false information

provided by Mary,

it started destroying itself.

Surely that's a good thing.

CHRISTINE: Not quite.

Now they're demanding we give up

the original creator of the weapon

or they'll k*ll Mary's mum.

But that's me!

Exactly.

That's Mum!

Shh. Hold on.

Are you saying

that you're prepared to sell me out

just to keep

some random old lady alive?

She still does hot Zumba

every Wednesday.

Oh, does she?

Please don't take it personally.

I'd do the same for anyone.

But, Chrissy, do you

really want to toss me off like this?

CHRISTINE: It's not up to you

and it's not up to me.

This comes directly from the top

and sometimes

sacrifices have to be made.

When it comes to a choice

between risking a civilian life

versus an agent's life,

we have to

Consider the age

of the civilian, surely.

You you can't just

throw me under a bus like this.

No-one is suggesting

we throw you under a bus,

more that there might be a bus

heading your way.

Well, fine.

Then what's stopping me

from, you know, jumping on that bus

and, I don't know, eloping with Tuva?

Me?

Fine. Then I'll elope alone.

Does that still count as elope?

No.

You know what? This is bullshit.

Do I not even get a choice?

Of course you get a choice.

On the one hand, you can capitulate,

or you can run away from all this,

putting a civilian life

in imminent danger

while simultaneously

ending your career

and giving me no better reason than

to go public with the NSA scandal

for good measure.

(SIGHS)

Either way,

let's keep this on the low down.

The fewer people that

know about all this, the better.

Know about what?

Nothing!

Oh, my God. Are you guys organising

a surprise birthday party for me?

No, of course not.

Oh, God.

Way to go, Mary.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(SIGHS) Oh. Jerry,

I just wanted to check you were OK.

(MOANS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, dear.

(SIGHS)

Do you want me to get the blinds?

(MUMBLES)

You don't know?

I mean, I can go and get you

something to eat.

Is there anything

I don't know.

We can get married again

if you like.

No!

No. OK.

Oh, I just wanted to see how

you must be feeling awful.

I just keep thinking about everything

they're doing to that poor old woman.

Yeah.

God, I wish she was dead.

You know?

And then I may be next.

Yeah. Well, yeah.

I'm just trying to focus

on the positives.

Well, you have to, really,

don't you?

Just wonder what they are.

I don't know.

Maybe, you know,

pick up a bit of Russian.

(PHONE ALERT CHIRPS)

Yeah. Yeah.

Everything OK?

Yes.

Oh, good.

I don't know.

Just part of me just thinks

none of this would have,

you know, even happened

if I'd have done

what you asked in the first place

and just got the location data

off of Charlotte,

do you know what I mean?

No, buddy, you can't you can't

blame yourself for any of that.

Thanks, man.

Although now that you've said it

out loud, I I totally agree.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

I mean, listen, if anyone's gonna

get through all this, it's you.

Yeah. Cool.

Least you'll go down in history

a hero.

Yay!

Yeah?

See, between us, I'm just

..I'm really not keen

on the whole 'being tortured' thing.

Presumably, you've got

quite a high pain threshold.

Oh, no, I do.

'Cause you were shot, weren't you?

No.

Yeah. You were. You showed me.

It was one of the first things

you showed me, your b*llet

Oh, yeah. No, right.

Yeah.

Sorry, that. Yeah. No.

Sometimes I forget how shot I was.

Mmm.

Well, there you go. I can't imagine

it's much worse than that.

Listen, Jerry, would it help if we

just did a little bit of practice?

Like, t*rture practice?

Yeah. Ju

I mean, just so you're prepared.

Even even if we start

with something really basic.

Yeah. If we start out

with something, like, super-small.

Completely.

Morning.

What the f*ck?!

Jerry, don't worry about it.

Think of it as a dress rehearsal.

It's gonna be OK. So, um, Quentin.

Just out of interest,

if you were to get an electric shock

from one of these,

how m how much would it hurt?

Um it would depend on

(BUZZING)

..how wet your body was.

OK. That's good.

And have you ever had

an electric shock from one of these?

Yes, but I'm always wet.

Alright. OK.

That'll be all. Thanks, Quentin.

Want me to?

Yes, please.

Yep.

OK.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Don't worry. I'm sure you'll be able

to handle it. OK? It's just

OK, so I think the key thing here

is that we have a safe word

Yes.

..so that you know when to stop.

What about 'coconut'?

No, uh, I think it has to be a word

that I don't usually use.

'Please'?

What are you what are you doing?!

Just wait for me.

(SIGHS)

Should we do my thumbs?

Yeah, or your n*pples.

We'll do my thumbs. OK.

Now, wait for me.

I'm waiting, Jerry.

OK.

Go for it.

You know what?

You want me to do your n*pples.

No, I think we should

build up to this by maybe

..uh, how do you feel about

slapping me around a bit?

With the battery?

No. What?! No.

I mean you know, even better.

I think we should start with you.

No. No.

Yeah. Yeah.

No.

Yes!

Because I need to see

how much it hurts first.

Well, I'm guessing

somewhere between, like, a

..a bee sting or a shark attack?

If you I s OK, you know what?

I think we're just

gonna have to find another way.

I'm so sorry.

(SCREAMS)

Why did you? What was that sound?

I don't know.

That was super-scary.

Oh, my God. No! Oh! Did I get you?

No.

OK.

What are you doing? Stop!

Well, you have to say 'coconut'.

No! Coconut, m*therf*cker! Coconut!

Coconut!

Shall I come back later?

Yeah, OK.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Yeah, we got to find a better plan.

Oh, God, yeah.

Do you think we should

talk to Mary about it?

Damn straight.

This is her f*ck' fault!

Wanted to see me?

Mary. Yes. Hi.

Come please, sit down.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh, are you OK? Oh.

Gosh.

I'll have that chair removed.

Don't think

I've ever been in here on my own.

(LAUGHS)

No. There's a reason for that.

What do you mean?

Doesn't matter.

Um I love your your tops.

Oh!

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

So I just wanted

to check in with you.

Oh, my God! This must be so hard.

Being in here?

No, I mean having to choose

between your mom and me.

God - I mean, if it were me,

I would just be feeling so

..guilty

and personally responsible right now.

I'm just trying

not to think about it.

Yeah, no, that's

that's probably for the best.

I mean, the things they're doing

to your mom right now are just

..unimaginable.

Gosh.

JERRY: Oh. Uh, don't don't look.

Uh, Christine's watching us.

No, don't wave.

Uh, pretend to be upset.

(SOBS)

OK.

So nope, she's back.

(SOBS)

Oh, Mary. No, it it

Yeah, she's gone.

Yeah.

Anyway, all this got me thinking.

As useful as it is to GCHQ

for me to trade places with her,

I mean, wouldn't it be easier on you

if we just took her

out of the equation altogether?

You want me to sh**t her?

Well, no - I mean, I just

..I just meant extract her.

But, I mean I mean,

that's that's up to you.

See, if we could

just take away their leverage

and at the same time avoid putting me

in any kind of physical jeopardy,

I mean,

surely that's a win-win, right?

For me?

Yes!

For me for you for yes.

For all for all of us.

Mary.

Do you really want to be responsible

for keeping her there

longer than necessary?

Guess I was just enjoying

being at home

without getting bitten all the time.

Now we just need to find out

where she is.

Oh.

I know exactly where she is.

I don't understand. How long

have you known where she is?

About a week now. I managed

to hack into GCHQ Bude's server.

Does Chris know?

Yes.

We used a written matrix

and 12 coaxial trace algorithms.

Yeah, no,

that's what I would have done.

So is she in Russia?

No.

The food was giving her

a bubbly tummy,

so they moved her

somewhere more local.

But the main thing is

..but the main thing

is that we're all in agreement,

we're getting her back.

Right? She's not that far.

But what do we tell Chris?

Can't you just say that

they found your mom too annoying

and and just gave her back?

I mean, she is quite annoying.

No. They'd just chop her head off.

Really?

Yeah. That's what I'd do.

Look, we can figure out what exactly

we tell Chris after we get her back.

Right now, I just need to know,

are you in?

OTHERS: Yes!

Jerry.

What's going on?

Uh, nothing. It's a surprise.

Is it something to do

with my birthday again?

Yes.

Yep.

MARY AND JOSEPH: Yes.

Yeah.

Actually, we're just trying

to choose a present.

Oh, my God! Guys!

Thank you. (LAUGHS)

Maybe we should get her a cake

or something.

No, f*ck that.

How do you want

to secretly extract her?

Two words - brute force.

EVELYN: Is it a car?

Right. Hello.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, what if someone sees you?

Well, it's fine.

I'm wearing camouflage paint.

But that won't work in here, and

..and with your colouring,

you can barely see it.

Do you think

I should have gone darker?

They wouldn't let me

try any more on in the shop.

They said it was disrespectful.

MARY: Morning!

Shh. Shh.

Yeah.

So where exactly

are they holding her, then?

Uh, not far. Brize Norton.

Oh, where

Crocodiles of the World is.

You guys have crocodiles over here?

They do in Brize Norton, yeah.

What time are we going in?

Immediately.

I want to be in and out

before Chris arrives.

Well, bagsy not driving.

I don't have a licence.

Well, I can't I can't drive.

You guys know we're not

actually going in ourselves, right?

Oh. How, then?

I got us a combat drone.

Alright, seriously, no-one

puts troops on the ground anymore.

It's just not very woke.

So where did you get a combat drone

at such short notice?

Uh, I borrowed it from a

buddy of mine. Don't worry about it.

He, uh he owed me a favour.

Why? What did you do?

I sang at his son's bar mitzvah.

It doesn't matter.

So he lent you a drone?

Yeah. Yeah.

We've always had

that kind of relationship.

Can I meet him?

No, he's, um he's agoraphobic.

Was that tricky at his bar mitzvah?

Uh, no.

It was it was just the two of us.

What, there wasn't even a rabbi?

No, uh, he's

he's actually a rabbi as well.

He was a rabbi at 13?

OK, fine.

I, uh

I helped him k*ll Osama bin Laden.

Happy?

Cool.

OK?

Joseph, you're on pitch and roll. OK?

Right.

You know what they are, right?

Pitch and roll, yeah.

Uh, as in the, um, hokey-cokey.

OK, Mary, I need you on speed.

Gosh! Really?

Yeah.

Alright, Tuva, you're next to me.

(WHIRRING)

Now, Tuva and I will navigate. OK?

And we're all going to Hey, guys!

We're gonna work in sync.

OK? But, basically, just

just do what I say. OK?

So, where is it now?

It's just behind my hotel,

hidden next to the crematorium.

JOSEPH: And is it big?

It is.

I think it could cremate

up to 100 people at a time.

(WHIRRING)

It's not doing anything.

Yeah, we're not in the area.

Can you please stop doing that?

Yep, yep.

OK.

Now, I'm gonna take north-south.

Are you happy doing east-west?

'Cause I just thought that

would come more naturally to you.

Why?

I don't know.

You just

you just have that look about you.

Uh, Mary

um, do you want to take us up now?

Slowly, pull back on the stick.

(BUZZING)

JERRY: Nice.

There you go.

That's a thing of beauty.

Is that your hotel?

No, that's the crematorium.

Oh, it looks nice.

Right?

OK, Tuva.

Now, two degrees to the east.

And, Joseph, slowly

Yep.

..bank right.

OK. Mm-hm.

JERRY: Alright.

Now, I want you

to pitch forward, Joseph.

Slowly pitch forward.

(WHIRRING)

Let's get some speed up, Mary.

JOSEPH: What kind of speed

should we be aiming for?

Flying a drone

is a bit like having sex.

You don't want to start off too fast

or you'll have nowhere to go.

I'm a bit like that.

You just want to keep going

at a steady pace. Find your rhythm.

No sudden movements or

Or the whole thing

will end in tears.

Or the whole thing will end in

Come on. It wasn't that bad.

(ELECTRONIC BEEP)

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

We gotta be

getting close here, but

Oh, Jesus. f*ck!

Sorry. I think it's nerves.

No, Chris just walked up.

Look. OK, Mary, you're

gonna have to form a distraction.

(STAMMERS)

What do you want me to do?

I-I I don't know. Go! Go improvise.

Uh, Tuva, go with her.

(BUZZING)

OK. Now, don't let go.

Let go?

No, DON'T let go.

Which one?

Both. What are you?

Both of them. What are you doing?

Jerry. Jerry! Jerry!

Don't talk to me.

I know what I'M doing.

Morning, Chris. You're in early.

What's going on? Why are you here?

Oh!

I'm just doing some, um,

last-minute choir practice.

They keep making me re-audition.

Dressed like that?

Yes. The sticks help me

reach the high notes.

And, Tuva?

Vocal coach.

It's five in the morning.

Yeah, she's really bad.

Yes, I am.

Oh. You

you want to hear something?

Oh. Right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um

They tried to make me go to rehab

But I won't go, go, go ♪

(BUZZING)

JERRY: This has gotta be it.

Oh. Hey, hey, hey.

Hang on. I think we have company.

Oh! Good grief.

What have they done to her?

What? That's that's not her.

Right.

Sorry, can they can they see

can they see us?

No. It's like Call of Duty. OK, look.

There's a speaker on the drone.

Are you gonna sing something?

No. I don't want them connecting me

to any of this, OK?

You're gonna do it.

Well, what would you like me to say?

Hopefully nothing, OK?

Hopefully nothing. ♪

Plea please.

(TYPES) All I have to do now is

OK. We're live.

Hello.

No. You have to hold down this button

to speak. OK?

(ECHOES) Hello.

What are you?

Just why?

Why would you say "Hello"?

That's too friendly.

f*ck you.

Will you

I didn't know what else to say.

OK. Can you just

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just say you know who they are

and you know what they're doing.

You know who they are,

and you know what they're

JERRY: Stop. Stop.

Stop.

What are you? Stop.

OK. Here now they're really coming.

JOSEPH: Oh.

JERRY: OK. OK. It's on.

Alright. We'll do it line by line.

Tell them this is GCHQ and this is

their last chance.

This is GCHQ

and this is their last chance.

JERRY: YOUR!

JOSEPH: Your. Your.

What's wrong with you? OK.

Sorry. Sorry.

"We have you surrounded."

We have you sur That's clever.

Shh!

Shh! We have you surrounded.

"Release the hostage."

Release the hostage or

What? There there is no 'or'.

We have no 'or'.

Sorry. Hang on. What?

OK. Fine. "Release the hostage

or we'll fire a m*ssile."

Release the hostage

or we'll fire a nuclear m*ssile.

What? Why why would we fire

a nuclear m*ssile on home soil?

OK, scrap that.

Yes, I've been black ♪

(PHONE RINGS)

But when I come back ♪

Yes?

You will know, know, know ♪

Understood.

I ain't got the time ♪

I'll be sure to let him know.

Good job.

They tried to make me go to rehab

But I won't go

Go, go ♪

I got more. Um

They call me Mr Bombastic,

semi-fantastic ♪

What if they recognise me?

They won't.

Don't say

(DOOR OPENS)

JERRY: Chris.

Hey. No, no, no!

No, no, no!

What on earth

do you all think you're playing at?

OK, Chris, I'm gonna be completely

honest with you right now.

I got a combat drone for my birthday

from a buddy of mine.

He's a 13-year-old rabbi.

And we were all

just having a play. OK?

Then we started to feel so bad

for for poor old Mary's mom.

And so we Tuva,

thought, "Wouldn't it be easier

if we just extracted her?"

And we're all, like"Uh!"

Easier on YOU, you mean.

Whilst at the same time jeopardising

a legitimate rescue mission!

Wait. You were going in after her

the whole time?

You mean you were never intending

to throw me under a bus?

Not THAT bus, no. Do you

really think I'm that cold-hearted?

ALL: Yeah.

If it weren't for the distraction

you caused with the drone,

allowing one of our tactical teams

to move in

and retrieve her, unharmed,

along with destroying all of

the Russian intel on Eternal Blue,

I would seriously be considering

reporting all of this to Rupert,

who expresses his utmost gratitude

for your quick thinking

and innovative approach.

Well, you really should have

let us in on the plan all along.

I had Mary in my office.

CHRISTINE: And risk that information

getting out?

Who knows if anyone else here

has been compromised?

Wait. You think there

still might be a mole working here?

It can't be me! It was me last time.

You'd better all go home

and get changed.

(SIGHS)

Joseph.

Yeah.

A word in my office.

Listen, I know I've been a bit all

over the place these past few days,

but, um

I promise it won't happen again.

I know.

Good. Thank you.

Thank you for being so understanding

all the time.

Because you're fired.

What?

No. No. No.

Look, you don't have to do that.

It's

I do.

No, listen, I get I get it.

You know, you're you're tired.

You haven't had breakfast.

I'd I'd be the same if

if I'd not eaten.

This isn't just about today.

I know, but I bet today didn't help.

No. It's just been endless, Joseph.

I've tried to warn you

so many times.

I know I'm not meant to be dating

someone from GCHQ Bude, but

You've been doing what?!

Sorry. I forgot

that I wasn't meant to say that.

Anything else you'd like to add?

It

..it's actually going really well?

Either way, my decision is final.

No.

No. No, Chris.

I no.

I'm I'm just

I'm I'm I'm begging you.

Just please.

You have till the end of the day.

Surely there must be something

that I can do.

I mean

(SIGHS) ..do you need

your shopping getting or anything?

No.

Well, can you at least

write me a good reference?

No.

If it was too good, people

would wonder why I let you go.

Well, then, why don't I just stay?

No.

Please get out.

I'm about to call

the Secretary of State.

But I don't think she knows who I am.

Not about you, obviously.

Can you at least tell me

everything's gonna be OK?

Everything's going to be OK.

I just don't think it is.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(PHONE BUZZES AND CHIMES)

Oh

..my God!

Thanks, guys.

Be careful with that.

(DING!)

OK.

NOEL COWARD: Hooray, hooray, hooray

Misery's on the way

There are bad times

just around the corner

There are dark clouds

hurtling through the sky

It's as clear as crystal

From Bridlington to Bristol

That we can't save democracy

and we don't much care

We'd better all learn the lyrics

Of the old Red Flag

And wait until we drop down dead.