01x08 - Novel

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you guys. Look at this, Jane. Virus

is doing the reading of her book today.

Ohh. Jane Burrow is my favorite author.

Have you ever read The Plains of

Midnight? Read it. I devoured it. I

deflowered it. What does that mean? It

means I humped it. You humped a book? Not

literally. Literally. What was your

reaction to it? Literally porked it.

What's the matter, Michael? It's just

that Jane Burrows isn't even that much

older than us. She's published on these

great novels and done all these amazing

things. And what have we ever done with

our lives? Nothing. Well, that's not

true. Remember when we're playing Boggle

and you found that word duty b*mb? I

know, but that's not even a real word. It

should be, Mike. It should be. What is it

you want to do, Mike? I don't know. Write

a song or build a bridge or write a song.

Not a bridge. So many. Garfunkel already

did that. Guys, I think we should go to

that bookstore reading. Maybe Jane

Burrows will give us some advice about

what to do with our lives. That's a great

idea. Let's go.

This early, it's no surprise to see such

a big crowd of books and books today.

Please help me welcome the author of The

Moment, Jane Burroughs.

Ohh, thank you. You go girl. It

is fabulous to be back here at

Books and Notes.

Honey, I know. I thought it might be kind

of fun. Instead of doing a standard

reading, I could take some questions. Oh,

oh.

Me, me, me, me, me. Hey, hey, hey. Yes.

You and the suit. Ohh. You, you go. You

go. No, Michael, you go first. I insist.

It was your idea to come here. I know,

but your questions are so insightful.

Well, you know where I got my

interviewing style from? Matt Lauer.

Matt, did one of you get to the point?

Because I think there might be some other

questions about this. Good question.

First of all, Miss Burroughs, big fan.

Did you have a question in

addition to that? No, no, no.

Great. Anybody else have a question?

Miss Burrows? I know these three

guys and they're losers, losers, losers.

And they're trying to figure what

they would do with their lives.

And they were wondering if you might have

any advice for them. There was a time in

my life where I was, I guess, a total

loser. And what happened was I, I took

that frustration and I poured it into my

writing. I'm that way of blowing

sandwiches. Ohh. It's totally like he

carries him around everywhere. I take my

energy and I funnel it into my baloney. I

really love you too. I like your

glasses. Thank you. Stupid stupid

question, but what is a book?

Ohh, enthusiastic guys. Hi. Did you want

me to sign your book? Ohh, I don't have a

book, but we signed my ****. I have a

question. Where do you get your ideas? I

mean, like you must smoke so much DuPage.

No, no, I prefer to keep it simple. I

just write about what I know. You say you

write about what you know. What about

that book The goat Singers of Alpha

Centauri? Were those goat people have sex

with those really hot female sl*ves? I

didn't write that. Ohh OK, we sent my

book. You know,

writing is not as difficult as you might

think, especially your first book, but

then it comes time for the 2nd and you've

accepted the advance and the demand

exceeds the supply. And art is not a

commodity to be produced on deadlines.

I'm, I'm not, I'm not a machine. I'm not

a machine. I, you know what would be

great if you guys tried writing? It might

be. Just the thing to help you or

your friends out of that rut. Yeah.

That's a great idea. We should write our

own book. Yeah. What do you think, Dave?

Yeah. Could you Could you? A book? A

book. How do you write a book? You start

at the beginning. That's what you do.

Yeah. What's the first thing you see when

you open a book? The inscription. Yes.

How about to Marcus? Yeah. Yeah. To

Marcus. Who's Marcus? Guys, who the hell

is Marcus? I know. I don't know. This

isn't getting us anywhere. We already

have writers block. We haven't even made

it past the inscription. Wait a minute.

What did Jane say? Write what you know.

Yeah. What do we know? What do we know?

Math. David, write this down. 2 * 2 is



Wait, stop. I don't think that's the kind

of book we should write. What if we wrote

a book about now? I'm just spitballing

here. Three guys. That's grade three

guys. Where do you come up with this

stuff, Mike? OK, I'm dancing as fast as I

can here. These guys, they live together

in a in a shoe. No. In a sock? No.

In a shoe, No. In an apartment. Yeah.

Perfect. And their names are Michael,

Michael and Craig. Love it. Perfect.

Wait, let's start typing before we forget

this stuff. Ohh wait.

One one thing.

The quick brown fox. The

quick brown fox. Type it.

Ohh, it's no use. The

ideas have stopped flowing.

I'm so frustrated.

Pages.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, you

guys, I've got it. He's not a

chef. He's a sous

chef.

Yes, yes, yes.

He knew that

he'd be friends

forever. The end.

Great, guys. We finally made our mark.

Yay. Now what do we do with it? Let's

burn it. No, Michael. No. Maybe we should

take it to Jane Burrows. She would be so

proud of us. Yay. But what if she hates

it?But what if

she loves it? Yeah, well, there's only

one way to find out.

So who is going to take our new novel and

show it to Jane Burroughs? Me, me, me,

me. I don't think that's such a good

idea, David. It's our only copy. Well, we

can just make another copy. Ohh, No, you

don't. You start doing that. The next

thing you know, you got Chinese

bootleggers selling these things on the

streets. Xiao Ming for a nickel and a

corn dog. That's what I was about to say.

Come on, I can do it. I'm up to the task.

Jane.

Hey, who are you? I'm going to go with

your sense of humor again. It's me,

David, from the reading yesterday. Ohh.

For Christ. How did you get this address?

I know, right? Listen, remember, you told

us. Write what we know. What? We did it

great. We read it. No, I will not read

it. I don't read unsolicited manuscripts.

Ohh. No. Please, please, please just read



There was this writer lady, and she was

famous and beautiful and classy. She met

these three guys and she thought two of

them were the coolest guys in the world.

One of them was named Michael and another

was named Michael and the other guy was

named Craig. You know, this isn't half

bad.

Well, what does he think? Can I be honest

with you? I loved it. Really I loved it.

It was, it was fractured and dyspeptic,

certainly, but in a very post Faulknerian

kind of way, right? I know. And the

symbolism of the Troy. It was like, wow,

yeah, the troika kicks *****. And I don't

think I've ever heard a turn of phrase

quite like giant duty b*mb. I mean, it

really was quite arrested. Do you mind if

I hang on to this? I'd love to read it

again. Well, yeah. I mean, we only have

one copy. One copy? Yeah, it's just the

one copy. Just the one.

David. Yes, Jane,

please call me Jane. OK, Jane, it is.

You know, I've always had a crush on Ray.

Yeah, it was pretty obvious.

Hey guys. Ohh ladies, what's with the new

get up? Haven't you heard? We're writers

now. Ohh, yeah. Would you write the

Complete Idiots Guide to Idiots?

Ohh, you want chickadees? But David's

meeting with Jane Burroughs as we speak.

Jane Burrows, the woman who wrote The

Plains of Midnight. It's wonderful.

Lesser works, but yes. And you guys

actually know her? Do we know her? Let me

put it this way. Yes.

In response to your query, she's a very

good friend. Wow.

How come you let David deliver the book

to Jane? He's such an idiot. Aren't you

worried he'll mess it up? Dear, sweet,

stupid Jennifer. Done what we have to be

to let an idiot take the book to Jane.

Let me ask you that. Do you see now?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha

ha. Can you spell Conundrum Jane?

Oh my God.

Oh my God I'm like 10 minutes

late. Of

course. That's what made Wodehouse

Wodehouse, you know, That's why we talk

about that famous warehouse story. Let's

get out of here. If I have

to hear anymore of this, I'm gonna

boot. What is that thing that Joan

Didion? Joan, Who cares? That was

unexpected. You're really great in the

sack, David. Well, I get that a lot.

Obviously, I'm well endowed, but I'm also

a real student in the ****** arts. Like

that one point I had you bent over. I

think it's time we get going. OK. You

wanna get together later, then, or I

can't. OK, I guess maybe grab a bite

tomorrow night or something. Just call

me. I will. This is the

awkward part, saying goodbye, right? Did

you just go OK, OK.

I'll just see you.

There he is now. The man of

the hour had to go. She liked

the book. Did she like it? No.

Ohh. No. No. Did she love it?

Yeah. Maybe. She gonna publish it? Hell

yeah. Yeah. Ohh, where's the manuscript

now? It's right here in this tote bag.

Where's the book? Ohh, well, Jane must

have just accidentally switched it with

these rocks that are approximately the

same weight as the manuscript. We've got

to get that book back. That book is our

legacy. Don't worry, as long as it's with

my Jamie bear, it's totally safe.

I'm afraid I have some bad news. Don't

tell me you have crabs. No, you will. The

truth is, David, I lost your manuscript.

What happened was I put it on the coffee

table. There was an enormous amount of

papers, I think that made threw it out.

I'm terribly sorry. Wait, but that was

our only copy. I know. I feel terrible.

Louisa, you're fired. Please leave your

shoes at the door. I'm so sorry. I can't

believe this. Jane. That book took us

hours to write. Hey, she said it was an

accident. Get off her chalk already. I

know this must be so hard for you. Maybe

you'd feel better if I felt you up a

little. Think I need to be

alone right now? OK, baby. Yeah. Come on,

guys, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait. You guys look what I

found. It's not what you think it is.

Jane, did you put your name on our

manuscript? I can explain. I just need a

second. OK. Take your time. Think, woman.

Think. And I wrote a

book. A book with the same name. That's

it. The same name. Yeah. The three guys.

And you dedicated your book to Marcus,

too. Something smells really fishy here,

guys. That's not the mackerel spray in my

hair either, although it might be.

It already. Jeez Louise. Yes, I took your

manuscript. Yes, I put my name on it.

Yes, I will publish it as my own. In

fact, I'm on my way to the editor's

office right now, and there's not a damn

thing you can do about it. Can I see that

for a second? Sure. Why not? You used me.

Yes, David, I did. But if it's any

consolation, you really are terrific in

the sack. Still, you'll never get away

with this, Jane. What happens when we

tell everybody what you've done?

Do not make me laugh. I am

Jane Burrows, the darling of the literary

establishment. And who are you, 3

buffoons? We'll just balloon is going to

kick your ***** right now. Oh my

gosh, it's a baby deer.

Hey, you guys, she's gone. There was no

baby deer. Do you mean the entire time

she was talking about the baby deer, she

was lying? Yes. I'm afraid so. She's

brilliant. I'm going to look one more

time for that baby, dear.

I don't think I'm overstating anything

when I say that I'm really mad at Gene

Burrows. I can't believe I gave her

the only copy of our novel and my

virginity. She's probably taking our book

to her editor right now. All hope is

lost.

Wait, that's it. What? All we have to do

is rewrite the novel and beat her to the

publisher. But should be there any second

now? And we better hurry, David, we've

got a novel to rewrite. All right. Before

we start though, I do have some notes on

the 1st chapter, Page 1. I thought that

the syntax was off. I strongly disagree.

They knew they would be friends forever.

We did it. We rewrote the novel. Now all

we have to do is get it to Jane's

publisher before she does.

Michael. I

just threw our novel in the fireplace and

that was wrong of me and I will

be the first person to admit it. I

didn't even know we had a fireplace.

So long, suckers.

I can't believe she's getting away with

this. We don't have to let her. David to

the rickshaw.

Faster boy, faster.

She must have gone in there.

Where are you, Jane? No, you're in here.

That now, Wherever you are. Hey, Jane,

We're not mad at, you know, we just

want to talk. We don't even have to

talk about the book, either. It's great

weather we're having, isn't it, Shane?

Throughout the lead pipe.

Hey, Jay. What's up? Hi, baby Jane. Why

are you doing this to us? That novel

is all we have. Do you know how

much pressure I'm under to churn out book

after book after book? Very little

pressure, room. Quite a lot, actually. So

much so that I've developed at

debilitating writers block. You see, I

needed. Your novel to save my career? You

imbecile, should be thanking me. I'm

going to make your novel a huge success.

Too bad you'll only be able to enjoy it

from the grave. Now say your prayers,

gentlemen. What are we going to do? Maybe

we should take off our shirts.

Stupid idea. Forget it. They're stupid. I

have an idea. Hey, Jane, mind if I have a

bite of my lunch? Kind of a last meal?

No, no, That seems reasonable. Thank you.

Quick. Bernie Sandwich. He makes

them all the time.

Yeah.

Guys, what happened to Burroughs? Let's

go.

You guys are? Bike is gone. Quick at the

rickshaw. Wait, wait. David. It's out of

order. Well, maybe Jane made that sign.

I'm not willing to take that chance for

you. You're right. Safety first. Well,

maybe there's something to know. It's

over. We lost. Well, look

on the bright side, you guys, at least we

still have the sandwich, no?

Hey, you guys, look at this. There's

three guys is coming out and Jane Burrows

is having a big party at the bookstore

tonight. I just wish we could go to that

party and expose Jane Barrows for the

fraud that she is. Yeah, but Jane was

right. No one would believe us over her.

Yes, they will, David, because we've got

a weapon on our side that nobody can

refute the truth. Ohh God no. I wasn't

thinking the truth. I was thinking that

broad sword we have. But I mean, the

truth is good. Let's go to the truth.

Let's go with the truth. Let's go to that

party guys.

Hello, Jane Burroughs. We have something

we want to say to you and everybody here.

There's something all of you need to know

about the real author of the three guys.

Ohh. Wait. Hey everyone, the

reviews for The Three Guys just

came in. Apparently told from the

point of view of its three

mentally deficient protagonists, Jane

Burroughs new novel The Three Guys

is a rambling, sexist, heinous, achingly

dull, incoherent mess. Wow. There's

more Michael, Michael and Craig

may well go down as

literature's three most loathsome

characters. Why?

I'm sorry, what were you guys saying?

Ohh. We just wanted to wish everyone good

luck with the book. Yeah. So long. Bye.

Have a good party. Bye.

Here's the thing. I did not

even write that. I didn't write

that. Here's what I did. I

agreed to be a vessel. I

didn't ride it raining. I gave

it a cursory glance. That's how

Michael, Michael and Craig finally got

their revenge. DN. And.

I'm so glad we finally have a computer so

there's no chance of losing the work

we've done. Amen.

Next Tuesday, if you can't stand the heat

boss. What a boss. Get up and keep

kicking boy. Dry farming in the kitchen.

Nothing Stella new episode next Tuesday

after an all new Reno 911 right

here coming up next.

Nice. The Yellowfish, Ed Helms hooks are

huge story. Haven't you humiliated it

enough? No, absolutely not. You've gone

wild Today show with Jon Stewart coming

up next on Comedy Central.