01x04 - Shame

[bunniefuu]

Sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late.

b*tch, b*tch teacher.

What time is it?

-NAOMI: 9:17.

-COB: 20 past.

Cob was just asking

why we're not saying

it's from a specific time in the past

before you guys got together.

Well, we could.

NAOMI: We could.

It's not my advice, but

Well, happily,

it's not your decision.

No, it's not, Cob, but the point is

what we don't want

is a bunch of people who are able to

date it through I don't know what

Carbon p*nis dating? Why wouldn't

they have done that already?

It's just that she doesn't look

10 years younger. No offence.

And if we date it specifically,

it might drag you into it.

Oh, thatthat's what drags me

into it? OK, fine, right. Cool, yeah.

I thought we'd agreed

we're not gonna get into

the who or the when

of these photos.

It's pretty f*cking obvious, no?

Why don't we just say

ex-boyfriend from a long time ago?

No, you're not gonna name names

'cause you're above that.

OK, but would that

be better for Disney,

if it was from a long time ago?

Have you even

spoken to them yet?

No, they're being weirdly

quiet for Americans.

Hey, hey, you are not

losing that job!

The point is we should all be fine

with seeing someone

with a c*ck in their hand.

We're not children.

But there are children

in the world who watch movies.

Yeah, also, we have one of them.

Partly because of her having

your c*ck in her hand at some point.

There's no shame to be had

in a woman doing a sex act!

-There is in this case.

-Yeah, if it's not her husband's.

If it's a f*cking

overrated trash peddler

who thinks he's Steve McQueen -

not that one.

Oh, I'm so worried

I'm gonna get this wrong.

You know, I can't not be authentic.

Even if I try,

I'll end up being authentic.

I can't not be authentic.

-You're an actress!

-Yeah, but come on.

Like, if she asks me

how I feel about the pictures

being out there,

the answer isn't 'fine', is it?

No, of course the answer's not 'fine'

because you're disappointed.

You shouldn't be ashamed

is what's important.

-You should just be honest.

-But I am ashamed.

Why? You've got

no reason to be ashamed.

-Mmm, she kind of has.

-I kind of do.

Yeah, but they don't know that!

We're not presenting it as that

is what I'm saying.

OK, so don't say it's that -

that it's Carter?

BOTH: No!

Don't be honest

about that, obviously!

Be honest about how you would feel

if everything

we were saying was true.

Oh, my God. Can we please

just say that it's old?

NAOMI: OK, fine, but be vague.

-OK, so just

-(PHONE BUZZES)

..general p*nis

from a long time ago?

-Oh, I feel sick.

-Yes. Yes, from a long time ago.

Don't be specific about when

and don't be specific about who.

Well, I can't be specific

about any of those things

because they're both

entirely made up.

-OK?

-OK, then we're ready.

-OK.

-(CLEARS THROAT)

-Hey, Bari.

-(ON PHONE) Oh, hiya.

I've got Athena from

'The Observer' on the line.

Great. Can you hear me OK?

BARI: Yeah, yeah, totally, it's fine.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, uh, put her through.

ATHENA: Hello?

Hi, it's Suzie.

ATHENA: Oh, hi!

Hi! (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Um, I'm a big fan

of your political column

every week, by the way.

I mean, I'm obsessed.

ATHENA: Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I mean, I can quote

long stretches of it.

ATHENA: Oh, wow, that's nice.

Well, the first thing

I do wanna say, though,

is I am really sorry

about what happened to you.

Thank you.

ATHENA: And I'm really grateful

you're speaking with me.

II could not be more furious.

Well (CHUCKLES)

..me too, hashtag.

-Uh, wait.

-(ATHENA CHUCKLES) Yeah.

So, I'm sorry, furious with me?

ATHENA: No! No.

Hang on. Let's do some basics, Suzie.

So, when did you see the pictures?

Um, well, I'm not one of those

You know, I like to stay away

from all of that, so

-ATHENA: Yeah.

-It wasn't

It wasn't until, um,

I got a text from Naomi, my manager,

and she said, you know,

we should have a chat

and then she described it to me

and obviously

I sat down with my family

and, you know, that's when I knew

what it was and that was that.

ATHENA: Yeah, sure, and how

I mean, how did you feel

when you saw that they'd leaked?

Well, I was shocked,

you know, obviously,

because, you know, these

ATHENA: Yeah.

..are pictures from

a very long time ago.

ATHENA: Oh, really? I think

Oh, I think everyone assumed

that they were recent images.

No. I mean, they deliberately

They can do that.

No, they're from a long time ago

and, you know, it's something

I feel is very private, you know?

But it shouldn't

have to be, should it?

ATHENA: Uh, can you

talk more about that?

Yeah, I mean, you know, I should

be able to look at the pictures

and go, "Oh, hey, there's me

with a c*ck in my hand,"

and my son should be able

to look at those pictures

and go, "Oh, hey, there's Mum

with a c*ck in her hand," you know?

(ATHENA LAUGHS) Yes.

I mean, uh, is thatis that

what you actually think?

No, it's not what I actually

Of course not.

But I should be able to think that,

when in reality of course

I'm just like everybody else -

I'm looking at those pictures

and going, you know,

"What an absolute sl*t."

(MOUTHS)

I'm being ironic, Athena!

-(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)

-ATHENA: OK.

(FRANTIC MUSIC)

(GROANS)

SUZIE: "What an absolute sl*t."

(MOANS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)

Can you send me all the contracts

related to the Disney job as soon as?

And also anyone else

we know who's worked with them

so I can compare the wording?

Thanks.

Cob? Cob!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

I can't hear you sarcastically

clapping 'cause you're in a car.

(WHIRRING)

(CLAPS SLOWLY)

Thank you. Now, I need to get

to Disney before that interview does.

Can you give me

a lift to the station?

I can.

Will you?

I will.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(THEME MUSIC)

(GLASS SMASHES)

(CAR ENGINE FADES)

(ECHOES) "What an absolute sl*t."

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Mmm-mmm-mmm

(DREAMY MUSIC)

-(MOANING ECHOES)

-Ooh!

(GRUNTS)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

So is it just me or does she

dress like she's from the past?

(GIGGLES)

(ENGINE REVVING)

MAN: Oh, what a sl*t you are.

SUZIE: "What an absolute sl*t."

-(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE)

-(TRUCK BEEPING)

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

-WOMAN: Mrs Pickles?

Can I have a word?

I wonder if he's curious,

which is normal.

Um, sorry. Yeah, I mean, I just

I think it's more likely

that he doesn't know

if someone's in the toilet.

I mean, why aren't people

locking doors?

The impression I'm getting

is that it's a rather

deliberate attempt to see things.

And if there is new behaviour

that might be related

to something that's going on at home,

it's important we're open

and transparent about that.

Is there anything going on at home?

Is this about me not doing

the school fete opening?

No! It's about Frank

bursting in on people on the toilet.

And, also, did you get the letter

about appropriate dress for drop-off?

I did, yeah.

(DISCORDANT JAZZ MUSIC)

I did and I used it to wipe my arse

because I'm a terrible mother

and a massive sl*t.

Have a great day.

See you, sweetheart.

(ENGINE REVVING)

So is it just me or does she

dress like she's from the past?

(GIGGLES)

BRUCE: Come on.

Let me give you a ride home.

(REVVING)

I'm so lazy. I should walk.

Please don't.

(ENGINE STARTS AND REVS)

Mmm. Oh, my God,

I need to get sucked.

(REVVING)

Oh

(ZIPPER BUZZES)

Oh, yeah!

Oh, I'm so grateful.

Oh, suck my c*ck.

Mmm, suck my c*ck,

you dirty b*tch.

(PANTING) Suck my c*ck,

you little wh*re.

-Really?

-What?!

You're fantasising

about giving him a blowjob,

some dad from the playground

this morning?

I'm trying to make

myself feel better.

You're not into cars.

-He's into cars!

-Do you know that in real life?

It (STAMMERS)

It's in my imagination.

So you've made up that

he's into sports cars

so you can fantasise

about him being turned on

in a car he thinks makes him sexy?

Where are you in this?

I like his desire.

His desire for me makes me wet.

(PANTING) Suck my c*ck, you wh*re.

But he was nice to you.

That was the whole attraction.

Why is he calling you names now?

MAN: Karen?

('TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS'

PLAYS DISTORTEDLY)

-(MAN SHOUTS ANGRILY) Karen!

-NAOMI: I know why.

MAN: Where is she, deaf bint?

NAOMI: You've always been

attracted to shitty men.

Go and get me something

from over there, would ya?

Good girl. You're a good

little girl, aren't you?

SUZIE: I don't like shitty men.

I just wank over them.

-NAOMI: Oh, beautiful.

-Sometimes.

-Beautiful!

-Well, I can't help it.

Uh, you can help it,

like they do with paedos.

-What?

-Paedophiles.

'Cause orgasms are really,

like, powerful

What's the word?

Conditioners of behaviour.

SUZIE: Mmm?

Well, they make paedos

wank over images of, like, adults

and the more they wank,

the more they orgasm,

the more they get into that

I'm sorry. Whowho does this?

Like, in studies

and away from, like, the kids.

Hang on a minute. So you're

So you're saying the more

I wank over someone

-Or just nicer guys?

-Yeah.

..I'll eventually start

to fancy them in real life?

Yes! Like, you build the muscle,

like an athlete.

Wank through your shitty childhood.

c*m your way to being

a better person.

(SWEET LULLABY MUSIC)

(MUSIC RISES DRAMATICALLY)

GIRL: Come on.

(GIGGLING)

-Two?

-Yep, two whole minutes!

-'Bye!

-KIDS: 'Bye!

(LAUGHTER FADES)

Oh, my gosh.

Sorry. Are you OK?

It sticks out.

SUZIE: I'm allowed to think

about that because I was

..the same age as him at the time.

Obviously, I'm not judging that.

At least he was nice to you.

SUZIE: Come on.

We're sophisticated enough

to distinguish between

our politics and our desires.

Yeah, but everything

you think is sexy

is based on what men have told you

is sexy for thousands of years.

What part of that do you think

is about your desire, your lust?

Where do you go to

when it's coming from you?

(NAOMI'S VOICE ECHOES)

(RADIO STATIC, JUMBLED STATIONS)

(STATIC BUZZES)

(SIGHS)

(MAN PANTS AND MOANS QUIETLY)

(SUZIE BREATHES RAGGEDLY)

(MOANS)

CARTER: Yeah, so reflexology

is like this theory

that every part of your foot

is connected to another

part of your body.

So if I press here

(BOTH PANT AND MOAN)

NAOMI: No! Not Carter.

You should be thinking about Cob.

You need to c*m to your husband.

Well, hello.

Sorry.

NAOMI: OK, OK.

Then imagine something. Go wild.

He can just feature.

(RADIO STATIC)

POLICEMAN: These photos.

(BOTH MOAN)

Can you explain?

SUZIE: Yeah, they're me.

-They're all of me.

-(BOTH MOAN)

(MOANING CONTINUES)

-(GIGGLES)

-I can't control her, sir.

-She's wild.

-What's this little sl*t doing?

-You can't say 'sl*t', sir.

-Shut up!

POLICEMAN:

She's desperate for it, sir.

(SUZIE MOANS)

You want to get us into trouble,

don't you, you little wh*re?

What's going on here?

It's only fun.

SUZIE: Sorry, Cob.

(CHILDREN SPEAK SOFTLY)

Five, four, three, two, one.

(CHILDREN GIGGLE)

-GIRL: She's such a sl*t.

-GIRL 2: She's such a sl*t.

(GIGGLING FADES)

You're such a sl*t.

Two margaritas, please.

Can't believe you don't use toys.

They are depressing.

Like electric tin openers.

I always think the sound

of them's gonna, like

(LAUGHS)

..attract a bunch of stray cats.

-That's so weird.

-(CATS MEOW)

(CATS MEOW AND PURR)

-(MEOW ECHOES)

-(DOG BARKS)

(SIGHS) f*ck!

(DRUM BEATS)

(SILENCE)

(TRAIN RATTLES)

OK, it says "Anything deemed

to damage the Disney brand

"or bring it into disrepute."

Do we know deemed by who?

OK, alright. I'll take a look.

Alright, thanks.

(SNIFFS)

(WATER RUNS)

Hmm.

Hmm.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Good morning.

Disney. Marian Fletcher's office.

Yes, I'm Naomi Jones.

I rep Suzie Pickles and

a few other people you work with.

Listen, me and Marianne

really need to have a call today.

She probably mentioned this?

-WOMAN: Oh, sorry. I'm just a temp.

-Oh, OK.

Uh, listen, she's got 10 minutes

at some point today, doesn't she?

She can do 15 minutes,

quite soon, though.

-At 11:00?

-OK, great.

Actually, I happen to be in

the building before for a meeting,

so I'll come straight to her office

and pop my head in then.

-OK, if you're here anyway.

-Exactly. Great.

-Thanks. 'Bye.

-OK. Thanks. 'Bye.

(ROBOT BEEPS)

ROBOT: I am your helper.

SUZIE: Oh, f*ck!

(MUTTERS)

(DEVICE VIBRATES)

Huh!

(PHONE RINGS AT OTHER END)

MAN ON PHONE: Good morning.

Disney UK.

Hi. Can you put me through

to Dale Borger's assistant, please?

MAN: Putting you through.

WOMAN ON PHONE:

Dale Borger's office.

-Hi. Is that Holly?

-Yes.

-Hi, Holly. Naomi Jones here.

-Mm-hm.

I just wanted to check,

do you have a meeting in with me

and Marianne today at 11:00?

-WOMAN: No. Not today.

-Oh, really?

Well, you should.

They've been begging me

for a meeting about Suzie,

and Marianne really wanted

to have it today.

-Did her assistant not message you?

-Uh, yeah, no.

-She's got a temp in at the moment.

-Ah, OK. That explains it.

Well, let me tell you,

if you have any spare moment

to block out with him,

I'd do it then,

because he'll be really annoyed

if this meeting happens without him.

Oh! Well, OK,

I'm putting it in the diary now.

-Thanks for letting me know.

-No worries. 'Bye.

(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)

(DEVICE VIBRATES)

NAOMI: OK. Here we go. You're going

to c*m thinking about your husband.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Ooh, ooh, I need to see you

Come on,

let me take a piece of you ♪

NAOMI: He's attractive, right?

Tosomeone.

VALERIE: Professor?

Professor, do you mind going

over something else for me?

Meanwhile

I'm on fire

Your body sways

and takes me higher

I got you ♪

I like that she likes him.

NAOMI: Well, get involved.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(VALERIE MOANS)

(GASPS)

(MOANS)

NAOMI: This is actually quite hot.

SUZIE: Shut up!

-Go away!

-Include him, then.

He's the one you're trying

to get excited about.

SUZIE: Shall I make her c*m for you?

COB: Yes, please.

(MOANING)

COB: Put your fingers inside her.

SUZIE: No. No, I won't do that

'cause that's not gonna work.

Ugh! Put your fingers inside her!

I don't mind.

SUZIE: This isn't my bag. I don't

even know what this is really like.

Jesus, now you're fantasising

about my desires!

NAOMI: Come on, from YOU.

CARTER: Every part of your foot

is connected to another part

of your body, so

SUZIE: Mm-hm. Yeah?

CARTER: Yeah.

So, where did you feel that?

In my p*ssy? Yeah.

Right! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

CARTER: No. No, that was meant

to be your shoulder.

Oh!

But, hey, maybe that's the science,

I don't know.

(SUZIE LAUGHS)

NAOMI: That was when you met.

It was good when you first met Cob.

If you can't imagine, then remember.

(WHISPERS) Beautiful girl.

(BIRD'S WINGS FLAP)

Did you see what I wrote?

-What?

-Did you not see it?

Where?

I must've rubbed it off

with the sweat.

Mmm.

Whereabouts?

Well, you're just gonna

have to find it.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

(KISSING)

-(SUZIE LAUGHS)

-(BUZZING)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

What you looking so sad for?

Come on, misery!

-(LAUGHS) No! No.

-Ohh. Ohh.

Don't fight me! Oh, don't fight me!

That's the worst thing you can do

in this situation!

Oh, oh, no!

You're just gonna have to be happy.

-I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.

-Stop. Stop. Stop.

-Oh, you're soyou're so beautiful.

-(LAUGHS)

You're soyou're so great.

And I'm soI'm so in love with you.

-You're so beautiful

-Be the bear!

-(LAUGHS)

-(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

-You feel that? You feel that?

-Oh, yeah.

-Mmm?

-(SIGHS)

I just want you

to stay like that forever.

-(GROWLS)

-(LAUGHS)

-(ROARS)

-(BEAR ROAR ECHOES)

(PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, my God!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Oh, hey.

-Hi. Package for Cob.

-Yep.

-Hi. Um, signature, please.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)

MAN OVER P.A.: Hello there,

we regret to inform you that

there's been an incident up ahead

so we'll be stop/start all the way

into Liverpool Street.

Sorry for the delay in your journey.

(MAN GRUNTS AND HUFFS)

(RAPID RUSTLING)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(RAPID DISTORTED CHUGGING)

(MOUTHS) Are you alright?

-Thanks, I'm fine.

-(CHUGGING STOPS)

(SIGHING AND MOANING)

It was so wild.

It was this American soldier,

training in Portsmouth.

He was so f*cking hot.

-Oh, my God, was he in uniform?

-Yeah.

-I love a uniform.

-Me too. I wonder why?

Hot, dapper. Yes, sir. No, sir.

I think it makes it easier to work

out which one is the most important.

-(SIGHING AND MOANING)

-Go f*ck yourself, Desantos.

Like, you started watching

soccer yesterday.

Put the bottle away,

you little b*tch. What you doing?

-(SOLDIER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

-MAN: Keep walking!

Hey, baby. I'll walk in

your f*cking a*s. Come on.

Hey! Language.

There are ladies present.

(PASSIONATE SIGHING AND MOANING)

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm just trying

to get these reprobates home.

(RAPID DISTORTED MOANING)

SONG: Come on, let's do this

Memories won't save me now

When the music takes your soul

It's a shame and a crime

If you're afraid

to let yourself go ♪

-You're so fit!

-Gotta be.

-Shake it off ♪

-I love your teeth.

They're super cute.

Only you feel my soul

Come on, baby, let me see you ♪

I've always been troubled

by your attraction to black guys.

-I'm not. What? That's r*cist.

-It's objectifying.

Of course it's f*cking objectifying!

I'm masturbating!

You should be training yourself

back to Cob.

Oh, God, get out of my wank!

You're probably gonna lose

the Disney gig.

-Come on, yeah! ♪

-(SOBS)

(RAPID DISTORTED MOANING)

Come on

Yeah!

Let's go, baby, shake yourself

Who cares who sees it now

-I got you coming, babe ♪

-(TRAIN WHOOSHES)

No. No, no. No.

-Not you.

-(DISTORTED CHUGGING SLOWS)

CARTER: Come on.

(CHUGGING STOPS)

(METAL SHRIEKS)

Hi, er, just, if you wanted

to report a crime,

or just something that had happened

on a train, where would I

Would I talk to you orlike,

if a wallet was stolen or something?

-Have you been a victim of a crime?

-No, I just mean theoretically.

It depends if anyone's around

or if they wanna call

the Metropolitan Police.

-You can wait in the staff room.

-Yeah. How long?

-I've got this meeting, so

-I honestly couldn't say.

I could just go to the website,

right? I'll go to the website.

Or text 61016 - the British Transport

Police. There you go.

Thanks. Cheers.

-(ENGINE STARTS)

-(GASPING AND MOANING)

SUZIE: Come in me! Get me pregnant!

f*ck your baby into me!

Oh, God! (GASPS)

-(DISTORTED SPEECH) wh*re!

-You little wh*re!

(MOANING AND GASPING)

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

(JARRING MUSIC BUILDS)

-(MUSIC STOPS)

-No, no. No!

-No, no, no, no, no, no.

-What?

Dodo you want me to stop?

I love you.

I love you.

Am I not beautiful enough?

You're so beautiful.

Am I not clever enough?

You're so clever.

Am I not happy enough?

You're so happy.

(FLOWING MUSIC)

Ahh!

Oh! (GASPS) I love you.

(ECHOES) I love you.

f*ck!

You know what I call that,

when you cry after?

A French wank.

(NAIL FILE SCRAPES SOFTLY)

-(SNIFFS)

-(NAIL FILE STOPS)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(RADIO PLAYS SOFTLY)

-Hey.

-SUZIE: Hey, what happened?

It was good. Good meeting.

No, I mean the guy on the train.

Oh, God, forget it.

Just, er, on the train on the way

back, there was a guy that was

I think he was, like,

touching himself or some sh*t?

Oh, my God, I've had that.

Yeah, it was like I didn't know

and then I did know.

Yeah, it was pretty special.

Look, in real news, I just saw

Disney and they're very excited.

I've managed to emotionally blackmail

them into supporting you.

-What?

-We're in good shape, OK?

They want to behave

in the best possible moral way,

and actually, in today's money,

they look pretty villainous

if they dump you.

So you still have the role

of ageing princess.

-OK. (LAUGHS)

-I'm a legend.

-I'm in a cab, so love you.

-Love you too.

-'Bye.

-'Bye.

(NEWS PLAYS SOFTLY)

RADIO NEWSREADER: ..accuse

the government of not having

a proper plan to repair the damage

caused by flooding along the Thames

over the last

It's just right there.

It's just right there.

NEWSREADER: ..millions of pounds of

damage as banks burst over last

(DISHWASHER CLATTERS)

..unusually heavy rain.

NEWSREADER: There has been another

serious sexual as*ault in West London

when a woman running

in Ravenscourt Park

was dragged into some bushes

around 7:00 last night.

Police are appealing

for any witnesses

Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry. Would

you mind putting some music on?

-..they believe may be connected

-(BLUES MUSIC PLAYS)

SONG: I only love you

and I never will

Come on, baby, let me get my fill

I've got you on my mind

Heartbreaker, gonna take my soul

I'll move your body

to the rock'n'roll

I've got you on my mind

Come on, baby

Come on, baby! ♪