03x07 - Casino

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling] ♪ I'm Craig ♪

[Inhales deeply]
♪ And I'm walking along ♪

♪ And I got some stuff
for my wife ♪

[Whistling]

Cora? Thaddeus?

CORA: I don't know what to say.

CRAIG: You could say
this isn't what it looks like.

CORA: But it is
what it looks like.

[Laughing and booing]
APOLLO: I called it!

I knew he'd catch her.

GOD: Oh, that hurts.

CRAIG: Hey, the good news is
you found a woman

who will never lie to you.

My wife,
she lies to me all the time.

APOLLO: [Laughs]
What a great idea, Athena,

betting on the mundane
everyday decisions of mortals.

They're just the right amount
of stupidly unpredictable.

APHRODITE:
Wait, wait, it's not over.

This is... I just...

[Screams]

APHRODITE: I had "storms out"!

Oh, this is fun.

BROSEIDON: Damn!
I had "kills everybody."

ATHENA: Oopsie,
that's for the house.

I had "offers himself sexually."

ATHENA: Ooh, tough break.

That's more for the house.

It really is good
to be the house.

All right, next up is...

Ted, who just found something,
like, super weird in his salad.

BROSEIDON: He's gonna eat it.
He's gonna eat that thing!

SHLUB: Ah! I've got this one.

APOLLO: Um, haven't you
already lost everything?

Not everything.

BROSEIDON: Do it!

APOLLO: No, he's gonna eat it!

BROSEIDON: Baby,
you know you want to!

APHRODITE: Eat it!
BROSEIDON: Just put it
in your num-num box.

There you go.
APHRODITE: Eat it!

BROSEIDON: Yes!

Yes, Ted, yes!

APHRODITE: I had
"eats it, likes it,
and digs around for more."

Trifecta!

SHLUB: I had
"goes to the other guy's place

"and offers himself sexually."

APOLLO: The other guy
from the other bet?

SHLUB: Apollo, shut up.

Oh, so sorry, Shlub.

Looks like I've totally
cleaned you out... again.

SHLUB: No, no, no,
let me stay in.

ATHENA: I'm happy
to let you stay in,

but what have you got to bet?

SHLUB: What do I have to bet?

One night with me.

I would have
to compromise my morals,

but that only makes it hotter.

ATHENA: Shlub, you know
you'd give me that for free.

SHLUB: Want to bet? If I lose,
you get to sleep with me again.

ATHENA: I'm not interested
in something

everyone in the world
can have for nothing.

BROSEIDON: I say
walk away now, dude.

You do not want
to do something stupid

like betting away
your uncle's trident.

He's gonna be so mad at me.

That's the one bad thing
about gambling.

It destroys families.

SHLUB: We can bet
family members' stuff?

Opa!

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Dad, what are you doing?

SHLUB: Just having some fun
doing a little rummaging,
that's all.

Hey, don't you have a bunch
of highly valuable items

you stole from Hades?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Don't you have
multiple treasure chests
of your own?

SHLUB: Not anymore, and there's
no explanation for that,

so don't even think
about digging.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Where's your crown?

SHLUB:
I lent it to a dying kid.

It was his last wish.

What's this thing?

HIPPOCAMPUS:
A truth-telling gem. Very rare.

Ah, well,
when you're not looking,

I'm going to steal it from you

to pay off
my massive gambling debt.

Damn it!

HIPPOCAMPUS:
You're gambling again!

SHLUB: Yes, to relieve
the stress of being king.

It takes such a toll on you
eating all those glitzy meats.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
You're not built for gambling.

You have no impulse control.

SHLUB: Ha, well,
if you believe that,

you've underestimated

both the force and breadth
of my impulses.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Look,
I'll prove it to you.

Here's a piece of baklava.

You can have
two pieces of baklava if you--

SHLUB: Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Well, I could have
proved you wrong,

but then I'd be playing
your game and not mine.

Dad, how much do you owe?

SHLUB: Not much. In fact,
this little gem should cover it.

Also, I didn't give my crown
to a dying kid.

I lost it at the casino.

And that kid wasn't ill.

He was just very drunk.

Ah, double damn it!

This tricked me again!

HIPPOCAMPUS: Does Mom know?

SHLUB: No, I can't let her
see me in this state.

Besides, if she can spend
all day at the spa,

why can't I spend it
at the casino?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Ugh, what a mess.

All right, we're going
to fix this right now.

Where's Ty when you need him?

Rhetorical question.

He's on a boat for some reason.

STUPENDOUS: What do you need
all this rope for anyway?

TYRANNIS: Today's the day
I finally do it.

STUPENDOUS: Yes!
You're getting into macrame.

TYRANNIS: No,
I'm finally setting sail

on my maiden voyage.

What is this,
to impress Viscera or something?

Impress--? Pfft!
Viscera? Come on.

VISCERA: Hey, Ty.
TYRANNIS: Oh, hey, Viscera.

Just loading up here
to go sailing,

which is something
I do in my blood, really.

VISCERA: Um, OK, well,
that's kind of weird.

Wait, this doesn't have
anything to do

with the sex dream
I told you about

with the sailor.
TYRANNIS: Sex dre--?

I sort of remember that, maybe.

No, I planned this trip

long before you told me
about the sexy dream sailor.

VISCERA: All right, whatever.

Well, good luck.

You know what? I'm realizing...

I hope you don't die.

TYRANNIS: Aw.
STUPENDOUS: So,
it's not about her, huh?

TYRANNIS: Yes, it's about her.
Of course it is.

There are these flowers
that only grow

on the peak of Gavdos Island,

and some say you're not a true
seaman until you've picked one.

And, I don't know,
I just have this fantasy

of pulling into port
with one of those flowers

and Viscera's
waiting for me proudly and...

You stopped listening
after seaman, didn't you?

[Chuckles] Yeah.

But, Ty,
Gavdos is a really tough sail,

and you are not a sailor.

Sailing isn't just for sailors
and criminals anymore.

Children of wealth and privilege
can do it, too.

What, you don't think
I can make it?

No, I mean,
I'm sure you could do anything,

but this houseboat, uh,
the railings are splintery,

that rudder seems too,
uh, ruddery.

And look at the weak spot
on the deck.

Man, I love how strong I am.

TYRANNIS: I know
you don't think I can do it,

but this is important to me,
Stupe.

STUPENDOUS: Then,
why don't I come along?

TYRANNIS:
I don't need a babysitter.

STUPENDOUS: Not to babysit.

It's not like I think
you'll 100% definitely drown

if I don't go with you.

I just think
you could use a first mate.

Chicks love a captain
who's got a first mate.

BROSEIDON: Ew, now he has
something weird in his chicken.

Oh, it's a worm.
I think it's a worm!

APOLLO: Oh,
he's gonna eat that, too.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
You're betting on people?

Of course
you're betting on people.

SHLUB: I've got a system,

and if you would lend me
your trinkets,

I'll pay you back and then some.

HIPPOCAMPUS: You're betting
on everyone to have sex,
aren't you?

SHLUB: It's where everything
is headed.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Athena,
clearly my dad has a problem.

Don't you have a thing

where if people get
in huge enough trouble,

you go, "Hey,
maybe gambling's not for you?"

ATHENA: I want them in trouble.

Do you not understand
how this works?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Yeah, sure,
but at a certain point,

shouldn't you be like,
"All right,

"this has gone too far,
let's call it even"?

ATHENA: So, you don't understand
how this works.

Just give him his crown back,
and we'll leave.

NUBS: Athena
don't give back bets.

When I ran out of money,

she started taking fingers,
then legs.

I bet all 20 legs and lost them.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Why didn't you
stop at, like, 9?

[Scoff]
It's called
having a winner's spirit.

SHLUB:
He wouldn't understand that.

How much is a finger worth?

HIPPOCAMPUS:
What exactly does he owe you?

We'll settle up
and get out of here.

ATHENA: Oh, we're settling up.
Let me see.

He lost his entire treasury,
this braid.

SHLUB: Ah!
ATHENA: And...

Oh, right, your palace.

Still want to settle up?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Oh, you don't know
who you're toying with.

I'll play your silly games,
Athena,

and I'll win it all back,
fair and square.

ATHENA: How fun.

SHLUB: That's the spirit, son.
I'll chip in.

HIPPOCAMPUS: No, Dad, stop!

I'll be the one gambling,
on one condition.

I choose who we bet on next.

Click over to the docks.

ATHENA: I'm not usually
in the business

of letting the players
set the terms here,

but I'll make an exception
if it means

I can bankrupt
Deliria's whole family.

SHLUB: That poor sap
looks like my son.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Dad, it is your son,

and I think
I know him well enough

to get our money back.
ATHENA: Let's find out.

BROSEIDON: Damn,
every time I think I'm out,

they reel me back in.

I'm betting my uncle Poseidon's
favorite dolphin!

Do not ask me
why it's his favorite.

What do you think
about these conditions?

You don't think today
might be a bad day to set off?

-Huh? In what way?
-Weather's not the best.

Water looks
especially wet today,

and we're basically
surrounded by sharks.

They say the big ones
are the most aggressive.

BROSEIDON: Oh, that dude
isn't leaving the dock. No way.

APOLLO: Well, of course
he's not leaving the dock,

but what's his final excuse
gonna be?

APHRODITE:
My money's on "bad knee."

Guys are always
talking about bad knees.

SHLUB: Hippo, I've got
a strong feeling about this.

Whatever the excuse is,
it will be genital-related.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Dad!
I know Ty better than you.

Let me concentrate.

Even though
he's really good at it,

Ty hates failing,

but Stupe is there,
and that works for us

because Ty
will want to appear strong,

and sure, he'll probably die
out in the water

after saying something dumb

like, "Upward, onward,
and all aboard,"

but Ty needs to win, so...

Ty's leaving that dock.

Upward, onward, downward,
sideward, and away we go.

Doo-doo-doo.

Hmm, I was close.

TYRANNIS: Give us a push, Stupe.
STUPENDOUS: Aye-aye, Captain.

SHLUB: All right.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Gonna be a long night.

We hit big
when Ty didn't throw up,

took a small loss
on not stubbing his toe,

but made it back

on him not hitting a big wave
while picking his nose,

which shoves his finger
into his brain.

APOLLO: Would have paid huge!

SHLUB: Let's put it all
on agonizing shin splint

he relieves the pain of
with self-pleasure.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Dad, no.

We make small, realistic bets,

play the probabilities,
and manage the risk.

That's how we chip away
at this debt.

Like, for example,
he's got to tie off that rudder,

but that rope
looks pretty gnarly,

so I'm gonna play the odds
on rope burn.

Ow! You first got to invent
something to protect hands.

This can't go on.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Bingo!
And hand pants is brilliant.

Note to self, invent hand pants.

ATHENA: You're pretty good
at this, huh?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Just simple odds.
And betting without emotion.

Sure. It's easy
when the stakes are so low.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Oh, there it is.
Yeah, trying to suck me

into a bigger bet is
not gonna work. Sorry.

I was trying to suck you
into more fun, but whatever.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
I'm also not worried
about being perceived

as a stick in the mud.

Oh, so you're just chicken.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Nobody calls me a chicken!

SHLUB: Ah, his old weakness,
which he's always had.

HIPPOCAMPUS: All in on Ty
making it to that island.

SHLUB: Hippo,
you said realistic bets.

Well, how about something
like "Ty eats falafel"?

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Ty's committed to this,

and when something
is important to Ty,

he'll move mountains to get it.
I hope.

SHLUB: Then I'll put something
on "Ty moves a mountain."

HIPPOCAMPUS: Dad...
SHLUB: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses.

Sexually.

Ah, it's nice
to see fellow sailors.

Makes you feel less alone
out on the open seas.

STUPENDOUS: You have supplies
in this houseboat, correct?

TYRANNIS: Correct.

STUPENDOUS:
Would any of those supplies

happen to be a trained navy?

Aside from me.

TYRANNIS:
I've got a bottle opener
that's shaped like a lobster.

STUPENDOUS:
Okay, well, I'm gonna stretch,

because that ship
full of pirates

is definitely
gonna try to k*ll us.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Pirates?
TYRANNIS: Pirates?

There's no pirates
in that part of the sea.

ATHENA: I know, right?

Crazy.

Hope your guy
can get through this one.

HIPPOCAMPUS: They won't k*ll him
with Stupe there.

Falling overboard
while trying to stab a guy

with his lobster bottle opener
is tempting.

ATHENA: Everyone!
Place your bets.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Okay, OK!

I'm going for "gets kidnapped,
makes friends with a parrot,

"everyone gets so annoyed
hearing them talk to each other,

"they give him back."

TYRANNIS: Excuse you?

Ahoy!

STUPENDOUS: [Grunts]

CAPTAIN: Ahoy!
Dreaded Captain Blobbo here

to do the typical pirate stuff.

Take your things,
sink your boat.

This is rum, you get it.

TYRANNIS: Mr. Blobbo,
captain to captain,

this is my first time
out in this boat,

so could you possibly
come back another time?

This journey
is really important to me.

PIRATE: Give me!
[Laughs]

STUPENDOUS: [Grunts]

TYRANNIS: My lobster!

STUPENDOUS: [Grunts]

TYRANNIS: Thanks.
PIRATE 2: [Screams]

STUPENDOUS: [Grunts]
PIRATE: I deserve that!

STUPENDOUS:
Go and sail us out of here

while I kick
some bony pirate a*s.

BONY PIRATE:
Aw, man, she noticed.

STUPENDOUS: [Grunts]
BONY PIRATE: [Screams]

STUPENDOUS: [Growls]

Ah!

[Panting]

CAPTAIN:
I bet those muscles sink!

Toss her overboard!

[Panting]

Hey, you guys like booty?

That's kind
of your whole thing, right?

Booty?
CAPTAIN: We love booty!

[Talking at once]

[All scream]

Whoa.

TYRANNIS: [Laughs]

ATHENA:
Looks like you don't know him

as well as you thought.

SHLUB: You win some,
you lose some.

That's what makes gambling fun.

HIPPOCAMPUS: You think
the losing part is fun?

SHLUB: Oh,
like you've never got off
from being punished.

BROSEIDON: Yeah, the psychology
of this addiction is nuts!

Maybe if I lose enough
of my uncle's stuff,

he'll, like, you know,
pay attention to me.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
Wait, isn't it weird

that as soon
as we locked in our bet

for Ty to make it to the island,
pirates showed up?

SHLUB: Must be pirate season.

HIPPOCAMPUS: That's not a thing!
I think she's cheating.

NUBS: Yeah,
of course she's cheating.

But I wouldn't say anything
if I were you.

I once accused her of cheating,
and this happened.

HIPPOCAMPUS: What happened?

Used to have a second head.

The guy was a real jerk,

but I loved him like a brother
who is also myself.

SHLUB: Leave it to Athena
to ruin the opportunity

for a wholesome threesome.

HIPPOCAMPUS: I don't like this.
Ty got lucky with those pirates,

but she'll k*ll him
for that money.

That sounds bad
when you describe it that way.

I'm describing it
the way it is.

Ah, yes,
that's why it sounds so bad.

But how do we beat a goddess?

HIPPOCAMPUS:
We know a goddess, too.

SHLUB: No,
we are not telling your mother.

OLD MAN: Why?
Because she'd fly into a rage?

SHLUB: Yes. Thank you, stranger.

Deliria?
HIPPOCAMPUS: Mom!

SHLUB: But I thought
you were at the spa.

This place has a spa.

Never been, but it's got one.

Athena's always up
to some little scheme,

and I intend
to bankrupt this one.

Also, I'm a sl*t for roulette.

SHLUB: You're not mad
I've been hiding

a debilitating gambling problem?

Oh, Shlub, please.
It's adorable!

Like when a baby tries a lemon
for the first time

but keeps taking bites.

Why didn't you
help us out sooner?

Because I was busy
playing roulette in disguise,

quietly snapping up
all of Athena's bracelets.

But now it's time for Momma
to take out her teat.

SHLUB: I am so aroused,
I can hardly...

[Farts]

Ah! There it is after all.

ATHENA: Goddess Queen Deliria.
[Scoffs]

I know
you've been coming in secret
for the past few months.

I could smell
your cheap perfume.

DELIRIA: Just had to see
my dear friend's new gig.

Bit of a downgrade
from being the god of w*r.

Anything can be a w*r, b*tch.

Then grab a white flag,

because my children
will make it to that island.

HIPPOCAMPUS: No, Mom.
You got to fight Athena.

Do magic.
Emulate the concept of caring.
Anything!

DELIRIA: But then
I wouldn't be beating her

at her own game.

Deal me in.

TYRANNIS: So,
what do we all promise?

PIRATES: No more pirating.

CAPTAIN: Can we do
a little bit of pirating?

TYRANNIS: No.
CAPTAIN: What about
during pirate season?

TYRANNIS: That's not a thing.
PIRATES: [Talking at once]

TYRANNIS: And make sure
you thank this nice boat

of vacationing bankers

who have agreed to take you
to the nearest port.

STUPENDOUS: I got to admit,
you're pretty good

on the high seas.

TYRANNIS:
All it takes is motivation.

[Thunder rumbles]
STUPENDOUS: [Gasps]

Ty!
TYRANNIS: Oh, no.

I'm not saying
anyone who doesn't make it

on the high seas
isn't motivated enough.

I'm just...
STUPENDOUS: No! Ty! Look!

[Screaming]

ATHENA: A storm?

Oh, bummer.

I kind of liked Ty.

He had good taste in music.

DELIRIA: Not a bummer at all.

Finally some excitement.

And he has
terrible taste in music.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Do you two
not care that your children

are about to die?

DELIRIA: Do you not care
that your mother

was about to die of boredom?

[Screaming]

HIPPOCAMPUS: This is real, Mom.

If Athena keeps winning,
she's going to get the city.

And then it's bye-bye,
Goddess Queen.

[Screaming]

TYRANNIS: Stupe,
my silly little fantasy

is going to get us both drowned.

STUPENDOUS:
It could be worse. See?

KRAKEN: [Roars]

This boat is too strong for me.

I'll place it over here
near this island.

[Chuckles]

STUPENDOUS: [Grunts]

We made it?

DELIRIA: What a turn of luck.
ATHENA: Interesting.

The Kraken doesn't live
in that part of the sea.

DELIRIA: Almost as interesting

as a sudden storm
in the middle of summer.

And if you ever mess
with my family again,

you'll be found
in a very interesting way.

Goodbye.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Finally.

ATHENA: One final bet.

Your son
is heading up that mountain

to pick some dumb flower.

If he succeeds,
I'll give you Athens.

And if he fails,
I'm Goddess Queen of Krapopolis.

DELIRIA: Double your cities.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Nope. Nice try.
But we're done here.

DELIRIA: You know what's better
than a vacation home?

SHLUB: A vacation city.

HIPPOCAMPUS: What? No!
Are you serious?

SHLUB: We're in.
DELIRIA: We're in.

HIPPOCAMPUS:
You're really bad parents.

STUPENDOUS: Ty, you told me
how important this is to you.

And I'd be a bad sister

if I let you stop now.

TYRANNIS:
But what if I can't do it?

STUPENDOUS: When you said
you were gonna sail today,

I thought I was going
to have to plan your funeral.

But you proved me wrong.

And as mad
as being wrong makes me,

it would make me even madder
if you quit.

And I hate getting madder.

It makes me so much more mad!

TYRANNIS: I don't know
if you were pumping me up

or threatening me,
but it worked.

Thanks, Stupe.
I'm getting that flower.

And shortly after,
Viscera's respect.

STUPENDOUS: Great!
I'll just toss you up there.

TYRANNIS: Thanks.
What are you gonna do?

STUPENDOUS: I don't know.
I guess I could use
a little break.

Maybe chum the water.
Fight a shark.

TYRANNIS: Fun.
Now, when you said

"toss me up there,"
did you mean...

[Screams]

Ah!

[Bird squeaks]

[Screams]

Oh! Damn it!

HIPPOCAMPUS:
What are we doing here, Mom?

[Grunts]

Bees!
[Screams]

ATHENA: Cute.
DELIRIA: I thought so.

A hive of butterflies.

[growling]
[Screams]

[Grunts]

[Exhales]

[Screams]

OK...

[Grunts]

DELIRIA: He's almost there.

I can't wait to use your city
as a junk drawer.

Ah!

HIPPOCAMPUS: Come on, Ty.
NUBS: What's he going to do?

[Talking at once]

[Gibberish]

ATHENA: Huh?

I know you gods
are up to something,

and I refuse to be part of it.

The pirates, the kraken,
that very helpful snake,

the fart that turned out to be
a little more than just a fart.

I did this for my own reasons

and, as such, I can also
not do it for my own reasons.

Good-bye.

APOLLO: Oh, what the hell?

He didn't do it. I win.

DELIRIA: Oh, come on.
He chose not to do it.

We win.
HIPPOCAMPUS: You all lose!

Because we treated our own son
as a puppet to make petty bets?

HIPPOCAMPUS: No!
Well, yes. That, too.

But mostly because earlier
I placed this bet.

I bet that Ty would figure out

that you all
were messing with him

and do something pointless
and crazy.

NUBS: Whoa.
The odds on that one.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Yep.
I know, my brother.

That's why I picked him
in the first place.

Athena, time to cash out.

ATHENA: I'm only honoring this
because I want Shlub

to come back
and destroy your lives again.

SHLUB: Fat chance, cheater.

ATHENA:
Did I mention high rollers

get two free tickets
to the buffet?

There's lobster tail.

SHLUB: Well, I'm in.

After all, we're rich now.

Did you just say we?

[Chuckles]

[Laughs maniacally]

STUPENDOUS: Congrats, Ty.
You're a real sailor.

TYRANNIS: No, I'm not.

All I did
was get batted around by gods,

and I didn't even
get the flower.

STUPENDOUS:
Batted around by gods

is what sailing's all about.

And as for the flower...

TYRANNIS: You picked me one?
STUPENDOUS: Yeah.

While you were making your way
down the mountain,

I went up
and grabbed it for you.

Lot easier to climb that thing

when stuff
isn't turning into each other

all
willy-nilly-nilly-willy-dilly.

And if you're me, obviously.
TYRANNIS: Thanks, Stupe.

VISCERA: Ty.
TYRANNIS: Viscera.

Is this you?

VISCERA: What?

TYRANNIS: Just
a standard thing sailors say.

STUPENDOUS: Is this you?

TYRANNIS: Sailor stuff.

VISCERA: So, how did it go?
TYRANNIS: Ah, it was nothing.

Pirates, storm,
kraken, the uzhe.

And I did it all for this.

Is that a Gavdos flower?

TYRANNIS: Yes.
And I want you to have it.

VISCERA: No. Seriously?

Aw, thanks, friend.

Enjoy the kebab.

Friend.
STUPENDOUS: Could be worse.

I have sex
with a lot of my friends.

And a lot of my enemies.

[Laughs]
I'm doing all right.

SHLUB: Come here often?

OLD MAN: Oh, definitely.

Though I don't want
everyone to know.

I like to keep a low profile.
[Chuckles]

SHLUB: Oh, yes.
I can do that.

OLD MAN: Hmm. I'm going
to grab us some drinks.

Care to watch my stack?

I would be honored.

OLD MAN: Ooh, you dirty devil.

Mm-mm-mm.

You're a lucky man, Shlub.

WAITRESS: Can I get you a drink?

SHLUB: No, thank you.
My wife is grabbing some.

DELIRIA: I beg your pardon?

HERMES: You don't think
we're getting too complicated

with these little sex games,
do you?

BROSEIDON:
Hey, less talking, more...

MAN: Did you get any of that?

MAN 2: Bento.