01x02 - You Me & Her

[bunniefuu]

(ominous melodic music)

(light upbeat music)

Now keep the arms high.

Turn your shoulder to the left.

- Hey, Roger.

Coffee.

- Hm, yes.

Quit your job.

(background chattering)

- Morning.

- She's very doglike

and then in the next photo,

she's less doglike, more catlike.

- Yeah, I just don't know why

she tells me sh*t like that, I don't know.

Anna, chop, chop!

She's like a snail.

- Hey, Anna.

- Hi, Roger.

Just your usual shave today?

- Yeah.

Maybe one day I'll dye it green.

- Yeah, or pink.

Or plaid.

- I would.

- Hey, Anna, maybe you could

not suck at sweeping today.

(mellow melodic music)

- It was nice to see you.

- It's good to see you too.

- I wouldn't quit if I were you.

- Sorry, what?

(eerie melodic music)

(mellow melodic music)

Who are you?

(light upbeat music)

Hey.

Wait.

Who are you?

- I don't know.

Sorry, hey, Karen.

Wait, what is it again?

- Please stop.

- Am I another version of her

or like the tiny lady Jesus,

whose meant to save the universe?

- You're both, sweetie,

great job, thank you.

Hi, I'm Karen from the DPR.

You're coming with me.

- No, what, why should I?

- I have your summons right here.

- I'm sorry, is she like

a future version of me

or something?

- I think I'm younger than you.

- Every decision you've ever made

breaks off a different version of reality,

sort of like an alternate universe,

there are many, many

yous and many, many mes,

you just happen to have

met one of yours, eh?

- What?

- You're coming with me, Boo Boo.

(mellow melodic music)

(elevator dinging)

Oh, okay, she's the clumsy one.

Here at the DPR,

we help parallel refugees

integrate into society.

- DPR?

- Department of Parallel Resettlement.

Back in the early nineties,

someone discovered a worm hole here,

so the government took over the building.

(mellow melodic music)

(background chattering)

- Like I said, it's

not gonna happen today.

- Rubbish, here, you can stick it!

- I told you.

- Wowee!

- Well, how long you're here-

- Wowee!

- I brought you all

the paperwork you asked for.

- Basically we help

resettle parallel refugees

into the same occupation

and relative lifestyle

they had in their own universe,

although usually we make sure

they don't run into our version.

- Hey, hey!

(gasping)

They're trying to stop the good one.

- I'm sorry, I don't, sorry.

- Lady, from the end comes rebirth!

- Security, get him out of here.

There has been quite a few of

yous cracking through lately.

- Really?

- Like a lot.

- Like how many of them?

- I'd say about 30 in the last six months.

- And like what would you say

is like an average for that?

- Ooh, one in a million every 28 years.

- Alright, which one is

acceptable for dinner?

- Horse.

- No.

- Parallels are dumb.

Usually they arrive because of a crack

or a glitch in the fold,

but when we get this many of one person,

honey, we keep an eye

on our version, okay.

(electricity crackling)

I'll be damned.

(coughing)

(light upbeat music)

Another one?

Not good, Anna, not good.

- Wait, no, I didn't do anything.

- Where am I?

- Wall, please, ma'am.

- What's going on?

- Right over there

to the left, just back

up just a little bit.

- No, what is going on?

- Got it.

- Look, I don't even know

where I am, where am I?

(eerie melodic music)

Who's that?

- Yeah, well, you know this makes 31.

I've got to call my boss.

- What the hell is going on?

Who are you guys?

What are you, like a

sadder me and an older me?

- Whatever.

- Hi.

- What the fu-, are we dead?

- Hey, why are we different,

if we're the same?

- You are what you choose,

Anna, you are what you choose.

- Excuse me, all I did was order a latte.

- Well, welcome to Universe 4.0.2.3.1.

Marshall, could you get out here

and get these two new parallels

processed for resettlement.

Real Anna, you come with me.

- Oh, excuse, you know, I'm

gonna need some answers here,

you guys.

(light melodic music)

- Meet Daryl Peterson.

Daryl was zapped from Universe 24.2.7

over to Universe 3.2.7.146.,

he wasn't the only one.

17 Daryl Petersons arrived

within four months,

turns out the original Daryl Peterson

had planned a trip to Guatemala.

This particular Daryl Peterson

had never even left the country,

so we at the DPR feared that

this type of pattern break

could be of great consequence,

his universe could've imploded,

so we ordered him to cancel his trip.

- So what happened?

- Against orders, Daryl

Peterson flew his happy a*s

to Guatemala anyway.

- Oh, did he have a nice time?

- Does it look like he had a nice time?

- Oh, my God!

- By taking matters into his own hands,

he imploded that universe

and everyone in it.

(melodic haunting music)

He broke pattern at a time

when he should've kept it,

this is not an isolated case here, Anna.

- Okay, you can turn it off please.

- Look, I'm not gonna

let that happen to you.

All these yous being funneled

in, we're pretty sure

that if you break pattern

in any way right now,

you could cause a kink of the continuum

and then that's it, our

universe, bye bye, be gone.

- Me, like if I?

- You, if you.

- How can you be sure?

- Honey, there are 30

yous rolling around here,

you don't see 30 mes, do you?

- I don't have a pattern.

- Yeah, you do.

I'm sorry, I didn't get

the time to have breakfast

this morning, I got

some leftover spaghetti.

Do you remember what happened

when you met your first parallel?

- I don't know, I,

I had like a deja vu.

- Sort of deja vu, we call it a resi vu,

when two parallels come into

contact for the first time,

they experience a forced

memory of a choice split,

think of it in a kind of a,

I don't know, existential residue.

- I'm sorry, I don't, I don't really know

how I'm meant to think

in those kinds of terms,

it doesn't make sense to me.

- I understand,

I understand, nevermind,

what we need to do right now

is go see what the other yous are up to

and that way we'll figure

out your pattern, alright?

Come on, let's roll.

- Wait,

are you saying that my others

all stayed in Los Angeles?

- What can I say, you like sunny weather.

(mellow melodic music)

(speaking in Spanish)

Alright, there it is.

(eerie melodic music)

(clown horn honking)

(speaking in Spanish)

We're just lonely afterlife ♪

(eerie melodic music)

- Just a trim.

- Shave it.

- Anna, can I call you Anna?

- Yeah.

- Chapter six,

oh, it's just amazing.

- Thank you.

Alright, who should I make this out to?

- Do you wanna do it?

- Do you wanna do it?

- No.

- Okay.

'Cause I'm impressed

by figments of creation ♪

- Come on,

do it!

Come on!

Come on!

(thudding blow)

It's just the two of us here ♪

- Gnarly!

- Do it!

- Hm.

Okay, so you're the cautious one,

you're the one who makes

decisions based on what's safest,

what's logical, you keep that up,

you've got a good life,

good friends, a good job,

baby, you're living the American dream.

Don't change a thing

and I promise you all this will blow over,

the flow of Annas will dry right on up

and it'll all go back to normal, okay?

- Okay.

(background mellow rock music)

- Okay,

honey, what do you want?

- Should I have a vodka diet

coke or white wine spritzer?

Dude, I need you to help me,

this is too hard for me to do on my own.

- Okay, vodka diet coke.

- Yeah, but it's Wednesday

and on Wednesdays sometimes

I have white wine spritzers.

- Unless you had a really hard day.

- Well, yeah, I mean,

I did have a hard day,

but I only had a hard day,

because I met like 30

different versions of myself,

so I'm not really sure if that warrants

me having a vodka diet coke

or if I should have a white wine spritzer.

- Okay, I think you

would've made whatever decision

you were meant to, whether

they came along or not.

Break it all down ♪

- Okay, so you're saying

I should have a vodka diet coke?

- I don't know.

(groaning)

- Okay, I'll give you a minute.

- You do realize that this

is like a real thing, right?

- Hm-mm, this is like Schrödinger's cat,

you're dead and you're

alive at the same time.

Wait, or is that string theory?

- Dude, it's a nightmare is what it is.

Honestly,

I met all these other

versions of myself today

and they're all better

than me, like I'm the dud.

- What about the sign twirler?

- Dude, she was really

happy and like really thin.

- Well, you've finally

realized your true potential.

She's gonna break it all down ♪

- Thank you.

- Oh, no,

not like that,

I mean, you've realized what you could be

and now you're burdened with the fate

of never being able to reach it.

- Erin, my fate is to keep being boring,

the fate of the universe

literally depends on it.

- Yeah, seven billion people.

You wanna get some tacos?

- No, I don't wanna get tacos.

- Alright.

- Or would I get tacos?

Would I?

I'm gonna go with my first

instinct, no, absolutely not.

She's going to show you

she's gone and ready to ride ♪

- Okay.

(traffic rumbling quietly)

Who knew?

- Why would you?

- Like a refugee hostel?

I don't do hostels.

- Oh, my God, that's them!

- Yeah, I'm just saying.

- Hey, you guys.

Hi.

- Hey.

- I'm Erin, do you guys want some tacos?

- That is so typical of you, Erin.

- What makes you so special?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Yeah?

Well, we're stuck in this

sh*thole universe because of you.

- Um, excuse me, this universe rocks.

- Please shut up.

Oh!

Did you see that?

Oh, you poor baby.

- You really shouldn't let

her talk to you like that,

you know.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, but I'm just trying

not to break pattern.

- Pattern shmattern.

- Your other selves are

kind of dicks, dude.

Okay.

(quiet background pop music)

- Oh, my God, no!

- Hm-mm, hm-mm, "Team Zombie," one level.

- Erin, honestly you

ask me this every night

and every night I say no, you know I--

- No, sometimes, sometimes you say yes.

- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.

- I hate "Team Zombie."

- Okay,

if you play with me for one hour, I will-

- Dude.

- I will let you k*ll us all.

- You mean like in the game, right?

- No, I mean like in real life.

- Dude, stop it, don't even.

- Oh, my God, we won't even feel it!

- Stop.

- It'll be like this moment

and then this moment will pass.

Besides, like there's so much

pollution nowadays anyways,

planet's looking at a

slow, painful death, so.

- You're just saying this,

so I'll play your stupid game with you.

- I mean, you've let me stay

on your couch for a month.

- If we're being real, it's been a year.

- Yeah, see, that's,

that's, that's too long.

- I mean, I guess,

I guess I do say yes sometimes.

- Yeah, you do.

- Ooh!

- Let's do this.

(melodic upbeat music)

- "Team Zombie."

- You're the worst ever.

- I'm trying, I'm trying.

as*h*le!

Argh!

(firing weapons in game)

- That's f*cked up!

- Oh!

- Oh, yeah!

Oh!

- Oh, cheerleaders!

Yes!

- Ah, you won!

Boom!

Oh!

- This is the best game ever.

- Stop it, you're an a*s.

- I'm resilient.

- Oh, oh, oh!

Maybe he was right.

- Who?

(light melodic music)

- That weird guy from the DPR.

- They're trying

to stop the good one.

- Maybe he's right, maybe

this is all meant to be,

you know, maybe,

maybe I'm the one.

(groggy muttering)

(mellow melodic music)

- Sweep the arms high.

Pinky is turned in.

(sighing)

(sighing)

(sighing)

- Okay.

Coffee.

- Hm, thanks.

Blow up the universe.

- And so he looks at it.

- And doglike.

- And said, "Nice a*s."

- Sometimes I look at him

and I think what a cute, little dog.

- Nice a*s like you

know, physical rear end.

- The most beautiful,

little dog there ever was.

- Start a whole big fight,

- And she looks at me,

- and then I had to go.

- And turned

her little dog head and I

think you're so beautiful.

I just look at her sometimes

and I think I love you.

Love your outfit, Anna.

Cute.

(sighing)

- Jesus Christ, pick up the pace.

You know, my station

won't sweep itself, Anna.

(broom clattering to floor)

(eerie melodic music)

- I can't do this anymore.

You can't treat people like that.

Look, I'm a human being and I have a voice

and I deserve to be happy,

so I quit.

(muffled voices speaking)

- What happened?

Oh!

- Jesus Christ!

- Roger.

- No!

(muffled voices speaking)

- I wanna make shell art,

I've only ever wanted to make shell art!

(muffled voices speaking)

(eerie melodic music)

(expl*sive booming)

("Don't Forget the Mangoes"

by Pineapple Punch)

When I went down to Tulsa's house ♪

To walk in the garden ♪

She told me about her plan to move out ♪

It took me by surprise that day ♪

We were talking for hours ♪

Of sailing ships and

bluebirds in the woods ♪

And she came around the next day ♪

I remember the bliss,

the moment when we kissed ♪

She looked to me excited ♪

And I knew her journey started ♪

Well, my, my, my ♪

When you go ♪

Don't forget the mangoes ♪

My, my, my ♪

When you go ♪

Well, don't forget the mangoes ♪

My, my, my ♪

When you go ♪

Don't forget the mangoes ♪

My, my, my ♪

When you go ♪

Well, don't forget the mangoes ♪

And I said one day it would be ♪

Our hearts grow closer ♪

(ominous melodic music)