02x01 - The Goofballs

[bunniefuu]

Mom, can I borrow
your credit card?

Oh, here we go.

How many of these, uh Fortnite
foreskins you need, dude?

No, I wanna buy
hockey equipment.

Wait, like... Actual hockey?

You want to play the
actual sport, hockey?

Yeah. My buddy Jake
plays on a U-15 team.

I was thinking about trying out.

Hoho! Yo, here. Go nuts, dude.

Really? Thanks, Mark.

Yooo! He's playing a sports, yo!

A team sport.

-This is amazing.
-Oh, my God.

I've always wanted
to be a sports dad.

This is, uh... This
is incredible, Tam.

Yo, what the hell?

Kid, just spent $1,500!

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots
came along, ♪

♪ and now there is
no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three
thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Alright, Dar, so the key here is

you pull the jersey up over the
head so they look like an idiot,

and then you...
pop... pop... pop...

you hit them with the
uppercuts. You got it?

Uh... shouldn't I learn
how to skate first?

No no, one step at a time, okay?

Gotta start with
the fundamentals.

Okay, so you grab 'em with
the collar with your non-

dominate hand, Right, yep. Okay.

You're going to reach over,
okay, grip the shirt from

behind the shoulder pad,
and just g*ng the jersey up.

Yeah... Okay nice, dude,
Now shove his head down.

There we go. No no no.
Back up, back-y-ah...

Pull your arm out. No,
no, no, not you, Hank.

Stay-alright. C-Come
here. How do you even...

Ohp, I think... uh, hey Dar... Oh..
-Uh, aw man... Ugh. Agh. Oh.

Alright, relax.
-Uh, Mark...?

Oh, hey hon.

I'm just nervous about Darren.
What if he's not very good?

They're kids. None
of 'em are good.

I know.

It's just I get real protective
and my momma bear comes out.

When he played pee wee soccer,

I got banned from the sidelines
and the team Facebook group.

Alright, relax Tam.

You can't protect him forever.
Besides, with Coach Hoagies

in his corner, there's
nothing to worry about.

Ooh!

Yo, alright, Dar.
Shake it off, bud.

Shake it off.

He's getting
destroyed out there.

Nah, nobody's great
on day one, Tam, okay?

He's just raw and that's
totally fine, okay.

They're looking for potential.

Yo there we go, Dar!
Attack the net, bud!

Hey, get that kid off the
ice before he hurts someone!

You're doing great, Darren!

You talk about my
kid like that again.

I'm gonna rip your ear off like
I'm taking a number at the deli.

Yo relax, will ya?
You're gonna get

thrown outta here.
-Oh, sorry.

I'm like a werewolf
or something.

I can't control it.

Aw, c'mon Ref!
That's a dirty hit!

Oh, it's over. It's rigged.

There's no way he's
making this team.

He's gonna to be devastated.

Nah nah nah, we're good, ok.

These days every kid gets
a participation trophy.

I bet they don't even have cuts.

Aw man, sorry, bro.

There's my little Lindros!

D-Money dude, killin'
it out there, bud!

I got cut.

The hell?! After one day?

Whatever. I suck.

Well, it was fun
while it lasted.

Alright, woah woah woah,
hang on, Tam, okay.

Let me go talk to the coach,
I'm gonna to handle it.

You see that drop
in stride speed?

Have you been doing
your VO2 Max training?

Well, no. I have
homework and stuff.

Hey, you got the rest of your
life to learn how to read.

Priorities, bud.

Alright, dinner time.

There's a Pro-Form
amino-fuel shake

and 15 almonds in
the mini fridge.

You help yourself.

How you doing, Coach?

Tight ship you're running,
bud. 'Preciate it.

How could I help you?

Listen, so I feel like
you might accidentally cut

my step-son, Darren.

Oh, you mean the kid
who couldn't skate?

C'mon, I'm telling you, dude,

the kid's raw, but he's
got a high ceiling.

With a little training, I think
he could be the next Gretzky.

You see this?

This is how we evaluate
players. Advanced analytics.

Oh, here we go.

This chart combines
Corsi and Fenwick metrics

to give a comprehensive
impact score.

This is the team.
And this is your son.

Yeah, that's some B.S.
right there, okay.

Where does your fancy
spreadsheet show potential?

Okay, I don't see dog
mentality on there.

You know why? Cause you
can't measure heart.

Actually, we can. This
is his D.O.G. score,

which measures
perseverance and fortitude.

And as you can see, Darren here
has remarkably little heart.

Alright c'mon, dude,

I thought youth sports was
all about chasing dreams,

not crushing 'em.

Well, maybe your son should
re-assess his ambitions.

Naw, I'm talking about me,
okay. These are my dreams, okay.

I wanna be a sports dad.
This could be my only shot.

Can't you just like, stash
him on a bench or something?

Okay, this isn't a
charity organization.

We're competing for
District Championships.

And the last thing I
need is some goofball kid

and his goofball
dad slowing us down.

Alright. Let me tell
you, you're gonna regret

this decision, pal.

One day, that
goofball kid is gonna

be skating circles around
your players, alright?

And the day that happens, I'd
be happy to re-evaluate him.

Pfft, ridiculous.
Frickin' idiot.

Stupid hockey club,
stupid Gladiators.

Gladiators wasn't even a
good movie. It was overrated.

-How you doin' there, bud?
-Fine.

Feeling a little sad, yeah?

Sulkin' a little
bit? Cuz, y'know,

-you didn't make the team.
-Uh... yeah.

Well, I talked to the
coach and guess what...

No way. I-is he gonna
let me on the team?

Oh uh, no no no, definitely not.

Kept saying how you had
like the worst stats

he's ever seen him
and really mean stuff.

Honestly, you would've
cried if you heard him.

Why are you telling me this?

To motivate you, Dar! To
light that fire in you!

I don't understand.
I just feel worse.

Nah, dude! That coach
is a numbers geek.

He doesn't know what
hockey's really about.

We're gonna show him
he's made a huge mistake.

Okay, how are we gonna do that?

By beating him.

Welcome to The Goofballs, dude.

Okay, Hank. I've been
doing a ton of research,

and I think I found
a perfect plan to

make that jerk coach
look like an idiot.

Wait, I thought we were doing
this for Darren's confidence?

Yeah, I mean that too, yeah.

So all these movies get at
the same fundamental truth:

What really matters
in hockey is heart.

The Gladiators, they might have

their fancy "metrics"
and their "skills",

but you can't motivate
kids with spreadsheets.

Our team, we're gonna
to want it more.

Our team is gonna to
have that dog in them.

So we're looking for kids
with dogs... In them?

We're looking for
untapped potential:

the underdogs who don't
believe in themselves yet.

I'm talking about the
fat kid who can't move,

but fills up an entire net
or the uh, figure skater girl

who can double axle
over a defender.

Ooh, or like a uh, big
Connor McDavid - type

who's really good
at scoring goals.

Nah nah Hank, the
Connor McDavids are-

they're on the Gladiators, okay.

We're shopping in
a bargain bin here.

We're playing Moneyball.

Isn't that like, all
about analytics and stuff?

No no okay, not that part, okay.

We're playing Moneyball,
but without the analytics.

Oh. Okay.

Alright Hank, you ready to
hunt down some 14-year-olds!

[dramatic montage music]

Alright listen up, okay,

each one of you is
here for a reason.

Because each one
of you represents a

classic archetype
of an underdog kid

that I've seen work
in movies, okay?

Which one am I?
-Uh...

You're the uh... you're the
goalie. Let's leave it at that.

Now, you may all look
like a bunch of weirdos,

but together we share
a common purpose:

to beat the stinking Gladiators.

Who are the Gladiators?

They're the bad guys, like uh,
Ivan Drago or sh**ter McGavin.

Like uh... I dunno what do
you guys watch? Uh, Trolls?

They're like the
uh, the Bergens.

Ohh.

Alright, let's play some
hockey. Darren, let's go.

Oh hey, what's up Dar!

Oh hey, J.D.

Argh! The hooves don't
fit in the skates.

Arrrgh!!! Damn, Ooh!

Ah, sorry...

Mark, they're awful.

The Gladiators are gonna mop
the floor with these kids.

Tammy, trust the process, ok.

They just need a little
confidence-building game.

Who the hell are
these kids gonna beat?

A bunch a blind kids?

Hm...

Oh Mark. No you didn't.

Let's go, Bats!
You don't need eyes

to beat these guys!

Let's go, Goofballs!

Hit him so hard they hear stars!

Alright Goofballs,
let's go, you got this!

I wanna see that
hustle, alright!

Play smart, communicate...

Maybe use hand signals.

Why's the uh, puck
so big and jingly?

I guess so they can
hear it or something?

I dunno. It's complete B.S.

Alright, that's
okay, that's okay!

Alright, c'mon, guys!

C'mon. Let me see
that dog in you!

C'mon, J.D. Bring
out that devil!

Dah! Alright, alright, you
got this Golf Kid, okay.

Hit him with the slap
shot... Ugh, God, ugh.

That's alright! Yo
c'mon guys! Get at it!

Challenge him! Challenge him!

Yo, let's go Chet!
C'mon, all you got to do

is put your body in
front of the net.

Okay, just fall on the ground.

Oh my God.

Boo! Come on, Ref! What
do you, bli... Ah...

Blatantly incompetent? The
frickin' dog scored that!

Ay, there's no rule that says
a dog can't play blind hockey.

Dammit, ah. I'm
getting out-troped.

That was actually pretty fun.

I'm happy for them.
They overcame a lot.

Yeah, that was some BS, okay.

Some of those kids had
at least 10% vision.

Hey, nice'a ya to make a
little rec team for your kid.

Oh yeah? The hell's
that supposed to mean?

Uh... I just meant
it's good to build

his skills on a
non-competitive team.

Oh, we're actually
highly competitive.

Okay. Well I just watch ya lose


full of blind kids.

Oh please, okay? We
weren't even trying.

Here's an idea: How about
the uh, Gladiators and

the Goofballs have
a little scrimmage,

then you can find out just
how competitive we are?

Okay bud. Don't you think you've

demoralized these kids enough?

Uh, actually, those
kids are having

a lot of fun. Unlike
your kids, who're eating

frickin' creatine
bricks for dinner.

You know, now that
I think about it,

maybe we could use a scrimmage.

We just got some new equipment
that needs uh... breaking in.

Oh, is that so?

Well we're gonna
break you in, pal.

Give me 2 weeks, then we'll find

out who's the best
team in Glantontown.

Game on.

Yeah, game on, dude.

God, Hank. What was I thinking?

I got caught up in the
moment, now we're gonna

get our frickin' asses
handed to us. Ugh.

We're gonna need like, a
ringer or something. Just don't

know how to pull a frickin'
Ovechkin outta thin air.

Actually, uh, might be able
to get you some Ovechkins.

So it's sort of a pipeline
of uh, Russian boys

-who need to be... Relocated.
-They refugees or something?

Let's just say they were in
a militia group that, uh,

fell out of favor, and uh,
they need to lay low for a bit.

Think of it as the Witness
Protection Program,

but instead of
witnessing a crime,

they may have
committed a few of 'em.

They can, uh play hockey?

Of course they can.
They're Russian.

Yo uh, Dimitri, these
kids play hockey?

[Russian] Da. Show
them your hockey skill.

Damn yo, that kid's
like the Randy Johnson

of hockey right there.

Alright, I'll take 'em.

Don't we have enough players?

These kids, you're
pretty sketch.

Aw c'mon, Dar, They're
misfits just like you guys.

I'm sure they'll fold
right into the group.

Uh... they seem like
a bunch of derelicts.

How about uh, they can
help us win? No better

confidence booster
than that, okay?

I guess we can be hockey
parents to a few more kids...

Exactly, okay, it's
like The Blindside,

except with hockey...
And rated R.

Pfft. Nice Garbasaur!

Have fun only being able
to splash and teleport.

Except for my... Energy cloak.

Ohhh! C'mon!

How many energy cloaks
are in the deck!?

Okay good news, got
some new members.

Oh no. Uh, you got asthma?

Is Russian hockey medicine...
For goals and triumph.

Yo comrade, can I get
a little bit of that?

You feel strong, eh?

The fires of hell
burn inside me!

Alright, G-ba*ls. Let's hit
the ice. Scrimmage time.

Shake it off, Juggalo Kid!
No shame in losing a tooth.

Ahh, I will consume your flesh!

Whoa. Those container
kids are pretty good.

Hell, yeah. Forget dogs, they
got frickin' bears in them.

Great practice today, guys.

Let's give ourselves
a round of applause

Great job everybody.

So now comes the part of the
job that every coach hates

We're gonna be making
some cuts, okay?

I thought the whole point of the

Goofballs was that
we don't have cuts.

Alright, I hear you
Dar but things change

and right now we're
in a little bit of a

"must win" situation, so.
Okay, if you hear your name

you made a roster:
Darren Hoagies.

Congratulations, bud.

Uh, Igor Zhdanov.

Vladislov Krusche-

Khrushchev?

Ziv-Z-Ziv-

Alright basically, if your
name has at least four

consonants in a row
you're on a team, alright.

Also Fat Goa... Also Chet.

Alright everyone
else, just remember,

this is not the end of the road,

It's just a, uh...

U-turn back to whatever
you were doing before.

Aw, I was just
starting to like this.

What the hell, Mark?
Those are my friends!

We were-we were having fun.

Trust me, Dar. You're
gonna have a lot more fun

kicking a*s with your
new Russian friends.

I don't think I am, Mark.

They're scary and there's
a massive language barrier.

Alright, c'mon, Dar, listen.

It is very important that
we show that stupid coach

that he made a huge mistake
by not picking you, okay bud?

Who cares? Maybe he's right.

-I'm not very good.
-Wrong answer.

You are very good. You got
a ton of potential, dude.

That's why I kept you on a team.

Yeah, right.

You just picked me
because you had to.

Nah, I picked you because I
know that deep down inside,

buried under many
layers of wimp,

is a ferocious dog.

And once that dog
tastes victory,

you better look out.

Okay, everybody's
gonna to see what

Darren Hoagies is
really made of.

Okay.

Alright, let me hear that
dog in you. Give you a woof!

-No.
-I can't hear you! Darren...

C'mon, please woof, Darren.

Alright, that's fine. That's
fine. We'll get there.

Yo, uh, Red Army,
let's rock and roll.

Hey! Hey! C'mon
Zhiv! Knock it off.

Okay, save the criminal
activity for the game.

Yo, there we go! Nice job, Ig!

Atta boy, Vlad. Way to
put 'em in a gulag, baby!

Alright Dar, you're in!

Finally. With two minutes left.

Dude. It's garbage time.
It's like the fillet mignon

of playing time.

You pad your stats, you
build your confidence, c'mon.

Let's go, Darren!
Bury these losers!

Oh my god! Oh my
god! That's my son!

My son just scored
his first goal!

No goal! no goal!
Cross-checking.

Are you kidding me, ref?!
Are you freakin' kidding me?

Ah! Yo, what the hell?

Oh hoho! Cross-check that!

Okay that's it,
lady! You're out!

Ah, get off me!

See, this is what happens
when you speak truth to power!

Oh man, I can't wait for that
clown coach to see the advanced

stats on the a*s-whooping
we're about to lay on them.

Pfft. I mean, we scored 48
goals in the last two games.

And Darren scored two of 'em!

Too bad you're uh,
banned from the arena.

Heh. We'll see about that.

I'm not going to let that
jerk ref screw over my kid.

You know, I gotta say,
these uh, Russians

have been a great
influence on Darren.

He's playing with a
lot more edge lately.

He's definitely a
lot more confident.

Yeah... As long as
it stays on the ice.

Hey Dar, sweetie, we're
gonna get outta here.

Alright, knuckleheads,
don't stay up too late.

Big game coming up, alright?

Oh God, my mom's
boyfriend's here.

Hey fat boy. Time to go.

You're wasted, Owen. Screw you.

I think that's enough
ice cream for you.

Unless you plan on paying for
your own diabetes medications.

Why don't you go back to
jail and leave us alone?

Ohoho, someone's
getting an a*s kicking.

You mess with Chyet.
Now we must break you.

Uh...

Morning comrades...

Whoa...

Hey uh, Tam, you
seen the Russians?

No, why? [TV] Meanwhile,
in Glantantown..

Six undocumented Russian
minors have been deported after

throwing a man into a deep fryer
at a Kindly's Family Restaurant.

-Oh my God. That's awful.
-Ugh, I know.

The frickin' Gladiators
are gonna to destroy us.

So you're just gonna to give up?

What about all that stuff
you've been telling Darren?

Where's your heart, Mark?

Tam, I'm just being
realistic here, okay?

There's no way we can win
without those Russian kids.

We gotta forfeit.

No, we're gonna play.

Darren, I don't know if you saw,

but uh, we just lost all
of our best players, so...

Yeah, but you still got me.

I hear ya bud, but y...
-I scored two goals.

Those Russian kids
showed me how to win.

It's time for me to step
up and unleash the dog.

Look at you, Dar!

Uh, Tammy, can we
not encourage this?

Yo Darren, let me uh,
I'll call Mernft and see

if he's got any more
to his Russian kids.

No. We're gonna bring
back the old squad.

And I'll lead them.

I'm gonna go call
J.D. and the guys.

Go get him, hun!

Oh boy.

Alright, Goofballs,
listen up! This is gonna

get real ugly, real fast, okay?

Hopefully, the trauma
you experience today

will serve you later
in life, in whatever

non-hockey career you pursue.

So, let's keep your heads up,

let's protect
yourselves out there,

and let's try and make it
outta here one piece, alright?

Coach Mark is right.

This team is way better than us,

so we gotta out-work
them. We gotta be tougher.

We gotta want it more.

When they hit us, we get
up and hit 'em back harder.

Aw you're gettin'
me fired up, Dar.

I'm about to bloodlust.

They may be better, but
we got that dog in us.

Let me hear those
dogs. Woof! Woof! Woof!

Woof! Woof! Woof!
Woof! Woof! Woof!

Together we fight! Together...

We die!

Yeah, you like that?

Yo, put that on your
spreadsheet, Timmo!

Way to be aggressive, Dar!

Shh, yo, Tam, c'mon.

What are you doing? You're
gonna get booted again.

Number nine. Two
minutes. Charging.

Are you frickin'
kidding me?! That's B.S.

Hey ref, get your eyes checked!

Wait. Who said that?

Was that you?

Oh my God! That was
awesome! Go Darren!

I knew it was you.

You're banned! Get the
hell out of this place!

I'll get over yourself. I'm
just cheering on my kid.

Woohoohoo! Go Goofballs!

That's it! C'mere!

Get the hell off me!

You wanna go?!

Tam, what are we doing here?

How you like that?

-Mom?
-Stop! Enough! Get off me!

Screw this. I'm
outta here, okay.

I don't get paid
enough for this crap!

Come on now...

So, I guess we gotta call it?

Yep, and it looks like uh,
we got a tie in our hands.

Great job Goofballs! We
just tied the Gladiators,

okay, we're the same!

We were up by 10 goals.
-Yeah well sorry, okay,

we don't care about advanced
stats like "the score."

I use my eyes, and what
I saw was an even game.

Hey, great effort
out there, kid.

Ya know, if you're
interested, I think

we can find a spot
for you on the bench.

No, thanks. I'd rather
be the captain of the

Goofballs than a 4th
liner on the Gladiators.

-Right, guys?
-Yeah, I don't know, Dar.

I think I'm done with hockey.

Okay, I'm in.

Hey Mom! I made the Gladiators!

Aw, way to go, honey!
That's awesome!

[Speaking Russian] Thief-in-law.

[Speaking Russian] Thief-in-law.

He is ready for stars.