01x03 - Showtime!

[bunniefuu]

It's with regret we
have to inform you of

the passing of one of
your own, Danny Jones.

He was my main suspect.

Strange coincidence he's
suddenly just been found dead.

Did she charge her phone?

She wanted off the ship.

Oh, whoa. What was she doing?

He's got a tattoo.

Did Danny have one?

No tattoo.

What happened to
him? They lied to us.

You think the fella in
the photo k*lled Danny?

You should speak
to the Filipinos.

You need someone to
vouch for you, like.

Olly. Mysterious, aren't you?

Your man, he's an officer.

We quit. Deal your own sh*t.

You're done when
I say you're done.

Are we in a mafia drug w*r?

Do we need protection?

Who are you?

Mate, we're in deep.

I'm calling the police.
It's mayday time.

Here we are, young lady.

Hot as hell out there.

You were short last
time. I don't think we...

You were short.

Huh.

That'll be the wife.

The old think box ain't
what it used to be.

Are we happy?

We're happy.

Oh... how much for this?

What's in the box?

Testing. One, two, three.

You saved her life.

She at least owes
you a conversation.

I've tried. For two days.

She won't speak to
me. She's scared.

So she should be.
There's a k*ller on board

and this psycho is
still out there waiting

to have another pop, and
you're on his radar now too.

I was so close.

I wish I could've just
got a look at him.

Do you think it was him, the
officer with the fish tattoo?

All right, wakey-wakey,
eggs-and-f*cking-bakey.

This is the most important
night of your lives.

The captain's ball,
baby. Our headline event.

The Sacramentum has
become the gold standard,

that by which all other
cruise formals are measured.

And, by Christ,

tonight will run tighter
than a camel's arse in

a sandstorm.

This is the one night we have
all our whales in one place.

Whales? Big spenders.

Tonight is all about

the squandering

of their hard-earned moolah
on marked-up booze and,

if you're lucky, big, sexy tips.

Yeah.

Sam. Karen. Doors open at six.

We need our first-class
guests seated at

the captain's table
ASAP. At 20.00 hours,

the captain makes
his first toast.

What the f*ck is that there? Which
of you tit-wanks set this table?

Was it you? Did you
call the police?

A detective is on the way.

H-How do you know? Look,
I've been trying to tell you.

Danny didn't jump,
he was m*rder*d.

No. Yes. We saw his
body. Velorum are lying.

You need to speak to the police.

Whoever k*lled Danny came
for you the other night.

This won't end, not
unless you end it.

No. It's not that simple.

You have no idea what
I'm dealing with.

Smacked off his t*ts.

Sweet Jesus, today of all days.

You know we've got a
copper en route, don't you?

I want a full shakedown, boys.

Cabin-to-cabin, hole-to-hole.

Show's over! Back to it.

Right, in uniform and
back here on time.

So, the cavalry's
really arriving.

Once they know Danny
was m*rder*d...

They'll have to
reopen Pippa's case.

We've just got to hope
Sophia keeps her head down.

Wait, so are you telling
me they could shut

the ship down? Today
could be the last day?

I hope we readjust on
the outside. You know,

people underestimate

the psychological
impact of incarceration.

Where will you go?

Dunno, but right now anywhere
on dry land sounds good. Mm.

I couldn't have got
this far without you.

The least I could do is
offer you somewhere to stay.

I mean, we ended up
with a spare room, so...

Jamie, I can't take
your sister's... Oh, no,

I don't mean Pippa's room. No,

we've got a nice cosy
cupboard under the stairs!

I mean it, though - about
the room, not the cupboard.

Thank you. Room service.

Huh? No, but I'm
working the ball.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, that's fine.

Hang on, hang on.
And she's gone.

Ooh la la, first-class.

Oh, going up in the world.

It's your turn to
check on Cormac.

You're almost at the finish line.
You can't let him blow everything!

All right, ladies, here we
go, contraband searchio.

I don't touch drugs.

Shite. What we got,

Frodo, you got anything
in there for me?

Whoa, whoa. What's
the hurry, 217?

I'm meant to be on shift.

You working the ball? No.

Is that your cabin?

Right, contraband
search. Open up.

Sam, devil's lettuce.

Stay exactly where you are.

I love this ship.

Pew-pew-pew! Pew-pew-pew!

Hey.

Did you find your officer
with the fish tattoo yet?

Not yet.

I still want to know what
the hell that was all about.

You've got a picture of a
man's p*nis on your phone

and you're trying to identify
who he is by his tattoo.

What, are you going door-to-door

looking for a match
like Prince Charming?

I always thought it doesn't
make sense that Cinderella has

a different shoe size to
every other girl in town.

Expert attempt at
subject change.

The shoes were custom-made for
her, they fit her feet exactly.

All right, how did
one fall off, then?

Oh, she was f*cked.
It was a big night.

My money is on Officer Doofy.

Who?

Beaker. I bet he's your man.

There's plenty of
stories about him.

What kind of stories?

Oh. He hooked up with my
mate Amy from the gift shop,

and she said he made
her do a fart in a jar.

Sorry, what?

Collects them, apparently.

Shut up. It's true.

What happened to good
old-fashioned kinks?

You have a few, do you?

What, do you not?

Pippa.

I am still waiting on that
much-anticipated long story.

Who are you, Cormac?

Are you just going to do
that every time I ask?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you? Who are you?

It better not be cold.

Where's the chilli oil?

Does she speak English?

Is the lobster farm-raised?

Why don't you ask it?

Excuse me? What, do you
want me to take it away?

Well, what do you
expect me to do with it?

I can think of one thing.

Are you hearing this, Lily?

All I hear is you making
a prick of yourself, Nile.

I'm going to make a call.

Oh.

Vivian.

It's Vivian with two I's.

He's no relation.

My mum picks men with
spicy bank accounts.

And this fat cat came with an
emotionally stunted litter.

You give as good as you
get, don't you, Vivian?

What can I say?
I'm a giver, Lily.

Leave him to me.

You kiddies shouldn't be playing

with drugs. Coppers
are going to get you.

You know, I flushed
my cannabis farm

right before you
kicked the door in.

Shall we not poke the bear?

Listen to your girlfriend, Mary.

Hm. Tuxedo on, twinkle t*ts.

Back to the ballroom.

What a prick. What
are you doing later?

We could chill,
just the two of us.

Yeah, no, yeah.

I need to, erm, get back,

so... I will find you later.

Not if I find you first.

La Policia National de
Panama. We are coming aboard.

You run the show?

Well, nobody can whistle
a symphony. Detective.

Martinez.

I'm the cruise director.
Henry Allan. Coffee? Kombucha?

We both know I have limited time
on here. I'd like to get started.

It's a tragedy. Really.

We encourage our
crew to moderate,

but the young ones
like to blow off steam.

Danny was drunk,

snuck by a patrol into
an off-limits area and...

CCTV? The last footage
shows him heading onto

the deck at around 5am.
He could hardly stand.

There were no warning signs
he was thinking about...

..you know. Honestly,

I wish I could say this was the
first time this has happened.

He could hardly stand, and
yet he snuck by a patrol?

We already sent
everything to your people.

Velorum will help however we
can. I'm not sure who called you.

I'd like to start by talking
with Danny's friends.

Absolutely.

Can I get costume to the
ballroom? Costume to the ballroom.

Where'd you get that?

Olly. It was him.
Olly attacked Sophia.

Olly? No, Mr Hippy Gap Year?

Why would he, what
did you say to him?

Nothing. I just got out of
there as fast as I could.

Do you think that he k*lled
Danny? Why would he? Mate,

do you think that's why he's
been getting close to you,

because he knows who you
are? Not that you don't have

an abundance of
appealing qualities.

The police are here.
We need to move.

Calm down, calm down!

Did you think I wouldn't
find out you were on here?

I'm not on here. I
mean, I am, clearly,

but I'm not meant to be. I
came on here to find you.

Do you think I'm
stupid, Cormac? No.

We agreed to come on here
together and then you bailed.

You got shacked up
with me last season,

but didn't know
how to long me off.

You wanted to cut me loose
for your next charter, so...

No, no, way. You
spin out a story

of some mystery man
buying your place on here.

Can we not do this here?

Anything you have to say to me,

you can say in front of
Gloria. Just get out my sight.

I've got a show to do.

Rosie. You heard
the girl. Feck off.

Stay out of it.

Excuse me? Don't you
talk to me like that,

you little sh*t? Come on, out.

This has nothing to
do... Go on, out.

Lauren? The police

want to see everyone who had
a relationship with Danny.

But you didn't know him.

It gets me out of work
for ten, don't it?

Does this Olly
have a second name?

No. Yeah, but I don't know it.
But he works in the Quacky Burger.

Sophia, the girl he attacked.
I'll have her brought to me now.

No. She's...

A d*ck.

She's scared.

She'll shut down if
you go in g*ns blazing.

I know that we can convince
her to come to you.

This is time-sensitive.

Got to get back for a big shop?

Fine. Do what you can.

And you think Pippa Walsh was
involved in whatever is going on?

She disappeared last year.

She was friends with
Danny and Sophia.

You need to see Danny's body.

It's all the evidence you need
that there's a k*ller on the ship.

All right. Thank you. You
did the right thing calling.

We'll bring you Sophia,

and then you need to do

the right thing and
shut this ship down.

Not a f*cking chance.
It's not happening.

Why not? Because. Because what?

Please, Sophia.

Because we've been dealing.

What, you? The
musical theatre gimps?

If I speak to the police,
I know he'll pin it on me.

Beaker.

The officers make a steal and
we get special privileges.

What, the same officers
that are raiding our cabins?

He'll make sure I take the fall,

and I am not ending up in some
maximum-security sh*thole selling my

coochie for liquid lipstick.

Hm.

The officers and the
Filipinos are rivals.

We deal to the guests,
the Filipinos to the crew.

That's always been
the agreement.

But the officers
have... gotten greedy.

Then that's why Olly attacked you
- he's part of the Filipino mafia.

Heh. Things have gotten nasty
since Pippa dropped me in it.

She kept things sweet.

What happened to...?

To her?

To Pippa? Oh, she had
a full-blown nervy B.

This ship will eat you up and
spit you out, if you let it.

She went for a paddle
in the Pacific.

The Filipinos, they
want me out of play,

but the officers
won't let me stop.

They're men.

And men don't seem to
understand the word no.

Present company included.

Look, I didn't want any of this.

I just need to see the
next few weeks through

and I'm gone.

I've been offered Spring Awakening
at the Norwich Puppet Theatre.

If there are no drugs, both sides
will have to leave you alone.

Can't you just get
rid of their stash?

Buy you enough time
to get off of here?

From a locker room?

I can't just walk in there and
take it all. They have cameras.

You can't.

I can. Look,

if you promise to go
to the police for me,

I will get rid of
the drugs for you.

I'll make it look like
the Filipinos took them.

Buy you enough time
to get off of here.

Or, you know, you can
take your chances.

Welcome to Quacky Burger.

What can I get you?

Can I... get you something?

No.

I just wanted to
get a look at you.

You get trapped on these
ships. Stuck in limbo.

The dealing kept
things interesting.

The perks, I mean.

A hot bath and a coconut
compress massage goes a long way.

That is your 15-minute
call. 15 minutes.

What about the girl before
you? The one who, erm...

Pippa?

Yeah, did the... did the perks
lose their appeal? What happened?

You can be whoever
you want on this ship.

Reinvent.

Pippa chose to be a
ruthless shitlord.

I guess it took its toll.
She made a lot of enemies.

She was paranoid that
she was being watched.

She was scared of the mafia.

She was scared of her
own shadow by the end.

What's your angle?

And don't tell me it's out of
the goodness of your heart.

Olly lied to me.

I really liked him
and he lied to me.

You better get to
the ball. Be careful.

I'll meet you in the
level two crew bathroom in

an hour, and then we
go to the detective.

Thank you.

Minuet by Boccherini

Showtime.

♪ I walk along the city streets
you used to walk along with me... ♪

Here, top us up, Frenchie.

Who are you looking for?

What? No-one.

Vivian.

Mm?

What do you think of Jerome?

He's harmless enough.

He definitely has a
nickname for his p*nis.

Yeah.

He's...

He's sweet.

I thought you were engaged.

Yeah, so did I.

Ladies.

Looking fresh, Jerome.

Merci. Lauren, you're
looking fresh too.

I look like a netted rump roast,
mate. They're taking the piss.

Nothing wrong with a nice rump.

Vivian.

Lily.

You look...

Lily, don't flirt
with the steerage.

Yes, Vivian, play on, player.

Guests are off-limits, remember?

Still here?

I want to see Danny's body.

Sure.

Oh, Sam, I'd like you to
meet Detective Martinez.

She's helping us out here today.

Get in.

What were you thinking?

They were raiding cabins.

Oh, so you thought why not
step out for dinner and a show?

There are officers
everywhere, Cormac.

Jamie is going to sh*t a brick.

You're looking for
Rosie, aren't you?

You know, if you get caught,
you're going to ruin everything.

That's what I do. I ruin things.

Get in. What?

Come on. Get in. Shut up.

Did you see Sam in that tux?

Thank you for your service!

What are you doing in here?

Looking for you. Aren't you
supposed to be somewhere?

FROM INSIDE: sh*t!

Jamie's waiting for you.

Yeah. About that -

tell your bestie
it's not happening.

What? But you promised.

No, you told me. And I'm
done being told what to do.

I am VERY disappointed.

Life's full of disappointments.
Just ask your parents.

You're a terrible person.

Look, don't cry about it. It's
just the way this ship works.

I've been looking for you.

You know, I've seen
it all over the years.

Norovirus,

gastrointestinal illnesses you
couldn't spell if you tried.

But fear? Fear is the
most dangerous disease,

and... the fear
this could cause,

I didn't want to mislead you.

This was an isolated incident.

Daniel was...

He was trouble. Rubbed
people the wrong way.

I'm not saying we keep
a lid on this for long.

Just until it's safe.

This will cause a whole
f*ck-storm of trouble.

I'll show you a f*ck-storm.

I don't want mass panic.
Kids hiding in cabins.

So many people could be hurt,

and then we'll never
find out what happened.

We're a few days from
shore. 3,000 guests,

1,000 crew.

I'm not saying we keep the
beaches open with a shark in

the water. I'm saying, let's
be practical about this.

Practical?

I need a few days.

Nothing stays secret
on here for long.

24 hours and we'll
know who did this.

Our shareholders would
appreciate your cooperation.

All right, no, OK. Do
whatever you have to do.

Raise the alarm,
call the coastguard.

70.

80.

Try the blackjack.

Yeah?

Come in.

What are you so happy about?

Could you not find
tighter trousers?

The police are on board.
It's over. Whatever you...

Keep back!

The order was to scare Sophia.

You're not denying it, then?
I tried to keep my distance

so they don't rope
me into anything,

but then you had me take you
down there the other day.

Wrong place, wrong time.

I was only supposed to scare
her. I'd never hurt anyone.

You don't say no to the
mafia. You don't get a choice.

There's always a choice.

Trust me, Cormac, there
isn't. You're white.

That's the lowest
difficulty setting.

You're playing the
game on easy mode.

And what about Danny?

The rumours are true,
then. That wasn't me.

Nothing to do with
the mafia either.

Sophia, I never
should've done it.

And I'm turning myself
in. I just wanted to,

I don't know, explain
myself to you first.

Say goodbye.

I'm sorry. Really, I am.

I wish things could've
turned out differently.

Wait. Take me to
the man in charge.

To The Baby.

The Baby? If he really just
asked you to scare Sophia,

he'll back up your
story, won't he?

He's not the head of
the Filipino mafia.

Who is, then?

Oliver.

Wait, w-wait.

No, wait, please. Get off.

Dolce, please,
you've got it wrong.

Do you know what's the most
destructive thing on any vessel?

A rat. You know
what happens when

a ship has too many rats? It
sinks. I keep things clean,

but a rat will find its way.

And it's my job to
take care of it.

The traps Velorum
use. They're humane.

A temporary solution.

I provide a permanent one.

Look, whatever you think I did,
just, please, just let me go.

Number one rule
on the Sacramento.

Don't rat.

He didn't rat about the drugs.

The police are here about Danny.

He didn't die how they're
saying. He thinks I k*lled him.

Olly is a good boy.

We only asked him to frighten
Little Miss Peroxide.

And Danny, not us.

Not our style. It's
your lucky day,

Oliver. You're off the hook.
I wanted to tell you myself.

The policewoman is leaving.

Rosie.

Rosie.

Cormac?

Over here, in the wardrobe.

Why are you in the wardrobe?

I need to talk to you.

Why are you in the wardrobe?

Could you just let me
out and I can explain?

No.

What? I don't want
to hear more lies.

Rosie, listen, please.

Yes, I've lied to you.

OK? I have, a lot.

I'm 6'4, I'm not 6'5.

I can't swim to save my life.
The Edge isn't my uncle.

I never actually drank the
blue liquid from inside

the magic eight ball either.

I know I'm the
gobbiest of gobshites.

But you, us, it's real, Rosie.

It's the most real thing I've ever
known in my whole life, and...

..I don't want to lose it.

I can't lose it. I-I need you.

Forget Jamie, forget the money.

I'm crazy about you,

Rosie. You're dead
on, you're everything,

and I, erm... I...

Oh, you're going
to make me say it.

Where are you going?
Look, I was wrong.

The situation is under control.

The situation is very
much not under control.

The situation is
completely f*cked. Look,

it wasn't Olly. The
k*ller's still out there.

She was my sister.

Pippa Walsh was my sister,

OK? My name isn't
Cormac, it's Jamie,

and I came on here to find her,

to find out what
happened to her, OK?

Please, I'm begging you - more
people are going to get hurt.

She was involved
in drugs on here.

Do you know they're all in on
it? There's a drugs w*r going on,

the officers and the Filipinos.

Pippa was blackmailing
someone, one of the officers.

The ship, it corrupts,
it destroys people.

The Pippa I'm hearing about
wasn't the one who came on here.

Then you better watch you don't
sail further than you can row back.

Ahoy.

You're going to get me flogged.

Do you think they'll
let me watch?

We're missing the
crew foam party.

There you go.

Your fiance is a
lucky man, Lauren.

Daronte? Dumped me at
the airport, didn't he?

Said he couldn't
do long-distance.

What?

And it was his idea for
me to get a job on here,

so literally shipped
me off. I mean,

in a weird way, you've kind
of got to admire his planning.

I need my bed.

Go. I'll finish off.

Are you sure?

Go, before I change my mind.

Goodnight, Jerome.

What, every year?

As long as I can remember.
Well, not this ship,

but cruises, yeah. My
mum can't get enough.

They've all just
blurred into one

big, fake, tragicomic
dissimulation.

Yeah, I would start
packing, if I were you.

Why?

This one's going
to be cut short.

Do you know something I don't?

Hey, where are all the stars?

No stars.

Light pollution.

Whoa.

Midnight.

Yep, it's over.

Just when things were
getting interesting.

All right, Jamie?

Hiya. So YOU'RE Jamie?

Or should I call you Cormac?

Go on. Tell him.

You are going to jizz your pants
when I tell you who I've found.

Your man Pippa was sextorting,

the officer you think might've
k*lled Danny. I found him.

Sam. The guy in
the photo is Sam.

We've got him.

Help me! Please!

♪ By the sea, by the
sea By the beautiful sea

♪ You and I, you and I
Oh, how happy we'll be

♪ When each wave
comes a-rollin' in

♪ We will duck or swim

♪ And we'll float and
fool around the water

♪ Over and under
and then up for air

♪ Pa is rich, Ma is rich
so now what do we care?

♪ I love to be beside
your side, beside the sea

♪ Beside the seaside

♪ By the beautiful sea. ♪